Develop Your Assertiveness

by Sue Bishop
Kogan Page © 2006
128 pages

Focus Take-Aways
Leadership & Mgt. • Assertive people have a greater sense of their own worth and better communication
Strategy skills. They can represent themselves and others in a more truthful way.
Sales & Marketing
• The factors that shape people's behavior include how they are socialized, how they
Finance
react to the world and how they are conditioned by their interactions with others.
Human Resources
IT, Production & Logistics • Assertiveness training teaches that you are responsible for your actions and goals.
Career Development • It prepares you to handle stressful situations.
Small Business
Economics & Politics
• Infants are born with two types of behaviors: passive and assertive.
Industries • Passivity is a more natural human response, while aggression is a learned behavior.
Regions
• Criticism can be justified or unjustified, constructive or destructive.
Concepts & Trends
• To reinforce your message and personality, create a packaged presentation by
synchronizing your language, gestures and delivery.
• The physical signals of assertiveness include steady fluid movements, open palms,
frank eye contact and lowered eyebrows (a primordial sign of greeting).
• When people in a study were shown photos of a slouching person and an erect
person, they assumed that the erect person was the boss.

Rating (10 is best)

Overall Applicability Innovation Style

7 7 5 6

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 Relevance

What You Will Learn

In this Abstract, you will learn: 1) What key traits you need to develop to convey your
ideas to other people more persuasively; and 2) How to deal with difficult people.

Recommendation
Would you benefit in your business or in your social life if you became a better advocate
for yourself? Unless you are already quite capable of asserting yourself, the answer is
probably yes. The problem is that assertiveness training has a bad reputation, as author
Sue Bishop acknowledges. In this short, easy book, she suggests ways that individuals
can change their behavior to become more confident. You can learn at your own pace,
using the book’s self-tests, exercises and comments. Bishop’s handbook does not contain
very much that is new, but it is a good tool for people who would like to teach themselves
the basics. getAbstract recommends this book to those who want to find out how to
persuade others and stick up for themselves. If you’re a manager mired in meekness,
here’s your ticket to the limelight.

Abstract

Make Your Point

Becoming more assertive and, thus, more able to speak up for yourself confidently, brings
many benefits. Assertive people have a greater sense of their own worth. They have
“You have the
right to be the final
better communication skills, so they express themselves well. They represent themselves
authority for what and others with authenticity. To become more assertive, cultivate the right self-image,
you are and what attitude, body language, voice and facial expressions. All these are part of the equation
you do.”
if you want to get your point across consistently and be your own best advocate.
Infants are born with two types of behavior: assertive and passive. Passivity is a more
natural human response; becoming aggressive tends to be a learned behavior. Toddlers
learn to express their likes and dislikes as part of their behavioral maturation. This
involves learning to say “no.” Small children often become emotional or have tantrums
if they do not get what they want. They learn how to act, either passively or assertively,
by receiving praise and rewards for the “right” behavior.
How people are socialized and how other people condition them shapes the way they
conduct themselves. For instance, it’s not considered “ladylike” for a woman to be
“First you must aggressive or to cry in public. But people change their behavior continuously as they learn
recognize
negativity in your
new ways to behave and react. Most behavior that falls along the passive-to-aggressive
inner dialogue spectrum is not a problem, as long as people comport themselves in an appropriate way
and when it in any given situation.
occurs replace
it with a positive, Being assertive is about more than words. Conveying assertiveness means communicating
energizing, with your whole body, including your facial expressions, posture, and vocal tone and
self-elevating
pep talk.”
volume. That’s why it pays to practice how you want to act, because the need to be
assertive invariably gets called into play in the midst of a tense situation. When people
encounter anxiety or danger, their natural tendency is to react physically: their muscles
tense, their stomachs ache and fear wells up; that’s normal. Becoming tense is natural,
so learning to manage tension is a key life skill. Assertiveness training prepares you
Develop Your Assertiveness © Copyright 2006 getAbstract 2 of 5
 to handle stress. To take control of a tense situation, you need to be able to remain
relaxed enough to think clearly. If you are in a confrontation and the other person detects
– consciously or subconsciously – that you are getting increasingly tense, he or she may
“Passive and react by becoming more aggressive.
aggressive
behaviors come
naturally to us Exercises that Release Tension
and often seem Several exercises can help you release tension. The first is to tighten every muscle in your
the easy (though body, including your facial muscles, and hold everything tensed for a few seconds. Then
seldom the most
effective) option, release all at once. Repeat this exercise and finish with a few deep breaths. Another tense-
whereas assertive and-release technique focuses on the muscles of your diaphragm. Point your fingers
behavior requires skyward and compress your palms together with your forearms parallel to the floor. Push
a cognitive
process rather
hard until you feel the tension in your palms and triceps. Breathe slowly and then exhale.
than a While exhaling, tense your diaphragm. Then breathe in.
gut reaction.”
While you can use these quick techniques to face specific stressful situations, try to
practice regular stress relief by listening to music, soaking in the bathtub or meditating. If
you meditate, imagine yourself in a peaceful setting, or at a concert or ballet, surrounded
by your favorite colors, sounds and aromas.

“Ensure that Be Positive

your tone of Self-esteem governs many elements of behavior, so it is productive to work on developing
voice, volume a positive self-image. People who feel confident and in control display assertiveness in
and nonverbal
communication
their body language. They are relaxed; their arms hang loosely by their sides or rest in
appropriately their laps. Their faces do not show obvious tension.
reflect your
strength of feeling Assertive people speak positively and avoid conditional phrases, such as, “I should
about the issue.” have spoken sooner” or “ I can’t find the time to exercise today.” Such statements have
negative connotations tied to self-doubt and low self-esteem. People who say such things
to themselves or others only make themselves unhappy. When you repeat negative talk in
your mind, it undermines your confidence, brings down your mood and saps your energy.
To be assertive, try to break the cycle of negative “self-talk.” Inject positive thoughts
into your routine by repeating upbeat sayings, such as: “I am getting stronger each day”
“The receiver or “I can handle this situation.” Repeat these slogans silently to yourself. Record them
will take more and replay the tape, so you hear strong, positive ideas in your own voice. The goal is to
notice of what
is seen than of
listen until these ideas become part of your thought pattern, allowing you to shape a new
what is heard – a “inner voice.”
hard truth, but a
statistically Assertiveness training teaches that you are responsible for your actions and for seeking
proven fact.” what you want. The flip side of that responsibility is that other people have the right to
deny your requests. This unchangeable fact of life affects business, social and personal
relationships. Every adult has basic rights, including:
• Having individual feelings and setting personal priorities.
• Deciding how to spend time and with whom.
“Can’t is also a • Choosing personal political beliefs.
word of self-doubt, • Making mistakes and admitting when they do not understand what is happening.
implying that you
have no control
To be assertive and fair, you must recognize other people's rights. First, acknowledge that
over your life.”
they have the right to act as they want. Then affirm that you have rights as well. Being
assertive means recognizing the boundary between these two sets of rights.

Develop Your Assertiveness © Copyright 2006 getAbstract 3 of 5

 Listen Up, Stand Up
Becoming a better listener can help you get your ideas across to people who don’t usually
heed your suggestions. Many people endure being interrupted and ignored. To counter
“Assertive these problems, improve your listening skills. Consciously engage in active listening.
communications Pay attention to other people’s facial expressions, what they are saying, what they mean,
means expressing
yourself concisely
their tone and their body language.
and clearly in a
direct, honest and Like many people, you may be comfortable in business exchanges that focus on work,
spontaneous way.” but you may find social situations difficult. As you develop good listening skills, chatting
casually will become easier. When you talk to new people, ask about their interests,
beliefs and attitudes. That creates the foundation for discussing something other than
business. If you’re in a social setting that calls for “small talk,” be strategic. If you don’t
have something interesting or germane to say, be a good listener. You can still participate
by being attentive and posing good questions. If you are dealing with a room full of
strangers, start a conversation by asking general ice-breaking questions, such as, “There
“The secret of are a lot of people here, aren’t there? Are they from your office?” or “I work with Frank.
small talk is to Is he a friend of yours?” Avoid asking conversation-killing questions requiring only a
have the courage
to make the “yes” or “no” answer.
first move – ask
an appropriate The Loud Message of Body Language
question in a
friendly and open Body language conveys feelings and behavior. When your language, gestures and
manner – then delivery are synchronized and match your overall attitude, you are presenting a whole
listen attentively to package that reinforces your message and personality. The elements of body language
the other person’s
responses.”
– including eye contact, facial expression, movement, stance and posture – give signals
about your behavior. Studies find that when two people stand next to one another, and
one person is erect while the other is slouched, observers assume that the person who is
standing straight is the boss. Slumping is a sign of passivity. Other passive signs include
a drooped chin, clenched hands and poor eye contact.
To exude more authority, speak in the lower register of your vocal range. To practice, try
breathing from your abdomen. When you do so, you take in more air, which can help
“No single gesture
lower the pitch of your voice.
or movement
can give the
impression of
An assertive person has steady, fluid movements, open palms, lowered eyebrows (a
assured self- primordial sign of greeting) and consistent eye contact. When an assertive person
confidence.” meets someone, he or she will “mirror” the other person’s behavior. “Mirroring” means
matching the vocal tone, volume, rhythm and pace of the other person, as well as his or
her vocabulary. This reduces tension and increases rapport. Assertive people “mirror”
out of respect for someone else’s feelings. Mirroring increases the opportunity to build
a personal affinity.

Talk the Talk

“Assertiveness To get your point across easily and quickly, avoid jargon and use direct statements. Say
is a choice
of behavior what you think and feel. When you give an order, focus on what should be done, not on
and…there are the person who may have caused a problem. Say “This work area should be cleaned,”
occasions when it instead of saying “Mike, you should keep this area cleaner.” Consider the impact of
is appropriate not
to assert yourself.”
snapping, “You’re always late,” compared to asking, “Can you tell me why you were late
today?” Usually, the person is not “always late,” so being more specific can elicit a better
answer and avoid antagonism. Use personal statements to soften a negative message.
Instead of rejecting a proposal by saying, “Wouldn’t it be better to conduct more research?”

Develop Your Assertiveness © Copyright 2006 getAbstract 4 of 5

 a confident person might say, “I think more research is needed before we decide.” While
the first approach could be construed as critical and could spark an argument, the second
statement invites substantiating facts.
When an assertive person has to deal with a confrontation, he or she maintains a calm
demeanor and a sense of control. To handle a confrontation, go back to using mirroring.
Match the pace of your speech to the other person’s speech pattern. Once you establish
rapport, lower your tone and volume. This should impel the other person to do the same.
Then, see if it is time for reasoning. If so, try to find out what has upset the other person.
Attempt to negotiate a solution. If you don’t make progress, end the exchange and do
not take abuse. Tell the other person the conversation is not progressing and you will
continue it tomorrow.
If you need someone to depart, send nonverbal cues, such as looking at your watch. To end
a phone call, wait for an appropriate opening and inject, “It was good speaking with you.”
“There is no point
in talking, however Criticism: Dishing It Out and Taking It
assertively, if no Criticism can be justified or unjustified, constructive or destructive. Try to offer positive,
one is listening
and, conversely,
constructive criticism. For example, instead of saying that an architect’s proposed plan
no point in would waste resources, you might say, “If we adopt that design, environmentalists
listening if we are may object.” If you want to rebuff a suggestion, start your response with the phrase
not truly attentive “I disagree” to allow the other person to explain. Starting with “you’re wrong” is
to the other
person, analyzing confrontational and provocative.
the content of their
communication Giving or receiving criticism is stressful. When appropriate, seek ways to praise employees
and assessing as well as to criticize them. When someone praises you, acknowledge their approval and
their tone of voice, thank them for the compliment. If your job requires you to criticize someone, make the
mannerisms, facial
expressions and undertaking more effective by using these tactics:
so on, adding
meaning to the • Address a problem as soon as possible, so it is fresh in everyone's memory.
words they use.” • Allocate enough time to have a discussion without being rushed.
• Allow enough space for you to stand or sit together.
• Decide whether the criticism should be direct or indirect. Sometimes you can make
your point more effectively if you "soften the blow."
• Don't be afraid to use the word "I."
• Talk in specifics and provide exact examples of the problem.
• If something bothers you, say so. Describe how it affects you and how you feel.
• Explain exactly what you want.
• Don't be afraid to say that you are requesting a change in someone's behavior.
• Use silence effectively. Give the other person time to absorb your message.
• End the discussion in a positive way.
The ability to be assertive will help you during interviews, meetings and presentations.
Self-confidence and assertiveness are tremendous assets when you ask for a raise or
promotion. Rely on them anytime you must advocate on your own behalf.

About The Author

Sue Bishop is a trainer and consultant, and the author of several training sourcebooks.

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