Whether

you’re an introvert or an extrovert, I hope this book has opened your

eyes and your heart. Here are a few key points to remember as you continue your
CONCLUSION journey through school and life:

When I was young, I had never heard of the terms introvert and extrovert. But I EMBRACE YOUR SUPERPOWER: During your school years,
wish I’d known about the science and psychology of personality, so I could have when being loud and social is often such an important social
understood that what I was experiencing was normal. Understanding at a deep currency, quiet can seem like a weakness. But I hope you now
level who you are, and what you need, is so empowering. I’ve experienced it in understand that we introverts are a truly powerful bunch. You can
my own life, as I’ve matured from a shy girl who struggled with public speaking count celebrity actresses, revolutionary scientists, brilliant writers,
to a successful author and businesswoman who lectures in stadiums. The process billionaires, All-Star athletes, comedians, and so many other unique
of researching this book, and hearing the stories of so many young people, has individuals as part of your psychological tribe. All of these people,
only affirmed my belief in the importance of self-awareness. Whether you’re an and so many of the kids whose stories I’ve told in this book, have
introvert or an extrovert, I hope the stories and insights in this book will help you learned to embrace their secret strengths as introverts: deep thinking,
understand yourself, your friends, your families, and even those random intense focus, comfort with solitude, and excellent listening skills.
classmates you pass each day in the halls.
While researching this book, my colleagues and I spoke to many inspiring EXPAND YOUR COMFORT ZONE: Never use introversion as an
kids and teenagers who reflected on their experiences. One was Ryan, whom excuse to avoid trying something new. I wouldn’t have dreamed that
you’ll remember as the shy actor from chapter 13. He shared a number of stories I’d become a celebrated public speaker when I was in middle school.
about his experiences as a performer, but he also sent us an essay he wrote about But I slowly tested the edges of my comfort zone, practicing in
how understanding introversion has changed his life. The essay is a remarkably small groups first, then graduating to larger and larger audiences. No
mature meditation on what it’s like to be a quiet teen, and so I’d like to share its matter what you’re trying to do, I encourage you to find your own
ending here. “I now feel no qualms accommodating my introversion,” Ryan limits and then stretch them, within reason. Stretch your internal
wrote. “It isn’t a secret to be covered up or a blemish to hide. I don’t hold myself rubber band, but do so comfortably.
to the extrovert ideal anymore, and it is more freeing than I ever could have
imagined.” FIND THE RIGHT LIGHTING: Some of you might thrive in the
Peter, the Ohio student who used to have a smoking problem, told us: “I’m warm glare of the spotlight. You might truly find yourself onstage,
used to spending time alone; I’m not ashamed of it. I think it’s actually prepared singing, dancing, or inhabiting a character. For others, the right
me for a lot of social situations. A lot of my friends won’t go to a party unless lighting could be the glow of your laptop while you learn code or a
they definitely know someone there, but I don’t mind either way. I know how to single lamp that allows you to read or write in solitude. You have to
manage on my own and I feel confident about my ability to occupy and entertain find what’s comfortable for you. Find your fascination—the thing
myself.” I’m happy to tell you that he doesn’t feel the need to leave parties for that lights you up.
smoking breaks anymore.
Lola, the popular introvert, echoed this sentiment. “There are times when I PURSUE THOSE PASSIONS: Nothing motivates you to push
wish I were more social, and I want to be like other people. At the same time, I’d yourself and test your limits like a cause, a goal, or an interest. This
rather accept myself as I’m transitioning and not worry how other people are could be a sport, an art, or an innate desire to tinker and build.
flourishing in their own social lives. I just want to keep accepting myself as how Several years ago I learned that my mission was writing, and
I am.” spreading the Quiet Revolution. I haven’t traveled all over the world
 speaking before huge audiences because I love the attention. The kids like you making their way through those crowded, chaotic halls.
reason I walk out there in front of all those people is that I believe in As an introvert, you can accomplish anything.
my mission; I need to tell people about the power of quiet. Find your
own passion, remain true to yourself and your strengths, and you FIND YOUR VOICE: I want to close with this excerpt from a college
will accomplish your goals. essay by Chloe, an introvert from Massachusetts, about coming to
understand her quiet ways: “Finding my voice has involved finding
RECHARGE YOUR BATTERIES: As you venture out and test out who I am. I believe that as I come to know myself better I find
yourself in more extrovert-friendly situations and environments, confidence, and with that comes a voice. Finding my voice is not
remember your need for calm and quiet. Take the time to reenergize just speaking more in class; it’s finding a presence and discovering
yourself and find your own restorative niche. It could be a walk what I stand for and then standing up for it. It’s learning that
along a river, a stretch of time behind a closed door, or even a few everything I say does not have to be perfect or even right. . . . The
minutes with your eyes closed and your headphones on, listening to comfort that I found in my silences has fallen away. I can no longer
music as you block out the rest of the world. Electronics don’t run just listen actively; I have to use my voice too. . . . I am slowly
well when their batteries are drained. Neither do you. finding comfort in being uncomfortable and am beginning to like the
sound of my own voice.”
VALUE TRUE FRIENDSHIPS: One of the wonderful aspects of
being introverted is that we cherish intimate, deep relationships. We
treasure time spent with one or two friends. Having a few true
friends is so much more important than tallying dozens of virtual
friends or tentative alliances. Don’t let the popularity wars fool you.
Value and cultivate your close relationships, and leave yourself open
to finding new friends in unexpected places.

PARTNER WITH YOUR OPPOSITES: As introverts, we can

learn so much from our more outgoing friends, classmates, and
siblings. They can help us to grow as people and expand our comfort
zones. Plus, extroverts can benefit from trying out our more quiet
and contemplative style of living. We can forge rich and strong
friendships. And when we partner together in the service of a cause
or mission, we become that much more powerful, as our strengths
balance one another’s weaknesses.

HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF: Although this might seem like a

hard time to be quiet, stay strong. Remember that there are more of
us introverts out there than you might think. A third to a half of the
population is introverted, which means there are quite a few more
THE QUIET REVOLUTION IN THE
CLASSROOM: AN AFTERWORD
FOR TEACHERS
Shortly after the publication of Quiet, I received a note from a teacher at
Greenwich Academy, a private girls’ school in Connecticut. She had read the
book the previous summer. It prompted her to look at many of her students
through a new lens, and she decided that her school would benefit from a deeper
understanding of the needs of introverted students. The teacher, Mrs. French,
also oversaw one of several student research groups within the school. These
girls would join together at the start of the year, choose a research project related
to the lives of boys and girls, then go out and gather data on the subject. At the
start of that school year, Mrs. French sat down with one of her groups and asked
if any of the girls had ever been encouraged to participate more in class. The
girls had a mix of personalities, but the quiet ones in the group immediately
perked up. That one question sparked a discussion, and the girls quickly began
working to find out more. Before long, they had decided they wanted to study
what it was like to be an introvert at their school.
During the fall semester, they read portions of Quiet, viewed my TED Talk,
and began planning their research. In January, they conducted a focus group of
teachers. The teachers weren’t aware of the topic, but once the girls started
asking what it took to be a successful student, how the teachers viewed an ideal
student, and other questions, the teachers realized that the girls were most
curious about classroom participation. The focus group quickly turned into an
open discussion, as the teachers began asking questions of their own.
When it became clear that the girls were focused on quiet students and their
experiences in school, the teachers had very different responses. Some continued
to insist that spoken participation was essential. Others wanted to learn more website, [Link]. Please do get in touch—we would love to connect with
about introversion and potentially adjust their teaching style. They spoke about you and your school!
shifting from participation to engagement, as we discussed in chapter 2, and a In the meantime, here are three techniques for you to consider as you move
few teachers shared the strategies they’d developed for quiet kids. For example, from a model of classroom participation to engagement:
one teacher made a practice of approaching quiet kids privately, telling them the
focus of the next class, and suggesting that they prepare something in advance.
That way, if she called on them, they’d be ready. EMBRACE TECHNOLOGY
After the focus group, the girls sent a survey to every student in the upper
school, asking questions similar to the quiz at the start of this book. They Many worry that online media can be a crutch, especially for students who aren’t
discovered that roughly one-third of the girls at their school were introverted, as comfortable with live exchanges—but in fact it can be a bridge. Take the
in the general population. With Mrs. French’s help, they arranged to have Quiet example of Michelle Lampinen, a high school English teacher in Freehold, New
placed on the staff’s summer reading list. Jersey. Lampinen has experimented with using Twitter and live chats while
When I visited the school some time later, I was struck by the impressive watching in-class movies of books the group has read. She has found—as many
level of awareness about introverts and extroverts alike. The school hadn’t been other teachers report—that kids who rarely raise their hands in a live class
transformed, exactly. It still embraced the loud and crazy events that extroverts discussion readily add insights via the keyboard. One year, she also asked each
favor. On the first day of the year, for example, the school hosts a wild of her students to create a blog, with ten entries that they wrote over the course
celebration for the new seniors, full of music, dancing, and primal screams. At of the year. She also required the students to comment intelligently on their
the morning assembly, each senior runs down the auditorium aisle through a classmates’ blogs. This not only forced her students to read and process
tunnel formed by their peers’ outstretched arms. Then she steps to the podium classmates’ ideas, but also prompted in-person discussions that would not have
and screams. That tradition was still intact when I visited. In fact, one of the girls taken place but for the intervention of online media.
in the research group, an extrovert named Madison, could not have been more
excited about the prospect of all that madness. “I’ve had dreams about it!” she
confessed with a laugh. “But my really good friend, a complete introvert, said, ‘I
don’t hate it, but it’s not my thing.’”
What impressed me was how well this school had taken into account both
sets of needs. The teachers had begun to change their approach to participation BUILD IN THINKING TIME!
in order to engage their quieter students, but none of these changes had come at
the expense of the extroverted students. In fact, they benefited both types of kids.
Jabiz Raisdana, a middle-school teacher in Singapore, once believed that spoken
In one of Madison’s classes, the teacher began insisting that the girls think for a
participation was essential. “I fell in that rut of thinking that people who are
minute before answering one of his questions. Madison admitted that she was
introverts or quiet need to be improved, so to speak,” he admitted. Then a
usually eager to blurt something out immediately, whether it was right or wrong,
student led him to change both his attitude and his process. “I had this one
but that the added time forced her to think more carefully.
student,” he recalled, “and he was an amazingly talented filmmaker and super-
These kinds of changes have begun at a number of schools across the
super-introverted.”
country, and my colleagues and I plan to spread this Quiet Revolution even
The boy never spoke in class. For the first few days of school, Mr. Raisdana
further. We’re launching a pilot program for schools that want to “quietize” their
tried to encourage him to participate, asking for his opinion on a given subject.
curricula and school culture, and we’d love to talk to you about it. You can find
During the second week of class, the student finally spoke up. “I don’t have
more details about how to bring the Quiet Revolution to your school on our
anything that I feel I have to say right now,” he began. “When I do, I will, so
until then, please leave me alone.”
BREAK THE CLASS INTO SMALL
Mr. Raisdana wasn’t offended; he was floored. “I’m sitting there thinking, DISCUSSION GROUPS
‘This thirteen-year-old kid just owned me!’” Now, that student was—shall we
say—a little direct, and most teachers would probably not be as understanding
when spoken to in that way. Yet Mr. Raisdana listened because the boy Often, the same student who wouldn’t be comfortable addressing an entire
summarized the essential problem so perfectly: He didn’t see the point of classroom will find his or her voice in a small group or with a single trusted
speaking just to speak. And although the boy didn’t raise his hand, he partner. That’s why I’m a strong proponent of the Think/Pair/Share technique
consistently turned in very thoughtful, well-written assignments. Through his described in chapter 2. These can be great opportunities for the introverted kids
work he showed that he was listening to and absorbing every single word in in your classroom to express their ideas.
class. He was a model student. Just a really, really quiet one.
The boy inspired Mr. Raisdana to rethink the way he evaluated participation.
“Just because they’re not saying anything doesn’t mean they’re not engaged in
the material,” the teacher realized. “It’s often the kids who are blabbing on and
on who just want to hear themselves talk and really don’t know what they want
to talk about.” Mr. Raisdana found that he had a number of introverted kids in
his class, so he changed his teaching method. He would start out with a topic of
discussion, but instead of calling on kids right away, he asked them to write out
their ideas on the subject. After the writing time, the kids would take another few
minutes to read what their classmates had written, and add comments if they had
something to say. “Then we would go have our discussion,” Mr. Raisdana said.
“The kids had already thought about it. They’d already written and read what
other people had said, and in that way it wasn’t a cold turkey discussion.” The
mix of writing, reading, commentary, and class discussion amplified the voices
of the quiet kids. Mr. Raisdana didn’t force anyone to participate during the open
discussion, but often the introverted kids would anyway.
Introversion should not be seen as an excuse to remain silent, of course.
Ideally, young people should try to stretch themselves and raise their hands now
and then; after all, they’ll have to do some version of this during their adult lives
too. Kavan Yee, a high school teacher in Washington, D.C., was very sensitive
to the needs of his quiet kids, but he also believed that it was important for these
students to become comfortable speaking in class. He let them know before class
that he was going to ask their opinion on a particular question. He selected
questions that he knew—from their work or private conversations—would
interest his students, and increase their chances for success. “You should be able
to sit amongst a group of your peers and give a presentation or articulate your
ideas,” says Mr. Yee. “But I tell the students it’s their process, and their pace.”
 the playing field, a stage, a lab, an extracurricular activity, or a simple piece of
paper. Introverts tend to be driven by their interests and passions, naturally
A GUIDE FOR PARENTS organizing their lives around the things they love most to do. This is a great
boon, because focusing on one or two pursuits tends to build mastery in a given
This is a book for and about young readers, but I suspect that some parents may area, and mastery builds self-confidence—rather than the other way around.
skim these pages as well. The school years can be challenging for introverts— Many introverted kids also find friends through their shared passions, rather than
and for their parents too. The most important advice I can offer is to help your by socializing for its own sake. In the name of their passions, some kids even
quiet children to draw on their own natural strengths—as listeners, observers, find themselves ascending to leadership positions they wouldn’t otherwise have
thinkers, and quietly determined doers. It’s our role as parents to help our dreamed of.
children grow, and to explore their limits, while also making sure to honor, and As a parent, one of the best things you can do is to simply get out of the way.
take delight, in who they actually are. As Eleanor, the mother of an introverted Make sure your child is exposed to many different subjects and pursuits—and
teen boy, puts it: “It’s more important for introverted kids to show that you’re on then let him or her go. Don’t expect your child’s passions to ignite instantly.
their team. They need more team members than the normal teens—people who Developing and cultivating enthusiasms can be the work of a lifetime, but it’s
really know them.” well worth the wait.
If you’re interested in learning more about how to parent your quiet teen,
Quiet Revolution is launching a series of interactive, multimedia master classes
designed expressly for parents like you. These classes will give you the
parenting tools you need; the scripts to advocate for your child with teachers and
well-meaning friends and relatives who comment on his or her quiet ways; and
an online forum for interacting with other parents of quiet children. You’ll be HELP YOUR CHILD TO NAVIGATE
able to swap stories, ask for and give advice, and build a support network with
moms and dads who are facing similar rewards and challenges with their own
SOCIAL LIFE
quiet children. If you’re interested in learning more, please feel free to visit
[Link]. Let’s face it: Adolescence + social life can be a rocky road—and all the more so
In the meantime, here are a few simple strategies you can start to use right for introverted kids, who are usually living in school cultures in which being
away. gregarious and outgoing is the most highly valued currency. As a loving parent,
you’ll likely be eager to help your child navigate these waters. Before you
plunge in, though, it helps to remember that you’ll likely face different
challenges as a parent, depending on whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert
yourself.
ENCOURAGE MASTERY AND SELF- If you’re an introvert, you can probably empathize easily with your child’s
experiences, but you may sometimes feel those struggles too vicariously. If this
EXPRESSION describes you, you may need to do some inner work of your own—whether with
a friend, a therapist, or through meditation—to learn to love your quiet self, and
to realize that your child is a different person who is not destined to repeat the
The value of mastery and self-expression for any child can’t be overstated, but same painful experiences you may have weathered during your own
introverted kids in particular should be encouraged to find an outlet, whether on adolescence.
 If you’re an extrovert, in contrast, you may have the advantage of being able RESEARCH: Encourage your child to master the subject he’ll be
to provide your child a role model of an easygoing approach to social life. But presenting, whether it’s a book, a news topic, or a famous historical
you may struggle to relate to your child’s inner experiences and concerns. figure. Remember that mastery breeds confidence, not the other way
Extroverted parents are often mystified by their introverted child’s apparent lack around!
of interest in parties and other social engagements.
The trick is often to find a happy medium between a hands-off and hands-on BRAINSTORM: Offer a whiteboard, chalkboard, or even a large piece
approach to your child’s social life. If your child shows signs of being in trouble of paper for jotting down a list of key facts or ideas.
or wanting to talk, then by all means be there for him or her; it can often help to
role-play a difficult social situation at the kitchen table the night before your DISCUSS: Interview your child about the topic in a friendly way; he or
child has to enact it at the school cafeteria. But do know that psychologists such she might find a particular area of focus just through the
as Kenneth Rubin at the University of Maryland have found that as long as kids conversation, and this will be a first bit of practice in presenting the
have one or two close friends, they have all the indicators they need for a happy topic out loud.
future. They absolutely don’t need to be part of a large and gregarious band of
friends—even if that kind of social life made you happy during your own OUTLINE AND PREPARE: Next, your child should be ready to
adolescence. Many introverts form a small number of strong and loyal identify the main points of the presentation, assemble the
friendships throughout their childhood and adult years. “Remember that if you appropriate visual aids, if allowed, and even write out the full
have one true friend, you’re luckier than anyone else in the world, because it’s so presentation when appropriate.
hard to have a true friendship,” says the psychologist Vidisha Patel. “If you have
that one true friend, you’re doing really, really well.” REHEARSE: Whether you use dolls, toys, or family members, make
sure that your child practices the presentation repeatedly at home or
in a small, trusted group. Remind your child to smile and make eye
PREPARE FOR ORAL PRESENTATIONS contact with a few different people, and to breathe for relaxation.

Some introverts are very comfortable with public speaking. If your child is one
of them, more power to her! But if your child is one of the many with stage
fright—public speaking is the world’s most common phobia, afflicting
extroverts as well as introverts—here are some ways to help him overcome it:
CULTIVATE A RESTORATIVE NICHE
MONITOR ANXIETY LEVELS: It’s great to ask your child to step
outside her comfort zone—but she needs to do so within manageable
anxiety levels. Ask how anxious she is on a scale of 1 to 10. You Giving introverts the quiet time they need is the key to their emotional health
want her to be in the 4 to 6 range. The 7 to 10 range approaches and success at school, discovered the mom of an introverted young woman
panic and carries too high a risk of being unpleasant and named Rupal. When Rupal was in kindergarten, her mother picked her up from
counterproductive. Lower than 4 is a sign that she might be coasting. school every day. Each day Rupal beamed and smiled as she walked out of class
The zone of growth is 4 to 6. Once she’s mastered a given task —but once inside the car, she erupted at the slightest problem. Her mother
within this zone, she can try successively more challenging forms of would try to figure out how she had erred. Had she given Rupal the wrong juice
performance.
box? Packed the wrong snack? Dressed her in the wrong shoes? Meanwhile,
Rupal would cry and scream and transform into a miniature tornado.
Her mother and father were not at all used to this behavior—their daughter
had always been a pleasure. They worried that Rupal was acting this way at
school too, so they asked her teacher about her behavior. To their surprise and
relief, the teacher told them that Rupal was an absolute delight.
That’s when Rupal’s mother realized how hard her daughter had to work at
school each day simply to keep it together and to interact with the other kids and
her teacher. By the end of the day, she was emotionally exhausted. Once the
door to their minivan closed, she let it all out on the one person she could: her
mother.
Rupal outgrew those tantrums, but her mother never forgot them. She
understood that her daughter needed time to recover from the long, social days at
school. As Rupal grew older, she shed the temper tantrums and adopted a new
coping mechanism. Each day she came home from school, marched straight to
her room with little more than a word to her mother, and stayed there for an hour
or more, reading, listening to music, and writing. She would emerge revived and
ready to interact. For her mother, these moments could be painful. But she knew
how badly her daughter needed them.
As Rupal’s mom’s experience shows us, these episodes are not always easy.
We want to interact with our children after school; we want to see them
interacting with their peers at extracurricular activities. But we need to be careful
to distinguish our needs from theirs. This doesn’t mean that your introverted
child will spend his entire adolescence alone in his bedroom. But it does mean
that respecting his need for a little alone time can give him the break he needs in
order to meet the rest of his day feeling happier, more energized, and more
present and available to those around him. Introverted kids “need time to
decompress and daydream and do absolutely nothing, regardless of what comes
out of that nothing,” says the psychologist Elizabeth Mika. “We should schedule
daydreaming into their extracurriculars.”