THE RIVALS

By Richard Brinsley Sheridan

1
 ACT I

Scene I.—A street. Enter THOMAS; he crosses the stage; STICK follows,
looking after him.

STICK
What! Thomas! sure 'tis he? — What! Thomas! Thomas!

THOMAS
Hey! — Odd's life! Stick! —give us your hand, my old fellow servant.

STICK

I'm devilish glad to see you, my lad, but who the deuce thought of seeing
you in Bath?

THOMAS

Sure, master, Madam Julia, Harry, Mrs. Kate, and the postillion, be all
come.

STICK
Indeed!

THOMAS

Ay, master thought another fit of the gout was coming to make him a visit;
— We were off at an hour's warning.

STICK
Ay, ay, hasty in everything, or it would not be Sir Anthony Absolute!

THOMAS

But tell us, Stick, how does young master?

STICK
I do not serve Captain Absolute now.

THOMAS

2
Why sure!

STICK
At present I am employed by Ensign Beverley.

THOMAS
No! Why didn't you say you had left young master?

STICK

Well, honest Thomas, I must puzzle you no farther: — briefly then—

Captain Absolute and Ensign Beverley are one and the same person.

THOMAS
The devil they are!

STICK

So it is indeed, Thomas.

THOMAS

What, this is some freak, I warrant!—Do tell us, Stick, the meaning of it?

STICK
You'll be secret, Thomas?

THOMAS
As a coach-horse.

STICK

Why then the cause of all this is—Love!

THOMAS

Ay, ay; —I guessed there was a lady in the case: —but pray, why does your
master pass only for ensign and not general?

STICK

Hark'ee, Thomas, my master is in love with a lady of a very singular taste: a

lady who likes him better as a half pay ensign than if she knew he was son
and heir to Sir Anthony Absolute, a baronet of three thousand a year.

3
THOMAS

That is an odd taste indeed! — But has she got the stuff, Stick? Is she rich,
hey?

STICK

Rich! —Why, I believe she could pay the national debt as easily as I could
my washerwoman! She has a lapdog that eats out of gold, —she feeds her
parrot with small pearls, — and all her papers are made of bank-notes!

THOMAS

Bravo, faith! —but does she draw kindly with the captain?

STICK
As fond as pigeons.

THOMAS
May one hear her name?

STICK

Miss Lydia Languish. —But there is a tough aunt in the way; though, by-
the-by, she has never seen my master—for we got acquainted with miss
while on a visit in Gloucestershire.

THOMAS
Well—I wish they were once harnessed together in matrimony. — But
pray, Stick, what kind of a place is this Bath?

STICK

Tis a good lounge; in the morning we go to the pump-room (though neither

my master nor I drink the waters); after breakfast we saunter on the parade,
or play a game at billiards; at night we dance; but damn the place,—not a
fiddle nor a card after eleven!—However, Mr. Faulkland's gentleman and I
keep it up a little in private parties;—I'll introduce you there, Thomas—
you'll like him much.

THOMAS
Sure I know Mr. Du-Peigne—you know his master is to marry Madam
Julia.

4
STICK
I had forgot.

But hold—mark! mark! Thomas!

THOMAS
Zooks! 'tis the captain.—Is that the Lady with him?

STICK

No, no, that is Madam Lucy, my master's mistress's maid. They lodge at
that house—but I must after him to tell him the news.

THOMAS
Odd! he's giving her money! — Well, Stick—

STICK

Good-bye, Thomas. Gyde's porch this evening at eight; meet me there, and
we'll make a little party.

[Exeunt severally.]

5
Scene II. — A Dressing-room in Mrs. MALAPROP's Lodgings.

LYDIA sitting on a sofa, with a book in her hand. Lucy enters)

LUCY

Indeed, ma'am, I traversed half the town in search of it: I don't believe
there's a library in Bath I ha'n't been at.

LYDIA
And could not you get The Reward of Constancy?

LUCY
No, indeed, ma'am.

LYDIA
Nor The Fatal Connexion?

LUCY
No, indeed, ma'am.

LYDIA
Nor The Mistakes of the Heart?

LUCY

Ma'am, as ill luck would have it, Mr. Bull said Miss Sukey Saunter had just
fetched it away.

LYDIA
Heigh-ho! — Did you inquire for The Delicate Distress?

LUCY

Or, The Memoirs of Lady Woodford? Yes, indeed, ma'am. I asked

everywhere for it; and I might have brought it from Mr. Frederick's, but
Lady Slattern Lounger, who had just sent it home, had so dog's-eared it, it
wa'n't fit for a Christian to read.

LYDIA Heigh-ho! — Yes, I always know when Lady Slattern has been
before me. Well, what have you brought me?

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LUCY Oh! here, ma'am. —[Taking books from under her cloak, and from
her pockets.] This is The Gordian Knot, —and this Peregrine Pickle. Here
are The Tears of Sensibility. This is The Memoirs of a Lady of Quality,
written by herself, and here the second volume of The Sentimental Journey.

LYDIA
Heigh-ho! — What are those books by the glass?

LUCY The great one is only The Whole Duty of Man, where I press a few
blonds, ma'am.

LYDIA
Very well—give me the sal volatile.

LUCY
Is it in a blue cover, ma'am?

LYDIA
My smelling-bottle!

LUCY
Oh, the drops! —here, ma'am.

LYDIA
Hold! —here's some one coming—quick, see who it is.

[Exit LUCY.]

Surely I heard my cousin Julia's voice.

[Re-enter LUCY.]

LUCY
Lud! ma'am, here is Miss Melville.

LYDIA
Is it possible!

[Exit LUCY.]

[Enter JULIA.]

LYDIA My dearest Julia, how delighted am I! — [Embrace.] How

unexpected was this happiness!

7
JULIA

True, Lydia—and our pleasure is the greater. —But what has been the
matter? —you were denied to me at first!

LYDIA

Ah, Julia, I have a thousand things to tell you! —But first inform me what
has conjured you to Bath?—Is Sir Anthony here?

JULIA

He is—we are arrived within this hour—and I suppose he will be here to

wait on Mrs. Malaprop as soon as he is dressed.

LYDIA

Then before we are interrupted, let me impart to you some of my distress!

— I know your gentle nature will sympathize with me, though your
prudence may condemn me! My letters have informed you of my whole
connection with Beverley; but I have lost him, Julia! My aunt has
discovered our intercourse by a note she intercepted, and has confined me
ever since! Yet would you believe it? She has absolutely fallen in love with
a tall Irish baronet she met one night since we have been here.

JULIA
You jest, Lydia!

LYDIA

No, upon my word. —She really carries on a kind of correspondence with

him, under a feigned name though, till she chooses to be known to him.

JULIA
Then, surely, she is now more indulgent to her niece.

LYDIA

Quite the contrary. Since she has discovered her own frailty, she is become
more suspicious of mine. Then I must inform you of another plague!
—That odious Acres is to be in Bath to-day; so that I protest I shall be
teased out of all spirits!

JULIA

8
Come, come, Lydia, hope for the best—Sir Anthony shall use his interest
with Mrs. Malaprop.

LYDIA

But you have not heard the worst. Unfortunately, I had quarrelled with my
poor Beverley, just before my aunt made the discovery, and I have not seen
him since, to make it up.

JULIA
What was his offence?

LYDIA

Nothing at all! —I don't know how it was, as often as we had been together,
we had never had a quarrel, and, somehow, I was afraid he would never
give me an opportunity. So, last Thursday, I wrote a letter to myself, to
inform myself that Beverley was at that time paying his addresses to
another woman. I signed it your friend unknown, showed it to Beverley,
charged him with his falsehood, put myself in a violent passion, and vowed
I'd never see him more.

JULIA
And you let him depart so, and have not seen him since?

LYDIA

'Twas the next day my aunt found the matter out. I

intended only to have teased him three days and a half, and now I've lost
him forever.

JULIA

If he is as deserving and sincere as you have represented him to me, he will

never give you up. Yet consider, Lydia, you tell me he is but an ensign, and
you have thirty thousand pounds.

LYDIA

But you know I lose most of my fortune if I marry without my aunt's

consent, till of age; and that is what I have determined to do, ever since I
knew the penalty. Nor could I love the man who would wish to wait a day
for the alternative.

9
JULIA
Nay, this is caprice!

LYDIA

What, does Julia tax me with caprice? —I thought her lover Faulkland had
inured her to it.

JULIA
I do not love even his faults.

LYDIA
You have sent to him, I suppose?

JULIA
Not yet, upon my word—nor has he the least idea of my being in Bath.
Sir Anthony's resolution was so sudden, I could not inform him of it.

LYDIA

Well, Julia, you are your own mistress, (though under the protection of Sir
Anthony), yet have you, for this long year, been a slave to the caprice and
jealousy of this ungrateful Faulkland, who will ever delay assuming the
right of a husband, while you suffer him to be equally imperious as a lover.

JULIA

Nay, you are wrong entirely. We were contracted before my father's death.
That, and some consequent embarrassments, have delayed what I know to
be my Faulkland's most ardent wish. He is too generous to trifle on such a
point: —and for his character, you wrong him there, too. No, Lydia, he is
too proud, too noble to be jealous; if he is captious, 'tis without
dissembling; if fretful, without rudeness. Unused to the fopperies of love,
he is negligent of the little duties expected from a lover—His temper, I
must own, has cost me many unhappy hours.

LYDIA

Well, I cannot blame you for defending him. But tell me candidly, Julia,
had he never saved your life, do you think you should have been as
attached to him as you are? Believe me, the rude blast that overset your
boat was a prosperous gale of love to him.

JULIA
10
Gratitude may have strengthened my attachment to Mr. Faulkland, but I
loved him before he had preserved me; yet surely that alone were an
obligation sufficient.

LYDIA

Obligation! why a water spaniel would have done as much!— Well, I

should never think of giving my heart to a man because he could swim.

JULIA
Come, Lydia, you are too inconsiderate.

LYDIA
Nay, I do but jest. —What's here?

[Re-enter LUCY in a hurry.]

LUCY
O ma'am, here is Sir Anthony Absolute just come home with your aunt.

LYDIA
They'll not come here. — Lucy, do you watch.

[Exit LUCY.]

JULIA

Yet I must go. Sir Anthony does not know I am here, and if we meet, he'll
detain me, to show me the town. I'll take another opportunity of paying my
respects to Mrs. Malaprop, when she shall treat me, as long as she chooses,
with her select words so ingeniously misapplied, without being
mispronounced.

[Re-enter LUCY.]

LUCY
O Lud! ma'am, they are both coming up stairs.

LYDIA

Well, I'll not detain you, coz. —Adieu, my dear Julia. I'm sure you are in
haste to send to Faulkland.—There—through my room you'll find another
staircase.

11
JULIA
Adieu!

[Embraces LYDIA, and exits.]

LYDIA

Here, my dear Lucy, hide these books. Quick, quick!— Fling Peregrine
Pickle under the toilet—throw Roderick Random into the closet—put The
Innocent Adultery into The Whole Duty of Man—thrust Lord Aimworth
under the sofa, and leave Fordyce's Sermons open on the table.

Fling me Lord Chesterfields Letters.—Now for 'em.

[Exit LUCY.]

[Enter Mrs. MALAPROP, and Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.]

Mrs. MALAPROP

There, Sir Anthony, there sits the deliberate simpleton who wants to
disgrace her family, and lavish herself on a fellow not worth a shilling.

LYDIA
Madam, I thought you once——

Mrs. MALAPROP

You thought, miss! I don't know any business you have to think at all—
thought does not become a young woman. But the point we would
request of you is, that you will promise to forget this fellow—to illiterate
him, I say, quite, from your memory.

LYDIA

Ah, madam! our memories are independent of our wills. It is not so easy to
forget.

Mrs. MALAPROP

But I say it is, miss; there is nothing on earth so easy as to forget, if a

person chooses to set about it. I'm sure I have forgot your poor dear uncle
as if he had never existed—and let me tell you, Lydia, these violent
memories don't become a young woman.

12
Sir ANTHONY

Why sure she won't pretend to remember what she's ordered not! —ay, this
comes of her reading!

LYDIA
What crime, madam, have I committed, to be treated thus?

Mrs. MALAPROP

Now don't attempt to extirpate yourself from the matter; you know I have
proof controvertible of it.—But tell me, will you promise to do as you're
bid? Will you take a husband of your friends' choosing?

LYDIA

Madam, I must tell you plainly, that had I no preferment for anyone else,
the choice you have made would be my aversion.

Mrs. MALAPROP

What business have you, miss, with preference and aversion? They don't
become a young woman; and you ought to know, that as both always wear
off, 'tis safest in matrimony to begin with a little aversion. I am sure I hated
your poor dear uncle before marriage—and yet, miss, you are sensible what
a wife I made! —and when it pleased Heaven to release me from him, 'tis
unknown what tears I shed! —But suppose we were going to give you
another choice, will you promise us to give up this Beverley?

LYDIA

Could I belie my thoughts so far as to give that promise, my actions would

certainly as far belie my words.

Mrs. MALAPROP

Take yourself to your room.—You are fit company for nothing but your
own ill-humours.

LYDIA
Willingly, ma'am—I cannot change for the worse. [Exit.]

Mrs. MALAPROP
There's a little intricate hussy for you!

13
Sir ANTHONY
It is not to be wondered at, ma'am ,— all this is the natural consequence of
teaching girls to read.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Nay, nay, Sir Anthony, you are an absolute misanthropy.

Sir ANTHONY

In my way hither, Mrs. Malaprop, I observed your niece's maid coming

forth from a circulating library!—She had a book in each hand—with
marble covers!—From that moment I guessed how full of duty I should see
her mistress!

Mrs. MALAPROP
Those are vile places, indeed!

Sir ANTHONY

Madam, a circulating library in a town is as an evergreen tree of diabolical

knowledge! It blossoms through the year!—And depend on it, Mrs.
Malaprop, that they who are so fond of handling the leaves, will long for
the fruit at last.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Fie, fie, Sir Anthony! you surely speak laconically.

Sir ANTHONY

Why, Mrs. Malaprop, in moderation now, what would you have a woman
know?

Mrs. MALAPROP

Observe me, Sir Anthony. I would by no means wish a daughter of mine to

be a progeny of learning; I don't think so much learning becomes a young
woman; for instance, I would never let her meddle with Greek, or Hebrew,
or algebra, or such inflammatory branches of learning—neither would it be
necessary for her to handle any of your mathematical, astronomical,
diabolical instruments.—But, Sir Anthony, I would send her, at nine years
old, to a boarding-school, in order to learn a little ingenuity and artifice.
Then, she should have a supercilious knowledge in accounts;—and as she
grew up, I would have her instructed in geometry, that she might know
something of the contagious countries;—but above all, Sir Anthony, she
14
should be mistress of orthodoxy, that she might not mis-spell, and mis-
pronounce words so shamefully as girls usually do; and likewise that she
might reprehend the true meaning of what she is saying. This, Sir Anthony,
is what I would have a woman know; —and I don't think there is a
superstitious article in it.

Sir ANTHONY

Well, well, Mrs. Malaprop, I will dispute the point no further with you;
though I must confess, that you are a truly moderate and polite arguer, for
almost every third word you say is on my side of the question. But, Mrs.
Malaprop, to the more important point in debate—you say you have no
objection to my proposal?

Mrs. MALAPROP

None, I assure you. I am under no positive engagement with Mr. Acres, and
as Lydia is so obstinate against him, perhaps your son may have better
success.

Sir ANTHONY
Well, madam, I will write for the boy directly. He knows not a syllable
of this yet. He is at present with his regiment.

Mrs. MALAPROP

We have never seen your son, Sir Anthony; but I hope there is no objection
on his side.

Sir ANTHONY

Objection!—let him object if he dare!—No, no, Mrs. Malaprop, Jack

knows that the least demur puts me in a frenzy directly. My process was
always very simple—in their younger days, 'twas "Jack, do this";—if he
demurred, I knocked him down.

Mrs. MALAPROP

Ay, and the properest way, o' my conscience!— Well, Sir Anthony, I shall
give Mr. Acres his discharge, and prepare Lydia to receive your son's
invocations;—and I hope you will represent her to the captain as an object
not altogether illegible.

Sir ANTHONY
15
Madam, I will handle the subject prudently.— I must leave you; and let me
beg you, Mrs. Malaprop, to take my advice—if the girl rejects this
proposal, clap her under lock and key; and if you were just to let the
servants forget to bring her dinner for three or four days, you can't conceive
how she'd come about.
[Exit.]

Mrs. MALAPROP

Well, at any rate, I shall be glad to get her from under my intuition. She has
somehow discovered my partiality for Sir Lucius O'Trigger—sure, Lucy
can't have betrayed me!—No, the girl is such a simpleton, I should have
made her confess it.—Lucy!— Lucy!—[Calls.] Had she been one of your
artificial ones, I should never have trusted her.

[Re-enter LUCY.]

LUCY
Did you call, ma'am?

Mrs. MALAPROP
Yes, girl.—Did you see Sir Lucius while you was out?

LUCY
No, indeed, ma'am, not a glimpse of him.

Mrs. MALAPROP
You are sure, Lucy, that you never mentioned——

LUCY
Oh gemini! I'd sooner cut my tongue out.

Mrs. MALAPROP

Come to me presently, and I'll give you another letter to Sir Lucius; but
mind, Lucy—if ever you betray what you are entrusted with (unless it be
other people's secrets to me), you forfeit my malevolence forever. [Exit.]

LUCY

Ha! ha! ha!—So, my dear Simplicity, let me give you a little respite.—
[Altering her manner.] Let girls in my station be as fond as they please of
appearing expert, and knowing in their trusts; commend me to a mask of
silliness, and a pair of sharp eyes for my own interest under it!
16
—Let me see to what account have I turned my simplicity lately.—[Looks
at a paper.] For abetting Miss Lydia Languish in a design of running away
with an ensign! —in money: welve pound twelve; gowns, five; hats, ruffles,
caps, &c., &c., numberless! —From the said ensign, within this last month,
six guineas and a half. —About a quarter's pay!—Item, from Mrs.
Malaprop, for betraying the young people to her—when I found matters
were likely to be discovered—two guineas-—Item, from Mr. Acres, for
carrying divers letters— which I never delivered—two guineas, and a pair
of buckles.— Item, from Sir Lucius O'Trigger, three crowns, and a silver
snuff-box!—Well done, Simplicity!—Yet I was forced to make my
Hibernian believe, that he was corresponding, not with the aunt, but with the
niece.

[Exit.]

17
 ACT II

Scene I.—CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE's Lodgings. [CAPTAIN

ABSOLUTE and STICK.]

STICK

Sir, while I was there Sir Anthony came in: I told him you had sent me to
inquire after his health, and to know if he was at leisure to see you.

ABSOLUTE
And what did he say, on hearing I was at Bath?

STICK

Sir, in my life I never saw an elderly gentleman more astonished! He

started back two or three paces, rapped out a dozen oaths, and asked, what
the devil had brought you here.

ABSOLUTE
Well, sir, and what did you say?

STICK

Oh, I lied, sir—I forgot the precise lie; but you may depend on't, he got no
truth from me. Yet, for fear of blunders in future, I should be glad to fix
what has brought us to Bath; in order that we may lie a little consistently.
Sir Anthony's servants were curious, sir, very curious indeed.

ABSOLUTE
You have said nothing to them?

STICK

Oh, not a word, sir,—not a word! Mr. Thomas, indeed, the coachman
(whom I take to be the discreetest of whips)——

ABSOLUTE
'Sdeath! —you rascal! you have not trusted him!

STICK

18
Oh, no, sir—no—no—not a syllable, upon my veracity! —He was, indeed,
a little inquisitive; but I was sly, sir! My master (said I), honest Thomas, is
come to Bath to recruit—Yes, sir, I said to recruit—and whether for men,
money, or constitution, you know, sir, is nothing to him, nor anyone else.

ABSOLUTE
Well, recruit will do—let it be so.

STICK

Oh, sir, recruit will do surprisingly—indeed, to give the thing an air, I told
Thomas, that your honour had already enlisted five chairmen and seven
waiters.

ABSOLUTE
You blockhead, never say more than is necessary.

STICK

I beg pardon, sir—I beg pardon—but, with submission, a lie is nothing

unless one supports it.

ABSOLUTE

Well…is Mr. Faulkland returned?

STICK
He is above, sir, changing his dress.

ABSOLUTE
Can you tell whether he has been informed of Sir Anthony and
Miss Melville's arrival?

STICK
I fancy not, sir; I think, sir, I hear Mr. Faulkland coming down——

ABSOLUTE
Go, tell him I am here.

STICK

Yes, sir.—[Going.] I beg pardon, sir, but should Sir Anthony call, you will
do me the favour to remember that we are recruiting, if you please.

19
ABSOLUTE
Well, well.

[STICK exits.]

ABSOLUTE Now for my whimsical friend—if he does not know that his
mistress is here, I'll tease him a little before I tell him——

[Enter FAULKLAND.]

Faulkland, you're welcome to Bath again; you are punctual in your return.

FAULKLAND

Yes; I had nothing to detain me, when I had finished the business I went on.
Well, what news since I left you? how stand matters between you and
Lydia?

ABSOLUTE

Faith, much as they were; I have not seen her since our quarrel; however, I
expect to be recalled every hour.

FAULKLAND
Why don't you persuade her to go off with you at once?

ABSOLUTE

What, and lose two-thirds of her fortune? you forget that, my friend.—

FAULKLAND

Nay then, you trifle too long—if you are sure of her, propose to the aunt in
your own character, and write to Sir Anthony for his consent.

ABSOLUTE

Softly, softly; for though I am convinced my little Lydia would elope with
me as Ensign Beverley, yet am I by no means certain that she would take
me with the impediment of our friends' consent, a regular humdrum
wedding, and the reversion of a good fortune on my side: no, no; I must
prepare her gradually for the discovery, and make myself necessary to her,
before I risk it.—Well, but Faulkland, you'll dine with us to-day at the
hotel?

20
FAULKLAND
Indeed I cannot; I am not in spirits to be of such a party.

ABSOLUTE

By heavens! I shall forswear your company. You are the most teasing,
captious, incorrigible lover!—Do love like a man.

FAULKLAND
I own I am unfit for company.

ABSOLUTE

Am I not a lover; ay, and a romantic one too? Yet do I carry everywhere
with me such a confounded farrago of doubts, fears, hopes, wishes, and all
the flimsy furniture of a country miss's brain!

FAULKLAND

Ah! Jack, your heart and soul are not, like mine, fixed immutably on one
only object. You throw for a large stake, but losing, you could stake and
throw again; —but I have set my sum of happiness on this cast, and not to
succeed, were to be stripped of all.

ABSOLUTE

But, for heaven's sake! What grounds for apprehension can your whimsical
brain conjure up at present?

FAULKLAND

What grounds for apprehension, did you say? Heavens! are there not a
thousand! I fear for her spirits—her health—her life! — My absence may
fret her; her anxiety for my return, her fears for me may oppress her gentle
temper: and for her health, does not every hour bring me cause to be
alarmed? If it rains, some shower may even then have chilled her delicate
frame! If the wind be keen, some rude blast may have affected her! The
heat of noon, the dews of the evening, may endanger the life of her, for
whom only I value mine. O Jack! When delicate and feeling souls are
separated, there is not a feature in the sky, not a movement of the elements,
not an aspiration of the breeze, but hints some cause for a lover's
apprehension!

ABSOLUTE
21
Ay, but we may choose whether we will take the hint or not.—So, then,
Faulkland,
if you were convinced that Julia were well and in spirits, you would be
entirely content?

FAULKLAND
I should be happy beyond measure—I am anxious only for that.

ABSOLUTE

Then to cure your anxiety at once—Miss Melville is in perfect health and is

at this moment in Bath.

FAULKLAND
Nay, Jack—don't trifle with me.

ABSOLUTE
She is arrived here with my father within this hour.

FAULKLAND
Can you be serious?

ABSOLUTE

I thought you knew Sir Anthony better than to be surprised at a sudden

whim of this kind.—Seriously, then, it is as I tell you—upon my honour.

FAULKLAND My dear friend!—Hollo, Du-Peigne!—My dear Jack—now

nothing on earth can give me a moment's uneasiness.

[Re-enter STICK.]

STICK
Sir, Mr. Acres, just arrived, is below.

ABSOLUTE

Stay, Faulkland, this Acres lives within a mile of Sir Anthony, and he shall
tell you how your mistress has been ever since you left her. —Stick, show
this gentleman up.

[Exit STICK .]

FAULKLAND

22
What, is he much acquainted in the family?

ABSOLUTE

Oh, very intimate: I insist on you’re not going: besides, his character will
divert you.

FAULKLAND
Well, I should like to ask him a few questions.

ABSOLUTE

He is likewise a rival of mine—that is, of my other self's, for he does not

think his friend Captain Absolute ever saw the lady in question; and it is
ridiculous enough to hear him complain to me of one Beverley, a concealed
skulking rival, who——

FAULKLAND
Hush!—he's here.

[Enter ACRES.]

ACRES

Ha! my dear friend, noble captain, and honest Jack, how dost thou? just
arrived, faith, as you see. — Sir, your humble servant.—Warm work on the
roads, Jack!—Odds whips and wheels! I've travelled like a comet, with a
tail of dust all the way.

ABSOLUTE
Ah! Bob, you are indeed an eccentric planet, but we know your attraction
hither. —Give me leave to introduce Mr. Faulkland to you; Mr.
Faulkland, Mr. Acres.

ACRES

Sir, I am most heartily glad to see you: sir.—Hey, Jack—what, this is Mr.
Faulkland, who——

ABSOLUTE
Ay, Bob, Miss Melville's Mr. Faulkland.

ACRES

23
Odso! she can be but just arrived before me: —I suppose you have seen her.
Ah! Mr. Faulkland, you are indeed a happy man.

FAULKLAND

I have not seen Miss Melville yet, sir; —I hope she enjoyed full health and
spirits in Devonshire?

ACRES

Never knew her better in my life, sir, —never better. Odds blushes and
blooms! She has been as healthy as the German Spa.

FAULKLAND
Indeed! I did hear that she had been a little indisposed.

ACRES

False, false, sir—only said to vex you: quite the reverse, I assure you.

FAULKLAND

There, Jack, you see she has the advantage of me; I had almost fretted
myself ill.

ABSOLUTE
Now are you angry with your mistress for not having been sick?

FAULKLAND

No, no, you misunderstand me: yet surely a little trifling indisposition is not
an unnatural consequence of absence from those we love. — Now
confess—isn't there something unkind in this violent, robust, unfeeling
health?

ABSOLUTE
Oh, it was very unkind of her to be well in your absence, to be sure!

ACRES
Good apartments, Jack.

FAULKLAND

24
Well, sir, but you were saying that Miss Melville has been so exceedingly
well—what then she has been merry and gay, I suppose? —Always in
spirits—hey?

ACRES

Merry, odds crickets! She has been the belle and spirit of the company
wherever she has been—so lively and entertaining! So full of wit and
humour!

FAULKLAND

There, Jack, there.—Oh, by my soul! there is an innate levity in woman,

that nothing can overcome.—What! happy, and I away?

ABSOLUTE

Have done. — How foolish this is! Just now you were only apprehensive
for your mistress' spirits.

FAULKLAND
Why, Jack, have I been the joy and spirit of the company?

ABSOLUTE
No, indeed, you have not.

FAULKLAND
Have I been lively and entertaining?

ABSOLUTE
Oh, upon my word, I acquit you.

FAULKLAND
Have I been full of wit and humour?

ABSOLUTE
No, faith, to do you justice, you have been confoundedly stupid indeed.

ACRES
What's the matter with the gentleman?

ABSOLUTE

25
He is only expressing his great satisfaction at hearing that Julia has been so
well and happy—that's all—hey, Faulkland?

FAULKLAND
Oh! I am rejoiced to hear it—yes, yes, she has a happy disposition!

ACRES

That she has indeed—then she is so accomplished—so sweet a voice—so

expert at her harpsichord—There was this time month—odds minims and
crotchets! how she did chirrup at Mrs. Piano's concert!

FAULKLAND

There again, what say you to this? you see she has been all mirth and
song—not a thought of me!

ABSOLUTE
Pho! man, is not music the food of love?

FAULKLAND Well, well, it may be so.—Pray, Mr.—, what's his damned

name?—Do you remember what songs Miss Melville sung?

ACRES
Not I indeed.

ABSOLUTE

Stay, now, perhaps you may recollect;—did she sing, When absent from my
soul's delight?

ACRES
No, that wa'n't it.

Nothing like it. Odds! now I recollect one of them— My heart's my own,
my will is free. [Sings.]

FAULKLAND

Fool! fool that I am! to fix all my happiness on such a trifler! What can you
say to this, sir?

ABSOLUTE
Why, that I should be glad to hear my mistress had been so merry, sir.

26
FAULKLAND

Nay, nay, nay—I'm not sorry that she has been happy—no, no, I am glad of
that—I would not have had her sad or sick—yet surely a sympathetic heart
would have shown itself even in the choice of a song—she might have been
temperately healthy, and somehow, plaintively gay;—but she has been
dancing too, I doubt not!

ACRES
What does the gentleman say about dancing?

ABSOLUTE
He says the lady we speak of dances as well as she sings.

ACRES
Ay, truly, does she—there was at our last race ball——

FAULKLAND

Hell and the devil! There!—there—I told you so! I told you so! Oh! she
thrives in my absence!—Dancing! I have been anxious, silent, pensive,
sedentary—She has been all health! Spirit! Laugh! Song! Dance!—Oh!
damned, damned levity!

ABSOLUTE

For Heaven's sake, Faulkland, don't expose yourself so!—Suppose she has
danced, what then?—does not the ceremony of society often oblige ——

FAULKLAND

Well, well, I'll contain myself—perhaps as you say— for form

sake.—What, Mr. Acres, you were praising Miss Melville's manner of
dancing a minuet—hey?

ACRES

Oh, I dare insure her for that—but what I was going to speak of was her
country-dancing. Odds swimmings! She has such an air with her!

FAULKLAND

Now disappointment on her!—Defend this, Absolute; Country-dances! Jigs

and reels! A minuet I could have forgiven—I should not have minded

27
that—I say I should not have regarded a minuet—but country- dances!—
Zounds! To run the gauntlet through a string of amorous palming
puppies!— Oh, Jack, there never can be but one man in the world whom a
truly modest and delicate woman ought to pair with in a country-dance;
and, even then, the rest of the couples should be her great-uncles and aunts!

ABSOLUTE
Ay, to be sure!—grandfathers and grandmothers!

FAULKLAND

If there be but one vicious mind in the set, 'twill spread like a contagion—
the action of their pulse beats to the lascivious movement of the jig—their
quivering, warm-breathed sighs impregnate the very air—the atmosphere
becomes electrical to love, and each amorous spark darts through every
link of the chain!—I must leave you—I own I am somewhat flurried—and
that confounded looby has perceived it. [Going.]

ABSOLUTE
Nay, but stay, Faulkland, and thank Mr. Acres for his good news.

FAULKLAND
Damn his news!

[Exit.]

ABSOLUTE

Ha! ha! ha! poor Faulkland five minutes since—"nothing on earth could
give him a moment's uneasiness!"

ACRES
The gentleman wa'n't angry at my praising his mistress, was he?

ABSOLUTE
A little jealous, I believe, Bob.

ACRES
You don't say so? Ha! ha! jealous of me—that's a good joke.

ABSOLUTE

There's nothing strange in that, Bob; let me tell you, that sprightly grace
and manner of yours will do some mischief among the girls here.

28
ACRES

Ah! you joke—ha! ha! mischief—ha! ha! but you know I am not my own
property, my dear Lydia has forestalled me. She could never abide me in
the country, because I used to dress so badly— but I'll make my old clothes
know who's master. My hair has been in training some time.

ABSOLUTE
Ah, you'll polish, I doubt not.

ACRES

Absolutely I propose so—then if I can find out this Ensign Beverley, odds
triggers and flints! I'll make him know the difference o't.

ABSOLUTE

Spoke like a man! But pray, Bob, I observe you have got an odd kind of a
new method of swearing——

ACRES

Ha! ha! you've taken notice of it—'tis genteel, isn't it?

ABSOLUTE

Very genteel, and very new, indeed!

ACRES
Ay, ay! Damns have had their day.

[Re-enter STICK.]

STICK

Sir, there is a gentleman below desires to see you.—Shall I show him into
the parlour?

ABSOLUTE
Ay—you may.

ACRES
Well, I must be gone——

ABSOLUTE
29
Stay; who is it, Stick?

STICK
Your father, sir.

ABSOLUTE
You puppy, why didn't you show him up directly?

[Exit STICK.]

ACRES
You have business with Sir Anthony.—I expect a message from Mrs.
Malaprop at my lodgings. I have sent also to my dear friend Sir Lucius
O'Trigger. Adieu, Jack! We must meet at night, when you shall give me a
dozen bumpers to little Lydia.

ABSOLUTE
That I will with all my heart.——

[Exit ACRES.]

Now for a parental lecture—I hope he has heard nothing of the business
that brought me here—I wish the gout had held him fast in Devonshire,
with all my soul!

[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.]

Sir I am delighted to see you here; looking so well! your sudden arrival at
Bath made me apprehensive for your health.

Sir ANTHONY

Very apprehensive, I dare say, Jack.—What, you are recruiting here, hey?

ABSOLUTE
Yes, sir, I am on duty.

Sir ANTHONY

Well, Jack, I am glad to see you, though I did not expect it. I was going to
write to you on a little matter of business. —Jack, I have been considering
that I grow old and infirm, and shall probably not trouble you long.

ABSOLUTE

30
Pardon me, sir, I never saw you look more strong and hearty; and I pray
frequently that you may continue so.

Sir ANTHONY

I hope your prayers may be heard, with all my heart. Well, then, Jack, I
have been considering that I am so strong and hearty I may continue to
plague you a long time. Jack, I am sensible that the income of your
commission, and what I have hitherto allowed you, is but a small pittance
for a lad of your spirit.

ABSOLUTE
Sir, you are very good.

Sir ANTHONY

And it is my wish, while yet I live, to have my boy make some figure in the
world. I have resolved, therefore, to fix you at once in a noble
independence.

ABSOLUTE

Sir, your kindness overpowers me!

Sir ANTHONY

I am glad you are so sensible of my attention—and you shall be master of a

large estate in a few weeks.

ABSOLUTE
Let my future life, sir, speak my gratitude.
Yet, sir, I presume you would not wish me to quit the army?

Sir ANTHONY
Oh, that shall be as your wife chooses.

ABSOLUTE
My wife, sir!

Sir ANTHONY
Ay, ay, settle that between you—settle that between you.

ABSOLUTE
A wife, sir, did you say?

31
Sir ANTHONY
Ay, a wife—why, did not I mention her before?

ABSOLUTE
Not a word of her, sir.

Sir ANTHONY
Odd so!—Yes, Jack, the independence I was talking of is by marriage—the
fortune is saddled with a wife—but I suppose that makes no difference.

ABSOLUTE
Sir! sir!—you amaze me!

Sir ANTHONY

Why, what the devil's the matter with the fool? Just now you were all
gratitude and duty.

ABSOLUTE

I was, sir,—you talked to me of independence and a fortune, but not a word

of a wife.

Sir ANTHONY

Why—what difference does that make?

ABSOLUTE

If my happiness is to be the price, I must beg leave to decline the

purchase.—Pray, sir, who is the lady?

Sir ANTHONY

What's that to you, sir?—Come, give me your promise to love, and to marry
her directly.

ABSOLUTE

Sir, I must tell you plainly that my inclinations are fixed on another—my
heart is engaged to an angel.

Sir ANTHONY

32
Then pray let it send an excuse. It is very sorry— but business prevents its
waiting on her.

ABSOLUTE
But my vows are pledged to her.

Sir ANTHONY

Let her foreclose, Jack; let her foreclose.

ABSOLUTE

You must excuse me, sir, if I tell you, once for all, that in this point I cannot
obey you.

Sir ANTHONY

Hark'ee, Jack;—I have heard you for some time with patience—I have been
cool—quite cool; you know I am compliance itself—when I am not
thwarted;—no one more easily led—when I have my own way;—but don't
put me in a frenzy.

ABSOLUTE
Sir, I must repeat it—in this I cannot obey you.

Sir ANTHONY
Now damn me! if ever I call you Jack again while I live!

ABSOLUTE
Nay, sir, but hear me.

Sir ANTHONY

Sir, I won't hear a word—not a word! not one word! so give me your
promise by a nod—and I'll tell you what, Jack—I mean, you dog—if you
don't, by——

ABSOLUTE
What, sir, promise to link myself to some mass of ugliness! to——

Sir ANTHONY

Zounds! Sirrah! the lady shall be as ugly as I choose: she shall have a hump
on each shoulder; she shall be as crooked as the crescent; she shall have a

33
skin like a mummy, she shall be all this, sirrah!—yet I will make you ogle
her all day, and sit up all night to write sonnets on her beauty.

ABSOLUTE
This is reason and moderation indeed!

Sir ANTHONY
None of your sneering, puppy! No grinning, jackanapes!

ABSOLUTE
Indeed, sir, I never was in a worse humour for mirth in my life.

Sir ANTHONY '

Tis false, sir! I know you'll grin when I am gone, sirrah!

ABSOLUTE
Sir, I hope I know my duty better.

Sir ANTHONY None of your passion, sir! none of your violence, if you
please!

ABSOLUTE
Indeed, sir, I never was cooler in my life.

Sir ANTHONY

'Tis a confounded lie! —I know you are in a passion in your heart; I know
you are, you hypocritical young dog!

ABSOLUTE
Nay, sir, upon my word——

Sir ANTHONY

So you will fly out! Can't you be cool like me? What the devil good can
passion do, you impudent, insolent reprobate! —There, you sneer again!
don't provoke me!—you rely upon the mildness of my temper— you do,
you dog! you play upon the meekness of my disposition!—Yet take care—
the patience of a saint may be overcome at last!—but mark! I give you six
hours and a half to consider of this: if you then agree, without any
condition, to do everything on earth that I choose, why—I may in time
forgive you.—If not, zounds! don't enter the same hemisphere with me!
don't dare to breathe the same air, or use the same light with me; but get an

34
atmosphere and a sun of your own! I’ll disown you, I'll disinherit you, I'll
unget you! and damn me! if ever I call you Jack again! [Exit.]

ABSOLUTE

Mild, gentle, considerate father—What a tender method of giving his

opinion in these matters Sir Anthony has! I dare not trust him with the
truth.—I wonder what wealthy hag it is that he wants to bestow on
me!—Yet he married himself for love!

[Re-enter STICK.]

STICK

Assuredly, sir, your father is wrath to a degree; he comes downstairs eight

or ten steps at a time—muttering, growling, and thumping the banisters all
the way. Upon my credit, sir, were I in your place, and found my father
such very bad company, I should certainly drop his acquaintance.

ABSOLUTE Cease your impertinence, sir, at present.—Did you come in

for nothing more? (Exits)

STICK So! Sir Anthony trims my master; he is afraid to reply to his

father—then vents his spleen on poor Stick!—(Exits)

35
ACT TWO

Scene II.—The North Parade.

[Enter LUCY.]

LUCY

So—I shall have another rival to add to my mistress's list— Captain

Absolute. However, I shall not enter his name till my purse has received
notice in form. Poor Acres is dismissed!—Well, I have done him a last
friendly office, in letting him know that Beverley was here before him.—
Sir Lucius is generally more punctual, when he expects to hear from his
dear Delia: I wonder he's not here! I should not be paid so well, if my hero
knew that Delia was near forty, and her own mistress.

[Enter Sir LUCIUS O'TRIGGER.]

Sir LUCIUS

Ha! my little ambassadress—upon my conscience, I have been looking for

you; I have been on the South Parade this half hour.

LUCY [Speaking simply.]

O gemini! and I have been waiting for your worship here on the North.

Sir LUCIUS

Faith!—maybe that was the reason we did not meet; and it is very comical
too, for I was only taking a nap at the Parade Coffee-house, and I chose the
window on purpose that I might not miss you.

LUCY
My stars! Now I'd wager a sixpence I went by while you were asleep.

Sir LUCIUS

Sure enough it must have been so—Well, but my little girl, have you got
nothing for me?

LUCY
Yes, I have—I've got a letter for you in my pocket.

36
Sir LUCIUS

O faith! I guessed you weren't come empty-handed— Well—let me see

what the dear creature says.

LUCY
There, Sir Lucius. [Gives him a letter.]

Sir LUCIUS [Reads.]

Sir—there is often a sudden incentive impulse in love, that has a greater

induction than years of domestic combination: such was the commotion I
felt at the first superfluous view of Sir Lucius O'Trigger.—Very pretty,
upon my word.—Female punctuation forbids me to say more, yet let me
add, that it will give me joy infallible to find Sir Lucius worthy the last
criterion of my affections. Delia. Upon my conscience! Lucy, your lady is a
great mistress of language, quite the queen of the dictionary!—

LUCY
Ay, sir, a lady of her experience——

Sir LUCIUS
Experience! what, at seventeen?

LUCY O true, sir—but then she reads so—my stars! how she will read off
hand!

Sir LUCIUS

Faith, she must be very deep read to write this way—an arbitrary writer
too—

LUCY
Ah! Sir Lucius, if you were to hear how she talks of you!

Sir LUCIUS
Oh, tell her I'll make her the best husband in the world, and Lady
O'Trigger into the bargain!—But we must get the
gentlewoman's consent—and do everything fairly.

LUCY
Nay, Sir Lucius, I thought you wa'n't rich enough to be so nice!

Sir LUCIUS

37
Upon my word, young woman, you have hit it:—I am so poor, that I can't
afford to do a dirty action.—If I did not want money, I'd steal your mistress
and her fortune with a great deal of pleasure.—However, my pretty girl,
[Gives her money] here's a little something to buy you a ribbon; and meet
me in the evening, and I'll give you an answer to this. (Exits)

[Enter STICK.]

STICK
So, so, ma'am! I humbly beg pardon.

LUCY
O Lud! now, Stick—you flurry one so.

STICK

Come, come, Lucy, here's no one by—so a little less simplicity, with a
grain or two more sincerity, if you please.—You play false with us,
madam.—I saw you give the baronet a letter.—My master shall know
this—and if he don't call him out, I will.

LUCY

Ha! ha! ha! you gentlemen's valets are so hasty.—That letter was from Mrs.
Malaprop, simpleton.—She is taken with Sir Lucius's address.

STICK

How! what tastes some people have! — But what says our young lady? any
message to my master?

LUCY

Sad news.—Stick, a worse rival than Acres! Sir Anthony Absolute has
proposed his son.

FAG
What, Captain Absolute?

LUCY
Even so—I overheard it all.

FAG

38
Ha! ha! ha! very good, faith. Good-bye, Lucy, I must away with this news.

LUCY
Well, you may laugh—but it is true, I assure you. — [Going.]

[Exeunt severally.]

39
ACT III

Scene I—The North Parade. [Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]

ABSOLUTE

'Tis just as Stick told me, indeed. My father wants to force me to marry the
very girl I am plotting to run away with! He must not know of my
connection with her yet awhile. So, so—here he comes. He looks plaguy
gruff. [Steps aside.]

[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.]

Sir ANTHONY

No—I'll die sooner than forgive him. Die, did I say? I'll live these fifty
years to plague him. An obstinate, passionate, self-willed boy! Who can he
take after? This is my return for getting him before all his brothers and
sisters! — for putting him, at twelve years old, into a marching regiment,
and allowing him fifty pounds a year, besides his pay, ever since! But I
have done with him; he's anybody's son for me. I never will see him more,
never—never—never.

ABSOLUTE
[Aside, coming forward.] Now for a penitential face.

Sir ANTHONY
Fellow, get out of my way!

ABSOLUTE
Sir, you see a penitent before you.

Sir ANTHONY
I see an impudent scoundrel before me.

ABSOLUTE

A sincere penitent. I am come, sir, to acknowledge my error, and to submit

entirely to your will.

SirANTHONY What’s
that?

40
ABSOLUTE

I have been reflecting and considering on your past goodness, and kindness,
and condescension to me.

Sir ANTHONY
Well, sir?

ABSOLUTE

I have been likewise weighing and balancing what you were pleased to
mention concerning duty, and obedience, and authority.

Sir ANTHONY
Well, puppy?

ABSOLUTE

Why then, sir, the result of my reflections is—a resolution to sacrifice every
inclination of my own to your satisfaction.

Sir ANTHONY

Why now you talk sense—absolute sense—I never heard anything more
sensible in my life. Confound you! You shall be Jack again.

ABSOLUTE
I am happy in the appellation.

Sir ANTHONY

Why then, Jack, my dear Jack, I will now inform you who the lady really is.
Prepare, Jack, for wonder and rapture—prepare. What think you of Miss
Lydia Languish?

ABSOLUTE
Languish! What, the Languishes of Worcestershire?

Sir ANTHONY
Worcestershire! No. Did you never meet Mrs. Malaprop and her niece,
Miss Languish, who came into our country just before you were last
ordered to your regiment?

ABSOLUTE

41
Malaprop! Languish! I don't remember ever to have heard the names
before. Yet, stay—I think I do recollect something. Languish! Languish!
She squints, don't she? A little red-haired girl?

Sir ANTHONY
Squints! A red-haired girl! Zounds! No.

ABSOLUTE
Then I must have forgot; it can't be the same person.

Sir ANTHONY
Jack! Jack! What think you of blooming, love-breathing seventeen?

ABSOLUTE

As to that, sir, I am quite indifferent. If I can please you in the matter, 'tis
all I desire.

Sir ANTHONY

Jack, such eyes! such eyes! so innocently wild! so bashfully irresolute!

Then, Jack, her cheeks! her cheeks, Jack! so deeply blushing! Then, Jack,
her lips! O, Jack, smiling and if not smiling, more sweetly pouting!

ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] That's she, indeed. Well done, old gentleman.

Sir ANTHONY
Then, Jack, her neck! O Jack! Jack!

ABSOLUTE
And which is to be mine, sir, the niece, or the aunt?

Sir ANTHONY

Why, you unfeeling, insensible puppy. When I was your age, such a
description would have made me fly like a rocket! The aunt indeed! Odds
life! when I ran away with your mother, I would not have touched anything
old to gain an empire.

ABSOLUTE
Not to please your father, sir?

Sir ANTHONY

42
To please my father! Zounds! not to please—Oh, my father—odd so!
—yes—yes; if my father indeed had desired—that's quite another matter.
Though he wa'n't the indulgent father that I am, Jack.

ABSOLUTE
I dare say not, sir.

Sir ANTHONY
But, Jack, you are not sorry to find your mistress is so beautiful?

ABSOLUTE

Sir, I repeat it—if I please you in this affair, 'tis all I desire.

Sir ANTHONY

Odds life! I have a great mind to marry the girl myself!

ABSOLUTE

I am entirely at your disposal, sir: if you should think of addressing Miss

Languish yourself, I suppose you would have me marry the aunt; or if you
should change your mind, and take the old lady—'tis the same to me—I'll
marry the niece.

Sir ANTHONY

Upon my word, Jack, thou'rt either a very great hypocrite, or—but, come, I
know your indifference on such a subject must be all a lie—I'm sure it
must—come, now—come, confess Jack—you have been lying, ha'n't you?

ABSOLUTE

I'm sorry, sir, that the respect and duty which I bear to you should be so
mistaken.

Sir ANTHONY

Hang your respect and duty! But come along with me, I'll write a note to
Mrs. Malaprop, and you shall visit the lady directly. Come along, I'll never
forgive you, if you don't come back stark mad with rapture and
impatience—if you don't, egad, I will marry the girl myself!

[Exeunt.]

43
 Scene II—JULIA's Dressing-room. [FAULKLAND discovered
alone.]

FAULKLAND

They told me Julia would return directly; I wonder she is not yet come!
How mean does this unsatisfied temper of mine appear to my cooler
judgment! Yet I know not that I indulge it in any other point: but on this
one subject, and to this one subject, whom I think I love beyond my life, I
am ever fretful and madly capricious! I am conscious of it— yet I cannot
correct myself! What tender honest joy sparkled in her eyes when we met!
How delicate was the warmth of her expression! I was ashamed to appear
less happy—though I had come resolved to wear a face of coolness and
upbraiding. She is coming! Yes!—I know the nimbleness of her tread,
when she thinks her impatient Faulkland counts the moments of her stay.

[Enter JULIA.]

JULIA
I had not hoped to see you again so soon.

FAULKLAND

Could I, Julia, be contented with my first welcome— restrained as we were

by the presence of a third person?

JULIA

O Faulkland, when your kindness can make me thus happy, let me not think
that I discovered something of coldness in your first salutation.

FAULKLAND

'Twas but your fancy, Julia. I was rejoiced to see you—to see you in such
health. Sure I had no cause for coldness?

JULIA Nay, then, I see you have taken something ill. You must not conceal
from me what it is.

FAULKLAND Well, then—shall I own to you that my joy at hearing of

your health and arrival here, by your neighbour Acres, was somewhat
damped by his dwelling much on the high spirits you had enjoyed in
Devonshire—on your mirth—your singing—dancing, and I know not what!
For such is my temper, Julia, that I should regard every mirthful moment in

44
your absence as a treason to constancy. The mutual tear that steals down
the cheek of parting lovers is a compact, that no smile shall live there till
they meet again.

JULIA

Must I never cease to tax my Faulkland with this teasing minute caprice?
Can the idle reports of a silly boor weigh in your breast against my tried
affections?

FAULKLAND

They have no weight with me, Julia: No, no—I am happy if you have been
so—yet only say, that you did not sing with mirth—say that you thought of
Faulkland in the dance.

JULIA

I never can be happy in your absence. If I wear a countenance of content, it

is to show that my mind holds no doubt of my Faulkland. Believe me,
Faulkland, I mean not to upbraid you, when I say, that I have often dressed
sorrow in smiles, lest my friends should guess whose unkindness had
caused my tears.

FAULKLAND

You were ever all goodness to me. Oh, I am a brute, when I but admit a
doubt of your true constancy!

JULIA

If ever without such cause from you, as I will not suppose possible, you
find my affections veering but a point, may I become a proverbial scoff for
levity and base ingratitude.

FAULKLAND

Ah! Julia, that last word is grating to me. I would I had no title to your
gratitude! Search your heart, Julia; perhaps what you have mistaken for
love, is but the warm effusion of a too thankful heart.

JULIA
For what quality must I love you?

45
FAULKLAND

For no quality! To regard me for any quality of mind or understanding,

were only to esteem me. And for person—I have often wished myself
deformed, to be convinced that I owed no obligation there for any part of
your affection.

JULIA

Where nature has bestowed a show of nice attention in the features of a

man, he should laugh at it as misplaced. I have seen men, who in this vain
article, perhaps, might rank above you; but my heart has never asked my
eyes if it were so or not.

FAULKLAND

Now this is not well from you, Julia—I despise person in a man—yet if you
loved me as I wish, you'd think none so fair.

JULIA

I see you are determined to be unkind! The contract which my father bound
us in gives you more than a lover's privilege.

FAULKLAND

Again, Julia, you raise ideas that feed and justify my doubts. How shall I be
sure, had you remained unbound in thought and promise, that I should still
have been the object of your persevering love?

JULIA

Then try me now. Let us be free as strangers as to what is past: my heart

will not feel more liberty!

FAULKLAND

There now! so hasty, Julia! So anxious to be free! If your love for me were
fixed and ardent, you would not lose your hold, even though I wished it!

JULIA
Oh! You torture me to the heart! I cannot bear it.

FAULKLAND

46
I do not mean to distress you. If I loved you less I should never give you an
uneasy moment. But hear me. All my fretful doubts arise from this. Women
are not used to weigh and separate the motives of their affections: the cold
dictates of prudence, gratitude, or filial duty, may sometimes be mistaken
for the pleadings of the heart.

JULIA

I know not whither your insinuations would tend:—but as they seem

pressing to insult me, I will spare you the regret of having done so.—I have
given you no cause for this!

[Exit in tears.]

FAULKLAND

In tears! Stay, Julia: stay but for a moment.—The door is fastened!—

Julia!—my soul—but for one moment!—I hear her sobbing!—'Sdeath!
what a brute am I to use her thus! Yet stay!—Ay—she is coming now:—
how little resolution there is in a woman!—how a few soft words can turn
them!—No, faith!—she is not coming either.—Why, Julia—my love—
say but that you forgive me—come but to tell me that—

Stay! she is coming—her going away must have been a mere trick then—
she shan't see that I was hurt by it.—I'll affect indifference—[Hums a
tune; then listens.] No—zounds! she's not coming!—nor don't intend it, I
suppose.—This is not steadiness, but obstinacy! Yet I deserve it.—What,
after so long an absence to quarrel with her tenderness!—'twas barbarous
and unmanly!—I should be ashamed to see her now.—I'll wait till her just
resentment is abated—and when I distress her so again, may I lose her
forever! [Exit.]

47
 Scene III—Mrs. MALAPROP's Lodgings. [Mrs. MALAPROP, with
a letter in her hand, and CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]

Mrs. MALAPROP

Your being Sir Anthony's son, Captain, would itself be a sufficient

accommodation; but from the ingenuity of your appearance, I am
convinced you deserve the character here given of you.

ABSOLUTE

Permit me to say, madam, that as I never yet have had the pleasure of
seeing Miss Languish, my principal inducement in this affair at present is
the honour of being allied to Mrs. Malaprop; of whose intellectual
accomplishments, elegant manners, and unaffected learning, no tongue is
silent.

Mrs. MALAPROP

Sir, you do me infinite honour! I beg, captain, you'll be seated.— [They sit.]
Ah! few gentlemen, now-a-days, know how to value the ineffectual
qualities in a woman! Men have no sense now but for the worthless flower
of beauty!

ABSOLUTE

It is but too true, indeed, ma'am;—yet I fear our ladies should share the
blame—they think our admiration of beauty so great, that knowledge in
them would be superfluous. Thus, like garden-trees, they seldom show
fruit, till time has robbed them of the more specious blossom.—Few, like
Mrs. Malaprop and the orange-tree, are rich in both at once!

Mrs. MALAPROP

Sir, you overpower me with good-breeding.—He is the very pine-apple of

politeness!—You are not ignorant, captain, that this giddy girl has
somehow contrived to fix her affections on a beggarly, eaves-dropping
ensign, whom none of us have seen, and nobody knows anything of.

ABSOLUTE

48
Oh, I have heard the silly affair before. —I'm not at all prejudiced against
her on that account.

Mrs. MALAPROP

You are very good and very considerate, captain. I am sure I have done
everything in my power since I exploded the affair; —I have since laid Sir
Anthony's preposition before her; but I am sorry to say, she seems resolved
to decline every particle that I enjoin her.

ABSOLUTE
It must be very distressing, indeed, ma'am.

Mrs. MALAPROP

Oh! It gives me the hydrostatics to such a degree. — I thought she had

persisted from corresponding with him; but behold, this very day, I have
interceded another letter from the fellow; I believe I have it in my pocket.

ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] Oh, the devil! My last note.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Ay, here it is.

ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] Ay, my note indeed! O the little traitress Lucy.

Mrs. MALAPROP
There, perhaps you may know the writing. [Gives him the letter.]

ABSOLUTE

I think I have seen the hand before—yes, I certainly must have seen this
hand before——

Mrs. MALAPROP
Nay, but read it, captain.

ABSOLUTE
[Reads.] My soul's idol, my adored Lydia!—Very tender, indeed!

Mrs. MALAPROP
Tender! Ay, and profane too, o' my conscience.

49
ABSOLUTE [Reads.]

I am excessively alarmed at the intelligence you send me, the more so as my

new rival——

Mrs. MALAPROP
That's you, sir.

ABSOLUTE [Reads.]
Has universally the character of being an accomplished gentleman and a
man of honour.—Well, that's handsome enough.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Oh, the fellow has some design in writing so.

ABSOLUTE
That he had, I'll answer for him, ma'am.

Mrs. MALAPROP
But go on, sir—you'll see presently.

ABSOLUTE [Reads.]

As for the she-dragon who guards you—Who can he mean by that?

Mrs. MALAPROP

Me, sir! Me!—He means me!—There—what do you think now?—but go

on a little further.

ABSOLUTE

Impudent scoundrel! —[Reads.] it shall go hard but I will elude her

vigilance, as I am told that the same ridiculous vanity, which makes her
deck her dull chat with words which she don't understand——

Mrs. MALAPROP

There, sir, an attack upon my language! What do you think of that? — An

aspersion upon my parts of speech! Aas ever such a brute! Sure, if I
reprehend anything in this world, it is the use of my oracular tongue, and a
nice derangement of epitaphs!

ABSOLUTE

50
He deserves to be hanged and quartered! let me see— [Reads.] same
ridiculous vanity——

Mrs. MALAPROP
You need not read it again, sir.

ABSOLUTE

I beg pardon, ma'am.—[Reads.] does also lay her open to deceptions of

flattery and pretended admiration—an impudent coxcomb!—so that I have a
scheme to see you shortly with the harridan's consent, and even to make her
a go-between in our interview.—Was ever such assurance!

Mrs. MALAPROP

Did you ever hear anything like it?—he'll elude my vigilance, will he—yes,
yes! ha! ha! he's very likely to enter these doors;—we'll try who can plot
best!

ABSOLUTE

So we will, ma'am—so we will! Ha! ha! ha! a conceited puppy, ha! ha!
ha!—Well, but Mrs. Malaprop, as the girl seems so infatuated by this
fellow, suppose you were to wink at her corresponding with him for a little
time—let her even plot an elopement with him—then do you connive at her
escape—while I, just in the nick, will have the fellow laid by the heels, and
fairly contrive to carry her off in his stead.

Mrs. MALAPROP
I am delighted with the scheme; never was anything better perpetrated!

ABSOLUTE

But, pray, could not I see the lady for a few minutes now? —I should like
to try her temper a little.

Mrs. MALAPROP

Why, I don't know— there is a decorum in these matters.

ABSOLUTE
O Lord! she won't mind me—only tell her Beverley——

Mrs. MALAPROP
Sir!
51
ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] Gently, good tongue.

Mrs. MALAPROP
What did you say of Beverley?

ABSOLUTE

Oh, I was going to propose that you should tell her, by way of jest, that it
was Beverley who was below; she'd come down fast enough then—ha! ha!
ha!

Mrs. MALAPROP

'Twould be a trick she well deserves. Lydia, come down here!—[Calling.]

He'll make me a go-between in their interviews!—ha! ha! ha! Come down,
I say, Lydia! I don't wonder at your laughing, ha! ha! ha! his impudence is
truly ridiculous.

ABSOLUTE
'Tis very ridiculous, upon my soul, ma'am, ha! ha! ha!

Mrs. MALAPROP
The little hussy won't hear. Well, I'll go and tell her at once who it is—she
shall know that Captain Absolute is come to wait on her.

ABSOLUTE
As you please, ma'am.

Mrs. MALAPROP

For the present, captain, your servant. Ah! you've not done laughing yet, I
see—elude my vigilance; yes, yes; ha! ha! ha! [Exit.]

ABSOLUTE

Ha! ha! ha! one would think now that I might throw off all disguise at once,
and seize my prize with security; but such is Lydia's caprice, that to
undeceive were probably to lose her. I'll see whether she knows me. [Walks
aside, and seems engaged in looking at the pictures.]

[Enter LYDIA.]

LYDIA

52
What a scene am I now to go through! surely nothing can be more dreadful
than to be obliged to listen to the loathsome addresses of a stranger to one's
heart. I have heard of girls persecuted as I am, who have appealed in behalf
of their favoured lover to the generosity of his rival—suppose I were to try
it— there stands the hated rival—an officer too!—but oh, how unlike my
Beverley! I wonder he don't begin—quite at his ease, upon my word!—I'll
speak first—Mr. Absolute.

ABSOLUTE
Ma'am. [Turns round.]

LYDIA
O heavens! Beverley!

ABSOLUTE
Hush;—hush, my life! softly! be not surprised!

LYDIA

I am so astonished! And so terrified! And so overjoyed!—For Heaven's

sake! how came you here?

ABSOLUTE

Briefly, I have deceived your aunt—I was informed that my new rival was
to visit here this evening, and contriving to have him kept away, have
passed myself on her for Captain Absolute.

LYDIA
O charming! And she really takes you for young Absolute?

ABSOLUTE
Oh, she's convinced of it.

LYDIA

Ha! ha! ha!

ABSOLUTE

But we trifle with our precious moments—such another opportunity may

not occur; then let me now conjure my angel, to fix the time when I may
rescue her from undeserving persecution.

53
LYDIA

Will you then, Beverley, consent to forfeit that portion of my paltry wealth?
— that burden on the wings of love?

ABSOLUTE

Oh, come to me—rich only thus—in loveliness! Bring no portion to me but

thy love—'twill be generous in you, Lydia—for well you know, it is the
only dower your poor Beverley can repay.

LYDIA [Aside.]

How persuasive are his words!—how charming will poverty be with him!

ABSOLUTE

Ah! my soul, what a life will we then live! Love shall be our idol and
support! We will worship him with a monastic strictness; abjuring all
worldly toys, to centre every thought and action there. Proud of calamity,
we will enjoy the wreck of wealth! By Heavens! I would fling all goods of
fortune from me with a prodigal hand, to enjoy the scene where I might
clasp my Lydia to my bosom, and say, the world affords no smile to me but
here—[Embracing her.] [Aside.] If she holds out now, the devil is in it!

LYDIA [Aside.]

Now could I fly with him to the Antipodes! but my persecution is not yet
come to a crisis.

[Re-enter Mrs. MALAPROP, listening.]

Mrs. MALAPROP
[Aside.] I am impatient to know how the little hussy deports herself.

ABSOLUTE
So pensive, Lydia!—is then your warmth abated?

Mrs. MALAPROP
[Aside.] Warmth abated!—so!—she has been in a passion, I suppose.

[Aside.] An ill tempered little devil! She'll be in a passion all her life—will
she?

54
LYDIA

Think not the idle threats of my ridiculous aunt can ever have any weight
with me.

Mrs. MALAPROP
[Aside.] Very dutiful, upon my word!

LYDIA
Let her choice be Captain Absolute, but Beverley is mine.

Mrs. MALAPROP [Aside.]

I am astonished at her assurance!—to his face—this is to his face!

ABSOLUTE
Thus then let me enforce my suit. [Kneeling.]

Mrs. MALAPROP [Aside.]

Ay, poor young man!—down on his knees entreating for pity!—I can
contain no longer.—[Coming forward.] Why, thou vixen!—I have
overheard you.

ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] Oh, confound her vigilance!

Mrs. MALAPROP

Captain Absolute, I know not how to apologize for her shocking rudeness.

ABSOLUTE

[Aside.] So all's safe, I find.—[Aloud.] I have hopes, madam, that time will
bring the young lady——

Mrs. MALAPROP
Oh, there's nothing to be hoped for from her!
she's as headstrong as an allegory on the banks of the Nile.

LYDIA
Nay, madam, what do you charge me with now?

Mrs. MALAPROP

55
Why, thou unblushing rebel—didn't you tell this gentleman to his face that
you loved another better?—didn't you say you never would be his?

LYDIA
No, madam—I did not.

Mrs. MALAPROP

Good heavens! What assurance!—Lydia, Lydia, you ought to know that

lying don't become a young woman!—Didn't you boast that Beverley, that
stroller Beverley, possessed your heart?—Tell me that, I say.

LYDIA
'Tis true, ma'am, and none but Beverley——

Mrs. MALAPROP
Hold!—hold! You shall not be so rude.

ABSOLUTE

Nay, pray, Mrs. Malaprop, don't stop the young lady's speech: she's very
welcome to talk thus—it does not hurt me in the least, I assure you.

Mrs. MALAPROP

You are too good, captain—too amiably patient— but come with me,
miss.—Let us see you again soon, captain— remember what we have fixed.

ABSOLUTE
I shall, ma'am.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Come, take a graceful leave of the gentleman.

LYDIA
May every blessing wait on my Beverley, my loved Bev——

Mrs. MALAPROP
Hussy! I'll choke the word in your throat!—come along—come along.

[Exeunt severally; CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE kissing his hand to LYDIA—Mrs.

MALAPROP stopping her from speaking.]

56
 Scene IV—ACRES' Lodgings. [ACRES, as just dressed, and
DAISY.]

ACRES
Indeed, Daisy—do you think I become it so?

DAISY

You are quite another creature, believe me, master!

ACRES
Dress does make a difference, Daisy.

DAISY
'Tis all in all, I think. —Difference! why, an' you were to go now to Clod-
Hall, I am certain Master Butler
wouldn't believe his own eyes, and Mrs. Pickle would cry, Lard presarve
me! And our dairy-maid would come giggling to the door.

ACRES
Ay, Daisy, there's nothing like polishing.

But, Daisy, has Mr. De-la-grace been here? I must rub up my balancing,
and chasing, and boring.

DAISY
I'll call again, sir.

ACRES
Do—and see if there are any letters for me at the post-office.

DAISY

I will.— [Exit.]

ACRES [Practicing a dancing-step.]

Sink, slide—coupee.—Confound the first inventors of cotillions! say I—

they are as bad as algebra to us country gentlemen—I can walk a minuet
easy enough when I am forced!—and I have been accounted a good stick in
a country dance.—Odds jigs and tabors! These outlandish heathen
allemandes and cotillions are quite beyond me!—I shall never prosper at
'em, that's sure—mine are true-born English legs—they don't understand

57
their curst French lingo!—their pas this, and pas that, and
past'other!—damn me! my feet don't like to be called paws!

[Enter DAISY.]

DAISY
Here is Sir Lucius O'Trigger to wait on you, sir.

ACRES
Show him in.

[Exit DAISY.]

[Enter Sir LUCIUS O'TRIGGER.]

Sir LUCIUS
Mr. Acres, I am delighted to embrace you.

ACRES
My dear Sir Lucius, I kiss your hands.

Sir LUCIUS
Pray, my friend, what has brought you so suddenly to Bath?

ACRES

Faith! I have followed Cupid's Jack-a-lantern, and find myself in a

quagmire at last.—In short, I have been very ill used, Sir Lucius.—I don't
choose to mention names, but look on me as on a very ill-used gentleman.

Sir LUCIUS
Pray what is the case?—I ask no names.

ACRES

Mark me, Sir Lucius, I fall as deep as need be in love with a young
lady—her friends take my part—I follow her to Bath—send word of my
arrival; and receive answer, that the lady is to be otherwise disposed
of.—This, Sir Lucius, I call being ill-used.

Sir LUCIUS
Very ill, upon my conscience.—Pray, can you divine the cause of it?

ACRES

58
Why, there's the matter; she has another lover, one Beverley, who, I am
told, is now in Bath.—Odds slanders and lies! He must be at the bottom of
it.

Sir LUCIUS

A rival in the case, is there?—and you think he has supplanted you

unfairly?

ACRES
Unfairly! To be sure he has. He never could have done it fairly.

Sir LUCIUS
Then sure you know what is to be done!

ACRES
Not I, upon my soul!

Sir LUCIUS
We wear no swords here, but you understand me.

ACRES
What! Fight him!

Sir LUCIUS
Ay, to be sure: what can I mean else?

ACRES
But he has given me no provocation.

Sir LUCIUS

Now, I think he has given you the greatest provocation in the world. Can a
man commit a more heinous offence against another than to fall in love
with the same woman? Oh, by my soul! it is the most unpardonable breach
of friendship.

ACRES
Breach of friendship! ay, ay; but I have no acquaintance with this man.
I never saw him in my life.

Sir LUCIUS

That's no argument at all—he has the less right then to take such a liberty.

59
ACRES

Gad, that's true—I grow full of anger, Sir Lucius!—Odds hilts and blades! I
find a man may have a deal of valour in him, and not know it! But couldn't
I contrive to have a little right of my side?

Sir LUCIUS

What the devil signifies right, when your honour is concerned?

ACRES

Odds flints, pans, and triggers! I'll challenge him directly.

Sir LUCIUS

Ah, my little friend, if I had Blunderbuss Hall here, I could show you a
range of ancestry, in the O'Trigger line, every one of whom had killed his
man!—For though the mansion-house and acres have slipped through my
fingers, I thank heaven our honour and the family pictures are as fresh as
ever.

ACRES

O, Sir Lucius! I have had ancestors too!—every man of them in the

militia!—Odds balls and barrels! Say no more—I'm braced for it. The
thunder of your words has soured the milk of human kindness in my breast;
—Zounds! as the man in the play says, I could do such deeds!

Sir LUCIUS

Come, come, there must be no passion at all in the case—these things

should always be done civilly.

ACRES

I must be in a passion, Sir Lucius—I must be in a rage.— Dear Sir Lucius,

let me be in a rage, if you love me. Come, here's pen and paper.—[Sits
down to write.] I would the ink were red!—How shall I begin? Odds bullets
and blades! I'll write a good bold hand, however.

Sir LUCIUS
Pray compose yourself. And like a Christian.

60
Begin now—Sir ——

ACRES
That's too civil by half.

Sir LUCIUS

To prevent the confusion that might arise——

ACRES
Well——

Sir LUCIUS

From our both addressing the same lady——

ACRES
Ay, there's the reason—same lady—well——

Sir LUCIUS

I shall expect the honour of your company——

ACRES
Zounds! I'm not asking him to dinner.

Sir LUCIUS
Pray be easy.

ACRES
Well, then, honour of your company—— Sir
LUCIUS To settle our pretensions Let me see,
ay, King's-Mead-Fields will do—in King's
Mead-Fields.
ACRES So, that's done—Well, I'll fold it up presently; my own crest—a
hand and dagger shall be the seal.

Sir LUCIUS

Now, I'll leave you to fix your own time.—Take my advice, and you'll
decide it this evening if you can; then let the worst come of it, 'twill be off
your mind to-morrow.

61
ACRES
Very true.

Sir LUCIUS

I would do myself the honour to carry your message; but, to tell you a
secret, I believe I shall have just such another affair on my own hands.
There is a gay captain here, who put a jest on me lately, at the expense of
my country, and I only want to fall in with the gentleman, to call him out.

ACRES

By my valour, I should like to see you fight first! Odds life! I should like to
see you kill him if it was only to get a little lesson.

Sir LUCIUS

I shall be very proud of instructing you.—but remember now, let your

courage be as keen, but at the same time as polished, as your sword.

[Exeunt severally.]

INTERMISSION

62
ACT IV

Scene I—ACRES' Lodgings. [ACRES and DAISY.]

DAISY
By the mass, sir! I would do no such thing—ne'er a Sir Lucius O'Trigger in
the kingdom should make me fight, when I wasn't so minded.

ACRES

Ah! Daisy, if you had heard Sir Lucius!—Odds sparks and flames! he
would have roused your valour.

DAISY

Not he, indeed. I hate such bloodthirsty cormorants. Look'ee, master, if you
wanted a bout at boxing or quarter staff, I should never be the girl to bid
you cry off: but for your curst sharps and snaps, I never knew any good
come of 'em.

ACRES
But my honour, Daisy, my honour! I must be very careful of my honour.

DAISY

Look'ee, master, this honour seems to me to be a marvellous false friend:

Put the case, I was a gentleman (which, thank God, no one can say of me;)
well—my honour makes me quarrel with another gentleman of my
acquaintance.—So—we fight. I kill him. Now, pray who gets the profit of
it?—Why, my honour. But put the case that he kills me!—by the mass! I go
to the worms, and my honour whips over to my enemy.

ACRES

No, Daisy—in that case, your honour follows you to the grave.

DAISY
Now, that's just the place where I could make a shift to do without it.

ACRES
Zounds! Daisy, you are a coward!—It doesn't become my valour to listen
to you.—What, shall I disgrace my ancestors?—Think of that, Daisy—
think what it would be to disgrace my ancestors!
63
DAISY

Under favour, the surest way of not disgracing them, is to keep as long as
you can out of their company. Look'ee now, master, to go to them in such
haste—with an ounce of lead in your brains—Our ancestors are very good
kind of folks; but they are the last people I should choose to have a visiting
acquaintance with.

ACRES

But, Daisy, now, you don't think there is such very, very, very great danger,
hey?

DAISY

By the mass, I think 'tis ten to one against you!

ACRES
Zounds! I won't be afraid!—Odds fire and fury! you shan't make me
afraid.—Here is the challenge, and I have sent for my dear friend Jack
Absolute to carry it for me.

I am determined to fight—so get along you coward, while I'm in the mind.

(Exit Daisy and re-enters right away)

DAISY
Captain Absolute is here, sir.

Good-bye, master.

[Exit DAISY.]

[Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]

ABSOLUTE
What's the matter, Bob?

ACRES

A vile, sheep-hearted blockhead! If I hadn't the valour of St. George and the
dragon to boot——

ABSOLUTE
But what did you want with me, Bob?
64
ACRES
Oh!—There—— [Gives him the challenge.]

ABSOLUTE [Aside.]

To Ensign Beverley.—So, what's going on now?—[Aloud.] Well, what's

this?

ACRES
A challenge!

ABSOLUTE
Indeed! Why, you won't fight him; will you, Bob?

ACRES

Egad, but I will, Jack. Sir Lucius has wrought me to it. He has left me full
of rage—and I'll fight this evening, that so much good passion mayn't be
wasted.

ABSOLUTE
But what have I to do with this?

ACRES

Why, as I think you know something of this fellow, I want you to find him
out for me, and give him this mortal defiance.

ABSOLUTE
Well, give it to me, and trust me he gets it.

ACRES

Thank you, my dear friend, my dear Jack; but it is giving you a great deal
of trouble.

ABSOLUTE
No trouble in the world,
I assure you.

ACRES

You are very kind.—What it is to have a friend!—You couldn't be my

second, could you, Jack?

65
ABSOLUTE
Why no, Bob—not in this affair—it would not be quite so proper.

ACRES

Well, then, I must get my friend Sir Lucius. I shall have your good wishes,
however, Jack?

ABSOLUTE
Whenever he meets you, believe me.

[Re-enter DAISY.]

DAISY
Sir Anthony Absolute is below, inquiring for the captain.

ABSOLUTE
I'll come instantly.—

[Exit DAISY.]

Well, my little hero, success attend you. [Going.]

ACRES
——Stay—stay, Jack.—If Beverley should ask you what kind of a man
your friend Acres is, do tell him I am a devil of a fellow—will you, Jack?

ABSOLUTE
To be sure I shall. I'll say you are a determined dog—hey, Bob!

ACRES

Ah, do, do—and if that frightens him, egad, perhaps he mayn't come. So
tell him I generally kill a man a week; will you, Jack?

ABSOLUTE
I will, I will; I'll say you are called in the country Fighting Bob.

ACRES

Right—right—'tis all to prevent mischief; for I don't want to take his life if
I clear my honour.

ABSOLUTE

66
No!—that's very kind of you.

ACRES
Why, you don't wish me to kill him—do you, Jack?

ABSOLUTE
No, upon my soul, I do not. But a devil of a fellow, hey? [Going.]

ACRES

True, true—but stay—stay, Jack—you may add, that you never saw me in
such a rage before—a most devouring rage!

ABSOLUTE
I will, I will.

ACRES
Remember, Jack—a determined dog!

ABSOLUTE
Ay, ay, Fighting Bob!

[Exeunt severally.]

67
 Scene II—Mrs. MALAPROP's Lodgings. [Mrs. MALAPROP and
LYDIA.]

Mrs. MALAPROP

Why, thou perverse one!—tell me what you can object to him? Isn't he a
handsome man?—tell me that. A genteel man? a pretty figure of a man?

LYDIA
[Aside.] She little thinks whom she is praising!—[Aloud.] So is Beverley,
ma'am.

Mrs. MALAPROP

No caparisons, miss, if you please. Caparisons don't become a young

woman. No! Captain Absolute is indeed a fine gentleman!

LYDIA
[Aside.] Ay, the Captain Absolute you have seen.

Mrs. MALAPROP

Then he's so well bred;—so full of alacrity, and adulation!—and has so

much to say for himself:—in such good language, too! His physiognomy so
grammatical! Then his presence is so noble! I protest, when I saw him, I
thought of what Hamlet says in the play:— "Hesperian curls—An eye, like
March, to threaten at command!— A station, like Harry Mercury,——"
Something about kissing—on a hill—however, the similitude struck me
directly.

LYDIA

[Aside.] How enraged she'll be presently, when she discovers her mistake!

[Enter LUCY.]

LUCY
Sir Anthony and Captain Absolute are below, ma'am.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Show them up here.—

[Exit LUCY.]
68
Now, Lydia, I insist on your behaving as becomes a young woman. Show
your good breeding, at least, though you have forgot your duty.

LYDIA

Madam, I have told you my resolution!—I shall not only give him no
encouragement, but I won't even speak to, or look at him. [Flings herself
into a chair, with her face from the door.]

[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE and CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]

Sir ANTHONY

Here we are, Mrs. Malaprop; I don't know what's the matter; but if I had not
held him by force, he'd have given me the slip.

Mrs. MALAPROP

You have infinite trouble, Sir Anthony, in the affair. I am ashamed for the
cause!—[Aside to LYDIA.] Lydia, Lydia, rise, I beseech you!—pay your
respects!

Sir ANTHONY

I hope, madam, that Miss Languish has reflected on the worth of this
gentleman, and the regard due to her aunt's choice, and my alliance.—
[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] Now, Jack, speak to her.

ABSOLUTE

[Aside.] What the devil shall I do!—[Aside to Sir ANTHONY.] You see, sir,
she won't even look at me whilst you are here. I knew she wouldn't! I told
you so. Let me entreat you, sir, to leave us together! [Seems to expostulate
with his father.]

LYDIA [Aside.]

I wonder I ha'n't heard my aunt exclaim yet! sure she can't have looked at
him!—

Sir ANTHONY
I say, sir, I won't stir a foot yet!

Mrs. MALAPROP

69
 I am sorry to say, Sir Anthony, that my affluence over my niece is very
small.—[Aside to LYDIA.] Turn round, Lydia:
I blush for you!

Sir ANTHONY

May I not flatter myself, that Miss Languish will assign what cause of
dislike she can have to my son!—[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] Why
don't you begin, Jack?—Speak, you puppy—speak!

Mrs. MALAPROP

It is impossible, Sir Anthony, she can have any. She will not say she
has.—[Aside to LYDIA.] Answer, hussy! why don't you answer?

Sir ANTHONY

Then, madam, I trust that a childish and hasty predilection will be no bar to
Jack's happiness.—[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] Zounds! sirrah! why
don't you speak?

LYDIA

[Aside.] I think my lover seems as little inclined to conversation as

myself.—How strangely blind my aunt must be!

ABSOLUTE

Hem! hem! madam—hem!—[Attempts to speak, then returns to Sir

ANTHONY.] Faith! sir, I am so confounded!—and— so—so—
confused!—I told you I should be so, sir—I knew it.—The— the—
tremor of my passion entirely takes away my presence of mind.

Sir ANTHONY

But it don't take away your voice, fool, does it?—Go up, and speak to her
directly!

[CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE makes signs to Mrs. MALAPROP to leave them

together.]

Mrs. MALAPROP

Sir Anthony, shall we leave them together?— [Aside to LYDIA.] Ah! you
stubborn little vixen!
70
Sir ANTHONY

Not yet, ma'am, not yet!—[Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] What the devil
are you at? unlock your jaws, sirrah, or——

ABSOLUTE

[Aside.] Now Heaven send she may be too sullen to look round!—I must
disguise my voice.—[Draws near LYDIA, and speaks in a low hoarse
tone.] Will not Miss Languish lend an ear to the mild accents of true love?
Will not——

Sir ANTHONY

What the devil ails the fellow? why don't you speak out?—not stand
croaking like a frog in a quinsy!

ABSOLUTE
The—the—excess of my awe, and my—my—my modesty, quite choke
me!

Sir ANTHONY

Ah! your modesty again!—I'll tell you what, Jack; if you don't speak out
directly, I shall be in such a rage!—Mrs. Malaprop, I wish the lady would
favour us with something more than a side-front.

[Mrs. MALAPROP seems to chide LYDIA.]

ABSOLUTE [Aside.] So all will out, I see!—[Goes up to LYDIA, speaks

softly.] Be not surprised, my Lydia, suppress all surprise at present.

LYDIA
[Aside.] Heavens! 'tis Beverley's voice! Sure he can't have imposed on
Sir Anthony too!—[Looks round by degrees, then starts up.] Is this
possible!—my Beverley!—how can this be?—my Beverley?

ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] Ah! 'tis all over.

Sir ANTHONY

Beverley!—the devil—Beverley!—What can the girl mean?—this is my

son, Jack Absolute.

71
Mrs. MALAPROP

For shame, hussy! for shame! your head runs so on that fellow, that you
have him always in your eyes!—beg Captain Absolute's pardon directly.

LYDIA
I see no Captain Absolute, but my loved Beverley!

Sir ANTHONY
Zounds! the girl's mad!—her brain's turned by reading.

Mrs. MALAPROP

O' my conscience, I believe so!—What do you mean by Beverley,

hussy?—You saw Captain Absolute before today; there he is—your
husband that shall be.

LYDIA
With all my soul, ma'am—when I refuse my Beverley——

Sir ANTHONY

Oh! she's as mad as Bedlam!—or has this fellow been playing us a rogue's
trick!—Come here, sirrah, who the devil are you?

ABSOLUTE

Faith, sir, I am not quite clear myself; but I'll endeavour to recollect.

Sir ANTHONY

Are you my son or not?—answer for your mother, you dog, if you won't for
me.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Ay, sir, who are you? O mercy! I begin to suspect!——

ABSOLUTE

[Aside.] Ye powers of impudence, befriend me!— [Aloud.] Sir Anthony,

most assuredly I am your wife's son: and that I sincerely believe myself to
be yours also, I hope my duty has always shown.—Mrs. Malaprop, I am
your most respectful admirer, and shall be proud to add affectionate
nephew.—I need not tell my Lydia, that she sees her faithful Beverley,

72
who, knowing the singular generosity of her temper, assumed that name
and station, which has proved a test of the most disinterested love, which he
now hopes to enjoy in a more elevated character.

LYDIA
[Sullenly.] So!—there will be no elopement after all!

Sir ANTHONY
Upon my soul, Jack, thou art a very impudent fellow! to do you justice,
I think I never saw a piece of more consummate assurance!

I am glad you are not the dull, insensible varlet you pretended to be! I'm
glad you have made a fool of your father, you dog—I am. So this was your
penitence, your duty and obedience!—You never heard their names before,
not you!—what, the Languishes of Worcestershire, hey?—if you could
please me in the affair—Ah! you dissembling villain!—What!—[Pointing
to Lydia] She squints, don't she?—a little red-haired girl!—hey?— Why,
you hypocritical young rascal!—I wonder you ain't ashamed to hold up your
head!

ABSOLUTE

'Tis with difficulty, sir.

Mrs. MALAPROP

O Lud! Sir Anthony!—a new light breaks in upon me!—hey!—how! what!

captain, did you write the letters then?— What—am I to thank you for the
elegant compilation of a she-dragon—hey!—O mercy!—was it you that
reflected on my parts of speech?

ABSOLUTE

Dear sir! my modesty will be overpowered at last, if you don't assist me—I
shall certainly not be able to stand it!

Sir ANTHONY

Come, come, Mrs. Malaprop, we must forget and forgive;—odds life!

matters have taken so clever a turn all of a sudden, Mrs. Malaprop!

Mrs. MALAPROP

73
Well, Sir Anthony, since you desire it, we will not anticipate the past!—our
retrospection will be all to the future.

Sir ANTHONY

Come, we must leave them together; Mrs. Malaprop, they long to fly into
each other's arms, I warrant!—Jack—isn't the cheek as I said, hey?— and
the eye, you rogue!—and the lip—hey? Come, Mrs. Malaprop, we'll not
disturb their tenderness—theirs is the time of life for happiness!—Youth's
the season made for joy— [Sings.]—hey!—Odds life! I'm in such spirits,—
I don't know what I could not do!—Permit me, ma'am—[Gives his hand to
Mrs. MALAPROP.] Tol-de-rol—'gad, I should like to have a little fooling
myself—Tol-de-rol! de-rol.

[Exit, singing and handing Mrs. MALAPROP.—LYDIA sits

sullenly in her chair.]

ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] So much thought bodes me no good.—[Aloud.] So grave, Lydia!

LYDIA
Sir!

ABSOLUTE

[Aside.] So!—egad! I thought as much!—that damned monosyllable has

froze me!—[Aloud.] What, Lydia, now that we are as happy in our friends'
consent, as in our mutual vows——

LYDIA
Friends' consent indeed!

ABSOLUTE

Come, come, we must lay aside some of our romance—a little wealth and
comfort may be endured after all. And for your fortune, the lawyers shall
make such settlements as——

LYDIA
Lawyers! I hate lawyers!

ABSOLUTE

74
Nay, then, we will not wait for their lingering forms, but instantly procure
the licence, and——

LYDIA
The licence!—I hate licence!

ABSOLUTE
Oh my love! be not so unkind!—thus let me entreat—— [Kneeling.]

LYDIA
Pshaw!—what signifies kneeling, when you know I must have you?

ABSOLUTE

[Rising.] Nay, madam, there shall be no constraint upon your inclinations, I

promise you.—If I have lost your heart—I resign the rest—[Aside.] 'Gad, I
must try what a little spirit will do.

LYDIA [Rising.]

Then, sir, let me tell you, the interest you had there was acquired by an
unmanly imposition, and deserves the punishment of fraud.—What, you
have been treating me like a child!—humouring my romance! and
laughing, I suppose, at your success!

ABSOLUTE
You wrong me, Lydia, you wrong me—only hear——

LYDIA

So, while I fondly imagined we were deceiving my relations, and flattered

myself that I should outwit and incense them all— behold my hopes are to
be crushed at once, by my aunt's consent and approbation—and I am
myself the only dupe at last!—[Walking about in a heat.] But here, sir, here
is the picture—Beverley's picture! [taking a miniature from her bosom]
which I have worn, night and day, in spite of threats and entreaties!—
There, sir [Flings it to him.]; and be assured I throw the original from my
heart as easily.

ABSOLUTE

Nay, nay, ma'am, we will not differ as to that.—Here [taking out a picture],
here is Miss Lydia Languish.—What a difference!—ay, those are the lips

75
which sealed a vow. Well, all that's past!—all over indeed!—There,
madam—in beauty, that copy is not equal to you, but in my mind its merit
over the original, in being still the same, is such—that—I cannot find in my
heart to part with it. [Puts it up again.]

LYDIA [

Softening.] 'Tis your own doing, sir—I, I, I suppose you are perfectly
satisfied.

ABSOLUTE

O, most certainly—sure, now, this is much better than being in love!—ha!

ha! ha!—there's some spirit in this!—What signifies breaking some scores
of solemn promises: To be sure people will say, that miss don't know her
own mind—but never mind that! Or, perhaps, they may be ill-natured
enough to hint, that the gentleman grew tired of the lady and forsook
her—but don't let that fret you.

LYDIA
There is no bearing his insolence. [Bursts into tears.]

[Re-enter Mrs. MALAPROP and Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.]

Mrs. MALAPROP
Come, we must interrupt your billing and cooing awhile.

LYDIA
This is worse than your treachery and deceit, you base ingrate! [Sobbing.]

Sir ANTHONY

What the devil's the matter now? Zounds! what the deuce is the meaning of
it?

ABSOLUTE
Ask the lady, sir.

Mrs. MALAPROP

O mercy!—I'm quite analyzed, for my part!—Why, Lydia, what is the

reason of this?

LYDIA

76
Ask the gentleman, ma'am.

Sir ANTHONY

Zounds! I shall be in a frenzy!—Why, Jack, you are not come out to be

anyone else, are you?

ABSOLUTE

I say the lady can account for this much better than I can.

LYDIA

Ma'am, you once commanded me never to think of Beverley again—there

is the man—I now obey you: for, from this moment, I renounce him
forever. [Exits.]

Mrs. MALAPROP

O mercy! and miracles! Sure, captain, you haven't behaved disrespectfully

to my niece.

Sir ANTHONY

Ha! ha! ha!—ha! ha! ha!—now I see it. Ha! ha! ha!— now I see it—you
have been too lively, Jack. The blood of the Absolutes was always
impatient.—Ha! ha! ha! poor little Lydia! why, you've frightened her, you
dog, you have.

ABSOLUTE
By all that's good, sir——

Sir ANTHONY

Zounds! say no more, I tell you—Mrs. Malaprop shall make your peace.
You must make his peace, Mrs. Malaprop:—you must tell her 'tis Jack's
way—tell her 'tis all our ways— Come away, Jack— [Pushing him out.]

Mrs. MALAPROP
O! Sir Anthony!—O fie, captain!

[Exeunt severally.]

77
 Scene III—The North Parade. [Enter Sir LUCIUS
O'TRIGGER.]

Sir LUCIUS

I wonder where this Captain Absolute hides himself! Upon my conscience!

these officers are always in one's way in love affairs:—I remember I might
have married Lady Dorothy Carmine, if it had not been for a little rogue of
a major, who ran away with her before she could get a sight of me! Ha! isn't
this the captain coming?—faith it is!— Who the devil is he talking to?
[Steps aside.]

[Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]

ABSOLUTE

[Aside.] To what fine purpose I have been plotting! a noble reward for all
my schemes, upon my soul! 'Sdeath, I never was in a worse humour in my
life!

Sir LUCIUS

Oh, faith! I'm in the luck of it. I never could have found him in a sweeter
temper for my purpose—to be sure I'm just come in the nick! Now to enter
into conversation with him, and so quarrel genteelly.—[Goes up to
CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] With regard to that matter, captain, I must beg
leave to differ in opinion with you.

ABSOLUTE
Upon my word, then, you must be a very subtle disputant:— because, sir,
I happened just then to be giving no opinion at all.

Sir LUCIUS

That's no reason. For give me leave to tell you, a man may think an untruth
as well as speak one.

ABSOLUTE

Very true, sir; but if a man never utters his thoughts, I should think they
might stand a chance of escaping controversy.

78
Sir LUCIUS

Then, sir, you differ in opinion with me, which amounts to the same thing.

ABSOLUTE

Hark'ee, Sir Lucius; if I had not before known you to be a gentleman, upon
my soul, I should not have discovered it at this interview: for what you can
drive at, unless you mean to quarrel with me, I cannot conceive!

Sir LUCIUS

I humbly thank you, sir, for the quickness of your apprehension.—

[Bowing.] You have named the very thing I would be at.

ABSOLUTE

Very well, sir; I shall certainly not balk your inclinations.—But I should be
glad you would please to explain your motives.

Sir LUCIUS

Sir, your memory is very short, or you could not have forgot an affront you
passed on me within this week. So, no more, but name your time and place.

ABSOLUTE

Well, sir, since you are so bent on it, the sooner the better; let it be this
evening—here, by the Spring Gardens. We shall scarcely be interrupted.

Sir LUCIUS

If it's the same to you, captain, I should take it as a particular kindness if

you'd let us meet in King's-Mead-Fields, as a little business will call me
there about six o'clock, and I may dispatch both matters at once.

ABSOLUTE '

Tis the same to me exactly. A little after six, then, we will discuss this
matter more seriously.

Sir LUCIUS

79
If you please, sir; there will be very pretty small sword light, though it
won't do for a long shot. So that matter's settled, and my mind's at ease!
[Exit.]

[Enter FAULKLAND.]

ABSOLUTE

Well met! I was going to look for you. O Faulkland! all the demons of spite
and disappointment have conspired against me!

FAULKLAND

What can you mean?—Has Lydia changed her mind?— I should have
thought her duty and inclination would now have pointed to the same
object.

ABSOLUTE

Ay, just as the eyes do of a person who squints: when her love-eye was
fixed on me, t'other, her eye of duty, was finely obliqued: but when duty
bid her point that the same way, off t'other turned on a swivel, and secured
its retreat with a frown! And, to wind up the whole, a good-natured
Irishman here has—[Mimicking Sir LUCIUS] begged leave to have the
pleasure of cutting my throat; and I mean to indulge him—that's all.

FAULKLAND
Prithee, be serious!

ABSOLUTE '

Tis fact, upon my soul! Sir Lucius O'Trigger—you know him by sight—for
some affront, which I am sure I never intended, has obliged me to meet him
this evening at six o'clock: 'tis on that account I wished to see you; you
must go with me.

FAULKLAND

Nay, there must be some mistake, sure. Sir Lucius shall explain himself, and
I dare say matters may be accommodated. But this evening did you say? I
wish it had been any other time. I am myself a good deal ruffled by a
difference I have had with Julia. My vile tormenting temper has made me
treat her so cruelly, that I shall not be myself till we are reconciled.

80
ABSOLUTE
By heavens! Faulkland, you don't deserve her!

[Enter THOMAS, gives FAULKLAND a letter, and exits.]

FAULKLAND

Oh, Jack! this is from Julia. I dread to open it! I fear it may be to take a last
leave! Oh, how I suffer for my folly!

ABSOLUTE

Here, let me see.—[Takes the letter and opens it.] Ay, a final sentence,
indeed!—'tis all over with you, faith!

FAULKLAND
Nay, Jack, don't keep me in suspense!

ABSOLUTE

Here then—[Reads.] As I am convinced that my dear Faulkland's own

reflections have already upbraided him for his last unkindness to me, I will
not add a word on the subject. I wish to speak with you as soon as possible.
Yours ever and truly, Julia. There's stubbornness and resentment for
you!—[Gives him the letter.] Why, man, you don't seem one whit the
happier at this!

FAULKLAND
O yes, I am; but—but——

ABSOLUTE

Confound your buts! you never hear anything that would make another man
bless himself, but you immediately damn it with a but!

FAULKLAND

Now, Jack, as you are my friend, own honestly—don't you think there is
something forward, something indelicate, in this haste to forgive? Women
should never sue for reconciliation: that should always come from us. They
should retain their coldness till wooed to kindness.

ABSOLUTE

81
I have not patience to listen to you! Thou'rt incorrigible! so say no more on
the subject. Let me see you before six, remember, at my lodgings. A poor
industrious devil like me, who has toiled, and drudged, and plotted to gain
my ends, and am at last disappointed by other people's folly, may in pity be
allowed to swear and grumble a little; but a captious sceptic in love, a slave
to fretfulness and whim, who has no difficulties but of his own creating, is
a subject more fit for ridicule than compassion! [Exit.]

FAULKLAND

I feel his reproaches; yet I would not change this too exquisite nicety for the
gross content with which he tramples on the thorns of love! His engaging
me in this duel has started an idea in my head, which I will instantly pursue.
I'll use it as the touchstone of Julia's sincerity. If her love proves pure and
sterling ore, my name will rest on it with honour; and once I've stamped it
there, I lay aside my doubts forever!

[Exit.]

82
ACT V

Scene I—JULIA's Dressing-Room. [JULIA discovered alone.]

JULIA

How this message has alarmed me! what dreadful accident can he mean?
why such charge to be alone?—O Faulkland!—how many unhappy
moments—how many tears have you cost me.

[Enter FAULKLAND.]

JULIA
What means this?—why this caution, Faulkland?

FAULKLAND
Alas! Julia, I am come to take a long farewell.

JULIA
Heavens! what do you mean?

FAULKLAND

You see before you a wretch, whose life is forfeited. Nay, start not! — The
infirmity of my temper has drawn all this misery on me.—an untoward
accident drew me into a quarrel—the event is, that I must fly this kingdom
instantly. O Julia, had I been so fortunate as to have called you mine
entirely, before this mischance had fallen on me, I should not so deeply
dread my banishment!

JULIA

My soul is oppressed with sorrow at the nature of your misfortune: had

these adverse circumstances arisen from a less fatal cause, I should have
felt strong comfort in the thought that I could now chase from your bosom
every doubt of the warm sincerity of my love. My heart has long known no
other guardian—I now entrust my person to your honour—we will fly
together. When safe from pursuit, my father's will may be fulfilled—and I
receive a legal claim to be the partner of your sorrows, and tenderest
comforter. Then on the bosom of your wedded Julia, you may lull your
keen regret to slumbering.

FAULKLAND
83
O Julia! I am bankrupt in gratitude! but the time is so pressing, it calls on
you for so hasty a resolution.—Would you not wish some hours to weigh
the advantages you forego, and what little compensation poor Faulkland
can make you beside his solitary love?

JULIA

I ask not a moment. No, Faulkland, I have loved you for yourself: and if I
now, more than ever, prize the solemn engagement which so long has
pledged us to each other, it is because it leaves no room for hard aspersions
on my fame, and puts the seal of duty to an act of love. But let us not linger.
Perhaps this delay——

FAULKLAND

'Twill be better I should not venture out again till dark. Yet am I grieved to
think what numberless distresses will press heavy on your gentle
disposition!

JULIA

Perhaps your fortune may be forfeited by this unhappy act.—I know not
whether 'tis so; but sure that alone can never make us unhappy. The little I
have will be sufficient to support us; and exile never should be splendid.

FAULKLAND

Ay, but in such an abject state of life, my wounded pride perhaps may
increase the natural fretfulness of my temper, till I become a rude, morose
companion, beyond your patience to endure.

JULIA

If your thoughts should assume so unhappy a bent, you will the more want
some mild and affectionate spirit to watch over and console you: one who,
by bearing your infirmities with gentleness and resignation, may teach you
so to bear the evils of your fortune.

FAULKLAND

Julia, I have proved you to the quick! and with this useless device I throw
away all my doubts. How shall I plead to be forgiven this last unworthy
effect of my restless, unsatisfied disposition?

84
JULIA
Has no such disaster happened as you related?

FAULKLAND

I am ashamed to own that it was pretended; yet in pity, Julia, do not kill me
with resenting a fault which never can be repeated: but sealing, this once,
my pardon, let me to-morrow, in the face of Heaven, receive my future
guide, and expiate my past folly by years of tender adoration.

JULIA

Hold, Faulkland!—that you are free from a crime, which I before feared to
name, Heaven knows how sincerely I rejoice! But that your cruel doubts
should have urged you to an imposition that has wrung my heart, gives me
now a pang more keen than I can express!

FAULKLAND
By Heavens! Julia——

JULIA

Yet hear me,—My father loved you, Faulkland! and you preserved the life
that tender parent gave me; in his presence I pledged my hand—joyfully
pledged it—where before I had given my heart. When, soon after, I lost that
parent, it seemed to me that Providence had, in Faulkland, shown me
whither to transfer without a pause, my grateful duty, as well as my
affection. I will not upbraid you, by repeating how you have trifled with
my sincerity ——

FAULKLAND
I confess it all! yet hear——

JULIA

I now see it is not in your nature to be content or confident in love. With

this conviction—I never will be yours. I had hopes that my unreproaching
kindness, might in time reform your temper, but I will not furnish you with
a licensed power to keep alive an incorrigible fault, at the expense of one
who never would contend with you.

FAULKLAND
Nay, but, Julia, by my soul and honour, if after this——

85
JULIA

But one word more.—As my faith has once been given to you, I never will
barter it with another.—I shall pray for your happiness with the truest
sincerity; and the dearest blessing I can ask of Heaven to send you will be
to charm you from that unhappy temper, which alone has prevented the
performance of our solemn engagement. All I request of you is, that you
will yourself reflect upon this infirmity, and when you number up the many
true delights it has deprived you of, let it not be your least regret, that it lost
you the love of one who would have followed you in beggary through the
world! [Exit.]

FAULKLAND

She's gone—forever!—There was an awful resolution in her manner, that

riveted me to my place.—O fool!—dolt!—barbarian! Cursed as I am, with
more imperfections than my fellow wretches, kind Fortune sent a heaven-
gifted cherub to my aid, and, like a ruffian, I have driven her from my
side!—I must now haste to my appointment. O Love!—tormentor!— fiend!

[Enter LYDIA and MAID.]

THOMAS

My mistress, ma'am, I know, was here just now—perhaps she is only in the
next room. [Exits.]

LYDIA

Heigh-ho! Though he has used me so, this fellow runs strangely in my

head. I believe one lecture from my grave cousin will make me recall him.

[Re-enter JULIA.]

O Julia, I am come to you with such an appetite for consolation.— Lud!

child, what's the matter with you? You have been crying!—I'll be hanged if
that Faulkland has not been tormenting you.

JULIA
You mistake the cause of my uneasiness!—Something has flurried me a
little. Nothing that you can guess at.—[Aside.] I would not accuse Faulkland
to a sister!

86
LYDIA

Ah! whatever vexations you may have, I can assure you mine surpass them.
You know who Beverley proves to be?

JULIA

I will now own to you, Lydia, that Mr. Faulkland had before informed me
of the whole affair. Had young Absolute been the person you took him for,
I should not have accepted your confidence on the subject, without a
serious endeavour to counteract your caprice.

LYDIA

So, then, I see I have been deceived by everyone! But I don't care—I'll
never have him.

JULIA
Nay, Lydia——

LYDIA

Why, is it not provoking? When I thought we were coming to the prettiest

distress imaginable! There, had I projected one of the most sentimental
elopements!—so becoming a disguise!—so amiable a ladder of ropes!—
Conscious moon—four horses—Scotch parson— with such surprise to Mrs.
Malaprop—and such paragraphs in the newspapers!—Oh, I shall die with
disappointment!

JULIA
I don't wonder at it!

LYDIA

Now—sad reverse! —what have I to expect, but, after a deal of flimsy

preparation and my aunt's blessing, to go simpering up to the altar; and
have an unmannerly fat clerk ask the consent of every butcher in the parish
to join John Absolute and Lydia Languish, spinster! Oh, that I should live
to hear myself called spinster!

JULIA
Melancholy indeed!

LYDIA

87
How mortifying, to remember the dear delicious shifts I used to be put to,
to gain half a minute's conversation with this fellow! How often have I stole
forth, in the coldest night in January, and found him in the garden, stuck
like a dripping statue! There would he kneel to me in the snow, and sneeze
and cough so pathetically! he shivering with cold and I with apprehension!
and while the freezing blast numbed our joints, how warmly would he press
me to pity his flame, and glow with mutual ardour!—Ah, Julia, that was
something like being in love.

JULIA

If I were in spirits, Lydia, I should chide you only by laughing heartily at

you; but it suits more the situation of my mind, at present, earnestly to
entreat you not to let a man, who loves you with sincerity, suffer that
unhappiness from your caprice, which I know too well caprice can inflict.

[Enter Mrs. MALAPROP, STICK, and DAISY.]

LYDIA
O Lud! what has brought my aunt here?

Mrs. MALAPROP So! so! here's fine work!—here's fine suicide, parricide,
and simulation, going on in the fields! and Sir Anthony not to be found to
prevent the antistrophe!

JULIA
For Heaven's sake, madam, what's the meaning of this?

Mrs. MALAPROP
That person can tell you—'twas she enveloped the affair to me.

LYDIA
[To STICK.] Do, miss, will you, inform us?

STICK Ma'am, I should hold myself very deficient if I delayed a moment to

give all the information in my power to a lady so deeply interested in the
affair as you are.

LYDIA
But quick! quick!

88
STICK True, ma'am, as you say, one should be quick in divulging matters
of this nature; for should we be tedious, perhaps while we are flourishing
on the subject, two or three lives may be lost!

LYDIA
O patience!—Do, miss, for Heaven's sake! tell us what is the matter?

Mrs. MALAPROP Why, murder's the matter! slaughter's the matter!

killing's the matter!—but she can tell you the perpendiculars.

LYDIA
Then, prithee, be brief.

STICK Why, then, ma'am, as to murder—I cannot take upon me to say—

and as to slaughter, or manslaughter, that will be as the jury finds it.

LYDIA
But who—who are engaged in this?

STICK
My master, ma'am—my master—I speak of my master.

LYDIA
Heavens! What, Captain Absolute!

Mrs. MALAPROP
Oh, to be sure, you are frightened now!

JULIA
But who are with him, sir?

STICK
As to the rest, ma'am, this young woman can inform you better than
I.

JULIA
[To DAISY.] Do speak, friend.

DAISY Look'ee, my lady—by the mass! there's mischief going on.

JULIA
But who is there beside Captain Absolute, friend?

DAISY

89
My poor master—under favour for mentioning him first. You know me, my
lady—I am Daisy—and my master of course is, or was, Squire

Acres.
Then comes Squire Faulkland.

JULIA
Do, ma'am, let us instantly endeavour to prevent mischief.

Mrs. MALAPROP O fie! it would be very inelegant in us:—we should only

participate things.

DAISY
Ah! do, Mrs. Aunt, save a few lives—they are desperately given, believe
me.—Above all, there is that bloodthirsty Philistine, Sir Lucius O'Trigger.

Mrs. MALAPROP
Sir Lucius O'Trigger? O mercy! have they drawn poor little dear Sir
Lucius into the scrape?

LYDIA
What are we to do, madam?

Mrs. MALAPROP Why, fly with the utmost felicity, to be sure, to prevent
mischief!—Here, friend, you can show us the place?

STICK
If you please, ma'am, I will conduct you.—Daisy, do you look for Sir
Anthony.

[Exit DAISY.]

Mrs. MALAPROP Come, girls! this young woman will exhort us.—Come,
you're our envoy—lead the way, and we'll precede.

STICK
Not a step before the ladies for the world!

Mrs. MALAPROP
You're sure you know the spot?

STICK I think I can find it, ma'am; and one good thing is, we shall hear the
report of the pistols as we draw near, so we can't well miss them;—never
fear, ma'am, never fear.
90
[Exeunt, she talking.]

Scene II—The South Parade. [Enter CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE, putting

his sword under his great coat.]

ABSOLUTE A sword seen in the streets of Bath would raise as great an

alarm as a mad dog.—How provoking this is in Faulkland!— never
punctual! I shall be obliged to go without him at last.—Oh, the devil! here's
Sir Anthony! how shall I escape him? [Muffles up his face, and takes a
circle to go off.]

[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE.]

Sir ANTHONY How one may be deceived at a little distance! Only that I
see he don't know me, I could have sworn that was Jack!— Hey! Gad's life!
it is.—Why, Jack, what are you afraid of? Jack, Jack Absolute! [Goes up to
him.]

ABSOLUTE Really, sir, you have the advantage of me:—I don't remember
ever to have had the honour—my name is Saunderson, at your service.

Sir ANTHONY
Sir, I beg your pardon—I took you—hey?—why, zounds! it is—
Stay—[Looks up to his face.] So, so—your humble servant, Mr.
Saunderson! Why, you scoundrel, what tricks are you after now?

ABSOLUTE
Oh, a joke, sir, a joke! I came here on purpose to look for you, sir.

Sir ANTHONY You did! well, I am glad you were so lucky:—but what are
you muffled up so for?—what's this for?—hey!

ABSOLUTE 'Tis cool, sir, isn't it?—rather chilly somehow:—but I shall be

late—I have a particular engagement.

Sir ANTHONY Stay!—Pray, Jack, where is't you are going?

ABSOLUTE
Going, sir?

Sir ANTHONY
Ay, where are you going?

91
ABSOLUTE
Where am I going?

Sir ANTHONY
You unmannerly puppy!

ABSOLUTE I was going, sir, to—to—to—to Lydia—sir, to Lydia—to

make matters up if I could;—and I was looking for you, sir, to—to— —

Sir ANTHONY
To go with you, I suppose.—Well, come along.

ABSOLUTE Oh! zounds! no, sir, not for the world!—I wished to meet with
you, sir,—to—to—to—You find it cool, I'm sure, sir— you'd better not
stay out.

Sir ANTHONY
Cool!—not at all.—Well, Jack—and what will you say to Lydia?

ABSOLUTE Oh, sir, beg her pardon, humour her—promise and vow:
but I detain you, sir—consider the cold air on your gout.

Sir ANTHONY
Oh, not at all!—Not at all! I'm in no hurry.—Ah! Jack, you youngsters,
when once you are wounded here [Putting his hand to CAPTAIN
ABSOLUTE's breast.] Hey! what the deuce have you got here?

ABSOLUTE
Nothing, sir—nothing.

Sir ANTHONY
What's this?—here's something damned hard.

ABSOLUTE
Oh, trinkets, sir! Trinkets!—a bauble for Lydia!

Sir ANTHONY
Nay, let me see your taste.—[Pulls his coat open, the sword falls.]
Trinkets!—a bauble for Lydia!—Zounds! sirrah, you are not going to cut
her throat, are you?

ABSOLUTE

92
Ha! ha! ha!—I thought it would divert you, sir, though I didn't mean to tell
you till afterwards.

Sir ANTHONY
You didn't?—Yes, this is a very diverting trinket, truly!

ABSOLUTE

Sir, I'll explain to you.—You know, sir, Lydia is romantic, devilish

romantic, and very absurd of course: now, sir, I intend, if she refuses to
forgive me, to unsheathe this sword, and swear—I'll fall upon its point, and
expire at her feet!

Sir ANTHONY

Fall upon a fiddlestick's end!—why, I suppose it is the very thing that

would please her.—Get along, you fool!

ABSOLUTE
Well, sir, you shall hear of my success—you shall hear.—O
Lydia!—forgive me, or this pointed steel—says I.

Sir ANTHONY

O, booby! stay away and welcome—says she.—Get along! and damn your
trinkets!

[Exit CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]

[Enter DAISY, running.]

DAISY
Stop him! stop him! Murder! Thief! Fire! —O Sir Anthony—call! call! bid
'm stop! Murder! Fire!

Sir ANTHONY
Fire! Murder!—Where?

DAISY
Oons! he's out of sight! and I'm out of breath! for my part! O Sir Anthony,
why didn't you stop him? why didn't you stop him?

Sir ANTHONY
Zounds! the woman’s mad!—Stop whom? stop Jack?

93
DAISY
Ay, the captain, sir!—there's murder and slaughter——

Sir ANTHONY Murder!

DAISY

Ay, please you, Sir Anthony, there's fighting going on, sir—bloody sword-
and-gun fighting!

Sir ANTHONY
Who are going to fight?

DAISY

Everybody that I know of, Sir Anthony:—everybody is going to fight, my

poor master, Sir Lucius O'Trigger, your son, the captain—

SIR ANTHONY

Do you know the place?

DAISY
King's-Mead-Fields.

Sir ANTHONY

Come along—we'll get assistance as we go—the lying villain!—Well, I

shall be in such a frenzy!—So—this was the history of his trinkets! I'll
bauble him!

[Exeunt.]

94
 Scene III—King's-Mead-Fields. [

Enter Sir LUCIUS O'TRIGGER and ACRES, with pistols.]

ACRES

By my valour! then, Sir Lucius, forty yards is a good distance. I say it is a

good distance.

Sir LUCIUS

Is it for muskets or small field-pieces? Upon my conscience, Mr. Acres,

you must leave those things to me.—Stay now—I'll show you.—[Measures
paces along the stage.] There now, that is a very pretty distance—a pretty
gentleman's distance.

ACRES

Zounds! we might as well fight in a sentry-box! I tell you, Sir Lucius, the
farther he is off, the cooler I shall take my aim.

Sir LUCIUS

Faith! then I suppose you would aim at him best of all if he was out of
sight! But tell me now, Mr.. Acres, in case of an accident, is there any little
will or commission I could execute for you?

ACRES
I am much obliged to you, Sir Lucius—but I don't understand——

Sir LUCIUS

Why, you may think there's no being shot at without a little risk—and if an
unlucky bullet should carry a quietus with it—I say it will be no time then
to be bothering you about family matters.

ACRES
A quietus!

Sir LUCIUS

95
For instance, now—if that should be the case—would you choose to be
pickled and sent home?—or would it be the same to you to lie here in the
Abbey? I'm told there is very snug lying in the Abbey.

ACRES
Pickled!—Snug lying in the Abbey!—Odds tremors! Sir
Lucius, don't talk so!

Sir LUCIUS

I suppose, Mr. Acres, you never were engaged in an affair of this kind
before?

ACRES
No, Sir Lucius, never before.

Sir LUCIUS

Ah! that's a pity!—there's nothing like being used to a thing.—Pray now,

how would you receive the gentleman's shot?

ACRES

Odds files!—I've practiced that—there, Sir Lucius—there. [Puts himself in

an attitude.] A side-front, hey? Odd! I'll make myself small enough: I'll
stand edgeways.

Sir LUCIUS
Now—you're quite out—for if you stand so when I take my aim——
[Levelling at him.]

ACRES
Zounds! Sir Lucius—are you sure it is not cocked?

Sir LUCIUS

Never fear.

ACRES
But—but—you don't know—it may go off of its own head!

Sir LUCIUS

96
Pho! be easy.—Well, now if I hit you in the body, my bullet has a double
chance—for if it misses a vital part of your right side, 'twill be very hard if
it don't succeed on the left!

ACRES
A vital part!

Sir LUCIUS

But, there—fix yourself so—[Placing him]—let him see the broad-side of

your full front—there—now a ball or two may pass clean through your
body, and never do any harm at all.

ACRES
Clean through me!—a ball or two clean through me!

Look'ee! Sir Lucius—I'd just as lieve be shot in an awkward posture as a

genteel one; so, by my valour! I will stand edgeways.

Sir LUCIUS

[Looking at his watch.] Sure they don't mean to disappoint us—Hah!—no,

faith—I think I see them coming.

ACRES
Well—let them come—hey, Sir Lucius!—we—we—we—we—won't run.

Sir LUCIUS Run!

ACRES
No—I say—we won't run, by my valour!

Sir LUCIUS
What the devil's the matter with you?

ACRES

Nothing—nothing—my dear friend—my dear Sir Lucius—but I—I—I

don't feel quite so bold, somehow, as I did.

Sir LUCIUS
O fie!—consider your honour.

ACRES

97
Ay—true—my honour. Do, Sir Lucius, edge in a word or two every now
and then about my honour.

Sir LUCIUS
[Looking.] Well, here they're coming.

ACRES

Sir Lucius—if I wa'n't with you, I should almost think I was

afraid!—Valour will come and go.

Sir LUCIUS
Then pray keep it fast, while you have it.

ACRES

Sir Lucius— it is going—yes—my valour is certainly going!—it is

sneaking off!—I feel it oozing out as it were at the palms of my hands!

Sir LUCIUS
Your honour—your honour.—Here they are.

ACRES

O mercy!—now—that I was safe at Clod-Hall! or could be shot before I

was aware!

[Enter FAULKLAND and CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]

Sir LUCIUS

Gentlemen, your most obedient.—Hah!—what, Captain Absolute!—So, I

suppose, sir, you are come here, just like myself— to do a kind office, first
for your friend—then to proceed to business on your own account.

ACRES
What, Jack!—my dear Jack!—my dear friend!

ABSOLUTE
Hark'ee, Bob, Beverley's at hand.

Sir LUCIUS

98
Well, Mr. Acres—I don't blame your saluting the gentleman civilly.—[To
FAULKLAND.] So, Mr. Beverley, if you'll choose your weapons, the
captain and I will measure the ground.

FAULKLAND
My weapons, sir!

ACRES

Odds life! Sir Lucius, I'm not going to fight Mr. Faulkland; these are my
particular friends.

Sir LUCIUS
What, sir, did you not come here to fight Mr. Acres?

FAULKLAND
Not I, upon my word, sir.

Sir LUCIUS

Well, now, that's mighty provoking! But I hope, Mr. Faulkland, as there are
three of us come on purpose for the game, you won't be so cantankerous as
to spoil the party by sitting out.

ABSOLUTE
O pray, Faulkland, fight to oblige Sir Lucius.

FAULKLAND
Nay, if Mr. Acres is so bent on the matter——

ACRES
No, no, Mr. Faulkland;—I'll bear my disappointment like a Christian.—
Look'ee, Sir Lucius, there's no occasion at all for me to fight; and if it is
the same to you, I'd as lieve let it alone.

Sir LUCIUS

Observe me, Mr. Acres—I must not be trifled with. You have certainly
challenged somebody—and you came here to fight him. Now, if that
gentleman is willing to represent him—I can't see, for my soul, why it isn't
just the same thing.

ACRES

99
Why no—Sir Lucius—I tell you, 'tis one Beverley I've challenged—a
fellow, you see, that dare not show his face!—if he were here, I'd make him
give up his pretensions directly!

ABSOLUTE

Hold, Bob—let me set you right—there is no such man as Beverley in the

case.—The person who assumed that name is before you; and as his
pretensions are the same in both characters, he is ready to support them in
whatever way you please.

Sir LUCIUS
Well, this is lucky.—Now you have an opportunity——

ACRES
What, quarrel with my dear friend Jack Absolute?—not if he were fifty
Beverleys! Zounds! Sir Lucius, you would not have me so unnatural.

Sir LUCIUS

Upon my conscience, Mr. Acres, your valour has oozed away with a
vengeance!

ACRES

Not in the least! Odds backs and abettors! I'll be your second with all my
heart—and if you should get a quietus, you may command me entirely. I'll
get you snug lying in the Abbey here; or pickle you, and send you over to
Blunderbuss-hall, or anything of the kind, with the greatest pleasure.

Sir LUCIUS
Pho! pho! you are little better than a coward.

ACRES

Mind, gentlemen, he calls me a coward; coward was the word, by my

valour!

Sir LUCIUS

Well, sir?

ACRES

100
Look'ee, Sir Lucius, 'tisn't that I mind the word coward— coward may be
said in joke—But if you had called me a poltroon, odds daggers and
balls——

Sir LUCIUS

Well, sir?

ACRES
I should have thought you a very ill-bred man.

Sir LUCIUS
Pho! you are beneath my notice.

ABSOLUTE
Nay, Sir Lucius, you can't have a better second than my friend Acres—He
is a most determined dog—called in the country,
Fighting
Bob.—He generally kills a man a week—don't you Bob?

ACRES Ay—at
home!

Sir LUCIUS

Well, then, captain, 'tis we must begin—so come out, my little

counsellor—[Draws his sword]—and ask the gentleman, whether he will
resign the lady, without forcing you to proceed against him?

ABSOLUTE Come on then, sir—[Draws]; since you won't let it be an

amicable suit, here's my reply.

[Enter Sir ANTHONY ABSOLUTE, DAISY, Mrs. MALAPROP,

LYDIA, and JULIA.]

DAISY Knock 'em all down, sweet Sir Anthony; knock down my master in
particular; and bind his hands!

Sir ANTHONY Put up, Jack, put up, or I shall be in a frenzy—how came
you in a duel, sir?

ABSOLUTE Faith, sir, that gentleman can tell you better than I; 'twas he
called on me, and you know, sir, I serve his majesty.

101
Sir ANTHONY

Here's a pretty fellow; I catch him going to cut a man's throat, and he tells
me, he serves his majesty!—Zounds! sirrah, then how durst you draw the
king's sword against one of his subjects?

ABSOLUTE

Sir! I tell you, that gentleman called me out, without explaining his reasons.

Sir ANTHONY

Gad! sir, how came you to call my son out, without explaining your
reasons!

Sir LUCIUS
Your son, sir, insulted me in a manner which my honour could not brook.

Sir ANTHONY

Zounds! Jack, how durst you insult the gentleman in a manner which his
honour could not brook?

Mrs. MALAPROP

Come, come, let's have no honour before ladies— Captain Absolute, come
here—How could you intimidate us so?— Here's Lydia has been terrified
to death for you.

ABSOLUTE
For fear I should be killed, or escape, ma'am?

Mrs. MALAPROP
Nay, no delusions to the past—Lydia is convinced; speak, child.

Sir LUCIUS
With your leave, ma'am, I must put in a word here: I believe I could
interpret the young lady's silence. Now mark—

LYDIA
What is it you mean, sir?

Sir LUCIUS Come, come, Delia, we must be serious now—this is no time

for trifling.

102
LYDIA

'Tis true, sir; and your reproof bids me offer this gentleman my hand, and
solicit the return of his affections.

ABSOLUTE

O! my little angel, say you so?—Sir Lucius—I perceive there must be some
mistake here, with regard to the affront which you affirm I have given you.
I can only say, that it could not have been intentional.—But for this lady, I
will support my claim against any man whatever.

Sir ANTHONY
Well said, Jack, and I'll stand by you, my boy.

ACRES

Mind, I give up all my claim—I make no pretensions to anything in the

world; and if I can't get a wife without fighting for her, by my valour! I'll
live a bachelor.

Sir LUCIUS

Captain, give me your hand: an affront handsomely acknowledged becomes

an obligation; and as for the lady, if she chooses to deny her own hand-
writing, here—— [Takes out letters.]

Mrs. MALAPROP

O, he will dissolve my mystery!—Sir Lucius, perhaps there's some

mistake—perhaps I can illuminate——

Sir LUCIUS Pray, gentlewoman, don't interfere where you have no

business.—Miss Languish, are you my Delia, or not?

LYDIA
Indeed, Sir Lucius, I am not.

[Walks aside with CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.]

Mrs. MALAPROP

Sir Lucius O'Trigger—ungrateful as you are—I own the soft impeachment

—pardon my blushes, I am Delia.

103
Sir LUCIUS
You Delia—pho! pho! be easy.

Mrs. MALAPROP

Why, thou barbarous Vandyke—those letters are mine—When you are

more sensible of my benignity—perhaps I may be brought to encourage
your addresses.

Sir LUCIUS

Mrs. Malaprop, I am extremely sensible of your condescension; and

whether you or Lucy have put this trick on me, I am equally beholden to
you.—And, to show you I am not ungrateful, Captain Absolute, since you
have taken that lady from me, I'll give you my Delia into the bargain.

ABSOLUTE
I am much obliged to you, Sir Lucius; but here's my friend,
Fighting
Bob, unprovided for.

Sir LUCIUS
Hah! little Valour—here, will you make your fortune?

ACRES
No.—But give me your hand, Sir Lucius, forget and forgive; but if ever I
give you a chance of pickling me again, say Bob
Acres is a dunce, that's all.

Sir ANTHONY
Come, Mrs. Malaprop, don't be cast down—you a

re in your bloom yet.

Mrs. MALAPROP
O Sir Anthony—men are all barbarians.

[All retire but JULIA and FAULKLAND.]

JULIA [Aside.] He seems dejected and unhappy—not sullen; there was

some foundation, however, for the tale he told me—

FAULKLAND Julia!—how can I sue for what I so little deserve? I dare not
presume—
104
JULIA

Oh! Faulkland, you have not been more faulty in your unkind treatment of
me, than I am now in wanting inclination to resent it. As my heart honestly
bids me place my weakness to the account of love, I should be ungenerous
not to admit the same plea for yours.

FAULKLAND
Now I shall be blest indeed!

Sir ANTHONY

[Coming forward.] What's going on here?—So you have been quarrelling

too, I warrant! Come, Julia, I never interfered before; but let me have a
hand in the matter at last.— All the faults I have ever seen in my friend
Faulkland seemed to proceed from what he calls the delicacy and warmth
of his affection for you—There, marry him directly, Julia; you'll find he'll
mend surprisingly!

[The rest come forward.]

Sir LUCIUS

Come, now, I hope there is no dissatisfied person, for as I have been

disappointed myself, it will be very hard if I have not the satisfaction of
seeing other people succeed better.

ACRES

You are right, Sir Lucius.—So Jack, I wish you joy—Mr. Faulkland the
same.—Ladies,—come now, to show you I'm neither vexed nor angry,
odds tabors and pipes! I'll order the fiddles in half an hour to the New
Rooms—and I insist on your all meeting me there.

Sir ANTHONY
'Gad! sir, I like your spirit; and at night we single lads will drink a health to
the young couples, and a husband to Mrs.
Malaprop.

FAULKLAND

Our partners are stolen from us, Jack—I hope to be congratulated by each
other—yours for having checked in time the errors of an ill-directed
imagination, which might have betrayed an innocent heart; and mine, for

105
having, by her gentleness and candor, reformed the unhappy temper of one,
who by it made wretched whom he loved most, and tortured the heart he
ought to have adored.

ABSOLUTE

Well, Faulkland, we have both tasted the bitters, as well as the sweets of
love; with this difference only, that you always prepared the bitter cup for
yourself, while I——

LYDIA

Was always obliged to me for it, hey! Mr. Modesty? —But come, no more
of that—our happiness is now complete.

JULIA

Then let us study to preserve it so.

Exeunt omnes. END OF PLAY!

106