BACK ISSUES "PILOT" By CHAS ANDRES

Writers Draft - 9/23/13 WGA Registration #: 1678282

candres@[Link] 617-872-5157 4377 Colfax Ave. #4 Studio City, CA 91604

EXT. STREETS OF CRIME CITY - NIGHT An ANIMATED SEQUENCE stylized with panels and speech bubbles. Were INSIDE A COMIC BOOK. An alarm RINGS as a masked woman - VEIL - runs out of an aquarium carrying a burlap sack with a dollar sign on it. A MUSCLE-BOUND HERO in dark blue tights - LIQUIDATOR - drops down in front her. LIQUIDATOR Halt, evildoer! VEIL Youll never catch me, Liquidator! Lightning CRACKLES from Liquidators hands. LIQUIDATOR BY THE POWER OF POSEIDON! Veil RUNS, but the wall of the aquarium BURSTS OPEN and a TIDAL WAVE of water and fish brings her back to Liquidator. Liquidator rips off Veils mask and lets out a GASP. LIQUIDATOR (CONTD) Veil? My love? But we have a condo together! You have my Netflix password! VEIL Oh Liquidator, didnt you know? Im a terrible girlfriend. Veil DISSOLVES INTO SHADOW and re-forms behind Liquidator. VEIL (CONTD) I was just using you for the amazing sex. She tries to hit him, but he blocks the punch. LIQUIDATOR You broke my heart. And the law. Now I must exile you to The Moon of Spiders. He throws Veil into a rocket that wasnt there a second ago.

2. VEIL Hey, where did LIQUIDATOR Goodbye forever! As it BLASTS OFF SMASH TO: INT. CARL MONTGOMERYS OFFICE - DAY LIVE ACTION. FELIX - the voice of Liquidator - sits across from CARL making BLAST-OFF SOUNDS and wildly gesticulating. 30-year-old Felix is nerdy, neurotic, romantic, and totally clueless. Carl is a no-nonsense type in his late forties. CARL You cant kill off Veil. FELIX Shes not dead - shes in exile. Shell grow old and die alone among the spiders. CARL (sighs) How are you doing, Felix? FELIX Fine! My lifes in shambles, but thats behind me. Should I take up sailing? CARL I dont really FELIX Raymond is a yachtsman you know. Melissa keeps saying that Im immature, but shes off playing hide the pickle with Steamboat Willie. CARL Im sorry to hear that Felix, but as your editor FELIX Veil is Melissa. I cant keep writing her.

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CARL So re-boot her. Liquidator too. Hes only capable of fighting crime if the bad guy is standing next to a large body of water. FELIX Thats what makes him compelling! Hes flawed. Mortal. Cunning. CARL Humans are seventy percent water, right? What if he can, you know Carl makes a STRANGLING MOTION, then mimes an EXPLOSION. FELIX Thats not what he does, okay? CARL Your book sold ninety-seven copies last month. This is becoming a charity case. FELIX So...bad time to ask for an advance? CARL (laughing) This is the comic book industry. Youre lucky we pay you anything. FELIX I need money, Carl. The shop is bleeding me dry. CARL I told you not to open that place. Nerds fall somewhere between Juggalos and lowland gorillas on the list of people you want to count on financially. Carl walks over to his door and opens it. CARL (CONTD) Youve got talent, Felix, but your window is closing fast. Get me something by Monday - something good - and Ill fight for you. Off Felix -

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INT. NERDVANA - DAY Nerdvana: a busy shop filled with rows of comic boxes, cases filled with action figures, and tables set up for gamers. NORI mans the register. Shes Asian-American, hot, disaffected, and a little bit punk. A damn proud geek. A NEW CUSTOMER approaches her at the counter. NEW CUSTOMER Cool shop. You guys been here long? NORI Long enough for me to hate the regulars. Nori points to the gaming tables. A fat guy WHEEZES and SNORTS while sorting through a stack of comics. NORI (CONTD) Thats Snorlax. Hes got sleep apnea, but only during the day. A couple, each wearing a leather dog collar, walk by grinning creepily at each other. NORI (CONTD) Thats the Creepertons. They dont even like comics, they just want me to sleep with them. Im undecided. Nori WINKS in their direction. Mrs. Creeperton gives her a creepy half-wave back, not noticing that shes about to walk into a baby-faced man staring at the figurines. NORI (CONTD) And thats The Smellman. Harmless. Just smelly. NEW CUSTOMER ...Ill just take this and go. NORI Good call. You havent even met Two Burrito Pete. God willing you never will. The new customer nods quickly and BOOKS IT OUT OF THE STORE. He nearly runs into Felix, who enters at the same time.

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FELIX Nori, if you scare off one more customer, Im going to hire that barista you hate. NORI Tiffany!? Felix, no! She doesnt even know who Galactus is! And shes so perky! Argh, I hate her! Suddenly, a commotion on the other side of the store. SULLY (O.S.) (Boston Masshole accent) What are you, retahded? Outta my shop! Felix dashes over to the gaming tables. A fat gamer wearing a green shirt is being herded toward the door at the point of a toy lightsaber by a tall, fit guy wearing a cabbie hat. This is SULLY, every inch a Boston townie. SULLY (CONTD) If I evah see you here again Felix gets between Sully and the gamer. FELIX Do we need to have the no weapons talk again!? SULLY Nah, Ill throw the bum out bare-handed. FELIX You catch him stealing? Sully gestures at the gamers green shirt. SULLY Worse - hes a Jets fan. FELIX ...thats it? SULLY Thats not enough? FELIX Do you see the New York Jets logo anywhere on his shirt, Sully?

6. They both look at the shirt again. Its unmistakably the Green Lantern symbol. FELIX (CONTD) Thats a Green Lantern shirt. Hes probably a Patriots fan. GREEN SHIRT GAMER Im actually a Ravens fan. Go Baltimore! Felix picks up the lightsaber, TURNS IT ON WITH A PFSHHHHHHHH, and hands it to Sully. FELIX Pick me up some Dunkin? SULLY You got it, boss. Felix walks back toward the counter while Sully POKES and HERDS the gamer out of the store. NORI rushes over. NORI Good news - the new Dungeons and Dragons stuff is here. Bad news - they stuck us with thirty copies of "The Complete Book of Sexy Gnomes." FELIX How are we doing on comics? NORI No ones buying the new Green Goblin, Green Hornet, or Green Arrow. We have enough copies of "Archie and Jughead" to wallpaper the moon. We did sell out of the X-Men where Professor X finally punches Cyclops for being a whiny little bitch, but thats because I bought four copies for myself. FELIX Do you like working here, Nori? NORI I love it. FELIX And if I offered to just give this place to you, you would -

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NORI - run away screaming. FELIX Just making sure. Felix drops his head to the counter, face-down. Nori drapes a comic book over his head. END TEASER

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ACT ONE INT. OREILLYS TAVERN - NIGHT The sort of hole-in-the-wall Irish pub Boston is famous for. FELIX and NORI sit together at a booth. Felix has his sketchbook out. He DRAWS. FELIX Im re-doing the whole issue. My editor said the whole spaceship-out-of-nowhere thing was too campy. NORI What are you replacing it with? FELIX Helicopter death match. NORI (deadpan) Much more realistic. FELIX How do you spell Ka-blooey? SULLY sits down with three beers. SULLY This place is so friggin sweet. My people do it up right! FELIX For the last time, Sully, youre not Irish. SULLY 1/16th on my mothers side. FELIX Your name is Ludwig Von Mueller. SULLY Not anymore! I had it legally changed, remember? Sully slaps down his drivers license. Nori picks it up.

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NORI (reading) Sullivan Yankees Suck OSullivan? SULLY Damn right they do! FELIX Thanks for the beers, OSullivan. This whole nights on you after buying that fake ninja sword for the shop. SULLY Fake? It cuts, dont it? FELIX Its stamped Akron, Ohio. SULLY What, is he a crap ninja? FELIX Have you ever actually sold anything? Since I hired you? SULLY Thats a hard question. FELIX It really shouldnt be. SULLY You know how in basketball its not all about the shots? Theres rebounds, steals, assists FELIX Sully, were a week away from going under NORI Wait, what? SULLY Weve gotta keep the shop open! Its all I got until my hockey goon career takes off. FELIX You cant skate.

10. SULLY I can fight. FELIX Next months rent is three thousand bucks. So if you have any ideas Nori lights up. FELIX (CONTD) - that dont involve me selling an organ, Im happy to hear them. NORI Hear me out. You have two kidneys FELIX - that I need for peeing. NORI Youre such a baby. You know who only needs one kidney? Batman. FELIX I must have missed that issue. NORI You could stand to be a little more like Batman, you know. FELIX (Christian Bale Batman voice) My parents are dead and my best friend is a clown. I am The Batman. NORI Your parents arent dead - they live in Fort Lauderdale. And doing the voice doesnt make you Batman. FELIX (Christian Bale Batman voice) It does during sex. (beat) If its dark enough. INT. NERDVANA - GAMING TABLES - DAY A busy afternoon at the store. A pair of TEENS sit at a table, playing a colorful card game. Sully and Nori walk over, flanking one of the teens like cops about to grill a suspect.

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SULLY Afternoon, gentlemen. TEEN #1 Afternoon. NORI Playing a card game, I see. TEEN #1 Yeah - Wizard Wars. Heard of it? The whole shop GOES SILENT and looks over at Sully and Nori. SULLY (to Nori) You think they missed the sign? NORI They missed the sign. TEEN #2 What sign? Sully gestures to A GIGANTIC SIGN hanging over the front door. It says "NO WIZARD WARS. PENALTY = DEATH." TEEN #1 (busted) Huh. I guess we missed the sign. SULLY Nori, please explain our zero tolerance policy on Wizard Wars. NORI Wizard Wars is the worst. First, it turns perfectly normal kids into evil hobgoblins. Observe. She picks up a Wizard Wars card and walks over to a polite, dapper TEN YEAR OLD browsing the comic shelves. NORI Hey bud, want a free card? TEN YEAR OLD Gee, thanks a bunch maam! The ten year olds eyes go WIDE as he clutches the card.

12. TEN YEAR OLD So shiny...so powerful...my...my precious. The ten year old starts hopping around the shop like Gollum, YOWLING and knocking stuff over. TEN YEAR OLD (CONTD) We must have more! More more more! Nori ignores him and turns back to the teens. NORI Second, anyone older than twelve who still plays Wizard Wars? Theyre up to something. TEEN #1 But Im not Sully tugs on the teens jacket sleeve. STOLEN CANDY and COMIC BOOKS tumble out. TEEN #2 RUN! The teens TAKE OFF. Sully starts to run after them, but Nori holds him back. NORI Forget it, Sully. Its Wizard Wars. Felix walks over. His eyes are bloodshot. He appears to have lost some hair. FELIX Guys? A little help? (sotto) Its Two Burrito Pete. INT. NERDVANA - COUNTER - CONTINUOUS Felix, Sully, and Nori walk up to their most infamous customer: TWO BURRITO PETE. Hes tall. Hes fat. Hes annoying. And - yes - he has a burrito in each hand. He alternates bites. FELIX Youve been here for all day! Youve got to buy something! Two Burrito Pete gestures toward a large pile of comics.

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TWO BURRITO PETE (chortles) Well it wont be those. All my comics are mint. This stack is near mint minus at best. He CHOMPS DOWN on one of the burritos, squirting a jet of sour cream onto the floor. Felix is about to lose it. FELIX Pack of gum, then? TWO BURRITO PETE What kinda rube do you think I am? My gum costs six cents a stick at the Sack-N-Suds. Your gum is seven cents a stick. SULLY Alright pal, three strikes and youre out. (shouts) Has anyone seen my softball bat? TWO BURRITO PETE Before your goon bludgeons me, Felix, we need to talk about Liquidator #32. I didnt like it. FELIX That issue isnt out yet. Are you going through my trash looking for free comics? TWO BURRITO PETE Liquidator still isnt blowing people up - its like youve never even read my blog. People are seventy percent water, you know. Plus, you cant kill Veil. The fan community will riot! FELIX The fan community is you and my mom. TWO BURRITO PETE And shes already distraught about the break-up. You mustnt ruin her favorite comic book.

14. FELIX You talked to my mom!? Geez, I havent even talked to her in TWO BURRITO PETE Three months, eleven days. Give her a call sometime, why dont you? Two Burrito Pete NOISILY FINISHES ONE OF HIS BURRITOS and pulls a replacement out of his fanny pack. FELIX Veils not coming back. TWO BURRITO PETE Please. Its a comic book. No one actually dies in comic books. NORI Hes right. They killed off Superman once a week in the nineties. TWO BURRITO PETE Hah! Superman has only died twice. Once in Action Comics #583 FELIX Are you going to buy anything today, Pete? TWO BURRITO PETE What does this look like, Amazon? FELIX So why are you here!? TWO BURRITO PETE (shrugs) Where else would I go? Felix marches over to the CASH REGISTER and pulls out all the money. Counts it. FELIX Weve made eleven dollars today. Thats it. Thats all the money I have in the entire world. NORI Thats so not true! She walks over and hands Felix a piece of paper.

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NORI (CONTD) Your editor this sent us your advance this morning. So thats another seventy-three cents. FELIX Out! All of you! Were closed. (a beat) Im finished. Lets go get sauced. SULLY Boo giving up your dreams. But yay drinking! Two Burrito Pete SIGHS and slaps SEVEN CENTS on the counter. TWO BURRITO PETE Fine! Stick of gum, please. INT. OREILLYS TAVERN - NIGHT Nori and Sully sip beers. Felix stares ahead, catatonic, DRUNK, a bottle of gin in front of him. Nori waves her hand in front of Felixs face. NORI Felix? You there, buddy? SULLY Dont bother. Hes drinking gin. Hell be moving on to the bad idea stage right about FELIX I should ask Melissa to marry me. Sully pulls Felixs phone out of his own pocket. SULLY Thats why I took away his phone when we got here. Felix makes a grab for Noris purse. She pulls it back. NORI Hey! Sully pulls Noris phone out of his other pocket.

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SULLY And thats why I took your phone too. Felix gets kind of grabby when hes drunk. Felix makes a weak grab for the phone. FELIX Gimme! Sully mimes a throw of the phone across the bar. SULLY Fetch! Felix stumbles off in the direction of the throw. SULLY (CONTD) Thatll give us a few minutes. NORI That girl really did a number on him. SULLY They all do. NORI Yeah, but Melissa sounds especially bad. SULLY (sotto) Between you and me, shes actually wicked nice. I just talk trash about her when Felix is around to make him feel better. NORI Geez, we really need to get him laid. SULLY You offering? NORI Ew! No! Ew! SULLY Not your type?

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NORI I like em tall, blonde, and wielding a big-ass hammer. SULLY Oh! Like the Minnesota Vikings guy! NORI (exasperated) Like Thor, God of Thunder. Sully tilts his head to one side like a confused dog. NORI (CONTD) Why do you work at the shop, Sully? You clearly dont read comics. SULLY I used to be a night janitor down at the Blimpies, so working with my best friend seemed like a step up. They both glance over at Felix, whos on the floor talking into the shoe of a bar patron as though it were a phone. FELIX No, you hang up first! NORI God, were going to need new jobs. I shouldnt have burned bridges with that pimp. Sully raises an eyebrow. NORI (CONTD) I ran his books. Did you know lube is tax deductible? SULLY Yeah, well the Blimpies burned down in a grease fire, so I guess Ill have to go back to betting on Little League games. It just hasnt been the same since they banned steroids, you know? NORI If we raise the money ourselves, do you think you could convince Felix to keep the shop open?

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SULLY Sure. Felix has been my best friend since pre-K. He does whatever I tell him to. NORI Wow. What was he like back then? SMASH TO: EXT. SCHOOLYARD - DAY - FLASHBACK EIGHT-YEAR-OLD SULLY stands next to EIGHT-YEAR-OLD FELIX, who CRIES on a swing. EIGHT-YEAR-OLD SULLY Whats wrong? EIGHT-YEAR-OLD FELIX Tina dumped me. EIGHT-YEAR-OLD SULLY That was three weeks ago! EIGHT-YEAR-OLD FELIX Do you think that maybe life is just a cruel joke perpetrated on the living? Sully hands Felix a Ninja Turtle action figure. EIGHT-YEAR-OLD SULLY Here! EIGHT-YEAR-OLD FELIX Whoa, youre giving me your favorite Donatello? EIGHT-YEAR-OLD SULLY Of course. Youre my best friend and youre sad. Sully GIVES FELIX A WEDGIE. EIGHT-YEAR-OLD SULLY (screams) Now stop being a wuss! SMASH TO:

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INT. OREILLYS TAVERN - NIGHT NORI About the same, then? SULLY Yeah, except hes easier to bribe now. (yelling across the bar) Hey Felix, wanna go grab a pizza? We can listen to sad lesbian piano music on the way. They look around the bar. Felix is gone. SULLY (contd) Uh oh. INT. YACHT SHOW - NIGHT Felix, STILL DRUNK, stumbles onto the floor of a yacht show. He examines the prow of a high-end yacht when a smarmy SALESMAN walks up to him. FELIX A fine sea beast. Shell do nicely. YACHT SALESMAN Excuse me? FELIX Im planning a round-the-world excursion. Very dangerous. Many sharks. YACHT SALESMAN Well, this yacht has a three hundred and fifty square foot sail, two thousand pounds of ballast MELISSA (O.S.) Felix? Felix turns around and finds MELISSA standing right behind him. Shes charming, graceful and beautiful - you can see why Felix is so broken up about losing her. FELIX Melissa? Great, now Im hallucinating. Way to be, gin.

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MELISSA Are you drunk? Felix puts a finger up to Melissas mouth to shush her. FELIX Shhhh! Go away, brain ghost. RAYMOND walks up and gives Melissa a KISS. Hes got understated, rugged good looks - not the haughty, preppy yachtsman you may have pictured. FELIX Crap, Raymonds here. This must be real because when I picture him in my mind he has a top hat and monocle. RAYMOND Good to see you again too, Felix. (gesturing toward the yacht) Taking up the sport of kings? YACHT SALESMAN Im pretty sure thats cricket. MELISSA Its polo. FELIX If youre asking if Im buying this boat, Raymond, the answer is yes. Very yes. Im going to sail around the world, read Hemingway, and chuck beer bottles at Poseidon. YACHT SALESMAN Uh, we dont say the B word around here, sir. Shes not a(wincing) boat. Shes a yacht. And this particular yacht costs one point two million dollars. FELIX Oh. Well, do you have anything in the well pay you to take it off our hands price range? YACHT SALESMAN Navy recruitment office. Next door.

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MELISSA Sailing, Felix? Whenever I suggested going to the beach, you told me there were too many crabs. FELIX There are! Youd understand if you had a willy. Felix mimes a SNIPPING MOTION. RAYMOND You know, I have a spare boat YACHT SALESMAN Yacht. FELIX Oh really Raymond? You have a spare boat YACHT SALESMAN Yacht. MELISSA Boys, please. I just wanted to have a good time at the (stares down the salesman) boat show. Felix gets down on one knee in front of Melissa. FELIX Melissa, will you...uh...oh crap, I forgot what I was going to ask. MELISSA (turning red) Were you about to propose? Felix wobbles to his feet. FELIX Youre right! Thats what it was! Should I have bought flowers? I feel like there should be flowers. MELISSA Im not even going to dignify this with a response.

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FELIX Totally fine. Im a full grown man. I can handle your rejection with grace and dignity. MELISSA Thats big of you. Then Felix LUNGES FOR HER PURSE and GRABS HER WALLET. FELIX Gotcha! Now you have to marry me if you want your wallet back! Felix loses his balance trying to open the wallet and COLLAPSES. SMASH TO BLACK END OF ACT ONE

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ACT TWO INT. FELIXS APARTMENT - NIGHT Felixs apartment is an unfinished loft over the comic shop. The only real piece of furniture is an empty drafting table. Melissa tucks Felix into his mattress on the floor. Hes still not sober. FELIX Melissa? I thought you dumped me. MELISSA I did. FELIX So youre just here for some meaningless sex? Okay, but FYI Im still in love with you so Ill probably start crying at the end. Felix tries - and fails - to take off his pants. MELISSA (sighs) Felix, I drove you home because you were...God, the word drunk doesnt really do it justice. SMASH TO: INT. MELISSAS CAR - BACKSEAT - FLASHBACK Raymond drives. Melissa is in the passenger seat. Felix is in the back. ANI DIFRANCOS 32 FLAVORS PLAYS. FELIX (singing along) Im a poster girl with no poster / I am thirty-two flavors and then some. Felix, drunk and crying, finishes peeling a banana. He THROWS THE PEEL OUT THE WINDOW where it hits another car.

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MELISSA I told you not to stop for bananas! RAYMOND He said he was low on potassium! FELIX Mario Kart, bitches! Wooooo! The sound of HONKING and SKIDDING TIRES SMASH TO: INT. FELIXS APARTMENT - NIGHT FELIX The last thing I remember was closing down the shop for good. MELISSA Thank god. That place was killing you. I know it was your dream, but its nice to see you trying to grow up. FELIX Like your boy Raymond? MELISSA This isnt about Raymond, its about you. Felix, youre thirty years old, living in an unfurnished loft above a failing comic shop. Dont become a cautionary tale. FELIX Youre right, Melissa. Its time I grow up. As Melissa turns and walks toward the door, Felix LIFTS MELISSAS WALLET FROM HER PURSE - - again. INT. NERDVANA - DAY Sully and the regulars crowd around a small cardboard pen on one of the tables. Crude Colosseum-style columns are drawn on the side in black sharpie. SULLY Last chance to bet. The payout is crap, so if you want to win (MORE)

25. SULLY (contd) anything you should probably give me a whole lot of money. People start handing him money. Felix, hung over, walks into the room from a staircase behind the counter. Hes still dressed in his pajamas. FELIX The shops open. Sully, why is the shop open? SULLY You heard of the Pokeymans? FELIX You mean Pokemon? SULLY Yeah, the game where the mixed-up animals fight each other. I made some. Felix walks over to the Colosseum and looks inside. FELIX Did you tape a knife to the roof of that hamster? MISTER CREEPERTON Thats Stabith. He evolves from Stabite and his final evolution is Stabulox. FELIX So whats the Pomeranian with the googly eyes glued on its butt? MISTER CREEPERTON Thats Butt Dog. He doesnt evolve. SULLY I ran out of good Pokeyman names. FELIX For the last time, Sully, you cant start an animal fighting ring in the shop. SULLY It wont be much of a fight. The pet shop guy told me those two are best friends.

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SNORLAX Whoa, Butt Dogs eating Stabith! (a beat) Wait, thats just a nuzzle. (another beat) Now hes asleep. SULLY Fights over, folks! Its a draw. House wins. The crowd BOOS. FELIX I applaud your initiative, but SULLY Dont worry. I have a better plan. Human Pokeymans FELIX Thats just a fight club. Suddenly, Nori runs up holding a shopping bag. NORI Quick! Put these on! Nori helps Felix put on a wavy-haired wig, a long black coat with a popped collar, and height extender boots. FELIX Whats going on? Are these heels? NORI No! Well, sort of. Just turn around and face the wall. A pack of SQUEALING FAN GIRLS runs into the shop. FAN GIRL #1 Where is he? Wheres Benedict Cumberbatch? FAN GIRL #2 (points at Felix) Look, I can see his hair! FAN GIRL #1 OMG hes so tall!

27. FAN GIRL #2 Kind of fat though. FELIX Hey! Nori dashes over and pulls Felix down behind the counter before he shows his face. NORI Benedicts come down with jet lag, so he needs to lie down for a bit. Why dont you girls do some shopping in the meantime? Half price on Doctor Who junk! Nori drops to the floor under the counter with Felix. FELIX You told them I was Benedict Cumberbatch? NORI What? They buy a bunch of comics and then I distract them with a Tumblr. FAN GIRL #1 (V.O.) Why is this dog pooping out of its mouth? FAN GIRL #2 (V.O.) Oh my god, its everywhere! FAN GIRL #1 (V.O.) (sobbing) Its like the Hurricane Katrina of poop! SULLY (V.O.) Oof. Too soon. NORI Quick - the stock room! Nori and Felix make a run for it. Halfway across the room FAN GIRL #1 Thats not Benedict Cumberbatch! NORI Sure he is! Uh, Benedict? Dont you have anything to say to your fans?

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FELIX (Bad British accent) oooOOOoooh, look at how tall and mysterious I am! Im a giant, sad pencil of a man! The fan girls leave, disgusted. Mister Creeperton walks over to Felix, hands him his business card, gives him a sexy look, and waddles away. Felix takes off the wig, shoes, and coat. FELIX Thanks for trying, but its time to move on. SULLY To what? FELIX I dont know. A real job. One with suits and ties and Microsoft Outlook and sheet cake on your birthday. SULLY Ah shit, you saw Melissa last night, didnt you? FELIX So what if I did? SULLY Ever since grade school, youve been into two things: comics and women who treat you like crap. Dont give up on your first love because of your second one. FELIX Im not giving up. Just re-booting myself. Like DCs New 52. NORI The New 52 suck. Felix slumps to the floor, near tears. FELIX Youre right. They do. I hate re-boots. Is Barbara Gordon paralyzed? Is she not? Make up your (MORE)

29. FELIX (contd) mind, DC! And if you re-boot things too many times youll run out of ideas and cast Ben Affleck as Batman. (sobbing) Hes going to be so terrible. Felix SIGHS and gets up. FELIX (CONTD) I had my dream life planned out when I was ten years old. I wanted my own shop, my own comic book, and a girlfriend who would let me touch her boobs. Thats not too much to ask for, is it? NORI Youve come closer than I have. I wanted to be an astronaut. Those dont even exist anymore. SULLY I wanted to be a couch. (shrugs) I was a weird kid. NORI Well save this place, Felix. Were not going out like this. FELIX How? We have to raise three thousand dollars in two days. And no offense, but your plans were kind of crap. NORI There is...one more option. SULLY You...you dont mean... NORI Its the only way. Three heads slowly turn and point toward the giant NO WIZARD WARS banner over the door. FELIX May God have mercy on our souls. PRE-LAP: The TERRIFYING SOUND of TOO MANY KIDS.

30. EXT. NERDVANA - DAY Felix places a WIZARD WARS TOURNAMENT TODAY sign in the window. A line of CHILDREN stretches down the block. THE SMELLMAN walks up and down the sidewalk, standing guard. Felix, Nori, and Sully huddle by the door. NORI Whats The Smellman up to? FELIX I told him to give anyone who tries to cut in line a big hug. Right now, hes the thin blue line between us and total chaos. NORI Felix, its too many kids. If we let them all in, the Fire Marshall will come shut us down. SULLY Eh, I could take him. The dude is built like a dishwasher with feet. FELIX How many do you think we can pack in before someone calls social services on us? NORI Seventy or so. FELIX And how many are here? NORI A hundred and fifty. SULLY Yeah, but you counted some of them pudgy ones twice. I saw you. FELIX The Wizard Wars tournament is twenty bucks a head, so if we get all these kids in somehow, we win. Nori, open up the back doors and set up some tables in the alley. Sully, open up my apartment and well cram some kids in my bedroom. This is going to happen.

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(a beat - no response) Sully? Led by Sully, the crowd starts chanting, "YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK!" SULLY Sorry, what? INT. NERDVANA - GAMING TABLES - DAY Cramped chaos. A hundred and fifty SCREAMING CHILDREN throw cards at each other. TWO BURRITO PETE is there as well. A frustrated Pete jumps in front of Felix. His massive bulk prevents Felix from getting past him to his destination. TWO BURRITO PETE Youre late. The tournament should have started two and a half minutes ago. FELIX You know, theres a shop out in Framingham that has a Wizard Wars league for adults. TWO BURRITO PETE (scoffs) What do you think I do on Thursday nights? FELIX (yells) Wizard Wars players! Listen up! Felix is drowned out by the SHOUTING. A flying card hits him in the face. FELIX (CONTD) (yells) Okay, just sort of...do whatever, then! A DEVIOUS KID sits across from Two Burrito Pete and pulls out his deck of cards. DEVIOUS KID Youre going down.

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TWO BURRITO PETE Hah! My deck has all seven pieces of the Ultimate Legendary Baseball Dragon and a holographic copy of Trixie the Murder Elf. You dont stand a ghost of a chance! The Devious Kid gives Pete an evil look and starts to CRY. Nori runs over. NORI Hey, kid, whats going on? DEVIOUS KID Help me, Mommy! This round man stole my cards! NORI Dude, give him back his cards. TWO BURRITO PETE But NORI Now. Pete SIGHS and hands over his deck. INT. NERDVANA - COUNTER - CONTINUOUS The cash register overflows with money. Felix alternates between taking in cash and sketching in his book. Nori walks over, a kid clinging to each of her legs. FELIX Im re-doing the whole issue again. This time, Im going to show Veils perspective too. Show how they both feel betrayed. What do you think? NORI I think Im gonna need tomorrow off to get my tubes tied. FELIX Really? I kind of like having a few kids around. MELISSA walks in.

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MELISSA You told me you didnt want a baby because their burps smell like like moldy fruit. FELIX And because they have weird, buggy eyes, laugh at stuff that isnt funny, cry every time they poop, and poop every time they move. (beat) What are you doing here, Melissa? MELISSA My wallet went missing. Again. FELIX Oh. Right. Felix sheepishly rummages around in a drawer behind the counter and hands Melissa her wallet. MELISSA (chuckles to herself) Whats going on here, anyway? Some kind of star war? NORI You actually slept with this woman? FELIX Youd understand if you had a willy. MELISSA I thought you shut this place down. FELIX Itll take more than a few words to kill my dreams, Melissa. Felix is PELTED BY FLYING CARDS. FELIX (CONTD) This shop is my heart. My soul. The culmination of years of hard work and dedication. A kid runs by, CACKLING, holding a lighter and a stack of cards that are ON FIRE.

34. FELIX (CONTD) Its a haven for the geek in all of us. The one place where you can talk about Spider-Man as much as you want without getting drop-kicked into a snow drift by Frank Murphy after third period algebra. Sully CHASES AFTER THE KID carrying a big bucket of water. FELIX (CONTD) This is my home. These guys? Theyre my family. Two Burrito Pete RUNS BACK THE OTHER WAY, HOWLING. His fanny pack is ON FIRE. FELIX (CONTD) I dont have to grow up, Melissa. I just have to know where I belong. Melissa blinks a few times. Not what she was expecting. MELISSA Thats the most passionate thing Ive heard you say in years, Felix. Good luck. I mean it. She gives Felix a small, friendly hug. Felix turns it into a larger, more uncomfortable hug. THE SMELLMAN walks over, sees this, and GLEEFULLY HUGS THEM BOTH. Melissa, HACKING, makes a run for it out the door. Sully CRAWLS back into the scene, seven or eight SHRIEKING KIDS riding on his back. SULLY Kill...me... Sully curls into a fetal position as kids run in with lightsabers and start beating him with them. SULLY (CONTD) Not...literally... FELIX (yells) Okay, kids! Come get your prizes! Sully staggers to his feet as the kids mob the counter.

35. SULLY I dont wanna be a couch when I grow up anymore. NORI You okay? SULLY Im not on fire. NORI Poor Pete. You think hell be okay? Sully grabs a HALF-BURNT BURRITO off the floor. SULLY Petes fine - hes out back trying to break into the vending machine. His burrito will never be the same, though. Somber, Sully turns the burrito upside down. The ingredients spill out onto the floor. NORI Pouring one out for his dead homies? SULLY You know it. INT. NERDVANA - GAMING TABLES - LATER The kids are gone, but the store is a wreck. Cards everywhere. One of the tables has been broken in half. Felix tidies up while Nori counts the money. NORI It was hell, but we did it. Even after replacing that table, youre gonna clear three grand easy. FELIX And all we have to do to stay open is run one of these every week for the rest of our lives. A beat as they consider this. Its interrupted when JILL, a beautiful woman in her mid-thirties, walks in with her son: eight-year-old TREVOR.

36. FELIX Sorry kid, youre too late. Tournaments over. TREVOR Wizard Wars sucks. I like comic books. JILL Trevor! Watch your language. (to Felix) We just moved here and he doesnt have any friends yet. He spent the whole week obsessing about finding a new comic shop. Trevor runs up to a display and grabs a comic. TREVOR Look! They have the new issue of The Liquidator! FELIX Youve read The Liquidator? NORI And you like it? TREVOR Of course I do! (makes thunderclap sounds) BY THE POWER OF POSEIDON! Felix kneels down and gives Trevor a fist bump. TREVOR (CONTD) I like Veil, too. I used to think she was mean, but I guess you have to be mean if youre a ninja, right? FELIX I dont know. Maybe not. TREVOR (CONTD) Only one thing I cant figure out. In school, I learned that people were mostly water. So why cant Liquidator explode them? FELIX You want to know the truth? Trevor NODS, excited.

37. FELIX (CONTD) He can. But real heroes dont kill. Real heroes always try to do the right thing, even if people make fun of them for it. Thats why Liquidator pretends to be a terrible superhero when hes really the most powerful one of all. TREVOR Whoa. Felix picks up the comic, looks at it, and hands it back. FELIX Keep it. Itll be our secret. Trevor clutches the comic to his chest. Felix walks back behind the counter. JILL Thanks. Most comic shop owners dont seem to get how much these places mean to some kids. Its Trevors whole world. The END CREDITS music from THE DARK KNIGHT swells up as FELIX EXT. STREETS OF CRIME CITY - NIGHT - Morphs into THE LIQUIDATOR. Were BACK IN THE ANIMATED WORLD OF THE COMIC BOOK. Liquidator rides through a tunnel on a motorbike like at the end of THE DARK KNIGHT. LIQUIDATOR (V.O.) Ive spent far too long denying who I am. Hiding from the world behind a mask. No more. EXT. THE MOON OF SPIDERS - NIGHT VEIL, angry, defeats a GIANT SPIDER WEARING A CROWN. The corpses of a thousand other spiders lie around it. LIQUIDATOR (V.O.)(CONTD) I want to be reborn, free from the shadows of my past. But I cant be. The past is part of who I am. For good and for evil.

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She raises a spyglass toward the Earth EXT. STREETS OF CRIME CITY - NIGHT LIQUIDATOR, back on the bike, ZOOMING THROUGH THE TUNNELS LIQUIDATOR (V.O.)(CONTD) Im not the man I want to be. Im not even the man I need to be. Im probably the man I deserve to be, which kind of sucks. But all that is about to change. As the bike emerges into the blinding daylight SMASH TO BLACK. CHYRON: BACK ISSUES. END PILOT