“Family

 Rituals  and  Communication:  The  Construction  of  Family  Identity  and  Social  
Capital”  by  Carol  (Sessler)  Bruess  ’90  and  Anna  Kudak.    
 
This  excerpt  from  a  chapter  in  the  forthcoming  work  “Social  Capital  and  Family  
Business”  (2011),  edited  by  R.  Sorenson,  is  reproduced  here  by  kind  permission  of    
Edward  Elgar  Press.  
 
 
Introduction  to  Family  Ritual:  Creating  Family  Culture  and  Identity    
 
The  idea  of  ritual  often  conjures  images  of  religious  or  anthropological  practices;  in  
early  studies,  ritual  did  frequently  imply  magic,  myth,  or  taboo.  However,  family  
ritual  as  central  in  constructing  family  social  capital  refers  to  all  acts  of  
communication  –  from  the  routine  family  dinner  to  the  celebratory  family  holiday  
traditions–  which  pay  homage  to  something  that  is  sacred,  such  as  a  person,  
relationship,  object,  or  eventi  ii.  As  “symbolically  significant”  interactions,  rituals  
,

become  important  places  where  family  “business”  is  indeed  accomplished,  including  
the  work  of  keeping  in  touch,  updating  each  other  on  daily  events,  sharing  fleeting  
(or  ongoing)  emotions,  creating  and  perpetuating  family  identity,  expressing  
positive  or  negative  regard,  touching  base,  planning,  organizing,  coordinating  
schedules,  and  transmitting  family  values  between  generations,  among  multiple  
other  functions.  Family  rituals,  from  the  mundane  to  the  celebratory,  reflect  the  
dynamic  lives  of  21st  century  families.  Rituals  are  particularly  important  for  family  
members  who  also  share  a  business.  In  many  ways,  family  identity  is  expressed  in  
family  communicative  and  ritual  activity.  Family  identity  –  those  beliefs,  values,  
norms,  rules  and  expectations  shared  among  members  –    is  also  sustained  by  family  
[Link]  iv    
,

 
Most  relationship  scholars  in  the  field  of  communication  agree  that  maintaining  a  
relationship,  the  work  it  takes  to  keep  a  relationship  going,  is  the  most  important  
work  of  all.v  The  communicative  strategies  people  use  for  sustaining  long-­‐term  
relationships  –  especially  those  most  intimate  and  complex  relationships  of  family  –  
hinge  on  daily  communication  and  the  joint  development  of  a  family  relational  
[Link]  vii viii  ix  Families  are  mini-­‐cultures  in  which  we  develop  our  own  language,  
, , ,

rules,  worldviews,  identities,  customs,  and  rituals.  Created  in  and  through  
communication,  a  family’s  relationship  culture  –  similar  to  Sorenson, Goodpaster,
Hedberg, and Yu’s notion of a “family point of view” – is a co-constructed and shared
perspective.x Based on a family’s common moral convictions as well as from a jointly
constructed identity and repetitive, symbolically significant experiences (commonly
known as family rituals), a shared and strong family culture is a basis for shared dialogue
that has meaningful applications in family [Link]

From the communication discipline comes a perspective on family and symbolic

interaction that places meaning construction at the center of study; communication is
viewed not merely as a tool used by family members to build business, create dialogue,
and/or negotiate conflict. Rather, family is formed in and through the daily, routine, and
mundane communication of members. Through a communicative lens, families are
symbolic systems in which interactions – large and small, celebratory and routine –
compose our understanding of self, other, and the world. For members who also share a
family business, such compositions have an even greater stake. As one of the single most
illustrative and important types of symbolic family interaction, family rituals allow
members to examine and reflect on family communication dynamics. Family rituals, for
instance, serve as powerful sites of the routine conversation and communication that
creates our individual and collective relationship [Link] In total, family rituals have
a host of positive functions and provide many opportunities for building and sustaining
family social capital. Let’s take a closer look first at some of the meaning-making
activities in which rituals are developed, then explore the way rituals might be used to
consciously shape family and family member identity.

Manifestations of Family Ritual: Family Rules, Patterns, Images and Stories

The  study  of  family  communication  has  grown  rapidly  in  the  past  decade;  from  
multiple  disciplinary  perspectives,  our  understanding  of  both  macro  and  micro  
communicative  variables  is  stronger  than  ever.  From  a  meaning-­‐making  
perspective,  the  building  of  family  capital  is  similar  to  the  construction  of  a  strong  
family  culture.  The  complexity  of  a  family  system  increases  the  range  of  possible  
interpretations  within  that  system.  In  such  a  system,  family  rules,  communication  
patterns,  images,  stories,  and  rituals  serve  as  ongoing  central  communicative  acts  
through  which  family  identity  is  created  and  sustained.  As  communicative  
enactments,  rituals  build  identity  development;  they  are  created  in  and  through  –  
manifestations  of  –  a  family’s  rules,  image  of  self  and  members,  and  stories.  In  so  
many  ways,  “ritual  is  a  genre  of  communication  events.”xiii  Rituals  specifically,  and  
communication  more  generally,  are  “performances”  of  family  identity.  Let’s  take  a  
look  at  how  this  process  works.  
 
Family  Rules  as  Ritual    
 
One  of  the  primary  ways  that  families  develop  their  sense  of  identity  is  through  
shared  rules.  As  shared  understandings  of  what  communication  means  and  what  is  
expected  behavior  in  certain  situations,  rules  are  central  to  family  functioning  and  
even  more  so  for  families  sharing  a  business.  All  families  develop  rules  for  
interaction  in  the  family,  although  family  rules  are  often  unstated.  Think  of  some  of  
the  rules  guiding  what  you  are  not  allowed  to  talk  about  in  your  family.  Common  
taboo  topics  in  families  include  discussion  of  family  finances  or  sexual  activity.  
Where  and  when  did  you  learn  such  rules?    Most  of  us  learn  these  rules  over  time  
through  observation  of  other  family  members  or  because  we  actually  broke  the  rule.  
Not  all  rules  are  implicit  and  learned  only  through  experience  or  observation;  some  
rules  in  the  family  are  explicit  rules:  “Do  not  talk  back  to  your  mother!”    

***  
 
Communication  Patterns  and  Behaviors  as  Ritual    
  
***

Gottman, a social psychologist and head of the Gottman Institute at the University of
Washington, has identified the communication behaviors most destructive in
[Link] xv xvi xvii xviii xix xx
, , , , , ,

***

What can his findings tell us about improving family social capital? We believe quite a
bit. … Happy couples were those that maintained a five to one ratio of positive to
negative moments in their relationship. It didn’t matter if couples fought a lot or very
little, or had great passion or very little; what did matter was the overall balance (5 to 1)
of positive to negative interactions. This seems like a meaningful concept as we consider
social capital.

The second striking conclusion of Gottman’s research, and which also has easy
application to family communication choices, is that all forms of negativity are not equal.
Gottman and his team found that certain negative communication behaviors are more
toxic than others and should, as he says, be “outlawed” from our relationships. These five
particularly corrosive behaviors work like a cancer in our interactions, destroying the
relationships and the goodwill between its members. They are: 1) Criticism: evaluating
and judging the other person in an interaction, 2) Defensiveness: responding in an
oppositional manner that does not acknowledge the other person’s ideas or opinions, 3)
Contempt: the act of despising or communicating a lack of respect for another person.
Gottman suggests that a simple nonverbal behavior such as the “roll of the eyes” can
communicate contempt in a relationship. 4) Stonewalling: removing oneself physically or
emotionally from an interaction, like putting up a stone wall. Eighty-five percent of
stonewallers in Gottman’s research were male. And 5) Belligerence: acting in a hostile or
combative manner, as if looking for a fight.

***

Family Image as Ritual

Families also develop a shared identity, and greater social capital, by creating a shared
image. Metaphorically, a family image is an understood or created likeness; it reflects
what the family is like, what is expected in the family, how important family is, patterns
of communication among members, and between members and the outside world. Family
images and metaphors construct the reality of family members.

***

What  image  do  you  have  of  your  family?    Do  you  see  your  family  as  a  football  team,  a  
concert  band,  characters  in  a  comedy  skit,  waves  in  an  ocean,  or  the  components  of  a  
salad?  Is  your  image  reflected  in  the  mission  statement  or  daily  practices  of  your  
business?    
 
***  

Family Stories as Ritual

A cornerstone of family communication research is found in the literature on family

stories and storytelling. As a means for creating family identity and sharing meaning,
stories reveal and build family capital. As ritual activities in families, they shape our
families in ways often unnoticed until a primary storyteller is gone or until decades after
the event inspiring the story has passed.

***

Changing Your Family Rituals Toward (Re)Constructing Your Family Identity

Without  ritual  interaction,  our  families  would  lack  many  intricate,  delicate,  multi-­‐
vocal,  multi-­‐layered,  sometimes  painful  but  always  powerful  interactions,  
negotiations,  and  creations  of  identity.  Rituals  are  pivotal  yet  often  mundane  acts  of  
family  identity,  unveiling  themselves  through  cues  both  big  and  small,  each  a  kind  of  
“moral  commentary  about  what  is  valued,  or  an  expressive  hope  for  what  could  
be.”xxi    Knowingly  or  not,  families  use  rituals  to  create  and  recreate  family  identity,  
consciously  and  unconsciously  relying  on  them  through  both  the  spectacular  and  
the  banal  events  of  every  family’s  life.  But  can  we  intentionally  change  our  rituals  to  
enhance,  alter,  and/or  recreate  our  family’s  identity?  Yes,  yes,  and  yes.  However,  
such  work  –  because  it  is  relational  work  –  is  often  emotional  and  not  immediately  
or  clearly  successful;  it  can  also  cause  upheaval  as  the  family  system  tries  to  adjust  
and  respond  to  change.    
 
***  
 
Here,  let’s  review  those  findings  most  useful  toward  our  goal  of  creating,  sustaining,  
and  transforming  family  identity  in  the  context  of  family  business.    
 
***  
 
Replacing  Negative  Rituals  with  Positive  Rituals    
 
Clearly,  rituals  play  an  essential  role  in  the  positive  development  of  individuals  and  
[Link]  xxiii  …  Although  ritual  is  recognized  in  research  as  an  overwhelmingly  
,

positive  act,  rituals  can  also  come  to  feel  like  obligations,  reflect  outdated  tradition,  
feel  empty  or  uncomfortable,  and/or  represent  negative  patterns  of  interaction  not  
welcome  by  all  members.    
 
***  
 
Because  rituals  –  especially  those  reflecting  our  patterns  of  interaction  –  are  often  
tightly  woven  into  the  fabric  of  our  daily  lives,  we  often  don’t  recognize  when  and  
how  they  are  perceived  by  others.  A  negative  ritual  can  often  open  the  door  –  once  
recognized  –  for  a  more  positive  and  productive  communicative  act.  
 
***  
 
Changing  Rituals  that  Prioritize  Business  Over  Family    
 
***  
 
As  in  the  lesson  above  –  replacing  a  negative  ritual  with  a  positive  one  –  when  
rituals  no  longer  “celebrate  common  family  identity”  in  a  way  that  all  family  
members  wish,xxiv  they  should  be  examined,  changed,  or  abandoned.  Here’s  an  
instructive  example:  
 
Joanne,  the  family  matriarch,  began  to  notice  that  holiday  gatherings  were  filled  with  
discussions  about  the  business.  She  became  increasingly  concerned  that  the  business  
was  taking  precedent  and  being  viewed  as  “more  important”  than  the  family.  More  
and  more,  she  worried  that  establishing  congenial  family  relationships  was  no  longer  a  
priority.  Finally,  she  decided  to  take  a  stand  and  create  a  new  rule:  No  discussion  
about  business  at  family  holiday  gatherings!  The  focus  of  holiday  gatherings  would  be  
on  fun  and  enjoying  the  relationships  among  members,  not  discussing  business  
successes,  challenges,  and  opportunities.  Period.  
 
***  
 
Restructuring  Family  Communication  Toward  Changing  Family  Identity  and  Roles  
 
Classic  ritual  researchers  Bossard  and  Bollxxv  made  the  poignant  suggestion  that  
ritual  is  "the  core  of  family  culture.”  As  we’ve  been  seeing  time  and  again  in  this  
chapter,  most  researchers  believe  rituals  are  not  only  communicative  enactments  
themselves,  but  create  and  sustain  the  identities,  communication  patterns,  and  roles  
in  families.  When  such  patterns  and/or  roles  become  troublesome  and/or  no  longer  
serve  positive  functions  for  some  or  many  members,  change  is  not  only  desirable,  
but  necessary  if  the  family  business  is  to  succeed.    
 
***  
 
Challenging  and  Changing  Family  Images,  Rules  and  Norms    
 
***  
 
Rituals  are  “expressive  of  social  relations,”xxvi  depicting  not  only  the  norms  of  family  
life  and  thus  the  images  families  create  of  themselves,  but  cultural  norms  for  
members  as  well.  Although  we  each  –  as  family  business  members  and  individuals  in  
families  –  are  situated  within  a  larger  cultural  system,  we  can  work  to  change  those  
roles  and  images  in  our  own  family  systems  by  challenging  the  assumptions  by  
which  they  are  created  and  sustained.  
 
Using  Ritual  and  Communication  to  Protect  Family  from  Alcoholism    
 
***    
 
For  families  who  have  had  or  are  currently  experiencing  alcoholism,  it  is  probably  
not  a  surprise  that  any  illness,  especially  alcoholism,  “can  become  a  powerful  
organizer  of  family  life,  altering  the  details  of  daily  routines  as  well  as  special  
occasions.”xxvii  Bennett  and  colleagues  found  that  in  families  where  rituals  were  
sustained  and  kept  intact  (e.g.,  the  family  dinnertime  ritual  and  other  similar  
patterned  daily  interactions),  children  were  less  likely  to  continue  the  alcoholic  
tendencies  in  their  own  adult  lives.  Rituals  act  as  buffers,  giving  members  a  sense  of  
predictability  and  stability.  They  organize  family  life.  They  also  provide  
opportunities  for  support  from  other  family  members  to  confront  –  instead  of  
enabling  –  the  alcoholic’s  ability  to  control  or  dominate  interactions  and  behaviors.    
 
***  
 
Conclusion    
 
What  do  we  learn  here?  First,  families  are  constructions  of  our  own  making,  
requiring  a  mindful,  knowledge-­‐driven  approach  to  their  maintenance  and  success.  
Second,  family  rituals  are  commonly  underestimated  and  overlooked;  as  decades  of  
research  supports,  family  rituals  are  some  of  the  most  powerful  sites  of  rich  and  
meaningful  family  interaction,  and  are  primary  contributors  to  family  identity.  
Third,  building  a  strong  family  culture  is  essential,  and  we  are  wise  to  be  deliberate  
about  the  process,  giving  attention  to  language  development,  rule  structures,  our  
daily  patterns  of  negativity  and  positivity,  and  to  the  stories  that  sustain  our  legacies  
and  satisfy  our  needs  to  create  identity  as  part  of  a  family  group.  For  all  family  
members  –  especially  those  working  together  in  business  –  conscious  attention  to  
making  and  maintaining  a  strong  family  is  difficult  and  ceaseless,  yet  fruitful  and  
highly  satisfying  work.  From  a  communicative  perspective,  making  smart  choices  
toward  effective  and  constructive  –  not  mindless  and  destructive  –  communication  
is  essential  to  success  and  satisfaction.  We  hope  you  learned  a  bit  more  about  the  
former  and  will  apply  these  lessons  in  your  own  family  and  business.  Working  
toward  an  improved  communication  climate  in  our  families  will,  no  doubt,  provide  a  
high  return  on  our  investment.  As  Bossard  and  Boll  (1950)  long  ago  suggested:  Just  
as  those  religions  with  the  most  elaborate  and  pervasive  rituals  best  retain  the  
allegiance  of  their  members,  so  families  that  do  things  together  prove  to  be  the  most  
stable  onesxxviii  (foreword).  
 

 
                                                                                                                
i  C.  J  .S.  Bruess,  &  J.  [Link],  “The  Function  of  Mundane  Ritualizing  in  Adult    

Friendship  and  Marriage,”  Communication  Research  Reports  19  (2002):  314-­‐326.    

ii  
E.   Goffman,   Interaction   Ritual:   Essays   on   Face-­to-­Face   Behavior,   (Garden  
City,    
NY:  Anchor,  1967).    
 
iii   B.   H.   Fiese,   Family   Routines   and   Rituals,   (New   Haven:   Yale   University   Press,  

2006).  
iv  B.  Fiese,  T.  Tomcho,  M.  Douglas,  K.  Josephs,  S.  Poltrock,  &  T.  Baker,  “A    

Review  of  50  Years  of  Research  on  Naturally  Occurring  Routines  and  Rituals:  Cause  
for  Celebration?”  Journal  of  Family  Psychology  16  (2002):  381-­‐390.  
 
v  L.  Stafford,  &  D.  Canary,  “Maintenance  Strategies  and  Romantic  Relationship  

Type,  Gender,  and  Relational  Characteristics,”  Journal  of  Social  and  Personal  
Relationships  8  (1991):  217-­‐242.  
 
vi  L.  A.  Baxter,  “Symbols  of  Relationship  Identity  in  Relationship  Cultures,”  

Journal  of    
Social  and  Personal  Relationships  4  (1987):  261-­‐280.    
vii  L.  A.  Baxter  &  C.  Clark,  “Perceptions  of  Family  Communication  Patterns  and  

the    
Enactment  of  Family  Rituals,”  Western  Journal  of  Communication  60  (1996):  254-­‐
268.  
viii  M.  Orbe  &  C.  Bruess,  Contemporary  Issues  in  Interpersonal  Communication  

(Los  Angeles:  Roxbury,  2005).    

ix  J.  T.  Wood,  “Communication  and  Relational  Culture:  Bases  for  the  Study  of    

Human  Relationships,”  Communication  Quarterly  30  (1982):  75-­‐84.  

 
     x  R.  Sorenson,  K.  Goodpaster,  P.  Hedberg,  &  A.  Yu,  “The  Family  Point  of  View,  
Family  Social  Capital,  and  Firm  Performance:  An  Exploratory  Test,”  Family  Business  
Review  22  (2009):  1-­‐15.  
 
xi
R. Sorenson, et al., 1-15.
xii  C.  J.  Bruess,  &  A.  Hoefs,  “The  Cat  Puzzle  Recovered:  Composing  

Relationships    
Through  Family  Ritual,”  in  Composing  Relationships,  ed.  J.  Wood  &  S.  Duck  (Belmont,    
CA:  Wadsworth,  2006).  
 
xiii  L.  A.  Baxter  &  D.  O.  Braithwaite,  “Family  Rituals,”  in  The  Family  

Communication    
                                                                                                                
Sourcebook,  ed.  L.  Turner  &  R.  West  (Thousand  Oaks,  CA:  Sage,  2006),  259-­‐280.  
 
xiv
J. L. Driver & J. M. Gottman, “Daily Marital Interactions and Positive Affect
During Marital Conflict Among Newlywed Couples,” Family Process 43 (2004): 301-
314.
xv
J. M. Gottman & J. DeClaire, The Relationship Cure, (NY: Crown Publishing,
2001).
xvi
J. M. Gottman, & J. L. Driver “Dysfunctional Marital Conflict and Everyday
Marital Interaction,” Journal of Divorce & Remarriage 43 (2005): 63-78.
xvii
J. M. Gottman & J. S. Gottman, And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for
Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives, (New York:
Crown Publishing, 2007).
xviii
J. M. Gottman, J. S. Gottman, & J. Declaire, Ten Lessons to Transform Your
Marriage: America’s Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your
Relationship. (New York: Crown Publishing, 2006).
xix
J. M. Gottman & N. Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
(New York: Crown Publishing, 1999).
xx
A. F. Shapiro & J. Gottman, “Effects on Marriage of a Psycho-Communicative-
Educational Intervention with Couples Undergoing the Transition to Parenthood,
Evaluation at 1-year Post-Intervention,” Journal of Family Communication 5 (2005): 1-
24.

xxi  L.  A.  Baxter  &  D.  O.  Braithwaite,  259-­‐280.  

 
xxii  L.  A.  Baxter  &  D.  O.  Braithwaite,  259-­‐280.  

xxiii  Fiese,  et  al.,  381-­‐390.    

 
xxiv  L.  A.  Baxter,  D.  O.    Braithwaite,  J.    Kellas,  C.  LeClair-­‐Underberg,  E.  Lamb-­‐

Normand,    
T.  Routsong,  &  M.  Thatcher,  “Empty  Ritual:  Young-­‐adult  Stepchildren’s    
Perceptions  of  the  Remarriage  Ceremony,”  Journal  of  Social  and  Personal  
Relationships  (in    
press).  
 
xxv
J. H. S. Bossard & E. S. Boll, 463-469.
xxvi
L. A. Baxter & D. O. Braithwaite, 259-280.

  xxvii  L.  A.  Bennett,  S.  J.  Wolin,  D.  Reiss,  &  M.  A.  Teitelbaum,  “Couples  at  Risk  for  

Transmission  of  Alcoholism:  Protective  Influences,”  Family  Process  2  (1987):  111–

                                                                                                                
129.  
 
xxviii
J. H. S. Bossard & E. S. Boll, 463-469.

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