Sexuality & Culture (2020) 24:1852–1874

[Link]

ORIGINAL PAPER

“A Short Story of a Lonely Guy”: A Qualitative Thematic

Analysis of Involuntary Celibacy Using Reddit

December Maxwell1 · Sarah R. Robinson1 · Jessica R. Williams1 ·

Craig Keaton1

Published online: 25 March 2020

© Springer Science+Business Media, LLC, part of Springer Nature 2020

Abstract
Scant research exists on those who classify as involuntarily celibate. Research in the
past has focused on groups such as people celibate in marriage, those with chronic
disease or illness, and the elderly. However, the recent media attention given to
involuntary celibate males, or “incels,” and their role in violence against women has
gained national attention. Research on involuntary celibates has found a new group
of individuals emerging who have a strong desire for a sexual connection and are
disturbed by the lack of interpersonal sexuality in their lives. With the gap in litera-
ture surrounding the perceptions of this new group of “incels”, and their relationship
to violence against women, the goal of this research was to use the “r/Braincels”
Subreddit to answer the research question “what are the shared experiences, senti-
ments, and expressions of people who self-define as incels?” This study followed
thematic content analysis methodological guidelines designed for obtaining data
from Reddit and identifying specific extraction criteria. Themes identified and dis-
cussed include a constructed trope of women, the patriarchally-informed male ideal,
hypocritical approaches to gender, and the incel identity. Implications include the
need for increased education regarding healthy relationships in schools, creation of
incel-specific group therapy, and more research to identify red flags regarding incel
identity and its relationship to violent acts.

Keywords Involuntary celibate · Incel · Toxic masculinity · Reddit · Qualitative

Introduction

“Incel,” or “involuntarily celibate,” is the moniker used by individuals who desire

to engage in sexual relationships but cannot due to non-conventional attractiveness,
social anxiety, or lack of physical resources (Donnelly et al. 2001). In 2018, “incel”

* December Maxwell
[Link]@[Link]
1
The University of Texas at Arlington, 211 Cooper St., Arlington, TX 766019, USA

1Vol:.(1234567890)
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“A Short Story of a Lonely Guy”: A Qualitative Thematic Analysis… 1853

became more widely known after a man drove his van into a crowd in Toronto, kill-
ing ten people and claiming on his social media that it was the beginning of “The
Incel Rebellion” (Joseph and Abedi 2019). Originating from a group of online indi-
viduals seeking support for social isolation, the term has been coopted and widely
associated with violence, terrorism, alt-right ideology, white-supremacy, and the
anti-feminist movement (Baker 2016). Another self-identified incel and proclaimed
“supreme gentleman” of incel ideology was identified as the Southern Poverty Law
Center’s (SPLC) first individual terrorist of the alt-right, following his 2014 Califor-
nia rampage (Southern Poverty Law Center 2018). SPLC has now classified male
supremacists as a hate group. Although the incel community has been identified as a
hate group, very little research exists on how individuals begin to identify as incels.
Research suggests that the motivation for identifying as an incel may be the desire to
overcome social isolation by joining an online community (Burgess et al. 2001) and
the adoption of hegemonic or toxic beliefs about masculinity (Ging 2019).

Social Ineptitude and Isolation

Social connection is a basic human need (See Cacioppo and Patrick 2008). Rook
(1985) describes social inclusion and the support received from positive social inter-
actions as critical resources for navigating challenging life experiences. Social con-
nection is positively associated with overall well-being (Helliwell and Putnam 2004)
and provides a source of motivation to achieve personal goals (Gore 2014). Fur-
thermore, people who develop without adequate social support, in this case those
with insecure attachments in childhood and young adulthood and those with socially
maladaptive behaviors, may be more socially isolated and more like to experience a
mental illness, including high anxiety related to social abandonment, negative views
of self, and externalizing personal distress (Simard et al. 2011). Research highlights
that those deficient in social skills (i.e. inappropriately sensitive and/or expressive)
are less likely to be perceived favorably in social situations therefore more likely to
be lonely and socially isolated (DiTommaso et al. 2003; Riggio 1986), which can
create an endless cycle of loneliness and social isolation. Loneliness creates cycles
wherein individuals perceive negative social interactions as more intensely negative
and positive social interactions as less favorable (Cacioppo and Hawkley 2005).
For young adults, the negative impact is experienced more frequently by those
with higher levels of loneliness (van Roekel et al. 2016). In addition to increased
negative responses, compared to non-lonely young adults, lonely young adults are
more aware of negative social interactions such as being ignored by peers and dis-
tanced body language (Bangee et al. 2014). Those who are in the highest quartile of
loneliness have a unique visual attention pattern and are more hyper-vigilant with
social threats (Bangee et al. 2014).
The need for social connection extends to romantic relationships (Weiss 1973).
Weiss (1973) posited that an individual can experience emotional loneliness, specifi-
cally romantic-emotional loneliness, in the absence of a close attachment. Greater
feelings of romantic loneliness being predicted by lower levels of adult attachment
have been supported empirically (DiTommaso and Spinner 1997). Further, when

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examining the relationship status and well-being of young adults, those who are
single have the lowest level of overall well-being when compared to those who are
engaged in committed relationships (Kamp Dush and Amato 2005; Soons and Lief-
broer 2008). Those who are single experience lower levels of perceived social sup-
port and lower emotional well-being (Adamczyk and Segrin 2015). Furthermore,
young adults who identify as involuntarily single have higher levels of romantic
loneliness than those in relationships or who identify as voluntarily single (Adam-
czyk 2017). Involuntary singlehood is also associated with higher levels of anxi-
ety, insomnia, depression, and romantic loneliness when compared to those who are
identify as voluntarily single (Adamczyk 2017).
In addition to the adverse effects of involuntary singleness, those who identify
as involuntary celibate also experience adverse outcomes. Involuntary celibacy can
lead to depression, feelings of despair and frustration, and loss of self-confidence
(Donnelly et al. 2001). Individuals who feel that they have remained celibate past
the societally constructed time in which they believe they should have entered a sex-
ual relationship, continue to be negatively impacted by feeling “different” and are
therefore less likely to initiate sexual relationships (Donnelly et al. 2001). For men,
the pressure from traditional expectations adds reluctance to engage in sexual rela-
tionships both face-to-face and online (Donnelly et al. 2001). This can lead to toxic
views surrounding masculinity.

Masculinities: Toxic and Hegemonic

Hegemonic masculinity (Connell 1987) has been used for several decades to
describe the dominating power men hold over women, further described as:
a set of values, established by men in power that functions to include and
exclude, and to organize society in gender unequal ways. It combines several
features: a hierarchy of masculinities, differential access among men to power
(over women and other men), and the interplay between men’s identity, men’s
ideals, interactions, power, and patriarchy. (Jewkes and Morrell 2012, p. 40)
While the construction of gender is fluid and complex, hegemonic masculinity
encourages and validates the dominance of patriarchal masculinity over women
and other types of masculinities (Connell and Messerschmidt 2005). Engaging in
toxic behaviors, like physical and sexual violence, are means of maintaining domi-
nance and control (Connell and Messerschmidt 2005). Messerschmidt (2000) found
that when adolescent boys shift to hegemonic views of masculinity, they are more
likely to commit acts of sexual violence, given their view of their role in relation-
ship to women shifts to one of dominance. Men who engage in hegemonic think-
ing are often bolstered in their thinking by aligning themselves with other men who
have similar viewpoints (Grazien 2007). This can create rituals around conquering
women in which men are taught to display their masculine power in order to subdue
a female partner (Grazien 2007).
One particularly salient type of hegemonic masculinity is ‘toxic masculin-
ity’ which has been described as an “interrelated collection of norms, beliefs, and

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“A Short Story of a Lonely Guy”: A Qualitative Thematic Analysis… 1855

behaviors associated with masculinity, which are harmful to women, men, children,
and society more broadly” (Sculos 2017, p. 3). The use of this term has not come
without criticism from some and support from others (de Boise 2019). Antifemi-
nists, Masculinists, Men’s Rights Activists, and the “Manosphere” have opposed the
use of the term and concept as it is one aspect of the ‘war on men’ (de Boise 2019;
Wilson 2018). The violence of hegemonic and toxic masculinities is in part, or in
whole, a reaction to the threat of diminishing the idealized version of manhood.
The rise of women in roles typically filled by men (Messner 2016), the widespread
acceptability of homosexuality (2, 2016; Jewkes et al. 2015), as well as changes
in industrialism (Messner 2016) are all threats to the idealized version of what a
man should be. This rise in recognition of negative aspects of hypermasculinity has
resulted in a radicalization (Burns 2017), including in online setting (Ging 2019).

The Rise of Involuntary Celibacy

Online dating prevalence has increased in recent years, which has reduced some
of the social anxiety surrounding initial meetings with potential romantic partners
(Zlot et al. 2018). However, those who are reluctant to initiate sexual relationships,
in-person and online, turn to the internet for moral support as opposed to seeking
romantic relationships (Donnelly et al. 2001). Individuals experiencing social isola-
tion using online platforms are more likely to have problematic internet usage (i.e.,
spend extended periods of non-directed time online and experience distress when
not online), specifically for men and those who spend more than 5 h a day online
(Odac and Kalkan 2010). Additionally, excessive and problematic internet usage
can increase loneliness, which can create a problematic and harmful cycle of social
isolation (Yao and Zhong 2014). Further, research indicates that the internet allows
male supremacists to connect, collaborate, and build a collective persona (Ging
2019). Ging (2019) also argues for further exploration into the development of incel
ideologies, as well as techniques to use the internet to resist the development of such
groups.
Self-defined incels have created multiple communities on internet forums such
as Reddit, 4Chan, 8Chan, and Tumblr (Ging 2019). Reddit provides a supportive
environment spanning an array of topics, including involuntary celibacy. However,
“incel” has assumed a radically more complex meaning than “involuntary celibate.”
It is often associated with misogyny, alt-right sentiments, and anti-feminist view-
points (SPLC 2018). Although not all incels discuss violent thoughts, nor are ide-
ologically homogenous, recent mass media attention has been given to those who
identify as incels and perpetrate violent crimes against women. Due to these violent
attacks by self-described incels, it is crucial to understand their motivations, how the
incel ideology influences actions, and how to combat such harmful thought patterns
that are rooted in misogyny.
Although there have been substantive reviews of sexuality (e.g., Boislard et al.
2016), there is scant literature surveying the sexual identity of involuntarily celi-
bate people. A New Zealand survey of men and women, which provided open-ended
responses asking about sexuality, had at least one response option of “involuntary

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1856 D. Maxwell et al.

celibate female” within the “celibate/virgin” category, representing just 0.2% of their
sample (Greaves et al. 2017). Given the gap in current literature around the develop-
ment of an incel identity and the meaning of that identity, the goal of this research
was to investigate the meaning and shared experiences of people who self-define
as “incels”. The specific research question for this study was: “what are the shared
experiences, sentiments, and expressions of people who self-define as incels?”

Methods

Epistemological and Methodological Approach

Due to scant theoretical or qualitative literature on those who define themselves as

incels, thematic content analysis was chosen as the analytic method since it oper-
ates from a grounded theory foundation (Braun and Clarke 2006). Epistemologi-
cally, a constructionist approach drove this analysis since experience and meaning
are socially produced and reproduced, and as per Braun and Clarke (2006), “the
constructionist framework cannot or does not seek to focus on motivation or indi-
vidual psyches, but instead seeks to theorize the socio-cultural contexts, and struc-
tural conditions, that enable the individual accounts that are provided.” Given that
the researchers are in the social work field (three of which focus on violence against
women), and this investigation was motivated by that work, and a constructionist
epistemology was inherent to begin foundational research.

Sampling

Reddit is an online community comprised of forums, “subreddits” (denoted by r/

before the name of the subreddit), dedicated to a multitude of interests, politics,
humor, mental health and physical health issues, academic discussions, news, and
more. Within these subreddits exists a forum dedicated solely to discussions of
“involuntary celibacy” called r/Braincels. At the time of the data extraction, r/Brain-
cels had 34,300 subscribers subscribed to see daily posts from the subreddit. The
“front page” is the page viewed by those who go to the Reddit website without sign-
ing in, and the posts there are visible based on “upvotes” by the community.
Using Reddit for qualitative data analysis is not new, and as such, this study
followed the methodological guidelines set forth by Caplan and Purser (2019)
by obtaining data from Reddit and identifying specific extraction criteria. As per
Caplan and Purser’s guidelines, a research question was identified initially as “what
are the shared experiences, sentiments, and expressions of people who self-define
as incels” following the discovery of the Braincels subreddit by one of the research-
ers. The institutional review board was consulted, and it was communicated that no
official IRB approval was needed since the data being acquired was de-identified did
not require a “log-in” to acquire.
Next, a central post was chosen to provide data for the analysis. We opted to
choose the first post that contained at least 100 comments which addressed the

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“A Short Story of a Lonely Guy”: A Qualitative Thematic Analysis… 1857

research question. The top post on June 2, 2018, was the post chosen for the analysis
as it discussed incel experiences. This post was also “pinned,” meaning it was meant
to serve as a banner for the community. Other posts within the Braincels subreddit
for that day included memes and discussions about women choosing more conven-
tionally attractive men. Although these threads have a value related to the popula-
tion, the top post was chosen due to its relevance to the research question, popularity
within the Subreddit, and the prior outlined research approach. Caplan and Purser
(2019) suggest choosing the methodological approach for extracting comments such
as only choosing top posts, or sorting posts by “controversial.” For this study, we
chose to include all comments within the thread to increase data depth, including the
initial text post for an n = 834.

Analysis

Following Caplan and Purser’s lead, researchers sorted the comment threads into
individual documents based on level one comments, or initial comments directly
relating to the initial text post. This sorting resulted in the coding of n = 122 original
documents. The documents were then imported into [Link] (v.8.1). Following the
lead of Braun and Clarke (2006) on thematic analysis, inductive coding started with
in-depth familiarization of the data by three of the researchers. The three researchers
included two women researchers and one man researcher. This team was intention-
ally chosen to balance any inherent bias the women may have against incel ideol-
ogy and to allow for male perspective in the coding process. After an initial read-
through, the researchers conducted a more in-depth read-through which documented
notes and ideas within [Link] (v.8.1). After familiarization with the documents,
the researchers initial coding used an inductive approach. Researchers documented
every possible interesting theme or pattern in the initial coding process. The codes
were then separated into themes and subthemes during multiple meetings and dis-
cussions, with consensus by three researchers. Following that, researchers refined
the relevance of themes by comparing the themes to the entire data set as a whole
(Braun and Clarke 2006). Then, the team named themes for coherent reporting of
the results.

Results

Four themes emerged during the coding and triangulation process. The themes are
(1) what “Stacy” wants, (2) “Chad”: The socially constructed masculine identity,
(3) Not all men, but all women, and (4) “Normies” do not understand. The themes,
along with their accompanying subthemes, are presented.

What “Stacy” Wants

Throughout the Reddit thread, the commenters made multiple references to a female
trope they created called “Stacy.” To the commenters on this thread from the incel

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1858 D. Maxwell et al.

community, “Stacy” represented the ideal female who to them was unobtainable.
She appeared to be the epitome of beauty, a “ten” as some commenters described
her, and lacking in depth or complexity. They describe “Stacys” as only liking
attractive men with financial resources. The commenters use the picture of “Stacy”
to represent what women are and their perceptions of what women want.

What Women Are

The commenters used the trope of “Stacy” to articulate their views on women. Sev-
eral commenters noted that women are only interested in themselves, so there was
no point in seeking a relationship with a woman. One commenter said, “But that’s
the point. Most of the girls want to talk about themselves, they are utterly uninter-
ested in what we have to say, what we like.” This view of women as conceited led
to further comments that women only use men for their gain. One commenter said,
“When will you learn that female nature is toxic… pretty much all females only care
about themselves and they are fake in looks and personality. You said she is nice but
she is fake nice.” Commenters from the incel community felt that since women were
self-absorbed and toxic to men, there was no point in seeking a relationship with a
“Stacy.”
The commenters also described women as hypersexual beings who will have sex
with anyone. One commenter said, “There are those [women] out there who will/can
fuck anything that moves.” In addition, another commenter described a “Stacy’s”
sexual exploit saying, “Get this. Stacy lets herself get choked slammed into the wall,
taken in every position hung with rope cuffed, spit at pissed on and sometimes in all
three holes at once by goodlooking creepy mysogonist assholes who pursue sex as
much as an incel would. And Stacey begs for it.” For commenters, “Stacys” were
women who would engage in risky sexual acts with multiple partners. Comment-
ers also discussed strategies for attracting women which revealed their beliefs that
women are vapid, sexual beings. One commenter explained his strategy to finding
sexual partners through various internet chatrooms saying,
With me being a total loser ugly NEET, it’s fairly easy to find girls on Skype,
Discord, VRChat or whatever who will masturbate or cam nude for you just
because they’re horny sluts. A lot of them are pretty hot too, and they’re almost
all young. This is an arena where your personality is actually the prime factor,
since every girl who I’ve done this with has gotten naked on camera for me (or
at least masturbated with her mic open) before ever seeing what I look like…
All girls are sluts, and this is no exaggeration; if you are interested and can tell
they are, being openly sexual toward her can almost never hurt you.
Commenters believed that women were hypersexual and capable of manipulation
given their lack of depth and intelligence.
In addition to describing women as hypersexual, many of the commenters
described women using a numerical rating system. The system seemed to range
from one to ten with ten being the ideal level of attractiveness. Reducing women to
numbers allowed members of the incel community to articulate who they were able
to approach and who was unobtainable. One commenter described his frustration

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“A Short Story of a Lonely Guy”: A Qualitative Thematic Analysis… 1859

over only being able to receive attention from women with lower numbers saying,
“I worked in a bar for 2 1/2 months and only girls who asked for my numbers were
fat chicks and cougars…the ugly type. I did bang 2 fat chicks from there though and
made both of them eat my ass and they did it for the first time. One was a solid 4 and
the other was a 3 at best.” Several commenters rated themselves with lower numbers
and expressed frustration that women of higher numbers would not approach them.
One commenter offered advice to his peers saying,
That’s the real problem here. It’s very hard to get with someone that is hot-
ter than yourself as a man. You’ve have to be very successful or interesting in
other ways to be able to reach a level higher…. I’m a good looking guy and I
can match 6 s and 7 s fairly easily, but rarely do I get an 8 or 9. I never match
the 10 s, ever… Moral of the story is that if you are fugly then you’re retarded
to go after girls that are attractive, let alone beautiful.
The numerical system served the dual purpose for the incels. They were able to
describe to their peers the appearance of the women they were able to engage sexu-
ally with and it also offered the incels a practical way to rate themselves against
potential partners.
Finally, the incels described “Stacy” and women like her as evil and conniving.
Many incels felt that women were manipulative and toxic to men. One commenter
said,
I’ve come up with a theory why femoids are so toxic to ugly men who mostly
can do no harm calling us i.e. rapists. While most of incels never even touched
a girl sexually before… It’s because manhate misandry lingers in the back-
ground of any femoids mind. Therefore any tiny little bit of excuse they can
find it’s like gasoline to be lightened and fuel for femoids to indulge in their
rage against all men. Though they try keep it specific to one scapegoat (i.e.
incels).
Other commenters explained that women are not only evil, but society is supportive
of women’s evil treatment of men. One commenter said, “Women aren’t the holy
grail grand prize you think they are dude, they are humans. Capable of good and
evil, just like any of us. Well, aside from the fact that when women do evil, society
rationalizes it.” Commenters on this thread believed that women are manipulative
and society is structured in a way that allows women to get away with their evil
treatment of men.

What Women Want

In addition to articulating their views of who “Stacy” is, the commenters also gave
their perspectives on what they believe “Stacys” want in a partner. Several comment-
ers explained that women are only interested in men that have material resources.
They explained that women want men who have money to take care of them and
buy them material gifts. One commenter said of women, “She’ll spread her legs and
take it in exchange for resources…up until she starts having headaches every night.”

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1860 D. Maxwell et al.

Another commenter described what he called the “holy trinity” of female attraction.
He explained,
High value is determined by something an OG incel friend of mine used to
call the holy trinity of Money-Sex-Power… So, women want a man who has
a significant amount of wealth (Money), physical attractiveness (Sex), or sta-
tus (Power). These things are what women judge when determining a man’s
“value.”
In addition to their beliefs that women prefer wealthy men, incels also commented
on the physical attributes that women like “Stacy” look for in a partner. Many com-
menters had expressed their beliefs that women are only interested in men who
are taller or bigger them. One commenter related, “Women, more than girls, want
another father. They want to be dwarfed in size by a man with mature-looking facial
features.” Because they believe women only want men of large stature, many com-
menters explained they were incapable of attracting a woman because they are of
small stature. One commenter said, “But being skinny as a male means literally
ZERO women will fuck you, stigma or not. Women are so ridiculous that they prefer
unhealthy body types to healthy ones. Spare me the ‘there’s a stigma around being
fat in our society.’ There should be.”
From the comments, many incels believed that women are only interested in large
men with sophisticated features who have financial and material resources. The com-
menters expressed frustration and anger with “Stacy” and women like her because
they believed that “Stacy’s” preferences prevent them from obtaining a partner.

“Chad”: The Socially Constructed Masculine Identity

The incel commenters on the Reddit thread utilized a male trope called “Chad” to
visually represent their beliefs concerning the socially constructed masculine iden-
tity; one which attracts “Stacy” and women like her. The commenters describe
“Chad” as the male ideal with robust features, looming stature, and financial
resources. “Chad” is the man that all women want. Several commenters noted that
incels receive different reactions from women than “Chad” purely because of their
appearance. One commenter said, “Silent Chad is a good listener. Silent incel is a
creepy fuck”. Another agreed by saying, “The difference between being creepy and
being smooth is decided by how attractive you are.” The incels believe there are dif-
ferent standards for “Chad” and women are more likely to go for “Chad” because it
is what society labels as the perfect mate. One commenter described the standards as
privilege saying,
Money is material privilege, attractiveness social privilege. Ugly rich dude?
Has a lot of nice things. Is lonely. Can’t blame him for hording his money and
being a scrooge. I would. Attractive and rich? Literally American Psycho and
people will love you for it. Attractive and poor? Ok you might have to work
but in general you’ll have friends, relationships, and possible opportunities to
escape poverty. Ugly and poor? “Noooo don’t kill yourself guy. You still have

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a good 30 years of wage slavery worth in you. BUT YOU’RE NOT ENTI-
TLED.
Since the commenters believed there are different rules for “Chad,” they expressed
reasons for why they are better than “Chad,” but also they expressed their frustra-
tions that they will never be “Chad.”
Many incels commented on different aspects that make them “better” than
“Chad.” One commenter described “Chad” as a “fashion accessory” who is only
suitable for his looks. Other commenters described “Chads” as abusive partners that
women are blind to because they only look at his appearance. Another commenter
explained that “Chad” is only useful for his attractiveness which is biologically ben-
eficial to women, saying, “As for Chad, he thinks he is pimp because he won the
genetic lottery, and by default plays into the feminine biological strategy. He is a
pawn…. Incel is a blessing in disguise.” The commenters believe that “Chad” is fan-
tasy and is not useful for a lasting connection.
However, many commenters expressed frustration over their inability to be
“Chad.” Many of the commenters describe physical attributes that possessed that
made it impossible ever to be considered attractive. One commenter said, “When I
was younger I was convinced I would surely be able to attract some hot girls, after
all I could attract some girls I was not really attracted to so why shouldn’t it be pos-
sible to get a hot one as well? Turns out it never happened. It was not my character,
I am pretty sure. It was rather being a manlet at 5’8 and not having the best face and
bone size.” Another described his lack of confidence based on his appearance, say-
ing, “I don’t ever feel confident, I hate my entire being no matter what I change.”
Many incels felt that they were never going to be in a relationship because they are
unable to change their appearance to look like the socially constructed masculine
identity. Although incels found “Chad” to be useless and an unreal ideal, many
incels expressed their desire to be “Chad” because they believed that by acquiring
attributes that aligned with women’s socially constructed views of attractiveness
would make it possible for them to find a partner.

Not All Men, But All Women

In addition to expressing beliefs about men and women, incels also described how
their struggles to find romantic partners were challenging, mainly because they
did not want to date specific types of women. Often, commenters described their
struggle to find a relationship, while also placing stipulations on who they would be
willing to engage with sexually. For example, many incels commented they would
be unwilling to sleep with women who were considered lower numerical values of
attractiveness, women they described as “ugly,” and “fat” women. One commenter
explained he was “a tiny bit of a volcel” since he did not like women from his coun-
try because of their personalities. Other commenters described how going out with
“ugly” girls was a slippery slope. One commenter said,
It’s true I’d prefer dating someone around my own level but I’m not that fussy.
Problem is the ‘just date fat girls’ quickly becomes ‘just date fat, ugly girls’

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1862 D. Maxwell et al.

then ‘just date fat, ugly, older women’ and finally ‘just date fat, ugly, older
single moms/divorcees’. At which point, yeah, it’s better to be alone. You must
be smoking strong stuff to think (esp with today’s male thirst) those women
would be alone at their age if they had good personalities just because they are
fat.
In addition to placing stipulations on the type of women they would date, incels also
expressed their opinion that it is impossible for a woman to be an incel, given that
all women are capable of finding a partner. Women from a community called For-
ever Alone Women commented on this thread empathizing with the incels’ strug-
gles to find genuine connection and were quickly dismissed. One commenter said,
“I agree that FAW do exist. It’s just that they can never be incel. The terms are being
conflated. FA is a choice (volcel) while incel is not.” Many of the incels expressed
their beliefs that for women being involuntarily celibate was a choice based on their
narrow preferences for a male partner. They believed that if involuntarily celibate
women lowered their expectations, they would find a partner quickly. This belief
confirmed for the incels that involuntarily celibate women were women they were
not interested in dating since they did not truly understand what it was like to be an
incel.

“Normies” Don’t Understand

Often within the Reddit thread, there were dialogues between people within the
incel community and people outside the incel community. Commenters from out-
side the community would ask questions of incels to attempt to learn more about
the incel community and offer advice. The dialogues gave readers insights into the
struggles of incels and revealed what life as an incel is like, problems with advice
from outside the community, social isolation, and inappropriate responses to social
situations.

Incel is life

Many of the commenters offered glimpses into life as an incel. Their stories were
ripe with rejection, bullying, and misunderstanding. One commenter provided a
summary of different types of experiences and features which might lead someone
to become an incel, such as experienced with bullying because of physical disabili-
ties, their appearance or level of attractiveness, and their social ineptitudes. Ulti-
mately, the main argument from the majority of the commenters was they are not
attractive by society’s standards and are therefore left out of social interaction. One
commenter classified attractiveness as a social privilege saying,
Attractiveness leads to social privilege. Social privilege provides opportuni-
ties, learning events, life events, this plants confidence, confidence leads to
more of these events happening, which leads to life fulfillment, which is hap-
piness… “Incels” see another side to humanity that the socially privileged are
blind to. A lot of the world views incels possess is a direct result of this.

13
“A Short Story of a Lonely Guy”: A Qualitative Thematic Analysis… 1863

This lack of social privilege due to their perceived unattractiveness caused many
painful social interactions to take place. One commenter describes such an interac-
tion saying, “Ha. I remember I went up to a lady, and said, ‘Hi!’ And the look on her
face—she seemed completely shocked, like I had just murdered a dog in front of her.
I mean, she was shaking. Didn’t say a word. Being ugly is tough.” The rejection and
negative reaction incels receive is what they feel forces them into life as an incel.
Outsiders are unable to grasp what life is like as an incel because they do not face
the same social consequences daily. One commenter put it this way:
Exactly why communication between “normies” and incels is so difficult.
Their worlds are completely different. For uglies and cripples, just trying to
make new friends is an uphill battle. People generally are hesitant to even
socialize with such folks, and many simply WILL NOT open up to you. Just
making conversation is extremely difficult. Average folks aren’t faced with this
avoidance dynamic right from the word “hello”. It’s not like people are initially
friendly then turn cold later, which would be the typical pattern with someone
who has personality issues. They’re IMMEDIATELY cold and closed off.
This inability to understand the incel world led many commenters from outside the
incel community to offer advice which was perceived as not helpful or insulting.

Unsolicited Advice

Commenters from outside the incel community would often add to the thread their
opinions of how members of the incel community could improve themselves. Sug-
gestions included exercising to work on their physical appearance, getting a hobby
to entertain themselves, and taking classes to learn how to communicate better
socially. Whenever someone outside of the incel community offered advice, com-
menters from inside the incel community would clap back saying that outsiders do
not understand their struggles. One member of the incel community responded to
someone’s advice saying the solution to incels’ lack of social connection was “sim-
ple.” He described his life saying,
It took me years of therapy and psychological exercise and medication to sim-
ply function the bare minimum in society and hold conversation. I was non-
verbal and sometimes very catatonic-esque as a child. Id just Shut down when
I was over stimulated. Unfortunately I forgot how to do that. When I discuss
why I’m distressed no one ever gets it and only gives me their normal plati-
tudes and normie advice.
Many incels’ firmly believed that “normies” did not understand their daily struggles
and therefore the unsolicited advice was not helpful and at times, insulting.

Social Isolation

Also, many incels expressed their beliefs that “normies” did not understand the
levels of social isolation incels experience. Commenters from within the incel

13
1864 D. Maxwell et al.

community expressed frustrations over stereotypes that incels only want sexual inti-
macy. They explained that incels’ social isolation comes from being unable to form
a single, loving human connection. One commenter said,
But I can tell you this: incels aren’t after just sex. If they were, they’d be
content with just using escorts or prostitutes. But, by and large, they aren’t
– because what they really want is affection and a genuine emotional bond.
Some say that they wouldn’t care about sex as long as they could experience
love. Some even say that they would be happy if they could just have platonic
love instead of romantic love (some incels have very few friends or none at
all).
Many incels described their attempts to form social connections and their desire to
be in an intimate partnership; they also explained the impact their inabilities to for-
mulate partnerships had on the members of their families. Some incels commented
that their mothers are upset over their struggles and feel helpless. Others commented
on how they hated the feeling of disappointing their loved ones. This deep level of
social isolation led to many members of the incel community expressing thoughts of
suicide and wondering if anyone would miss them if they were to commit suicide.
For this reason, several commenters described their gratitude at finding the incel
community because they felt they finally found people with whom they could form
a connection. The Reddit thread gave them a place to express their frustrations and
find support.

Inappropriate Social Affect

Because many incels expressed extreme feelings of social isolation, many describe
social situations where they acted inappropriately due to the interaction being the
only positive human connection they may have for a while. These extreme reactions
often caused incels to lose potential relationships. One commenter described how
his request to walk a friend home went very badly to where she chose to no longer
speak to him. He says, “So, not only did I hear the rope screaming my name for the
next week or so, but I lost someone very kind and friendly who was never quite as
nice ever again. And yet, those 40 min still are the happiest I’ve been in months.”
Commenters from outside the incel community called his reaction disproportionate
given that it was one attempt to forge a romantic connection. However, for this com-
menter, that fact not only did he face rejection, he also lost the opportunity to have
a friendship caused him to consider suicide. Another commenter described his reac-
tion to a simple smile from a girl saying,
I can’t help it, if I’m walking to class and I hold open the door for a girl and
she smiles at me and says “thanks” I melt inside and think about what our kids
would look like and how kind and caring she must be. Is it creepy? Probably,
but I just say “no problem” and continue walking so at least they don’t know
about what I think. I really can’t help it, after a week or two of never talking to
any women and one smiles at me I’m completely infatuated.

13
“A Short Story of a Lonely Guy”: A Qualitative Thematic Analysis… 1865

The incels explained that extreme social isolation caused them to view every inter-
action as their only chance at a connection with another human being. In another
dialogue within the thread, some members of the incel community engaged with
a member from outside of the community to debate women’s experiences of rape
and incels’ experiences with isolation. The member from outside the community
expressed there is no comparison between rape and isolation, given that rape is a
crime that is committed against another person. A member of the incel community
replied saying:
Also, most guys who cannot “get sex” would gladly volunteer to get raped if it
meant they could have regular sex later. One painful experience does not com-
pare to a lifetime of pain, and it is insulting that people try to paint rape as the
end-all be-all of suffering, especially when it involves an otherwise pleasur-
able activity. Plenty of things are worse, like getting stabbed for one.
While this view was not representative of the entire incel community, it gave an
insight into the mindset of incels and the potentially harmful consequences of
extreme social isolation.

Fitting In or Falling Out

Often throughout the thread, conversations would take place between those who
were current members of the incel community and former members of the commu-
nity who left the incel community for various reasons. Former incels often expressed
concern for current incels and called the incel viewpoint “toxic” and “manipulative.”
Former incels described the effects being an incel had on their self-confidence and
how incel views kept them from engaging socially. One commenter told a story
about a friend of his saying,
I had a friend who had no problem with women, but after his last breakup he
started visiting r/incels. Started calling himself a manlet and “subhuman.” He’s
short, and not conventionally attractive, but used to get lots of chicks. Now he
doesn’t seem to have any confidence and has given up. If it has that kind of
impact on someone who was a definitive ladies man, I can only imagine the
impact these kinds of forums have on people who are ALREADY struggling
with women. It’s really a breeding ground for defeat.
Incels responding to these stories of former incels were often dismissive saying that
the commenter was not an incel regardless. The mindset they presented was either
they fit in with the incel world view, or they were outside of the incel community.
Many incels expressed beliefs that once a person is an incel, they are always an
incel due to society’s constructed views of attraction and women’s vapid tendencies.
However, several former incels shared their success stories since leaving the incel
community. One commenter said:
Yes. Incels are reserved socially. My point is that you can learn to NOT be. I
DID IT! and so can anyone without a psychological condition. I went from vir-
gin at 28, to someone that dates. I’m still NOT completely out and I still fall in

13
1866 D. Maxwell et al.

the awkward pit every now and then, but I deal with rejection better now. For
example if I have to rely on my looks alone like in online dating, I have very
little luck.
From these stories, it is clear that it is possible to leave the incel community. How-
ever, current members of the incel community inflicted anger upon those who left.

Discussion

This study used Reddit to gain insight into the meaning of the incel identity and the
experiences and beliefs of members of the incel community. Analysis of the Reddit
thread revealed two tropes within the incel community, “Stacy” and “Chad”, which
represent ideals of masculinity and femininity. In addition, these results highlight
the hypocrisy within the incel community regarding their unwillingness to engage
in relationships with socially undesirable women whilst complaining about women
who won’t engage in relationships with incels because they are perceived as socially
undesirable. Finally, these results demonstrate that members of the incel community
feel misunderstand and rejected, which can contribute to a radicalized identity due
to social isolation.
The commenters within the incel community demonstrated many deep-seated
negative beliefs about women and the role of women in society. Women are depicted
as vile, toxic, evil creatures who manipulate and destroy men. They are described as
willing to committing graphic sexual acts with attractive men who are financially
wealthy or in a powerful role in society. These beliefs appear to be a reaction to
the rejection incels experience. Incels believe they are involuntarily celibate purely
because women will not sleep with them. This creates the false belief that women
are to blame for their loneliness and isolation. Thereby contributing to narratives
which describe women negatively. Further, incels are spurred on my other mem-
bers within the community to talk about women negatively (Tsikerdekis 2013).
This hostility towards women has the potential to lead to violence against women
as demonstrated by the violent act by a self-professed incel in Toronto (Joseph and
Abedi 2019). Careful attention and intervention is needed to address incels beliefs
surrounding women and their propensity to commit violent acts due to their beliefs
(Baker 2016; Southern Poverty Law Center 2018).
In addition to their negative beliefs about women, incels also demonstrated a
double standard in regards to attracting a romantic partner. Incels within the com-
ments articulated disgust and hatred for the “Chads” in society. However, the also
wished they could be more physically attractive in order to gain attractive female
partners. Incels expressed disgust at the thought of having to settle for a less atttrac-
tive female partner, such as a member of the female incel group Forever Alone. This
dissonance to patriarchal standards, demonstrated by their disavowel to the patriar-
chal imposition of male attractiveness standards while simultaneously adhereing to
patriarchal standards of beauty for women, prompted the incels to insist that societal
pressures for attractiveness and sexual desirability are harmful to their mental health
yet that belief was inconsitent with their commodification of women. This double

13
“A Short Story of a Lonely Guy”: A Qualitative Thematic Analysis… 1867

standard creates a situation in which incels further isolate themselves by reducing

their views of available partners to only attractive women, who are potentially out of
their league in regards to romantic attachment. Incels negative beliefs about women
as well as their disgust in forming romantic attachments with women who are poten-
tially less attractive based on socially constructed standards creates an impossible
situation for incels and further contributes to their anger and isolation (Adamczyk
2017).
Finally, incels crave acceptance from not only romantic partners but by the com-
munity. However, the results reveal that when outsiders or “normies” attempt to gain
understanding about the experiences of those who identify as incels, they are often
met with hostility and dismissal. This hypocrisy creates a spiral in which incels are
continually expressing experiences of isolation and loneliness while simultaneously
rejecting those from outside the incel community who wish to understand and sup-
port them. This co-rumination of negative feelings of loneliness can increase feel-
ings of isolation and depression (Rose 2002; Rose et al. 2017). This spiral also cre-
ates a radicalization process which is outlined within the comments.

The Incel Radicalization Process

These results illuminate a pattern of social rejection, pain, hopelessness, and anger.
Based on these results, self-defined incels undergo a process of cyclical thought pat-
terns that are based on the pressures of societal-imposed patriarchal standards of
masculinity. See Fig. 1 for a visual representation of this cycle. First, incels seek to
attract a romantic partner. This begins by first weighing the cost (i.e. potential rejec-
tion) and benefits (i.e. intimacy, sex, relationships) of attracting a female partner.
This cost–benefit analysis begins with considering patriarchal standards of both men
and women which incels perceive as unobtainable. The masculine ideal, “Chad,”
pressures men to fit into a category of rigid masculinity which is tightly defined
as one wherein one must have a physically fit body, be of substantial stature, and
fit facial attractiveness. In addition to conventional attractiveness, this patriarchal
ideal also imposes personality traits such as “alpha” status; a person that is charis-
matic, outgoing, confident, and most importantly, based on hegemonic masculinity,
asserts dominance over men and women (Connell and Messerschmidt 2005; Ging
2019; Grazien 2007). The commenters expressed the importance of these traits at
attracting a romantic partner, frequently explaining that without them, it was wholly
impossible. Similarly, incels express desires to attract female partners who conform
to patriarchal standards of beauty and who are known as “Stacys”. “Stacy” or the
feminine ideal is best exemplified by women who lack depth, are hypersexual crea-
tures, and are physically attractive. Using these perspectives, they weigh the poten-
tial outcome of rejection against their desire to fulfill the masculine expectations of
romantic partnering.
From here, the themes of “what Stacy wants” and “not all men, but all women”
highlight the reaction to romantic rejection. Incels describe being unable to achieve
the masculine ideal necessary to attract an ideal female and thus experience roman-
tic rejection. This rejection activates one of two responses which are indicative of

13
1868 D. Maxwell et al.

Incel attempts to attract

sexual partner by
conducting a cost-benefit
analysis to determine
potential gain

Incel experiences
loneliness and seeks Incel experiences romantic
attention to escape social rejection
isolation

Incel responds based on

adult attachment style:
• Anxious-preoccupied :
reduces men and
women to “Stacys” and
“Chads”
• Dismissive-avoidant
response response:
becomes radicalized
through anger towards
women

Fig. 1  Incel radicalization process

the incel’s adult attachment style and contribute to their disengagement from roman-
tic partnerships. Incels either respond with an anxious-preoccupied response, which
can manifest in negative views of self due to the incels’ inability to meet the ideal
standards of masculinity, or a dismissive-avoidant response which can manifest in
anger or frustration when their needs for attachment are unmet (Read et al. 2018).
The commenters in this study demonstrated their disengagement from romantic tar-
gets in two ways: within the theme of what “Stacy” wants, they reduced conven-
tionally attractive women to people who lack complexity and are only interested in
partners that are also conventionally attractive, have money, or are otherwise defined
as “Chads”. It seems this response acts as a coping mechanism to protect them from
pain. If women are only interested in the certain ideal criteria that incels do not pos-
sess, then women are to blame for involuntary celibacy, not incel men. The com-
menters further justify their disengagement within the theme of not all men, but all
women when they describe how patriarchal standards of beauty are detrimental to
them while simultaneously engaging in applying those standards to women. For

13
“A Short Story of a Lonely Guy”: A Qualitative Thematic Analysis… 1869

example, incels discussed how patriarchal definitions of masculinity can cause harm
because they reduce male attractiveness to a small set of standards based on physi-
cal appearance and financial prowess. However, the very same commenters would
also apply patriarchal standards of femininity and mention how they “do not want
fat chicks” or reduce women to a numerical representation of physical attractiveness.
Through this hypocrisy of the patriarchal constructions of attractiveness, they are
again avoiding potential rejection and pain by merely eliminating themselves from
the playing field.
This avoidance and ambivalence leads to social isolation, and the commenters
were deeply isolated. The pain of rejection from society, along with active avoidance
to reduce that pain created social isolation not just from women, but also from peers
and even job opportunities. This isolation prompted a unique online groupthink per-
petuated within the Reddit community. Through this online community, collective
identity as “incel” was created. This incel identity, and how toxic and cyclical the
thought process is, has been previously documented (Ging 2019).
What starts as an honest attempt to escape their seemingly severe social isolation
and connect with others, as evidenced by the thoughtful and sincere attempt of the
original commenter to connect with others about their experiences and seek sup-
port and understanding from others about what may have happened between him
and the woman he attempted to get closer to, quickly devolves into a community
hostile to outsiders. Based on the exchanges between incel and “normie” comment-
ers, it appears the incel community has created a space for connection for those
who are not “Stacys” or “Chads”. Further, members of the incel online community
seek dominance over “Stacys” and “Chads” and use the security of online anonym-
ity to describe tactics to achieve dominance. Problematically, it is during this bid
for dominance that the commenters become more aggressive and potentially patho-
logical with their ideas. This space is where newer, younger, or more easily influ-
enced, “weaker,” or lower-ranking members of the incel community may be swayed
to adopt more dangerous ideologies regarding romantic relationships and the roles
of men in society. Alternatively, it could be that some incel commenters may be
responding with such inflammatory and seemingly offensive messages in order to
receive much wanted and needed attention from people both inside and outside of
the incel community. Attention of any kind is better than apathy, indifference, and
complete disregard. The extreme comments may be a great example of what hap-
pens when a person is rejected, repeatedly from social inclusion and interaction,
especially with something so innate as sexual drive and something that may be an
integral part of late adolescent and young adult development.

Further Thoughts

As feminist researchers, it is crucial for us to describe our feelings and approaches

to this study. We felt it necessary to add in a male perspective for the analysis and
reporting process the women researchers were often profoundly disturbed by the
content of the transcripts. Besides, it was often hard for us to separate our personal
views as women from the real voices of the commenters. As such, we feel that

13
1870 D. Maxwell et al.

having a male perspective was helpful to position the lens of this study and article
in such a way that is wholly social work; recognizing that people are a product of
their environments, interactions, and life experiences and are experts in their own
lives. Even though the male researcher also identifies as a feminist, as many men do,
his experiences with growth, development, and sexuality as a man was something
that contributed significantly to the analysis of the content. This perspective also
provided the women researchers perspective to evaluate the comments through com-
passionate and theoretical perspectives, which grew the implications for both further
research and social work interventions. That said, we want to reiterate our hesitation
in reporting this, merely as we did not want to appear to endorse the sentiments of
the commenters or give credence to their viewpoints on women. Instead, we saw
this as an opportunity to investigate individual experiences to evaluate potential
early interventions for those who share the sentiments of incels within Reddit to
reduce the cyclical nature of groupthink, thoughts towards women, and even poten-
tial violence.

Limitations

These findings should be received in light of a few notable limitations. Foremost,

online personas are performative, and as such, comments made within online
forums may not fully represent the complexity and full personality of the person
making a comment (Moore et al. 2017). However, online sharing can also be a plat-
form wherein people are more authentic with their feelings, particularly with highly
stigmatized issues, such as sexuality, as communal normalization may take place,
and therefore it is possible that people are more likely to be honest on group plat-
forms (Trondsen and Tjora 2014). Additionally, there are other well-known limita-
tions of using social media data. Reddit users are anonymous, and therefore, demo-
graphic data is limited to site-based statistics (Caplan and Purser 201). There are
also methodological limitations, which include selection bias and emotional conta-
gion (Janssens and Kraft 2012). Relatively, we recognize that as feminist scholars
this is approached from our perspectives, and therefore, the transferability of these
findings may be limited.

Implications

There are several critical implications for practice and research that come from this
investigation. First, people need people. For optimal development and health across
the lifespan, people need to connect and belong. Therefore, creating healthy and safe
therapeutic spaces for people experiencing involuntary celibacy is vital to healthier
individuals, relationships, and communities. The reaction to social and romantic
rejection that incel commenters display becomes maladaptive and disproportion-
ate to the experience which prompts generalization of gender roles and reduction of
women to a numerical representation of conventional attractiveness. Chronic loneli-
ness perpetuates a feedback loop of perceptions of negative social interactions that
then negatively paint the person’s perceptions of the entire group they had hoped to

13
“A Short Story of a Lonely Guy”: A Qualitative Thematic Analysis… 1871

interact with (Cacioppo and Hawkley 2009). Addressing these maladaptive thought
patterns may help incels, and potential incels reduce harmful thoughts and poten-
tially violent expressions. The commenters discussing that they “left” the incel iden-
tity indicate there is a way out of the cyclical thinking that the comments contained
in this study discussed. Clinicians can assess for incel identity and utilize cognitive
behavioral therapy to address these thought patterns.
Furthermore, since the commenters discussed the need of community and shared
experience, it is possible that group therapy would be appropriate for incels to pro-
cess their feelings of loneliness, social isolation, and rejection, and adherence to
toxic masculinity. Online therapeutic platforms are particularly useful for popula-
tions that feel anxious about social interactions (Littleton et al. 2016; Richards et al.
2013). Since a majority of the incel identity and processing occurs on the internet,
and they discuss discomfort with social situations, it opens up a potential for clini-
cians to develop and use internet-based CBT groups.
Since sexual intimacy is a function of social health and lack of desired sexual inti-
macy can contribute to poorer mental health outcomes (Kalra et al. 2015) it indicates
that sexuality is an intrinsic facet of our social health. Furthermore, comprehensive
education to pre-teens and adolescents that target healthy relationships and healthy
gender perspectives may be of use to prevent such ideological movements. Further
investigations into sexual functioning as it relates to social isolation is needed. Nota-
bly, gender differences in responses to involuntary celibacy and cultural gender roles
may be different based on prescribed gender norms. For instance, men who endorse
masculinity roles more strongly are more likely to have dysfunction regarding social
attachment, emotional awareness, and interpersonal relations (Levant et al. 2003).
As such, investigation into gender-specific responses to involuntary celibacy may
illuminate interesting findings that can help the development of intervention models
that include healthy sexual development as it relates to patriarchal constructs and
misogyny.
Further intervention may take place through internet monitoring or organization
education regarding incel ideology. There is some literature indicating that facets of
the U.S. military, the Air Force, in particular, are training individuals on the incel
ideology to create peer accountability regarding maladaptive behaviors and expres-
sions towards women (Keller 2019). Further, the Air Force was attempting to edu-
cate their commanders on the behaviors of incels to attempt to reduce instances of
incel-incited violence (Keller 2019). Similar trainings covering behavior patterns of
incels that may prompt violence, which is supported by our findings, may be benefi-
cial to a multitude of disciplines, including mental health professionals, law enforce-
ment, and even faculty at schools.

Conclusion

Social and romantic rejection contribute to a cycle of social isolation, and incels
engage in negative thought patterns that lead to the objectification of women and
sometimes violence. The incel identity furthers social isolation as it allows individu-
als to engage in active avoidance. Social worker and practitioners with a diverse set

13
1872 D. Maxwell et al.

of therapeutic skills may be uniquely equipped to create therapeutic interventions

for incels. Relationship education efforts for pre-teens and adolescents can be devel-
oped by school social workers that may target some of the ideology associated with
incels.
Additionally, advocating for policy level change on targeting those who exhibit
red flags of incel ideology online to head off violence. Although incels derive social
connection for online platforms, the world of the internet fosters maladaptive beliefs
and increases feelings of isolation. Social workers, psychologists, and therapists
can create opportunities for connection, which may decrease incels’ reliance on an
online platform and generate points of intervention to decrease social isolation and
potentially violence against women.

Compliance with Ethical Standards

Conflict of interest The authors have no conflict of interests to disclose regarding this study.

Ethical Approval All procedures performed in studies involving human participants were in accordance
with the ethical standards of the institutional and/or national research committee and with the 1964 Hel-
sinki declaration and its later amendments or comparable ethical standards.

Informed Consent Informed consent was not obtained from all individual participants included in the
study because the comments were anonymous, and IRB deemed it not required.

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