Introduction
If you come across any special trait of meanness or stupidity . . . you must be
careful not to let it annoy or distress you, but to look upon it merely as an
addition to your knowledge—a new fact to be considered in studying the
character of humanity. Your attitude towards it will be that of the
mineralogist who stumbles upon a very characteristic specimen of a mineral.
—Arthur Schopenhauer
hroughout the course of our lives, we inevitably have to deal with a
variety of individuals who stir up trouble and make our lives
difficult and unpleasant. Some of these individuals are leaders or
bosses, some are colleagues, and some are friends. They can be
aggressive or passive-aggressive, but they are generally masters at
playing on our emotions. They often appear charming and refreshingly
confident, brimming with ideas and enthusiasm, and we fall under
their spell. Only when it is too late do we discover that their confidence
is irrational and their ideas ill-conceived. Among colleagues, they can
be those who sabotage our work or careers out of secret envy, excited
to bring us down. Or they could be colleagues or hires who reveal, to
our dismay, that they are completely out for themselves, using us as
stepping-stones.
What inevitably happens in these situations is that we are caught off
guard, not expecting such behavior. Often these types will hit us with
elaborate cover stories to justify their actions, or blame handy
scapegoats. They know how to confuse us and draw us into a drama
they control. We might protest or become angry, but in the end we feel
rather helpless—the damage is done. Then another such type enters
our life, and the same story repeats itself.
We often notice a similar sensation of confusion and helplessness
when it comes to ourselves and our own behavior. For instance, we
suddenly say something that offends our boss or colleague or friend—
we are not quite sure where it came from, but we are frustrated to find
that some anger and tension from within has leaked out in a way that
we regret. Or perhaps we enthusiastically throw our weight into some
project or scheme, only to realize it was quite foolish and a terrible
waste of time. Or perhaps we fall in love with a person who is precisely
the wrong type for us and we know it, but we cannot help ourselves.
What has come over us, we wonder?
In these situations, we catch ourselves falling into self-destructive
patterns of behavior that we cannot seem to control. It is as if we
harbor a stranger within us, a little demon who operates
independently
of our willpower and pushes us into doing the wrong things. And this
stranger within us is rather weird, or at least weirder than how we
imagine ourselves.
What we can say about these two things—people’s ugly actions and
our own occasionally surprising behavior—is that we usually have no
clue as to what causes them. We might latch onto some simple
explanations: “That person is evil, a sociopath” or “Something came
over me; I wasn’t myself.” But such pat descriptions do not lead to any
understanding or prevent the same patterns from recurring. The truth
is that we humans live on the surface, reacting emotionally to what
people say and do. We form opinions of others and ourselves that are
rather simplified. We settle for the easiest and most convenient story
to tell ourselves.
What if, however, we could dive below the surface and see deep
within, getting closer to the actual roots of what causes human
behavior? What if we could understand why some people turn envious
and try to sabotage our work, or why their misplaced confidence
causes
them to imagine themselves as godlike and infallible? What if we could
truly fathom why people suddenly behave irrationally and reveal a
much darker side to their character, or why they are always ready to
provide a rationalization for their behavior, or why we continually turn
to leaders who appeal to the worst in us? What if we could look deep
inside and judge people’s character, avoiding the bad hires and
personal relationships that cause us so much emotional damage?
If we really understood the roots of human behavior, it would be
much harder for the more destructive types to continually get away
with their actions. We would not be so easily charmed and misled. We
would be able to anticipate their nasty and manipulative maneuvers
and see through their cover stories. We would not allow ourselves to
get dragged into their dramas, knowing in advance that our interest is
what they depend on for their control. We would finally rob them of