Quickly Gaining Rapport: Asking Questions
Questions are your most powerful tool in gaining rapport. Questions give you control of the
conversation and help steer the direction of the conversation. As a presenter, questions can help you
improve your presentation. As a boss, they can let you know when you may not be fully engaged
with your team members. As one of the team members, questions can ensure everyone has the
same understanding. As a coach, they can help uncover hidden meanings and underlying reasons. As
a mentor, they can help your mentee figure out options and alternatives for themselves.
Questions can also help you clarify your understanding before you put your foot in your mouth.
Remember, messages have two parts: actual content and implied communication. The actual
content is the what it is the words that you use. For example, What do you mean? The implied
communication in a message is body language, tone of voice, underlying feelings. Using the same
example, What do you mean? said in an angry tone could indicate defensiveness. Said in a softer
tone could indicate compassion and empathy. Think of how you try to communicate with someone
who does not speak English. For yes, you may smile and nod up and down. What would your
listener hear if you said yes with a scowl while nodding side to side?
If the person is upset, angry, depressed, bothered or exhibiting any other negative emotions, it may
be necessary to cycle through these questions twice: once for the root cause of the problem to clear
up the non-verbal expressed feelings, and the other to handle the symptoms and resolve the
situation or the challenge. As long as there are negative feelings on either side, the focus will be, and
needs to be, on mitigating those feelings until the real issues, the real problems, can be addressed
and resolved to everyones satisfaction.
Once you have asked a question, it is important to be quiet and wait for the response. This pause is
just as important as the question itself. Silence indicates you respect your listeners and are truly
interested in what they have to say. This silence can possibly be uncomfortable for both of you.
Getting past this uncomfortable pause with implied communication gestures on your part (e.g.,
smiling, direct eye contact, expressing interest through facial expressions) can make or break the rest
of your conversation.
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Lets explore the different types of questions and when they can be used:
1. Probing. Probing questions are best used when you need additional information, need to dig
deeper [items a, b below] or explore additional options or ideas [items a, b, c], work through
issues [a, b, c] and/or to just keep the other person(s) talking [b, c]. Situations to keep the other
persons talking are when they have told you something that takes you completely by surprise,
when you are caught off guard, or when you are not sure what to say. For instance, you thought
you handled a situation well, only to be told you did not. Your first question is probably
What??? Your initial thoughts and emotions could be defensiveness or anger. Asking a series
of follow-up questions [What specifically did not go well? I dont understand, can you explain?],
along with the ones below, will help you regain your emotional footing and handle the situation
professionally and with a high degree of EQ. Any time you think What can I say to that
statement?! means its time to ask questions.
a. How do you feel about this? If you were me how would you explain? How would
others feel about this?
b. How so? Go on . Tell me more ..
c. Repeat one key word that was said a word said with emotion, or said several times.
Simply saying the word, nodding your head and remaining interested will allow the
other person to continue talking.
2. Paraphrasing. Ask for a check on your ability to communicate and show complete understanding.
You can paraphrase the thinking portion of what is said and also the feeling portion, seeing
the world from the others point of view. Different factors will influence which, or both, you will
need to use.
a. Mirrored thinking: Restate in your own words what you think is said. Encourages the
other person to add more detail and/or continue talking. Example: If I understand
you correctly or So what Im hearing is
b. Reflecting feelings: Communicate back to the other person the feeling part of the
message. Example: It seems like you felt
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c. Clarifying: Resolve any misunderstandings or incorrect perceptions; i.e.:
i.
Direct questions dealing with specific information you have been given or you
have given: listen, understanding
ii.
Example: Are you saying . ? or What did you mean by .?
3. Summarizing. Recap major points and accomplishments:
a. Synthesizing: putting common points together
b. Example: Can you tell me what you are going to do so I can be sure Ive explained
myself clearly?
c. Closing example: So if I do .., that will be beneficial for everyone.
Lets take the previously mentioned example where you thought you handled a situation well, only to
be told you did not.
You: What specifically did not go well?
Other person responds
You paraphrasing: So it sounds like it appeared and when I did that, they felt .
Other person responds
You summarizing: If I had done .., that would have made them feel .., right?
Remember, in asking questions, you can get to the source of a dilemma by asking Why? You can
brainstorm ways to resolve it by asking How?
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