1

Handouts
Contents Page number

1 Building self-confidence 174

2 Personal crisis plan 175

3 Hi – I’m the real me 176

4 Guidelines of a child’s rights 177

5 Conflict resolution styles 178

6 Win/win: Six Steps to problem solving 179

7 Some of the ways that children can react to their parents’ separation 180

8 Contact guidelines 181

9 Communication tips 182

10 Some experiences of grief 183

11 Postitive discipline techniques 184

12 Conflict resolution notes 188

13 Talking with teenagers 190

14 How to tell the children 191

15 Strategies for building children’s self-esteem 192

16 CSA fact sheet – Information for separated parents 194

17 Sally’s story 196

18 Tea-time topics for families 197

19 Developing a parenting coalition between ex-partners 199

20 Baskets 200

21 Family shield 201

22 Stresses for children in repartnered families 202

23 Guidelines for family meetings 203

24 Sentence completion sheet 204

25 Children’s feelings in repartnered families 205

26 Parenting roles in the repartnered family 206

27 Finance and feeling 207

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 1 Building self-confidence
It is your job to build your own confidence.
You cannot rely on others to do it for you.
You are you, regardless of what you achieve, own or say.
Accept yourself because you exist. It is not selfish to be self-thinking.

Getting yourself organised:

Self-talk
Separate ‘What I am’ from ‘What I do’

e.g.I am stupid to what I did was stupid

I am a failure to I failed at this
I am tactless to what I said was tactless

Work out what ‘ought’ and ‘should’ demand me to do, and replace them with a
helpful alternative.
[Link] ‘I ought to be able to do this faster’ to ‘it would be helpful to me if I
could do this faster, but it’s not a disaster if I don’t’.

Self-praise
‘I did that well’
‘I’m pleased with the way I did that’
‘I didn’t do so well, but it was a good try’
‘I did the best I could’

Self-encouragement – brag a bit

When feeling discouraged, stop and work out what discouraging things you are saying
to yourself, and choose a healthier alternative.
[Link] ‘I’ll never be able to manage’ to ‘I’ll give it a go and see’. Often we notice
the weaknesses in ourselves. We often do not notice our strengths. Celebrating
your good qualities will allow you to look at your other qualities less critically.

Getting into action:

• Develop reasonable and achievable goals to avoid setting yourself up for failure.
• Have some goals and interests that are for you, apart from the children and work.
• Don’t accept other’s opinions without questioning whether they are reasonable.
• Listen when people compliment you, without relying on it to feel okay.
• Make time for yourself. Give yourself permission to relax.
• Do something you really like doing, rather than putting it off.
• Allow yourself to explore new areas.
• Make times when you can talk to someone about your thoughts and feelings.
• Enjoy your achievements!

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 Personal crisis plan 2

KEEP IMPORTANT PHONE NUMBERS IN WALLET/PURSE

• Home
• Work
• School
• Family e.g. mum/dad:
• Friends
• Doctor
• Support hotline
• Counsellor
• Police
Keep change for phone calls or buy a phonecard.

Checklist of things I need: Support

• Driver’s licence • I can ask
• Car registration Ph.
• Birth certificate
• Marriage certificate
• People I can go to (if possible list several)
• Children’s birth certificate
• Divorce papers
• Social security/Health care card • People with whom I can leave extra money,
• School records car keys, clothes, and copies of documents
• Medical records
• Money, bankbooks, credit cards
• An intervention order can be obtained from
• Keys – house/car/office
• Medications: yourself and children
• Passport(s)/work permits
• House: rental/lease agreement, deeds
Contact
• Mortgage payment book • Social security
• Current unpaid bills • Bank
• Insurance papers • School – ensure they know who else may
• Telephone address book pick up the children
• Children’s favourite toys • People who take care of my children
• Items of sentimental value to you. For example childcare, kindergarten, family or
• Add any extras friends.
• Work (if appropriate).

Source: Lewis-Nicholson A., Unpublished material, LifeWorks.

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 3 Hi!... I’m the real me!

Hi!
... I m the
real me!

Source: Gerrard, Howden, Stepfamily Association of Victoria, 1998.

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 Guidelines of a child’s rights 4

A child has a right to:

A continuing relationship with both parents

Not be treated as a piece of property, but as a human being

recognised to have unique feelings, ideas, and desires

Continuing care and proper guidance from each parent

Not to be unduly influenced by either parent to see the other parent

differently

Express love, friendship and respect for both parents

Freedom from having to hide emotions or be ashamed of them

An explanation that the impending action of divorce was in no way

caused by the child’s actions

Not be the subject and/or source of any and all arguments

Continuing, honest feedback with respect to the divorce process and

its impact on the changing relationships in the family

Maintain regular contact with both parents and a clear explanation

for any change in plans and/or cancellations

Enjoy a pleasurable relationship with both parents and never to be

employed as a manipulative bargaining tool.

Source: The Wisconsin Supreme Court

Note: Refer to the Australian Family Law Act 1975 (60B) for Australian principles [Link]

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 5 Conflict resolution styles

Style Characteristic behaviour User justification

Avoidance Non-confrontational. Differences too minor or

Ignores or passes over too great to resolve.
issues. Denies issues are a Attempts might damage
problem. relationships or create
even greater problems.

Accommodating Agreeable, non-assertive Not worth risking damage

behaviour. Cooperative to relationships or general
even at the expense of disharmony.
personal goals.

Win/lose Confrontational, assertive Survival of the fittest.

and aggressive. Must win Must prove superiority.
at any cost. Most ethically or
professionally correct.

Compromising It’s important that all No one person or idea is

parties achieve basic goals perfect. There is more
and maintain good than one good way to do
relationships. Aggressive anything.
but cooperative.

Problem Needs of both parties are When parties openly

Solving legitimate and important. discuss issues, a mutually
High respect for mutual beneficial solution can be
support. Assertive and found without anyone
cooperative. making a major
concession.

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 Win-Win: 6
Six steps to problem solving

1. Define the problem in terms of needs rather than solutions

• Each has their say. What they want or need.
• Hear how it is for them. You don’t have to agree!
• Explain how it is for you.

2. Brainstorm alternatives
• Write down all ideas you both come up with. They can be off the wall!
• Don’t judge them yet, just hear them.

3. Evaluate alternatives
• Begin to consider each idea. Try to be open-minded.

4. Choose solutions
• What would work for both of you.
• Aim for mutual agreement and satisfaction of needs. Choose solutions.
• What would work for both of you?
• Aim for mutual agreement and satisfaction of needs.

5. Action plan
• Who? What? When? How?
• If commitment and energy are lagging, perhaps review the steps... have all needs
been expressed, are the solutions practical enough to meet these needs?

6. Assess outcomes
• Make a date to evaluate the solution
• How will you know if your plan(s) are working?
• If plans are not working, have the real needs changed? Were there enough ideas?
Were some better ones overlooked?

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 7 Some of the ways children can
react to their parents’ separation

Age group Reaction to separation

Toddler Regression, forgetfulness, bewilderment, aggression

and neediness.

3 - 5 years Guilt, depression, diminished self-esteem and self-image.

5 - 6 years Anxiety and regression, whingeing, mood changes,

tantrums, reluctance to separate from adult.

7 - 8 years Loss of age-appropriate defences, intense sadness and

longing, loyalty conflicts.

9 - 10 years Conscious and intense anger towards parents, struggle

to master self through denial, courage, bravado,
support-seeking, fears, identity problems, health
and school problems.

Adolescence Painful feelings, concern about financial needs and own

future as marriage partner, de-idealising parents,
precipitous independence.

Webber, R., From Living in a Stepfamily Leaders resource, p. 63, 1989,ACER Aust.

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 Contact guidelines 8

Ensure children know you approve of contact with their other parent.

Actively encourage children to attend and enjoy visits.

Interrogation of a child by a parent lessens their enjoyment.

Visits occur more smoothly when the parents can talk reasonably and
encourage positive feelings about each other.

Avoid making negative comments about your ex-partner to your children.

Extended visits allow a new relationship to develop in a more realistic

manner.

With younger children parents should assume the responsibility for the visits,
rather than leaving the children to decide whether they want to go or not.

Make every effort to keep timetables concerning the children which have
been agreed upon with the ex-partner.

Children need consistent and stable schedules.

To assist in an emergency, parents need to give an indication of general

whereabouts and contact telephone numbers.

If a child withdraws during or after a visit, there may be no problem, they may
simply be overwhelmed or adapting to change.

Source: Lewis-Nicholson A., Unpublished Material. Lifeworks. 1998.

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 9 Communication tips

Separate partner issues from parent issues.

Your partner is now a business partner in the parenting business.

Schedule business meeting times, define topics and stick to them.

Discuss one topic at a time until some resolution is achieved.

Work out clear guidelines regarding roles, visits, decision-making.

For example, What types of things to inform each other of
– illness
– important events: school functions
– appointments arranged: dentist, doctor

Do not discuss issues if either person is affected by drugs or

alcohol.

Avoid name-calling, swearing, criticism. Avoid yelling!

Understand that there are likely to be two perspectives on all

issues.

Source: Lewis-Nicholson A., Unpublished Material. Lifeworks. 1998.

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 Some experiences of grief 10

Denial Yearning
Pining

Disbelief Crying
Fear of losing Sobbing
control

Relief Guilt Reality of death

Shock Panic

Confusion Laughter Depression Bargaining

Some
experiences
Idealisation of grief Resentment

Anger Helplessness

Identification Struggle with new Anxiety

life patterns

Physical
Loss of interests Symptoms

Lowered Loneliness
self-esteem

Insomnia Disorganisation

Adapted from: National Association of Loss & Grief, About Loss & Grief & Support, NALAG Vic Inc. (03) 9331 3555

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 11 Positive discipline techniques

It is important to experiment and see which of these techniques work for you and your
children.

Different things work for different people – and each child is different within the family.

You may need a wide repertoire for handling different children effectively.

1. Let children know what you expect/set clear limits

Be clear and direct about what you want your child to do.
For example, ‘You may play with Brian until I call you for lunch. Then you must come
home’.

2. Redirect
Children need to know what they can and can’t do
For example, ‘The couch is not for jumping on, but you can jump on the floor’.

3. Have positive expectations

Use positive language to talk to your children.
For example, ‘It would be helpful if you put your toys away’. Compare this with negative
talk such as ‘You never put your toys away! You are so lazy’.

4. Give a warning
Warn children that you are beginning to tire of their behaviour.
For example, ‘I am getting tired of that. If you keep it up, I am going to send you to your
room or unplug the stereo or stop you reading the story.

5. Stay simple
Rather than a long-winded speech, a short statement or word can help a child to
cooperate
For example, A stern glance while saying ‘I don’t like that. Cut it out’.

6. Be clear and emphatic

When you are not prepared to discuss the situation, say so.
For example, ‘You must put this jacket on now. You have no choice in the matter’.

7. Say ‘as soon as’

Make sure a child is sure of your request.
For example, ‘As soon as you brush your teeth, I’ll read the book to you’.

8. Use playfulness
Playfulness can be a wonderful way to gain cooperation.
For example, ‘Let’s pack up the toys before they hide from us, and the toy basket’.

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 Positive discipline techniques 11

9. Turn the problem into a game (for younger children)

Play a game appropriate to the child’s age.
For example, ‘If I close my eyes and count to 10, I bet your jumper will be magic and put
itself on’.

10. Write a note (this is for older children)

For example, ‘It would be a great help if you bring in the clothes before I get home from
work. I’ll be home at 5 pm’.

11. Solve problems together

Children and parents can work together at problem-solving around a discipline issue.
Children can have some excellent ideas about what should happen to them. Sometimes
it’s good to wait until everyone has calmed down.

12. Say ‘you wish’

Acknowledging a child’s wish may relieve their feelings, making them able to accept
reality more easily.
For example, ‘You wish you were grown-up and could watch this TV show, but now is
your bedtime’.

13. Let children air their feelings

For example, ‘Mummy I don’t want to eat tea, because potatoes make me feel sick, and I
hate them’.

14. Be flexible
For example, ‘You can put up whatever you like on your walls, so long as you don’t use
nails’.
Older children need a little more freedom. Give them the opportunity to make their own
decisions with clear guidelines.

15. Offer choices instead of threats

Threats are dares. Children find dares hard to resist.
For example, ‘If you change the TV channel one more time, I’ll...’ Offer a choice,‘You can
watch channel X or the TV will be switched off’. Follow through with your statement if
the behaviour continues: ‘You have changed channels again, so I will switch off the TV.
Choose another activity’.

16. Be firm but kind

• State the rule and the reason for it, for example, ‘Walls are not to write on. Clean walls
look nice in our home’.
• Offer an alternative activity, for example, ‘Here’s a book to colour in’.
• Repeat the limit, even several times. Children do not jump on command. Remember
that they are learning.

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 11 Positive discipline techniques

• Stick to your rules, don’t confuse children with mixed messages.

For example, ‘You’ve written on the wall, so I guess a little more writing won’t matter’.
• State limits impersonally as it removes the focus from the child and looks at the rule
itself.
For example, ‘You’re really naughty for writing on walls’ (focus on child).‘Walls are not
for writing on’ (impersonal, focus on rule).
17. Don’t rub it in
Don’t dwell on the matter or say ‘I told you so’. To ‘rub it in’ creates a resentful child.

18. Make realistic requests

Your requests should meet the ‘age and stage’ your child is at. Parents often expect more
than their child is capable of. Recurring conflict over a certain situation could indicate
your child isn’t capable of doing what you ask.

19. Be reasonable
Make reasonable requests and change rules when they no longer apply.
For example, Young children go to bed early, so as they grow, their bedtime needs to
change.

20. Create a distraction (for younger children)

Don’t mention the misbehaviour, but take the child’s mind off it by diverting their
attention.
For example, A toddler is grizzling, and you attract their attention with a colourful ball.

21. Make a deal

Save this for ‘time in need’. When you are exhausted and need to make things easier for
yourself. The promise of a treat can come in handy.
For example, ‘If you are quiet while we talk to our friends, I will take you to the park
tomorrow’. (Make sure you follow through with the reward.)

22. Encourage a child to take responsibility

Encourage children to take responsibility for their behaviour.
For example, If a child has hurt another’s feelings, ask the child to find a way to make the
hurt better.

23. Give chances

If children don’t improve their behaviour immediately, give them some more time.
For example, Three chances to meet your request.

24. Count
Most children love to get a job done before you can count to ten.

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 Positive discipline techniques 11

25. Make a request

Save commands and orders for when they are truly necessary.
For example, A dangerous situation.
Try a polite request to get other things done.
For example, ‘How about cleaning things up?’

26. Give in
Sometimes it’s not worth the battle. If you decide this you could say.
For example, ‘I guess this really doesn’t matter after all’.

27. Use role reversal

You be the child, let the child be you. Children can sometimes understand the rule better
when they are ‘the parent’ and tell it to you ‘the child’.

28. Provide a versatile environment

For example, inside, outside, quiet times, stimulating activities (such as loud dancing
music). Make your home more child-friendly or child-proof.

29. Notice effort and improvement

Tell children when you notice they are trying to improve.
For example, after forgetting to put their plate on the sink after meals, a child begins to
do this. You could say ‘Thank you for putting your plate on the sink’.

30. Appreciate and acknowledge good behaviour

Spend a great deal of time praising good behaviour. This encourages its continuation.

31. Family meetings

Have a regular time to get together as a family (without the TV on) to discuss issues and
plan things together.

32. Ignore some behaviour

Some behaviour, if not harming others or the child, will stop when ignored.

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 12 Conflict resolution notes

Why conflict resolution?

Conflict is a normal and natural part of family life. As young children learn to express their
wants and needs, conflict with parents, siblings, friends, and others often results. Young
children can learn many positive things from these conflicts — how to deal with other
people, how feelings affect behaviour, and how to be assertive. The aim of creative conflict
resolution is to handle these conflicts in ways that will meet the needs of everyone involved.
The more young children see and experience this kind of conflict resolution, the more likely
they are to handle their own conflicts positively and non-violently.

There are many ways to handle conflict and most of them have potential uses and limitations.
Negotiation is talking things out and solving problems. Being directive is the opposite of
negotiating, it’s saying,‘This is how it’s going to be’. Compromise is when both parties give
something up to reach an agreement. Avoidance is not dealing with the conflict at all.
Mediation involves a neutral third party helping you to negotiate a solution. All can be
appropriate depending on the situation.

The example you set shows your child that conflict need not escalate into violence and
aggression. This is particularly important for young children who are developing their
understanding of how the world works, based on what they see around them. How you
handle conflict can help your child learn critical skills like problem solving and negotiation.
Conflict doesn’t have to destroy relationships — it can actually improve them.

Conflict resolution with your child

• Acknowledge your child’s feelings. Children can’t always get what they want in a conflict,
but they can have their feelings recognised. Saying,‘You sound pretty angry’ or ‘I can see
you’re upset about this,’ lets children know that their feelings are important, whatever the
outcome of the conflict. It also helps them learn to name their feelings.
• Young children have difficulty understanding how their actions affect others. Re-enact a
conflict using puppets or stuffed [Link] can use these toys to help your child name
the feelings in the conflict, identify the sequence of events, and develop new solutions to
the problems.
• Avoid making personal attacks (‘You’re such an idiot’) or global statements (‘You never get
ready on time’). Such statements will make the conflict worse and increase the strain
between you and your child. Instead, give your own perspective by starting your
statements with ‘I,’ such as ‘I’m frustrated when you aren’t ready on time because it makes
us late’.
• Look at the conflict as a problem to be solved instead of a contest to be won. Involve
children in the solution. Say: ‘Here’s the problem as I see it. How do you see it? What are
we going to do about it?’
• Young children are often confused by too many [Link] you have a conflict with
your child, present two or three possible options that are acceptable to both of [Link],
with your child, choose the one that seems to be best.

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 Conflict resolution notes 12

• Using conflict resolution does not mean giving up your authority. Young children need
limits.
• Be aware of how you usually respond to conflict. Do you avoid it? Fly off the handle? Take
charge? Negotiate? If you find yourself relying on the same methods for handling conflict,
try to expand your range of peacemaking skills.
• Know your ‘angry triggers,’ the words, behaviours, attitudes that set you off. Knowing your
angry triggers can help you manage your feelings during conflicts. Children need to see
that people can be angry without being abusive or out-of-control.
• Aim for win-win solutions in which both you and your child get part of what you really
wanted. With young children it’s helpful to call these ‘thumbs up’ solutions. These are
when both of you can give the solutions a ‘thumbs up’ sign.
• Set up a way to deal with conflicts that affect the whole family. You might have family
meetings to discuss problems and come up with mutual solutions. Some families have a
‘conflict jar’ — conflicts or family problems are written down and placed in the jar for a
family meeting.
• Let your children know the family’s values about conflict. Say: ‘In this family, we don’t hit
when we’re angry,’ or ‘We talk things out instead of fighting’. Make it clear that violence is
not acceptable in or out of the home.
• Make common courtesy a family value. Good manners are a mark of respect and can help
to ease tensions in conflicts both at home and in the community.
• Read stories to your children that show characters resolving conflicts in constructive, non-
violent ways. These reading sessions can be a wonderful way to build family closeness and
teach conflict resolution.
• Young children are often attracted to play that uses pretend violence, toy soldiers, and
[Link] is normal part of growing [Link] it may be tempting to try to ban this
play, many parents have found that this isn’t effective. Instead, suggest compelling
alternatives to engage your child in constructive, non-violent play.
• If your child has seen or experienced violence, it’s important to talk to them about it.
Young children will often assume that the violence they see in the world, both on
television and in person, can happen to them. Listen and reflect their feelings ‘That must
have been scary.’ It’s important to assure your child that the adults in their life — parents,
school staff — are working hard to keep children safe.
These notes are closley based on a guide developed for the American Public Television
Outreach Alliance by the Resolving Conflict Creatively Program (RCCP) National Centre,
an initiative of Educators for Social Responsibility. (Funded by the Corporation for Public
Broadcasting.)

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 13 Talking with teenagers

• Give positive feedback regularly.

• Explore an issue, looking for options and consequences rather than

giving advice. Talk less and listen more.

• Don’t remind them of past mistakes — if they make mistakes, have faith
that they will do better next time.

• Let some things go by. Only argue over ‘the big stuff’.

• Let them know they are special and loved.

• Help them set short-and long-term goals.

• Don’t ask too many questions. When you do ask questions, explain why
you are doing so.

• Set clear boundaries.

• Avoid giving ultimatums.

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 How to tell the children 14

Talk to them together to avoid confusion.

Take age and level of understanding of each child into account.

Then speak to each separately, check understanding, let them ask

questions.

Tell them they will be told about all major decisions.

Tell them it will not be easy, but they will survive this.

Let them know that the decision is final.

Remind them that they are really important in your life. Remember
though, children are quick to pick up on the difference between
what you say and what you do, especially at times when there are
major events and changes in their lives.

Understand that they may want to ask questions more than once.

Source: Anglicare Victoria: Parentzone Splitting Up.

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 15 Strategies for building
children’s self-esteem
Statements that show your children that you appreciate them:
• I’m lucky to know you
• You are a pleasure to know
• You are important
• You are unique
• I like to see/hug/hold/rock/kiss you
• I love you
• It’s good to see you
• Good morning
• I’m glad I’m getting to know you
• I am glad to share this time with you
• I’m glad you are here
• I’m glad you live in our house
• I’m glad you came today
• I enjoy being with you
• I like to sit by you
• I’m glad we are riding/walking/playing/working together
• I thought about you during the week
• I like you
• I’m glad you are in my house/class/group/life
• I think you are a great kid
• I’m glad you are my friend
• Will you play with me?
• Thanks for being you.

Actions that show your children that you care about them:
• Smile
• Hugs, pats, kisses (if they are comfortable with this)
• Handshakes
• Listening to your child
• Sharing something important
• Spending time with your child
• Being the one who calls/start conversations/suggests things
• Using your child’s name.

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 Strategies for building 15
children’s self-esteem
Statements that show your children that you approve of their
behaviour:
• ‘I like the way you handled that’
• ‘I like the way you tackled that problem’
• ‘I’m glad you enjoy learning’
• ‘I’m glad you’re pleased with it’
• ‘Since you’re not satisfied, what do you think you can do so that you will be pleased
with it?’
• ‘It looks as if you enjoyed that!’
• ‘How do you feel about it?’

Statements that show your children that you have confidence

in them:
• ‘Knowing you, I am sure you will do fine’
• ‘You will make it’
• ‘I have confidence in your judgement’
• ‘That’s a rough one, but I am sure you will work it out’
• ‘You will figure it out.’

Statements that recognise your child’s efforts and improvement

• ‘It seems to me that you really worked hard on that’
• ‘It seems to me that you have spent a lot of time thinking that through’
• ‘It seems to me that you are improving’
• ‘It seems to me that you may not feel you have reached your goal, but look how far you
have come’
• ‘Look at the progress you have made.’

Phrases that focus on your child’s contributions and abilities:

• ‘Thanks, that helped a lot’
• ‘It was thoughtful of you’
• ‘Thanks, I really appreciated that because it makes my job much easier’
• ‘I know you are really good at that, I was wondering if you could help me with it’
• ‘I really enjoyed today. Thanks!’

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 16 Information for
separated parents

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16

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 17 Sally’s story

Sally lived in the suburbs with her family. Then she was invited to a 21st birthday
She had an older sister Louise who, when party and a new chapter in her life
she started school, was found to be clever unfolded. She met a young man called Gerry.
and beautiful. Sally had a brother, Tom, two He was drinking quite a bit and on his way
years younger than she, who was a handful out he fell down the steps and needed to go
for his mother. Sally was never any trouble. to the hospital. Sally was one of the few
sober people left and she volunteered to
When Sally went to school, she did not find
drive him to the casualty [Link]
the lessons quite as easy as her sister.
later began to go out together and became
Sally was a child sandwiched between two engaged six months later. Gerry thought
very noisy, strong-willed siblings. In Sally’s Sally would be the perfect wife and mother
early teens, her mother became sick and was and they looked forward to having children.
hospitalised frequently. Sally took care of her
Gerry was very ambitious and worked long
younger brother, often cooked the family
hours. Sally continued to work and waited
meals and did most of the housework.
patiently at night for Gerry to come home,
Louise did not help much as she had a new
making sure there was always a hot meal for
boyfriend and was always going out. Sally’s
him to come home to. Babies did not come,
father was busy and had little time for the
and Sally discovered she was infertile. The
family and no time to help. Sally took on the
couple were devastated. They began to have
extra work without question or complaint.
arguments over petty things and Gerry
Tom began to go out with his friends and
began to stay at work even longer. They
spent less time with Sally.
spent little time together. Finally Gerry had
Sally spent a lot of time in the kitchen and an affair and the couple decided to split up.
enjoyed experimenting with cooking
foreign food. While she took care of
everyone else she daydreamed.

Sally left school at 18, and looked for work.

Louise was then at university and Tom was
getting extra help with his studies. Sally
found a job that she didn’t like much but it
covered her living expenses and enabled her
to buy a car when she turned 20. She
continued living at home and taking care of
the family.

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 Tea-time topics for families 18

The following topics are suggestions for mums and dads and step-parents to have ‘up their
sleeves’ when having meals or spending time with their children.

Make sure you have something to say to start the ball rolling. Look for opportunities to share
your experiences, to inform, to teach and to encourage. Children will learn to listen, share,
take turns and be curious along the way. Remember to actively listen to your children
without preaching, criticising or putting them down. During these conversations everyone
must feel free to say what they like without being offensive. It’s okay to be silly, irrational or
unrealistic.

General tips
• Favourite songs • Sharing the load – chores and how to be
grown up about them
• Clothes
• Fire-walking
• Favourite drinks
• Parachuting
• Favourite meals, fruits, sweets, or
take-aways • Football (or some other sport)
• Funniest movies • Hang-gliding
• Saddest movies • Acting
• Best special effects in movies • Saying ‘sorry’
• Holidays you have had • Saying ‘goodbye’ – losing friends and pets.
Keeping in touch with friends by letters
• The first ride you’d go on at a theme park
and phone
• Best sand castles
• Teachers
• Dolphins and whales
• Doctors and [Link] do you think is
• Savings and money the hardest/best/yuckiest thing about their
job?
• Hobbies
• Aliens
• Things to collect
• Time machines
• Jobs and careers
• Computers
• Enthusiasm
• The Australian bush
• Meanings of sayings, for example:‘pleased
as punch’,‘with flying colours’, etc. • Suggestions for the prime minister
• Riddles • Labelling people
• Jokes • What makes a best friend?
• Discrimination
• Courage – what is it, where have you
experienced it or noticed it?

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 18 Tea-time topics for families

Creative topics • Play a ‘feelings’ game. Remember a feeling,

• If you could be an animal, what kind of say when you felt this [Link] colour
animal would you be, and why? was the feeling, how big was it, how
strong was it (out of 10, or as strong as a
• If the house was burning down, what big truck), what was it like in nature (a
three things would you like to save? storm, a kitten, birds flying on a calm day, a
(things, not people — we know you mother cow nuzzling her calf)?
would save the people first!)
• Family history — and the stories that you
• What are your favourite names, what will have heard about your ancestors, for
you call your children? example, how did Grandma meet
Grandpa, what countries did they come
• If you were lost on a desert island, what
from?
things would be most useful?
(For example, matches, compass, rope, first • What do you really believe in — what is
aid, recipe book, teddy bear, doona, seeds, worth fighting for?
games, books,Tim Tams.)
• Looking after your body — nutrition,
• Mimicking famous people, for example, smoking, exercise, junk food, sport, sleep.
can you talk like Arnold Schwarzenegger?
• Poetry — create short instant rhymes. General topics
(For example,‘Angela the tarantula’) • What place in Australia would you most
like to visit?
• Celebrate something, a completion, a
success, an anniversary, the dog’s birthday. • What place in the world would you most
like to explore?
Personal topics • What is the most exciting thing you can
• What have you been dreaming about think of that you would like to try?
lately? (Sleep dreams or daydreams) For example, caving, surfing, bungy-
jumping, parachuting. What would this
• What is your best quality? What is your feel like? How old would you have to be?
mum’s, brother’s, sister’s best quality? How scary would it be?
• What is the best news you have heard this • Talk about a famous person. For example,
week? who are Nelson Mandella, Helen Keller,
• If you could be the best at any sport, what Anne Frank?
would it be and why? What medals/awards • Plan an imaginary party. Who will you
would you like to win? invite, what theme will you have, what
• What is embarrassment? When have you would you eat, how will you decorate,
been embarrassed? How can you help what would you wear?
someone to feel better when they are • Plan an outing or a holiday.
embarrassed?
• Weather. Don’t laugh! — Talk about
• Are you ever taken for granted? What do hailstorms, what is the hottest month
you do that you would like to be thanked (February), the wettest (October), tidal
for? waves, monsoons, willy-willies and
tornadoes.
• Are you good at anything that your
teacher doesn’t know about? • What would you like to do for others?
What would you like to invent that would
make the world a better place?

Source: O’Brien, Carmel, Unpublished material, LifeWorks.

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 Developing a parenting 19
coalition between ex-partners
A parenting coalition is a business arrangement between households.

Advantages:
• Adults can cooperate with each other. They do not have to remain defensive.
• Children’s divided loyalties are reduced.
• Children are more comfortable and less fearful because anything they do or say will not
cause hostility towards either household.
• Responsibility for raising children is shared.
• More flexibility between households is possible.
• Step-parents are included in decisions which affect their lives.
• Extra adults working on issues means ex-partners are less likely to fall into past, negative
patterns.
• Having all adults working together informs children that their lives have now moved on.
The new couple (or couples where both ex-partners have formed a relationship) is now
the adult unit that the child responds to.

What gets in the way

Adults may fear that their children will want to spend more time in their other household. If
both households feel fearful and threatened it is unlikely that they will be able to cooperate.
Adults may be talking openly in critical ways about an adult in the other household.
Remember not to make critical comments in front of the [Link] children report
criticisms made of your household, explain that you are sorry this opinion is held because the
other parent does not live here and so may not be aware what it really is like. By not putting
down the other household, children are free to develop their own opinions.
Having a high level of contact in relation to the children, leaving the step-parent out of
situations, responding to many unexpected requests, can indicate that one or both ex-partners
have not fully separated. This can lead to the step-parent feeling insecure. If this happens
contact between ex-partners can then be experienced as upsetting, rather than positive.

How to get a parenting coalition started

Begin by building up trust between households by:
• Making positive comments to the adults in the other household, for example ‘Thank you
for driving Jan to basketball’.
• Keeping the other household informed about important events. For example, when a child
is ill, let the other household know what the doctor has advised and the treatment that was
recommended.
• Using a third party such as a local mediator to help you agree on school and other
arrangements involving the children, if this proves difficult to do on your own. A mediator
is a person who will assist both parties to come to a mutually-acceptable decision, without
siding with one party against the other. A mediator does not offer advice or make
decisions for the people. They will assist people to come up with their own ideas or
solutions.
Adapted from: Visher E and Visher J How to Win as a Stepfamily: 78-81

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 20 Baskets

Whole stepfamily Myself

Couple Biological parent and children

Step-parent and stepchildren Adult with any individual child

Source: Gerrard, Howden, Stepfamily Association of Victoria 1998.

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 Family shield 21

Brown–Jones

Appreciation of diversity
Source: Gerrard, Howden, Stepfamily Association of Victoria 1998.

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 22 Stresses for children in
repartnered families

1. Hearing the separated parents argue (over the telephone, at the door,
etc.) and saying negative things. They may wonder if they’re to blame
for this.

2. Not being allowed to see their other parent, and resenting their
step-parent for this.

3. Feeling blamed for everything that goes wrong in the new family.

4. Hearing their parent and step-parent fighting, and fearing that this
relationship will break up too.

5. Seeing their parent do more for the stepsiblings than for them.

6. Having stepsiblings get into their belongings and intrude on their

space and privacy.

7. Dealing with the feeling of not being wanted (often testing to see if
either household wants them).

8. Feeling angry and depressed, and wishing it could all be the way it was
before.

9. Having a step-parent who tells them what to do. Feeling resentful

about this.

Adapted from: Gerrard, I., and Howden, M., Making Stepfamilies Work – A Course for Couples, Stepfamily Association of
Victoria Inc., 1998 Melbourne.

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 Guidelines for family meetings 23

Have a special box for family members to place written grievances and ideas for family
activities. Call a meeting when there are several slips in the box.
OR
Set aside a regular time each week for all members to meet together to talk.
OR
Let it be known that any family member can ask for a meeting when they think it necessary.

Plan a specific amount of time (20 or 30 minutes), depending on the age of the children.

Rules
The feelings of every family member count equally, regardless of age.

Feelings are accepted, not judged as right or wrong.

Accusations are not allowed.

Encourage ‘I’ messages rather than ‘you’ messages.

Complaints should be discussed with everyone present. A complaint about an individual may
not be made if that person is not present.

Use problem-solving to formulate the best solution (For example, who should pick up a child
from school or after school events).

End the meeting with positive and encouraging comments. (For example,‘I really liked the
way you were able to hear me out when I spoke about that touchy subject’.)

Guidelines for family meetings

Rotate the responsibility for leading the meetings so that all family members have a turn.

Ensure that meetings are not just gripe sessions. Allow time for positives and compliments as
well as complaints.

Decide on household chores. Have everyone make a list and discuss how these are to be
shared fairly.

Meetings allow for everyone to bring up issues (not just adults).

Having an agenda ensures that everyone is encouraged to raise issues.

Use this time to arrange for fun family activities so that it is also seen as a planning time.

Adapted from: Visher, E., and Visher, J., How to Win as a Stepfamily.

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 24 Sentence completion sheet

1. I feel excited when

And then I (what I do)

At this time I would also like to

2. I feel angry when

And then I

At this time I would also like to

3. I feel jealous when

And then I

At this time I would also like to

4. I feel happy when

And then I

At this time I would also like to

5. I feel guilty when

And then I

At this time I would also like to

6. I feel excluded when

And then I

At this time I would also like to

7. I feel proud when

And then I

At this time I would also like to

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 Children’s feelings in 25
repartnered families
Resenting the step-parent: seen to be replacing their natural parent
seen as heralding the finish of the original family.

Being disciplined by someone with whom they have little relationship.

Grieving the loss of their original family.

Feeling replaced by new family members for example step-parent, stepsiblings,

new baby.

Confusion about new ways of operating in this family.

Missing the non-residential parent and other significant family members such as
grandparents or siblings.

Feeling in competition with step-parent for parent’s love and attention.

Experiencing loss of familiar surroundings, friends, school, neighbourhood.

Adapted from: Gerrard, I., and Howden, M., Making Stepfamilies Work – A Course for Couples, Stepfamily Association of
Victoria Inc., 1998, Melbourne.

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 26 Parenting roles in the
repartnered family

1 As the parenting team in

your repartnered family, get 3 Step-parents need to avoid
the disciplinary role
together often as a couple
to talk about child-rearing
2 The biological parent
needs to support the step- initially, while their
parent’s authority in front relationship with their
values and practices.
of the children and have stepchildren is developing.
discussions or
disagreements as a couple
in private.

4 Adults need to stop and

reflect (in relation to
children’s behaviour). Step-
parent needs to ask self 6 Spend time alone with
your stepchildren.
‘Does it really matter?’ 5 Don’t expect the feelings
for your stepchildren to be This can often be quality
Biological parent needs to time because there is no
the same as the feelings
ask: ‘Am I being too competition for the
you have for your own
accommodating?’ biological parent’s
children. Remember
emotional bonds can take a attention. However also
long time to develop. be ready to accept it if the
children are not ready
for this.

7 Remind the child that their

parent still loves them,
regardless of the new
9 The step-parent is
encouraged to separate
their own sense of self-
couple relationship.
8 Attempt to be a good role
model whether the esteem from what they
stepchildren appear to sometimes perceive to be
accept your values or not. the children’s negative
They will benefit in the perceptions of them.
long run.

10 Explore, as a step-parent,
the myriad of roles you can
take with your 12 Betakespatient, remember it
time to make a
stepchildren. For example: 11 Step-parents need to
decide how involved they
repartnered family work
and often takes at least two
friend, confidante, mentor
want to be and how much
etc, rather than attempting years for individuals to feel
responsibility they want to
to take on the role of a comfortable.
take with the children.
biological parent. (Webber
They also need to be
1994)
encouraged to maintain
interests apart from the
repartnered family life.

Gerrard, I., and Howden, M., Making Stepfamilies Work – A Course for Couples, Stepfamily Association of Victoria Inc.,
1998, Melbourne.

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 Finance and feeling 27

1. What does money mean for us in our relationship?

• How have I been influenced by my past experiences with money?

• Am I aware of the influence that our peer group has on our spending?

• Am I accustomed to buying expensive gifts? How much is expensive?

2. What do we intend to do about savings and investments?

• While saving, what sacrifices am I prepared to make?

3. Are we going to budget? Who will be involved – one or both of us?

• Who will pay the bills and when?

• Will we use credit cards or charge accounts?

• Will we have one or two cheque accounts? If only one, who writes the cheques?

4. What is our understanding and feeling about assuming each other’s

outstanding debts and ongoing commitments incurred before this
relationship, for example, car loans, education loans, and child support?

5. What is our financial planning regarding a reduction from two incomes to

one income, if children are living in the household or we have children of our
own?
• How would I feel if I became unemployed?

• How would I feel if my partner became unemployed?

• How would you feel if your partner’s income was higher than yours?

• How would you feel if your children and your partner’s children had unequal financial
support (for example, schools, holidays, clothes).

• How would you feel if commitments to existing children resulted in less financial
resources being available to start a new family?

6. Do we have to be accountable for everything we spend?

• Will we both have some money that we can spend independently?

• How much can we spend without talking it over first?

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