Chapter 8
November 20, 2003
Liking, Loving, Etc.
Liking vs. Loving
Follow along the lines of exchange vs. communal relationships
o Exchange—monitored equity
o Communal—equity trusted, not monitored
Important to love; proximity, similarity, and many of the factors that are also
important in liking
Definitions & Types of Love
Hatfield and Rapson
o Passionate-emotional, sexual, preoccupied; relatively short-lived
o Companionate-milder, more stable, trust/dependability/ warmth; long –
lasting
o Sternberg’s “Triangle of love”
Passionate—euphoria, sexual excitement
Intimacy—feeling understood, free to express
Commitment—loyalty, need to be w/ the other
Passion + Intimacy=romantic lovecompanionate (Intimacy +
commitment
Consummate love blends all three (rare)
Definitions & Types of Love
Hendricks &Hendricks Love styles
o Game-playing
Treating love like a game or a sport
o Possessive
Wanting to bind the partner to and endearing relationship
o Logical
Treating love as a practical, down-to-earth decision
o Altruistic
Sacrificing for love, putting partners happiness above your own
o Companionate
Loving affection, companionship, and friendship that develops
over time
o Erotic
Sheer physical excitement and sexual pleasure
Applying Gain-Loss Theory to Love
As we get to know people better, we know their faults—change from positive to
more even positive/negative (less desirable).
o Does personal behavior bear this out? Yes
As we expect rewards from our partner, their behavior toward us may be less
rewarding than that of a “stranger” (ceiling effect—how much more can we get?).
Initiating Close relationships
Clark & Hatfeild Study
o Male/Female differences—evolutionary pressures
o Differences minimal when long-term relationship is specified
o Rules of disclosure; norms of reciprocity
Level of disclosure equal for Male/Female
Types of disclosure & behavior different for male/female
Types of Marriages (Fiske)
Communal Sharing
o Merging of selves; sharing body, time, space values
Authority Ranking
o One spouse has control over the other and responsibility for the other
(status)
Equality Matching
o Spouses have equal rights, take turns, have distinct coequal personalities
Market Pricing
o Spouses give as few concessions as possible try to get best terms
Problem Behaviors
Possessive
o More often cited by men
Inconsiderate
o More often cited by women
Abusive
o More often cited by women
Neglecting
o More often cited by women
Active—Passive & Destructive—Constructive
Exit Voice Neglect Loyalty
Gottman’s Corrosive Behaviors
Complaining & Criticizing
o Bring up areas of disagreement; call attention to problems
Contempt
o Put down partner; show contempt w/ hostile humor, mockery, sarcasm
Defensiveness
o Communicate blamelessness; deny responsibility; attribute negative
feelings/attitudes to partner
Stonewalling
o Withdraw from interaction; do not look at partner or acknowledge partner
Authenticity in Communication
Showing negative elements makes us vulnerable
The alternatives to this may create new problems (Alice and Phil example in
book).
“Straight talk” is most effective, yet difficult to achieve:
o Direct & open
o Not allowed to fester, to second-guess
o Stating feelings vs. Judgement
o Validating
o Making bids for attention (signs of healthy relationship).