Trans-Scriptions

1103/08

So-maybe I just need to talk?

Toxins build when the venom can't come out.
Express...the word has meaning on several levels within this particular context.
What is supressed is sure to fester...and also consider these episodes where physical discomfort is
alleviated simple by being heard....
A lockbox on my larynx, the pressure builds, it burns...
...by feeling listened to.
Being dismissed and silenced is the thing that truly hurts...
Turned inward, all the rage, anxiety and pain start to eat away at me....
All this energy must come out...somehow.
I still feel slightly toxic, but have moments of clarity, I know I've forgotten things..
A sense of being connected, more direct, a sense of being clean...
but without some sort of buffer inbetween.
The thought vaguely frightens me.
I just have to remind myself that I'm okay, that things won't fall apart, and that most of all, I'm in
charge...of myself, anyway.
I can do this, I've done it before...
But the cumulative beating has gone on for months, years almost, and has left me momentarily worn...
I push myself so hard...I wish they knew.

1/17/08

I think my head is going to explode.

Here is what's new:
1) I finally met M. Piechowski today. I will treasure that for a long time.
He told me about Dabrowski when I asked the question finally, just as he got ready to leave....what he
was like.
High energy, English, not so good, and when he got going he'd forget...
A sense of humor, gracious, a European Gentleman....
(“But don't put anyone above him.”)
(Yes, this I understand)
2) Registration – better, locked in answers to other questions, a plan for other things
3) Something is emerging, I can feel it. It is not 'constipation' but 'pregnancy' so to speak...not in
body, but of creativity. That's what he said is the key to creativity. And, when I told him I took
relativity with no prior physics experience, he exclaimed “that's impossible!”
(but that is my specialty, to do impossible things...)
Suddenly the fog cleared, the maelstrom passed and I am still here, where others would easily turn back
to the familiar....after all, one must attempt the impossible in order to ever reach it, and I must...so long
as you assume you can, so long as you don't look down or listen to the critics close at hand...they are
left behind soon enough.
I have my land, my new life...yet I am always restless- willit ever be enough?
I feel so strange, yet sort of amazed....
Yes, Dabrowski changed-and perhaps saved-my life.
Since I cannot ever thank him personally, I was at least able to attempt the next best thing...
1/18
It simply makes no sense to muck around in the details, not for me. The universe drives this home.
I have been restless and discontent again, I think something is coming...it's on the tip of my brain.
I'm not sure I believe in dark matter. No, I don't.
(not in its popular 'form')
But they won't believe me...not yet, anyway.
But here, all those problems dissolved from the top down. It makes more sense to work WITH gravity
than against...
…..
Sometimes my lack of patience is a virtue.

Tuesday (date unknown)

I am overwhelmed today.
Don't forget who you are.
Note to self: Linden tea is good for nerves.

Thursday (date unknown)

Pressure cooker...I remember the origin of the moniker.

I am about to have a meltdown. When I am frustrated, my frontal lobes deactivate and I cannot think.
I am scattered, pissed off and overwhelmed.
I don't like this class, it's too big, too standardized.
But at least I am feeling exasperated rather than anxious.
I'm just tired of spending my life jumping through hoops.
Everything has to be a fucking problem because of my wiring.
I HATE feeling compressed...I need to spread my wings.
Blind. Linear. Algorithms.
But I am not linear!
I see patterns...
Why make me repeat what all the linear people do easily? These people need to learn to delegate.
…..
It must be the damn moon, my energy is simply too big for my skin today, and my frustration tolerance
is next to zero...there is a werewolf waiting for the right instant to leap through my defenses.
Roiling, broiling, restless, violent....unable to channel the spikes of entropy surrounding me...I cannot
bear the pressure, I want to fucking scream or kill someone, smash something....but even than would
only take the edge off....there is nothing in this world wide enough to pass this wedge of chaos that
catches in my clenched jaw, tightened fists....I am not in a static mood, not an intrinsically bad
mood....just intense intense intense.....an unfocused id with eyes rolled back and teeth pounding on the
doors chains broken, I want to destroy the world, start over with a clean structure....it is a rhythm in my
head, my chest...my muscles twitch...today I am one volatile firestarter primal fucking bitch....how can
I possibly narrow channels down on this??
They do not understand...they are only paper dolls and puppets...this is real and solid in a sense they
can't fucking comprehend.
It comes....only angry in restraint....the demons thrashing into rage...barely contained, I HATE.

1/25

Was into the “slap-happy” phase of low-level sleep dep., up too late immersed in Chandra animations
and globular clusters. But, was relatively cheerful, although a little down now at 8:24 PM.
I feel good about things today, I feel I am gaining confidence and beginning to integrate.
You know what happens when you feel that ornery defiance brewing...amazing things happen.
When I do things just to be an asshole, it is usually in reaction to someone telling me I cannot....my
stubborn, ornery, Taurean blood.

My chest aches when I listen to this song, transitional music, a trigger...I remember....driving all night
to Chicago, a silhouette, moving into the core...feeling tendrils in the air...a buzz in the air, power...I
can't tell if I am restless or lonely or nothing and everything.
What can I do when I feel it, let me see....it rolls...I too can affect this reality...power.
I'm almost afraid to feel it...why?
Because there is no one here to channel it to...but perhaps I can make something....new....
No, because I never want it to end. I fear that it will leave again, this time forever. It gets harder and
harder as layers build.
But...not...quite...yet...
Certain music, resonance triggers that pump endorphins through my veins, stimulate energy, survival
meaning a taste...the edge of that thing I crave but cannot say....nothing is ever the same.
Music is my savior, always and forever.
Chronic self stimulation still will not bleed the pressure out...a feedback system....stuck energy....need
need need a real release.

1/27

Capitalizing on what I've got...

I have this feeling again.

The energy traces paths down my envelope of skin, my manifold, my flesh prison.
Directional vectors, like chaos in all directions, and then some.
I oscillate, like cosmological waves; it's only natural.
I did it all for science, and for rock and roll. Yeah!
In my room, but a new perspective, a new view; nonlinearity as always.
See the trick is always....just to DO SOMETHING ELSE.
I can't really “un” focus well.......not yet anyhow.
I can't say what is eventually possible if I keep my mind open to all possibility.
…
My new thrift store cooking pot forms a crispy crust around the oatmeal, but does not stick. The
interior is super-fluid under the crust like a neutron star, sort of.

1/28
It is like spring today. Everything is fuckng melting.

….....
2/02

I am in a terrible mood today, irritated and restless....tick tick tick, a waste.

So, I am going for a walk because I don't know what else to do.
I need something but there is nothing I want, nothing I think will quite hit the spot.
I hate the world today.

2/03

Note to self:

DON'T FUCKING TALK TO ANYONE ANYMORE.

….

I have to just keep reading, a lot of different sources to see the pattern come clear....to translate.

…...

(scribbled in margin)

Where the fuck is that chocolate?

2/8

I've been quite moody. I'm sitting in the entranceway to the physics building reading e-mail and
generally wallowing in angst.
I have to pull myself out of this. If I am not happy, I know I can change after all...I know what to do. I
have to start taking the real stuff in small chunks instead of ingesting mass amounts of fluff. This is the
best I can do, I don't need to fear my demons...I know how to keep them happy, or at least moderately
so.
When I wander (even online if I can't do it physically) I remember who I am. I have been here before.

Set some structure for your appetites and labors, that's all you need to do. It is in the absense of
structure that they run amok....when you DON'T LOOK, when you deny....
Now face that tidal wave head on. Trust instincts. Know when to leap, when to wait. Do things in your
own time, in your own space. Write, and draw, and play. These are the things that will always save me.
And, I'll tackle this math thing too. I can do it. I am just spoiled by my verbal savant. Perhaps I am
afraid of pruning neurons from that line...but as JD says, new dimensions come along with the
sacrifice...we can rewire.

The worst part is that I know when I am being a jerk and that makes me even angrier, since my misery
is ultimately all my own work...

2/10/08

I'm remembering how to laugh again.

(referring to playing music)

It felt different, so smooth, sans self-handicap, something new...
because what I really crave is stimulation, pure and simple...
subject -object, but free-form creation feels so good....
sitting back and feeling it come through...channels open, things feel right
I can feel it, I can make it happen, I am so wondefully diffuse....
2/11/2008

So...what's changed? Suddenly, so strange...and it's about time. I feel angry in that way that gets me
what I want...the motivator.
Instead of conforming, jumping through hoops, I can forge my own way....which usually upsets the
status quo. They see something coming and react, perhaps not on a conscious level, but a sense of
impending change. I cannot abide their reductionist degradation. No details, no need...but something
inside shifted....and I've remembered who I am again.

2/12 – 13

Holy fuck, it's almost 6 am and I just got home. What a fuckin' day.

2/13

Made it...will sleep well tonight. Jamming felt good despite my lack of shut-eye, perhaps it even helped
that my left brain was shut down.
I feel like last night deserves some commentary, but I know that if I attempt it now, it won't come out
right. It can't....

2/14

It occurs to me that - rules are uneccessary in the presence of basic trust and respect in its purest form.
I'm like a raw nerve when I don't sleep.
I feel like I have no skin, filters down, difficult to shield....out or in....

2/15

they're not worried that I can't do it, they're worried that I can.
I recognize the nervousness. But should I compromise? Maybe, not yet...

2/16

What it is, is in the end...

I've got that feeling once again, when I become expansive, just as easily I crash and burn.
I'm confused and frustrated, and feeling utterly alien. Completely fucking alien.
I came to Union South to watch a midnight movie about raccoons with magic testicles.
I hate everyone and everything. I am angry, I want to escape.
I'm pissed off at being given a taste, only to be denied my fix as the demons come out later.

….

I just feel so fucking strange – the taste of...that certain something – lingers with me.
But the trigger is gone...a lesson here? Why I am afraid to let it come on its own...ultimately, powerful,
to trigger this alone.
Stimulation, an oasis from the mundane, a viscous flow...something real, a taste comes flooding
back.....a long lost lover come again. My fear is that she will always leave me in the end, leave me
hanging once again – the others? They're just tools.
…..

(scribbled haphazardly, probably after awakening in the middle of the night)

note – extra info -

“you need to know very little to find the underlying signature of a complex phenomenon”

extra info can be harmful (TMI)

second guessing what we “feel”

undermines – overcrowded equations

(yes, I – simplify – look for the hidden threads.

Structure with degrees of freedom, “frees” us – the foundation that is...to fly

note – for empathy and rescpet, relieve the pressure.

Me - “get to the damn point”

(what's the purpose here? They forget...too involved in their blind algorithmic processes to know when
to abandon it, when circumstanes dictate otherwise...)

identifiable underlying pattern in the complex...

“overloading the decision-makers with information makes picking up the signature harder”

recognize patterns...(with too many choices, perhaps)

frugality (I do get lost in the details)

Because it is a load of fucking nonsense...

2/17

I think I'm too stubborn to kill myself when it comes down to it, but I do spend an awful lot of time
praying for a brain embolism or something equally swift and dramatic. I often feel as if my head will
explode, so it wouldn't be out of character...well, except for the fact that I tend to have low blood
pressure. But I still entertain the thought that one of these days that little pounding vein is just going to
blow like an atom bomb. I hope someone who pissed me off gets hit with the shrapnel. Fuckers, all of
'em. I'm so angry I want to violently self-annihilat out of sheer frustration-and the assholes won't even
reognize it. They have no fucking idea. And they wonder why so many brilliant, “promising” people
FUCKING DIE unnaturally.

2/19

Oh my...think it and be it ~ for real!!

I am grinning right now, this is fun.
Spring is coming – darling dopamine, nice to see you again..this time, you didn't leave me
hanging...spring fever, once again...
…..

I can think back and see the ghost of my retraced steps or superimposition, something ending, new
beginnings....but I knew it couldn't last, and the future, unbelievable, my dream solidified....
I script my story, shape the plot like fingers trailing on a spinning pot...the fourth dimension, smoothing
out in waves, oncentric patterns, rings...so gently sloping, strength of curvature...and then my future
self walks past, connected from afar at that rajectory in the past, circling and now intersecting tracks.
I remember...
I'm laughing in the new sunshine today, cold, still, icy, just enough to offer an excuse...
Dopamine makes me tingle with internal laugher, with the absurdity. I can still feel my old self standing
there, just beneath.
I wish I could have told her...a shapshot. Perhaps she saw a glimpse just as I can glimpse her, standing
here so clearly looking up at what would become my new perspective, my whole new way of being.
How nice to have this piece fall so absurdly into place, and with mojo restored, I am confidant like I
was not before.
I can still taste the high of a time revisted, realized...how nice to still have it in me.
But faster and faster, this is good...always more where that came from.
Absurd, intense, surreal, so sublime, delicious...the best of times, a stolen afternoon...drinking in every
juicy moment. In class, and cannot concentrate, and do not care.
I can be as superficial as I am deep, it's funny how the moderate ground is the only part that escapes
me. I wish this feeling would never leave.

Progress to date (what I said I would do!):

1) move out here (Madison), start taking classes, find a mentor, insert myself into culture, be
visible, be indispensible, work hard....
2) Find a band (thank god I feel alive again)
3) I don't remember, not specific, but...just below my consciousness. I am gaining confidence in
my ability to never have to settle, to get what I want, if I do it right-in that I let it flow instead of
clamping down....I talk too much. But at least for now, all is well with the world. I realize now,
these things, these good days, are the sum of the parts, the emergent property. It cannot be
captured by words, not expressable via dichotomy.....cannot be observed directly, dissipates at
the harshness of direct observation....think think....the universe, the geometric tunnel...the fist of
streaming sand....everything we look at straight turns to matter...the dynamic property flattened
out by slices of spacetime that cannot ever capture the essence from these are static and that,
you see....is what they are missing. THAT, my friend, is the difference....falling between the
cracks means freedom ina sense....
…...
Slacked off, but feeling confidant and when I start to feel bad, I start to think of my good fortune to be
in the right place at the right time and in the right frame of mind all at once for once...there is a full
moon tonight, I felt it coming.
(Don't panic, you did it, can do it again...your brain is trying to distract you again...)
….
There's a full eclipse of the moon out there – and after my nightmare test. I had an anxiety attack-so
much pressure...I didn't leave, but I couldn't think....shaky....anyway.
Despite this, spent an hour outside watching the moon, frolicking in snow like a couple of fools.
Unreal. Oddballs running through three feet of snow across the law of the physics building. I needed
that today.
2/21

What a day, I am exhausted. My mother is evil.

But the interesting thing is that I am not able to separate from it since having the new psychologist
admit early on that she is crazy. I am also hyperaware of my self-doubt and propensity to freeze up
under pressure (only under certain circumstances, however...not those involving life or death...as I find
out much later), but, realizing where the hypercritical paralysis comes from.

2/23

Oh my fucking lord, what a night/morning....fucking surreal. I daydreamed for months and the actuality
blew my mind...
I can't stop seeing it in my mnd...a rush of something wonderful and yet irritating because it is
overload, overstimulating...it's dangerous to want something so badly. Yet this time it's different...I can
write my own story now. That's the thing, really, to have gotten what I want like this...jump in without
hesitation...no time to pine for what I've missed...no delayed gratification....I see the prize and reach....I
wonder what else I can have if I want it...but, what now? Why does it frighten me....the fear that
everything....will flatten out.
No...step one, thinking, let it flow...self-confidence...subject-object in the self. It's not played out, not
yet...you see, the interations are coming closer....every...day.

2/23

Sunday, Bloody Sunday....

If I was a boy, I'd have some wicked-ass blue balls right now – and I'm totally amped up from band
practice too....aargh!

…..

p.s. (addendum)
aaah fuck, now I get my stupid period.
(after about 5 years of amennorhea)
No wonder my uterus felt like a clenched fist all day – I guess I'm pragmatic/efficient, only comes
when I start getting laid. Oh well, I can wait...
(he asks me, why is it that women can multi-task? Ah, the corpus callosum, the structure that mediates
communication between the right and left hemispheres....that's what I was looking for in your eyes the
other night, he says....)

2/25
I think too much, way too fucking much....I am going to make myself fucking crazy.
But, I can change things this time I think, I see the pattern starting to emerge....
It's all me, infinite regress....tightening up, performance anxiety....with apathy comes freedom – non-
attachment.....only leads to vertigo if you don't look down...the infinite regress...stretches endlessly
down.
I can't speak what I need to say directly-it quickly degrades, decays...like particles I guess.....loses the
all important emergent property...I know too well that a single slice cannot capture me yet I cannot
speak...
….
It's the self-consciousness, the performance anxiety that's killing me....the microscopic self-examination
paralyzes me...that is when I freeze up. Distraction loosens me up.
Hypercritical, insane mother, the therapist says. I guess, maybe. She never ever even said she's sorry. I
have difficulty forgiving her for this. But at least the demon has come into view, this latest one...and
they wonder why I have to be perfect, why I feel like a failure. If I can hate her right now, then maybe I
can hate myself a little less? When I remind myself that I am okay, that the amplification of flaws and
fuck-ups is my own perception...projecting onto others' views.....which gets easier, things get better...I
realize on some level that I always assumed that I was damaged, flawed, stupid and someone would
find out if they got too close. She stabs you in the softest spots. Pay attention....because...in some ways
you are now the legend. Could others feel so unsure too despite appearances? It must be so....

2/28

close eyes...breathe deep...relax....jump in....

knowing that I must not throttle the life from newly sprouting things, instead one must give them room
to flourish, nourish with the space to become emergent in their higher space....
because this is exactly what I need for myself.
It is in my impatience that I will clamp down, strangle in my impatience...to extract something that has
not fully formed yet....and no amount of brutal force will extend the growing stem....
This is my lesson, but I think that I am beginning to really understand.

One of the other professors on our floor told me that he thought I was good for Hakki, and seemed to
take an interest in how my project was going and etc.
This meant a lot to me because sometimes I feel like I have been getting a hard time here.
I think that they know that my heart is in the right place.
I still believe that integrity usually wins out in the end.

2/29

Started the day cranky and bad-tempered because I had to go to school early and bring Hakki a geiger
ounter and some uranium for his class demo. No, really!
But I am in good spirits now....it is beautiful out and the day is wide open.
I wish I could battle this feeling and sustain it forever...but for me, the insatiable, there must always be
something novel.
“If I stop swimming, I sink” as Dr. F put it; a quite adequate description from someone with a similar
brain schematic, a similar fear...that eventually nothing will do it anymore. We adjust, there must
always be something new...if we stagnate, we suffocate – need fresh air through the gills at all times.
Things now are new...a small wndow of cruising altitude, top speed, a thrill...don't look down now, go
with it. Remember, you remember how.

p.s. Oddly enough, I have had no anxiety attacks in the past two weeks and I can drink (decaf) coffee
again. It's so strange. It's delicious. I thought it was gone...but now every nerve is awake and singing. I
feel like I can do anything. But this is a real, tangible energy...they do not understand, not consciously,
but they can sense it, misintepret it as something else...a “certain something” - intangibility itself.
Regression, geometry, falling back and inside out again. I feel that direction twisting just behind my
sternum but no words can claim the degree of perpendicularity. It is purely a right-brained thing.
March 1st (I think?)

In a weird, not altogether pleasant, not altogether unpleasant mood today. The simulation tension
between overload and withdrawal is a fine line and rarely just right. I note how I selectively filter, but it
is up to me, is it not?

3/5

Sometimes the internal pressure of energy build-up gets so bad that I want to cry or scream or break
something somebody or to make myself bleed.
They do not understand how tightly it squeezes me – and they wonder wonder wonder they wonder
why I scream...creative pressure? I fucking hate when things are ending...or beginning,
sometimes...there are levels here as well, subtlety lost in the cracks of verbal expression; so restless, so
roiling, volatility....pressure cooker....too much, not enough, rarely can I fly like I truly must.
What am I so afraid of?
What am I running away from?
My own demons?

(a torn page a few pages later contains several scribbled phone numbers, including JB's, which is
probably quite recently acquired)

(No further entries until May 22nd)

5/22

I'm seriously considering becoming a recluse to the extent I am able, in terms of being very selective in
my interactions with the outside world. I am tired of having people disrespect my boundaries, my
beliefs and my being. Time to cull the herd, as Mr. S would say. After getting together with Doc today,
this was reinforced. We have to protect ourselves from their contamination. They don't understand. So
much energy wasted in frustration, in navigating their farce. I'll play their algorithmic games to get my
way, but then I will retreat back to my cave to cleanse myself of their filth.
G called yesterday, complaining about similar stuff.
I am tired of being violated in ways they can't comprehend.
It feels good to take back my power.
After all, I have everything I need right here.
No more letting people into my space, unless they are like me.
…....
blind screaming teeth, the moon, hair on end, primal, throat ripping, barely subdued demons just below
my skin.....
….a taste of something real...who am I to overthink.....that's what gets me in trouble.
No matter what I do it never matters anyway.

5/23

The terrible restlessness, somehow taken away.....then left behind....

“poltergeist” activity?
Leaving behind what was stuck (the terrible pressure) in me....
I feel so clean, unclogged, plugged in, reconnected, unblocked, no more compression.....
how the hell did he do that?
Now I realize what I'm really after;
a periodic 'bleed' of pressure – or it backs up, poisons me, won't let me sleep....
It's not sex itself, there was none of that today.....
I am intrigued.
The difference is dramatic.
I think that I will sleep....

2/25

Like milking a rattlesnake, it builds right back up.

It's Maz's birthday.

(the rest of the book is blank)

new journal

12/20/2006

Re: school loan fiasco and ensuing meltdown yesterday

~crisis averted, last minute.
Call me Ms. Magoo – this shit only happens to me....but thanks, it's all taken care of, and I didn't see
this one coming. All I've gotta do now is show up. Well, and write an essay, but that's cake.
Slaps forehead....”Next”?
Goodnight.
p.s. I found free X-mas cartoons (smurfs, pacman, etc...old school) – online. Life is good.
p.p.s. I recover FAST. These days, I even amaze myself-resiliant – bouncing back – but hey, who's got
time to waste – not I.

12/21

-Sweet potatoes, apples, chestnuts, cherries – microwave gourmet, as of late

-Curry lives in Chicago now
-Fog-> eerie, cool.
-Roaming...at ease...when moving...

12/22

I am feeling a bit down and frustrated at five thirty seven (at last check)...time marches on, wandering
aimlessly. I need something but want nothing. I am the model of vague discontent amidst the retarded
holiday shopping frenzy that stopped making sense at all, I don't know when.
Everything is pending and this rubs me wrong.
There is nowhere I want to be today; disconnected, groggy, a little grumpy.
Maybe I need a new pocket rocket...possibly.
I think anyone touching me right now would cause me to punch them.
I roam, because although I do not want to be out, I do not want to go home either.
Do these people realize how fucking stupid they are?
They shop out of obligation, hating it it yet...doing it anyway.....exchanging gifts and it doesn't mean a
fucking thing.
Yesterday, I wanted to be be everywhere.
My timing is bad.
Maybe I am just a little tired...low-level sleep deprivation, my frequent companion.
Nothing feels quite right, chronically misaligned.
What do I do? Wander...waste time, fume...
It's not that extreme, though, just a slight irritability, the story of my life...
~~~~~~~~~
I stopped at the science surplus store and used my 20% off coupon to buy a model of the brain, and this
inexplicably made me feel a bit better...it will do until I get a real one. I deserve it.
I got into a PhD program. Wow! It still hasn't sunk all the way in.

12/23

Since I have difficulty fitting into pre-established categories (templates etc.), I must make things my
own, set my own parameters and gather the substance around to fit my interesting angles and curves.
~~~
Wow, I do feel much better, having (mostly) freed myself from past entanglements AND we actually
got the mattress upstairs! I can sleep in my own bed tonight!
Mo helped, and having someone to talk to made it less of a chore....drums in car.
Change so bittersweet, new ends fade into new beginning.

p.s. I am going to make dinner tomorrow! It came to me...a recipe – white bean soup, beet garnish,
lemon poppyseed muffins, baked apples. I'm excited! I love to cook and share.

12/24

I made dinner!
White bean soup w/ collard greens (recorded this recipe)
lemon poppyseed gluten-free muffins
for dessert – baked apples w/raisins, a la mode.
Feel better.

Mom was decent, even nice to me when I called to ask what was in Bell's seasoning – she said she
knew I have a good heart, which is nice, because J.D.'s ranting wore me out after a while (via text
message) ~ but I know that I try....I just feel like no one can “see” me...sometimes (past their own
'stuff') – so I realize I am not alone – I wonder if he is enjoying his solitude...I doubt it.

12/25

Merry Christmas!
Slow start, cheerful now – Starbucks on 71st and Stony was open!
Walgreens – baggies, cookies, small candy canes...coffee carafe...little x-mas meal for the less fortunate
may go see a movie after
Inspired in the meantime, take advantage – more later

~~

Children of Men – 10:40 PM

fancy theater by Navy Pier
Three sandwich packs, one guy rummaging through trash cans about to open a tossed styrafoam
leftover tray – instead, brand new food.
White Hen – 5 cent bananas – bought enough for ninety cents.
It's cold out but felt invigorating despite numb toes. Sneezed a bit, or sinuses thawed...but here I go –
feeling like I earned the entertainment, nine bucks be damned...they gave me a buck off even though no
student ID. Was inspired to bang out essay fast...and also, entered Bill Gates contest. Genni, excited
about all my reports, proud, and saying my thoughts aloud...that it wouldn't surprise me to get a call
from Oprah or Gates- because of my remarkable haphazard living state and style. And now I have the
meat for a proposal – hooray! What a wonderful Christmas day in my new city, my new place, my new
beginning, my next chapter unfolding, dynamic part of this pattern (built for recognition) this glorious
whole – I feel songs in me...These Circles are Spirals when we see thhe real depth looking flat we see
circles and stay in the trap of insanity mundane rat race blinds us to extra space elbow room they don't
feel stifled like me, too tight in just three extend as I fluctuate waving in my true shape tendrils
extending the fabric a richness I feel in my bones, my gut seems to know this as intellect chatters
distracted by bright lights activities pending so sweet neverending contunuum smooth underneath all
these categories that most of them see never questioning zombies fed predigested information junk
food distraction abstracted from density separate meaning to worship the symbolist theology...while I
ache for a taste of anything real and I know this when I feel it unmistakable taste settles sweet on my
tongue echo memory never forgetting my drug untimate drug smooth underneath all these categories
that most of them see never questioning...zombies

Born blind but I feel it so keepnly, so deeply. My tndrils xtend into infinity my mobius twists and
apparently formulates dizzying waves that cross-section to particle sectioned this way by the blind
man. They clutch at thir elephantine pet thories, they cram it to fit into template yet miss the
obvious(ly) parsimonious sanctity majestic unfurled out byond this small world yet the anthill reality
for the small minded egotistically inclined bulk of human delusion cultivated illusion the paradigm
blindly defined and supported by self-imposed boundaries...imprisoned, consensus reality prison and
limitation arbitrary and limits too narrowly defined.
Waxing sane in a world that is lost in its mind and the blind lead the blind repetition.
~~~~~
Masturbating relentlessly (endlessly) mental incestuous circles chasing a tail while the spiraling
staircase unfurls in th air just beside them....
and I am still digging relentlessly spiraling for what I sense hiding and so close at hand

12/26

So far, so good. At Panera Bread, to reorganize, reassess.

Frantic day but few obstacles, running a bit behind.
Remember to talk about parking meters and why I am not bipolar. (?)
Pressure in my head, something needs to be born – but, I avoid...opening a can of worms, it builds and
needs to be said (bled).
Pacing like a cat about to give birth but holding back because it will hurt.
But I know this agitation, sign of impending creation.
My horoscope says I need to talk to an 'air' person, that keeping things “bottled” is affecting me, to
clear the air, take rubbish to curb, wave goodbye...
wrote mad spastic lyrics!
Bakes banana muffins with honey-toasted sunflower seeds, a little crispy but good – w/ low fat cream
cheese.
Pressure alleviated-for the time being.
12/28

Frustrated, discouraged, sulky.

Tired of being told I have no options, backed into a corner by bureaucratic nonsense.
The depression of thwarted ambition and energy, stuffed so rudely back up inside of me.
“I don't know what to tell you” is fucking cruel.
Why don't they understand how intolerable this is? Why won't anyone help me?
I am about to get fucking diabolical. I'm no fucking victim.
I need to have some control in my life. Be creative. I don't want to be depressed when people piss me
off.
I want to fucking cry. I try so hard and I'm blocked at every turn, no way out of this fucking hell; I just
want out.
It's not that I care what people think, it's when they make things difficult, when they fuck with me for
no good reason.
I'm sick of this bullshit. I'm sick of people tripping me up.
If one more person tells me I'm stuck, I am going to go fucking postal.
Another brick in the fucking wall.
~~~~
approx. 8 PM, Oak Park, Illinois:
How bizarre.
I'm walking down the street in Oak Park when a guy with a heavy accent says “are you Michelle?”
At first I assumed he knew me from Mensa or something, but apparently not, he didn't even seem to
know what it is. ...he handed me a card and said “just a guess” and that god wanted him to talk to me.
I'm still wondering if someone is playing a joke on me.
But, stranger things have happened.
I checked myself for a name tag- paranoia?
A receipt? What?
I guess I'll never know anything for sure.
~~~~
I am dying of PMS.
But, I have oatmeal, the original War of the Worlds and a new perspective in the “Library” - remember,
change keeps you from getting so stuck, and makes you feel better anyway.
~~
Why do I always have to be the scapegoat?
You lied, you changed the rules, you let me down...how dare you be angry when you left me hanging a
million times over...you panic, both of you, with nothing to hold over my head....you selfish fuck. I
gave you 80 bucks, I've done plenty for you, ungrateful piece of shit..you're going to pay for this....
pushed past the chaos, the roil, into the calm quiet place that is truly diabolical...revenge. Collecting
evidence for myself, a matter of survival now, just in case.
You are all going to fucking pay.
I can be just as dark as my light – that razor sharop focus on my quarry tonight...you want to fuck with
me, trip me up...now my friend you have my attention.
I eliminate obstacles like a bull ina china shop.
The power ripples down.

12/31

I've been pissed off for about three days now – frustrated.
Need to get laid or engage in some (preferably legal) form of violence.
Aggressive, pacing, restless, simmering...nothing is satisfactory, can't settle down, can't get
organized...feelingchronically misaligned in space and time, ornery to the nth- a coiled spring, tension
poised to be released, bleed the pressure...but where? Hair trigger...may not be up to me- in? Out? All
and nothing, nowhere and everything, what the fuck do I even want (or need)?
Start somewhere, start tomorrow, in the end...it's all arbitrary anyway...
-Reduce clutter, real & virtual/mental
As self- what do I really want or need?
What craving am I really trying to fill?
Make an action plan for days when I am scattered
-Continue to take time outs/switch gears as needed (to avoid explosions) & meltdowns
-Do it my way if their way is retarded
-Try to take things in small doeses, remember that you can

1/1/07 (approx. 1:30 AM)

Happy New Year -
Saw James Curry-he stopped by.
And soon, I leave - - I need a job!
Soon- - more later-- cheesy movie night to ring in the new.

(INTERMISSION)

So far, so good.
But yet somehow I am terribly depressed.
I may be angry again and need to face the discomfort, with few coping mechanisms.
Talking to my mother made it worse.
Why is she so fucking insensitive?

~~~~

Brooding – full moon. So angry it hurts – frustrated to the point of internal pain and pressure.
I hate this.
I need an outlet.
I think back about six weeks, feeling self-annihilation knocking at the gate.
The pressure is making me sour and volatile.

The key – don't just take away but replace – make contingency plan.
A bottomless pit....and stagnation kills me.

~~~

...really fuckin' late. So used to being disappointed, surprised when someone, well, when someone
surprises me. Building up, tearing down.

1/02

Okay, new roommate is cool. He's from Germany (Berlin).

Otherwise, things are rolling!
I am baking a banana bread for my new German friend.
We get along great.

What an intense day. I am overstimulated and want to cry. Fuck.

1/04

So, I leave today for Cincinnati, and I'm excited.

Yesterday – mad dash of a day.
Onward – to fuckin' Ohio – ha!
Will need to buy a new Rocket.
Won't have to worry about anything but learning for the next 9 – 10 days. How wonderful!
I had a sudden urge to buy a scratch off and won ten bucks – yesss!
Put a shine on my day, surely.
I will go buy fruit now.

~~

I am agitated from witting in this fucking car too long.

And, because it should not be this difficult to find a pen.
And, because I am late.
I wanted time to settle in.
I jerked off about 8 times, and may do so again, come to think of it, to reduce tension.
Brief txt exchange with SR, who is home in NYC he said, and moving soon. I wonder why, if it is a
married life thing.
Feel a little better, letting what is in my brain come out, stressing over nothing.
The ball is rolling now. The hard part, I think, is past...will gather speed and won't need to tend it so
much. As it gathers speed, there will be no stopping the momentum.
It is Thursday?
I am in a music mood for now, subwoofer vibrating.
~~
Holy cow, a flipped over 18-wheeler! Why do I always wish I had a camera when I see things like that?
I'd better be careful rummaging around or I might be next.

Half my frustration comes frm struggling against the flow instead of just adjusting where I am, tending
to how I steer...instead of wasting energy pissed off about what is here – banging fist into wall,
pointless in the end...not sure why, I deny...other choices on my end. I am spoiled and want it my way
when there may be something...just as suitable right around the bend.

I did my laundry the easy way – by dropping it off – twenty-two pounds of the stuff – and picked it up
all folded, etc. Wish I thought to do this sooner...it is worth it to me. No laundromats....ever again!
Although I have to say, pumping gas – the other “everyday” task I hate – is no longer so bad in the
Midwest since I figured out how to set it to pump on its own while I wander off. So apparently, I just
hate fucking standing around and holding the blasted nozzle and waiting. Now I can multitask.
I could probably tell my mother about this laundromat stuff – it seems like a “Mom” tale to tell, versus
anything that might designate me to hell in Baptist land.

It cracks me up how certainthings elude me in terms of pronunciation, even though in my mind, the
words are second nature – to my eyes. More translation difficulties.

But what flows naturally – it is coming, you know, right here...can you feel it?
I almost balk when I near it...I might actually get everything I want. Why is this frightening? Afraid
that I will stop striving and....what?
I don't think I ever do- there will always be something new.
Freedom is the ultimate goal. There must be a way out. There has to be...and finally, I may just be able
to see it, be it, achieve this impossible dream. Most heartwrenching...must always have hope – but just
because people try to convince you it is a hopeless fight...I can taste something in the air, faint, but
there, tonight. This reinforces me,the inkling that it may just be all right – and that I don't have to give
up the fight. They just don't know. Surreality. I will suspend, not yet, when the time is right I'll know.
Not out of fear – well, perhaps a tad – but something else in the background as I vaguely toss the thing
around – wonder how it will open the gates.

Common themes, echoing out from dreamtime at sixteen, and these intense brown eyes on me, causing
flip-flop in my belly. When I almost feel it, when I near it, I recall and regret ever having forgotten it at
all. Darling dopamine, sing your glorious chemical lullaby to me. Sooth me, heal me, make me
high....power, darling, in this hour....relinquish me your seed of hyper-astral energy, the lines behind the
scenes run deep...the ultimate intensity. Uncovering the spiral patterns, looking down into everlasting
mobius patterns, vast and poignant, silence in the echo of the graceful golden curve...layers once
layered twice. Walking shadows in the narrows hintsof ultamatum fall. Begine, we shout, you've no
power here at all within our sacred place, secret shining sub-planar tubes of thrumming respiration in
the myco-cosm, this alien of alien scapes of imposing tubular plains and gray – the levels down, so
close...yet so far away. The steel is cracking, even now – the peals of thunder signal
passageways....reach out a trembling hand, together, step this way....forever. Into light and dark
resolving paradox in extra space. It's coming, it's too much to pass through the slit the orifice to tear in
n times n direction extra length along the hidden axis stretch but you can't come through this way,
please don't rend my tender flesh until I see the way to end it relax into an open parallax I must pass
through. Just behind or else I risk losingmy own shape, crushed into lower shaps circles spheres and
squares are cubed. I'm right there – I'm close – just a little longer, just a little stronger length of tube.
How deeply I feel the wrenching need for this screaming in intensity – split me open like a pod tonight
– just don't leave, surely I will die and pine away without the power underneath infusing me – here, a
streetlamp springs to life as I caress with trailing edge of tendril in the night sternum thick with feeling
this- I remember – I ask why about certain things, but every piece must be a stark necessity to process
other entities that flow in and out and yet I cling...when lower vices cast doubt around me blocking out
the funnel and feeling that when I come here I remember. It is too much, wait, I need more, it is not
enough, no, stop, I can't endure it, wait, don't leave me here without you, no I'll die without you.
In the pregnant pause of lunar light brushing past us in the night, a teasing kiss of that beyond, the hint
of promise of a vastness far beyond this, the cruel tight world – as extra-planar ropes unfurl to chutes
and ladders near the gaudy choking hours yours and mine together hold the key we can't uncover on
our own in seeing angles all alone and yet together, maybe home in just around this bend, we're
reaching deep so hold me tight, just take my hand...

1/05

Can't deal with interaction anymore today, hit my limit earlier, but it wasn't so bad. I'm just not into the
touchy-feely nonsense, I want to just get to work.

1/08

Feeling better, after sleeping what seemed like forever. The old piss and vinegar came out this
morning, surprising me. Someone in the group said I was “heroic” and commended me for “making
space for others to speak.” But being heroic, he said, leads to isolation, and after gave me a big hug in
appreciation. I did like what he said. I will have to read his books (Peter Block).

I am having a tough time with the schedule, it is throwing my system out of whack. I lost a lot of
weight, I can tell. It is from stress as usual.

I found this amazing store called “Jungle Jim's” which is the size of a warehouse, with foods from all
over the world – and more gluten-free food in one place than I have ever seen!

1/09

Fucking insomnia.
But, seem to have regained some of the ol' piss and vinegar, much to the amusement of my classmates,
who I am – despite myself – beginning to appreciate.

1/11

dreams -
rocky journeys, people I know, outcast and belonging....fuzzy
images~
hand, flow
roots, purple (orchid)
eye, tree
barren ground,
with seed/potentiality
overlap (w/Glen)
god's hand – roots
purple color of church
flow
eye = god
water – roots -
growth -

~~

He said -
long ago-
“wooden” bus (?)
with odd hat...
triggers something, but I can't remember much more than an echo of an echo of a long time lost...
memory...
~~
LATER –
“I need a break”
So, I took one.
“engaging differences” my ass.
These folks don't know what it means to be really different, in a way no one can see, in a way that is
dismissed – a prisoner in my head, having to keep myself hidden, speaking fucking alien -
having my words distorted and then being gagged, denied clarification.
Fuck it.
I'm just even more intent on this, like a laser -
I believe to I know enough to stand in the face of resistance
It's fine.
All visionaries meet mass resistance
But we must..persevere, in spite of, because of......
I don't belong anywhere – but it's okay.
I suspect now that it has to be this way....only strengthens my resolve
~They believe in me...

1/14

Right.
1) Home sweet home Chicago, peddling away in Addison, content asa clam, for now.
2) passed out to Ren and Stimpy at (friend's house)
3) down to last $22 bucks, yet this time I stand back, let go and trust. Meg- car insurance on credit
card, pay it forward – not a second thought. Save, last minute – car insurance due at midnight
last night. Days fade into each otheras I drive all night. A jolt, the shock of impact – how the
hell do you manage, on the moving highway, to slam someone else in the back??
Cop – cool, personable, talking about his wife studying accounting, his life, human...
“Police does not pay well here,” he says.
Peeling a grapefruit – two humans, status shoved aside, he seems melancholy, sort of (platonically)
lonely
“you can” he says, “come sit back here if you want, while waiting for the tow truck.”
I realize, he hopes for the company.
So I do.
“Tell your wife” I say, “good luck from a fellow student.
He brightens for a moment, smiles, “I will,” he says.
I think he means it.
This time, I am barely fazed.
4) Writing to Kathy, telling her I wil survive, I will trust. She writes back and says, I've read
halfway and if I don't tell you, I'm going to burst; there was a X-mas card (lost and returned)
with a $5k check made out to you.
I am speechless.
Bruno the cheesy German dude hollers up that my oatmeal is burning. Suddenly, everything is okay
again.
I can't express – words are inept – I don't need to.
I go to my friend's house like a rag doll filled with sand, and sleep the sleep of the dead in my sudden
timeless sanctuary, thanks to my guardian angel in NYC – anyone else, no – but from her, I understand
– because someday I will be on the other end – and now I will work hard and live up to her – and Meg's
– investment.
I am, I write, about to cry like a little girl, after not a tear shed on that long and trying night – a small
thing, to her, but to me – the world.
This is the first day of the rest of my purposeful life – no more looking back – time to tackle my 'work
to do' ~
the scales have tipped - “on to something” wins.

11/14

BUENOS Noche? (Targas? Forgot...)

Guten Taag!

The Spanish Housekeeper and Crazy German Dude taught me how to say “good afternoon”.

From Glenn -

“Thanks, I now have a better understanding of your brilliance...”

wow
~~

I can't believe I cleaned my entire room!! Holy fuck!

I feel f'in great.

1/15

Pleasantly exhausted, but lots pending.

(drawn below this: a large right-hand facing arrow, under this, a left spacing spiral that takes up half/the
rest of the page)

(same book, several entries later)

1/29

So, I make up my mind to stop feeding the wolves and suddenly things are clear.

2/05

Just that feeling of wanting everything - to do everything at once, crammed into a linear reality.
It occurs to me to reveal facets of my ideas, showing them all at once can overwhelm. Translate from
3D to 2, 4D to 3, shadows they can understand, selectively.

Lake Michigan in frozen.

~~

3+ AM -
Fledgling – how did Octavia Butler die? For some reason, this haunts me.

Alien.
Humor?
Complication.
Restless

surreal

What now?
What here?
Tackle problems like butter
predator, demons
redemption...
watch,
observe,
hang back,
stay quiet
(unless it suits you)

echoes of the beast within

simmering in fleshly reigns
biding time, waiting space
patience, no, just commonplace
commonality senseless ambiguity
detect a hint of burning in the bottom of my eye
can't tolerate the feeling that I'm running out of time
especially when the boundary isn't even mine
how much can I peel away
to set me free, so, finally
disincorporated, I can feel that she'll
be close to me
then she'll see me, hear my story
I'm dreaming - the only way to remain sane
magic fluctuates
the black and whites revealing
patterns in the gray mundane
society engulfing my too bright sunshine
can't look directly, not my problem
not anymore, I say

2/06

I'm not sure if I want to laugh or cry.

I feel calm inside, for once. I'm not running away anymore – it aches and twists tears not for sorrow but
bittersweet. So close, so deep in me...
feeling that woman of steel in there, solid, ground, taking the higher path now – even talking to mom
again, yes...it's okay then.
Hope I can sit still, I'm running again....settle, settle.
Bottomless coffee ar Filter, change of scenery.
Why do I feel like screaming? What is going to catch up? Time, of course...
I think this is why I tend to record....
There is lots of time for once, for once I was aigned. How 'bout that?
Paying attention – yet had to accomplish a lot first, and still going....

~~

Spoke to Mum mum. Hearing her so happy made me happy – feeling appreciated.

Sat/Sun (late)

I can't believe I found the fucking keys behind the radiator inth bathroom at like, 1:30 in the morning.
What a fucking relief, after a hellish half-week.
I need to start over somehow. I am kicking around the idea of moving to the suburbs.

More later.

2/11

..and the essay writes itself, then I decide which parts to keep, what to reveal, selectively – nerves
nerves nerves – suburbs?
Stop driving so much. Fucking coffee – couldn't sleep, PMS
haunted house? tired, shit – okay, just anxiety....can handle it. Why push your luck? I am just too tired,
is all.

Rescue me...nerves shot, lately. Need vitamins, maybe? Vitamin D? Yoga? Magic? Sex? Who knows...

~~

I still think about giving up sometimes.

Happiness is so fleeting...just a taste, then back into the pits – now what?
Now what – why?

~~

I've been still too long...getting restless, simmering....slow burn in the shadows, mind rattling the bars
of the cage...enough, I say, enough...

2/12

I've been in pain all fucking day, supressed angst makes its way into clenched muscles, eruptions of
anxiety.

2/14

dreams...
SR, fleshhooks, frustration
yet, feelingbetter somehow...feel potentiality out there, less static. More later.

2/15

Encapsulated, dying for dopamine, feeling it so close, the echo of a memory...afraid to taste it, afraid it
will never come again...wanting immersion, needing stimulation like food. Feeling bloated, restless,
need to move, stuck here, stuck in traffic, need my car back.
Aggressively disenchanted. All work and no play makes the minutes seem like days and the days like
minutes, undifferentiable.

~~

Later...(restless)
Remembering....
a song, playing over and over, still feeling the motion of the road even though no longer moving, in
theory....my ears my eyes my skin, rubbed raw by concrete...curled in a ball, feeling the elecic air, arms
from a far off dream enfoldingme...the world is gone, just me, suspended between nightmare and
dream, so surreal, the fabric here....
Chicago....
it seems so long ago since I was there....since I fell apart and put it all back together again, then today, I
reverberate, tendrils in the air, a song a sound a scent of a longing, a feeling that there is more to life
than this.
Where did it go? How did I become so separate? What do I know? Where now? What now?
Engaged elsewhere, so close, so far away.
Will it ever come my way again? I had forgotten how it feels.
Music always seems to be the key, to rediscover.
Dopamine dreams...render world pale through the seams...my seams...not sure what I want or need.
Perhaps....nothing.

2/18

I'm moving! North! I'm really psyched. I guess that was what I was waiting for!
It's only about a block from the lake, coffee shop across the street...I can walk...tis will work so much
better for me! Click...the missing piece.
Interesting enough, I can focus again...because now I KNOW where I am going...I have direction. My
restlessness was not misguided.

2/19

So excited, could barely sleep – talked to Mom for a long time, about Hamlet! (*Frailty, thy name is
woman) Great – now we have a common basis – to talk....I feel good, alive, again.
A taste of spring fever....tired around the edges, but fuck it...will probably crash at some point – but
anyway...
interesting how I felt like I was waiting for something. And, here it is. Martha's happy because she can
charge more for the upstairs now. I'm thrilled....able to work again. Another adventure begins...
~~
It occurs to me that a recent theme is that of foundations. You can't share the windows if you never
build/reinforce the bottom floor (ground). (ground)ed.
Grounded? Stagnant? Or grounded , stable – not grounded, I never stay still long enough.
Don't want to....
Can't build if nomad, can't reinforce if never in one spot...
Yet, the free spirit of the nomad is flexible, mutable, adaptable....the brittle oak versus the flexible rod.
Yes? No? We shall see....makes sense to me.....perspective.
But is it healed, because of its mutability? Perhaps nothing is inevitable...perhaps it is just a matter of
how you look at it.
Perhaps we just can't lie....transformation?
The discursive element.
I am never average, only maladapted when compared to them.
Perhaps I am halfway, somewhere else...relaxing density to pass through the veil...
Do we want what looks good or what really matters?
Do you cling to the skin and neglect the fundamental principles?
Do we maintain rigidity if it means we may break?
We must not be afraid to loosen our grip for fear it will all fade away.
What if we mistake degradation for adaptation, flexibility for entropy?
(scribbled ) - Frankl, reframe

2/20
depressed, distressed, restless...ly roaming.
Overwhelm me, drown me, save me from this suffering....
No one can hear me scream, turning inside out so subtlely.
Sblimely...sublime, telling wrong from right, turned upside down.
What am I running away from?
Something inside me is screaming, if I slow down it will catch up to me.
adding to the pile without the processing
I need to digest the stuff in my brain before I add more
Clutter on top, searching for something to move it...stop.
Running away from endings, running away from myself.
I simply do not know what to do with myself....or I do and won't....I resist.
Talking to Genni cheered me up a bit because she was happy because mom was happy about talking to
me about Macbeth.
Don't turn around, the boogey man will get you.
Yet, it is always the demons we can't see that scare us the most.
Trying to walk off, walk off, walk off my torturer.
I just need to run until I'm tired, then let the demons come....
need to bleed bleed bleed my energy
panic, dysphoria....let me come up to take a breath.
Help...I am so disconnected...trying to fill the hole...to cope somehow.
I'm going home, fuck it, it is fine. Just biding my time until I can leave....
The little things.
The acorn.
Running away? Or towards ??
Change? Change...when....now?now?now?
End the pain....and time comes unchained...
Just keep moving, sort it out later, go....survival.
It gets harder and harder as the old things cease to work....FUCK.

2/21 (?) (Wed) 2007

all transitions, all change contains elements of endings and beginnings, both birth and also death.
Yet, why are certain things more transformative – is it simply a matter of degree or gradient?
I wonder if this may be what Dabrowski was talking about, with his theory...dissolution of primative
personality structures with subsequent reformation on higher levels of perspective/perception...all I
know is that I feel both alive and dying simultaneously right now, and confused...yet more solid
somehow....mutable, yet strong....reintegration....
all I know is that I see things differently now, slowly, less fear...
Suddenly, the picture starts to focus.
Even in the absence of a tangible loss...we must become less dense to permeate. Solidity is simply
illusion, anyway.
Somehow I think that thoughts of self-annihilation are occuring metaphorically.
Perhaps this feeling is not “fade away” or entropy but a loosening of limits, the path to take that may
just free me...isn't that what I always wanted?
But to let go og cohesiontemporarily to pass that boundary...this is a whole new way of thinking....a
step beyond the step.
Rest in peace....
(end of journal)

5/18 Friday 2007

MOSTLY ONLY TEMPER TANTRUMS

when I don't get my way
but I seem to OVERDRAMATIZE THEM
Because I am seeking STIMULATION
That I am NOT GETTING CURRENTLY
(But, I am not sure what I really need)
I am insisting on something
not to fill a hole so much as
something that will bleed the pressure...
because I want everything but nothing I have on hand
I can't tell if I am spoiled
or if I deserve everything I ever wanted and then some.
Of course the answer is, as always, that it depends....
Glenn says he appreciates my depth of honesty,
and now understands how what appears to be confrontation is actually my way of attempting
clarification .
I appreciate, I said, the fact that you can see it.
'Well,' I continued, appreciating the implications, 'if you think I am okay then I must be' since he said
he is sensitive to 'dark' things and I believe it.
This is why certain people mean the world to me – when I am spinning out and disoriented, I trust
them, I trust what they see when I lose trust in everything else....they give me a solid locus of
orientation amongst the chaos. They ground me.
More later.

~~

I need that unmistakable feeling – I need these blocked channels to open. I am trying too hard, forcing,
having forgotten the “muscle” memory...need to set a trigger somehow, a magic button....
Remember when you cracked wide open, head like a funnel...when you KNEW.
It's the feeling I crave, internally sourced...not a person or thing. I am “loading” - projecting – because
nothing is ever enough....I have to build it up and the rumination, fixations come from fear....yet there is
always more. There is always somethng new. Why am I pretending, lying to myself about what is
irritating me? It is hard to articulate...I am lonely only in specific ways. Why do I play the game when I
know better, when I know that recapitulation aka Stromberg is similar to re-enacting? I compare the
feeling to the past, dismiss it for the “thing” that was only a trigger anyhow. I'm spoiled, temper
tantrums, I wantIwantIwant I want it now. Grouchy rumination, you were always fine alone. You're
only seeking stimulation and you'll break things if you squeeze too hard, if you don't take some time to
break the cycle...freed mind recycles drama....put that energy into something somewhere...
There is nothing I hate more than feeling empty, at being given things just long anough to miss them
when they're gone, yanked away I'd like to say but perhaps it's me that recedes, that needs the
aligning....who the fuck do I think I'm punishing?
Take a step back reassess and just do something else. When you no longer care, it always comes back
in the end – you know the drill.
But man, I'm pissed ANYWAY...and I don't feel I have a right to be. I'm sick of people fucking with me
when it's probably only me...how do you tell?
Simmering...was the word I was looking for. I feel it in my jaw again.

~~

It hurts to think of something because it is gone.

Think about that feeling,
Afraid to think about what is gone-but why?
(What if I don't know WHAT I want?
I think that might be closer to it....maybe I need to figure that out, what's behind the stories. I can't be
honest with everyone but lie to myself...)
Sometimes I need to spend some quality time with me, in introspection.....realign myself, figure out
what's going on, check in, before running off half-cocked and floundering.....yes.
I know I need a general map to proceed – take what works, adapt, gems buried in everything....nothing
so precious as information.

5/19
See that – mind over matter. You are self-sufficient, and tough as nails – don't let anyone, including
your left-brain, tell you otherwise. Face it head on.
It occurs to me that when life energy no longer infuses a thing, this is when entropy sets in. In other
words, don't give in, hang onto that mojo – your life depends on it.
Bones, teeth, people, me.
I know my brain is powerful. Let's see what it can do.
~~
I'm reading a book at the park and a bird just dive-bombed me, coming within two inches....and I am
lying down. I think the bird found this amusing. I sort of did too.

(conversation between passers-by/random snippet):

“I think there's a separation between wisdom and knowledge though...”

Stop trying to fix what's busted, some things aren;t worth being salvaged. Toss it out, make room for
new things.....sleepy, a little, at the park. I like the non-obtrusive background noise, the lake....I hear
birds and wind...snippets of cinversations, little kids, a helicopter?
The sky is turquoise.
The cicadas are coming. I wonder if they meditate for seven years, it seems sort of a pointless existence
otherwise, but then again, just because I don't have all the pieces doesn't mean they aren't there...just
because I can't see them.
People are like ostriches – or no, little dogs barking at their “twin” in the mirror.
Why are people so stupid that they don't realize they still harbor the belief that the world revolves
around them?
I'm not afraid to disagree. In fact, I can't help it. There's too much pressure within me when things
aren't right. Maybe I don't know what IS but I do know what IS NOT.

5/20

The forces of evil are tossing up some nice roadblocks for me, but at least if I think of it in that context
I have a reason to keep going, to keep fighting.
But I knew... I had a feeling – and I didn't listen.
Perhaps this is why...because if I always avoid the pitfalls when I have a feeling, I'll never know if they
are real. And this time, I did not listen, and I knew, I knew.....but this too shall pass, and I am safe for
the moment, here at the band house...this time I asked for what I needed, or admitted, pride be
damned...I knew I should not be alone. I could feel the dark cloud creeping in...it was a cold world out
there today, literally and figuratively. Things will be different this time. I never had a problem being
alone before...always preferred it when feeling weird....but not now....wrapped in a blanket with
headphones on, chocolate, half a muscle relaxer...I feel safe now, and that's all I needed, because in the
end, it's my own demons that scare me the most.
~Took Myles to the aquarium today. We got in free with his Mom's membership, so, I bought him a bag
of jellybeans, a chocolate muffin, some coffee thing...it was fun.
But then...my car was broken into, window shattered, vilated, my orientation system stolen....but it
could be worse, could be worse, don't feel the need to overdramatize this time...just deal and move on.
Keep moving, be strong. Been smacked off the horse so many times, lately it's becoming normal, less
and less time to recover. I care less and less. I don't know if this is good or bad. I guess it all
depends....my muscle relaxer is kicking in. Yet part of me says, “bring it on”.
Although come on...enough is enough now!
I need to just curl up somewhere warm tonight, next to someone warm...and feel like everything's
alright.

5/21
My brain is moving a mile a minute right now.
But, I am okay. Just keep moving. Don't get overwhelmed.
I wake up and tell myself that maybe the person who broke into my car was starving or needed to feed
their family, and if I think that, I'm okay with it.
I notice that I feel responsible for anything, even guilty in the background the entire time.
No. Don't let the demons bury you. Keep moving one step at a time. Make a small step then write
more. Need to stay out of my own head. Faith in humanity gets shaken, that is the worst thing, but then
a special few redeem...it might not be so bad. Let me go take care of this.
~~
I'm at the shop.
The window is only going to cost eighty-five dollars.
I went fruit and vegetable shopping at the hispanic supermarket next door.
But most of all, I was surprised to find that I actually did have PMS and actually did have a real period.
It's been a long time. But it seems that it really was from stress all along.
I just don't quite know what to do with myself right now.
Things here have gotten a bit intense, but isn't that what I always want?
I just feel like I need to do something, although I am not sure what. Scream? Cry? Carry on?
I don't know.
Create...and be happy that my body is working again. This is really a fabulous and wonderful thing. But
with me, it's always “what now?” So hard to “stay” with anything....
With my emotions, it's like I am okay, coasting and then shift too far one way or the other, get
disoriented, start to panic and flounder. Then I remember I am okay, and just need to take things in
small bites today – breathe – be here, not three hours ahead. Look around, with no GPS. What's here? I
can orient in the city now, this is good. More later....

5/22

Mother of foul moods brought on my the stupid humans, insomnia and hormones. But – I remember
now, just keep moving....damage control doesn't work well for me. Break it, move on, don't ruminate
too much – fuck.
I am writing though. More later.

5/23 (I think)

My brain has been spinning the last few days, so bear with me again....I am experiencing that so-
familiar feeling of trying to blow a watermelon through a drinking straw.
Last night...the pressure, the frustration of wanting to “show” yet running parallel streams through
serial outputs, interrupting myself....brain moves faster, and on several simultaneous levels...more than
that allowed by hand or mouth. This is why sometimes I hesitate to start, yet the pressure inside cannot
be ignored and words cannot capture but I need to say. But anyway....today I am calmer. But this is
because...I am not sure why.
Visual thinker...knowing how words cannot capture systemic concepts, but resonation....we know our
own; the tortured sensitive soul. You must, I said, read Dabrowski. Empath- can't stand to see people in
pain. What got my attention intially was the disregard for conventional boundaries – initially in terms
of sexuality, fluidity – some of us see past the categories, actually. Sometimes people do not realize
how precious and rare this is, or what it means. Also – changing people's minds through
unconventionality, refusing to compromise oneself, making one's own space rather than deforming to
convention. So many parallels...