ATTACHMENT
UNDERSTANDING YOUR
RELATIONSHIP PATTERNS
STEPHANIE RIGG
FOREWORD
FOREWORD
Whenever people seek my guidance on their relationship woes, my first line of enquiry is always
the same: trying to decipher what that person's (and their partner's) attachment style is.
Attachment theory is one of those areas that most people have never heard of, but once they
have, it is a total game changer. It offers an explanation for so many common relationship
dynamics, and can provide people with so much more clarity and compassion (both for
themselves and their partner).
STEPHANIE RIGG
AUTHOR, SEXUALITY & RELATIONSHIP COACH
WHAT IS ATTACHMENT THEORY?
WHAT IS ATTACHMENT?
Attachment theory was developed by John Our attachment patterning and behavioural
Bowlby in the late 1950s, from his work as a adaptations developed in our earliest social
child psychiatrist. Bowlby's work explored the interactions with our carers persist and
significance of a child's relationship with their continue to shape our adult behaviour.
primary carer (usually the mother) in shaping
their broader emotional and psychological Attachment theory prescribes four broad
development. Bowlby stressed the paramount attachment styles: secure, anxious-
significance of a child's attachment figure preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and
providing a safe, stable and secure base for the fearful-avoidant.
child to return to, and being highly attuned to
the physical and emotional needs of the child. Each of the styles has a different explanation
in terms of its origins, as well as different
Despite its origins in an early childhood behavioural adaptations in adult
context, attachment theory has since been relationships.
demonstrated to provide critical insight into
emotional functioning and relationships into
adulthood.
ATTACHMENT IS A SPECTRUM
ATTACHMENT IS A
Before we dive in, there are a couple of It is also important to note that the vast
SPECTRUM
important things to note about attachment majority of people will be a combination of
styles. styles, often exhibiting a primary and
secondary style depending on circumstances
While understanding your attachment style is and relational dynamics.
one of the most eye-opening paths you can
embark upon, it is important to recognise that For example, you may score 50% secure, 35%
attachment styles are not fixed. Your anxious-preoccupied and 15% fearful-avoidant.
attachment style is not a life sentence. Rather, This might mean that despite exhibiting core
it is useful to view your attachment style beliefs that point to a secure attachment
(particularly if one of the three insecure types) foundation, during times of trigger or a
as a behavioural adaptation to less than ideal particularly challenging relational dynamic,
circumstances. As with any behaviour, you can you tend toward anxious behavioural patterns
unlearn those patterns and re-learn a more and seek out greater closeness and reassurance.
secure way of being.
"WE ARE ONLY
AS NEEDY AS
OUR UNMET
NEEDS"
J O H N B O W L B Y
ATTACHMENT CHEAT SHEET
KEY INDICATORS OF YOUR PARTNER'S ATTACHMENT STYLE
Avoidant Secure Anxious
Sends mixed signals Reliable and consistent Wants a lot of closeness in the
relationship
Values his/her independence Makes decisions with you
greatly Expresses insecurities - worries
about rejection
Flexible view of
Devalues you (or previous
relationships Unhappy when not in a
partners)
relationship
Uses distancing strategies -
Communicates relationship
issues well Plays games to keep your
emotional or physical
attention/interest
Emphasises boundaries in the Can reach compromise
Has difficulty explaining what's
relationship during arguments bothering him/her. Expects you
to guess
Has an unrealistically Not afraid of commitment
romantic view of how a or dependency Acts out
relationship should be.
Doesn't view relationship as Has a hard time not making
Mistrustful - fears being taken things about him/herself in the
hard work
advantage of by partner relationship
Closeness creates further Lets you set the tone of the
Has rigid view of
relationships and
closeness relationship
CHEAT SHEET
uncompromising rules
Introduces friends and Is preoccupied with the
family early on relationship
During disagreement, needs
to get away or "explodes"
Fears that small acts will ruin
Naturally expresses feeling the relationship; believes s/he
Doesn't make his/her for you must work hard to keep your
intentions clear interest
Doesn't play games
Has difficulty talking about Suspicious that you may be
what's going on between you unfaithful
FROM "ATTACHED" BY DR. AMIR LEVINE AND RACHEL S.F. HELLER, M.A.
Note, the above table does not include the fourth style, fearful-avoidant. Fearful-avoidant individuals can be identified
by exhibiting a combination of anxious and avoidant traits.
SECURE: OVERVIEW
SECURE ATTACHMENT:
OVERVIEW
Estimated to represent 50% of the population, securely attached individuals are, on the whole, well-
adjusted and emotionally stable people. They enjoy being in healthy intimate relationships though
are equally content being single. They are comfortable relying on others and being relied upon in
return. They have a strong sense of self and are confident as they go about the world, trusting in
others' good intentions and their own ability to navigate life and its challenges with resilience. They
are usually in touch with their emotions but do not become overwhelmed by them. Rather, they are
able to effectively emotionally self-regulate and have the self-awareness to observe themselves when
in a state of trigger.
SECURE: ORIGINS &
ADULTHOOD
SECURE ATTACHMENT:
ORIGINS & ADULTHOOD
The typical characteristics of secure attachment in In adult relationships, securely attached people are
early childhood involve a primary carer who provides typified by their maturity and superior communication
a secure base for the child and is emotionally attuned skills. They are able to see others' points of view and are
to their needs, without being overbearing. The child not prone to taking issues personally.
is attached to the carer and sees them as a secure,
home base - venturing out into the world and Securely attached people typically end up in partnership
returning periodically to reconnect, seek reassurance with other securely attached people (which is a happy
and comfort, and then go again. The parent notices pairing), though they can also be a great partner to the
when the child is hungry, thirsty, hurt, or emotionally other attachment styles insofar as they model secure
unsettled, and validates those cues with love and care. behaviour.
ANXIOUS: OVERVIEW
ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT:
OVERVIEW
Representing approximately 15% of people, the anxious-preoccupied attachment style is characterised
by high needs for love, connection and intimacy, coupled with anxiety around the ability for these
needs to be met by those they form relationships with. They tend to be very focused on their
relationship and often worry that they are unlovable or are going to be abandoned, which is
underpinned by a real fear of being alone.
Anxiously attached people are prone to overthinking and overanalysing minor details of situations,
particularly when they pertain to a romantic partner's behaviour. They can be quite hypervigilant and
constantly monitoring for cues that something is wrong and their partner is on the brink of leaving
them.
ANXIOUS ORIGINS
ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT:
ORIGINS
Whereas secure attachment is characterised by stable, consistent attunement to a child's needs, anxious
attachment is typically born of on-again off-again parenting. For example, a parent might sometimes
be very loving and doting upon the child, and other times be absent, distracted or overwhelmed by the
child's needs. The inconsistency prompts the child to become very attuned to the parent's response,
experimenting with different cues and behaviours in an effort to gain their love and attention.
Ultimately this manifests in an excessive focus on the other person and their needs, often leading to
frustration at the unpredictability of the situation and overwhelm at the emotional energy expended.
Other dynamics that can breed anxious attachment include poor boundaries, parent-child role
reversal, or a child otherwise having to take on a parenting role (eg, for younger siblings). Each of these
foster an abandonment of the child's needs in favour of another.
ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT IN
ADULTHOOD
ANXIOUS & ADULTHOOD
Anxiously attached individuals have very high Anxious-preoccupied people often downplay their
intimacy needs. It is very important to them to be needs and emotions so as to not scare people off
in a romantic relationship, and their relationships with their intensity. This often leads to unexpressed
would ideally involve high levels of physical contact frustration around perceived asymmetries in effort
and emotional intimacy. Anxiously attached people and contribution to the relationship, which can
tend to prioritise their relationship, often above all bubble to the surface during arguments. Anxious
or most other pillars of their life (such as work or people are known to keep score without raising
friendships). issues directly.
The anxious-preoccupied person's extreme focus on In conflict, an anxious-preoccupied person will
their relationship manifests in overanalysing, usually seek to lean in and re-establish connection
theorising about their partner's behaviour, and and certainty, and they will not want to exit a
dwelling in the past. They may be insecure about conversation until the issue is resolved and "peace"
their partner's exes, and become very hung up on is restored. This is so even when they were the one
comparisons and perceived shortcomings. They are to raise the issue.
more prone to jealousy than other types.
DISMISSIVE AVOIDANT
DISMISSIVE-AVOIDANT OVERVIEW
ATTACHMENT: OVERVIEW
The dismissive-avoidant attachment style is characterised by staunch independence and a discomfort
with vulnerability emotional intimacy, underpinned by a core belief that people should ideally be self-
reliant and tend to their own needs.
Dismissive-avoidants are usually outwardly confident, charismatic and successful, but their outgoing
sociability may be masking a lack of depth and true intimacy in their relationships. They fear and will
resist emotional closeness, which manifests as a tendency to retreat, make excuses or sabotage when
someone tries to get too close to them.
Dismissive-avoidants are thought to represent between 15% and 20% of the population.
DIMISSIVE AVOIDANT
DISMISSIVE-AVOIDANT ORIGINS
ATTACHMENT: ORIGINS
Dismissive-avoidant attachment is understood to stem from a childhood dynamic where the child's needs
were rejected or denied, whether intentionally or due to the parent's absence. Having had their needs
denied by the carer/s, the child learns early on that they must tend to their own needs, becoming highly
self-sufficient and independent. This independence may be viewed as a behavioural adaptation that the
child developed to protect themselves against the hurt and disappointment that came from being
neglected or rejected by their parent figure.
Parents of dismissive-avoidant children will often themselves have an avoidant attachment style, which
may show up as teaching the child that emotions are trivial, indulgent, or a waste of time. An avoidant
person will not likely have grown up with much (if any) express emotional guidance or nurturance from
their parents.
DISMISSIVE-AVOIDANT
ATTACHMENT IN ADULTHOOD
DISMISSIVE-AVOIDANT
& ADULTHOOD
In adulthood, dismissive-avoidant attachment They often see their partners as overbearing,
is characterised by a belief in self-sufficiency. demanding and needy, and will deploy
This tendency can often lead the dismissive- distancing behaviours once they feel a partner is
avoidant to exhibit behaviours that are getting too close.
perceived by others as selfish or self-absorbed,
when in reality they are often oblivious that Avoidants often have a high opinion of
they are missing others' cues for attention. They themselves (at least on the surface) and a
are simply unaccustomed to the need to be relatively low opinion of their partner, often
attributing blame to their partner for causing
attuned to others, as they did not learn this
all the "drama" in the relationship.
healthy interdependency as children.
Avoidants are typically overrepresented in the
It is common for dismissive-avoidants to
dating pool, as they tend to cycle through
perceive their partner's emotional needs as an
relationships more quickly than other types.
unwelcome imposition on their autonomy.
FEARFUL AVOIDANT
OVERVIEW
FEARFUL-AVOIDANT
ATTACHMENT: OVERVIEW
The fearful-avoidant attachment style is thought to be the most complex and the most challenging of the
attachment styles, drawing upon aspects of the anxious-preoccupied style and the dismissive-avoidant
style. It is for this reason that it is sometimes referred to as the "disorganised" attachment style, because
the push-pull between anxiety and avoidance can create erratic and inconsistent behaviour.
Fearful-avoidant attachment is typified by a desire to seek out intimacy, coupled with a deep fear of
abandonment and rejection. This fear leads them to become overwhelmed and pull away or self-sabotage
when things get intimate or vulnerable.
Fearful-avoidant attachment is the least common of the four styles, thought to represent only 5% of the
population.
FEARFUL AVOIDANT
FEARFUL-AVOIDANT ORIGINS
ATTACHMENT: ORIGINS
Fearful-avoidant attachment typically develops It is common for fearful-avoidant attachment to
where a parent was threatening or otherwise made arise in circumstances of physical or emotional
the child feel frightened or unsafe. This creates abuse, however this is not always the case. The
substantial inner turmoil for the child, who is essential ingredient is the lack of safety created by
trapped between fearing their parent while the parent, coupled with the child having no
ultimately depending on them for safety and where else to turn.
survival.
The fearful-avoidant child is left with a deep
The caregiver of a fearful-avoidant child will often unmet need for love, care and affection, without
have highly unpredictable and erratic behaviour, having ever had these core needs met in a safe
leading the child to flip-flop between anxious environment.
attention-seeking and avoidant withdrawal.
FEARFUL-AVOIDANT
ATTACHMENT IN ADULTHOOD
FEARFUL-AVOIDANCE &
Fearful-avoidants seek out intimacy and desire As with many traumatised people, fearful-
to be in a relationship, yet are very easily avoidants will often display hypervigilance to
triggered by emotional closeness once in a perceived threats or impending danger. They
relationship. They tend to be highly emotional will seek to establish control over situations and
and struggle to self-regulate, which can result in may appear inflexible or rigid as a result.
turbulent, high-conflict relationships.
The fearful-avoidant tends to experience
They will often open up emotionally in a bid to chronic feelings of guilt, shame and inadequacy.
They will often seek to combat these perceived
seek closeness, and then panic and shut down -
shortcomings by channelling all their energy
which pattern can be a source of conflict in
and focus into pursuits that they feel they can
itself. They are prone to dissociation, lack of
control and be competent at. This is the fearful-
presence and difficulty concentrating.
avoidant's way of trying to demonstrate their
worth and impact in a tangible, objective way.
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