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Characters
Act One
Act Two
Act Three
Act Four
Act Five
Characters
Khlestakov
a clerk
Osip
his servant
The Mayor
Anna
the Mayor’s wife
Maria
the Mayor's daughter
Mishka
the Mayor’s servant
Dobchinsky
a landowner
Bobchinsky
a landowner
Lyapkin-Tyapkin
a judge
Dr Gibner
Zemlyanika
trustee of charitable institutions
Khlopov
schools superintendent
Police Superintendent
Avdotya
Policemen Postmaster
Locksmith’s Wife
Sergeant's Widow
Waiter
Shopkeepers
Thanks to Helen Rappaport
for her invaluable annotations and
subsequent suggestions and corrections. a
Act One
ONE
A room in the Mayor's house. The Mayor stands before
Zemlyanika, the Trustee of Charitable Institutions,
Khlopou, the Schools Superintendent, Lyapkin-Tyapkin,
the Judge, and Dr Gibner. Also the Police Superintendent
and two Policemen
Mayor It’s not good, gentlemen. That's why P've gathered
you all here. An inspector is coming - a Government
Inspector.
Lyapkin-Tyapkin What? A Government Inspector?
Zemlyanika A Government Inspector coming here?
Khlopov From, from St Petersburg?
‘Mayor From St Petersburg. And he’s travelling incognito.
Zemlyanika Incognito?
Mayor Incognito.
Lyapkin-Tyapkin This is cause for alarm. Definitely.
A grave situation.
Zemlyanika It was going to happen one day, always
going to happen
Khlopov Why incognito, why? What does he want with
us?
Mayor Two black rats. A premonition I had last night.
Idreamt about two black rats ~ massive rats ~ monsters.
Never seen rats that size . . . (Holds out letter.) I got this
this morning from Chmykhov, some of you know him.
I'm his son’s godfather. He says . .. where is it. .? (Skims letter, reads.) *. .. To warn you a Government
Inspector is coming to your province and he'll be in your
district to inspect your town . . . He'll more than likely
be travelling incognito so keep your eyes open...’ Dum
de dum de dum . . . ‘As public servants, I know you can,
from time to time, “fall short” in your public duties so
if T were you, I'd lay off all that for a while...” Anyone
not get that?
Alll look confused except the Judge.
Inverted commas. ‘Fall short’,
Lyapkin-Tyapkin Bribes. He means bribes.
Mayor (gives him a look) He's writing to me, but this,
affects all of us. We're all in this together. (Reads.) ‘I don’t
know when he'll arrive ~ he may be there already.”
Lyapkin-Tyapkin Good God , .
Khlopov Already? He's here already?
Mayor ‘Your cousin Anna’s been staying with us .
(Reads.) Haven’t read this bit yet. (Reads.) “Her husband
van the Obese still can’t play the fiddle.’ (Short laugh.)
“He was useless; big chubby fingers, couldn’t . . ”
Anyway, there it is in black and white.
Lyapkin-Tyapkin Indeed. Very much so. Something,
funny about it, though.
Khlopov Why now? Why our town?
Mayor The finger of fate. It has pointed at other towns
in the past - today it has turned and is pointing straight
at us.
Lyapkin-Tyapkin I think it’s more serious than that.
More important. Political.
‘Mayor Explain. Lyapkin-Tyapkin War.
Mayor War?
Lyapkin-Tyapkin The government want to go to war and
this . .. whoever he is, he’s coming to our town to check
the pulse, so to speak. Test the water.
Mayor Check the pulse?
Khlopoy Test the water?
Lyapkin-Tyapkin Will we fight bravely for the Mother
Russia or are we - you know...
Mayor No, I don’t know.
Lyapkin-Tyapkin Treachery. Treason. Are we a hotbed of
treasonous subterfuge? That's why he’s here.
Mayor Yes, because we're on the front line, aren't we?
We're of huge strategic importance...
Lyapkin-Tyapkin I'm only giving you my considered
appraisal.
Mayor You're a judge, you're a learned man... . We live
in the provinces. We're a small town on the fold of the
bloody map . ..! Get on a horse here, it takes three years
galloping full tilt to reach the outer fringes of arrywhere.
Lyapkin-Tyapkin You don’t understand . . . these
Petersburgers, they’re cunning. Thar’s exactly what they
want us to think. No, no, this is a test. They do it all the
time, Across the whole country. Oh yes.
Mayor Are you done?
Lyapkin-Tyapkin Just remember my words, all of you.
Mayor So, Ihave been warned — we have all been
warned ~ and we must act. Immediately. Hundred to one,
he'll head to the hospital first. (To Zemlyanika.) 1 want you over there now. I want the place faultless. Strip the
beds. Strip the patients, Wash everything, Wash urtder
everything, Sterilise, scrub, scrape, flush. Anything you
see. Dr Gibner?
Doctor steps forward.
Talk to me.
Doctor says nothing. The Mayor has sudden idea.
What about writing the patients’ details on a card
Yes yes yes! Type of illness if you know it - if you don’t,
write something else, Write it in Latin or Greek or...
and tie them to the end of the bed. The cards, not the
patients. Also also, yes, write their date of birth on the
” and, and the day they were admitted and the day
they're leaving . .. and, and comments, write some
comments: ‘Patient delighted with treatment, patient
always cheerful,” whatever you can think of. Got all that?
Doctor just looks at him.
No no, wait wait wait ~ he'll want to speak to them and
‘we don’t want him to speak to them, we're buggered if
he speaks to them. Shit. Get rid of them, round them up,
pile them on to carts, send them home ~ but leave a few,
wwe need a few, but, but knock them out, up their
medication, I want them flat out, I want them comatose
“cause if it goes down in his report, you're finished.
(Indicates Doctor.) And s0’s he. Who, God forbid, I really
hope is a Doctor ‘cause I haven't seen any tangible
evidence of it whatsoever; never once seen him speaking
toa patient, (Sighs.) This may all be too late .
Zemilyanika Relax. The Doctor and I have it in hand. F'l
inform this Inspector that Dr Gibner and I have
introduced some new initiatives. That is ~ in layman’s
terms: let Nature take its course. We've found expensive
medicines can take the onus off the patient. And to be
|
|
| honest, when your time comes, your time comes, am
Tright? Shoulder to shoulder on this, aren’t we?
Doctor nods.
‘And by the way, the Doctor doesn’t understand Russian,
doesn't speak a word ~ so you can’t really expect him to
svalk round the wards talking to the patients...
‘The Doctor lets out a sound. Mayor turns back to
| Lyapkin-Tyapkin.
> ‘Mayor Right, next. Courthouse. The geese. Tell whoever
‘owns them to get them out of there. I've had complaints
from petitioners for a while now, tripping over them,
standing on their babies. . . not babies, what're they
|
|
|
|
ay called? Gostings. I meant to talk to you about this
months ago but I keep forgetting.
ns Lyapkin-Tyapkin Pl have them rounded up and cleared
. out today. How about we have one for dinner tonight?
Mayor And clear out the courtroom, clear out all your
| hunting and fishing paraphernalia, your rifles ~ and the
fhunting whip you have, get it out ~ doesn’t exactly
suggest fair hearing, does it? And that Clerk of Court,
whatsisname, he stil stinks of vodka. Cheap vodka. I can
smell him from here.
| Lyapkin-Tyapkin Nothing works. He blames his mother.
| She dropped him on his head when he was a baby and
he’s had a whiff of vodka about him ever since.
Mayor Doctor, don’t you have a carbolic or antiseptic or
| somethin;
il The Doctor lets out another sound.
Zemlyanika Sir. No Russian.
; Mayor Moving on. Right, yes, falling short. I mean,
inverted commas, ‘falling short’... T admit, I myself, as
ee a public servant, can, inverted commas, ‘fall short’ from
time to time ~ as we all do. So, stop it. From today. Until
further notice. All right?
They all look at him as before.
Lyapkin-Tyapkin Bribes. He means bribes. Just say it.
Mayor We don’t take bribes. That's official.
Lyapkin
Zemlyanika If you threaten to kill me, I still wouldn’t
remember . . . It was some kind of fog that descended
and enveloped us.
Lyapkin-Tyapkin I know who it was. (Points at
Dobchinsky and Bobchinsky:) Them.
Bobchinsky
Dobchinsky Absolutely nothing to do with me.
/asn’t me.
Bobchinsky Or me.
Dobchinsky Nor me.
Zemlyanika It was them. It was.
Khlopoy They ran in here, scampering like madmen,
‘He’s here, he’s here!”
Bobchinsky No.
Lyapkin-Tyapkin ‘Deep in thought.’ ‘Hasn't paid for a
thing.” ‘Watches like a hawk.”
Dobchinsky No.
Mayor Gibbering monkeys!
Lyapkin-Tyapkin Chattering swine!
Khlopov Blathering cretins!
Zemlyanika Shrieking parrots!
They all surround them,
Bobchinsky I swear to God, it was him, not me
Dobchinsky No. It was you, it was you
Bobchinsky Ie was you!
Dobchinsky You!
Bobchinsky You you you!
113 A Policeman enters.
Policeman Sir?
Mayor What is it?
He's handed a letter. The Mayor opens it, reads it.
‘Sir, to inform you, by Decree of the Czas, a Government
Inspector has arrived from St Petersburg. You are ordered
to report to the local inn immediately.”
They all stare at him and each other. Silence.
‘Maria Does he have a moustache?
End.
