Shutdown

an Anita Blake Story

by Laurell K. Hamilton
Shutdown is a work of fction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the
products of the authors imagination or are used fctitiously. Any resemblance to
actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Copyright 2013 by Laurell K. Hamilton
All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or part in any
form. For information, address Writers House LLC at 21 West 26th Street, New
York, NY 10010.
[Link]
Laurell K. Hamilton Shutdown | 1
Acknowledgements
To my husband, Jonathon, who helped me do emergency editing so we could get
this out to all of you. To Jess, for title suggestions and helping fip the cover - Al-
exander was a wussie! Missy for helping with the continuity so that this short sto-
ry ft in with the overall novel arc. My agent, Merrilee Heitfetz, who jumped into
this idea with all the cautious enthusiasm I rely on her for, and her assistant Sar-
ah, who is beginning to learn how fast we can move when nothing is in our way.
And, for all of you impacted fnancially by the government shutdown, this ones
for you. I cant make our leaders behave themselves, but I can give you a brand
new Anita Blake short story for free, while you wait for your paycheck to start
coming again. Think of this story as my attempt to hug you all!
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Have you ever had to have lunch with your lovers fanc? It was a frst for me, too. There
were four of us at lunch, but only one of us was new to half the table. Dr. Ellen Radborne
was about my height, 5' 3" with thick shoulder length brunette hair that I might have
thought was black, but my hair was black, so I knew hers was really just dark brown. Her
eyes were brown, like mine, though again mine were a little darker. She had a pale sum-
mer tan, to my nearly white skin, but then my skin never tanned, it just burned, and then
went back to being pale. She was curvy, maybe not as curvy through the chest as me, but
no man who liked breasts would complain that she lacked. She was in shape, though not
as ft as I, but then I doubt she needed to hit the weights and cardio as hard for her job as
I did for mine.
Wed chatted through ordering food, eating food, and fnally ordered coffee and
tea, and still they hadnt brought up anything serious, or anything to do with the reason
for this meeting. I hadnt had to endure this much small talk in years. Wed learned a lot
about each other, but unless we were looking to date, I didnt see the point.
She taught college level biology, and continued to do research feld work in the
summers. She reminded me of the last two serious girlfriends hes had. He certainly had
a type, as if only the names changed for his short, dark haired women. Hed sleep with
a variety, but for serious dating it was always women like us. She liked camping, bird
watching, hiking, caving, climbing, and all sorts of outdoor stuff. I had, at one time, en-
joyed all of that, but my job as a U. S. Marshal for the preternatural branch didnt leave
me much room for hobbies.
My gym time was more serious, because my life could depend on how fast I could
run, how hard I could hit, and just how tough I could be. Dr. Radborne probably didnt
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have to worry about any of that. It meant I could have out arm wrestled her, but she prob-
ably had a more reasonable work schedule.
We sat across from each other smiling, but her eyes were a little uncertain, and I
was trying very hard not to make my eyes look empty. Most women took eyes that were
too neutral as unfriendly. Men understood that sometimes you didnt want to smile, but
you werent mad either, while women expect other women to be pleasant, and if youre
not they think you dont like them. There are so many reasons that most of my friends
are men.
The only saving grace to this Saturday lunch fasco was that we werent alone,
though in some ways that also made it more awkward. I was still happy to have a hand
to hold on my side of the table while she hung on the arm of her fanc across the table
from us.
The us was Micah Callahan, who was the same height as the good doctor and me.
He was the only man Id ever dated who matched my height. Micah was wearing a forest
green t-shirt that was actually made of silk, which always seemed wrong for a t-shirt, but
since it also made it petably soft and looked fabulous on him I didnt complain. It made
the rim of green around his irises more vibrant, and the circle of yellow on the outside of
them more gold, so that his eyes were even more beautiful set in the delicate triangle of
his dark skinned face. He still had his summer tan that he got every year from jogging in
nothing but shorts, so he was dark and his eyes were jewel-like in the almost feminine
beauty of his face. The shirt also ft every curve of his upper body, showing just how much
muscle was under there. He had broad shoulders for his size, and a nice chest that went
down to a waist so slender we could share some of our jeans, but in too many clothes he
just looked delicate, because he fought for every ounce of muscle he got in the gym, or on
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the track, which was not true for the man sitting beside Dr. Ellen Radborne.
Richard Zeeman was 6' 1" and had always muscled easily, and it showed in his
broad shoulders, impressive chest, and the swell of his arms against his own cotton
t-shirt, which was also forest green. It hadnt occurred to me to coordinate what the boys
were wearing. Dr. Ellen had asked Richard to ask what I was wearing, so that Id had to
think about it ahead of time more than I normally would for a Saturday. Id told her jeans
and a t-shirt with boots, because it was fall. I was wearing skinny black jeans tucked into
some really nice boots, and a silk t-shirt that matched Micahs except for color -- mine
was red, which matched my lipstick, and brought out the fame pattern in my boots. The
boots were fun, and I fgured Id need some fun for the lunch. Id been right, but Ellen
had worn more ordinary blue jeans tucked into dressy brown cowboy boots, and a button
up dress shirt in a blue that complimented the jeans more than her skin tone, or at least,
that was my opinion, which I kept to myself. But it was unfortunate that the men were
wearing nearly identical t-shirts, and that they both had their summer tans and looked
fabulous in them. Micah looked better in his, but it was the eyes. Richards eyes were a
deep, even, milk chocolate brown, lovely eyes, but they couldnt compete with Micahs
leopard eyes. They were both wearing jeans, Micah in black, Richard in blue, so again we
each coordinated with our other half. Micah was wearing black cordovan leather design-
er shoes so that with my three inch heels I was actually taller than he was, but he never
cared, he was secure in all sorts of ways. Richard was wearing brown hiking boots, which
was one of his favorite types of shoes on the weekends.
Richards hair fell in foaming waves of brown with golden highlights, and in strong
enough sunlight I knew that there were threads of coppery red in it, so that saying he had
brown hair never did it justice. Micahs hair was curly, not wavy, and he normally wore it
back in a pony tail, or a braid of some kind, but since this lunch was supposed to help Dr.
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Ellen understand that I had other yummy men in my life so I didnt need to steal Richard
from her, Micah had left the hair unbound around his shoulders so that it trailed deep
brown chestnut curls to mid-back. My hair was the same length, and I realized, weirdly,
that both Richards and Dr. Ellens hair was just past their shoulders. They say that after
awhile couples begin to look alike.
She gave Richards arm a little extra squeeze where her arm was snaked through
his, and then sat up more evenly in her own chair. Well, this is more awkward than I
thought it would be, she said.
Its about as awkward as I thought it would be, I said.
Micah squeezed my hand under the table, a silent bid for me to play nice. I smiled
harder, and did my best to push it up into my eyes.
Im sorry, I did force this on all of us, she said, and she looked genuinely uncom-
fortable.
I sighed. Im sorry, Ellen, I just meant that Miss Manners doesnt cover this, and
I dont know what to say either.
She smiled a little uncertainly at me, but nodded, and took Richards hand across
the white table cloth. Do you understand why I wanted to meet?
I shrugged, because I couldnt think of anything good to say. Richards agenda for
the lunch meeting had been to reassure his recent fanc that I had other men in my life,
so I wouldnt be trying to steal him back and keep him all to myself. Why did I feel we
owed Richard this lunch? He wasnt an ex-lover, but a current lover, and Ellen knew that,
so socially awkward didnt even begin to cover todays little event.
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I tried to take a sip of the coffee in front of me, but the smell alone made me put
it back down. Weird, but it just smelled bitter. Micah hadnt touched his either; maybe
it wasnt just me. Richard and Ellen had both ordered different kinds of hot tea, though
they werent drinking either. I think wed all ordered simply to have an excuse to stay at
the table longer without the waiter bitching.
Micah said, You wanted some reassurance.
Yes, she said, smiling at him and looking relieved, then her glance went back to
me, though Im not sure Im going to end up reassured.
I knew with that small eye fick that I looked too good, had dressed too well, and
she had done that girl thing where you compare yourself to the ex, and she didnt feel like
she was winning. This was so not my problem; I hadnt asked for the lunch, Id told her
what I was wearing. It wasnt like Id shown up in a designer outft after telling her I was
wearing jeans. It wasnt my fault that I dressed my jeans up more than she did.
I looked at Richard across the table, and hoped he could read my expression, be-
cause I was fghting not to get angry. Micah started rubbing his thumb over the back of
my hand where he held it on my thigh. He leaned in and laid a gentle kiss on my cheek. It
made me let out the breath Id been holding and try to ease the tension in my shoulders.
Richard hugged Ellen to him. Ellen, honey, you can see that Anita and Micah are
a couple. What more do you want to be reassured?
Honestly? she asked.
That would be nice, I said.
Micah whispered, Easy.
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Ellen gave me a not entirely friendly look and said, For you not to sit there look-
ing fabulously beautiful and making me feel like an ugly duckling to your swan.
I dont know what to say to that, I said, and looked frst at Micah and then at
Richard for a clue, a hint, something.
Richard turned that handsome face to her, and said, Youre beautiful, Ellen, you
know that.
She shook her head. Im pretty, but Im not . . . she waved vaguely in my direc-
tion, . . . this.
I sighed and looked at Micah for some help. He spoke out loud what I was think-
ing, She wont believe you.
What wont I believe? Ellen asked.
Go ahead, he said, and moved his hand to my thigh, which was sometimes more
calming for both of us than hand holding. He kept his other arm across my shoulders.
Im not prettier than you are, I said.
She gave me a look of utter scorn. From one woman to another, dont bullshit
me.
Ellen, shes not lying, Richard said.
How can you say that? she demanded, and moved away from his hand.
How honest do you want me to be? I asked.
I dont know, Micah said.
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Not brutal, Richard said.
Honest, she said.
With the right makeup and a blue that had more jewel tones youd look every bit
as good as I do.
Oh, thanks, are you going to offer to take me shopping next to give me makeup
lessons? Her voice was thick with scorn.
God no, but the friends who gave me lessons taught me not to be afraid of color
and bright red lipstick, because it looked good on me and on them. You dress like I did
a couple of years ago, more subdued, but your coloring is close enough to mine that you
need more color, thats all.
A different shirt and lipstick isnt going to make me exotic like you.
I blinked at her. Im not exotic.
False modesty is just irritating to the rest of us, Anita. You say youre not exotic
and not beautiful, and if you believe that than I have to be ugly in comparison.
Anita has trouble seeing herself as beautiful, Micah said.
No, I dont owe her that story, I said.
Ellen looked at Micah, and then at me. I glared at her. I was about to be done being
friendly.
How do we make the point without it? Micah asked, and that was him all over,
he had his eye on the goal, which was to make her feel reassured. He was more goal-ori-
ented even than I was, but for him and for the fact that our little social group was actually
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working better than it ever had, Id try. God help me, but Id try.
When I frst started dating Richard I thought he was too handsome to like me. He
was the kind of guy that made me feel awkward in high school, and that I just assumed
would never look at me twice.
She looked at Richard and smiled, it was a good smile. He is amazing.
Yes, he is, and it made me uncomfortable at frst that he paid so much attention
to me.
Why? she asked.
Hes too handsome, I said.
You can never be too handsome, she said smiling up at him. He smiled back. We
were making progress.
Richard was the beginning of me understanding that I was attractive, because if
beautiful men kept wanting to date me logic dictated that I had to be attractive enough
to make them want to date me. I sighed, even to me that sounded convoluted like I was
torturing the logic rather than making a point.
Every woman knows how attractive she is, its ingrained into us as little girls.
Not if one of the people raising you tells you that youre not pretty as a little girl,
and not if your father remarries someone that spends your childhood telling people, No,
shes not mine, from his frst marriage. Her mother was Mexican. I did my best imita-
tion of my stepmother, Judith.
Your stepmother said that? Ellen asked.
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Constantly.
Didnt your father stop her?
She never said it in front of him. It was actually my stepsister, Andria, who told
my father when we were twelve. She and I didnt get along that much, but apparently she
was embarrassed that her mother was so . . . whatever, but it left me feeling too short, too
dark, too not tall, blond and Nordic like everyone else in the family.
Didnt you see your mother part of the time?
She died when I was eight, and when I was younger I looked like shed cloned
herself except for fathers skin tone. Cant tan worth a damn. Maybe thats why my step-
mother was so hateful, because I was a constant reminder of my fathers frst love. Hell,
I dont know. One of the things you learn in therapy is that you can work on your own
issues, and on healing the damage that was done to you, but you cant fathom why the
people that hurt you did what they did. Thats on their head, in their heart.
Ellen looked at me. What an awful thing to do to a child. Im so sorry.
I didnt tell you for sympathy, I told you to try and explain that I have trouble
seeing myself. Micah is beautiful and he loves me, Richard did love me and hes gorgeous,
and I have other men in my life who are just as amazing, so, like I said, logic dictates that
if beautiful people keep wanting to date me, then I cant be ugly.
But you still dont feel beautiful, she said softly.
Sometimes, I said.
She nodded. So you mean it, that you think were both pretty, because you dont
believe youre beautiful?
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Something like that.
She took in some air, let it out slow, and said, Im sorry that I got upset and made
you feel like you had to share that story.
I shrugged, because, me too.
Richard said, Thank you. He looked way too sympathetic. I didnt want sympa-
thy from him right now.
Micah kissed me, gently so he wouldnt be wearing too much of my red lipstick. It
made me smile to see the line of red on his lips.
The go-faster-stripe, he said, softly.
The what? Ellen asked.
The go-faster-stripe, I said, its what Nathaniel named the line of lipstick when
I kiss them.
Nathaniel is your other . . . she seemed lost for words.
Boyfriend works, I said. I didnt add that it was the phrase I used for vanilla
friends who didnt understand our alternative lifestyle and didnt really want to.
So, Micah is your . . .? again she paused for help with the right word.
Its okay, Ellen, Micah said, vocabulary for polyamory is hard, even for us.
I know that polyamory means loving more people, but beyond that I dont really
understand it, she said.
If Im at a social event where we dont know most of the people, then I introduce
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Micah and Nathaniel as my boyfriends, anything else just seems to confuse people. If
were someplace where they understand what poly is, or at least its not straight vanilla,
then Micah is my signifcant other, and Nathaniel is our Third.
What does third mean?
It usually means your live-in third partner, Micah said.
How do you introduce Nathaniel and Anita? She asked Micah.
My girlfriend and our boyfriend, or Signifcant other and our Third, depending
on the event.
Then how would you introduce Richard? she asked.
Micah and I looked at each other. He gave me a long look, letting me know this
was my ball to hit. Great. Micah has no relationship with Richard, really. Richard is
never going to take me to a vanilla social event as his girlfriend, so thats not an issue. At
a more poly- or kink-friendly event, if we felt compelled to say anything, I guess, Id say
hes my Top.
Ellen turned to Richard. How would you introduce Anita?
As my bottom, or submissive.
I shook my head. Im not your submissive, Ill agree to the term bottom, but Im
not submissive to anyone.
Richard fought not to frown and almost succeeded. I could argue that you are to
other people, but fne.
Ellen was watching us closely. Okay, why did you say one thing and Anita the
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other? Whats the difference between bottom and submissive?
To me, I said, trying not to frown at Richard, bottom is someone who just sub-
mits, or wants to be dominated, in the bedroom, or dungeon, but outside of that they are
dominant and in control.
Thats not a complete answer, Anita. Some people who are very dominant in ev-
ery other part of their life are submissive in the dungeon and bedroom, and are still okay
with the term, and say they have a dominant.
Im not, because I may like to be physically dominated, but no one dominates
me by will, or force of personality. To me a submissive is more than just physically dom-
inated, its about giving up your will to someone else and letting them control you more
completely, I said.
I think what you let Asher do with you is submissive, Richard said.
I disagree and since Im the one getting tied up, its my call.
I dont understand how either of you can let a vampire touch you, but Asher is
submissive to Richard, so how can he also be dominant, or top, to Anita? If the two of you
cant even agree then how am I ever going to understand this? Ellen asked.
I didnt know what to say to her remark about vampires, so I let it go.
It is confusing, Micah said, with a smile and an attempt to ease her discomfort.
He was ignoring the vampire remark, too. Wed take the maze one twist at a time, I guess.
I was uncomfortable, too, but if it was make this work or give up Richard as
a part of our social group Id muscle through it. Richard had worked his therapy hard
to come to a place where he could admit what made him happy, all of what made him
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happy, and try to fnd a way to incorporate all of it into his life. Hed found the woman
he wanted to have the white picket fence marriage with, but he wanted to keep the black
metal spike gate, too. I wasnt sure you could have a white picket fence with a Gothic gate,
but hey, it wasnt my life. I was only a small part of Richards life, as he was a small part
of mine now.
And I am totally lost that Richard says that Asher is his submissive, but hes also
Anitas top, and Richard is her top, too. Richard says that Asher is his submissive, but
Anita is only a bottom. How can you have more than one of each?
May I? Micah asked.
Richard and I both said, Yes.
Micah smiled at Ellen. First, Asher and Anita are both switches, which means
they switch between top and bottom, but its more complicated than that, Im afraid.
Asher gives up almost all control to Richard in the dungeon/bedroom. He wants to be
dominated in every way. Anita just wants Richard to dominate her physically with his
superior strength, so she thinks of it as just bottoming.
But Richard says that she lets Asher do a great deal more than just use his strength.
Asher . . . well, he . . . she seemed acutely embarrassed.
He ties me up and does nefarious things to me, I said.
Ellen nodded. Yes, that. She actually blushed.
Since I used to blush at the drop of a hat, I sympathized. I maintain that it isnt
what a person enjoys in the bedroom, or dungeon, that makes them submissive, but the
mindset that goes with it.
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You go as far into sub mindset as Asher does sometimes, Richard said.
Whats sub mindset? she asked.
I suddenly despaired of ever explaining this enough to her. It was like explaining
color to the blind: they accept that there is such a thing as color, but they have no basis
for understanding it as a reality. Either you enjoyed being tied up, or you didnt, and if
you didnt you were just never going to understand it.
Micah stroked my thigh with his free hand as if hed felt some of my frustration.
I dont honestly understand that personally, myself, he said, but Ive seen Anita do it.
Her eyes, face, body language changes. Its as if some tension leaves her that she holds
onto in every other part of her life, except in the bedroom, or the dungeon.
Richard told me its not a real dungeon.
We actually did have access to a real dungeon at the Circus of the Damned, but I
couldnt make myself use it for fun. Id seen friends chained in the place for real torture
when evil vampires had been in charge of things. I knew that Richard had taken Asher to
it for fun and games, but at my request Nathaniel would not go with Asher to play without
me. I still had nightmares about a friend dying chained to one of the walls, and Nathaniel
in there for anything was just too close to that memory.
Micah smiled, softly. Its just a term for the bondage side of things that go beyond
just rough sex. Wed all agreed not to cloud the issue with mentioning we did have a real
dungeon.
She winced, I think at the term rough sex. Again, it wasnt a good sign. How va-
nilla was Dr. Ellen Radborne? The thought of Richard married to someone who thought
just saying the phrase rough sex was embarrassing, or bad in some way, made me sad
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for him. I knew that Richard was capable of enjoying gentler lovemaking, but he was so
well-endowed that there was an element of roughness in most of his sex. How could you
enjoy sex with him if you didnt like it a little rough? Or maybe, how would Richard be
able to enjoy it if she didnt like a little rough? It just seemed sad. Why was he doing this
to himself?
Some of what I was thinking must have shown because Richard looked at me. I
stared into that handsome face with those high, perfect cheekbones, and male model
face, and thought, he should have been able to have almost anyone he wanted, why Ellen?
Ellen is willing to try and let me keep you, Asher, and Jean-Claude in my life,
Anita. Thats a lot.
I nodded. Yes, yes it is. I sounded tired even to me as I said it.
Micah hugged me, placing his face next to mine. I cuddled into the warmth of the
skin on skin contact; sometimes even touching through clothes wasnt enough. My hands
found his and one hand slid up his arm until we were half-hugging.
Richard explained that excessive touching in public is a sign of stress, or need for
reassurance between lycanthropes. What happened just now to stress you, Anita?
I opened my eyes where I was cuddled in against the warmth and pulse of Micahs
neck. I looked at her, and it might not have been an entirely friendly look, because her
eyes widened just a bit. I switched the look higher to Richard, and said, What do you
want me to say, Richard?
Ellen, honey, he said, her hand in his, thats not excessive public display of af-
fection for Anita and Micah.
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Ellen turned and looked up at him, eyes wide. Youre teasing me.
Richard shook his head and looked down at her at the same time, so that his hair
fell forward and hid most of his face from me.
Ellen stared up at him for a few seconds and then turned back to us with an almost
horrifed look on her face. I had no idea what wed done to earn that look.
Micah sat up a little straighter, doing more of a standard arm across the shoulders
half-hug with the other hand just holding mine on the table top. I sat up straighter, too,
though part of me wanted to do something even more up close and personal just so Ellen
would have a real reason for looking shocked, but I wasnt a child, and this was Richards
problem, not mine. As one of our newer vampires, who was originally Polish, would say,
Nie Moj Cyrk, Nie Moje Malpy - Not my circus, not my monkeys.
Of course, the fact that he was still my lover, and still with Jean-Claude, and Ash-
er, meant that in a way he was still a part of our circus and he, at least was still our
monkey, but Ellen wasnt. Unfortunately, one thing Id learned about being poly is that
just because youre not having sex with someone doesnt mean they cant screw it all up;
everyones lover can affect the emotional side of things and Ellen had all the ear marks of
being a pain in everyones emotional poly ass.
I decided to go for truth. I didnt know what else to do; besides our lives were
working and that was too important to fuck with by not being honest.
What did we do just now that bothered you, Ellen? I asked.
Micah hugged me a little harder, as if in warning.
I glanced at him. We cant avoid upsetting her if we dont know what upset her in
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the frst place. I looked at Ellen, and tried to look helpful, questioning, waiting.
She glanced at Richard.
Anita has a point, if we dont know what makes you anxious we cant avoid it.
She looked from one to the other of us. I . . . I . . . it was just so . . . intimate. Hold-
ing hands, kissing, hugging, sitting close, and rubbing your faces against each others
necks and faces. The way your hand keeps disappearing underneath the table and I can
see your hand moving, Anita.
Im petting his thigh, Ellen, thats all. My hand may be close to his groin, but I
would never do that sitting in public and especially not in a situation where Im trying
to help convince you that this is all somehow normal and okay. That would be rude and
stupid. Im trying not to be the frst, and Im not the second if I can avoid it.
She blushed. Im sorry . . . Im so sorry. She stood up.
Richard caught her hand. Ellen, please.
No, Richard, shes deliberately trying to make me feel stupid and rude, and just .
. . I cant do this.
For the love of God, Ellen, if you dont tell us what upset you we cant fx it, I said.
She shook her head. I thought I could do this, Richard, I really did. I thought
meeting Anita and seeing her with someone else she loved would make me feel more
secure about it all, but it doesnt. It just doesnt help at all.
Ellen, please sit back down and talk to us, Richard said. He still had her hand in
his.
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She pulled on his hand for a moment and then, as she stared down at him, her face
softened. Looking at how yummy he was always made it hard for me to be mad at him,
too, or had once. Being in love with someone gives them a lot of extra clout. She fnally let
him ease her back into her chair.
She looked at us; her eyes were shiny with unshed tears, but her voice was calm
when it came. I thought I could do this, but I dont think I can. I love you, and you are
everything I want, all I want, Richard. I was willing to believe that you needed rougher
things in the bedroom than I was comfortable with, so I thought I could accept you need-
ed someone for that and for bondage, but now I see her and you have to stop lying to me,
Richard. Its not needing to be rough, or needing bondage, its just her. You want to keep
her in your bed, and thats that. The frst hard tear started down her cheek.
Micah hugged me tighter, and said, Trust me, Ellen, it is rough sex that they do
together. Rougher than anything I enjoy. I accept that Anita needs some things in the
bedroom that I just do not want to do.
She stared at him and again there was that soft horror on her face. Youve watched
. . .
No, he said, very frmly, but Ive seen the marks on her body afterwards. Anita
and Richard are not a couple in the way that you and Richard are, Ellen. He loves you, is
in love with you, just like Im in love with Anita.
Marks, Ellen said softly, what kind of marks?
Micah looked at Richard. I dont think thats my question to answer.
Richard hugged her close and said, Bruises sometimes.
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She looked stricken. You beat her?
No, he and I said together.
I would never let anyone beat me, Ellen, I said.
Then I dont understand, she said looking from one to the other of us.
I looked at Richard, because I got bruised from struggling pitting my strength
against his. I didnt fght as hard as I could, and neither did he. We didnt want to really
hurt each other, but we liked seeing how far we could push it sometimes in our little rape
fantasies. But there was no way I was saying the phrase, rape fantasy, to Ellen. That
either came from Richard, or no one; besides, honestly, it still embarrassed me a little. It
seemed so anti-feminist to enjoy being overpowered in the bedroom, but under the right
circumstances, with the right people I loved it. I was tired of pretending about the things
that made me happy in my life; Id decided Id rather just be happy.
I would never allow Richard to abuse me, or any man for that matter, she said.
I am not an abuse victim, Ellen. Im not a victim at all. I own my sexuality in every
sense, and I top some of the men in my life. Its not just me on the receiving end of the
rough.
You abuse some of the men?
Its not abuse. I was getting pissed and trying not to be.
You hurt each other. How is that not abuse? she asked.
This is my sexuality; its what makes me happy. You saying that its abuse is in-
sulting; it would be like me saying that your idea of sex is boring.
Laurell K. Hamilton Shutdown | 21
How do you know what kind of sex I enjoy? She looked at Richard.
I didnt say anything about our sex life to anyone, he said.
Im assuming some things from your reaction, Ellen, thats all. I hope Im wrong
for your sake and Richards.
Wrong about what? she asked.
Your idea of sex.
She squirmed in her seat, and wouldnt meet anyones eyes. Its none of your
business.
That was it for me. You sit there and demand that we tell you intimate things
about our sex life, our relationships, but you share nothing. You get all embarrassed, why
cant we be embarrassed, too?
She looked startled. I just thought . . .
Thought what, that because we like kinky sex we cant be embarrassed?
She glanced at Richard, then back at me. I guess I assumed that if you were this
open it didnt bother you to talk about it.
It doesnt bother me to talk to my sweeties, but to someone who Ive just met and
who is judging every word I say, yeah, it bothers me.
Im not judging you, she said.
Arent you?
Micah hugged me a little harder. Its okay, he said.
Laurell K. Hamilton Shutdown | 22
No, I said, its not. I looked at Richard. We had a moment of looking deep into
each others brown eyes, but it wasnt a love look, it was a soul-searching one. The look
you give someone that you know well, or did at one time, as youre wondering what the
hell theyre doing to their lives. Richard had fnally worked through his issues so it was
nice to have him in our lives again, and part of me wondered if Ellen was his new way of
denying himself. It was a nice way of setting himself up to withdraw from the bondage
and the rough sex without admitting that he was conficted. He wouldnt be conficted,
hed be giving it all up so he could be married and have that white picket fence dream.
Was it possible to lie to yourself so well that you didnt realize you were doing it? Hell,
yes. Id done it myself for years.
There, she said, that look, how can I not feel threatened when the two of you
have such a strong connection?
We werent looking lovingly into each others eyes, trust me on that, I said and
cuddled in against Micah. I just wanted to leave. I was so done with this conversation.
Then what did that look mean?
I shook my head.
Richard answered, Anita is wondering why I want someone who is so uncomfort-
able with so much of my life, right?
Yes, I said and looked at them both.
Its just sex, not his whole life, she said.
I gave Richard very direct eye contact, and raised an eyebrow at him.
What? she asked, What is that look youre giving each other?
Laurell K. Hamilton Shutdown | 23
If you believe that sex isnt that important to you, thats your choice, but . . . I
stopped without fnishing the sentence.
But what? she asked.
I looked at Richard.
Just say it, Anita, he said.
I sighed, Micah squeezed my hand. But if you believe that sex isnt important to
Richard . . . that would be a mistake and not true.
I dont understand, she said.
Richard took her hand in his, and gazed into her eyes. I love you, I want to spend
my life with you and have children with you. I want to go to PTA meetings and Boy Scout
meetings, and do all of it with you.
She wrapped her smaller hands around his. Oh, Richard, I want that too, so
much.
But to have all that with you, and be happy, I need certain things that you dont
want to do.
Why is it wrong that I dont want you to tie me up and hurt me?
Its not wrong, he said, but its also not wrong that I want and need to do that
with someone.
I dont understand that, she said.
I know you dont, honey, but can you accept that its true for me?
Laurell K. Hamilton Shutdown | 24
Youre asking me to let you have sex with Anita and then come home to me as if
its all normal.
Yes, thats what Im asking.
You selfsh bastard, she said, and she was crying again. She took her hands out
of his and this time he let her do it. She stood up and gave him a look of rage and disgust
that must have been like a knife through his heart. Are you honestly saying, that if I
dont say yes to all this perverted sex that you wont marry me?
The tables near us were beginning to notice the show, and trying to act as if they
hadnt heard that oh, so, provocative sentence.
We had Richards face in profle. He swallowed hard enough that we heard it, and
then he said, Ive worked too hard to accept who I really am. Ellen, I cant go back to
hiding. I cant go back to lying to myself.
So you are choosing her over me, Ellen said.
No, Im choosing myself, he said.
She aimed that rage at me. You must be incredible in bed for him to throw every-
thing away. I guess I cant compete with a fur banging, blood whore.
Micah pressed his arm against my shoulders, holding me in my chair, because I
had started to stand. No, he said.
He was right, because if I stood up I wasnt sure what I was going to do -- nothing
good.
Richard stood up. That was an ugly thing to say.
Laurell K. Hamilton Shutdown | 25
Its the truth, isnt it?
If shes Jean-Claudes blood whore, then so am I, he said.
Ellen stared at him; her face didnt seem to know what expression it wanted to
have, as if so many thoughts were chasing around her mind that she didnt know what to
do.
You dont have sex with him. You told me you dont have sex with either of the
vampires.
He leaned in and spoke low, so the other people around wouldnt hear. Some of
the people at the nearest tables were trying not to stare; others were openly watching. He
bent closer to her, and said, Just because no one sticks their dicks in each other doesnt
mean its not sex.
She slapped him, hard enough for it to echo in the suddenly silent restaurant.
Everyone was looking now; it was too good a show to look away. Richard hadnt done
anything to protect himself, hed just let her hit him. If a man had done the same thing to
a woman someone would have been calling the police.
Richard stood up straighter, taking his face out of her reach. I love you, Ellen.
I hate you, Richard Zeeman, I hate you for making me love you, and for this . . .
she gestured at me and Micah, though I think we were just representative of the problem.
She started to sob, put her hands over her face and then ran towards the archway
and the door beyond. I honestly expected Richard to follow her, but he just stood there
with his cheek reddened from her slap. She was outside in the sunlight now, hesitating on
the sidewalk, looking behind her. She kept looking back, and I realized she was expect-
Laurell K. Hamilton Shutdown | 26
ing him to run after her. When he didnt appear there, she turned toward the window.
Richard didnt turn around. He didnt see her on the sidewalk. He didnt see her look in
through the windows at him. Ellen had expected him to follow her. I think shed seen
running out as an escalation, but not an end, and if hed gone after her, shed have been
right. The look on her face as she realized he wasnt going to follow was one of raw pain.
Micah touched my arm, which made me look at him. He looked at me and I knew
the look. I was supposed to do something.
I said, Richard, if you dont follow her . . .
Its over, Richard said.
Yes, I said.
I know, Richard said.
I looked at his very straight, very still back, and then turned to the window. Ellen
was looking at him, as if willing him to turn around, but he didnt. She walked out of
sight, fresh tears streaming down her face. Richard didnt follow her.
THE END