1.

Overkillers
by
Adam Niezgoda

THIS MATERIAL IS THE PROPERTY OF ADAM NIEZGODA

[Link]@[Link]

February 23, 2009

 2.

FADE IN:

EXT. BANK OF AMERICA, BUSY STREET - SUNNY DAY

THE CAMERA TRAVELS AROUND THE BANK TO FIND: A black armored

van emerging from the back part of the bank. It pulls out
onto a side street and goes on for several blocks.

SUPER: IN THE FUTURE NEARER THAN YOU THINK...

INT. BUILDING CRANE CABIN/EXT. SIDE STREET – CONTINUOUS

An old woman wearing a cucumber mask – Mrs. Grifter – is

sitting with one hand – a shiny artificial titanium arm -
on the lever. She has a pair of binoculars and is studying
the vehicles as they move below.
HER POV - THROUGH THE BINOCULARS - The black armored van
approaching. It's getting closer and closer... The old
woman pushes the lever.

INT. BLACK VAN/EXT. SIDE STREET - CONTINUOUS

DRIVER'S POV THRU WINDSHIELD - A cobwebby net is being

spread out across the street. It is attached by one end to
a light pole and by the other end to the crane's rope which
tightens it.

ESCORT
(terrified)
What the hell is that?!

Both escorts in the van sit petrified as their car becomes

entangled in the net and lurches to a halt.

EXT. SIDE STREET, NEXT TO THE CRANE - CONTINUOUS

MRS. GRIFTER
(to herself)
Don't worry, guys. I'll give you a
tow!

The crane lifts the net with the black van inside and
shatters it against a wall. Mrs. Grifter hoists the van up
and down to shake the money out of it.
A rain of thick packets of hundred dollar bills falls on
the street.
With a quickness that belies her age, Mrs. Grifter adroitly
climbs down the crane with a backpack and picks up the
 3.

money lying on the pavement. The van hangs above the

street, both escorts dead in the net with blood trickling
down their temples.
Mrs. Grifter crams the dough into her backpack, looks
around making sure she hasn't been noticed by anyone and
walks away, disappearing into the shadowy service alley
leading nowhere in particular...

INT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE, LENNY'S ROOM – NEXT DAY, DAWN

A twenty-something unshaven shaggy skinny guy (Lenny)

slumbers in a dim room – a converted cellar.
A rat climbs up a bookshelf next to his bed, runs past a
row of books on archeology. After a while, the rat gets
trapped into dentures lying on the shelf.
The chattering dentures break Lenny's sleep.
The springs in his bed creak terribly when he rolls over.
He slaps at the alarm clock but he notices that the noise
is made by the dentures.
He drags himself out of bed and throws the dead rat through
the window.

There's a knock at the door. A nightgown-clad old woman

with uncombed hair (Mrs. Grifter), cucumber mask on face,
artificial limbs, enters the room and turns the light on.

MRS. GRIFTER
What's all the noise in here!

The room appears to be a mess.

Wallpaper's peeling off the walls, patches of mildew on the
ceiling. The carpet is threadbare and filthy. Here are a
couple pieces of haggard furniture with stuffing spilling
out of the gashes.
A framed diploma, dusty and unkempt, hangs askew on the
wall.
There's also a beat-up dresser with a little DVD/TV combo
sitting on top of it. Dirty clothes piled everywhere. Shoes
and socks lay where they had been flung.

Mrs. Grifter presses a button behind her ears and her hair
immediately gets combed.
Lenny holds out the dentures and hands them to Mrs.
Grifter.

LENNY
(groping for an excuse)
I was brushing your dentures with
an ultramodern cleaner called
Rodental!
 4.

Mrs. Grifter puts in her dentures.

MRS. GRIFTER
Saaay – why are you being so nice
to me all of a sudden? I know!
You're already three months behind
with the rent! You parasitic
insect!

Mrs. Grifter sprays an insect killer in his face.

Lenny shields himself with his comforter.

MRS. GRIFTER (CONT'D)

My son provides for his large
family by working three jobs. But
you can't even provide for a rat.
They sneak into your room and
immediately die of starvation!

She slams the door as she walks away.

LENNY
(out loud)
You're wrong! That rat spent with
me a whole week!
(beat)
Mrs. Grifter! Do you have any
leftovers from your yesterday's
chicken?

Mrs. Grifter opens the door and tosses some scraps of

chicken onto Lenny's bed.
Lenny picks them up and puts into a medium-sized KFC box
holding some other scraps of chicken. Next, Lenny hides the
box under his bed.

EXT. MRS. GRIFTER'S BUNGALOW, SOME HOURS LATER

Lenny, dressed in worn-out heavily-frayed khaki shorts and

a faded T-shirt, hoes the earth and spades cow manure
called MOO DOO into the flower beds in Mrs. Grifter's front
yard. Her bungalow is rather run-down - just like the whole
bland suburban neighborhood.

Mrs. Grifter knits a cobwebby mesh, sitting in a rocking-

chair in the garden.
A mailman appears. He slowly scuffs, dragging three dogs
clinging to his legs.
 5.

MAILMAN
Hello Lenny. What an interesting
excavation. It smells as if you've
found Tutankhamen's toilet bowl!

LENNY
Hey, you walking dog's dinner! I'm
doing it only because I must
somehow work off a debt!

MAILMAN
Dude, you are still in debts, so
find a better excuse! Just admit
that you love the smell of the shit
– just like the dung beetle
worshipped by the ancient
Egyptians.

Lenny can't hold it much longer and throws a spadeful of

manure at the mailman, but he dodges it.

MAILMAN
Mrs. Grifter. Here is the pension
for you.

The mailman walks over to Mrs. Grifter and hands over the
cash.

MRS. GRIFTER
What a fortune! I'll buy a self-
combing wig on the installment
plan. Now I have enough money for
eight hairs. Or I'll buy one nail
of an automatic artificial leg!

MAILMAN
By the way, do you have any
effective cure for leaden legs?

Reluctantly, Mrs. Grifter fetches him a tiny canister of

pepper spray.
The mailmam douses his legs with pepper spray, making the
dogs run away yelping.

MAILMAN
Many thanks, Mrs. Grifter.

The mailman walks away, giving Mrs. Grifter a wave goodbye.

Mrs. Grifter settles herself back into her chair and

 6.

resumes knitting the net.

LENNY
But you already have the automatic
leg and the wig. Where do you get
your money?

MRS. GRIFTER
Keep your nose to your own
business, stinker!

EXT. BOULEVARD – ANOTHER SUNNY DAY

A battered hearse floats up a boulevard, gliding through a

canyon of mansion walls.

EXT. MANSION – MOMENTS LATER

Lenny parks his clunker-hearse in front of a mansion. He

maneuvers his vehicle into a narrow space between
roadsters.
The body of the car is badly rusted. The hearse has
”Carriongton Fun Real” emblazoned along it in bright yellow
letters.
Lenny climbs out and and props the tailgate open. He takes
out a buzz saw and a drill.
He whistles to himself, then walks up to the front door and
rings the doorbell.
The door is made of steel. There is no answer, so he rings
the doorbell again, then raps on the door. Again no answer,
so he bangs on the door vigorously.

LENNY
Hey, I must show you somethin'
special! These are really efficient
tools. Why these are so strong?
Because they have diamond bits and
blades. You never open your door
for hawkers? It’s not gonna be a
problem!

Lenny puts on safety goggles and drills a hole in the door.

He cups his hands against the hole and squints inside.

LENNY (CONT'D)
Choose our offer to have the
strength of a diamond!
(beat)
I know you're there...
 7.

Sparks are flying as Lenny cuts out a big piece from the
door. Next, he enters the mansion through the hole he made.

[Link], HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Lenny blows his nose into a handkerchief and puts it back

into his pocket.
Lenny prowls around the house, trying doors.

[Link], GYM - CONTINUOUS

Finally he encounters an old man with two artificial legs –

half man and half Robocop. In sweats and wearing a Walkman,
he is working out on an exercise bike.
Lenny motions to him that he wants to talk.
The old man takes off the headphones.

OLD MAN
Oh, hello. You must be an applicant
for my janitor... I was flooded
with résumés from all over the
country from just that one
classified!
(beat)
I'm Bob and what's your name?

He extends his hand to shake.

LENNY
Hi, I'm Lenny. Pleased to meet you.
Actually, I'm from “Carriongton Fun
Real” funeral home. This is our
business card.

Lenny plunges his hand into his pocket, pulls the snotty
hankie out and gives it to the man. The man takes the
snotty hankie. It sticks to his hand. He tries to shake it
off.

OLD MAN
What?!

Lenny notices what he's given and hands the right business
card to the old man.

LENNY
Oh! Sorry! I'm happy to announce an
absolutely new service. After
cremation, your ashes may be
transformed into diamond! It's the
 8.

hardest substance known!

Lenny shows the diamond drill to the old man.

LENNY (CONT'D)
I'll show you something. I'll be
right back!

Lenny exits the gym to bring the cutout from the steel
door. He places the cutout before the old man and drills a
hole in it, satisfied.

LENNY (CONT'D)
This bit is equipped with a diamond
tip. I bet you haven't seen
something of this strength! Now,
with Carriongton Fun Real you can
be as strong as diamond!

OLD MAN
Impressive... but...

LENNY
We also offer caskets with lifelong
guarantee.

The lively old man gets off the exercise bike but he leaves
there his steel artificial leg, which is still pedaling
like the devil.
After a while, the old man reattaches the artificial limb
to his trunk.

OLD MAN
I'm afraid that your offer is a bit
premature. I do 100 miles on my
bike every day without being
breathless! I'm gonna live another
90 years!

LENNY
OK! I see...
(beat)
So let's meet at your house in 90
years! How about Thursday morning?

Lenny consults his Filofax.

OLD MAN
Fine by me.
 9.

LENNY
See you then!

Lenny waves goodbye to the old man.

EXT. MANSION – MOMENTS LATER

Lenny has problems starting his car. We hear the sound of

the car's ignition coughing, but the engine will not turn
over.
The lively old man offers his help – he vigorously pushes
Lenny's car. Lenny guns the engine and shifts from neutral
to first. The hearse is revving low. A stunned Lenny drives
away.
The old man shakes his head with pity.
He is about to enter his mansion when notices the big hole
in the steel door.

OLD MAN
(to himself)
What has happened to the door?!
(beat)
The fucking motherfucker!!!

EXT. CEMETERY, SOME HOURS LATER

Lenny digs a very deep grave in a cemetery. His dirty

hearse is parked nearby.
There is also another bespectacled twenty-something
gravedigger (Freddie). His glasses are misted over. They
both sweat buckets and wipe their foreheads. Fatigue is
etched on their faces.
A pipe-smoking tall cadaverous man (Mr. Carriongton)
wearing a black suit, supervises them. His pipe is clamped
firmly between his teeth. He leans against the hearse for
support.

MR. CARRIONGTON
(preaches to himself)
On the eighth day, God made the
car. And he saw that it was good.
Thank God for automobile
fatalities! That's why I like cars
so much...

He strokes the hearse and notices dust on his palm. Next,

he touches the passenger seat with disgust.

MR. CARRIONGTON (CONT'D)

Lenny! Clean finally our hearse!
 10.

The seats are so dirty that you

don't need to fasten seat belts
because you just stick to the seat!
(beat)
It's important to create a good
impression when you meet a new
client!
(beat)
But it's all for nothing if you
can't sell a genuine diamond!!!
It's basic! There are agents who
can even palm off perforated
condoms!
(beat)
I expect too much of you... you
stupid archeologist...

LENNY
But I've set up an initial meeting
with prospective client!

MR. CARRIONGTON
Initial meeting?! In 90 years?!

LENNY
These oldsters are forever like
diamonds! They replace their old
body parts with nuclear prostheses
and become virtually immortal!

FREDDIE
That's true!

Mr. Carriongton gesticulates wildly as he preaches at

Lenny. Lenny rolls his eyes.

MR. CARRIONGTON
You should arouse in people a
desire for our services. You must
describe our offer as something
worth dying for! We want these
oldsters have a death wish. Good
client is a dead client! We should
benefit from the graying of
America!
(to Freddie)
Freddie, you must hold the spade by
the lower part of the handle! Do it
like this!
 11.

Freddie takes ,,digging lesson'' which resembles golf

lesson.

MR. CARRIONGTON
And that's how you dig the earth.

FREDDIE
Thank you Mr. Carriongton. You are
a real professional!

Freddie breaks the handle of his spade. Next, he applies a

plaster cast to the broken handle. Mr. Carriongton shakes
his head seeing this.

FREDDIE
(to Lenny)
Do you believe in life after death?

LENNY
Yeah. But with my luck my spirit
will return to life in a
graveworm's body.
(beat)
Mr. Carriongton, must we dig such a
deep fallout shelter? The cold war
is over!

Lenny lets his spade rest at his side.

MR. CARRIONGTON
It was the last will of our client!
He wished he was buried as deep as
possible.
(beat)
We are working on commission. 100
bucks for every foot.

LENNY
So let's go the whole hog with it!

FREDDIE
What do you mean?!

LENNY
There is an exhausted oil well
nearby. It's about half-mile deep!

MR. CARRIONGTON
Now you're talking!
 12.

EXT. HIGHWAY/INT. HEARSE, ANOTHER SUNNY DAY

The hearse moves at a snail's pace down a highway full of

traffic. Clouds of exhaust. Lenny bangs on the horn in
fury. His cell phone chirps and he reaches into his pocket.

LENNY
(into phone)
Yes, yes... Mr. Carriongton.
(beat)
But I got bogged down in a traffic
jam!
(beat)
The funeral begins at 3.00?! Shit!
I haven't cremated the body yet!

Lenny ends the call, frantic with worry.

He notices that the carpool lane is less congested. He hops
out of the car, runs up to the rear of the hearse, opens
the tailgate and then pushes the lid off the coffin.
He heaves outside a stiff, black-suit-clad, dead man and
drags the body up to the front passenger door.
The drivers and passengers sitting in the cars stuck in
traffic observe Lenny's doings, aghast.
Lenny seats the dead man in the front passenger seat and
shuts the door, satisfied.

The jalopy-hearse pulls into the carpool lane and squeals

away.

EXT. CEMETERY – SOME HOURS LATER

At a funeral, Lenny and Freddie (in black tailcoats and top

hats)lower an urn by two ropes into an oil well.
Mr. Carriongton (also in a black tailcoat and top hat)
stands on a small platform delivering his eulogy.

MR. CARRIONGTON
For what will be remembered Dick
Long – a respected, self-effacing
racketeer...
(beat)
For that he never raped a woman...
without a condom...
(beat)
For that he never downloaded
illegal music and movies... because
he didn't know how...
(beat)
For that he didn't die from bullet
 13.

wounds as his workmates but got hit

by a school bus and run over by a
garbage truck. The whole community
is deeply grieved by his tragic
death.

The mourners aren't very delighted by Mr. Carriongton's

speech.

MR. CARRIONGTON (CONT'D)

But let's face it. Dick was kind of
a tick, if you'll pardon the
expression. He was a leech, a flea
that sucks the money of other
people!

All the mourners whip out their guns and aim them at the
terrified Mr. Carriongton.

MR. CARRIONGTON (CONT'D)

Wait! You don't know what I'm
driving at!
(beat)
Who created these bloodsuckers?
God! God made these creatures! And
he saw that they were good! Now our
society tries to exterminate these
poor little things because nobody
likes them and doesn't know how
important they are. But God knows
what these bloodsuckers exist for!
(beat)
It's one of the mysteries of life!

The mourners holster their guns - Mr. Carriongton has moved

them to tears...

Suddenly, the ropes slip completely from Lenny's and

Freddie's hands so that the urn plummets, triggering an
uproar among all assembled people.

MR. CARRIONGTON (CONT'D)

(placating, to the mourners)
We may be having a bit of technical
difficulty...
(whispering to himself)
This isn't happening. This isn't
happening...

The earth is quaking. A burst of oil comes straight up and

 14.

sprays all over the people. The jet of petroleum throws the
urn out.
People gaze in wonder as the urn lands on a car, shattering
its windshield. Seeing this, Mr. Carriongton furrows his
brow.
Sounds of moans and groans. Some women fall down in a dead
faint, doused in a splashing rain of oil.
Our boys look at each other guiltily.

EXT. BUSY STREET – NEXT DAY

Lenny walks down the street, heading for a street guitarist

(Ron) looking like Slash. Ron, the demon of the electric
guitar, shows a dazzling display of his talent. He busts a
move, playing his guitar. He is no dilettante – the music
is clean and professional.
As Ron notices Lenny approaching him, he shows no sign of
it. Lenny walks over to him.

LENNY
Hi Ron! Nice performance... Er, you
got any spare cash?

Ron continues playing as if Lenny were not here. Lenny

slowly waves his hand in front of Ron's eyes, getting zero
response.
Impatient, Lenny unplugs Ron's electric guitar.

RON
What the hell!? Oh, its you again!?

LENNY
Hey, I'm sorry if I'm disturbing
you...

RON
Man... It isn't Live 8. I'm not Bob
Geldof nor Bono! There are limits
to my charity!

LENNY
Only eight bucks...

RON
Man! I just said something!

LENNY
I promise to return you the money
with interest!
 15.

RON
How?

LENNY
I'll sell my kidney!

RON
But you had already sold it last
year!

LENNY
I'll sell the other one. People
have two kidneys. Didn't you know?

Ron gives him a compassionate look.

RON
OK... Take it... But it's the last
time!

Ron takes some money out of the guitar case and passes it
to Lenny.

LENNY
Thanks!

EXT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE – NEXT DAY

Lenny and Freddie get off a bus and walk toward Mrs.
Grifter's house.

FREDDIE
I was in the middle of buying
spades for our funeral home when
the new boyfriend of my ex-
girlfriend entered the shop. He
starts talking to me about work.
Now, I don't want to talk to this
loser about anything, let alone
work. Because work's a touchy
subject with me. But it's too late,
the touchy subject has been
broached.

LENNY
What did you tell him?

FREDDIE
I work as a military surgeon who
spends his days and nights in the
 16.

trenches and I must operate the

spade as well as I operate the
scalpel. Bombs and machine guns are
kabooming and ratatattating all
around me, all the time.

LENNY
How do you call it? A different
way of seeing the same thing, Mr.
military surgeon?
(beat)
Talking of surgery, could you
operate on my chicken?

FREDDIE
Sure! I'll bring the equipment.

INT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE, LENNY'S ROOM – MOMENTS LATER

Freddie enters Lenny's dingy basement – he is dressed as a

surgeon.
Lenny pulls the cardboard box out from under his bed and
pops it open. He shakes the scraps of chicken over a table,
under a lamp.
Freddie arranges the scraps and sutures them together.
Freddie recreates the chicken. It's a very meticulous
plastic surgery. Lenny wipes the beads of sweat from
Freddie's forehead.
A time-lapse sequence.
After four hours, the chicken looks as good as new.
Lenny goes over to a kitchenette and puts the recreated
chicken in the microwave and turns it on.
Our boys tuck into the reconstructed and reheated chicken.

FREDDIE
There is a hair in my chicken!

Freddie pulls out a hair from his drumstick.

LENNY
But that's impossible! Chickens are
covered with feathers, not with
hair.

FREDDIE
Hair, hair, hair! I hate it!

LENNY
Calm down!
 17.

FREDDIE
Sorry...
(beat)
I lost my girlfriend only because
that loser has hairier torso than
mine!
(beat)
I must get my revenge on him for
that. Could you help me with it?

EXT. QUIET RESIDENTIAL STREET – NIGHT

Before dawn, Lenny stealthily tampers with the side mirrors

of cars parked along the street. Freddie follows Lenny
closely.

FREDDIE
Will that work?

LENNY
Trust me. The sun god Re has an
enormous power!
The ancient priests of Egypt were
able to predict eclipses. They knew
how the Sun moves through the sky
during the different seasons. And I
know what they knew!

A time-lapse sequence.
As the sun rises, the side mirrors reflect the rays onto a
bungalow.
Our boys observe that house, crouching behind a hedge.
The rays converge on a point, which rakes the front of the
house, moving slowly toward the door.
A paper boy throws a newspaper on the front steps.
A guy with hairy chest emerges from the building and stoops
to pick up the newspaper.
As the hirsute lad straightens, the focused light rays set
his torso hair afire.
Lenny and Freddie high-five each other.
They walk away, satisfied.

INT. BUS – MOMENTS LATER

Lenny and Freddie get on a bus.

There is a gorgeous lass in her mid-20s, Betty, at the
other end of the bus. She is a shapely girl with black hair
held up in a ponytail. Betty wears a fiery T-shirt that
reads “Hot Bed” in large letters along the front.
Our boys devour her with their eyes as she flips her
 18.

ponytail across one shoulder.

The bus roars past a sign that reads: Welcome to the San
Diego Zoo.
At the next bus stop, a nun and android-like old men with
artificial limbs get aboard.

NUN
(to the old men)
I will never take you out anywhere!
(beat)
Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
What's possessed you to rape those
baboons?

OLD MAN 1
I need a real wild sex! Do you
think that mere receiving anti-
constipation suppositories can
fulfill me sexually?

OLD MAN 2
There was a sign reading: “Do Not
Feed the Animals”. I haven't seen
any sign reading: “Do Not Fuck the
Animals”!

NUN
You know the rules. This is a
catholic retirement home. Sex is
prohibited! Especially with
animals!

OLD MAN 3
Even The Book says: Be fertile and
become many. Fill the land and
conquer it. Dominate the fish of
the sea, the birds of the sky, and
every beast that walks the land.

NUN
My God! But it's not about sexual
domination!
(beat)
Anyway, you have completed your
procreative mission a long time
ago!

OLD MAN 4
What mission?! I haven't completed
that mission yet! You've put a ban
 19.

on playing GTA!

NUN
If your friend hadn't run over that
caretaker, you still would be
allowed to play GTA.

OLD MAN 2
C’mon, I was only testing my
motorized wheelchair!

OLD MAN 4
I'm not gonna play chess to my
dying day in that prison! I want
GTA!

OLD MAN 1
OLD MAN 2
OLD MAN 3
OLD MAN 4
(chanting)
We want GTA! We want GTA! We want
GTA!

OLD MAN 2
Let's play it here...
(to the bus driver)
Would you be so kind as to give up
your seat to an elderly person?

The old man 2 breaks into driver's cab, throws the driver
through the window and sits at the wheel.
The bus picks up speed.
The old man 1 breaks off a piece of handrail, shatters the
window and sticks the rod out.
He charges with his ”lance” at bus shelters and phone
booths.

OLD MAN 1
Let's fight for freedom.

OLD MAN 3
Let's fight for... free artificial
limbs!

OLD MAN 4
Let's fight for free electric
blankets!

Old man 4 spots the frightened Betty and points at her.

 20.

OLD MAN 4
Hey, isn't that girl from the
electric blanket factory?
(to Betty)
You wanna reduce us to begging?! We
have to pay 2 grand for a blanket!

Furious, old man 4 hangs Betty by her neck on the hanging

strap.
Lenny and Freddie rush to Betty's rescue.
Freddie jabs his finger into old man 4's ribs. The old man
falls dead.
Lenny extricates Betty from the loop.
He opens the door.

LENNY
We're jumping out!

Lenny, Freddie and Betty jump out of the speeding bus to

land on a grocery stall.

EXT. BUSY STREET - CONTINUOUS

Lenny, Freddie and Betty are lying next to each other.

Betty gives Lenny and Freddie two big kisses and hugs.

BETTY
Thank you! I can't thank you
enough, fellas.
(beat)
I'm Betty.

Betty, Lenny and Freddie haul themselves out of the stall

and walk down the street.

FREDDIE
You can call me Freddie.

LENNY
I'm Lenny. My pleasure, Betty.

BETTY
Hey, Freddie. You've killed that
oldster like ninjas do!

FREDDIE
No sweat! I studied medicine. I've
simply pushed the button of his
artificial pacemaker to turn it
 21.

off.

LENNY
Beware of Freddie! He's a black
belt in Kamasutra – he can
overwhelm you with one finger!

Betty jumps over a phone booth. Then she hops into a large
dumpster standing in her way and jumps out of there, pretty
dirty.
Our boys look at each other.

LENNY
Hey! Are you a parkourist or
something?

BETTY
Yeah! It allows me to save a lot of
time just like taking short cuts.

FREDDIE
We'll see you to your place, OK?

BETTY
Thanks, guys.

LENNY
Where are you from? Do you live in
this area?

BETTY
Yes, I live one block from here.

Lenny takes Freddie aside.

LENNY
She is only one. We are two – I
won't let it end with a group sex
again!

FREDDIE
You're right. It wasn't a
pleasurable sensation when you put
your dick into my ass last time!

LENNY
I've mistaken you for that chick.
You shouldn't have depilation and
peeling that often!
 22.

FREDDIE
That's required by my new job.

LENNY
What job?

FREDDIE
Let's drop the subject. We must
decide who will sleep with her.

LENNY
I saw her first! I have first dibs.

FREDDIE
Really? I saw her first!

LENNY
No, I was the first!

FREDDIE
OK. This is the only solution - odd
or even?

LENNY
Even.

Our boys play odd or even.

LENNY
I won! I won!

Lenny takes a look around.

LENNY (CONT'D)
Hey, where is she?!

Our boys spy Betty climbing up the skyscraper standing at

the end of the street.
Lenny and Freddie stand stupefied by her doings.

LENNY
She seems kinda unreachable.

EXT. ELECTRIC BLANKET FACTORY – NEXT DAY

Lenny pulls up his clunker-hearse in front of the electric

blanket factory called “Hot Bed” and observes workers
leaving the building, while fixing his hair in the rear
view mirror.
Lenny gets out of his car as he catches sight of Betty. He
 23.

watches her, enchanted. Betty totes a bulky bobbin. A man

accosts her and cops a feel. Betty bitch slaps him,
knocking him out cold.
Lenny is surprised to see that. He walks over to Betty,
making goo-goo eyes at her.

LENNY
Hello!

BETTY
Oh hello! How nice to see you!

LENNY
Really? So why have you left me and
Freddie on the street?

BETTY
You should have followed me!

They slowly walk toward a busy street.

EXT. BUSY STREET - CONTINUOUS

LENNY
Sorry, but I am not a fly. I can't
climb walls, even if my landlady
calls me an insect.
And speaking of insects – how 'bout
we play cockroaches?

BETTY
What?!

LENNY
Cockroaches. It's simple. The
object is to successfully lead a
cockroach across the street.

Lenny takes two cockroaches from a garbage can.

LENNY
Have a try!

Lenny gives Betty one cockroach. Betty takes the insect in

disgust and places it on the roadway. She crosses the
street followed by the cockroach, which she directs by
means of a banana held before it.
Lenny instructs her in the game. Cars roar past with their
horns blaring. Suddenly, a speeding car runs over the
cockroach. Betty jumps aside to avoid being hit by the car.
 24.

BETTY
Hey, I like it! It's your turn!

Lenny's cockroach runs in circles and isn't willing to

follow the banana. Several cars narrowly miss hitting
Lenny. The horns of the cars blare. He turns to see a car
directly behind him.

LENNY
Drive around me, you booby!

Lenny spots a road sign “Detour” and puts it before the

cockroach.
As he stands next to the “Detour” sign, a huge tank truck
comes to a screeching halt before him. A wave of milk
spills out of the tank, spattering Lenny and Betty.
They run away to escape in Lenny's clunker-hearse. The old
car coughs and sputters before starting.

INT. LENNY'S HEARSE - CONTINUOUS

LENNY
Hey, it's a living!

BETTY
Nice disruption! You are a real
troublemaker!
Do you work for a funeral home?

They are talking loud, as the clunker does not provide a

quiet ride.

LENNY
No, I am an archeologist... that is
a digger... that is a gravedigger.

BETTY
Oh man, I'm sorry, Lenny.

Betty puts her hand on Lenny's shoulder compassionately.

LENNY
Uh, this isn't my real job, you
know. It's only temporary.

Their conversation is punctuated by uncomfortable silence.

BETTY
Now I feel like Cleopatra! She used
 25.

to bathe in milk.

LENNY
You're well versed in Egyptology.

BETTY
No, I read Cosmopolitan.

LENNY
I can give you a ride to your house
if you like.

BETTY
That would be great, but it is in
opposite direction.

Lenny wrestles with the steering wheel trying to make a

turn.

LENNY
Shit! The steering wheel got stuck!

BETTY
What?!

LENNY
You know, sometimes ultramodern
devices can turn against human
beings.

Betty notices a hole in the hearse's roof.

BETTY
I know a garage that does good
bodywork.

With effort, Lenny pushes the steering wheel with his legs
to take turns.

LENNY
I don't need it. My boss doesn't
agree with me but I think the rust
and holes are a good a reminder for
our potential clients that
everything dies. No one's immortal.
Even Robocop or Iron Man will
corrode.

INT. BETTY'S PLACE – MOMENTS LATER

 26.

Lenny and Betty enter a chokingly small apartment which is

a very well equipped home gym.
Lenny bonks his head against a big exercise device. Betty
gives him a hard hat and Lenny puts it on.

BETTY
Sorry, I'm an exercise fanatic.
(beat)
Make yourself at home. I'll be just
a minute...

Betty goes into the bathroom. Lenny plonks himself down on

the sofa and then flips on the TV. “THE MOMENT OF TRUTH”
airs:

HOST
The million dollar question is: do
you have a secret soundproof cellar
under your house where you've been
detaining your daughter since 1986
to rape her every day?

PARTICIPANT
Yes, I do...

HOST
You are telling the truth!
Congratulations! The million
belongs to you!

Four police officers rush in to handcuff the participant.

LENNY
(to himself)
Holy shit! Stephen King should sell
cotton candy!

HOST
It's a whole lot of money but I'm
not sure if it's enough to bail you
out...
(beat)
We'll be right back after a
commercial break.

A commercial is on: a bushed pallid black-suit-clad

businessman with a briefcase is lying in a casket standing
next to a bed, covered in luxurious satin sheets, on which
half-naked Freddie is petting a sexy lingerie-clad woman.
The pallid businessman gives the woman on the bed a
 27.

semiconscious leer from time to time.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
You often have to work overtime.
You work yourself into the ground.
Deadlines are killing you. You are
dead on your feet. And you are dead
in your briefs. Your wife is sex-
starved because necrophilia is
illegal. Help your wife! Employ the
Sexy Proxy. Our Sexy Proxy will
have sex with her on your behalf.
Just tell him what you wanna do
with your wife and the Sexy Proxy
will operate on your sexual agenda.
Next, you will receive a detailed
report on your wife's climaxes.

LENNY
(to himself)
Freddie!? You swinger!

A dolled up Betty appears in the doorway. Lenny ogles her

as she's quite an eyeful.

BETTY
Something to eat?

LENNY
Can I have some leftovers?

BETTY
Leftovers?! I don't know any recipe
for leftovers. But I have somethin'
delicious for you!

LENNY
Thanks...

BETTY
Come to the bathroom.

Betty beckons Lenny to the bathroom where there she

undresses and gets into the bathtub filled with milk and
corn flakes.

LENNY
Waiter! There is a long-haired girl
in my soup!
 28.

BETTY
We must finish the milk bath... Go
ahead! Milk does a body good. Just
taste me, taste me...

Lenny takes off his clothes and joins Betty.

BETTY
Modern women must cope with many
things simultaneously. You have to
take a bath, eat and have sex at
the same time. It's called
multitasking.

Lenny and Betty make love. Betty eats corn flakes off
Lenny's skin.
A time-lapse sequence.
Lenny and Betty lie asleep in the tub. Lenny flops his arm
over the edge of the bathtub. Betty cuddles into him. They
begin to shiver from cold and wake up, get out and towel
themselves.

BETTY
A blanket will warm you.

LENNY
Electric blanket?! Great!

Lenny lies on the sofa. Betty covers him up with the

electric blanket and plugs it in. Lenny stretches himself
in careless ease.

BETTY
Do you wanna eat breakfast with me?

LENNY
Sure!

Betty shifts the temperature switch on the blanket from

min. to max. Afterwards, she cracks four eggs and spills
them onto the electric blanket covering Lenny to fry them
up. She slips under the blanket, fondling Lenny.
Lenny and Betty sweat profusely.
Lenny can't suppress his pain.
He squeaks and runs out, grabbing his togs. He runs down
the stairs, screaming.

BETTY
You don't like sadomasochistic
eggs?!
 29.

EXT. FUNERAL HOME - DAY

Lenny meets Freddie in front of the funeral home called

“Carriongton Fun Real”. They start to unload a truck with
funeral wreaths and put them in a display window.

LENNY
Whassup, Sexy Proxy? I saw you on
TV. How much do you pull in?

FREDDIE
(whispering)
Hush! I'll get sacked if the boss
finds out I've been moonlighting.
(beat)
I work on an unpaid trial basis.
(beat)
(speaking up)
How did your date with Betty go?

LENNY
I dropped her like a hot potato!

FREDDIE
Why?!

LENNY
I'm burnt to a crisp!

Lenny rolls his T-shirt up, exposing his chest with severe
burns.

FREDDIE
Jesus fucking Christ, how it
happened?!

LENNY
She is a sadomasochist and tried to
toast me under an electric blanket!

Freddie fetches a first aid kit and sprays something onto

Lenny's chest.

FREDDIE
Hot chick...

LENNY
God punished me for what I had done
 30.

to that guy with hairy torso... I

deserved to fry! Ha ha ha!

Mr. Carriongton exits the funeral home, locking the door

behind him.

MR. CARRIONGTON
Hey, gentlemen. Today is payday!
Here you go.

Mr. Carriongton gives them lottery tickets.

LENNY
You gotta be kidding. You give us
lottery tickets and call it pay?!
But these are worthless!

Lenny is boiling with frustration and stares at Mr.

Carriongton like he's out of his mind.

MR. CARRIONGTON
Cool your jets, Lenny.

Mr. Carriongton nervously pulls out a pipe and torches it

up.

MR. CARRIONGTON
You shoulda said “priceless”! These
can be worth millions!
(beat)
Come on! Things are gonna get
better, I promise!

Mr. Carriongton pats Lenny's shoulder. He has this hacking

smoker's cough.

EXT. QUIET STREET – MOMENTS LATER

They walk along the street.

Lenny, Freddie and Mr. Carriongton drift into a bodega to
buy two six-packs of beer. They exit the shop and walk
slowly toward cemetery.

EXT. CEMETERY – MOMENTS LATER

These three sit down on a bench in a cemetery, sipping

beer.

MR. CARRIONGTON
We're wasting time. Let's mobilize.
 31.

Life is short like... like

ephemeral blossoms...

All are visibly drunk.

FREDDIE
Like a firework.

MR. CARRIONGTON
Like a short story.

LENNY
Like a short circuit.

MR. CARRIONGTON
Shut your trap! You are smashed!
(beat)
Freddie, you said “a firework”?

FREDDIE
Yeah...

MR. CARRIONGTON
Wait a second.
(beat)
I think I just had an idea. It can
be done! Let's mix ashes with
gunpowder!

Lenny and Freddie seem to like the idea.

LENNY
Just like Alfred Nobel did!

FREDDIE
We will win a Nobel Prize!

They all brighten up, delighted at their new prospects.

EXT. CEMETERY – SOME DAYS LATER - DUSK

At a funeral, a casket's lid slowly lifts up by itself and

a skyrocket flies out of it.
The firework ascends high. All the mourners stare open-
mouthed at the skyrocket.
Suddenly, the firework drops to the ground nearby and
explodes powerfully, gouging there a huge smoky crater.
The explosion creates a shock wave. Some persons get
blasted back.
There is a collective groan. Lenny and Freddie hold their
 32.

heads in their hands. Mr. Carriongton throws up his arms,

defeated.
Lenny jumps away from Mr. Carriongton. Freddie follows
suit.
Lenny points his finger at Mr. Carriongton.

LENNY
It was all his idea!
(beat)
He forced us to work for him
without pay!

FREDDIE
Yeah! Actually, we don't work for
that man. He can't even produce any
papers to show it!

LENNY
We don't know him!

INT. COURTROOM – SOME DAYS LATER

At a trial, Mr. Carriongton, Lenny and Freddie are standing

in the dock, manacled and shackled. The judge pronounces
sentence on them. All the blood drains from their faces as
the verdict is being read.

JUDGE
(to Lenny and Freddie)
You two will clean up the mess.
(to Mr. Carriongton)
And you, Mr. Carriongton... 50
years hard labor for terrorist
attack!

Lenny and Freddie heave a sigh of relief.

MR. CARRIONGTON
Hard labor?!

JUDGE
Yeah! Blow job!

Mr. Carriongton clutches his chest, like he's having a

seizure.

EXT. WIND FARM - DAY

Some 1000 prisoners, including Mr. Carriongton, blow on a

 33.

big wind turbine. All the men wear the same federal prison
clothing. Some 20 armed prison guards watch over the
convicts.

PRISON GUARD
That will make you respect the
alternative sources of energy!

EXT. CEMETERY - DAY

In a cemetery, Lenny and Freddie fill the crater with

earth. They move sluggishly, wiping perspiration from their
foreheads.

FREDDIE
Shit! It will take several days to
fill the hole.

LENNY
Thank God, we managed to put the
whole blame on Carriongton.
(beat)
Nice calamity! It nearly blew us to
kingdom come! You should have
warned us that batteries for
artificial limbs contain plutonium.

FREDDIE
Sorry. This android guy was
entirely cremated and I didn't
expect any chain reaction!
(beat)
C'mon... It wasn't a complete
failure... I bet it's a blessing in
disguise... At any rate, we learned
something...

LENNY
Yeah, not to work as gravediggers
anymore...
(beat)
It is as if we were burying our
fucking funeral home. This is the
end! I'm really happy with it!

FREDDIE
So am I. We must celebrate it!

LENNY
But I'm flat broke.
 34.

FREDDIE
Don't worry! I have 90 bucks - sold
some stuff from our funeral home to
my ex-girlfriend.

LENNY
To your ex-girlfriend?! She wanted
to buy that tacky junk?

FREDDIE
Yeah... She's a firm believer in
recycling.

EXT. ROUGH SEA - DAY

On the open sea, a Baywatch-style lifeguard babe on a

motorboat throws a life belt to a drowning man. The life
ring appears to be a funeral wreath with a “REST IN PEACE”
ribbon.

DROWNING MAN
Hey, I'm still alive! I don't need
a funeral wreath!

EXT. NIGHT CLUB - EVENING

The clunker-hearse pulls up in front of a nightclub called

”Pacifier”. Lenny and Freddie step out of the car and head
for the club.

FREDDIE
You're gonna love it. This club has
the reputation of being free from
brawls.

As our guys try to enter the club, a hulking bouncer gives

them the once-over and whacks them in the face so heavily
that they black out. Then, a few seconds later, they
struggle to their feet, half-conscious.

LENNY
Why?

Lenny puts a finger to his nostril and examines it for

blood, then he brushes himself off.

BOUNCER
It was a pre-emptive strike. Just
in case you gonna pick fights!
 35.

Freddie blots his split lip with his sleeve.

INT. NIGHT CLUB - CONTINUOUS

With faltering steps, Lenny and Freddie enter the club and
stagger toward the counter.
Behind them, the strapping bouncer strikes another three
men walking into the nightclub, knocking them out cold.

LENNY
Now I know why this club is so
quiet...

Lenny and Freddie climb onto bar stools looking like very
high feeding chairs and saddle up to the bar. A bunny girl
approaches them, leaning over the counter.

BUNNY GIRL
Well now what can I get you boys?

LENNY
A cup of black tea, from two bags.

BUNNY GIRL
A tea?! OK...

FREDDIE
Bloody Mary on the rocks, please.

BUNNY GIRL
Bloody Mary! Thanks God there are
still real men!

The club is full of dazed men with shiners. They are

sitting in high feeding chairs, looking almost comatose.
Bunny girls spoon-feed them. Go-go girls dance crazily. The
men give the go-go girls drunken leers.
The bunny girl delivers Bloody Mary and the tea.
Lenny takes two tea bags out of the cup and puts them on
his eyelids.

BUNNY GIRL
What are you doing?!

LENNY
I'm treating my black eyes.

BUNNY GIRL
 36.

(to Freddie)
Hey, you must be Sexy Proxy!

FREDDIE
Yep, it's me.

BUNNY GIRL
I've seen you on TV! How did you
get that job?

FREDDIE
I know every millimeter of the
female body. I studied medicine.

BUNNY GIRL
So you don't need to use the GPS to
localize the G-spot...

FREDDIE
Exactly...

Freddie ogles her lustily.

FREDDIE (CONT'D)
You seem well qualified for work in
a night club.

Freddie has designs on the bunny girl.

BUNNY GIRL
I graduated from a night school.

The bar counter is rather low while the feeding chairs are
quite high. Freddie's drink stands on the bar. It's
provided with 3-foot-long transparent straw. Freddie can't
suck the drink into his mouth – maybe because he has a fat
lip. The liquid column in the straw alternately rises and
falls.

FREDDIE
Do you wanna take an oral exam?

Freddie checks out her body, holding ice cubes to his

bruised face. Bunny girl comes on strong to Freddie. She
nods to him and they both leave the nightclub.
There begins an erotic wrestling match.
The bouncer rushes in to bust up the fight. He biffs the
fighting girls in the face, flooring them.

BOUNCER
 37.

No fights!

Lenny takes the tea bags off his eyes.

LENNY
Did I miss something interesting?

A man in his late fifties (Mr. Socket) is sitting next to

Lenny. He's holding a martini and looking a little sloshed.

MR. SOCKET
Nothing special...
(beat)
But I missed the meaning of my
life... I'm gonna go kill myself.

LENNY
So we've got something in common...

MR. SOCKET
Life is like water. Once it gets
stagnant, it begins to stink. One
day indistinguishable from the
next. Every month, every year, they
all look the same. Thank God there
is one thing that changes - the
calendar girls... New month – a new
girl...
(beat)
I would like to do something big,
but what big thing can a simple
electrician do?
(beat)
Shit! I need help...

LENNY
Don't ask me to help you. I'm a
walking disaster... I'm gonna save
you from myself.

Mr. Socket gets an idea.

MR. SOCKET
Oh yeah, that's it, that's it!
Jolly good idea, chap! That will be
my finest effort! I must save
somebody from a disaster!

Mr. Socket taps Lenny's shoulder.

 38.

LENNY
Yeah. Me, for example. I'm at the
edge of an economic precipice.

Mr. Socket reaches into his breastpocket to withdraw $5000

and lays it smoothly on the counter. Lenny goggles.

MR. SOCKET
Take it!

LENNY
Oh! My God! 5 grand! I'm your
servant! I'm at your beck and call!
I'm Lenny. What's your name, my
lord?

Lenny stuffs the money into his briefs.

MR. SOCKET
I am Willy Socket. You will get
another 5000 bucks if you keep your
end of the bargain.

LENNY
What bargain?

MR. SOCKET
You must contrive a disaster...

LENNY
... and you're gonna rescue
somebody?

MR. SOCKET
That's it. Here is my phone number.

Mr. Socket slides a sheet of paper to Lenny and leaves the

nightclub. Lenny is stupefied.

EXT. NIGHT CLUB – MOMENTS LATER

In front of the nightclub, there is parked the clunker-

hearse. It bucks lowrider-style with the engine revving.
Inside we see Freddie lying on the bunny girl. The rocking
car propels Freddie – it lets him thrust.
The car starts to sputter and the engine dies. The rocking
ceases. The gas gage reads empty. Now Freddie lies on the
bunny girl perfectly still.

BUNNY GIRL
 39.

Get a move on, Sexy Proxy!

Freddie climbs out.

BUNNY GIRL (CONT'D)

Where are you going?! I was about
to reach climax!

FREDDIE
I must refuel her! No fuel, no
rocking.
I've been spading for ten straight
hours and I'm too tired to do by
myself!

Freddie takes a jerry can out of his car.

BUNNY GIRL
So your sex drive runs on gas?

Lenny runs up to Freddie and shows him the money in his

briefs.

LENNY
Freddie, we got a bully job!

FREDDIE
As strippers?

LENNY
No! It's more complicated...

INT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE, LENNY'S DIGS - NIGHT

At night, Lenny slumbers in his mussy room.

He tosses and turns in the bed. The springs in his bed
creak terribly. He can't make himself comfortable on the
bed.
Lenny, decked out in a pair of polka-dot pajamas, starts to
sleepwalk, barefoot.

INT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE, STAIRS - CONTINUOUS

He exits his room, bends his steps toward the stairs and
lies down on the steps but he can't arrange himself in a
cozy position. The steps don't make a satisfactory place to
sleep.

EXT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

 40.

Lenny leaves the bungalow and lies down on the pavement. He

is rolling over, then lifts himself...

EXT. EMPTY STREET, TRACKS - CONTINUOUS

... and sleepwalks down an empty street toward railroad

tracks.
Lenny snuggles on the track and is now fast asleep.
A train honks. Lenny gropes for his imaginary alarm clock
in the darkness but there is only a pebble. He's bathed in
the headlights of the locomotive. The train honks again.
Lenny wakes up and spots a high-speed electric train being
on a collision course with him.
Lenny dives out of the track at the last moment.

Lenny walks along the tracks. He spies a payphone, goes to

make a call, but he doesn't have any change. He is visibly
excited.
Lenny spots Ron sleeping on the pavement. He steals up to
him, then takes some coins out of the guitar case.
Lenny enters the phone booth, puts coins into the pay phone
and dials.

LENNY
Freddie? It's Lenny. I've just hit
upon a great idea! Actually, the
idea almost hit upon me...

EXT. RAILROAD INTERSECTION - DAY

Lenny walks along tracks, holding a notepad, a pencil and a

stopwatch in his hands. He notes down the times when trains
go past him.

EXT. CITY PARK – SEVERAL HOURS LATER

Lenny and Freddie sit on a park bench, sipping Mountain

Dew. Lenny studies printouts with train schedules.

FREDDIE
We've done some pretty stupid
things in my life, but this really
takes the cake! I'm not gonna cause
a train wreck!

LENNY
C'mon! I've planned everything from
A to Z. It will be a very safe
smash-up! As safe as safe sex!
 41.

FREDDIE
Man! You must be delirious!

LENNY
No! All carriages will be empty
like... like inflatable sex dolls!

FREDDIE
Hey! Stop using these stupid sexual
metaphors! Although I am a part-
time sex worker but you are talking
to a guy with IQ much higher than
yours!

An angry Freddie points his finger at Lenny.

LENNY
Sorry, Freddie.
(beat)
Do you have any idea how to drive
people away from the train? Help me
a little!

FREDDIE
OK,OK... I'll try to come up with
something...
(beat)
Do you remember when we were high
schoolers and we put two skunks
into the ventilation shaft?

LENNY
Oh yeah!!! Our principal ordered
total evacuation!

EXT. TRAIN STATION – DAY

Acela Express pulls into a station, stops and disgorges

hundreds of passengers pinching their noses closed and
fanning their faces. Even the two engineers evacuate in a
hurry.
Seeing this, Lenny runs up to the locomotive, gets in,
pulls a lever and quickly jumps out. The empty express
starts rolling but hardly anyone notices.

EXT. RAILROAD INTERSECTION – MOMENTS LATER

We see an electric freight train going. In the train's way

there is washing hanging on the electrical wire.
As the locomotive goes under the washing, the pantograph
 42.

(the arm for collecting electricity) comes off and the

train stops at the intersection. A beefy engineer gets off
to look at the damage. Mr. Socket appears. He totes a
toolbox.

MR. SOCKET
Hi! I'm an electrician and I'm
going to repair your locomotive!

ENGINEER
Really?! You're a real godsend!!!

The beefy engineer runs up to Mr. Socket and gives him a

big hug. We hear a crackle. Mr. Socket grabs his shoulder
in pain. He pulls out his cell phone and hastily transfers
$5000 into Lenny's account.
Mr. Socket tinkers with the pantograph.
The engineer grows impatient and looks down at his watch.

ENGINEER
Well hurry it up! There will be
Acela Express in twenty minutes!
(beat)
Shit! I gotta warn them!

The engineer shoves his hand into his pocket, whips out his
cell phone and hits speed dial.

INT. ACELA EXPRESS – MOMENTS LATER

The superfast Acela Express is speeding. There are no

people on board but several skunks. The locomotive, with no
one at the controls, is occupied by two skunks too. The
dispatch radio crackles to life.

DISPATCHER (V.O.)
Acela Express, come in, Acela
Express! Stop the train!!! I
repeat, stop the train!!!

EXT. RAILROAD INTERSECTION – MOMENTS LATER

We see the electric freight train standing at the

intersection.
The engineer is very anxious, impatiently paces back and
forth with the phone to his ear.

ENGINEER
(into phone)
Shit! Tell'em to stop the express!
 43.

(beat)
You must get in touch with them,
otherwise a terrible accident will
happen there!!! People will die!!!
(beat)
If you can't stop the train you
could at least cut off the power in
that wire so that Acela will lose
some speed!

The engine driver approaches Mr. Socket tinkering with the

pantograph.

ENGINEER
C'mon! Be quick!

MR. SOCKET
Don't rush me! I'm aching all over
- you almost broke my arm!

Suddenly, they see the express coming at them. The

engineer's breath is taken away. Mr. Socket climbs onto the
locomotive's roof.

MR. SOCKET
I must save them!!!

Mr. Socket grabs the overhead wire. Sparks are flying as

Mr. Socket acts as a human pantograph. The electric freight
train moves away from the intersection, dodging Acela
Express at the last moment. Mr. Socket drops dead.

INT. HEARSE – SOME HOURS LATER

The clunker-hearse drives down a street. Lenny's behind the

wheel and Freddie's in the passenger seat. They smoke
joints.

LENNY
Our country needs heroes like Mr.
Socket!

FREDDIE
It's not funny! He was convinced
that he was saving people! Nobody
would like to give their life for a
herd of skunks!

LENNY
 44.

Maybe somebody from Greenpeace...

FREDDIE
Are skunks on the endangered
species list?

LENNY
Yeah. They don't tolerate air
pollution.

FREDDIE
So... so they destroy themselves?!

LENNY
Life is harsh. Collapse is
imminent.

FREDDIE
It looks like Mr. Socket's death
was really in vain...

LENNY
Of course not! We got 10 grand for
it! I love this job!
(beat)
We must check if there are more
moneyed suicidal nuts like Socket!

FREDDIE
We could start a suicide prevention
hotline and help people. I always
wanted to help people!

LENNY
Nice idea! But our hotline must be
a real money-maker!

FREDDIE
Why not!

Lenny flicks on the radio as they drive away.

INT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE, LENNY'S DIGS - DAY

A newspaper opened to an ad lies on a table. Close up on

the full-page ad headlined “Premium Suicide Hotline 0-777
SUICIDE”. The micro-fine print, buried at the very bottom
of the page, reads, "$10 a second of connection time”.
Lenny and Freddie sit behind the rickety table. They smoke
joints. There are two phones on the table.
 45.

LENNY
I paid through the nose for the
line number and the ad so we must
make up for it as soon as
possible...

One phone rings. Freddie picks up the receiver. The phone

cord is all tangled.

FREDDIE
(into phone)
Hello! What seems to be the
trouble?
(beat)
You should try hypnosis. It can
help with problems from anxiety to
pain. Trust me. I studied medicine.
(beat)
Now lay back and relax. Count to
10.
(beat)
Then count to 100.
(beat)
Your eyelids become heavy. They
close. May you tell me what you are
thinking about right now?
(beat)
C'mon, don't be shy...
(beat)
Hello? Are you there? Hello!
(to Lenny)
Shit! I put him to sleep.

Freddie is about to hang up the phone when Lenny stops him.

LENNY
Wait! Did he hang up the phone?

FREDDIE
No...

LENNY
So let's hold the line...

FREDDIE
Man! It's like robbing somebody in
their sleep!

LENNY
 46.

Exactly... Life is harsh.

Freddie shakes his head in disgust at the whole situation.

INT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE, LENNY'S DIGS – SOME DAYS LATER

An interior decorator inscribes hieroglyphs on the wall of

Lenny's digs.
Some ten strapping overalls-clad guys carry a big water bed
(filled with water) into Lenny's room. Afterwards, they
carry in a big-screen TV set, the playstation, 4 Egyptian
mummies, Tutankhamen's sarcophagus and a big pharaoh ant
farm.
Lenny tips them all handsomely.
Mrs. Grifter stands there gawking at these doings.
Lenny puts his arm into his ant farm and allows the ants to
walk upon his hand.

LENNY
(to ants)
My little, busy pharaoh ants.
Beware of Mrs. Grifter. She hates
insects.

He stretches out in the sarcophagus.

EXT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE - DAY

A dump truck carrying tons of chicken scraps pulls up to

Mrs. Grifter's bungalow. With hand signals, Lenny directs
the trucker toward the window of Mrs. Grifter's room. The
window bursts open when the driver empties his truck into
Mrs. Grifter's room, just as she is watching “Bold and
Beautiful”. Some 5 tons of leftovers.
Lenny stands by the window.

LENNY
Mrs. Grifter, I owed you a rather
sizable debt of leftovers. You get
everything back with 1000 percent
interest.

Mrs. Grifter gives a gasp and faints from shock.

EXT. TALL OFFICE BUILDING, ROOF - DAY

A trembling businessman is teetering on the edge of the

roof of a skyscraper. He is on the verge of jumping to his
death, staring into the abyss. He pulls out his cell phone.
 47.

INT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE, LENNY'S DIGS - CONTINUOUS

Lenny and Freddie sit behind a luxurious desk. Our desk

jockeys look at the phones expectantly. One phone rings.
Freddie answers.

FREDDIE
(into phone)
Hello! And welcome to Premium
Suicide Hotline. How may I help
you?
(beat)
Don't do this! Life is beautiful.
Every day brings new exciting
challenges. Every moment can
surprise you. Your whole life can
change overnight! One day you may
be a garbage sleeping in a dumpster
while another day you may get a job
as a garbage man and start living
the American Dream!
(beat)
You must be self-confident! Believe
in yourself! This is the first
step to the success. Don't stand
still and blame life for everything
– make the step forward! It's as
easy as falling off a log.
(beat)
Just make the step!

LENNY
Wow! You delivered a speech
befitting a president!

EXT. TALL OFFICE BUILDING, ROOF - CONTINUOUS

We see the guy jump off the skyscraper.

INT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE, LENNY'S DIGS - CONTINUOUS

The line goes dead, just like the man.

FREDDIE
He could at least thank me...

Lenny's phone rings. Lenny picks up the receiver.

LENNY
(into phone)
 48.

Hello! How are you?

(beat)
(to Freddie)
Freddie, is it possible to die of a
contraceptive pills overdose?

Freddie shakes his head no.

LENNY
(into phone)
I'm afraid that you should try
something stronger.
(beat)
I don't know... Maybe a toilet
cleaner...

Lenny holds the receiver far away from his head.

LENNY (CONT'D)
(into phone)
Can you repeat it slowly?
I can't hear you very well. Maybe
the signal is disrupted or
something...
(beat)
How do you spell it?
(a very long beat)
Can you spell it again?
(a very long beat)
A for Andrew, S for Susan, S for
Susan, H for Harry, O for Oprah, L
for Lenny, E for Eddie.

FREDDIE
What are you doing?!

LENNY
(to Freddie)
I'm trying to keep the conversation
going.

Freddie buries his head in his hands.

EXT./INT. A CALLER'S HOUSE - DAY

A mailman gives a fat phone bill to a skinny man in his

fifties. The phone bill reads: “Premium Suicide Hotline 0-
777 SUICIDE ---------- $66 600”. The man's jaw is
practically on the floor. His forehead begins to glisten
with perspiration. Then he slowly backs into the house. He
 49.

slides down onto the couch, deflated, holding the bill

before his eyes. He pulls a drawer and takes out a .44
magnum revolver. The man presses the gun to his temple. We
hear the metallic click-clack of the gun being cocked. He
fires twice.

INT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE, LENNY'S REFURBISHED DIGS - DAY

An orgy is taking place. Lenny, in a flowery shirt and

Bermuda shorts, is splayed in his sarcophagus with a sexy
chick. They devour lobsters which dribble sauce all over
their shirts.
Freddie, also in a flowery shirt and Bermuda shorts, lies
on the water bed with another chick feeding him grapes.

LENNY
I'll get some drinks...

Lenny hauls himself out of the sarcophagus and steps on a

condom, which oozes its contents onto the floor and sends
him tumbling backward.

LENNY
Freddie! And we call it safe sex...

FREDDIE
Shit, I feel so bloated. To burn
off these calories I would have to
run for 3 hours or walk for 5.

LENNY
Or sit in front of the TV for 50.

FREDDIE
Good idea!

Lenny turns the TV on. Freddie takes a toothpick out of a

remarkable box and starts to clean his teeth. He notices an
astronomical price labeled on the box.

FREDDIE
300 bucks for a box of toothpicks?!

LENNY
They aren't ordinary ones! These
toothpicks are handmade from a tree
growing only on the sides of the
most unreachable mountain in Andes.

The chicks get money and exit. Lenny and Freddie wave them
 50.

off.

FREDDIE
You are spending money like it's
going out of fashion! Maybe we
should economize on some things.
It's been two months and we didn't
get any new portion of dough.

LENNY
That's strange. We work as hard as
ever. I think the global recession
is to blame for it.

Suddenly, the door bell starts to ring, persistently. There

is a forceful knock at the door.

LENNY
What the hell?!

A hulking obese man in his forties batters the door down

and gets in.
Our boys recoil in terror and jump to their feet.

FAT MAN
I finally tracked you down,
inglorious bastards! You told my
wife to drink a toilet cleaner and
she died!

LENNY
She was seeking advice and I gave
her one...

FAT MAN
Shut up or I'll flatten you! You
see the phone bill?! 45 grand! I'm
gonna do to you the same what I'm
gonna do with this bill!

The fat man tears the bill up and eats it. The bill is 100
pages long, hard to swallow and simply inedible.

The fat man's face pales as he starts to choke and cough.

He sinks to the floor and writhes in agony, emitting a
disturbing death rattle. He's choked to death.

FREDDIE
I must resuscitate him!
 51.

LENNY
You crazy?! His death means our
life!

FREDDIE
Sorry... It was simply reflexive.

The fat man stops to move. Freddie takes his pulse while
Lenny kicks him to make sure he is dead.

FREDDIE
He is completely dead... Any ideas
what to do next?

LENNY
Let's bury him!

EXT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE, GARDEN - NIGHT

Lenny and Freddie bury the man in the garden under the
cover of darkness. They wear the same garish Bermuda shorts
and flowery shirts, barely seen in the moonlight.

FREDDIE
We should take a bit more care of
our clients. If they commit suicide
who's gonna pay the phone bills?

LENNY
You have a point. Good client is an
alive client.

FREDDIE
Don't you think that our clothes
are a bit brash for a funeral?

LENNY
C'mon... What we're doing isn't a
conventional funeral – it's a
quiet, low-key affair.

INT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE, LENNY'S DIGS - DAY

Lenny plays Mortal Combat on playstation in his room,

sitting in a comfy armchair. We hear blood-curdling
screams. Freddie is on the phone. He smokes weed.

FREDDIE
(into phone)
Euthanasia?! Why?
 52.

(beat)
There are so many things you can do
at your retirement home. You can
play chess... You can... You know
what? Kill the time, not yourself!
(beat)
You're right. Receiving
suppositories isn't as exciting as
sex.
(beat)
I won't let you die of sex-
starvation.
(beat)
Maybe I will take you to Tijuana?
(beat)
OK, I'll be your tour guide! I know
all the fleshpots in this city.
(beat)
Everything is negotiable. You can
pay after the trip!
(beat)
See you!

EXT. RETIREMENT HOME - DAY

A charter bus pulls in front of the retirement home called

“ETERNAL LIFE RETIREMENT HOME”. Some 25 android-like old
men jump on the board.
The nun runs out of the home, screaming.

NUN
You are going to the hell!!!

OLD MAN 1
Exactly! Mexican girls are hot like
hell!

The bus peels out.

INT. CHARTER BUS – MOMENTS LATER

We are traveling fast. Freddie sits just next to the

driver.

OLD MAN 1
If I must die I want to die of
syphilis! Ha ha ha!

OLD MAN 2
What a heroic death! Will that be
 53.

inscribed on your headstone?

The old man 1 gazes at Freddie and a look of remembrance

flickers across his face.

OLD MAN 1
Freddie, I could swear I have seen
you somewhere before, but I don't
remember where... Fucking
Alzheimer's.

FREDDIE
Maybe on TV...

OLD MAN 1
Maybe...

The bus drives past a topless car wash.

FREDDIE
(to bus driver)
Turn back. It's time for a warm-up!

The bus pulls into the topless car wash.

OLD MAN 1
Yeah! You were on that bus when my
friend was killed... You were
sitting at the wheel... or you
were...

Freddie is genuinely frightened by these words. He

discreetly retreats and takes to his heels.
Agape in excitement, all the old men lick the windows as
the topless girls wash the bus.

INT. TOPLESS CAR WASH - CONTINUOUS

Topless girl 1 holds an empty can and shows it to her

workmate.

TOPLESS GIRL 1
We've run out of beeswax!

TOPLESS GIRL 2
I have a jar of honey. It's also
produced by bees.

She brings a jar of honey. Topless girl 1 takes some honey

on her fingers.
 54.

TOPLESS GIRL 1
It's even more glistening!

The girls smear the body of the bus with honey. The bus
pulls out of the car wash.

INT. CHARTER BUS – MOMENTS LATER

The bus winds its way along a mountain road.

OLD MAN 1
(to himself)
I have a feeling that somebody is
missing... Bloody Alzheimer's!

Some bees fly into the bus.

EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - CONTINUOUS

The bus travels down a switch back road. Out of the blue, a
swarm of bees come flocking to cover the bus.
The bus driver turns on windshield wipers, but to no avail
– he can't see anything. The bus hits a barrier and tumbles
down the cliff, bouncing two times before it explodes.

Far, far away, Freddie hails a cab and doesn't even notice
the smoke of the bus exploding.

EXT. BUSY STREET – DAY

Lenny and Freddie walk around the sidewalk carrying the

playstation and TV. There is a label on the TV: 666$.
Passers-by steer clear of them.

LENNY
Do you think it's time to shut down
our hotline?

FREDDIE
I'm afraid so...

Everybody gives them a wide berth.

LENNY
(to passers-by)
Dirt cheap equipment! Dirt cheap
equipment! Dirt cheap...
(to Freddie)
You're holding it upside down. Turn
 55.

it!

Freddie rotates the TV around, right side up. Now the label
reads $999. Immediately, two guys approach our boys to buy
the equipment.

LENNY
(to Freddie)
Remember. If you wanna sell
something put in the price as many
nines as possible.

INT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE, LENNY'S DIGS – MOMENTS LATER

Lenny and Freddie enter their room. Lenny counts up the

money.
One phone rings.

LENNY
That will be our last call...

Lenny puts the money into his pocket and picks up the
phone. Freddie throws himself on the sofa and watches Lenny
talk.

LENNY
Hello.
(beat)
That isn't reason enough to commit
suicide. Many people can't sing or
play the guitar.
(beat)
Don't be so hard on yourself.
(beat)
Really? You are a grandson of Jimi
Hendrix?
(beat)
You are over 30 years old?! Man,
you should have started playing the
guitar in your embryo stage,
strumming your umbilical cord! Now
it's too late for guitar lessons.
(beat)
But you can follow in your father's
footsteps! Just burn down your
guitar.
(beat)
It's difficult to promote a ham-
handed deaf pseudo-guitarist,
unless you have money to burn.
 56.

(beat)
You have the dough?!
(beat)
Yes, yes, OK, sure, of course, OK,
yes...
(beat)
It's not gonna be a problem.
Beethoven continued to compose
after he lost his hearing.
(beat)
Yeah. He composed some pieces for
dog whistle. You know - it's almost
inaudible to the human ear! There
is also a rock group called “Deaf
Tones” or something like that.
(beat)
We are waiting for you! See you!

Lenny hangs up.

LENNY (CONT'D)
Freddie! We are saved!

EXT. MRS. GRIFTER'S HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER

A white stretch limo with darkened windows draws up before

Mrs. Grifter's bungalow.
Lenny and Freddie come out of the building. A chauffeur
opens the door of the limousine for them. They climb into
the limo. The limousine speeds off.

INT. LIMO - CONTINUOUS

There is a 30-year-old man (Johnnie Hendrix) in the

passenger seat.

JOHNNIE
Hello guys. I'm Johnnie Hendrix. I
am my grandfather's only grandchild
and inheritor.

EXT./INT. JOHNNIE'S MANSION – MOMENTS LATER

The limo pulls up to a lavish mansion. Johnnie, Lenny and

Freddie climb out. They enter the building.
It's lavishly furnished with modern style furnitures and
mod cons, including a very-big-screen TV set, a hi-fi
equipment with state-of-the-art speakers, a modern side-by-
side fridge with TV, a tanning bed etc. A poodle barks at
our boys.
 57.

JOHNNIE
(to the dog)
Dildo... Dildo! Calm down! They are
our friends.

FREDDIE
This dog is called “Dildo”?! Why?!

LENNY
“Dildo” is an ancient Mayan
expression for the best friend!

JOHNNIE
Exactly! How did you know?!

LENNY
I'm an... Archeology is my passion!

JOHNNIE
(delighted)
You are the first person to know
the origin of my dog's name!
(beat)
Care for something to drink?

LENNY
Dom Perignon, please.

FREDDIE
The same.

Our boys sit in comfy armchairs and push some buttons on

the armrests making the seats unfold.
Lenny and Freddie look appraisingly around the living room
and scan the furnishings, exchanging sidelong glances.
A butler enters with a champagne bucket, gently uncorks the
bottle and pours the champagne into three slender sparkling
crystal glasses. Our boys and Johnnie sips the champagne.

FREDDIE
Nice home... but the furnishings
break the rules of Feng Shui.

JOHNNIE
Oh no!

LENNY
Many people suffer from a lack of
artistic power. The main culprits
are their own homes piled with
 58.

energy-consuming goods which block

the flow of the positive energy
chi.

JOHNNIE
So fix it! I will pay you!

LENNY
OK. We will do all we can to help
you!

EXT./INT. JOHNNIE'S MANSION – MOMENTS LATER

A large moving van pulls up to the mansion. Movers load the

truck with home appliances, including the big-screen TV
set, the hi-fi equipment, the modern fridge, the tanning
bed etc. Lenny and Freddie supervise them.

LENNY
(to Freddie)
Can I take the armchairs and the TV
set?

FREDDIE
Go ahead! I'll take the fridge and
the tanning bed.

After a while, the hallway and the living room we can see
are completely empty. Furniture, T.V., hi-fi equipment,
art, gone.

EXT. BUSY STREET/INT. NEW HEARSE - DAY

Lenny (as a driver) and Freddie swerve through traffic in a

stretch limo-like hearse, rapidly with no signals, nearly
causing accidents.

FREDDIE
Johnnie gave us so much money that
they could buy Lamborghini! Why the
hell did you buy this hearse?!

LENNY
You won't understand this!
(beat)
This is how I laugh at my past. I'm
a gravedigger who got rich! Really
crazy!

Our boys are accompanied by six scantily-clad hot chicks

 59.

with big boobs. Music is blaring from the radio. There's a

casket in the rear of the vehicle. The casket holds a huge
loudspeaker from Johnnie's home.

FREDDIE
Let's try out our new subwoofer!

One chick closes the casket. We hear booming basses.

FREDDIE
Johnnie's hi-fi sounds great in our
car, doesn't it?

LENNY
Yeah!
(beat)
Are you happy with the tanning bed?

FREDDIE
Oh man, I have a non-stop
striptease! Chicks wait in a long
line at my house because I offer
them it for free.

We hear a distinctive phone ring. Lenny fishes into his

breast pocket for a cell phone.

LENNY
(into phone)
Hello Johnnie! We're just
elaborating the strategy of
promotion with several seasoned
consultants. You know, they're
rather pricey - 400 bucks an hour
or 2000 a night.
(beat)
500 000 bucks?! Thanks... That will
certainly cover our expenses...

Lenny finishes the phone call, wide-eyed.

EXT./INT. BANK OF AMERICA, BUSY STREEET – MOMENTS LATER

The hearse pulls up in front of the bank. Lenny climbs out.

He enters the bank toting a briefcase. He fills it to
capacity with packets of hundreds. He leaves the bank and
climbs back into the hearse. The hearse peels out.

EXT. STREET – MOMENTS LATER

 60.

Betty walks down the street. She catches a fleeting glimpse

of Lenny and Freddie as they stop at a red traffic light,
but they fail to notice her and drive away.

BETTY
(to herself)
Lenny? Freddie?

ANGLE ON: Mrs. Grifter

Mrs. Grifter, with a cucumber mask on her face, observes

the hearse from a crane cabin.
As the hearse passes the crane, she spreads out a cobwebby
net across the street. Consequently, the hearse becomes
ensnared in the net and lurches to a halt.

INT. NEW HEARSE - CONTINUOUS

FREDDIE
What the fuck is that?!

LENNY
Maybe some kind of a speed trap!

FREDDIE
I know! It must be one of those
crazy heists!

EXT. STREET, BY THE CRANE - CONTINUOUS

Mrs. Grifter hoists the hearse by means of the crane.

Lenny, Freddie and the chicks cry for help.

Betty sees everything. She rushes to help our boys.

Betty hurriedly climbs up the crane. From our boys'
distance we can't tell who she is. She approaches the
crane's cabin.

BETTY
(to Mrs. Grifter)
Get them down!!!

MRS. GRIFTER
Get outta here!

An all-out fight ensues. As Mrs. Grifter struggles with

Betty, they both push control levers unintentionally
causing the jib to move chaotically.
Finally, Betty knocks Mrs. Grifter down, sending her
plummeting to land on the asphalt below.
 61.

Betty lowers the hearse.

The car peels the hell out of there.
Our boys even do not know who saved them because they
weren't able to spot the persons in the crane.

BETTY
(to herself)
Now we're even-steven, guys.

Betty climbs down the crane and disappears into crowd.

EXT. BUSY STREET – SOME DAYS LATER, DAY

Lenny and Freddie oversee kids putting up posters

advertising the guitar concert of Johnnie Hendrix:
admission free, free beer, recovery of travel expenses.
They stick them onto road signs and traffic lights,
obscuring them.

LENNY
(to Freddie)
These posters cannot be passed by
unnoticed! I've heard of a very
similar ad campaign a funeral home
spun. After that, they had much
more clients!

There are several spectacular car crashes – a real

demolition derby.

FREDDIE
Did you plan that? Was all that
something you planned?!

LENNY
Actually no...
(beat)
But creating some kind of a scandal
can launch a career of an unknown
artist...

A red-suit-clad tall Korean man with a long black hair

(Razor) gazes at one poster.

INT. RAZOR'S BATHROOM/ROOM/HALLWAY

In a bathroom, Razor is standing in front of a mirror

shaving himself with a straight razor. His face and chest.
Dry. No shaving cream or anything. We hear a screeching
sound. He even goes to the trouble of shaving his back.
 62.

Next, he splashes his body with a heavy alcohol aftershave

lotion.
He cleans his ears out with a six-inch nail.
In a room, he gets into a red suit and irons it on himself.
In a hallway, he pours thumbtacks into his red boots and
puts them on. A look of total pleasure on his face. Next,
he walks outside.

EXT. STADIUM – SOME HOURS LATER, DAY

We see Razor in the crowd assembled in front of a big

stage.
Everybody drinks beer. There are piles of beer cans.
Razor deftly cuts off the top of a beer can with his
straight razor and downs it.
Lenny and Freddie, wearing head-to-toe fireproof suits,
walk onto the stage.
Police officers arrive in the audience.

POLICE OFFICER 1
Let's take them!

POLICE OFFICER 2
Wait, there is free beer!

MAN FROM AUDIENCE 1

I totaled my new car because of
these fucking douchebags!

MAN FROM AUDIENCE 2

So did I. I'm gonna kill them!

MAN FROM AUDIENCE 1

Wait! Let's drink some beer before
that.

LENNY
(to audience)
Thank you for coming, we love you!
Get ready for a new musical
phenomenon!

FREDDIE
(to audience)
Ladies, Gentlemen and trannies, let
me introduce the hottest guitarist
in California. Please welcome
Johnnie Hendrix!

People watch, bursting with anger, as Johnnie wearing head-

 63.

to-toe fireproof suit materializes on the stage. Lenny

opens a bottle labeled “NAPALM” and empties it on Johnnie.
As he starts to play the guitar, he and his instrument
burst into flames.
We hear ear-splitting really terrible harsh and strident
discords.
All the people wince and cover their ears, shouting
obscenities. All but Razor. He is delighted.
Johnnie is ablaze. He dives into the crowd to land on a fat
woman, knocking her out cold. She catches the fire. The
crowd erupts into bedlam. People throw their clothes over
the fat woman to smother the flames but this doesn't help
any... The flames rapidly engulf the fat woman.

MAN FROM AUDIENCE 1

All you motherfuckers are gonna
pay!

Johnnie breaks for the stage. Lenny and Freddie lift him
bodily onto the stage.

LENNY
Let's bail!

The enraged crowd charges at Lenny, Freddie and Johnnie.

EXT. STREET – MOMENTS LATER

Lenny, Freddie and Johnnie run flat out along the street
pursued by the angry lynch mob.
Razor comes to the fore of the mob.
Our boys run around the corner. Lenny spots a manhole and
points his finger at it.

LENNY
There!

Lenny pops the cover off and all three boys leap into the
sewer.

INT. SEWER TUNNEL - CONTINUOUS

Lenny, Freddie and Johnnie wade in knee-deep wastewater

along the sewer tunnel.

LENNY
Don't worry, Johnnie. I feel your
pain. Things are not working out
exactly as we would like because
you still need more promotion.
 64.

JOHNNIE
Sure! I will become a famous guitar
hero as soon as I burn down some
more fat women!

FREDDIE
Come on. It was merely an accident
at work.

LENNY
We must modify the long-term
strategy of promotion.

EXT. STADIUM – CONTINUOUS

The stadium is completely empty. All that's left are heaps

of empty beer cans.

EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS

People march toward public toilets in droves. Multiple

toilet flushings are heard as we see the crowd starting a
siege of the restrooms.

INT. SEWER TUNNEL - CONTINUOUS

Our runaways wade in shallow wastewater.

LENNY
Johnnie, now you're an underground
artist.

JOHNNIE
I want go mainstream!

We hear the loud sounds of water rushing. A wave of

wastewater sweeps through the sewer. Freddie notices the
wave first.

FREDDIE
The mainstream is coming!

The wave washes over our three boys. They start swimming.
Lenny suddenly looks over his shoulder and sees Razor swim
just behind them. Razor holds an opened straight razor in
his teeth.

LENNY
Guys, watch out!
 65.

Freddie and Johnnie look over their shoulders in fear.

FREDDIE
Who is that nut?!

JOHNNIE
He'll cut our throats!!!

They swim like crazy. Then, they climb up a ladder and get
out through a manhole. Razor follows them.

EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS

Lenny, Freddie and Johnnie run for dear life along the
street. Razor chases after them. Suddenly, Lenny, Freddie
and Johnnie stop dead in their tracks – they are cornered -
it's a dead end.

FREDDIE
It's a dead end!

Lenny puts up his dukes.

LENNY
Guys! We outnumber him by three to
one!

After steeling themselves, in desperation, Lenny and

Freddie charge at Razor but he knocks them out cold with
judo chops. Only Johnnie remains scot-free.
Razor walks over to Johnnie and pulls out his straight
razor – Razor frightens the living daylights out of him.
Johnnie shucks and jives on the spot, flattening himself
against the wall.

RAZOR
Can I ask you for an autograph?

JOHNNIE
What?!

RAZOR
I want your autograph. Nobody ever
hurt my eardrums so badly as you
did!

JOHNNIE
I don't know whether to take it as
a compliment or what...
 66.

RAZOR
Cut your autograph into my back!

Razor gives his straight razor to Johnnie and turns his

back on him. Next, he uncovers his back.

JOHNNIE
But it can lead to a terrible
infection...

Lenny slowly opens his eyes but still lies dazed.

RAZOR
I like infections! C'mon! If you do
it, I will take you on a concert
tour of North Korea!

JOHNNIE
A concert tour?! OK!

Johnnie cuts his autograph into Razor's back. Razor looks

like he is having an orgasm.

EXT./INT. AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY

Lenny and Freddie head for an airport.

LENNY
North Korea or bust!

FREDDIE
You sure? I don't know if that's
such a great idea. North Korea
isn't too hospitable.

LENNY
We must recover Johnnie. We need
his bajillions! It's dangerous but
worth the risk.

They walk over to a ticket window.

LENNY
Good morning, ma'am. I'd like to
inquire about flights to North
Korea. Could you tell me about the
flight availability?

The booking clerk stares at Lenny like he's out of his

 67.

mind.

BOOKING CLERK
I'm sorry, but we don't have any
one-way tickets to black holes.
It's not the Kennedy Space Center.

We see a check-in counter and sign reading "Place your

knives, guns, bombs, artificial limbs, pacemakers and any
other metal objects in the plastic box for inspection”.
An old man rips his pacemaker out and bang! He collapses on
the floor.

EXT./INT. MILITARY BASE, ENTREPOT - NIGHT

By night, Lenny and Freddie climb over a fence and sneak

into a storehouse, flashlights in hands. There are large
containers labeled “humanitarian aid to North Korea”.

LENNY
Here is our business class.

Freddie opens several containers and looks into them.

FREDDIE
There's the menu.
(beat)
Rice Krispies...
(beat)
Smoked bacon...
(beat)
Gouda cheese...
(beat)
And edible lingerie.
What would you like, sir?

LENNY
Could I have Rice Krispies, please?

Freddie jumps into the container holding Rice Krispies.

FREDDIE
Excellent choice! These are very
comfortable!

EXT. MILITARY BASE - DAY

A soldier drives in a forklift truck carrying the container

labeled “humanitarian aid to North Korea”. The forklift
disappears into a transport plane. The Hercules hurtles
 68.

down the runway, gathering speed and takes off.

EXT. SOMEWHERE OVER CLOUDS - DAY

We see the Hercules flying over the ocean and then over a
land.

LENNY (O.S.)
Shit! The lid is locked. I gotta
take a whiz somewhere.

FREDDIE (O.S.)
Hold it. Tibetan monks are able to
retain their urine for over a week.

LENNY (O.S.)
I can't hold it. I'm about to
explode. Sorry...

FREDDIE (O.S.)
Oh no! It's awful! Urine-flavored
Rice Krispies...

EXT. PASTURE LAND - DAY

The Hercules drops the container. The parachute opens. The

container lands on a muzzled cow, knocking it out cold.
Five Korean soldiers gather around the container. They wear
fatigues camouflaged with green twigs.
Lenny and Freddie climb out of the container and stretch.
The soldiers point their guns at our boys.

SOLDIER
Get your hands up!

LENNY
Relax, man! We have here very tasty
Rice Krispies for you!

FREDDIE
Just add some milk!

SOLDIER
But you've just killed my cow!

LENNY
Really?

FREDDIE
You can also eat these krispies
 69.

with a fruit mousse...

SOLDIER
Manacle them!

The soldiers cuff our boys' hands and put shackles on their
feet.

INT. BUNKER – MOMENTS LATER

The soldiers march Lenny and Freddie into a bunker. There

is a bookshelf with very fat books by Kim Jong-Il.
Several soldiers pore over tomes entitled: Erotic Self
Massage Techniques. Vol. 3, Reliable Tips on Hamster
Breeding. Vol. 2, Mastering the Art of Knitting. Vol. 5.

LENNY
Why are they reading this shit?

And with that a solider rifle butts Lenny. Lenny bends over
and grimaces in pain.

SOLDIER
How dare you! These are
masterpieces written by our Great
Father Kim Jong-Il!

INT. DUNGEON – MOMENTS LATER

Lenny and Freddie stand chained to the wall in a dungeon.

There is one soldier with them. He is camouflaged with
green twigs.

SOLDIER
Who the fuck are you?

FREDDIE
I studied medicine but worked as
gravedigger and sex worker. I'm
skilled in taxidermy. Now I am a
promoter who also saves suicidal
individuals.

SOLDIER
You are very versatile. Just like a
good spy! And you?

LENNY
I am an archeologist but I was a
digger... that is a gravedigger. I
 70.

dissuade people from suicide. I

also work as a promoter.

SOLDIER
Well, well, well, another spy.
Who do you both work for?

LENNY
For us!

SOLDIER
Very funny.
(beat)
Do you mind if I call a torturer?

LENNY
I'm against.

FREDDIE
So am I.

LENNY
Sorry, but you've been outvoted.

SOLDIER
Send in the torturer!
You will experience the power of
our newest energy-saving torture
machine!
(beat)
We switched over to a new one
because of exorbitant electricity
bills and also because the soldiers
had been using the former model all
the time to build their stomach
muscles. A special envoy found in
your country a really diabolic
instrument of torture. It inflicts
pain equal to 10 000 volts
consuming only 160 volts. Scary,
isn't it? Call me when you’re
willing to reveal your facts.

The soldier unveils two huge loudspeakers and exits. The

electric-guitar-wielding Johnnie Hendrix enters the
chamber. Johnnie dummies up seeing our boys.

LENNY FREDDIE
Johnnie?!
 71.

Their eyes go wide.

JOHNNIE
Guys?! what the hell are you doing
here?

Johnnie starts playing the guitar. Lenny and Freddie cover

their ears.

LENNY
We've come here to rescue you!

JOHNNIE
Yeah, you and whose army?

FREDDIE
Don't worry. Maybe we will be able
to hire some local folks.

JOHNNIE
But they detest me. They'd rather
scalp me.

LENNY
Why?

JOHNNIE
'Cause nobody likes my music!
(beat)
I hate this job!

LENNY
Well...
(beat)
How much do you earn?

JOHNNIE
I work on an unpaid trial basis.

INT. DUNGEON – NEXT DAY

Lenny and Freddie stand chained to the wall in the dungeon.

We hear cows mooing. The green-twigs-camouflaged soldier
enters. He carries two little bowls of grass.

SOLDIER
Here you go. This is your
breakfast, lunch and supper. You
will only look at it because you
 72.

don't want to collaborate.

LENNY
We're not gonna tip you.

The soldier puts the bowls down in front of the boys. They
can't even reach them.

SOLDIER
Of course you will get another can
of torture for dessert.

The soldier exits and our electric guitar-wielding Johnnie

Hendrix enters the chamber. He starts playing the guitar.
Lenny and Freddie cover their ears.

FREDDIE
(to Johnnie)
Why are these cows lowing so terribly?

JOHNNIE
They're famished.

FREDDIE
Why?

JOHNNIE
Kim Jong-Il ordered people to feed
only on grass while cows has been
forbidden from eating grass. It's a
Green Revolution or something like
this...

FREDDIE
That's strange...

LENNY
Give the spades!

Johnnie pulls out two spades from behind his guitar and
unchains our boys.

JOHNNIE
There is the South Korean border
some 2 miles away but it's
protected by mine fields and barbed
wire fences.

LENNY
OK. Can you tell me where the cows
 73.

are?

JOHNNIE
Cows? Next door.

LENNY
How many?

JOHNNIE
Dozens...

LENNY
Great! Dozens of starved cows!

FREDDIE
Let's set off unrest among them!

LENNY
Yeah! These cows must be aching for
something green...

Lenny and Freddie begin to dig.

Johnnie is stupefied. He starts playing the dead march.

INT. COWSHED – SEVERAL HOURS LATER

Lenny and Freddie tunnel their way into the cowshed.

Johnnie follows them.

LENNY
It's time to feed our cows!

They take the muzzles off the cows and drive the cattle out
of the shed, making the herd stampede.
The enraged cows charge at the soldiers camouflaged with
green twigs. The cows pounce upon them and tear to pieces.
Lenny, Freddie and Johnnie hop on three cows and ride like
jockeys.
Our boys are in the middle of the cattle drive. The cows
trample and shred all the green-twigs-camouflaged soldiers
standing in their way.
Our cowboys head for the border.
The front cows get blown to bits, but the rest of the herd
keeps on running. The speeding herd clears a way through
the minefield and barbed wire fences. The front cows fall
dead. Dozens of cows cross the border.
Suddenly, Johnnie falls off his cow to land on a land mine.
It explodes. The explosion blasts his arms. He lies on the
ground, unconscious.
Lenny and Freddie jump off their cows and rush to rescue
 74.

Johnnie. Freddie tears his shirt off and applies

tourniquets to Johnnie's limbs. Lenny reaches down and
picks up Johnnie from the ground. Lenny pulls Johnnie up
over his shoulder, then runs. Freddie takes Johnnie's torn
arms.

LENNY
Help me carry him!

FREDDIE
I must take the arms! They probably
can re-attach them!

Our boys cross the border. They follow the beaten path made
by the cattle.

EXT. ESTABLISHING SHOT OF A HOSPITAL, SOUTH KOREA – DAY

Korean folk music plays for a while.

SUPER: SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY

Johnnie lies unconscious in bed hooked up to lots of

monitoring equipment creating an unbearable cacophony. His
arms are missing - just stubs.
Lenny and Freddie stand by the bed. A Korean surgeon with
thick glasses appears to examine Johnnie.

LENNY
Will he play the guitar?

SURGEON
Unfortunately his own arms are so
badly ground that they can only be
consigned to Whiskas. Even if his
body accepts any transplanted arms,
even if we manage to transplant
arms of Slash, he will not regain
his complete manual dexterity very
soon and will be rather ham-handed
for at least 2 years.

LENNY
So everything will be back to
normal...

SURGEON
There is also a risk that he may go
 75.

blind.

FREDDIE
Why? What do the arms have to do
with the eyes?

SURGEON
It's a newly identified side effect
called “stray fork syndrome”.

FREDDIE
What?!

SURGEON
A man after hand transplant failed
to guide the fork into his mouth
while eating an omelet and... You
know...

FREDDIE
What about the ultramodern
automatic nuclear artificial limbs?

SURGEON
These are characterized by much
higher precision...

The surgeon unveils a dummy with artificial arms attached.

He puts on long wireless glove controllers. The artificial
limbs accurately copy the movements of surgeon's arms.
The surgeon puts a nunchaku into the dummy's hands.
Afterwards, he takes another nunchaku. The surgeon
skillfully brandishes nunchaku, twirling them around his
body. The dummy does the same simultaneously - just like
his mirror image. Lenny and Freddie stare mouth-agape wide
eyed. Suddenly, the surgeon hits himself in his own
forehead, badly hurting it. The same happens to the dummy.

SURGEON
Ups... Don't worry - we're in a
hospital - a perfect place for a
contusion!

The surgeon opens a drawer and pulls out two surgical

needles and threads. He puts a needle and thread into the
dummy's hands. The surgeon threads his needle. The dummy
also threads the needle. The surgeon sutures his head
wound.

LENNY
 76.

We buy it!

SURGEON
Very good choice! What color do you
prefer?

FREDDIE
Flesh-colored...

SURGEON
Sure... Flesh-colored. That will
make an excellent match with the
skin.

Johnnie comes around. He notices he has no arms.

JOHNNIE
My arms... Where are my arms?!

SURGEON
We've just burned them down in our
crematory.

JOHNNIE
Why?!

SURGEON
They were dead, completely useless.

JOHNNIE
You're cruel! You've cut my arms
off only because they can't play
the guitar?!

LENNY
You've lost your arms 'cause you
landed on a mine! Don't you
remember?

JOHNNIE
Shit! Can somebody fix it? I will
pay you!

EXT. SOMEWHERE OVER CLOUDS - DAY

We see Boeing 747 flying over the ocean and then over a
land.

EXT. BUSY STREET – DAY

 77.

We're back in California. The lightning-fingered Ron plays

the guitar in front of a store window.
A stretch limo-like hearse pulls up next to him. Lenny
jumps out of the car and throws a packet of hundreds into
the guitar case.
Ron stops playing. He is mouth-agape wide eyed. He does a
double take - he can't believe it's Lenny.

LENNY
Hello Ron. How are you?

RON
Man! You sold all your internal
organs?!

LENNY
You're underestimating me. I'm
worth much more than my body. Ron,
there is a lot of money to be
earned.

Lenny asks him into the limo but Ron shakes ,,no”.

RON
Look, man, maybe you can live
without your entrails but I'm
rather attached to my vitals so try
to find another sucker.

LENNY
But it's not about trafficking in
organs! You helped me so many
times. Now, I can help you. You get
to make money playing the guitar
together with Johnnie Hendrix - the
grandson of Jimi Hendrix! We're
organizing a great gig. We need
you!

RON
Johnnie Hendrix?! I saw his poster.

Ron points his finger at a wanted poster with Johnnie's

photo. It reads “BURNING TO DEATH, CAUSING FATAL CRASHES, ,
, , , , , WANTED BY FBI , , , , , , Johnnie Hendrix”.

LENNY
Oh shit!

RON
 78.

You wanna sucker me in it?

A kid affixes a poster advertising the concert of Johnnie

Hendrix (with the same photo) just next to the wanted
poster.

LENNY
(to the kid)
Hold on! Stop!

Lenny rushes to stop the kid from affixing posters. He

pulls out his phone and makes a call.

LENNY
(into phone)
Freddie, tell the kids not to put
up the posters anymore. We gotta
cancel the concert.

INT. RUN-DOWN STOREHOUSE - DAY

We're in a deserted storehouse. Johnnie, Lenny and Freddie

are sitting on rusty drums. Johnnie has shiny automatic
arms.

JOHNNIE
Is there anything else you can
botch up?! They seized my
properties and blocked bank
accounts. I've lost my arms in the
bargain. To make matters worse,
I've lost my great name, I can't
use it any longer 'cause they will
find me. It's time to kill
myself...

Freddie buries his head in his hands.

LENNY
Can we have your life insurance
money?

FREDDIE
(to Lenny)
Shut up! How low can you get?
(to Johnnie)
Johnnie, it doesn't mater what you
have, but who you are!

LENNY
 79.

(to himself,
in an undertone)
He is a zero with zero money...

Freddie takes Lenny aside.

FREDDIE
You're a capitalist pig without
human feelings! People aren't
carnivores which eat weaker
animals. We must help them! We must
help Johnnie!

LENNY
OK... On condition that it will
bring us some money...

EXT. BUSY STREET – DAY

Lenny in his limo-like hearse pulls up before Ron playing

the guitar in front of the store window. Lenny rolls down
the window, sitting at the wheel.

LENNY
Hi Ron!

RON
Go away. I'm not gonna do any deal
with you!

LENNY
You are so talented. It would be a
great pity if you lost a life...

RON
Are you trying to cow me?

LENNY
No, I just have serious concerns
about your safety. Do you know how
Jimi Hendrix died?

RON
Of a drug overdose...

LENNY
It's an official media release. In
fact, he was was killed by electric
shock.
 80.

RON
Bullshit!

LENNY
It's a very little known fact that
most guitarists die not of a drug
overdose but of short circuits in
their guitars! Trust me - I worked
as a gravedigger and saw many of
their bodies which showed signs of
electric shocks!

RON
Really?!

LENNY
Ron, I love you as my own brother.

RON
You never had a brother!

LENNY
It was only a figure of speech.
Look, I don't wanna lose you.
Please, wear always these
electrical insulating gloves.

Lenny gives him the glove controllers.

EXT. BUSY STREET – DAY

Johnnie, dressed as a homeless guy, plays guitar on the

street. He is as good as Slash. Passers-by throw money
handsomely into the guitar case. Lenny and Freddie count
the cash.

JOHNNIE
It's incredible! I get money for
playing! It's a miracle! God is
great! I love you! I love the whole
world!

LENNY
Remember that you go fify-fifty
with us.

FREDDIE
C'mon, don't spoil his joy right
now!
 81.

EXT. RON'S STREET/EXT. JOHNNIE'S STREET – DAY

Ron plays the guitar in front of the store window, glove

controllers on his hands. He can see, out of the corner of
his eye, a guy sneaking up on him. Ron plays as if nothing
is happening.
As the guy dives for the money in the guitar case, Ron hits
him with his guitar, knocking him out cold.

We intercut between Ron and Johnnie playing the guitar

somewhere else.
A mother and her small boy approach Johnnie.
The boy is about to throw a 5-dollar bill into the guitar
case when Johnnie's guitar hits his head. The child falls
unconscious.
The mother is apoplectic with rage and clenches her fists.

MOTHER
You motherfucker! What have you
done!?

Johnnie, Lenny and Freddie are dumbfounded but after a

while they take to their heels.
The mother points at Johnnie.

MOTHER
Catch him! He killed my child!

A crowd gathers around the dead kid and starts chasing

after Johnnie, Lenny and Freddie.

FADE TO BLACK.

THE END