[12/27, 10:34 PM] QUDSIA: Echoists, or people who experience echoism,

are... exactly what they sound like. “It's a person who tends to mimic or
reflect the feelings, opinions, or desires of others instead of expressing their
own individual thoughts and emotions,"

[12/27, 10:34 PM] QUDSIA: An echoist is a person who struggles to express

themselves, receive praise or attention, struggles with emotional
individuation, where they can decipher their likes and dislikes, and struggles
to feel they are worthy of setting boundaries or having an opinion at the risk
of offending others

[12/27, 10:35 PM] QUDSIA: Clinical psychologist, researcher, and Harvard

Medical School lecturer, Craig Malkin, PhD, initially addressed this topic in his
book Rethinking Narcissism and has continued to explore it further in
subsequent articles for Psychology Today.

[12/27, 10:36 PM] QUDSIA: 10 signs of echoism

1. Avoiding attention

You prefer being in the background rather than the center of attention.
“Echoists tend to avoid the spotlight and shy away from attention or
recognition,

[12/27, 10:37 PM] QUDSIA: 2. Mirroring others

Along those lines, echoists don’t want to draw attention to themselves by

acting differently or disagreeing. They’d rather mirror others’ emotions and
preferences, according to Genatt. “They may struggle to express their own
individual identity and instead adapt to the people they are with, often at the
cost of neglecting their own needs and desires

[12/27, 10:37 PM] QUDSIA: 3. Feeling fearful of displeasing others

Does this mean all people-pleasers are echoists? Not necessarily, though
some of the signs may look similar, since, in both cases, Genatt says, “Fear
can drive them to avoid conflict and be overly accommodating, making it
difficult for them to say ‘no.’

[12/27, 10:38 PM] QUDSIA: 4. Having low self-esteem

While narcissists act superior, echoists act (and feel) inferior. Genatt says
they may downplay their worth or view themselves as less important or less
valuable. “This can lead to feelings of insecurity and self-doubt,” she
continues. Unfortunately, it can become a cycle.
Lifestyle

10 signs of echoism

1. Avoiding attention

You prefer being in the background rather than the center of attention.
“Echoists tend to avoid the spotlight and shy away from attention or
recognition,” Genatt says, explaining that attention can make them feel
uncomfortable. She adds this is the opposite of many types of narcissists
that “actively seek attention, recognition, and validation from others,” she
says.

2. Mirroring others

Along those lines, echoists don’t want to draw attention to themselves by

acting differently or disagreeing. They’d rather mirror others’ emotions and
preferences, according to Genatt. “They may struggle to express their own
individual identity and instead adapt to the people they are with, often at the
cost of neglecting their own needs and desires,” she says.

3. Feeling fearful of displeasing others

Does this mean all people-pleasers are echoists? Not necessarily, though
some of the signs may look similar, since, in both cases, Genatt says, “Fear
can drive them to avoid conflict and be overly accommodating, making it
difficult for them to say ‘no.’”

4. Having low self-esteem

While narcissists act superior, echoists act (and feel) inferior. Genatt says
they may downplay their worth or view themselves as less important or less
valuable. “This can lead to feelings of insecurity and self-doubt,” she
continues. Unfortunately, it can become a cycle.
 5. Difficulty accepting praise (or any attention at all)

Echoists are afraid of being perceived as narcissistic in any way, which is

where this comes into action. “Receiving positive feedback or attention can
be incredibly uncomfortable for someone experiencing echoism because
acknowledging their own strengths and merits can feel too close to
narcissism,” McSparran explains.

As a result, they may try to minimize, explain away, or avoid any of that
commentary or those situations. “This may look like the coworker who seems
physically uncomfortable when you praise her productivity or attention to
detail or the friend who would rather hide under the covers than have a
birthday party where he is the center of attention,” she says.

6. Feeling they have few or no preferences

While part of echoism is not saying what you want, it can also entail not
knowing what you want, or feeling like you don’t care either way. “An echoist
response of ‘I don’t know’ may be completely genuine,” McSparran says.
They may be so conditioned to devalue their own wants or take direction
from others that they don’t know their preferences, she continues, saying
this may look like a friend who “doesn’t care” what movie you watch.

7. Finding it easier to take up as little space as possible

Familiar with staying in the background and not speaking up, echoists feel
most safe and comfortable that way. They don’t want to come across as
burdens, McSparran says, adding that in their view, this feels better and
easier “than acknowledging that they are full humans deserving of care,
respect, self-direction, and a place in the world.”

8. Rejection sensitivity

While no one likes being rejected, to some extent, the experience may be
especially difficult for echoists. “Rejection sensitivity is an emotionally painful
level of dysregulation in emotions related to potential failure and rejection,”
Dr. Kelley explains. As a result, she says individuals who experience this may
be less likely to take healthy risks.
 9. Unhealthy levels of empathy

Yes, it’s possible to be too empathic! Dr. Kelley says empathy can create a
stress response in our bodies as we experience some of someone else’s pain
with them.

“With echoists, this can cause issues with chronic pain, stress, emotion
dysregulation, and finally fatigue from internalizing other’s pain and
struggling to create healthy boundaries to protect oneself,” she adds.
Because of those boundary challenges, she says, echoists may engage in
situations or relationships they don’t want to.

10. Fear of abandonment

Not only do echoists fear speaking up and having needs, but they fear the
ramifications they believe can result. So, they hate and avoid conflict at all
costs.

“Echoists fear that if they express themselves, especially if it is not in

agreement with someone else, that the person they are in a relationship with
will leave them or stop loving them,” Dr. Kelley explains. While this may not
make sense to people who aren’t echoists, it’s a very real fear.

What causes someone to be an echoist?

Parents “teaching” that behavior

Genatt says the way a person is raised can play a significant role in whether
they become an echoist or not. “If someone grew up in an environment
where they were taught to be exclusively compliant, always prioritize others,
or were subjected to authoritarian or overbearing caregivers, they may
develop echoist traits,” she says.

From another perspective, they may have had echoist caregivers who
modeled this behavior, according to McSparran. “In these situations, echoists
learn that it is simply ‘easier’ to minimize themselves in order to avoid
further hurt and conflict,” she explains.

“Eggshell parenting”

Dr. Kelley shares this specific example of a childhood environment that can
contribute to the development of echoism. She says “eggshell parenting” is
when kids feel like they have to “walk on eggshells” in response to their
parents’ unpredictable behavior, emotions, expectations, or outbursts.

As a result, she explains, children may be deterred from caring for their own
needs in exchange for meeting their parents’ demands. It can be indirect in
that way, or a result of more direct actions. “Many of these parents
discourage their children from expressing their own needs, and also struggle
to take ownership for their wrongdoings and train their children to chronically
take the blame,” she adds.

Being a caretaker as a child

Further, if parents struggle with emotion regulation, a mental health

condition, substance abuse, or other stressors, children may feel they have
to be the “adult” in the situation. “This plays into the child in the caretaking
role as they navigate how to calm their parent, as opposed to the preferred
dynamic where parents teach their child to emotionally regulate through
modeling or empathizing with their child’s needs,” Dr. Kelley explains.

Low self-esteem

When people don’t feel like they have anything of value to say, they may not
say anything, right? That’s essentially what we’re talking about here. “When
someone doesn’t have a strong sense of self-worth, they may struggle to
assert their own needs and opinions,” Genatt says.

Insecure attachment style

This is another factor that starts in early childhood and continues into
adulthood. We all develop one of three attachment styles: secure, anxious, or
avoidant. Genatt says people with anxious or avoidant styles may be more
prone to become echoists “as they may struggle with forming healthy
boundaries and assertiveness in relationships.”

Experiencing shame or punishment for acting otherwise

Similar to some of the causes above, echoists can “learn” that their
behaviors feel safer or more comfortable. “Echoism can be a means of
adapting to relationships or situations in which there are perceived
consequences to requiring care or attention, acting in one’s interest, or
attempting to assert oneself,” McSparran says.

For example, she continues, they may have been shamed or punished for
asking for support, expressing strong emotions, or advocating for
themselves. This could happen at any point in life and have an impact, not
just childhood if the experience is particularly emotionally intense.

Tips for working through and coping with echoism

Much like the challenges associated with narcissism, those linked with
echoism spring from leaning too far in one direction: Just as it isn’t beneficial
to think the entire world revolves around you, it’s also equally as unhelpful to
think that you or your needs don’t matter in the slightest.

Genatt says self-awareness, self-compassion, and a commitment to personal

growth are important starting points for managing the challenges of echoism
and are needed on an ongoing basis. Below are practical steps for moving in
that direction.

Set boundaries

Focusing on everyone else all the time can be emotionally exhausting; you
deserve to take care of yourself, too. “It’s okay to say ‘no’ when necessary
and to prioritize your own needs and well-being,” Genatt says. As the saying
goes, self-care isn’t selfish!
Then, McSparran encourages you to find ways to “manage related feelings of
discomfort or guilt.” To help with this, you may want to remind yourself why
you said no (and that you’re allowed to), distract yourself with a hobby you
enjoy, or talk it out with someone you trust.

Be mindful of the company you keep

In other words, do your loved ones help you feel comfortable? Do they ask
about what you want and genuinely want your input? Dr. Kelley encourages
surrounding yourself “with supportive people who are themselves
empathetic and compassionate.”

Further, those people are the ones you may want to try boundary setting
with first. “Practice sharing your feelings with these safe individuals to
reinforce that you are worthy of support as well as your own opinions,” she
says. (More on this in a bit.)

Embrace yourself

While this tip sounds pretty big, it can be broken down into baby steps. To
start, Genatt recommends identifying who you are, what you want, and what
you need. She says journaling, mindfulness, and meditation can help you
explore your thoughts and connect to your feelings.

Once you’ve got an idea, remind yourself that those aspects are good.
“Celebrate your uniqueness and individuality,” Genatt says. “Embrace your
own preferences and opinions, even if they differ from others.”

Practice being disagreeable

Have an idea of what you like and don’t like? Share it!

Dr. Kelley suggests disagreeing more freely, even if it’s difficult. You can start
small, she says, with topics like music preferences and which restaurant to
go to. “Each time you voice your preference, and especially if it differs from
others, it supports your ego state and ability to remember that you are
worthy of being cared for and regarded.”

Challenge unhelpful thoughts

Inevitably, some negative thinking may arise—but it doesn’t have to stick.

“Work to notice and challenge self-blame and negative self-talk,” McSparran
says. Asking a friend for a reality check, writing a letter to yourself, and
taking deep breaths are skills that can help you avoid that shame spiral.

Being kind to yourself is crucial here. “Because these narratives have likely
been reinforced for years, this can take some time and patience, but each
effort is important in the healing process,” Dr. Kelley adds.

Encourage helpful thinking

Besides pointing out the inaccuracies in unhelpful thoughts, try to foster

more positive ones, too. McSparran encourages you to “develop a more
accurate self-image and build self-esteem.” According to the Mayo Clinic, this
can look like calling out inaccurate thought patterns, forgiving yourself,
engaging in activities that you enjoy, and spending time with people who
love you.

Work with a therapist

These tips are easier said than done, of course, which is why professional
help is often the way to go. “Because it is extremely difficult to see our own
patterns clearly, working with a professional therapist can be deeply helpful
in working through echoist tendencies,” McSparran says.

Genatt suggests therapists who specialize in assertiveness, self-esteem, and

personal growth specifically.
“Remember that addressing echoist tendencies is a personal journey,”
Genatt adds, “and it’s essential to be kind and patient with yourself as you
work toward a healthier balance in your relationships and self-expression.”

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