Transfixed.

Thats how she feels when she first meets him. The man standing in front
of her is far too good-looking, and its very bad for her mental health. She
manages to smile and introduce herself, proud to note that her voice
doesnt waver and let her flustered state apparent. She almost dies
internally when he smirks, a mischievous look in his eyes, before
thrusting a small glass in her hands and telling her to drink up, and she
obeys without thinking, wincing a little afterwards. Thats when he leans
in to hug her briefly before finally introducing himself. She almost misses
his name her heartbeat is loud in her hears from the recent closeness
but has to stifle a groan when she realises who he is. Of course. She had
to have a crush on her best friends boyfriends best friend. Who also
happens to have a girlfriend, whose birthday is the reason for the party
she finds herself at. She is just that lucky.
***
She sees him again the next day, and hes still as good looking as she
remembers although her memories from the night before are a bit hazy.
She had things she needed to forget. He stays with his girlfriend, barely
paying attention to her, which serves as a good reminder that he is not
available and that she needs to stop drooling soon. Luckily, they are in
opposite teams on the game, so she doesnt have to spend too much time
with him she might have ruined their team score single-handedly if they
had been. A few hours later, when everyones done and getting a drink,
she finds herself alone with him and a couple of his friends, whom she
met the night before, and manages to hold a decent conversation. Nice
and normal. Its not that hard. She can do this.
***
She cant do this.
She sees him again six months later, when she gets back from her
semester abroad. Shed managed to get him out of her mind when she
was away, but hes there when she gets to her friends flat, and seeing
him first thing is a little overwhelming. She knows that people are
starting to notice in fact, her best friend had asked her the first night
she met him if she thought he was cute, and although she had vehemently
denied it, she doubted she was convincing enough and does her best to
appear normal and friendly. She can still feel how awkward she must be,
however, and almost sighs in relief when he leaves, a few minutes later
and if she felt the pang of disappointment at the same time, well no one
has to know.
***
Shes turning in bedsheets a few nights later, facing the wall where the
streetlight coming from the window reflects. As boyfriend isnt home yet,
but shes not thinking about him; its his friend whos still on her mind.
She is aware that shes being ridiculous especially considering that he
doesnt seem to like her much, but shes been so awkward around him
she cant really blame him but her brain just wont shut up and shes
stuck. The front door opens, startling her from her thought, and she
waves at C. He raises an eyebrow questioningly, and she makes a sign for
him to sit on the end of the couch while she grabs her glasses on the
table.
Are you alright? he asks in a curious tone.
Yeah, fine. Couldnt sleep. she answers in a low voice.
Want to talk about it?
Its kind of ridiculous, really, basic insecurities and feelings of
inadequacy. Dont worry, go sleep if you want to.
Its okay, Im not that tired yet. Still buzzed from the party. Go on, tell
me.
She starts speaking, slowly lettings things out that have been gnawing at
her for a long time. He nods, occasionally interjects with a comment, and
before she can realise it, shes started to talk about him, and she really
needs to shut up, but she also wants to keep talking about him a little
yes, shes aware shes pathetic, thank you very much. She smiles when
her friend starts to tell her about his awkwardness and their teenage
years. Strangely, knowing she wasnt the only weird, awkward kid back
then is comforting, even if she finds it hard to believe he wasnt always
the cool, detached guy she now knows. She tells C exactly that, laughing
slightly when he reminds her she is quite cool too when she lets herself
be, and that even he thinks that. She cant help but point out that he
doesnt like her, but C refutes that, assuring her that he does and that
hes just aloof with strangers. They finish the conversation shortly after,
the clock displaying a very late time, and she cant help the small smile
that blooms on her lips before she falls asleep.
***
Her friends organise a small party a few weeks later, and shes feeling
unusually excited: he should be here tonight, and shes curious to see him
for the first time after her conversation with her friend. She puts a little
extra care in the way she dresses, showing up fashionably late at the flat,
and spends the night chatting with the guests and keeping a discrete eye
on the door.
He doesnt come.
Around eleven thirty, he sends a text to say he wont make it, and she
doesnt let see anything of the disappointment she feels inside the
disappointment she knows she is not allowed to feel, not beyond that of a
distant friend. Because thats what they are. And it can be enough.
***
He comes to the next party, a month or so later, already drinking a beer
when she arrives more than fashionably late. C takes her coat and
makes a show of whooing when he sees her dress, and getting his
attention. He smiles at her and gets up from where he was sitting, coming
closer to hug her in greetings and engaging in small talk. She pours
herself a drink at the table while chatting with him, but her attention is
caught by A, who wants to introduce her to everyone else. She excuses
herself with a smile, and says hello to the rest of the guests while he gets
back to his friends.
She finds him later in the night, talking animatedly on the balcony to a
small group, and he teases her lightly, his ever-present smirk etched on
his face. She responds in kind, amused, and barely notices when everyone
gets back inside save for him and one of his friends. They continue joking,
and she feels her cheeks flush when he crowds in on her to try and
impress her, thankful for the dim lights from the street lamp. Deep
breaths, she thinks when he walks back inside. Its a sweet kind of
torture, but torture nonetheless.