30 JUNE 2022

YOU’RE GONNA
HAVE TO FACE IT,
YOU’RE ADDICTED TO…
SOMETHING.
By Ian Kirke | Twitter @ianjkirke

JUNE 2022 31
 Smugly tucking into my steak, I looked across As he commenced the litany of charges against wasn’t yet prepared to explore openly, let alone
the table at my dinner guest and uttered a me covering different terrains – business, admit to. I filed this enigma away, believing that
stunningly stupid question, “What made you an relationships, sex, and openness – he made a my behavior was in some way excusable, didn’t
addict?” My friend sublimely staved off any urge very persuasive pitch. really cause any harm, and was inconsistent
to punch me in the face and simply responded, My knowledge of his addictive behaviors with the general notion of dependence. Yet the
“You first. What made you an addict?” My was framed around the usual suspects – illicit one thing at which I was consistent was being a
enforced silence no doubt accompanied a drugs and alcohol – and up to this point I colossal and egotistical asshole.
puzzlement that gripped my face. I was then had nonchalantly and inaccurately formed My own unconscious bias had provided a
handed an incredible opportunity to learn from the opinion that addiction was a narrow safe haven where I could look disparagingly
my dispassionate companion. We had known consequence for those of a weaker, more at the plight of others whilst self-righteously
each other for a few years, and unbeknown to destitute disposition than I. What an arrogant closing my eyes to the wider implications of
me he had factored in my observable behaviors wanker I was, although this rude awakening compulsive behaviors. The trigger point for
and often indiscrete confessions before lay dormant for several years as, to be perfectly my reacquaintance with this latent cognitive
reaching the verdict that I was addicted to risk. honest, the term ‘addiction’ was a label that I conundrum was the very public portrayal of

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the relationship between Ghislaine Maxwell of ways. Humour, highs, and hedonism were this unerring statement.
and the late Jeffrey Epstein. There is enough countered by death, despair, and destruction. In
source information out there about this addition, as a professionally trained How did you become an addict?
couple ─ suffice to say that their behaviors practitioner, he was my ideal guide. Taking “No-one ever sets out to be an addict; I
were addictive and destructive. But here was a monumental deep breath, I asked my first certainly didn’t. My addiction was drugs. I
the twist. They were powerful, wealthy, and question and simply listened. never used drugs to block out the past or to
had a binding influence within the highest deal with trauma or as a learned behavior
echelons of society. They didn’t appear to be Was my dinner guest correct? Can from family. In fact, I had a great upbringing
pitiful, powerless, or puny. It was time to better addiction grip us all? and took drugs because I really, really fucking
understand how addiction takes hold, the signs, Rory drew such a deep breath that I was enjoyed them!” Rory’s emphatic smile withered
symptoms, and hopefully, salvation. convinced that the hitherto static window away almost instantly as he added, “Well at
I had been lucky to meet Rory and hear blinds adjacent to us fluttered for a brief least in the beginning.”
firsthand his moving story. He articulated his moment. Clearing his throat, he simply replied, “I grew up in the 1990s when the rave scene
own journey of addiction in the most animated “Yes,” nodding emphatically as if to reiterate was kicking off and the birth of the dance

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revolution began ─ something I understand addiction, you must bottom moment was bizarre. Of
still feel very proud of to this day, first understand dependency all the things that had happened
despite the path it put me on. because that’s the key motivator to me, this was, by contrast, quite
Back in the day coming down off and driver for addiction ─ well it mundane. I knew a mate – to
E’s, Whizz, and Acid after a three, certainly was for me.” be fair this is a loose term as he
sometimes four-night session, was simply some guy, I knew
wasn’t always easy, especially When did you realize would be scoring that day. I had
when you had work or college that you were addicted? to walk eight miles to his place
the next day. We often used other I wanted to better understand and during this infamous trek, I
recreational drugs like “draw,” the trigger points, assuming realized I had lost everything. I
the old slang for cannabis resin, that there were definable ones, stunk. I knew that certain people
and prescription meds that within an experience that would would eventually catch up with
someone had nicked off their inevitably purge cognitive me and I would be well and truly
nan.” Up until this disclosure, I reasoning of its usual ability to fucked. I tried to think of what
felt an immediate curiosity about keep us all away from the light I had left in my life. It was just
the dance scene and wanted of damaging temptation. I could drugs. They had become my best
to know more, but somehow comprehensively validate this friends. I’ll never forget that day.
the connection with my position given the periods of I was walking along this long
grandparents killed the moment. destruction my own addiction straight road where I had grown
I smiled at Rory, encouraging him had thrust upon my life. up and I broke down crying. I
to continue. “I don’t think you realize or remember an old lady asking if I
“Then it happened one night come to terms with being an was all right. That was it for me.”
back at a flat that we ended up addict, until your arse is hanging Seemingly out of nowhere
at; I was introduced to “Brown” out of your jeans, and you are Rory’s somber reflection was
(heroin). The fella who gave me queuing for your daily dose of overtaken by loud, joyous
some explained how it was great methadone! This is the point I laughter!
at bringing you back down. Of started to ask questions of myself “When I got to my friend’s
course, I lived up to my life motto and realized I had an addiction house, I think I had the
at the time, ‘I will try anything problem. My friends and family most emotionally intelligent
once’ ─ what a twat ─ and so the giving up on me and standing in conversation I’d ever had whilst
journey began.” the custody block at the police using! It was there that we
“Despite what the red-top station and realizing that the decided upon the plan to get me
papers and the news at the time sergeant was now a familiar into a methadone clinic.”
told you about ‘one hit and you’re figure in my life only reinforced Rory took stock and reflected
hooked,’ that isn’t actually how it this realization.” upon his current professional
works. Long story short ─ it took Rory talked about the concept role supporting addicts as they
about a year for me to realize of reaching “rock bottom,” seek to duplicate his transition
I had a problem with heroin confirming this place as the away from dependency. “In the
dependency.” most daunting yet liberating fifteen-plus years that I’ve been
“I was quite happy using moment. I too identified with privileged to work with people
heroin for a while, as I believed this notion. For me, it was a and their substance misuse when
its sole purpose was managing scary, embarrassing, and utterly we talk about addiction, we have
a come down; but once a week traumatic time where the ones to talk about dependency first, as
became twice a week, and so I loved became the unintended well as tolerance – what can your
on. Even at this point, I would victims. body take? For me, dependency
argue that I was not an addict. To “The realization of my rock is about the physical need to do

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 something to perform, whilst of my life.”
addiction is all the behaviors that Rory smiled broadly as he
wrap around dependency – so the recalled a key milestone in his
two become one.” In an instant, life, some years after he left
this definition clarified my own rehabilitation ─ buying his first
addictive tendencies and why car. “Ok it was an old banger, but
I had convinced myself, whilst it was mine! Bought and paid
sneering at those that in my for! I thought, ‘This belongs to
jaundiced opinion had the real me!’ This is something I have
addictions of drink and drugs, worked for.” He then paused for
that they were normal. a moment, with his glinting smile
morphing into a purse-lipped
How has addiction frown whilst reflecting upon his
framed your life? time in rehab. “I don’t use the
“This is a really interesting term ‘after I recovered.’ I have
question and for me it’s the one never deemed myself as recovered
that makes me feel really nervous due to my own beliefs and how I
when answering. I feel very lucky; deal with my past and my liking
many of my peer groups from for drugs.” This disclosure was a
when I was growing up are no relief for me since my own past
longer with us. In fact, there are had shaped me and, like Rory, I
only three of us left. One is still had reached a place where I was
actively using and the other one is content too. Perhaps the burying
quite unique as they knew when of the past would simply allow
to stop. For me addiction has those ghosts to rise again?
framed my life in a very strange “So why does this make me
way, and the reason I get nervous feel worried about saying this?
about this is that if it weren’t for I have family and friends who
my addiction I wouldn’t be where aren’t role model citizens, should
I am now – with an amazing wife, we say, and when I try and tell
two fantastic children, and paying them the wrongs and rights about
a mortgage ─ things I could’ve their behavior they say, “Well
never imagined at a certain time you have done alright out of it

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haven’t you?” That’s the bit that makes me nervous attacks. Emotionally I don’t think it ever leaves you.”
because in all of that I have been extremely lucky, I nodded, knowing that my own demons were still
but I have lost people to overdoses as a direct result there, but like Rory, the requisite release fuse had
of being on drugs. I had a friend who I grew up with burnt out long ago.
who went down a different route to me ─ supplying
drugs; he was found with his face missing in a layby. How does a person become addicted?
Things are brilliant now, but they haven’t always What biological events occur that
been.” make us dependent?
I coaxed Rory to explore the physical and “There are all sorts of theories and models that
emotional scars, since his use of the term ‘brilliant’ seek to explain addiction; for example – addictive
seemed at odds with his life narrative, by his own personalities. But quite frankly I think that’s a load
admission encountering some very dark places. of bollocks! Have I got an addictive personality? No
“In terms of the physical side, I never contracted different I guess to the next man, woman, or child! I
hepatitis C – I’d say that eighty percent of the think as humans we seek out behaviors that reward
people in my network with similar life stories did. and reinforce the chemistry in our brains, such as
I’ve also lost people I know to HIV. Emotionally?” dopamine that connects with that old fight or flight
Pausing momentarily, he continued in a more syndrome, and once we get rewarded with good
hushed tone, “Yeah, I still have user dreams. I still feelings, we yearn for them again. It’s primeval.”
wake up thinking that I have relapsed. I’ve been “However, you try to understand this and
off drugs a lot longer than I was on them now, but attempt to deal with it, whatever works for you
I still think back to those situations I have been in works for you! The feeling I got with drugs in the
and that does create anxiety that can lead to panic early days was simply fantastic! Even with heroin,
there is this immense feeling of Rory continued, “When equates to ─ you can never truly
being wrapped up in cotton wool. addiction happens the let your guard down whatever
What’s really weird about heroin acceleration of associated addiction became your ally ─
is that the first few times I tried behaviors can be frighteningly even me! This wise master was
it, I literally threw up. I couldn’t rapid. I remember meeting a chillingly right – you can never
keep anything down. But it didn’t teacher who had led a pretty totally unshackle yourself from
stop me from going back because sheltered life until they met some the ever-watching specter of
this nausea was completely and unsavory characters and lost addiction. And perhaps that is the
overwhelmingly counteracted their house and everything else symbiotic relationship any addict
by the incredible feelings that I within three months.” needs, to accept and celebrate the
got by taking it. The euphoria is mutually destructive outcome
short-lived, and you crash down, What treatments work of courting the wrong partner
creating the need once again. and can someone ever in crime, even if temptation
That’s when addiction takes totally break free of often dazzles with the most
hold.” addiction? seductive of sunsets and soothing
“If I knew the answer to this harmonies, whispering “One
Are there any potential one mate, I wouldn’t be driving more time won’t hurt…”
triggers that are a fucking Skoda that’s for My vilification of my dinner
more likely to create sure! This is the million-dollar guest all those years ago has
addictive behaviors? question.” never left my psyche and with
“I wouldn’t say triggers as such, Feeling a tad embarrassed, Rory’s candor, I was better
but the environment can play a I was nonetheless reassured by able to grasp the concept that
massive part. Deprivation often Rory that the numerous theories addiction covers a significantly
causes a sub-culture of drug use. and approaches boiled down to wider terrain than I had ever
Of all the people I have assessed, the pragmatic conclusion of ‘each imagined. Any dysfunctional and
although their individual stories to their own’ – meaning very excessive behavior born out of
are unique, the journeys are often the need to try several until dependence has the power to
relatively the same. Although one fitted. But I guess if the will ultimately corrupt, and those
many users hate the term, were stoked the wait could be like me who sought sanctuary
‘gateway drugs’ are enablers for negotiated. by conveniently calling out the
the harder, more dangerous “Whatever you are addicted notable villains of drink and
substances.” Rory mapped out a to, be it drugs, drink, sex, and drugs are perhaps the most
simple yet oh-so-familiar route yes risk, my advice is never write fraudulent and futile. Like a pot
─ drinking alcohol and smoking anything off. If the cap doesn’t fit, of brilliant white paint tainted by
weed at an early age. then don’t fucking wear it!” a few drops of black, a greyness
Collecting his thoughts, Rory Rory reflected upon a of character would always lurk,
agonized over those he had also conversation he once had with a patiently waiting to purge all the
met who had turned to drugs colleague after he had, by his own good by one reckless act of self-
following huge personal trauma admission, become overconfident indulgence.
─ rape victims, people abused in writing the concluding chapter The image of my nemesis
or neglected as children, and of his own journey after years of relentlessly working out, waiting
domestic abuse victims. Drugs addiction. This wise sage simply to take me on again has given
provided a way out. An effective declared, “Your relapse is waiting me a simple message. Is the risk
if temporary respite from those outside that door doing fucking worth it?
horrors the rest of us would push-ups, ready for you!”
perhaps never countenance. This uncomplicated lifehack

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