OVERVIEW OF PRINCIPLES
Raising children under the golden rule
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. The golden rule implies that all people have equal worth and deserve to be treated with equal dignity. For much of human history, parents generally were the bosses, telling children what to do and how to behave. Children who did not conform, were punished. In a stable culture that changed little from generation to generation, this approach seemed to work. As democracies have been established, this approach has worked less well. Children need to learn at an early age how to function in a democracy. Improving Parent-Child Relationships provides parenting skills that will help you enjoy your relationship with your child, and prepare your child for responsible democratic living.
Building the relationship
Mutual respect is the key to building a positive relationship between parents and children. Even though parents and children are not equal in terms of skills, knowledge and capability, they are equally deserving of respect, dignity and self-worth. In a democratic setting, a parents role is that of guide and teacher: parents recognize and use their greater knowledge and capability to respectfully guide the child toward maturity and independence. In a relationship characterized by mutual respect, no one takes advantage of the other person; neither parent nor child is a tyrant or a slave. Managing yourself means being responsible for your own behavior and feelings. Parents will be more successful if they look at what they are doing to contribute to their childs behavior rather than focusing on the child and trying to get him or her to change. When parents begin to manage themselves well, they find that their childrens difficult behavior often stops. I-messages are a respectful way to speak with your child. An I-message is a statement that tells the other person something about yourself. It tells the other person what you want or think, and how you feel. In contrast, a you-message tells the other person what they should do, think or feel. When people hear a youmessage, the natural reaction is to be defensive and resist the other person. I-messages invite cooperation; you-messages invite power struggles. Encouraging contribution provides children with important opportunities to develop skills and find a constructive role in the family. When parents do too much for their children, children often become demanding. By believing in their childrens abilities and providing opportunities for them to contribute, parents can help children become confident, responsible members of the family. Giving encouragement goes hand and hand with encouraging contribution. Being encouraging implies that the parent has faith in the child and supports the childs attempts to learn new skillseven if these skills are poorly executed by adult standards. Children need encouragement like plants need water. Children who are discouraged often misbehave in an attempt to find a role in the family. By providing opportunities for contribution and by being encouraging, parents can help children become confident and competent.
Understanding the child
Everyone likes to be understood. When you feel someone understands you, you feel close to that person
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and are generally more respectful and cooperative when you interact with him or her. Children are no different. Taking time to understand your childs goals and interests will set the stage for positive interactions with your child. Understanding goal orientation helps parents understand why children behave in certain ways. All behavior has a purpose, or goal. One of a childs most important goals is to find a place in the family group. When a child feels encouraged, accepted, and valued, he will find his place, by becoming generally cooperative and interested in participating in family life. A child who misbehaves is also trying to find a place in the family, but does not know how to do so constructively. Instead of being noticed by cooperating and participating, the discouraged child will disrupt family life by seeking power, attention or revenge. A very discouraged child might even opt out of family life and avoid participation as much as possible. Understanding birth order is helpful when trying to get insight into why your child behaves as she does. Parents often wonder how two children from the same family can be so different. Of course, genetics play a role, but the order of a childs birth in the family also affects behavior. For example, an onlychild or first-born child might be very adult-like. The youngest in a family of three children might continue baby behaviors long after he is no longer a baby. Dependence to independence is the childs journey. The parents job is to provide the encouragement and skills for the journey. Some parents might push their child too hard and too soon to behave in ways that are beyond the childs capabilities. Others might derive so much gratification from a young being who loves and depends on the parent, that the parent prolongs the childs dependence unnecessarily. The path between these two extremes will be most helpful to children as they move from the dependence of infancy to the independence of adulthood.
Using parental maturity
Children need to rely on someone who has more experience than they do for guidance. Parents who accept this natural authority can use it to provide children with a healthy balance between order and freedom. Rules and routines provide children with a predictable structure in which to learn and grow. Parents can use their maturity, experience, and natural authority to provide this structure so children will know what to expect, how the day will go, and what is expected of them. As children grow, they can make a contribution to the rules and routines. Setting limits is an important job of the mature parent. By setting reasonable limits, parents establish a safe and positive family structure in which children can thrive. The physical environment can affect how childrens feelings of competence and confidence develop. A physical environment that is orderly and has appropriate areas arranged to be accessible to the child allows children to engage in activities constructively in a predictable setting. Self-observation is an important part of being a mature parent. Parents who engage in constructive selfobservation often find that a misbehaving child is responding to the parents behavior. Instead of trying to change the childs behavior, it can often be much more effective for a parent to identify what he or she is doing to encourage a childs misbehavior. When the parents behavior changes, so does the childs.
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Consequences
In this program, punishment is viewed as consequences with low learning value. Punishing a child teachers her that the parent is bigger and stronger and can use this power to make her comply with the parents wishes. This approach usually backfires: The child misbehaves when the parent is not looking or openly retaliates by escalating her behavior. Punishing a child also teaches that treating weaker people badly is acceptable. In Improving Parent-Child Relationships, consequences are used to foster cooperation and mutual respect. Natural consequences occur when a child does something in the physical world and experiences a result. For example, wearing a coat when it is cold outside is useful because it keeps you warm. Only when a child is in danger is it unacceptable to allow a child to experience the natural consequence of his own behavior or choices. Logical consequences occur when a child experiences a result from his behavior in the social environment. For example, if he hits other children, they will avoid him. A logical consequence can also occur when a parent intervenes and imposes a consequence that is logically related to the childs behavior. For example, if a child is damaging a toy, it is reasonable for the parent to give the child a choice: treat the toy properly or put the toy away. Through logical consequences, children are offered choices and are encouraged to make responsible decisions. Time-outs are a special type of logical consequence in which the parent intervenes to interrupt destructive or extreme behavior. Before a time-out, the child should always be given the option to voluntarily change his behavior. If she chooses not to, the child can be separated from other family members. Time-outs should not be treated as a punishment, but as an opportunity for the child to cool down and reflect. Positive consistency promotes learning. When the environment, people, and events are inconsistent, children dont know what to expect and become confused. When they are confused, they often push the limits to try to establish boundaries. Action is more effective than words are in times of conflict. Children can develop a special condition called parent-deafness that allows them to ignore parents until voices are raised and parental action becomes likely. Usually children know very well what is expected of them. Action is much more effective than talking, threatening or scolding. Save talk for reasonable discussions of rules and limits during times when there is not a conflict, and for friendly conversations that build the relationship.
Having Fun
Having fun with your child is both an end in itself and a gauge of how your relationship is going. In a good relationship, even when there are difficulties and challenges, parents and children will enjoy each others company and have fun together. If, overall, the parent and child are not having fun together, it is an indicator that something needs to be improved in the relationship. As you meet the families who have opened their lives to you in this program and you learn new skills and approaches, be sure to make having fun a high priority in your family life. Remember, the purpose of this program is to help you build a strong, positive and enduring relationship with your child that will bring happiness into both your lives.
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Copy and clip this checklist. Post it on your fridge or in another handy spot.
KEEPING TRACK
of GOOD PARENTING PRACTICES
Are You ...
focusing on the relationship between you and your child? being respectful to the child and to yourself? being aware of what you are teaching your child? using I-messages or the needs of the situation rather than you-messages? focusing on managing yourself, not the child? giving appropriate attention and instruction to the child? promoting opportunities for the child to contribute? developing simple rules and consistent routines? allowing the child to learn from natural consequences? creating non-punitive logical consequences when necessary? being consistent? taking action rather than talking? being an observer of yourself and your child? having fun as a parent?
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