Epic Relationship_Module_3_FINAL

Welcome to our module on safety. First off, why talk about safety as a key component to great
communication and great relationships? Well, the importance of feeling safe might not at first
seem obvious, it actually goes really, really deep and it is a crucial component to our work

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together. You see, when you feel safe, you are able to open up and relax, you can learn and
grow and connect to yourself and to each other. And most importantly, safety increases trust,

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intimacy and romance. I have found over and over again, that safety is the basis of all hot sex, I

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even gave a TED talk on it. You see, safety is actually the foundation of sexual tension. It is the
kindling that supplies the flame it is the fuel for the fire. This is because of the way that our
nervous systems work. In short, we have a nervous system designed to keep us alive by
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returning us to safety when we are threatened. And it's called the sympathetic nervous system.
Or you may know it as the fight or flight nervous system. In a little bit, we're going to learn
actually that it includes two other parts which are called freeze, and fawn. More on that in just a
second. The thing that you need to know for now is that this fight or flight nervous system
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evolved to get our bodies back to safety by fighting off a threat or fleeing flighting running
away from it. This nervous system is what kept our ancestors from being eaten by things like
saber toothed Tiger. That way they were able to have babies raise them, those babies have
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babies, on and on and on. And all the way to you and me here today we are the result of people
who had a really great fight or flight response in the presence of danger that helped them
restore themselves to safety, either by fighting or fleeing the scene. The complement to this
fight or flight nervous system is called the parasympathetic nervous system. And it is often
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referred to as the rest and digest, feed and breed nervous system. This is the system that our
body clicks into when we feel safe, when we know that there's no threats around and there's
nothing left to do but eat and bang. This is also the system that allows our bodies to relax into
a sexual connection with another person, because it doesn't do us much good and it certainly
wouldn't have been beneficial to our ancestors to be super turned on hungry while also getting
chased by a predator. These two nervous systems are designed to be activated separately. And
in order to really get into that relaxed feed and breed nervous system, you need to be safe. As
you already know, when you feel safe, intimacy is amazing. It is easy to feel close and
comfortable with other people when we are in that relaxed, safe nervous system. So when my
coaching clients come to me with problems like not being able to orgasm or experiencing
erectile dysfunction, or pain during sex or just about any other problem, we often find that they
are having sex or trying to connect from the fight or flight nervous system. Once we get them
out of that and back into the feed and breed the parasympathetic, then they often find that
those problems disappear. But this does not just apply to sex. This applies to all kinds of
intimacy and closeness. If you don't feel safe, you can't connect with your partner because your
brain, the largest organ of your nervous system is basically obsessed with restoring safety at all
costs. Even if it means getting into petty arguments, driving off in our car, or even ending a
relationship like I almost dead. It's basically the reason that human beings have made it as far
as we have. And failing to understand this system is the cause of so much breakdown and pain
inside of relationships. Now, it sounds simple enough, like just move from unsafe to safe, but in
reality, it's a bit more challenging than that. It requires us to really understand the messages
that we're always receiving from our own nervous system and that of our partner, and then
knowing how to attend to them. And that's why in this module, we are going to talk about the
key ingredients to safety. The four ways your body lets you know it doesn't feel safe. I promise
that part is going to surprise you. And an easy five step process for getting back to safety in
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and in your relationship. If it's been compromised. Let's go Begin with the basic ingredients to
safety and what makes us feel unsafe feeling safe is relative, and the exact ingredients will be
different for each person. In other words, what makes you feel safe might not make me and
what makes him feel safe might not make her feel safe. As you learned from our mindsets in
module one, safety, like everything else we talk about in this course, is an inside job. So let's
take a moment to reflect on safety. If this is your first time going through the course, grab your
journal or workbook and answer the following questions. Number one, how do you define
safety? Number two, what makes you feel safe with yourself? Number three, what makes you
feel safe to open up and be vulnerable with your partner? As you're reflecting? Also, ask
yourself what makes you feel unsafe? Knowing what makes us feel unsafe can help us to
understand what makes us feel safe. If you are going through this course for the second or third
time and using either mirror work or a diet, here are the questions that you'll be working with.
Number one, tell me something about you and safety. To tell me something about this
relationship, and safety. Make sure that you establish a loving presence. And for the mirror
work, work for at least seven minutes on your own. And in a dyad ask yourself back and forth
those questions for at least 14 minutes. Remember that if you're single, you can make it about
your relationship to yourself or about your ideal relationship. And be sure to only work with a
partner in a dyad. Once you are ready, and you have prepared using the instructions I give you
in module five, no matter if you've done journaling, mirror work or a dyad. Once you are
complete, take this moment to reflect and integrate what came up for you. Ask yourself the
following questions. One, what are you more conscious of now than you were before? Two?
How was doing this exercise valuable to you? And three, what new story will you tell yourself
after this? Since safety is our natural state, and therefore we don't always notice when it's
present. It's sort of like a body pain, you don't really notice your shoulder until it starts to hurt.
Because safe and relaxed is our natural state. It's easier to describe how a lack of safety feels,
we have all experienced times where we didn't feel safe. And on the extreme end these
register as traumas to our nervous system. A traumatic event is one in which the body's ability
to achieve safety was overwhelmed. And we were unable to process the event physically or
psychologically in that time, thus storing it in our body and mind. All people have experienced
traumatic events, whether it be capital T trauma, like abuse, assault, neglect, torture, or
lowercase trauma, like bullying, being isolated, trapped inside a toxic relationship experiencing
emotional abuse, etc. Many of our most impactful traumatic events happen in our childhood,
but continue to shape us as adults. Mostly in ways we're not aware of the most common ways
that our traumas affect us even well after the actual event is through triggering events. Now,
you may have heard the word trigger before and have the idea that only weak or sensitive
people get triggered. But I am here to tell you that all adults experience triggers. Let's take a
veteran for example, someone who has lived through the intensely traumatic experience of
combat, this person has experienced gunshots being fired at them. And in the heat of battle,
there is not much room or time for processing. So most of those traumatic memories live on in
their body. Years later, they're safe at home with their family enjoying a firework show and
suddenly, boom ba bow. The loud sounds of explosions trigger the traumatic memory of the
battlefield. Suddenly their nervous system is completely hijacked. And it is as if they were back
at war. This is how the traumatic experience and triggering experience cycle exists in all of us.
Fortunately, for most of us, we have not had to live through the capital T trauma of war. And to
all of our veterans, I salute you and appreciate your service. I am the daughter of a Vietnam
War veteran who demonstrated this to me and struggled with it a lot throughout my childhood.
Now for most of us traumatic experiences feel like nervous system overwhelm too much too
fast, too soon, and we have all experienced it.

And then later in life long after that event, something triggers us. Usually it's not as
straightforward as exploding fireworks which actually makes it that much harder for us to spot.
Usually it's a look A word of feeling and emotional imprint a situation that feels so familiar, but
we can't even place it. We may not even notice that it's happening until our nervous system
sends the message that we don't feel safe anymore. Another way of explaining trauma comes
from Gabor Ma Tei, a world renowned expert in trauma who said, trauma is a psychic wound
that hardens you psychologically, that then interferes with your ability to grow and develop, it
pains you and now you are acting out of pain. It induces fear and now you're acting out of fear.
Trauma is not what happens to you it is what happens inside of you as a result of what's
happened to you. Trauma is the scarring that makes you less flexible and more rigid, less
feeling and more defended. I mean, no wonder trauma and triggers keep us from deep
connection and intimacy. And if that is the definition of trauma, then a simple definition of a
trigger is an input that evokes emotional upset, spring the body into reactions, because of
memories of traumatic events in your past. And to further complicate things, all of us
experience traumas and triggers totally differently. The easiest way to spot a trigger is that it
debilitates you from being who you want to be who you are when you are your best self. A
trigger also leaves you feeling unsafe in your body by triggering a stress response. And luckily,
all of our stress responses fall under one of four nervous system outputs. And these are fight,
flight, freeze, and fawn. In other words, the four F's some of the ways that these show up are
obvious, but some are less. So here are some common examples of how Fight, Flight freeze
and fun show up in our daily lives. Here are some examples of the fight response. Yelling,
getting aggressive gearing up pushing back. Flight can look like disassociating becoming
absent minded or daydreaming, and experience of leaving our body numbing or not being able
to feel or identify our feelings. It can also manifest as an intense desire to get as far away as
possible. Freeze happens when we can't speak, when we want to curl up into a little ball. We
don't know or we can't identify what we want, or we feel totally overwhelmed and we want it all
to just go away. fawning is less familiar to most people, and it can look like people pleasing,
putting the needs of another person before you or focusing exclusively on them. Or you may
have a totally disorganized experience reacting disproportionately to the situation, which could
be a combination of any of the four apps working together. Now don't go thinking that this is
entirely a bad thing. All four of the apps fight flight, freeze and fawn have healthy and
unhealthy expressions. They may have gotten a bad rap for always being less than ideal
reactions, but in truth, we need all of them to functioning. This is how we're wired. Here are
some examples of the four F's working for you in constructive ways. Fight moves you to action
helps you get things done. Flight can look like leaving an event when you're ready to go
creating a boundary saying goodbye or simply calling it a night. Freeze can be a call to rest and
rejuvenate. Finding can manifest as complementing others genuinely not from a desire to
manipulate or control. Basically, the four apps show up in unhealthy ways when you are outside
of your capacity to handle things or you feel pushed beyond your limits. In relationships. This
looks like fight. This could look like anxious attachment when you chase after your partner
when there's a conflict. But really, y'all just need space flight, walking out on a conversation
hanging up the phone or avoiding conflict

altogether. Freeze the silent treatment. stonewalling, withdrawing not being responsive, fun,
saying or being something that isn't true or authentic to you to soothe or calm the other.
Disorganized all four F's showing up passive aggressiveness, codependent behaviors,
manipulation or cycling back and forth like I want to fight with you but also I want to go but I'm
gonna stay here and fight but I'm leaving. All of us demonstrate these in our own ways. But if
you really struggle with these in your own life, it is time to call in professional help. Working
with a trauma informed or a trauma trained professional. Whether that is a coach or therapist

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can help you learn more about your triggers and develop a larger capacity to handle them. As
Gabor Ma Tei shares trauma interferes with your ability ability to grow and develop. If that is

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the case for you, which a professional can definitely help you evaluate, you will need extra

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support beyond this course. And as a disclaimer, this course is designed to help you start to
notice and navigate where trauma and triggers show up in communication. It is not designed
and is not able to help you overcome or heal trauma. That is the work that you do day in and
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day out with the help of a trained professional. Alright, it's time for us to revisit the idea of
personal responsibility because you are responsible for making yourself and others feel safe.
Here is a list of the most common ways in which we undermine other people's experience of
safety. If you do any of these, it is time to take responsibility by using the tools in this course,
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to understand why you do what you do, and then develop better healthier ways to
communicate. Yelling or raising your voice. calling names, making threats, especially empty
ones, like you're threatening to leave the relationship just to get your way. Manipulating, for
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example, telling someone what they want to hear, but then going ahead to do something else.
Lacking in empathy, and unable to read a situation. being aggressive with your body or your
physical presence like attempting to grab hold, or stop another person from leaving when they
want to. Using physical violence, dominating a partner with your words or actions to take away
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their freedom to choose. If you find yourself doing any of these things, or you are with a partner
who does any of these, they must stop immediately and contact a professional for help. Not
only do these things eliminate safety in your relationship, they are signs of an unhealthy or
even abusive relationship in which real safety and communication is not possible. Let's pause
here to do a little self reflection on owning our triggers. Now that you know about the four F's,
you probably also have a sense of which one is the most familiar to you which one you are
individually primed for, or which one you lean on the most. You might have different responses
to different stressors, your spouse might trigger your fight response, but your kids might trigger
your flight response. You might freeze in the meeting, but fun one on one with your boss. The
key to using this information is becoming aware of your triggers in your responses to them. No
matter how many times you have done this course. Get out your journal and write the four F's
fight, flight, freeze, and fun. Next to each one list one or more recent times that you felt that
particular response come up. After you've done that reflect on each of those events and ask
yourself what was the underlying cause? What was the thought were the event that triggered
that response. For example, under fight you might write when I was at the football game, and I
noticed someone checking out my wife and wanted to fight him. For the underlying cause of
that trigger, you might write, I'm afraid that I'm not enough, so she'll leave me for him. Or it
reminded me of a time I got cheated on. Or it triggered the memory of my mom cheating on
my dad. Another example would be when my boss called me out of the blue in the meeting,

I just wanted to run out of there at full speed. The underlying trigger could be I'm afraid of
failing, or I don't want to look foolish, or that reminds me of being called on by my teacher and
looking dumb in front of the class. An example of a freeze response might be I was so
overwhelmed by the conversation I was having with my spouse that I noticed myself starting to
be absent and daydream. The trigger could be that I felt unlovable, or I was afraid I'd be
rejected. This is important work. So go slow and steady and realize that every single time you
do this exercise, you might experience something totally different. And that is great. That's
actually a great sign. That means you're doing the deep work and you're peeling back the
layers. Now for those of you who have gone through the course before here is the my triggers
practice. If this is your second time going through the course here are the prompts for you to
use in your mirror work. Question one. What is a common trigger I experience when I interact
with my partner? Question two, what is the root of that trigger? Question three, what is
something I can do to create safety for myself in that moment, repeat these three questions a
minimum of seven times. If this is your third time going through the course and you feel safe
and ready to go through these prompts as a dyad. With your partner, here are the prompts that
you will ask to each other. What is a common trigger you experience in your interactions with
me? What is the root of that trigger? What is something you can do to create safety for yourself
in that moment, ask each person all three questions in a row, and then switch, go for a
minimum of 14 minutes. The key to succeeding whether you are using the journal mere work or
the dyad, is to focus on your thoughts and your experience. And to avoid pointing the finger at
others. Let me give you a couple examples. So for the prompt, a common trigger that I
experience, is, I get angry that I'm not receiving the amount of attention I desire, as opposed to
saying my partner doesn't give me attention. For example, the prompt the root of that trigger,
could be because I never felt I got enough attention from my dad, as opposed to my dad didn't
give me attention. And to answer the third prompt, what's something I can do to create safety
for myself, you could say, give myself the attention that I'm really craving, as opposed to telling
your partner that they need to give you that attention. No matter what you've done, whether
that's journaling, mirror work, or the dyad. Make sure to take a moment when you're done to
integrate and answer the following questions. What are you more conscious of than you were
before? What about doing this practice is valuable to you? What is the new story that you will
tell yourself, and be sure to bring your full loving presence throughout the entire exercise? Now
that we know the signs that we are having a trauma or a stress response, which are the four F's
and we've known what some of our triggering events are, let's talk about what to do when
trauma and triggers show up. Number one, name the response say to yourself or out loud, I am
going into fight mode, I am going into freeze, I am not feeling safe, I am feeling a stress
response come up for me. Even just naming what's going on will help your nervous system to
recognize that you're having a stress or trauma response. Step number two, stop talking. When
we are triggered and responding from one of the four F's, our human higher thinking brain right
here called the prefrontal cortex totally goes offline. And in its place comes our lizard brain,
which is in charge of our survival. Unfortunately, the lizard brain is not a good place for us to
communicate from I mean, if you've ever interacted with a lizard, they don't use words. They
don't do problem solving. They hardly have any sense of social niceties. So it is not wise for us
to continue to try to communicate when we are trapped there. The good news is that it only
takes a few minutes to maybe a couple of hours to get back to the human brain
if we know what to do. Step three, soothe yourself. While each person will respond to different
strategies for soothing here are some that you can try. Take slow, deep breaths, focusing on
the exhale, squeeze all of the muscles in your body and grunt, scream into a pillow. Go for a
run, throwing things but only inside of a safe environment and away from other people. Feeling
your feet on the ground in your butt in the chair while breathing slowly. Going for a long walk in
nature, lying under a weighted blanket. Taking a bath, walking or standing barefoot in grass or
dirt, giving yourself the gift of time to really relax into one of those activities or really flex into
one of those activities is also important. It's also worth noting that as you go about the task of
communicating in your relationship, or as you engage in some of the exercises in this course,
you might notice yourself starting to move towards one of those four apps. In those cases you
may need to slow down or decrease the intensity of the communication. For the sake of our
work within this course. A great rule is to go only as fast as the slowest part of you feel safe to
go or as a couple go only as fast as the slowest part of either of you feel safe to go. Take a
moment right now to commit to yourself and each other that you will notice when things are
going too much too fast too soon and that you will slow down and honor this agreement. Here
are some ways in which you can slow down, watch and do the exercises for only one module
per week. This is what we've recommended from the jump watch the mod wrote multiple times
before doing the exercise, shorten the duration of the exercises, sit or stand with more space
between you. You can also use hand signals When words aren't accessible. In fact, let's take a
moment to agree on them right now, I recommend using the timeout symbol to stop or you can
cross your arms in front of your chest in the shape of an X. For slow down, you can make the
slow down motion, but I remember from going on boats and there's a kid of pumping your hand
palm down in front of your torso. I also recommend that all couples have safe words. Yellow
and red are great ones. If you've never determined your own safe words, yellow is for slow
down, and red is for stop safe words are not just for in the bedroom. They are great for all
relationships. But the most important thing about these hand signs and the safe words is that
you must fully respect them. If one partner says stop, you must both commit to a full stop and
reset. If you don't under the Safe words, then they're not safe. Here are some things that you
can do when someone calls to slow down, look away, and then look back. Sit at an angle to
each other instead of side by side or face to face. Take breaks with eye contact, stop to breathe
and close your eyes for a moment. In other words, take a breather. All right, here is the last key
ingredient to safety. And this one will surprise you. Because most of us don't ever realize this
and thus go about our whole life feeling disempowered and unable to achieve the feeling of
safety we most desire. The most common reason you don't feel safe is because you aren't
listening to yourself. And because you are not listening to yourself, you are not speaking up for
what you truly need and desire. You don't have your own back, you are not being personally
responsible. Now, do not be too hard on yourself. Because everyone does this, we generally are
not good at listening to ourselves. And so we are constantly looking outside ourselves to feel
safe. Here's the hard truth. Unless you are in an abusive relationship, you feel unsafe because
of not holding your own boundaries. Because you're not speaking up. Or you're not creating
safety for yourself. Maybe you don't know what you want. And so you base your choices on
other people's wants and needs or on what you were taught you should want and not what you
actually do want.

Maybe you can't hear your own needs because it's too loud in your life with so many other
Maybe you can't hear your own needs because it's too loud in your life with so many other
distractions and other people's voices and expectations. Or maybe you're worried about what
other people will think of you that you're weak that you're not enough that you're not a good
person, whatever that means. And therefore you ignore your own needs and wants even
though they are blaring like an alarm bell in your brain all day. Here's another hard truth. You
and only you are responsible for making yourself safe. Now this is good news because you need
not wait another minute to start restoring safety to your life. The secret is asking for what you
need and making sure you get it whether that's space or time or the end of the relationship or
to share childcare responsibilities, whatever it is no limits. This is your life and no one but you
can hear the whispering voices in your head telling you what you need. That's your job and
your responsibility alone and yes, it is hard work but you are more than capable of doing it. By
that was quite a module. To recap, we learned in this module, the basics of safety we learned
why safety is the basis of romance, intimacy and communication. We learned about the
parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems. We journaled about our own definitions of
safety, we learned about trauma and triggers and how to recognize the four F's fight, flight,
freeze, and fawn. We developed some safe words and signals to help us communicate better
and safer. We practice naming and soothing our own triggers. And we learned that true safety
comes from listening to our own wants and needs and respecting them. In the next module,
we'll dive into non judgement, which will help tie together any loose strings remaining on safety

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or trust. I'll see you over there.

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