GETTING Past NO NEGOTIATING IN DIFFICULT SITUATIONS WILLIAM URYOverview BREAKING THROUGH BARRIERS TO COOPERATION Frustrated. We sant to get to yes, but often the answer we ft back is NO. Think of «type ays “Dom be vd You arrive work for a morning mee carefully prepar teed that and During youBREAKING THROUGH BARRIERS TO COOPERATION in a cooperative spirit but frequently we find ourselves ict back is NO. hia want 1 get to yes but often the answer we 1 typical day: Over breakfast you may get into think is time, but your spouse says, ‘Don't he ti ulows! You know we can't afford it right wow." ¥ os interrupts you after mi ried that and itd’. work. Nex temsip: “Is ply 1m the afternoon you bring an skeady-ngreoupo Contract wo client for hs site: Vou hive mpd itm srry. My bes refuses toohay the purchase ae but the line is ied up by your thirtcen-vear Exar ‘down the hall,“Why don’ you get me ny own phe | fet me my own phone line All my fiends have them ach of us faces tough negotiations with an iriable spouse, a domincering boss, rigid salesperson, a tricky 3 an impossible teenager, Under areas, ever nable people ean turn own oF break down, “onsumning our time, Keeping ws avakeat night, and giving Broadly defined, negotiation ithe process of hack-and. forth communication aimed a reaching agreement wit are opposed. Negotiation isnot limited to the activity of formally sting across table discussing 4 contents i sue cis he informa tivity you engage in whenever Something you wart from anath you want her person Think for a mon nt about how you make important sions in your life—the decisions that have the gresten impact on your performance st work x me. How many of those decisions ean you make negotiation? Most people I ask this question answer: “I have to negotiate almost ll of them.” Ne ation is the preseminent forth of decision-making in per ind professional life, tis also increasingly the most important means of mak ing decisions in the public arena, Even if we arent per sowully siting at the table ations. When talks betwe board and teachers union break down and the teachers ike, our chiklren end up staying home from 3. When negotiations between our business ane a tho tential purchaser fall through and the business goes bank rupt, fe may lose our jobs. When discuss Joint Problem-Solving We may all be negotiators, yet many of us don’ lke t are “soft in order to preserve the relationship, we end up fing up our postion. f we are “hard” in order to win our position, we strain the relationship or perhaps lose i ahogetber There isan akernative: joint problem-solving, Its nek ther exclusively soft nor hard, but a combinatir iso an the people, hart on the problem. stead of aang, ach other, you jointly attack the probkind of negosiatio identifying each side's mer he concerns, neds, Fears arl desis that ui es. You then e erests, ¥ You mayen u ests while staying within the raise next year to pay back the ke ansolving can generate better results for both sides. Te saves time and energy by cutting out the posturing, And i usally leads to better working relation a Five Barriers to CooperationFidelity: They no doubt produce more satisfying relation ‘ships. but they arehard ro apply in the real world of stresses and strains, temprations and tempests AAtthe start, you may ty to get your opponent to tackle ‘the problem jointly, but instead you may find yourselves ina face-to-face confrontation, Itsallroveas toe drawn imto a ferocious emotional bate, to fall back into the fa miliar routine of adopting rigid positions, or to Jet the other side tke advantage of you There are real-wcirld barriers that get in the way of cooperation. The five most common ones are Your reaction. The first barrier lies within you, Human beings are reaction machines. When you're under aren fr when you encounter a NO, or feel you are being at tacked, you naturally feel ike striking back. Usually tis just perpetuates the action:reaction cyte that leaves both sides losers. Or, alternatively, you may react y impulsively giving in just to end the negotiation avd preserve the ve lationship, You lose and, having demonstrated your weak ‘ess. you expose yourself to exploitation by others. The problem you thus face in negotiation is not only the other ‘ide's difficult behavior but your own reaction, which ean ‘asly perpetuate that behavior Their emotion. The next bazvcr i the other side's negative ‘emotions Behind their attacks may He anger and host Behind their rigid p tay le tear and distrust. Con Vinced they are right and you are wrong, they may refuse tointen, Seeing the world as eat-or-be-aten, they ay fee justified in using nasty tactics Their position. in fem and atack it together. ‘The bartiet in the way f the other sides p onitonal behavior: their habit of digging ints position and trying wo yet you to give in. Often they know no other way to negotiate. They ate merely using the con ventional negotiating tactics they fist learned in the sand- box. In their eyes the only alternative i fr them to give in—and they certainly don’ wan wo do that Their dissatisfaction. Your goal may be o reach a mutually atisfactory agreement, but you may ind dhe other se not atallncerested in such an outcome. They mano se haw itil benef them. Even if you can satity their interests, they may fear losing face if they have to ick down, And if icisyouridea, they may reject it for that reason alone Their power Finally, ifthe other side sees the negotiation asa win-ose proposition, they will be determined to beat you. They may'be guided by the precept "What's mine is mine. Whats yoursis negotiable.” If they can get what they want by power plays, why should they cooperate with you? Getting pastno requires breaking through each of these five barriers to cooperation: your reaction, their emotion, their posidon, sheir dissatisfaction, and their poser. Its ‘easy obeleve that stonewalling, atacks, and ticks are just part ofthe otherside's basic nature, and that there is ith you can dato change such difficult behavior. But you can affect this behavior if you can deal siccessfully with is ‘The Breakthrough Strategy This book lays out five-tep strategy for breaking through each of these five burriers—the strategy of bealiheugh An analogy trom sling will help explain this strategy.ther side regain then. To creat the right imate for join problem-solving, you need to defuse their negative cnen tions. To do this, you need todo the opposite of what they expect. They expect you wo behave lite an adversary. dee stead you should take their side by listening to thers aa Anowledging their points and ther feelings, agreeing ith thet, and showing them respect, Ifyou want to ok nde by side facing the problem, you will need to Sip Thai Side Step Three. Now you want to tackle the problem togethers This is hard to, however, when the oer sate digs int their posiion and tries to get you to give in. 1s natural to feel lke rejecting their position, bu this wll ony leah them to dig in further. $o do the opposite. Accept whatever ce tempt deal with the problem. For example, take their postion and probe bee hind ie “Tell me mote. Help me understand why yousen that." Act asi they were your partners yenuinely inten ‘sted in solving the problem. The third sep inthe breake through strategy isto Reframe say and reframe it as an Step Four. While you may now have engaged the other side in joint problem-solsing, you may all be far from Feachinga mutvally sistactory agreement. ‘The other side ‘may be dissatisfied, unconvinced ofthe benefits of agree ‘ment. You may fel lke pushing them, but this will ony ‘make them more resistant Sodothe opposite, Inthe words ff the Chinese sage, “build a golden bridge” trom thelr Position to 4 mutually satisfactory solution. Vou ‘nced ‘ridge the gap between their interests and yours, You nec fohelp them save face andl make the outcome look ike a victory for them. ‘The fourth step is to Bud Them « Cold Bridge Step Fine Despite your bet ffs, the oer se may sil power game, You maybe ered a this point excl Tests aol coercion often ble weer ae nd Wy se Forde tics, These ene power nto exalt, tw educate, Enfance your negotating poet anlage Big (Ben beck be aie che them ths they connot win by theses bu on oper ak pod, THE Eth sop to Ue Paw w Boner The sequence of the steps is important. You cannot defuse the other side's negative emotions unless you have trolled your own. It «hard to buik them a yolden bridge unles you have changed the game to joint problem you have when one solving. This step, you haye completed it, On the contrary, you need cep ong he ony thought tenet. A the other side's anger and frust to keep stepping to their sie, The proces slike asym phony in which the different instruments join in sexten aly and the ply the pars hough Breakthrough negotiation can be used with anyone an irascle bis, temperamental (ecrager, x hol imponible customer. It ean he used by diplomats ying to save off a war, layers trying to avoid a coy court battle, or spouses trying to keep a marriage togeter Becamse every person and every station is different, you will need 10 marry the five breakthrough principles 1 the particulars in order to with your own knovle ‘ate a strategy that works for you. There is no magic ecipe that will guarantee your success every negotiation ue with patience, persistence, nd the breakthrough strats that fllow explain the five b illustrating their application with & thet application wi PREPARE, PREPARE, PREPARE I once asked Lord Caradon, a British diplomat, what was the most valuable lesson he had learned during his hong iingyished service in government. "The most vak table lsson,"he replied,“ learned athe very star of my min istator. My superior would visita diferent with disputes and other pressing indemonium broke out as poo ple besieged him with requests and offered him coffee. Ie would ease und forgotten hi Just before he entered the Pill the jep off to the sid What i that we want 10 leave this achieved? He and I would answer the question. then we ul go into the willage. When we left that evening, he in pull the jeep off the road and ask, ‘Now, eid jestves but for cae simple habit. ge tonight having