SCROOGE IN

ROUGE
AN ENGLISH MUSIC HALL CHRISTMAS CAROL

BOOK & LYRICS BY

RICKY GRAHAM

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL BY
JEFFERY ROBERSON

OTHER INTERESTING BITS BY

YVETTE HARGIS

ORIGINAL MUSIC COMPOSED BY

JEFFERSON TURNER

SHOW PERUSAL

06/28/21
 SCROOGE IN ROUGE
Copyright © 2017, Ricky Graham, Jeffery Roberson, Yvette Hargis, and Jefferson Turner All Rights Reserved

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SCROOGE IN ROUGE was originally presented at Le Chat Noir, New Orleans, Louisiana, on December 7, 2007. It was
directed by Ricky Graham; the costume design was by Cecile Casey Covert; the lighting design was by Su Gonczy; the
sound design was by Jason Knobloch; and the production stage manager was Brian Johnston. The cast was as follows:

ALFRED DA CAPPO ......................................................................... Jefferson Turner

CHARLIE SCHMALTZ ......................................................................... Ricky Graham
LOTTIE OBBLIGATO ................................................................... Varla Jean Merman
VESTA VIRILE ......................................................................................... Yvette Hargis
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 Scrooge in Rouge
Vocal Ranges

nœ
LOTTIE CHARLIE VESTA

bœ #œ
& & &
nœ nœ nœ
ALFRED

& nœ nœ
 Scrooge in Rouge
Scenes, Musical Numbers, Characters, Page Numbers

Act I

Scene 1.............................................................................................................................................1
Victoria, Alfred, Lottie, Charlie, Vesta, Scrooge

#1 Oh, The Things That You Can Never Ever See At Home (Lottie, Charlie)
#1B Oh, The Things That You Can Never Ever See At Home – Part 2 (Vesta,
Lottie, Charlie)
#1C Oh, The Things That You Can Never Ever See At Home – Playoff
(Underscore)
#2 Bah, Humbug! (Scrooge, Charlie, Lottie)

Scene 2............................................................................................................................................8
Lottie, Scrooge, Fred, Cratchit, Dowager, Voice of Marley

#3 Fred’s Entrance - Hi, Ho! (Fred)

#4 Bob’s Entrance – So Much Love (Cratchit)
#5 Dowager’s Scene - Put A Little Something In My Stocking (Dowager)
#6 Bah, Humbug! – First Reprise (Scrooge, Lottie)

Scene 3..........................................................................................................................................16
Lottie, Scrooge, Marley

#7 I’m Jacob Marley’s Ghost (Marley, Scrooge)

Scene 4..........................................................................................................................................21
Lottie, Scrooge, Ghost of Christmas Past, Fan, Fezziwig, Mrs. Fezziwig

#8 Bah, Humbug! – Second Reprise (Lottie)

#9 The Ghost of Christmas Past (Ghost of Christmas Past, Scrooge)
#10 Fan’s Scene – Father Has Forgiven You (Fan)
#11 Fezziwig’s Scene – Oh, Ebenezer! (Mrs. Fezziwig, Fezziwig)
#12 Fan’s Death Scene (Scrooge)
Scene 5..........................................................................................................................................32
Ghost of Christmas Past, Scrooge, Alice, Charlie

#13 Alice’s Scene – Idol of Gold (Alice, Charlie, Company)

Interval..........................................................................................................................................35
Vesta, Charlie, Lottie

#14 Act One Finale – Drink, Drink! (Vesta, Lottie, Company)

 Act II

Scene 1..........................................................................................................................................36
Vesta, Lottie, Charlie, Mum

#15 Beside the Shiny Briny Sea (Vesta, Lottie, Charlie, Company)

Scene 2..........................................................................................................................................40
Charlie, Ghost of Christmas Present, Scrooge, Cratchit, Mrs. Cratchit, Lottie, Alfred,
Vesta, Tiny Tim

#16 The Ghost of Christmas Present (Ghost of Christmas Present)

#17 The Cratchit’s Scene – So Much Love (Cratchit, Mrs. Cratchit, Scrooge)
#18 Tiny Tim’s Entrance – Oh, The Things You Can Never Ever See AT Home –
Reprise (Company)
#19 Tiny Tim (Mrs. Cratchit, Cratchit, Scrooge, Company)
#20 Fred and Hermione’s Scene – Hi, Ho! (Underscore)

Scene 3..........................................................................................................................................51
Fred, Hermione, Scrooge

#20 Fred and Hermione’s Scene – Hi, Ho! (Cont’d) (Fred, Hermione)

Scene 4..........................................................................................................................................53
Scrooge, Charlie, Ghost of Christmas Future

#21 The Ghost of Christmas Future (Scrooge, Charlie, Ghost)

#22 Mrs. Dilber’s Scene – Good Riddance, Goodbye! (Underscore)

Scene 5..........................................................................................................................................55
Scrooge, Mrs. Dilber (Charlie), Mrs. Dilber (Lottie)

#22 Mrs. Dilber’s Scene – Good Riddance, Goodbye! (Cont’d) (Mrs.

Dilber/Lottie, Mrs. Dilber/Charlie)
Scene 6..........................................................................................................................................59
Scrooge, Street Boy

#23 It’s Christmas Day! (Scrooge, Charlie)

Scene 7..........................................................................................................................................62
Fred, Hermione, Galdys, Scrooge

#23 It’s Christmas Day! (Cont’d) (Fred)

#24 Finale (Underscore)

Scene 8..........................................................................................................................................65
Charlie, Lottie, Scrooge, Queen Victoria

#24 Finale – Cont’d (Company)

#25 Bows/Exit Music (Company)
 CHARACTERS

ALFRED DA CAPPO, the accompanist

CHARLIE SCHMALTZ, a character actor
LOTTIE OBBLIGATO, a singing soubrette
VESTA VIRILE, a “male impersonator”

NOTES ON CASTING
In the original production the role of Lottie was played by a man in drag. Every role above
can be played by actors of either gender. The whole show is a wild romp, and it would
add to the anarchic fun to mix genders as a production might want. However, if the
opposite gender is cast in a role, it should be played for the reality of the character (and for
the role of Lottie the actor must be an accomplished singer).

DOUBLING
The characters above play the following roles in the show:

ALFRED — Him/herself
CHARLIE — Him/herself, Fred, Bob Cratchit, Marley’s Ghost, the Ghost of
Christmas Past, Mrs. Fezziwig, Devil, Mrs. Dilber
LOTTIE — Him/herself, Charity Dowager, Fan, Mr. Fezziwig, Alice, the Ghost
of Christmas Present, Mrs. Martha Cratchit, Hermione, the Ghost of
Christmas Future, Mrs. Dilber, Street Boy
VESTA — Him/herself, Scrooge, Gladys

SETTING
Her Majesty’s Promenade Grand Theatre, 1899.

Since this is a third-rate performing company, the settings can be as elaborate or simple as
the director wishes. Part of the fun of the show is watching the actors deal with wearing
costumes not designed for them, and also operating all the technical devices of the show.
No matter how limited these characters’ theatrical ability, it must be kept in mind that they
sincerely want to put on as good a show as possible.
 ACT ONE
SCENE 1

(The stage of Her Majesty’s Promenade Grand Theatre. At left is a

pianoforte. Alfred enters and takes his place there. A large portrait of

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Queen Victoria hangs center stage. There is a fanfare and a cylinder
disc recording plays.)

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VICTORIA
(Voiceover.)

Pe
Good evening, loyal subjects. This is your very own Queen Victoria, reminding you that
the use of any photographic apparatus is strictly forbidden, and to please silence any
devices used for the importation of telegraphic communications. If I hear unpleasantness

N
g
of any kind, I will not be amused. Thank you. You may now applaud.

in

O
(VICTORIA portrait flies off as lights cross-fade to ALFRED.)
s

TI
ALFRED
en
(Banging gavel.)

C
’Ere we go, ’ere we go. M’lords and ladies. Her Majesty’s Promenade Grand Theatre is
c

proud to present your very own, your very own

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#1 OH, THE THINGS THAT YOU CAN NEVER EVER SEE
AT HOME – PART 1
O
ay

PR

—Royal Music Hall Twenty-Member Variety Players! Featuring the East End Henry
dw

Irving, Mr. Charlie Schmaltz. And that Songbird from the South Bank, Miss Lottie
Obbligato.
oa

(LOTTIE and CHARLIE enter.)

FO

LOTTIE AND CHARLIE

Br

HELLO! HELLO! AND HOW ARE YOU TONIGHT?

LOTTIE
T

WE LOVE TO SEE YOUR ROSY CHEEKS

O

CHARLIE
N

YOUR NOSE SO RED AND BRIGHT!

LOTTIE AND CHARLIE

SO HAVE A GLASS AND DRINK UP

1
 LOTTIE AND CHARLIE (CONT’D)
TO ANYTHING YOU THINK UP
BUT DON’T FORGET
BEFORE YOU GET TOO TIGHT
OH, THE THINGS THAT YOU

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CAN NEVER, EVER SEE AT HOME
YOU CAN SEE THEM AT THE MUSIC HALL

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#1A OH, THE THINGS YOU CAN NEVER EVER SEE AT
HOME – PART 2

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CHARLIE
And featuring on pianoforte, the Paderewski of Paddington, your very own, Mr. Alfred

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g
Da Cappo!

in

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(Acknowledges ALFRED.)
s

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en
LOTTIE

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He’s wonderful!
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CHARLIE
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Lottie, do you think Alfred’s Italian?

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O
LOTTIE
ay

I know he is. He’s got roamin’ fingers!

PR
dw

CHARLIE
Oh, dear, oh dear! That’s terrible! That’s terrible! Send for a henway! Send for a henway!
oa

LOTTIE
A henway? What’s a henway?
FO
Br

CHARLIE
About two or three pounds.
T

LOTTIE
O

Oh, and speaking of cocks.

N

CHARLIE
As in roosters.

2
 LOTTIE
That too. We’d now like to introduce our star attraction.

CHARLIE
That world-renowned male impersonator.

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sa
LOTTIE AND CHARLIE
Miss Vesta Virile!

ru
(VESTA enters.)

Pe
VESTA
LOVELY LADIES, HEROES TRIED AND TRUE

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A MUSICAL TOAST PLAYED BY OUR HOST
AND EVEN A GHOST OR TWO
in

O
ALL
s

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BOO!
en
WE CAN SHOW THE WAY YOU WISH

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YOUR LIFE SHOULD BE
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WHEN A HAPPY ENDING COMES TO ALL

OH, THE THINGS THAT YOU U
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CAN NEVER, EVER SEE AT HOME
YOU CAN SEE THEM AT THE MUSIC HALL!
O
ay

(LOTTIE holds long note.)

PR
dw

#1B OH, THE THINGS YOU CAN NEVER EVER SEE AT

HOME – PART 3
oa

VESTA
FO

Lottie! Save it for the end when we need it.

Br

LOTTIE
Yes, it’s always better in the end.
T
O

CHARLIE
Oh, me virgin ears!
N

3
 VESTA
Good evening, ladies and gents. We are the Royal Music Hall Twenty-Member Variety
Players. Those of you who have seen us before are saying, “’ello! Where’s the company of
twenty players? On ocular evidence I’d say they’re seventeen shy.” Well, tonight the three
of us will perform all the parts in the play.

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sa
CHARLIE
Not because we’re show-offs.

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LOTTIE

Pe
And it’s not because I’m cheap—we’re cheap.

VESTA

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g
No, it’s because we had a cast party last night and the rest of the company ended up with
a nasty case of food poisoning.
in

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CHARLIE
s

TI
Fortunately, I was out of town.
en

C
LOTTIE
c

Luckily, I wasn’t even invited to the party.

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Li

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VESTA
And thankfully, I never eat me own cooking.
O
ay

ALL
PR
dw

FANCY SCENERY, MUSIC WITH PANACHE

SOME ELEGANT CLOTHES
REMARKABLE PROSE
oa

AND ACTORS TALKING POSH

R
FO

VESTA
Br

GOSH!

LOTTIE
T

I CAN SHOW YOU LOTS OF THINGS

THAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND WON’T
O

IF YOU FEEL LIKE GIVING ME A CALL

N

CHARLIE
Thought you gave up that old profession, darling.

4
 ALL
OH, THE THINGS THAT YOU
CAN NEVER SEE AT HOME
YOU CAN SEE THEM AT THE MUSIC HALL
OH, THE THINGS YOU ONLY DREAM ABOUT

l
sa
WHEN YOU’RE ALONE
YOU CAN SEE THEM AT THE MUSIC HALL
HAVE A BANANA!

ru
#1C OH, THE THINGS YOU CAN NEVER EVER SEE AT

Pe
HOME (PLAYOFF)

(After song, VESTA exits.)

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g
in

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LOTTIE
(Still bowing.)
s

TI
Thank you! There’s more! And now, our holiday travesty—A Christmas Carol by Charles
en
Darwin.

C
(CHARLIE gives her a look.)
c

U
Li

Dick Chickens.
D
O
CHARLIE
ay

Well, why not, the show’s already laid an egg. Once upon a time...
PR
dw

#2 BAH, HUMBUG!

... in Old London Towne, on a foggy Christmas Eve, the meanest man on God’s earth was
oa

on his way to work.

FO
Br

LOTTIE AND CHARLIE

Ebenezer Scrooge!
T

(VESTA enters as SCROOGE.)

O

SCROOGE
Bah! Humbug!
N

LOTTIE
He was so mean he’d send a Mother’s Day card to an orphan.

5
 CHARLIE
He was so tight fisted fortune tellers had to read his knuckles.

LOTTIE
No beggars implored him for money.

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sa
CHARLIE
No little children asked him the time.

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SCROOGE

Pe
Beggars! Children! No can question—the blighters all give me acute indigestion!

BAH, HUMBUG!

N
g
BAH, HUMBUG!
BEGGARS ARE SHIFTLESS
in

O
THEY ALL LOVE THEIR RUM DRUG
THEY BEG YOU FOR MONEY
s

TI
FOR THEIR KITH AND THEIR KIN
en
THEN THEY SPEND IT ON DOPE

C
WANTON WOMEN AND GIN!
c

LET ’EM ROT IN SOME JAIL

WHERE THEY’RE CHAINED TO THE FLOOR U
Li

D
THAT WILL TEACH THEM FOR
BEING SO POOR!
O
ay

CHARLIE AND LOTTIE

PR
dw

BAH, HUMBUG!
BAH, HUMBUG!
SCROOGE
oa

CHILDREN ARE BEASTLY

R

EACH ONE IS A DUMB THUG

FO

THEY’LL ALL PICK YOUR POCKET

Br

WITH A FOUL, GRUBBY FIST

AND THEY HAVE STUPID NAMES
NAMES LIKE “OLIVER TWIST”
T

SEND ’EM OFF TO THE WORKHOUSES

I’LL SAY, HA HA!
O

’CAUSE IT’S NOTHING BUT HUMBUG

N

SO, BAH!

ALL
’CAUSE IT’S NOTHING BUT HUMBUG
SO, BAH!

6
 (CHARLIE exits as scene changes to Scrooge’s counting house.)

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ru
Pe

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in

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s

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en

C
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U
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O
ay

PR
dw
oa

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FO
Br

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O
N

7
 SCENE 2

#3 FRED’S ENTRANCE HI, HO!

l
LOTTIE

sa
Old Scrooge went to work in his counting house. He was so happy thinking about putting
people in the poorhouse, and foreclosing mortgages on widows…

ru
SCROOGE
(Delighted.)

Pe
Widows!

LOTTIE

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g
He was completely taken by surprise by the cheerful voice of his nephew.

in

O
(LOTTIE exits as FRED enters.)
s

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en
FRED

C
HI HO, MERRY CHRISTMAS, UNCLE
GET OFF YOUR OLD CARBUNCLE
c

AND HAVE A BEER

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Li

WE’LL GO DOWNTOWN IN A JIFFY

D
AND WE’LL BE GETTING SQUIFFY
O
ON CHRISTMAS CHEER
ay

DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA
PR

DEAR, OH DEAR!
dw

SCROOGE
Who the hell are you?
oa

FRED
FO

Why, I’m your slightly-poor-but-ever-so-cheerful nephew Freddy.

Br

(Braying like a jackass.)

T

Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha!

O

SCROOGE
N

Yes, and president of the Society of Mindless Gits.

FRED
I’m not as stupid as I look.

8
 SCROOGE
Well, you couldn’t be.

FRED
Rather! And a spiffing Merry-Old-You-Know-What to you, too, Uncle E!

l
sa
(Ominous music and lighting.)

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SCROOGE
Bah, humbug! What’s Christmastime to fools like you but a time for paying bills without

Pe
money! If I could, I’d have every idiot with “Merry Christmas” on his lips boiled in his
own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart!

N
(Effects stop.)

g
in

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FRED
Crikey, Uncle. That’s rude with knobs on. But, I say, come dine with me and the wifely
s

TI
element tomorrow. Your kind of meal—it’s free!
en

C
(Effects again.)
c

SCROOGE U
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D
I will not set foot in your house as long as you’re married against my wishes. And to a silly
creature as penniless as yourself.
O
ay

(Effects stop.)
PR
dw

FRED
I wish I could get special effects on me speeches. But I’ll keep my holiday good humor to
the last.
oa

R
FO

IF YOU THROW OFF YOUR VEIL OF SORROW

Br

COME VISIT US TOMORROW

AND LOSE YOUR RAGE
DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA
T

DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA
DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA
O

SCROOGE
N

Get off the stage.

(FRED bows and exits as LOTTIE enters on applause.)

9
 LOTTIE
Entrance applause! Scrooge’s nephew left without an angry word, or even an encore. He
stopped at the outer door to bestow greeting of the season on Scrooge’s clerk, Mr. Bob
Crackers…Crutches…

l
sa
SCROOGE
(Stage whisper.)
Cratchit!

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LOTTIE

Pe
Scratch what? No! After the show. Mr…Mr. Bob.

(CRATCHIT enters.)

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#4 BOB’S ENTRANCE SO MUCH LOVE
in

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s

TI
Mr. Bob, cold as he was because of Scrooge’s stingy attitude toward proper heating—
en

C
CRATCHIT
Brrr!
c

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Li

LOTTIE
D
Was a far warmer person because of his loving heart.
O
ay

(LOTTIE exits.)
PR
dw

CRATCHIT
(Sings.)
SO MUCH LOVE!
oa

SO MUCH LOVE!
A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS
FO

FROM HEAVEN ABOVE

Br

SCROOGE
There’s another idiot. Calling him stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
T
O

CRATCHIT
Beg pardon, Mr. Scrooge?
N

SCROOGE
I wasn’t talking to you, you fool! I was talking to myself. The only person around here
with a firm grip on reality!

10
 SCROOGE (CONT’D)
(A bit louder.)
The only person around here with a firm grip on reality!

(There is a pause. SCROOGE makes a “bell sound” under his breath.

l
sa
Ding dong.)

Oh, that infernal bell!

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CRATCHIT

Pe
I’ll get it.

SCROOGE

N
g
Don’t let anyone else in!

in

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#5 DOWAGER’S SCENE PUT A LITTLE SOMETHING IN
s

TI
MY STOCKING
en

C
(CRATCHIT exits as CHARITY DOWAGER enters.)
c

DOWAGER
U
Li

DON WE NOW OUR GAY APPAREL!

D
FA-LA-LA-LA-LA
O
LA-LA-LA!
ay

PR

Do you like my muff? Scrooge and Marley’s, I presume?

dw

(She looks for sign. CRATCHIT rushes in and hangs up a “Scrooge

and Marley” sign.)
oa

CRATCHIT
FO

Sorry, love.
Br

(He exits.)
T

DOWAGER
O

Merry Christmas!
N

SCROOGE
Your name must be goiter, because you’re a pain in the neck!

11
 DOWAGER
No, I’m Mrs. Pyles.

SCROOGE
Ah, because you’re a pain in the…

l
sa
DOWAGER
As I was saying, do I have the pleasure of addressing Mr. Scrooge, or Mr. Marley?

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SCROOGE

Pe
Mr. Marley’s been dead seven years.

DOWAGER

N
g
Oh, dear!

in

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SCROOGE
He died seven years ago, this very night!
s

TI
en
(Musical sting.)

C
c

DOWAGER
U
Oh, you have a piano! Wunderbar! Mr. Scrooge, I am collecting money for the poor and
Li

D
destitute—through song!
O
ay

(Music.)
PR
dw

YOU’RE ENDOWED, MR. SCROOGE!

SCROOGE
oa

What?!
R
FO

DOWAGER
Br

QUITE WELL ENDOWED, MR. SCROOGE

WHILST OTHERS GOT THE SHORT END OF THE STICK
T

SCROOGE
I say!
O
N

DOWAGER
UNLIKE THE REST, MR. SCROOGE
YOU’VE BEEN BLESSED, MR. SCROOGE
AND SO IN THE SPIRIT OF JOLLY OLD SAINT NICK…
IF YOU PUT A LITTLE SOMETHING IN MY STOCKINGS

12
 DOWAGER (CONT’D)
YOU WILL PUT A GIANT SMILE UPON MY FACE!
IF YOU PUT A LITTLE SOMETHING IN MY STOCKINGS
I WILL HOLD YOU DEEPLY IN A SPECIAL PLACE!
IF YOU PUT A LITTLE SOMETHING IN MY STOCKINGS

l
sa
I AM SURE THAT YOU WILL RAISE THE BAR!
SO THE QUESTION WHICH AROUSES
WILL YOU REACH INTO YOUR TROUSERS?

ru
AND SHOW YOUR FELLOW MAN
HOW BIG YOU ARE!

Pe
What shall I put you down for?

N
g
SCROOGE
Nothing!
in

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DOWAGER
s

TI
Ah! You wish to remain anonymous?
en

C
SCROOGE
c

U
I wish to be left alone, and not upstaged, unusually tall and buxom woman. I don’t make
merry myself at Christmas, and I can’t afford to make idle people merry. Those who are
Li

D
badly off must go to the poorhouse—or to jail.
O
ay

DOWAGER
Many can’t even go there! And many would rather die!
PR
dw

SCROOGE
If they would rather die, they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population.
oa

DOWAGER
FO

Surplus population! Excuse me, but…

Br

SCROOGE
Excuse me, but it’s none of my business. It’s enough to understand one’s own business,
T

and not to interfere with other people’s…

O

(Looking at her ample bosom.)

N

…two large points of interest. Now, kindly leave, you pumped-up panhandler.

DOWAGER
You can’t talk to me like that. I’ll have you know my family’s in iron and steel!

13
 SCROOGE
Yes, your mother irons and your father steals!

DOWAGER
(Leaving.)

l
sa
Well, really!

(She runs into CRATCHIT.)

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CRATCHIT

Pe
Sorry, miss!

DOWAGER

N
g
(Exiting.)
Philistines!
in

O
CRATCHIT
s

TI
Sorry, Miss Phyllis Steens. It’s seven o’clock, sir.
en

C
SCROOGE
c

U
You’re certainly in a hurry to leave. And you’ll want all day off tomorrow as well, I
suppose.
Li

D
CRATCHIT
O
ay

It’s only once a year, sir.

PR
dw

SCROOGE
A poor excuse for picking a man’s pocket every 25th of December. Be here all the earlier
the next morning.
oa

CRATCHIT
FO

Yes, Mr. Scrooge! Thank you, Mr. Scrooge! And a very merry…
Br

SCROOGE
Don’t say it!
T

CRATCHIT
O

Christmas!
N

SCROOGE
Bah!

14
 #6 BAH, HUMBUG! (FIRST REPRISE)

SCROOGE (CONT’D)
(CRATCHIT exits as LOTTIE enters.)

l
BAH, HUMBUG!

sa
BAH, HUMBUG!
LOTTIE

ru
OLD EBENEZER WAS
REALLY A GLUM SLUG
IT WAS SEVEN YEARS SINCE

Pe
JACOB MARLEY HAD DIED
BUT TONIGHT HE COULD FEEL HIM
RIGHT THERE AT HIS SIDE

N
g
in

O
VOICE OF MARLEY
Scrooge!
s

TI
en
SCROOGE

C
BUT IT’S NOTHING BUT HUMBUG
c

(SCROOGE exits.)
U
Li

D
LOTTIE
O
OLD SCROOGE DID REMARK
ay

WHEN HE ENTERED HIS HOUSE

PR

WHICH WAS DARK

dw

(Lights go out.)
oa

NOT THAT DARK

FO

(Lights back up.)

Br

THANK YOU
T
O
N

15
 SCENE 3

LOTTIE
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. No. Call me Ishmael. No, just call me.
’Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house—Scrooge’s house! Scrooge’s

l
sa
dusty, musty, crusty old house.

#7 I’M JACOB MARLEY’S GHOST

ru
Scrooge went past room after room of darkness and gloom in that big old house. But he

Pe
didn’t care a button about that.

SCROOGE

N
g
(Entering in night dress.)

in

O
Darkness is cheap! s

TI
LOTTIE
en
And Scrooge liked it. But Scrooge felt uneasy tonight, so he closed his bedroom door and

C
locked himself in.
c

(Sound of door lock. And a second lock.)

U
Li

D
Er, twice. Thus secured against surprise, he sat down.
O
ay

(To SCROOGE.)
PR
dw

He sat down.

SCROOGE
oa

I’m getting there!

FO

(SCROOGE does.)
Br

LOTTIE
He sat down before his roaring fire.
T
O

(She gets fake candle from under her skirts.)

N

His roaring fire! Suddenly! There was an ominous, clanking noise, deep down below in
the cellar.

(Ghostly sounds in cellar.)

16
 SCROOGE
I’ve heard of ghosts in haunted houses dragging chains. But, it’s humbug still!

LOTTIE

l
sa
The cellar door flew open with a terrible bang!

(Sound of horse whinnying.)

ru
Sorry. I’m a little hoarse. And then he heard the noise, much louder, on the floors below,

Pe
then coming up the stairs—straight to his door!

(She exits.)

N
g
SCROOGE
in

O
I won’t believe it! It’s humbug! It’s…
s

TI
(MARLEY’S GHOST enters wearing chains and money boxes.)
en

C
MARLEY
c

Aaaaaaahhhh!
U
Li

D
SCROOGE
(Frightened.)
O
ay

Bah!
PR
dw

MARLEY
Scrooge!
oa

SCROOGE
R

What do you want of me?

FO
Br

MARLEY
Much.
T

SCROOGE
Who are you?
O
N

MARLEY
Ask me who I was.

SCROOGE
All right, all right! Who was you then?

17
 MARLEY
In life I was your partner, Jacob Marley.

I’M JACOB MARLEY’S GHOST

l
sa
CAN’T EVEN BUTTER MY TOAST
I HAVEN’T GOT MUSCLES
CORPUSCLES OR VEINS

ru
JUST OLD MONEY BOXES
WITH RUSTY OLD CHAINS

Pe
I’M JACOB MARLEY’S GHOST
I’M JACOB MARLEY’S SPIRIT

N
g
SCROOGE
OH, PLEASE! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT!
in

O
MARLEY
s

TI
BUT HEAR IT YOU MUST
en
SO PULL UP A CHAIR

C
BUT YOU SMELL LIKE OLD CHEESE
c

SO SIT OVER THERE

U
Li

D
SCROOGE
YOU’RE A VERY RUDE SPECTER
O
ay

MARLEY
PR
dw

I’M SENT TO THIS SECTOR

TO TELL YOU
OF MANKIND YOU WERE NO RESPECTER
oa

AND SOON YOU’LL BE MEETING

R

YOUR FUNERAL DIRECTOR

FO

PREPARE TO ETERNALLY ROAST

Br

I’M JACOB MARLEY’S GHOST!

(Song ends, but he starts again.)

T

I’M JACOB MARLEY’S…

O
N

SCROOGE
(Interrupting.)
All right! Good God! If ugliness were bricks, you would be the Great Wall of China.

18
 MARLEY
Why don’t you slip into something comfortable. Like a coma.

SCROOGE

l
sa
I don’t believe in you. A slight stomach disorder can make me see things. You may be an
undigested bit of beef, or an underdone potato. There’s more of gravy than of the grave
about you, whatever you are!

ru
MARLEY

Pe
(Threateningly.)
Aaaaahhhh!

N
g
SCROOGE
Mercy! Dreadful apparition why do you haunt me?
in

O
MARLEY
s

TI
I came here to warn you.
en

C
SCROOGE
c

You’re wearing chains. Why?

U
Li

D
MARLEY
I’m not quite sure. They came with the costume.
O
ay

SCROOGE
PR
dw

But you were always a good man of business, Jacob.

MARLEY
oa

Mankind should have been my business! Hear me! That you may have a chance and hope
R

of escaping my fate.
FO
Br

SCROOGE
You were always a good friend, Jacob. Good night.
T

MARLEY
Wait! To elude my destiny, you will be visited by three different spirits on three separate
O

nights.
N

SCROOGE
Couldn’t I take ’em all at once, and have it over with?

19
 MARLEY
Expect the first tomorrow, when the bell tolls one. Expect the second on the next night at
the same hour. Expect the third within five to seven business days—we’re a little backed
up. Look to me no more. I must rejoin the unhappy spirits of the damned!

l
sa
I’M A WAS, I’M AN EX, I’M A PAST, YES, I’M POST
I’M AN UNHAPPY SPIRIT
AND WORSE OFF THAN MOST

ru
BUT I’M DOING MUCH BETTER
THAN YOU, I CAN BOAST

Pe
I’M JACOB MARLEY’S GHOST!

(He makes an elaborate exit.)

N
g
SCROOGE
in

O
Good exit!
s

TI
en

C
c

U
Li

D
O
ay

PR
dw
oa

R
FO
Br

T
O
N

20
 SCENE 4

#8 BAH, HUMBUG! (SECOND REPRISE)

l
(LOTTIE enters, scaring SCROOGE.)

sa
LOTTIE

ru
BAH, HUMBUG!
BAH, HUMBUG!
SCROOGE WAS SO FRIGHTENED

Pe
HE FELT LIKE A NUMB BUG
’CAUSE WHAT OLD MARLEY SAID
DIDN’T SOUND LIKE MUCH FUN

N
g
THAT HE HAD TO SEE GHOSTS

in

O
AND THE FIRST WAS AT ONE
BUT HE COULDN’T SAY, “HUMBUG”
s

TI
SO STIFF WAS HIS TONGUE
en
WHEN THE BELLS OF BIG BEN

C
SLOWLY RUNG
c

(LOTTIE exits. Music tolls chimes.)

U
Li

D
SCROOGE
O
A quarter past.
ay

PR

(Chimes.)
dw

Half past.
oa

(Chimes.)
FO

Time flies.
Br

(Chimes.)
T

The hour itself. And nothing else!

O

#9 THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

N

(GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST appears, looking a lot like LADY

BRACKNELL.)

21
 GHOST/PAST
Rise, sir, from this semi-recumbent posture. It is most indecorous!

SCROOGE
Are you the ghost whose coming was foretold to me?

l
sa
GHOST (CHARLIE)
I am.

ru
SCROOGE

Pe
Good God, Charlie, you make an ugly woman!

GHOST (CHARLIE)

N
g
So do you.

in

O
SCROOGE
(Back to play.)
s

TI
Who and what are you?
en

C
GHOST/PAST
c

I AM THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

MY TIME IS SHORT U
Li

D
THOUGH YOUR PAST IS VAST
I’M HERE FOR YOUR WELFARE
O
ay

SCROOGE
PR
dw

I DON’T NEED YOUR CHARITY

GHOST/PAST
oa

YOUR SALVATION, THEN

R
FO

SCROOGE
Br

BAH

GHOST/PAST
T

(Hitting SCROOGE with fan.)

I DON’T LIKE VULGARITY!
O

TAKE HEED AND WALK WITH ME

N

EBENEZER SCROOGE
BUT FIRST LET ME TOUCH UP
MY POWDER AND ROUGE

22
 ALL
(Including LOTTIE, reentering.)
BUT FIRST LET HER TOUCH UP
HER POWDER AND ROUGE

l
sa
SCROOGE
As if that’s going to help.

ru
GHOST/PAST
Ebenezer Scrooge, I will show you something from your past.

Pe
#10 FAN’S SCENE – FATHER HAS FORGIVEN YOU

N
g
(She shows him a snow globe.)

in

O
Do you know this place?
s

TI
en
SCROOGE

C
(Reading label.)
Taiwan? No! Good heavens! It’s my old schoolhouse! I was sent to school there when I
c

was a boy.
U
Li

D
(Looking at globe.)
O
ay

I was much smaller then.

PR
dw

GHOST/PAST
It is Christmas vacation, and you have been left behind.
oa

SCROOGE
My father didn’t want me home for Christmas.
FO
Br

GHOST/PAST
(Looking at snow globe.)
How do they get the little people in there? No matter. Your sister wanted you home.
T
O

SCROOGE
Fan?
N

FAN
(Entering.)
Ebenezer!

23
 SCROOGE
Fanny!

FAN
Ebby! I have come to bring you home, dear brother. To bring you home, home, home!

l
sa
SCROOGE
Home, little Fan?

ru
FAN

Pe
Yes! Home for good and all. Home for ever and ever. Father is so much kinder than he
used to be, and home’s like Heaven! He spoke so gently to me one dear night that I was
not afraid to ask him once more if you might come home. And he said yes!

N
g
SCROOGE
in

O
He did?
s

TI
FAN
en
Sort of.

C
c

FATHER HAS FORGIVEN YOU!

OUR FATHER HAS FORGIVEN YOU U
Li

D
FOR EVERYTHING…ALMOST
LIKE WHEN YOU TOOK HIS LEFT SHOE
O
ay

AND FILLED IT WITH UPHOLSTERY GLUE

OR WHEN YOU FOUND HIM SLEEPING THERE
PR
dw

AND CUT OFF ALL HIS HAIR

OR IN LONDON TOWN, WHEN YOU BURNED DOWN
OUR HOUSE WHILE MAKING TOAST!
oa

FATHER HAS FORGIVEN YOU

R

FOR EVERYTHING…
FO

EXCEPT FOR THE TIME MOTHER GAVE BIRTH TO

Br

YOU AND DIED—

HE STILL BLAMES YOU FOR THAT AND THAT’S WHY
HE WISHES IT WAS YOU WHO WOULDN’T GO ON
T

LIVIN’
BUT BESIDES THAT…
O

ALL IS FORGIVEN
N

…ALMOST

And you’re never to be lonely again!

24
 SCROOGE
Never to be lonely again!

FAN
Never! Not as long as I live.

l
sa
(She coughs.)

ru
It’s nothing. Yet.

Pe
(She exits.)

SCROOGE

N
g
Fan!

in

O
GHOST/PAST
She died a married woman with children, I believe.
s

TI
en
SCROOGE

C
One child.
c

GHOST/PAST U
Li

D
Your nephew, Freddy.
O
ay

SCROOGE
She died giving him life.
PR
dw

GHOST/PAST
Just as your mother died giving you life.
oa

SCROOGE
FO

(Realizing.)
Br

That’s why I never met her.

GHOST/PAST
T

I don’t know what makes you quite so stupid but it really works. But on to another
Christmas.
O
N

#11 FEZZIWIG’S SCENE – OH, EBENEZER!

(We are now in the Fezziwigs’ shop, with a chandelier.)

25
 GHOST/PAST (CONT’D)
Do you know this place?

SCROOGE
Know it! Why, it’s the Olde Fezziwig Christmas Emporium! I was an apprentice here!

l
sa
Why, I made that chandelier! Old Fezziwig was such a generous employer! He made our
work a pleasure. But, you wouldn’t want to be caught alone with him in the stockroom.
Still, he gave us great discounts on crystal wall sconces!

ru
(MR. FEZZIWIG enters as GHOST exits.)

Pe
Well, blow me down! It’s old Fezziwig! Bless his heart! Old Fezziwig alive again!

N
g
FEZZIWIG
in

O
(With thick Irish accent.)
Sure, it’s Ebenezer!
s

TI
en
SCROOGE

C
Lottie, is that you?
c

FEZZIWIG (LOTTIE) U
Li

D
Yes, it’s me!
O
ay

SCROOGE
You’re ever so convincing!
PR
dw

FEZZIWIG (LOTTIE)
I’ve had a lot of experience doing men!
oa

SCROOGE
FO

I’ll say!
Br

FEZZIWIG
Sure-en, Master Scrooge! Have you popped the question yet to the lovely Miss Alice?
T

Christmas Eve seems a perfect opportunity for a marriage proposal.

O

SCROOGE
N

Marriage! I don’t have any money, Mr. Fezziwig! How could I be happy?

FEZZIWIG
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And then it was too late.

26
 (MRS. FEZZIWIG enters.)

MRS. FEZZIWIG
Well, hellooo to ya!

l
sa
SCROOGE
Bless my soul! It’s old gassed-up Mrs. Fezziwig!

ru
MRS. FEZZIWIG
Faith and begorrah, it’s Master Scrooge! Ay, my darling, have you asked Miss Alice to be

Pe
your wife? Then you can be as happy as me and Mr. Fezziwig here!

FEZZIWIG

N
g
Happier, I hope.

in

O
SCROOGE
No. I am penniless. What can I possibly give her?
s

TI
en
MRS. FEZZIWIG

C
A foolish man gives his wife a grand piano. A wise man gives her an upright organ!
c

(To female audience member.) U

Li

D
Enjoying the show now, aren’t ya, darlin’!
O
ay

(To SCROOGE.)
PR
dw

Ay! There is more to happiness than a full purse.

oa

(Squeezing him.)
R
FO

It’s what your arms are full of that counts!

Br

MISS ALICE IS A GOOD GIRL

BEEN GOOD SINCE GOD-KNOWS-WHEN
T

BUT EVEN GOOD GIRLS LIKE A

NAUGHTY FELLAH NOW AND THEN!
O

SO
N

OH, EBENEZER
WHY DON’T YA GO AND SQUEEZE HER
IF ONLY TO APPEASE HER
YOU KNOW DARN WELL IT WILL
OH, EBENEZER

27
 MRS. FEZZIWIG (CONT’D)
WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS TEASE HER
BY ACTING LIKE A FREEZER
AND GIVING HER A CHILL

l
sa
FEZZIWIG
NOW, IF YOUR WIFE IS AMPLE

ru
MRS. FEZZIWIG
WITH PASSION BURNING BRIGHT

Pe
FEZZIWIG
YOU WON’T NEED NO HOT WATER BOTTLE

N
g
ON A WINTER’S NIGHT

in

O
MRS. FEZZIWIG
s

TI
RIGHT!
en

C
BOTH
c

OH, EBENEZER
DON’T BE SUCH A GEEZER U
Li

D
PUT HER MIND AT EASE, SIR
AND LEAVE NO ROOM FOR DOUBT
O
ay

OH, EBENEZER
PR
dw

FEZZIWIG
THIS SONG GIVES ME A SEIZURE
I’M WOBBLY IN THE KNEES, SIR
oa

MRS. FEZZIWIG
FO

THEN JUST SIT THIS ONE OUT!

Br

(She pushes him away and grabs SCROOGE.)

T

Come on, big boy! Give us a twirl!

O

(They all dance.)

N

ALL
OH, EBENEZER
YOU KNOW THAT IT WILL PLEASE HER
SO DON’T BE CALLOUS

28
 GO AND MARRY ALICE TODAY! HEY!

MRS. FEZZIWIG
And remember, Master Scrooge, a passionate kiss is like a spider’s web—it leads to the
undoing of a fly!

l
sa
(She exits.)

ru
FEZZIWIG
(Close to SCROOGE.)

Pe
If you want more advice, I’ll be in the stockroom to give you your Christmas goose.

#12 FAN’S DEATH SCENE

N
g
in

O
(MR. FEZZIWIG gooses SCROOGE, then exits.)
s

TI
SCROOGE
en
Goosed! Ghost, where have you floated off to? What ghost up must come down!

C
(GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST enters, frantically pulling on
costume.)
c

U
Li

GHOST/PAST
D
We cannot tarry here. My time grows short.
O
ay

SCROOGE
PR

Where have you been?

dw

GHOST/PAST
Changing costumes!
oa

(Indicating back of costume.)

FO
Br

Do me up! Another Christmas awaits.

(She hands SCROOGE a sign.)

T
O

SCROOGE
No, Spirit. Not here. Not to this Place of Death.
N

(SCROOGE reveals sign to read “Place of Death” as FAN enters.)

29
 FAN
Ebenezer.

(She coughs and SCROOGE and GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

take a large step back.)

l
sa
Ebenezer, promise me…

ru
SCROOGE
What, Fan? I’ll promise you anything! Only there isn’t going to be any need. You’re going

Pe
to get well.

FAN

N
g
Promise me you’ll take care of my boy. My little Freddy.

in

O
(She throws a “Baby Freddy” doll to SCROOGE.)
s

TI
SCROOGE
en
DEAR FAN, THIS MUSTN’T BE YOUR FATE

C
YOU’LL RALLY AND RECUPERATE
c

AND YOU WILL LIVE

U
Li

D
(Throws baby back to FAN.)
O
ay

…ALMOST
PR
dw

(She dies. Baby drops to floor. After a pause we hear: )

BABY
oa

(Voiceover.)
R

Waa.
FO
Br

SCROOGE
(Stage whisper to FAN.)
Exit. Exit!
T

(FAN starts to exit.)

O
N

The other way!

(FAN starts to exit the other way, leaving baby on the floor.)

30
 GHOST/PAST
(Stage whisper.)
Baby! Baby! Baby!

(FAN gets baby, hands it to GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST, then

l
sa
exits. Not knowing what to do with baby: )

Poor Freddy’s been dropped on his head.

ru
SCROOGE

Pe
That explains a lot.

GHOST/PAST

N
g
(Throwing baby to SCROOGE, adlibbing.)
You’re suppose to look after him!
in

O
SCROOGE
s

TI
I’m sorry, Fan! I’m sorry!
en

C
(He tosses baby offstage. LOTTIE says, “Ow!”)
c

I’m sorry.
U
Li

D
O
ay

PR
dw
oa

R
FO
Br

T
O
N

31
 SCENE 5

GHOST/PAST
One shadow more.

l
sa
SCROOGE
No! I’d rather swallow my watch, and wait for time to pass!

ru
GHOST/PAST
Why do you resist in facing your past? Turn, mortal, turn and view one more Christmas.

Pe
(Ghost exits as Alice enters.)

N
g
SCROOGE
Alice! My dear Alice!
in

O
s

TI
#13 ALICE’S SCENE – IDOL OF GOLD
en

C
ALICE
I have come to say goodbye.
c

U
Li

SCROOGE
D
Goodbye?
O
ay

ALICE
PR

I cannot think that you would ever marry a penniless girl, so I release you from your
dw

promise, with a full heart, for the love of the man you once were. Here’s your ring.

(She tries to take off her ring—it’s stuck.)

oa

I, I had salted kippers for lunch and I’m a little bloated. I’ll just mail it to you. Be happy in
FO

the life you have chosen. Goodbye forever.

Br

SCROOGE
Alice! Come back!
T
O

ALICE
All right. Ebenezer, all your hopes and desires have merged into the pursuit of money. I
N

have tried to comfort you in your grief, but ever since the death of your sister, which was
played by a wonderful actress, your heart has become cold.

32
 SCROOGE
If Fan hadn’t been poor she wouldn’t have died.

ALICE
You fear the world too much. I have seen your nobler aspirations fall off one by one, until

l
sa
your primary passion, greed, engrosses you.

SCROOGE

ru
You angel, you were the idol of my life.

Pe
ALICE
And you were the idol of mine. I would have given you anything. But another idol has
replaced me.

N
g
SCROOGE
in

O
What idol has replaced you?
s

TI
ALICE
en
An idol of money. A golden one.

C
c

(Musical arpeggio.)
U
Li

D
In A-flat.
O
ay

(Music stops, and starts again in A flat.)

PR

I WOULD GIVE YOU A BRACELET OF SILVER

dw

TO REMEMBER ME WHEN YOU ARE OLD

BUT I WON’T GIVE YOU NOTHING
NOT A SOLID BRASS FARTHING
oa

FOR AN IDOL THAT’S MADE OF GOLD

FO

I WOULD GIVE YOU A LOVELY BRONZE STATUE

Br

THAT I POSED FOR WHEN I WAS QUITE BOLD

BUT I WON’T GIVE YOU NOTHING
NOT A SOLID BRASS FARTHING
T

FOR AN IDOL THAT’S MADE OF GOLD

YOUR HEART, I WAS TOLD
O

WAS ROCK SOLID GOLD

N

SO GENUINE AND PRISTINE

BUT THE GOLD IS JUST VARNISH
THAT’S STARTED TO TARNISH
TOUCHING ME, TURNING ME GREEN! GREEN!

33
 (CHARLIE enters to join chorus.)

ALICE AND CHARLIE

I WOULD GIVE YOU A MUG MADE OF PEWTER
SO YOUR GROG AND EGGNOG YOU CAN HOLD

l
sa
BUT I WON’T GIVE YOU NOTHING
NOT A SOLID BRASS FARTHING
FOR AN IDOL THAT’S MADE OF GOLD

ru
(CHARLIE exits. It starts to snow on ALICE—CHARLIE throwing

Pe
“snow” on her from off.)

ALICE

N
g
SO, ONE DAY I’LL BE
THROWN OUT THE POORHOUSE
in

O
AND I’LL DIE IN THE CAST IRON COLD
PLEASE!
s

TI
DON’T FEEL GUILTY I PERISHED
en
AND WASN’T AS CHERISHED

C
AS AN IDOL THAT’S MADE OF GOLD
c

U
(CHARLIE enters with large golden heart. He and SCROOGE hold it
Li

D
behind ALICE.)
O
ay

ALL
AS AN IDOL THAT’S MADE OF GOLD
PR
dw

The heart breaks in two. All bow. VESTA brings a bouquet to

LOTTIE, who continues to bow. CHARLIE takes bouquet from Lottie
oa

as they exit.
R
FO
Br

T
O
N

34
 INTERVAL

VESTA
Now, while you dry your eyes, or any other part of your anatomy that might be moist
from Lottie’s performance, the management has asked me at this time to encourage you to

l
sa
buy another drink. As well as putting our lovely hostesses to work, it will certainly help
the second half of our show seem a bit more plausible.

ru
(CHARLIE and LOTTIE enter.)

Pe
#14 ACT ONE FINALE: DRINK, DRINK!

ALL

N
g
SO DRINK, DRINK!

in

O
GO ORDER A ROUND s

TI
VESTA
en
(Indicating CHARLIE and LOTTIE.)

C
THE MORE THAT YOU DRINK
THE BETTER THEY SOUND
c

U
Li

CHARLIE
D
(Indicating LOTTIE.)
O
WHEN YOU KNOCK BACK THE FIZZ
ay

THE PRETTIER SHE IS

PR
dw

LOTTIE
(Indicating CHARLIE.)
WHEN YOU DRINK ’TIL YOU TWITCH
oa

HE’S NOT SUCH A B… BIG OL’ HAMMY ACTOR

FO

ALL
Br

SO, DRINK, DRINK!

AND GO TO THE LOO
AND WE’LL SEE YOU BACK FOR ACT TWO!
T
O

(Interval sign comes in and all exit.)

N

End of Act One

35
 ACT TWO
SCENE 1

CHARLIE
(Entering.)

l
sa
’Ello, ’ello, ’ello, ’ello, ’ello! So many of you came back! Well, the bar service was brisk.
Management is pleased, the servers are happy, and we humble players—can finally get
paid. With enough left over for a well-deserved holiday!

ru
#15 BESIDE THE SHINY BRINY SEA

Pe
COME ON, HAVE ANOTHER ALE
OR A BRACING GLASS OF GIN

N
g
in

O
VESTA
(Entering.)
s

TI
THE ORDERS YOU PUT OUT
en
WAS MONEY COMING IN

C
LOTTIE
c

(Entering.)
U
Li

NOW OF COURSE
D
WE DON’T ENDORSE
O
ROWDY DRUNKENNESS
ay

PR

CHARLIE
dw

AND LIBATIONS HERE

ARE FAR FROM BEING FREE
oa

ALL
BUT YOUR INTOXICATION
FO

WILL PAY FOR OUR VACATION

Br

A LITTLE SUNNY TRIP BESIDE THE SEA!

OH, LET’S ALL RESIDE BESIDE THE SEASIDE
GOSH, OH GOLLY, THAT’S A HOLIDAY SO GRAND
T

WE’LL GO BATHING
O

GETTING NICE AND TANNED

YOU’LL BE SO CUTE
N

IN YOUR BATHING SUIT

WHEN IT GETS FULL OF SAND—AND
WE’LL TAKE OUR SUSTENANCE AL FRESCO
LIKE A BLOOMIN’ LA-DI-DA MARQUIS

36
 ALL (CONT’D)
THINK WHAT FUN IT’S GOING TO BE
HAVING BREAKFAST, LUNCH, AND TEA
OUT BESIDE THE SHINY, BRINY SEA

l
sa
CHARLIE
And now, our seaside spectacular! No expense spared on special effects!

ru
(They “swim” behind a fabric “sea.” LOTTIE swims on, followed by
VESTA.)

Pe
LOTTIE
I’m doing the breast stroke.

N
g
VESTA
in

O
And she doesn’t have to use her arms!
s

TI
(CHARLIE swims on, and we hear a loud cat yell.)
en

C
CHARLIE
c

I just stepped on a catfish! But I’m looking for a blowfish.

U
Li

D
(VESTA swims with a shark fin on her head.)
O
ay

LOTTIE
Shark! Shark!
PR
dw

(The shark passes her by.)

oa

Oh, thank goodness it’s only a man-eating shark!

R
FO

(CHARLIE removes the “water.”)

Br

CHARLIE
Tide going out!
T

(LOTTIE comes downstage with two crabs. She addresses an audience

O

member.)
N

LOTTIE
I just got crabs at the beach. You take them. Your husband gave them to me!

(VESTA enters dressed as “MOTHER.”)

37
 LOTTIE AND CHARLIE
OH, LET’S ALL RESIDE BESIDE THE SEASIDE
THINK WHAT FUN THE SURF AND SUN WILL SOON
PROVIDE
BRING YOUR MOTHER

l
sa
TAKE HER FOR A RIDE
SHE’LL SIT ON THE BEACH
A BIT OUT OF REACH

ru
AND WASH OUT WITH THE TIDE

Pe
(VESTA is pushed offstage.)

I’D LIKE TO SAY THAT I’D BE SORRY

N
g
BUT AT LAST THE TWO OF US ARE FREE
THINK WHAT FUN IT’S GOING TO BE
in

O
WHEN IT’S ONLY YOU AND ME
OUT BESIDE THE SHINY, BRINY SEA
s

TI
BUT THE FUTURE’S LOOKING BLACK
en

C
VESTA
c

(Entering.)
HERE’S YOUR MOTHER SWIMMING BACK U
Li

D
ALL
O
ay

OUT BESIDE THE SHINY, BRINY SEA

WHEE!
PR
dw

(LOTTIE and VESTA exit.)

oa

CHARLIE
R

Thank you. Now, that had absolutely nothing to do with the story, but me mum’s here
FO

tonight, and she likes that number. Enjoyed it, did ya, Mum?
Br

MUM
(From tech booth.)
T

Ta, love! Thank you ever so!

O

CHARLIE
N

Right you are, Mum. You know, speaking of the seaside, I wanted to be a fisherman—just
for the halibut, but I floundered.

(In response to the audience’s reaction: )

38
 CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Get it out of your system now, ’cause they don’t get any better. But now back to the plot.

(SCROOGE enters.)

l
sa
ru
Pe

N
g
in

O
s

TI
en

C
c

U
Li

D
O
ay

PR
dw
oa

R
FO
Br

T
O
N

39
 SCENE 2

#16 THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT

l
CHARLIE

sa
Scrooge had fallen asleep in his chair again. But woke himself up when he heard someone
or something call his name.

ru
(CHARLIE exits as the GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT
enters.)

Pe
GHOST/PRESENT
Ebenezer Scrooge!

N
g
in

O
SCROOGE
Are you still the Ghost of Christmas Past?
s

TI
en
GHOST/PRESENT

C
Are you kidding? The Ghost of Christmas Past! She’s so passé! I’m the up-to-the-minute
Ghost of Christmas Present. Get it? My name is Oscar, and I’m simply wild—with an “e.”
c

Très chic! Au courant!

U
Li

D
LOOK AT ME
O
I’M THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT
ay

WE WILL VISIT BOTH THE RICH MAN AND THE PEASANT

PR

I’VE COME FROM A HIGHER PLACE

dw

SO YOUR PAST YOU MAY ERASE

AND YOUR FELLOW MAN EMBRACE
(DON’T YOU SIMPLY LOVE THE LACE!)
oa

Straight from Paris!

FO
Br

SCROOGE
Straight?
T

GHOST/PRESENT
O

Hardly!
N

STILL, I’M THE VERY STYLISH GHOST

OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT
AND YOUR SHABBY SOUL’S MY GOAL TO REDESIGN
IN YOUR HEART I HOPE TO FURNISH

40
 GHOST/PRESENT (CONT’D)
THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNISH…
AND HAVE A SPIRIT THAT’S AS GAY AS MINE
AIN’T I DIVINE?

l
sa
But now, Scrooge, I’m going to take you to a place you’ve never been before—and I don’t
mean a good hairdresser. Or dentist. Touch my arm and follow me. Just follow me. Walk
this way.

ru
#17 THE CRATCHIT’S SCENE – SO MUCH LOVE

Pe
(SCROOGE imitates walk of GHOST OF CHRISTMAS
PRESENT.)

N
g
in

O
SCROOGE
(To audience.)
s

TI
I know that joke’s old, but so are you.
en

C
(GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT wipes face with handkerchief
and makeup shows on it.)
c

U
Li

Shroud of Lottie.
D
O
GHOST/PRESENT
ay

This is the house of your clerk, Bob Crabcake.

PR
dw

SCROOGE
Cratchit!
oa

GHOST/PRESENT
God bless you. I don’t believe you’ve ever been here.
FO
Br

SCROOGE
Er, no. I don’t often come to this part of town.
T

GHOST/PRESENT
O

Neither do I! But Bob Crabcake must live here because of the shoddy wages you pay him.
The Crabcakes are so poor…
N

SCROOGE
(Getting audience to say along.)
How poor are they?

41
 GHOST/PRESENT
They’re so poor when burglars break in, they leave money!

(SCROOGE laughs.)

l
sa
That’s not funny!

SCROOGE

ru
I know it’s not.

Pe
(Indicating audience.)

Ask them.

N
g
GHOST/PRESENT
in

O
Touché. Now, Mr. Crabcake lives here with his many, manybeaucoup children and his
gorgeous, full-figured, porcelain-skinned wife, Martha.
s

TI
en
(BOB CRATCHIT enters.)

C
c

CRATCHIT
(Pointedly, to GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT.) U
Li

D
Hello, MARTHA.
O
ay

GHOST/PRESENT
(Gives walking staff to SCROOGE.)
PR
dw

Would you hold this?

(GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT exits, undressing.)

oa

(As MARTHA.)
FO
Br

Coming, Bob!

CRATCHIT
T

Take your time, Martha. I was just talking to the butcher. He backed up into the meat
grinder and got a little behind in his work. Then he bent over to pick up a sieve and
O

strained himself. Finally, he fell into an upholstery machine, but now he’s completely
N

recovered. I told you they weren’t getting any better. Speaking of fabric, how I wish I
could afford some new clothes for the kiddiewinks this year. Last year they all got paper
shirts. But they were tear-able.

(Reacts to audience.)

42
 CRATCHIT (CONT’D)
I think I better work a little further upstage! No matter how poor we are, at least my
children have a lot of love.

WE HAVEN’T ANY MONEY

l
sa
NOT A PENNY CAN BE FOUND
BUT WE’VE GOT A LOT OF LOVE
AND THERE’S PLENTY TO GO ’ROUND

ru
OH, THERE’S LOVE FOR SUE AND MARTHA
AND BELINDA AND ANITA

Pe
AND CLAUDE AND MAUD AND ABIGAIL
AND BRET AND MASTER PETER
AND FLO AND JOE AND MURIEL

N
g
WHO HAS HER MOTHER’S EYES
AND FATMA AND MUHAMMAD
in

O
WHO WERE RATHER A SURPRISE
SO MUCH LOVE!
s

TI
SO MUCH LOVE!
en
I FIT WITH MY WIFE

C
LIKE HAND IN GLOVE
c

SO MUCH LOVE
SO MUCH LOVE U
Li

D
HERE SHE IS NOW, MY TURTLE DOVE
O
ay

(A pregnant MRS. CRATCHIT enters, carrying a baby.)

PR
dw

MRS. CRATCHIT
SO MUCH LOVE CAN
COST YOU FOR YOUR HABITS
oa

WHEN YOU AND YOUR HONEY

R

LOVE LIKE BUNNY RABBITS

FO

SO MUCH LOVE
Br

NOTHING CAN DISRUPT US

LOVE CONQUERS ALL
ALL BUT COITUS INTERRUPTUS
T

NO MORE LOVE! NO MORE LOVE!

IT’S ONE THING THAT I’VE
O

HAD TOO MUCH OF

N

(They sing in counterpoint.)

CRATCHIT MRS. CRATCHIT

OH, THERE’S LOVE FOR SUE SO MUCH LOVE

43
 CRATCHIT (CONT’D) MRS. CRATCHIT (CONT’D)
AND MARTHA CAN COST YOU FOR YOUR HABITS
AND BELINDA AND ANITA WHEN YOU AND YOUR HONEY
AND CLAUDE, AND MAUD LOVE LIKE BUNNY RABBITS
AND ABIGAIL SO MUCH LOVE

l
sa
AND BRET AND MASTER PETER NOTHING CAN DISRUPT US
AND FLO AND JOE AND MURIEL LOVE CONQUERS ALL
WHO HAS HER MOTHER’S EYES ALL BUT COITUS INTERRUPTUS

ru
AND FATMA AND MUHAMMAD NO MORE LOVE! NO MORE LOVE!
WHO WERE RATHER A SURPRISE IT’S ONE THING THAT

Pe
I’VE HAD TOO MUCH OF

BOTH

N
g
SO MUCH LOVE
AND FILLED WITH CHRISTMAS CHEER
in

O
AND WE’LL HAVE ANOTHER ONE
TO LOVE NEXT YEAR!
s

TI
en
MRS. CRATCHIT

C
Oh, Lord! Please don’t bring my baby ’til next week. The doctor’s having an after-
c

Christmas sale.
U
Li

D
CRATCHIT
Martha, I know what will put you in a romantic mood…
O
ay

(She reacts—as if he wants to make love.)

PR
dw

MRS. CRATCHIT
Oh, God, please no!
oa

CRATCHIT
FO

Not that—a wee little drinkie.

Br

MRS. CRATCHIT
(Patting her stomach.)
T

Make mine a double.

O

CRATCHIT
N

We’ll drink to Mr. Scrooge, the founder of our feast.

MRS. CRATCHIT
THE FOUNDER OF OUR FEAST, INDEED!
IF I WAS GOOD AND PLASTERED

44
 MRS. CRATCHIT
HE’D HAVE MY FIST TO FEAST UPON
THE ROTTEN, STINGY…

CRATCHIT

l
sa
Martha, please! The little ones might hear you!

MRS. CRATCHIT

ru
I WOULDN’T WANT TO TROUBLE
OUR FAV’RITE LITTLE CHILD

Pe
CRATCHIT
OUR VERY SPECIAL CHERUB

N
g
SO INNOCENT AND MILD

in

O
SCROOGE
GOOD GOD, THEY HAVE ANOTHER ONE
s

TI
LET’S TAKE A LOOK AT HIM
en

C
ALL
c

A BRIGHT AND SHINING ANGEL

HERE’S LITTLE TINY TIM U
Li

D
(They gesture to stage left. No one enters.)
O
ay

Oh, shit.
PR
dw

VESTA
There’s no one left to play the little bugger!
oa

CHARLIE
FO

I’m not changing costumes again!

Br

LOTTIE
What about Alfred?
T

She indicates Alfred. All look at him.

O
N

ALFRED
Don’t look at me! I’m in the union!

45
 #18 TINY TIM’S ENTRANCE – OH THE THINGS YOU CAN
NEVER EVER SEE AT HOME (REPRISE)

CHARLIE

l
Cheeky monkey!

sa
VESTA

ru
Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached an impasse. To continue our dramatic narrative,
we will need to induct the services of one of our audience members. I am looking for a
latent thespian.

Pe
CHARLIE

N
g
Vesta, please!

in

O
LOTTIE
s

TI
Keep your private life to yourself.
en

C
VESTA
Piss off, both of you! Are there any aspiring mummers in our midst? Any neophyte
c

supernumeraries? Tonight’s your lucky night!

U
Li

D
ALL
O
OH, THE THINGS THAT YOU
ay

CAN NEVER, EVER BE AT HOME

PR

YOU CAN BE THEM AT THE MUSIC HALL

dw

(Adlib getting someone out of the audience, and then onstage and into
Tiny Tim costume.)
oa

LOTTIE
FO

(Indicating “TIM.”)
Br

Oh, wait! We can’t use this man—I know him, and he isn’t tiny.

CHARLIE
T

She would know. She’s been on more laps than a napkin.

O

(To TIM.)
N

Now, don’t be nervous, but besides your friends out there making fun of you, and
certainly doing cruel imitations of you later on…

46
 LOTTIE
We also have several theatre critics in the house tonight.

LOTTIE AND CHARLIE

(Sarcastically.)

l
sa
Break a leg!

VESTA

ru
DON’T FEEL BAD IF YOUR ACTING THEY CONDEMN
REMEMBER, MY LAD

Pe
NO MATTER HOW BAD

(Indicating CHARLIE and LOTTIE:)

N
g
YOU CAN’T BE WORSE THAN THEM
in

O
LOTTIE AND CHARLIE
s

TI
JUST REMEMBER EVEN GREAT
en
BIG STARS LIKE US

C
STARTED OUT BY PLAYING PARTS REAL SMALL
c

Not really. U
Li

D
ALL
O
ay

OH, THE THINGS THAT YOU

CAN NEVER, EVER BE AT HOME
PR
dw

YOU CAN BE THEM AT THE MUSIC HALL

(After song, scene continues.)

oa

CHARLIE
FO

Our little Tiny Tim! Isn’t he adorable? Our little diddie of damaged goods. During the
Br

following Mrs. Cratchit drinks, smokes, and snorts cocaine.

MRS. CRATCHIT
T

We don’t exactly know what’s wrong with our little Tiny Tim. Sometimes I blame myself.
But whatever it is, it does make him look a bit simpleminded. But sweet. Sing for Mama!
O

Sing for Mama!

N

#19 TINY TIM

47
 ALL
TINY TIM! TINY TIM!
COULD ANYONE BE
AS PATHETIC AS HIM?

l
sa
MRS. CRATCHIT
IN THE GREAT SEA OF LIFE

ru
CRATCHIT
HE WOULD NOT MAKE A RIPPLE

Pe
SCROOGE
IN HIS HAND-ME-DOWN SUIT

N
g
ALL
in

O
HE’S A CUTE LITTLE CRIPPLE!
TINY TIM! TINY TIM!
s

TI
HE’S SMILING TODAY
en
BUT HIS FUTURE LOOKS GRIM

C
c

CRATCHIT AND MRS. CRATCHIT

’CAUSE WE’RE SO MUCH IN DEBT U
Li

D
IN OUR CREDITORS’ CLUTCHES
THAT TOMORROW THEY PLAN
O
ay

REPOSSESSING HIS CRUTCHES

PR
dw

(They remove Tim’s crutches and throw them off.)

ALL
oa

TINY TIM
R

YOUR LIFE AIN’T MUCH FUN

FO

BUT YOUR BRAIN’S NOT ALL THERE

Br

SO YOU GLADLY DECLARE…

(VESTA holds script for TIM to read.)

T

TINY TIM
O

God bless us, everyone.

N

ALL
YES! GOD BLESS US, EVERYONE!

48
 (After song MRS. CRATCHIT exits to change to GHOST OF
CHRISTMAS PRESENT, and BOB CRATCHIT exits to change to
FRED. SCROOGE turns to AUDIENCE MEMBER playing TINY
TIM.)

l
sa
VESTA
All right, thank you, now back to your seat. Give him a hand. We might need someone to
play the Baby Jesus for our living Nativity. We’ll keep in touch. This year Charlie’s a Wise

ru
Man and Lottie plays the Virgin Mary—which takes our production out of the world of
religious pageantry, and into the realm of science fiction. But on with tonight’s

Pe
performance.

#20 FRED AND HEMIONE’S SCENE – HI, HO!

N
g
in

O
SCROOGE
Oh, Ghost of Christmas—Present, is it? Tell me, will Tiny Tim live?
s

TI
en
GHOST/PRESENT

C
(Enters, dressed as FORTUNE TELLER.)
c

U
I see an empty chair, a crutch without an owner, and an expensive drink unfinished. If
Li

these shadows remain unaltered by the Future, the child will die. But someone will finish
D
the drink.
O
ay

SCROOGE
PR

Yes, yes! No! Oh, no, kind spirit! Say that Tiny Tim will be spared.
dw

GHOST/PRESENT
Why? If he is to die, he had better do it, and decrease the surplus population.
oa

SCROOGE
FO

Where have I heard that before?

Br

GHOST/PRESENT
Fool! I’m now taking you to a place of torture and torment!
T
O

SCROOGE
Hell?
N

GHOST/PRESENT
No, the home of your nephew, Fred.

49
 SCROOGE
No!!! I’d rather go to Hell!

(FRED enters as GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT exits.)

l
sa
ru
Pe

N
g
in

O
s

TI
en

C
c

U
Li

D
O
ay

PR
dw
oa

R
FO
Br

T
O
N

50
 SCENE 3

#20 FRED AND HERMIONE’S SCENE – HI, HO! (CONT’D)

l
(FRED enters.)

sa
FRED

ru
Oh, I say, what a ripping Christmas Day! But where’s my wife Hermione and the games
she likes to play?

Pe
HI, HO, MERRY CHRISTMAS, MISSUS
A SPLENDID SEASON THIS IS
YOU BET YOUR LIFE

N
g
THE GOOD LORD SO NICELY MADE YOU
I’D LOVE TO SERENADE YOU
in

O
WITH DRUM AND FIFE
DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA
s

TI
WHERE’S MY WIFE?
en

(HERMIONE enters.)

C
c

HERMIONE
U
Li

HI, HO, MERRY CHRISTMAS, FREDDY

D
NOW EVERYTHING IS READY
AND NOT BY HALF!
O
ay

WE’LL PLAY GAMES UNTIL WE’RE BLOTTO

PR

IT ALWAYS IS MY MOTTO
dw

TO HAVE A LAUGH!
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
oa

FRED
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
FO
Br

FRED AND HERMIONE

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
HA-HA-HA!
T
O

(They both laugh.)

N

HERMIONE
I say, Freddy, is your Uncle Scrooge coming over for Christmas dinner?

51
 FRED
Afraid not, Hermione. The Old Crumb thinks Christmas is a humbug.

HERMIONE
Oh, what a frost! He’s going to miss the pots and pots of spiffing card games I’ve planned!

l
sa
FRED
But, darling, you’re terrible at card games. Remember all the money you lost playing

ru
poker with that American Indian princess?

Pe
HERMIONE
Don’t worry, darling, this year I won’t let poker haunt us.

N
g
(They exit to the audience’s moan.)

in

O
SCROOGE
That was a sorry sack of juaya!
s

TI
en
(Indicating audience.)

C
c

They’re turning on me! Fred! Fred! Where have you gone?

U
Li

D
#21 THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE
O
ay

Spirit, where am I? I am lost and cannot find my way! Where shall I take refuge?
PR
dw

(Scrooge’s own voice is heard in voiceover:)

Go to the prisons! Go to the workhouses! Ha, ha, ha!

oa

R
FO
Br

T
O
N

52
 SCENE 4

#21 THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE (CONT’D)

l
SCROOGE

sa
BAH, HUMBUG!
BAH, HUMBUG!

ru
I FEEL SO ALONE AND
AS TINY AS SOME BUG
MY OLD EVIL ACTIONS

Pe
I DENOUNCE THEM AS WELL
’CAUSE I’D LIKE TO AVOID
THE PITFIRES OF HELL

N
g
in

O
(CHARLIE enters in devil costume.)
s

TI
CHARLIE
en
Boogah, boogah, boogah!

C
(He exits.)
c

U
Li

SCROOGE
D
BUT I’M COLDER THAN ICE
O
AND I’M QUAKING WITH FEAR
ay

FOR THE GHOST OF THE FUTURE IS NEAR!

PR
dw

(Ominous music, and then LOTTIE enters in pickle costume.)

Good God, woman! What the hell are you got up as? Lottie!
oa

GHOST (LOTTIE)
FO

This is supposed to be a non-speaking role.

Br

SCROOGE
What on earth are you wearing?
T
O

GHOST (LOTTIE)
I didn’t like the real costume—it’s too dreary, it looked like the Grim Reaper. Not for
N

Christmas. But I love this! It’s from last year’s panto, The Pickles of Penzance.

I AM THE VERY MODEL

OF A TINY, BRINY VEGETABLE!

53
 SCROOGE
You’re supposed to be a—

(To ALFRED.)

l
sa
Stop it!

ru
(Music stops. To LOTTIE:)

Pe
You’re supposed to be a fearful specter, not some tarted-up condiment!

(LOTTIE starts to cry.)

N
g
Oh, God.
in

O
GHOST (LOTTIE)
s

TI
I could be the Ghostly Gherkin. Or the Chilly Dilly. Or the Gaucher Kosher.
en

C
SCROOGE
c

Let’s just get on with it! My bladder’s ready to burst.

U
Li

D
GHOST (LOTTIE)
Oh, you are in a pickle! If you have to go to the loo, then you mustn’t think about running
O
ay

water. Or rushing rivers. Or tinkling fountains.

PR
dw

SCROOGE
All right! Thank you.
oa

GHOST (LOTTIE)
R

Or waterfalls.
FO
Br

SCROOGE
SPIRIT! I fear you more than any other…vegetable I’ve seen!
T

#22 MRS. DILBER’S SCENE – GOOD RIDDANCE,

O

GOODBYE!
N

(SCROOGE pushes her off.)

But as I know your purpose is to do me good I am prepared to forge on by myself, through

the mist, in the general direction you were pretty much going.

54
 SCENE 5

SCROOGE
Where are we? It seems to be some ghastly den of vice.

l
sa
(“Den of Vice” sign appears.)

I knew it! But hark! Someone approaches!

ru
MRS. DILBER (CHARLIE)

Pe
(Entering.)

N
g
Coo-ee! Is anybody ’ere?

in

O
SCROOGE
Why, it’s Mrs. Dilber! My housekeeper!
s

TI
en
MRS. DILBER (LOTTIE)

C
(Entering.)
c

Coo-ee! Is anybody ’ere?

U
Li

D
SCROOGE
And, evidently, her not-so-identical twin. What’s going on?
O
ay

MRS. DILBER (CHARLIE)

PR
dw

I thought I was playing Mrs. Dilber.

MRS. DILBER (LOTTIE)

oa

Me too!
R
FO

MRS. DILBER (CHARLIE)

Br

Ooh, Lottie! What fun! We could do a sister act!

BOTH
T

(Delighted.)
Aoww!
O
N

SCROOGE
(Irritated.)
Perhaps we should rename the show A Double Mrs. Dilber Christmas Miracle.

55
 BOTH
Oh, shut ya cakehole!

(To each other.)

l
sa
Look, lovey. Oh, I’m sorry. Go ahead. No, you.

MRS. DILBER (CHARLIE)

ru
No, me. Look, lovey! I’m selling these things I stole right off you-know-who’s dead body!

Pe
MRS. DILBER (LOTTIE)
Me too, duckie! He ain’t likely to catch cold now, is he? The old skinflint!

N
g
MRS. DILBER (CHARLIE)
An old burlap sack’s good enough to bury him in. It can’t make him any uglier!
in

O
MRS. DILBER (LOTTIE)
s

TI
If Moses had seen his face, there would have been another commandment!
en

C
(They laugh.)
c

SCROOGE U
Li

D
Who are they cackling about?
O
ay

#22 MRS. DILBER’S SCENE – GOOD RIDDANCE,

PR

GOODBYE! (CONT’D)
dw

BOTH
WHEN THE BLOKE WAS ALIVE
oa

HE WOULD NOT SHARE A PITTANCE

SO NOW THAT HE’S CHUCKED IT
FO

I JUST SAY, GOOD RIDDANCE!

Br

GOOD RIDDANCE, GOODBYE

IT WON’T BRING A TEAR TO ME EYE
T

MRS. DILBER (LOTTIE)

O

HE WAS AN OLD BUGGER

AND ROTTEN AND MEAN
N

MRS. DILBER (CHARLIE)

AND A WHIFF OF HIS CLOTHES
SHOWS HE WEREN’T NONE TOO CLEAN

56
 BOTH
SO DON’T ASK ME TO CRY
MY THANKS ARE IN AMPLE SUPPLY

MRS. DILBER (LOTTIE)

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WHEN I LOOK AT HIS COFFIN

MRS. DILBER (CHARLIE)

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I JUST MIGHT START LAUFFIN’

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BOTH
SO GOOD RIDDANCE, GOODBYE!

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g
SCROOGE
I say! That’s awfully catchy!
in

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BOTH
s

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GOOD RIDDANCE, GOODBYE!
en
MY PRAYERS FIN’LY GOT A REPLY

C
EACH YEAR I BESEECH FOR
c

GOOD FORTUNE AHEAD

BUT THERE’S NOTHING’S AS GOOD U
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D
AS THAT RAT DROPPING DEAD!
SO NO NEED TO ASK WHY
O
ay

MY SPIRITS ARE HIGH AS THE SKY

PR
dw

MRS. DILBER (LOTTIE)

SO WHILE HE’S DOWN THERE ROTTING
oa

MRS. DILBER (CHARLIE)

R

I THINK I’LL GO YACHTING

FO
Br

BOTH
SO GOOD RIDDANCE, GOODBYE!
AS THE HELLFIRES BURN HIM
T

I TRUST THAT WILL LEARN HIM

SO GOOD RIDDANCE
O

GOOD RIDDANCE
N

GOOD RIDDANCE, GOODBYE!

SCROOGE
Well done! Why are you looking at me? Oh, no! Are these the shadows of things that will
be, or only might be?

57
 BOTH
(Pointing to tombstone.)
Look! Look!

SCROOGE

l
sa
Why do you point that way?

(DILBERS exit. SCROOGE sees tombstone with “Skrug” written on

ru
it.)

Pe
Aaa! No, Spirit, no! Not only am I dead, they spelled my name wrong! Oh, Spirit! I am not
the man I was. Why show me this if I am past all hope? Assure me that I yet may change
these shadows you have shown me, by an altered life. Oh, tell me that I may wipe away

N
g
the writing on this stone! I will live in the past, the present, and the future. The spirits of
all three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach. I will honor
in

O
Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year!
s

TI
(Lights change. Music in. Tombstone disappears.)
en

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58
 SCENE 6

SCROOGE
I’m alive! I’m alive! My career’s dead, but I’m alive! I wonder what day it is?

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(CHARLIE enters dressed as a Christmas tree.)

ALL

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Merry Christmas!

Pe
#23 IT’S CHRISTMAS DAY!

SCROOGE

N
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Christmas Day! I haven’t missed it! The Spirits did it all in two acts! It seems like I’ve been

in

O
asleep for weeks. s

TI
(To audience.)
en

C
I can tell you feel the same way. But it’s Christmas Day! My heart’s all a-flutter! And that’s
why I’m acting like some kind of nutter!
c

U
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OH, IT’S CHRISTMAS DAY

D
AND I’M SUCH A HAPPY BLOKE
O
I FEEL SO GAY
ay

I MAY EVEN TELL A JOKE…

PR
dw

What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate clauses!

TO PEOPLE ON THE STREET

oa

I’LL POLITELY TIP MY HAT

I’LL SAY THAT I’M A DIFFERENT MAN
FO

THEY’LL SAY:
Br

CHARLIE
THANK GOD FOR THAT!
T
O

SCROOGE
OH, IT’S CHRISTMAS DAY
N

AND I WANT TO GAD ABOUT

I YEARN TO LEARN
TO BE GOOD COMPANY
EVERYTHING’LL START TO TINGLE

59
 SCROOGE (CONT’D)
WHEN I BRING MYSELF TO MINGLE
OLD KRIS KRINGLE
HASN’T GOT A SINGLE
THING ON ME!

l
sa
(To CHARLIE.)

ru
All right. Back to the branch office with you!

Pe
(CHARLIE exits as STREET BOY enters.)

Halloo, there, my fine fellow!

N
g
STREET BOY
in

O
Me, sir?
s

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SCROOGE
en
Yes, you! Do you know the butcher shop in the next street?

C
c

I should hope I do.

STREET BOY
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SCROOGE
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ay

An intelligent fellow! A remarkable fellow! Do you know the prize turkey they have there.
Not the little prize turkey, the big one?
PR
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STREET BOY
What, the one as big as me?
oa

SCROOGE
FO

Not the whale, the turkey! Go and tell them to bring it here. Come back with the butcher,
Br

and I’ll give you a shilling. Come back with him in less than five minutes, and I’ll give you
half a crown!
T

STREET BOY
(Seductively.)
O

Ooh! What can I do to earn a quid?

N

SCROOGE
Don’t be so saucy, that’s what. Now go!

(STREET BOY exits.)

60
 SCROOGE (CONT’D)
What a feast it’ll be! I’ll send that turkey to Bob Cratchit’s! He’ll never guess who sent it!
It’s twice the size of Tiny Tim, and half the size of Lottie!

EVERYTHING’LL START TO TINGLE

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WHEN I BRING MYSELF TO MINGLE
OLD KRIS KRINGLE
HASN’T GOT A SINGLE

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THING ON ME!

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(SCROOGE exits as FRED enters).

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 SCENE 7

#23 IT’S CHRISTMAS DAY! (CONT’D)

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FRED

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OH, IT’S CHRISTMAS DAY
AND IT’S TIME FOR FUN AND GAMES

ru
MY WIFE INVITED PEOPLE BY THE SCORE
TO OUR HOUSE THEY’LL SOON BE FLOCKING
AS I HANG MY CHRISTMAS STOCKING

Pe
IT’S NOT SHOCKING
THAT THERE’S SOMEONE
KNOCKING AT THE DOOR!

N
g
in

O
(Sound—“Ding, dong, ding.)
s

TI
When did we get a bell? I say, Hermione, shall I answer the door?
en

C
HERMIONE
(Entering.)
c

No, darling. Gladys will get it.

U
Li

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FRED
O
Gladys? Who’s Gladys?
ay

PR

HERMIONE
dw

Our new parlor maid.

(GLADYS enters.)
oa

GLADYS
FO

Begging your pardon, sir. But there’s a Mister Scrooge who what wants to know if he’s too
Br

late for dinner.

FRED
T

Well, I’ll be snookered! Show him in! Gladly!

O

GLADYS
N

No, sir, it’s Gladys.

FRED
Yes, yes, Gladys. Quickly!

62
 GLADYS
No, sir. Gladys Wilson. Gladys Quickly’s me cousin.
(GLADYS exits to change to SCROOGE.)

FRED

l
sa
Well, I’ll be snookered! Why did you hire her?

HERMIONE

ru
She needed the job. She used to run a flea circus, but a dog came along and stole the show.

Pe
GLADYS
(Offstage:)
Right this way, sir.

N
g
(We hear footsteps. Offstage:)
in

O
Careful of the Ming vase.
s

TI
en
(We hear a loud crash. Offstage:)

C
c

No sir, that’s the kitchen.

U
Li

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(We hear pots and pans falling. Offstage:)
O
ay

Mind the puppy.

PR
dw

(We hear a vicious dog snarling, then SCROOGE enters.)

FRED
oa

(To audience.)
R

Well, that was worth waiting for, wasn’t it?

FO
Br

SCROOGE
I say. Is my invitation still good?
T

FRED
Well, I’ll be snookered!
O
N

HERMIONE
Darling, will you stop being snookered and get Gladys to set another place.

FRED
Right-o!

63
 FRED (CONT’D)
(Calling off.)
Gladys! Will you come here, please?

(There is a moment.)

l
sa
SCROOGE
I think you had better go to her.

ru
FRED

Pe
What?

HERMIONE

N
g
(Stage whisper.)
Go to her.
in

O
FRED
s

TI
Ooh, yes, capital idea! I’ll go to her. This is so bloody confusing.
en

C
(FRED exits.)
c

SCROOGE U
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My dear? Am I too late?
O
ay

#24 FINALE
PR
dw

HERMIONE
Oh, no. Never. We’ve been expecting you for dinner and games. Every Christmas. And
now that you’re here we’re never, ever, ever going to let you go.
oa

(She laughs. A lot. She is really, close to Scrooge’s face. He turns to

FO

audience.)
Br

SCROOGE
Help me.
T
O
N

64
 SCENE 8

CHARLIE
Scrooge was a changed man. He put his nephew Fred back in his will, on condition that he
never be invited for Christmas dinner again. He made Bob Cratchit his partner, and even

l
sa
married his housekeeper, Mrs. Dilber. The shorter one—the pretty one.* And to Tiny Tim,
who did not die, or ever appear onstage again, to him, Scrooge became a second father.

ru
(* Feel free to change this description based on the characteristics of
the actor playing CHARLIE. LOTTIE enters:)

Pe
LOTTIE
And thereafter it was always said of Old Scrooge that he knew how to keep Christmas

N
g
well. And he never saw the Spirits again, because—well they really didn’t say, but I
think…
in

O
CHARLIE
s

TI
(Let’s wrap this up.)
en
And so, as Tiny Tim observed…

C
c

(Entering.)
SCROOGE
U
Li

D
God bless us, everyone!
O
ay

ALL
God bless us, everyone!
PR
dw

#24 FINALE (CONT’D)

oa

TINY TIM! TINY TIM!

OUR HOLIDAY THOUGHTS
FO

ARE INSPIRED BY HIM

Br

IN THIS TIME OF GOOD WILL

GRAB YOUR MOTHER AND HUG HER
EVEN OFFER A DRINK
T

TO A STINKY OLD BUGGER

O

TIME TO GO
OUR STAGE SHOW IS DONE
N

BUT IN EACH SONG AND SCENE

WE’VE BEEN TRUE TO OUR QUEEN

65
 (Portrait of QUEEN VICTORIA is lowered as “God Save the
Queen” is played. LOTTIE puts her mouth through picture and
sings.)

QUEEN VICTORIA (LOTTIE)

l
GOD BLESS US, EVERYONE!

sa
ALL

ru
YES! GOD BLESS US, EVERYONE!

Pe
Bows.

#25 BOWS/EXIT MUSIC

N
g
CHARLIE:
in

O
We have but one last thing to share with you. Alfred?
s

TI
ALL
en

GOOD RIDDANCE, GOODBYE!

C
YOUR SEATS YOU MUS UNOCCUPY
c

GO HAIL FOR A TAXI OR CALL FOR YOUR CAR

U
Li

OR BETTER YET BUY US A DRINK AT THE BAR!

D
YOU MAY WANT TO KNOW WHY
WE ARE ALL SO PAINFULLY SHY
O
ay

WELL, YOU’LL FIND OUT MUCH QUICKER

PR

BY BUYING US LIOUR SO
dw

GOOD RIDDANCE, GOODBYE!

AND IF STALKING’S YOUR HOBBY
WE’LL BE IN THE LOBBY SO
oa

GOOD RIDDANCE, GOOD RIDDANCE

GOOD RIDDANCE, GOODBYE!
FO
Br

End of Play
T
O
N

66
 PROPERTY LIST
(Use this space to create props lists for your production)

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 SOUND EFFECTS
(Use this space to create sound effects lists for your production)

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SCROOGE IN
ROUGE

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AN ENGLISH MUSIC HALL CHRISTMAS CAROL

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BOOK & LYRICS BY

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RICKY GRAHAM

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s

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ADDITIONAL MATERIAL BY
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JEFFERY ROBERSON

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OTHER INTERESTING BITS BY

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YVETTE HARGIS
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ORIGINAL MUSIC COMPOSED BY

JEFFERSON TURNER
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SCORE SAMPLE
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06/28/21
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