Opening:

Self-worth is a heavy-handed mental health topic that I have needed to work

through for over five years now. I feel like I am in this never-ending cycle of feeling really
positive and then feeling extremely negative about my impact on the world. If this
negative mental state is left untreated then I believe it could lead to new problems such
as addiction and self-harm. I want to learn how to utilize positive self-esteem techniques
such as engaging in more positive self-talk, visualizing a more positive image of myself,
avoiding comparing myself and my successes to others, letting go of past experiences,
and seeking support from both the ones I love and licensed professionals. I believe that
if I utilize these techniques to the best of my mental capabilities then my mental state
will slowly start to improve.

Body:

February 28
Concept: Seeking Support
All throughout the day I could feel myself becoming more overwhelmed at the
idea of attempting to balance my duties at work, my duties at SLCC’s The Globe, and
my personal duties for completing my college midterm assignments. I could feel myself
spiraling into an anxiety attack while the negative self-talk grew louder in my head. My
thoughts went from “If you can’t handle this, then how do you think you’ll be able to
handle summer semester?” to “I am not going to be able to graduate on time which
means I am going to have to work for Wal-Mart forever.”, I was so disappointed that I
had seemingly already failed the expectations and goals that I had previously set for
myself.
The way I found that I was able to escape from this extremely negative and self-
loathing mindset was through seeking social support from my boyfriend David, and my
mother. They both shared how proud they were of my progress throughout my college
career so far. They both saw how hard I was working and knew that I have preserved
through stressful situations like this before. Hearing these positive messages from the
people that are important in my life help me realize that the biggest obstacle standing in
my way is me. “One study found that hearing positive, supportive messages from a
friend is among the most helpful ways to restore self-esteem”, (Beebe, Beebe, and
Redmond, 2017, pg. 48).

March 3
Concept: Engage in Self-Talk
I believe that I am starting to have more faith in my capabilities to get the job
done in the way in which I completed my multi-page midterm of my Media & Society
course. I was so anxious that even though I was passionate about the subject I was
researching, I just did not believe that I would be able to properly place into words my
opinions and observations of the subject at hand. I had to engage in positive self-talk
during the writing process, saying things to myself such as “I written longer papers in a
shorter amount of time than this before” and “I know that I am knowledgeable and
experienced in my research topic, so I am perfectly capable of doing the subject proper
justice.” This act of participating in realistic, and positive self-talk had a reassuring effect
on my sense of self-worth and my interaction towards the project itself, (Beebe, et al.
2017, pg. 46).

March 6
Concept: Visualize a Positive Image of Yourself
I believe that I have made huge step forward today in accomplishing my goals
which in turn I believe helped increase my self-esteem. I finished editing my study
abroad podcasting assignment today and I also took on more responsibility for my role
at The Globe. I am finally trusted enough at the Globe to be able to do write a personal
profile and interview of a highly respected individual. These moments of success will
help me visualize future accomplishments because I now know that it it possible to
succeed in the field I want to take part in. As said by Beebe, “being able to visualize
completing a goal adds to your overall sense of happiness and well-being.”

March 9
Concept: Reframe Appropriately
Originally, I believed that I did not accomplish anything I had set out to do tonight.
I had not done any of the assignments that I had set out to complete that day in order to
instead have peace and quiet to my self while watching YouTube videos. I was starting
to engage myself in negative self-talk, calling myself lazy, selfish and entitled. I then
proceeded to stop and think for a moment, I was missing a crucial piece of the day
where I did something that I believe was very important. I completed and sent in my
taxes. Now to put this into perspective, I am terrified to do my taxes when tax time
comes around each year. This is because I am always so worried that if I make a single
error, the slightest error imaginable, that I will then be audited by the IRS. This is a
overwhelming situation that I tend to put off every year until I am down to the final wire.
However, this year was different. I sat down with my mother and brother at the kitchen
table and we all proceeded to figure out my taxes together. It felt as if a huge weight
was lifted off my shoulders once I was able to hit complete.
I had to reframe my thoughts toward my actions that I had completed tonight.
Yes, I may not have completed the homework that I had set time aside to do. However,
I did end up tackling head on a project that I had been anxious about for going on a
couple weeks now. I believe that “redefining events and experiences from a different
point of view”, (Beebe, et al. 2017, pg. 47) allowed me to enjoy the success and
accomplishment that I had achieved today, rather than simply dwelling on the work that
I neglected to do. Next time, I think that if I set aside more time to complete the projects
that I want to work on then I would not need to go through this process of reframing.

March 14
Concept: Avoid Comparing Yourself to Others
I can tell that I stopped myself from regressing in my self-esteem growth after
today’s events. Yesterday I got the opportunity to be a social media consultant for an
eco-friendly company at a specialized RV convention. There were six other consultants
who jumped on the same opportunity aside from myself, and it was a competition for
whoever did the best job representing the company at the event would then receive a
$500 cash prize. Out of the six consultants given the opportunity, only two others had
participated aside from myself. I was confident that I had done the work to the best of
my ability, I had posted multiple photographs on Instagram and had took over their
Instagram story for the day. I was so sure that I would be the one to receive the cash
prize. However, the prize was given to the other two consultants. I could not see what
social media posts that the others had shared so this lead my imagination to run wild
with comparing my capabilities to others. After dwelling in self-doubt about my personal
capabilities, I had to take a moment to myself in order to reframe my mindset and
celebrate my own accomplishments. Through “focusing on the unique attributes that
make you who you are”, (Beebe, et al. 2017, pg. 47) I had to realize the innate
confidence and talent that I had already built in order for the universe to give me this
specific opportunity. I had to reframe my mindset since even though I did not do the
best work of the entire group, I still had career experience that I could end up putting on
my resume.

March 17
Concept: Engage in Self-Talk and Reframe Appropriately
Today was a more frustrating day to interacting with what felt like a multitude of
rude customers at my retail job. It had seemed as if whatever I attempted to do to help
the customer was automatically looked at with derision and disgust. Whether I had
bagged an item the wrong way or that I need to have Wal-Mart hire more cashiers,
there was always something to complain about. I was engaging in negative self-talk
going from transaction to new transaction saying things such as “I will never leave this
soul-crushing job” and “If I can’t even handle this simple job then what will I be able to
accomplish in the long run?”. When I went on my lunch break I had to take a moment to
myself in order to calm down and gather my thoughts. I had to reframe my mindset, the
customers were not frustrated at me personally for my mistakes. They were mad at
Ashley the Wal-Mart employee, not Ashley the person. I am more than just my job as a
cashier. When I work at Wal-Mart do customers know that I am funny? Do they know I
have a love for professional wrestling? Do they know that I am studying to be a travel-
centric content creator? No, they do not. In that case, why should I take personally
these negative opinions when in reality customers do not actually know who I am
outside of work.
I believe that this process of reframing worked well for me due to the fact that it
lead me to react with more positive self-talk. Reframing helped me take the blame off of
myself and my own actions, which lead to me thinking about the more positive aspects
of my character.

March 22
Concept: Let Go of the Past
This morning my mom went into the hospital for respiratory problems, being her
fifth or sixth time for the same issue in over a year. I blamed myself for her sickness
because I knew she was beginning to get a cold but I pushed for her to go with me to
Eccles Dinosaur Park in Ogden. I blamed myself because I should have been pushing
harder for her to stop her smoking habit. I blamed myself that I did not do something
more to help her before she got sick. While sitting in the hospital with my mother, I had
a moment to myself where I was thinking of all my previous actions that lead to this very
moment. I had to stop myself right there in that train of thought because my previous
actions were not able to be changed in the slightest. I had to look past the previous
events and “become aware of the changes that have occured and will occur in my life”,
(Beebe, et al. 2017, pg. 48). Allowing myself to let go of the past events was a
frustrating process because I am so used to blaming myself for everything that goes
wrong in my life. It is almost an innate reaction to an unfortunate event, and I am
horrified that I once considered that state of mind as normal.

March 23
Concept: Seeking Support
I spiraled into a horrible mental state quickly tonight due to the fact that my
brother has also entered the hospital to receive both his kidney and pancreas
transplant. I could barely sleep a wink due to the fact that possibly neither my mother or
my brother would be coming home from the hospital. I was panicking due to the fact that
I was terrified to be alone, if either of them were to die I would be stuck with paying off
any remaining debt that they had. I would not be able to live the life that I wanted to live
if I was stuck fixing other people’s problems. I ended up texting a mental health hotline
around one in the morning in order to make an attempt to find some peace of mind. I
believe that seeking support in my mental health issues was a good move due to the
fact I was able to put my thoughts, both positive and negative, into words while talking
to a licensed professional, (Beebe, et al. 2017, pg. 48). I believe I made a step forward
into enrolling in talk therapy once again since the professional offered to refer me to a
low-cost therapist in my local area.

April 6
Concept: Developing Honest Relationships
Today I ended up experiencing one of the negative sides effect of having a bad
emotional state; I got very sick. Overwhelming anxiety allows for a weaker immune
system which in turn makes becoming sick a lot easier. This then lead to more stress
due to worrying about my attendance at my job and being able to complete all of my
assignments for school by tomorrow. I already know that it will be very difficult to put
words to paper when I am not feeling one hundred percent confident on my thoughts.
This lead me to be honest about my stress and problems to my boyfriend, David. I
believe that we have developed a honest relationship and grown together as a team
through discussing the difficult thoughts that we both deal with. We were able to speak
about dark subjects such as if I were to lose my job or if my mother ends up dying from
her illness. This made me feel better in the way in which I knew that no matter how
close I am to hitting rock bottom emotionally, I will always have someone to catch me.
David helped me look into new places where I could potentially work at and told me his
plan to come out to me if my mother were to pass away. I believe that he gives me
realistic feedback and helps me want to become a better person. I believe that this
gives me motivation to make a big personal change in my life.

April 7
Concept: Visualize a Positive Image of Yourself
After being sick for about twenty-four hours now, I have felt discouraged about finding
the intrinsic motivation to finish this final journal entry. After lying around the house for
the full day, I was beginning to engage in negative self-talk once again. Phrases such
as “I am never going to be able to turn this journal in on time.” and “I can’t believe that I
was lazy enough to leave the final entry for tonight.” flew through my mind as I
attempted to feel better as quickly as I could in order to finish this entry as soon as
possible. I had to stop and visualize myself through the entire process of writing this
entry, The fingers moving across the keyboard, the flipping pages of the textbook next
to me, the light from my laptop shining brightly in my face, the satisfying feeling of
turning the project into Canvas. Once these vivid details flew through my head I felt
pressured. I was not going to let a measly sickness keep me from turning in my project.
I could always ask for an extension but I knew I did not want to do it. I am perfectly
capable of turning in my work on time, so why not do it? Although this taught me that
next time I should not leave the final entry for the day the assignment is due.

Conclusion:
Reading back through my previous journal entries helped me realize this
negative mental health spiral that I go through when I either experience failure or
traumatic events. Through this documentation, I am able to see what techniques of
improving self-esteem seem to work best for me. Through my analysis, I have
determined that I grow the most through seeking support from others and learning how
to properly reframe a negative situation into a more positive one. My future goals after
this journey are to finally go talk to a license professional about my problems in person
and enroll into talk therapy sessions. I believe that talking out my problems will help find
the root cause of what is causing me anxiety and intense process. I have made small
steps of improvement throughout the semester but through reframing my thoughts I
have realized that they are just that; improvements. You never stop going through
personal change as a human being. It is a never-ending cycle, whether it leans more
positive or negative is up to the individual.

References:
Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond. (2017). Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others.
8th Ed. Boston: Pearson Education, Inc. ISBN: 0-13-420203-1