Topic 18: Do you agree that modern technology has given us more

leisure time than before?

At In the age of globalization, technology is of paramount importance in an

individual’s life. It is supposed that contemporary devices can bring us more
spare time than when they didn’t appear. As far as I am concerned, I agree
with this statement, as it is discussed in the following paragraph (1).

(1) 2 câ u nà y em có mộ t số chi tiết thừ a: "It is supposed that" và "As far as I am

concerned" có thể rú t gọ n lạ i, qua đó tố i ưu 2 câ u nà y thà nh 1 câ u. Trong khid
dó "bring us more spare time" diễn đạ t chưa hay.

=> In the age of globalization, technology is of paramount importance in an

individual's life. I align myself with the opinion that modern devices offer
people more spare time than ever before, as is discussed in the following
paragraphs.

Admittedly, today’s technology is gradually eroding our spare time because of

its swiftness and convenience (2). It is obvious that only one click on modern
devices can meet all our needs without going out or wasting much time
transferring as before (3). Meanwhile, people now are are now at a
crossroads whether to make up their minds to select their appropriate places
or to choose ones evaluated 5 stars on online webs or applications, such apps
as Shopee, Tiki, Lazada, to mention but a few (4). Besides, the excessive
dependence (chú ý chính tả) on up-to-date equipment deters their activeness
and diminishes their free time instead of entertaining or taking part in some
outdoor activities for entertainment and outdoor activities.

(2) Em chú ý ở đâ y "swiftness and convenice" đang là nhữ ng danh từ mang

tính tích cự c, mình khô ng thể để câ u mâ u thuẫ n như thế nà y.

=> At the outset, contemporary technology is gradually eroding our spare time
despite its speed and convenience.
(3) Câ u nà y củ a em có nhiều vấ n đề:
- Là m rõ luô n "modern devices" ở đâ y là gì. Đến thờ i điểm nà y củ a đoạ n thì
nên cụ thể thay vì chung chung.
- "All our needs" là phó ng đạ i quá mứ c. Bấ m trên mà n hình khô ng thể đá p ứ ng
TẤ T CẢ cá c nhu cầ u củ a con ngườ i.
- "Without going out" nên là m rõ đố i tượ ng theo hướ ng "without us going
out". Tuy nhiên trong câ u tố i ưu anh sẽ viết khá c để đả m bả o flow câ u.
- "Transferring" khô ng rõ nghĩa "travelling".

Ở (4), em viết câ u vụ ng khi dù ng cả "select" và "choose" vớ i nhau, khiến cho

câ u phứ c tạ p khô ng cầ n thiết, tự là m khó mình. Ta câ n lạ i độ dà i ý và viết luô n
ý (4) để tố i ưu đoạ n nà y như dướ i đâ y:

At the outset, contemporary technology is gradually eroding our leisure time

despite its swiftness and convenience. With only one touch on a screen,
individuals can access answers to virtually all questions or receive
suggestions for restaurants or places of interest without travelling or wasting
much time. However, these features overwhelm people with too many choices
and lead to confusion. For instance, this complexity arises when online
shoppers are inundated with diverse purchasing options that cater to their
needs rather than just two or three most suitable choices. Furthermore,
excessive dependence on up-to-date equipment deters people's activeness
and diminishes their time for entertainment and outdoor activities.

There is no denying that contemporary machinery has provided us with

various opportunities to get access to technological advances in a myriad of
various areas and make certain aspects of life more efficient (dùng "various"
thay cho "a myriad of" để tránh phóng đại vấn đề). Having some difficulties in
For example, when encountering difficulties in contemplating new ideas,
people can immediately inquire turn to modern applications for their needs
without beating their brains to streamline their brainstorming process (chú ý
rất hạn chế dùng idioms trong writing. "Inquire" là hỏi thăm, dò hỏi - không hợp
lý ở đây). Tasks which/ that used to take hours or days can now be completed
in minutes. Tools such as ChatGPT or Google, Coccoc and so forth are able to/
can give a hundred, even a thousand millions of answers with a high precision
(không nên đưa một ứng dụng chỉ phổ biến tại Việt Nam như Cốc Cốc vào làm ví
dụ, lại mất thêm công giải thích cho nó). It is modern technology that gives
people some more spare time and allows them to pursue some hobbies, spend
time with family and simply relax beside friends.

Em cầ n hạ n chế lạ m dụ ng cá c từ chỉ số đếm như "some". Đoạ n nà y xét lạ i độ

dà i cá c câ u, viết lạ i từ mở đoạ n để là m rõ tính đố i lậ p củ a 2 đoạ n, lượ c bỏ cá c
chi tiết thừ a và tố i ưu như sau:

In contrast, contemporary machinery has enabled us to integrate

technological advances into various areas and made certain aspects of life
more efficient. For example, when encountering difficulties in contemplating
new ideas, people can immediately turn to modern applications to streamline
their brainstorming process and complete tasks that used to take hours or
days. Meanwhile, tools such as ChatGPT or Google Search can give millions of
answers to a question with high precision. These instances prove that modern
technology has given people more spare time and allows them to relax, pursue
hobbies, and spend time with their families.

Another benefit obtained from modern-day devices is a straightforward

connection with distant relationships. Thanks to them, people take fewer
vacations and have/ while engaging in more daily communication than
before. A smartphone or laptop makes people accessible to their relatives
wherever they go and wherever they are. Besides, several educational
institutions now encourage their students to absorb worthwhile knowledge in
different forms of education, for instance, particularly online courses or
televised teaching, giving them more flexibility in managing an individual's
time time management.

From what has been discussed, the development of technology has some
drawbacks, but undeniably, with the aid of its counterpart, our daily life
becomes more and more convenient (5). It has the potential to provide us
with more leisure time, but its impact depends on how we choose to utilize
and manage it within the broader context of our lives.

(5) Câ u nà y củ a em có mộ t số vấ n đề:
- Dù ng độ ng từ "have" khô ng hay.
- Dù ng "undeniably" khô ng sai nhưng khiến câ u dù ng nhiều dấ u phẩ y quá ,
khiến cho mạ ch đọ c khô ng tố t.
- Khô ng dù ng "more and more" trong writing => increasing/ increasingly tuỳ
tình huố ng.

=> In conclusion, while the discussion highlights certain drawbacks of

technological development, it has significantly enhanced the convenience of
people's daily lives.

Như vậ y bà i nà y tố i ưu lạ i như sau:

In the age of globalization, technology is of paramount importance in an

individual's life. I align myself with the opinion that modern devices offer
people more spare time than ever before, as is discussed in the following
paragraphs.

At the outset, contemporary technology is gradually eroding our leisure time

despite its swiftness and convenience. With only one touch on a screen,
individuals can access answers to virtually all questions or receive
suggestions for restaurants or places of interest without travelling or wasting
much time. However, these features overwhelm people with too many choices
and lead to confusion. For instance, this complexity arises when online
shoppers are inundated with diverse purchasing options that cater to their
needs rather than just two or three most suitable choices. Furthermore,
excessive dependence on up-to-date equipment deters people's activeness
and diminishes their time for entertainment and outdoor activities.

In contrast, contemporary machinery has enabled us to integrate

technological advances into various areas and made certain aspects of life
more efficient. For example, when encountering difficulties in contemplating
new ideas, people can immediately turn to modern applications to streamline
their brainstorming process and complete tasks that used to take hours or
days. Meanwhile, tools such as Chatgpt or Google Search can give millions of
answers to a question with high precision. These instances prove that modern
technology has given people more spare time and allows them to relax, pursue
hobbies, and spend time with their families.

Another benefit obtained from modern-day devices is a straightforward

connection with distant relationships. Thanks to them, people take fewer
vacations while engaging in more communication than before. A smartphone
or laptop makes people accessible to their relatives wherever they go and
wherever they are. Besides, several educational institutions now encourage
their students to absorb worthwhile knowledge in different forms of
education, particularly online courses or televised teaching, giving them more
flexibility in time management.

In conclusion, while the discussion highlights certain drawbacks of

technological development, it has significantly enhanced the convenience of
people's daily lives. It has the potential to provide us with more leisure time,
but its impact depends on how we choose to utilize and manage it within the
broader context of our lives.