Stephanie Moreno
Rhetoric and Revision
Professor Steve Ryan
English 163
9 June 2024
Assignment - Rhetoric and Revision
1.
Original: Although there are many who agree with pushing this agenda to create safe
communities from domestic warfare there equally needs to be urgency in medical ethics and
civil liberties.
Revised: Although many Angelenos agree with pushing involuntary treatment in order to
create safer communities from domestic warfare, it should also urgently encompass medical
ethics and civil liberties severely.
2.
Original: The increase in uses of technological advances can also be definitive in filling more
gaps and trauma ultimately resulting in more dividing and conquering of data and money.
Revised: The pace of technological advances is hindering humane gaps clinically and
exponentially breaching exploitative trauma, resulting in even more divide along with the
conquering of data and money.
3.
Original: Modern technology has made speech, consent and privacy a very expensive
currency in the land of the free, especially for hyper-marginalized communities.
Revised: Modern technology has filtered free speech, consent and privacy into very expensive
currencies in the land of the free; especially towards voices that are suppressed and
disadvantaged.
4.
Original: California has long suffered from this crisis and it is constantly increasing every
year, with a faulty economy there are more people who are in support of involuntary treatment
for necessary reasons.
Revised: California’s long history of suffering from this crisis is constantly increasing each
year multiplied by the current faulty economy has more individuals in support of involuntary
treatment for safety and transportational reasons.
5.
Original: While Richards is correct in his statement, Los Angeles encourages displacing
locals due to locations being recycled or gentrified.
Revised: Richards is correct in his statement but Los Angeles encourages displacement of
locals due to gentrification and catapults recycling of minority neighborhoods for many years.
6.
Original: While seen as the capital entertainment making machine of the world it also
attracts all walks of life in an ironic way because as much as there are those who want to
make it there are many who fail in the tracks.
Revised: Regardless of the many success stories produced by Hollywood, there are also many
walks of life that fail financially due to drugs or fall into the wrong hands and crowds that
don’t want the best for them.
7.
Original: Unfortunately many individuals on this journey can’t resist temptations or simply
see the reality behind chasing a dream that is fueled by agendas and catered to industry
planting.
Revised: Unfortunately many people on their journey can’t resist temptations or are already
blackmailed amidst chasing a dream that’s constantly challenged by higher agendas catering
to industry planting.