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Conquering Depression: How I Became My Own Hero

By: Hunter Kent (on TEDx Talks, TEDx Youth at Cape Elizabeth High School, 2015)

I’m sure all of us can remember a time when we were sad, upset, or discourage.
A pet died, you got a bad grade, you had a fight with your best friend, and you’re sad, that’s
natural.
But eventually, a day, a week, a month passes and we feel better, and even though the pain
may not be completely forgotten, even though those brief period of unhappiness should still
be taken seriously, it passes, we feel better.

But when you’re living with depression, it doesn’t just pass.

It can strike after tragedy, or emerge out of the blue (kata kiasan dalam Bahasa Inggris,
jangan diartikan secara harafiah).
It can come from stress and pressure, from school, friends and family, bullying and emotional
abuse, and the media that damages our perception or self-image and self-worth.

I grew up as a shy, quiet, and introverted kid.

I had friends but in third grade, my sister, who I was very close to, left to live with another
family, and after she left, I became lonely.
My depression started taking a toll on me in eighth grade.
I rarely talked in school and although my grades were good, I had no motivation.
I felt very lost, and once I was on that rut, it felt impossible to try and get out.
I’d heard about cutting, how people hurt themselves to try and cope to their depression.
So I tried it, and became a habit, a go-to when I felt numb for three years.

The rest of eighth grade was hard, I was irritable, angry at the whole universe, angry at
myself most of all.
The voices in my head were awful, self-loathing and hateful.
I cried almost every day at the littlest of things and felt nothing.
I would have happily stopped existing.

When I went into freshman year, my grades started to go down.

I didn’t have motivation or energy to try harder.
That year, I was sent to a therapist.
She really didn’t help me at all, though, in fact, she actually made me feel worse.

Between freshman and sophomore year, I created a secret Instagram account. I wanted to
reach out to other people also struggling with depression.
Then, sophomore years started, and my depression got worse, but…. I was chosen to be a part
of the school’s Natural Helpers Program that year. Natural….helpers….it had to be a mistake.
All the other natural helpers were outgoing and confident, then, it occurred to me; it was my
Instagram, because reaching out to others on there was just as noticeable as reaching out to
others on school.
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However, my self-destructive actions continued, forcing me to wear long sleeves, and thick
bracelets, so no one would see, and I started depriving myself of food.
I was sent to a different counseling place which included group therapy, that didn’t help
either though, because I have no interest in getting better. I just didn’t care.

During these years, there were many times when I wanted to die. I didn’t necessarily want to
kill myself but I wanted to stop existing.
I became unsafe, one night, the weekend before final exams; someone who still remains
anonymous to me was afraid for my safety and called 911.
I’d gone to bed and woke up later that night to police officer at my living room, saying they
got a call, saying I had to go to the hospital.
I spent the fear-racked night in the emergency room, talking to various doctors and
counselors, crying into the scratchy and blue hospital gown.
Talking to my parents was the worst part. I felt like I let them down because I wasn’t as
strong as they thought I was.

School ended, summer began, and I felt just as lost as before. I didn’t see a light at the end of
the tunnel.

A few weeks in the summer, my parents decided to sign me to a summer camp called
Tanglewood up in Lincolnville, to do with three weeks leadership program. Yeah….a three
weeks leadership program, perfect….just what I needed.
I was furious; the thought of living in the wood with other teenagers who I didn’t know was
terrifying. Despite my pleading, I had no choice.

There were five other kids in leadership program, two girls and three boys, and one male and
female counselor.
At first I tried to isolate myself from them.
I was scared to open myself up to them.
But after all the challenge courses and group-bounding activities, after eight days of hiking
and canoeing in the wilderness, I grew to trust them.
They involved me in games and conversations. They offered me to seat next to them, they
paid attention to me when I shared an idea, they went out their way to make me laugh.

On the fourth night of our trip, we were all sitting around the fire, and one of our counselors
told us that we would be doing PSs, personal stories.
Every night two of us would tell our life story to the rest of the group.
I decided I was definitely going last.
Every night the eight of us would sack ourselves into the boys’ tent, which was only meant to
hold three people.
My turn finally came, and I was extremely nervous, but I decided to take the chance and tell
them everything.
I told them about my depression, and anxiety. I told them about the hospital night. I told them
everything.
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We stayed up until three in the morning, talking, and when our counselor sent us to bed, I
followed the other girls to our tent, and I remember, just stopping for a moment, and looking
up at the sky and at all the stars, and I realized I was smiling uncontrollably for the first time
in years.

I’d hope at the very least that they wouldn’t stop being my friend after I told them about
myself that night.
I didn’t expect that for the rest of the three weeks at camp we would become even closer, we
became a family.
I realized that I was cared for, and that I was loved, it hit me.
I could be free from my depression; I didn’t have to just live with this for the rest of my life.

Since then, things have only gotten better.

In the fall of the junior years, I learned to stop judging people and made dozens of new
friends.
Later in junior year, I went into freshman health classes and spoke to them about overcoming
pressure and judgment in high school.
After receiving hand-written letters in the freshmen, I knew that was my words and stories, I
could change the world.
I still use my Instagram, to post encouraging quotes and personal stories to my almost 3000
followers, including lots of my classmates.
Every day, I’m reminded to the impact of my kind words have.
I’m beginning to fall in love with myself and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.

I know that there are people in this audience who have experience or currently struggling
with depression.
This is for you, you are not in a bottomless pit, you are not in an endless tunnel without light,
you are not a hopeless cause.
Help is out there, you are loved and you are cared for.
You have the power and the right to achieve everything you want in life.

My life didn’t just get better on its own, but help from friends, old and new, I realized that
I’m worth so much more that I want thought, and that I have the power and ability to view the
world in a new way, as a place full of endless opportunities and amazing people.
I’ve opened myself up to what the universe has to offer and I’ve created my own beautiful
life.
I have emerged…..
Thank you……..

Reference:
TEDx. (2015, Jan 22). Hunter Kent: Conquering depression: How I became my own hero
[Video]. YouTube. [Link]