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A Training Manual on Non Violent Communication

TM

Society for Nutrition Education and Health Action

c SNEHA 2011 A publication by Society for Nutrition Education and Health Action This publication may be used in any form. Please feel free to quote, translate, distribute and transmit with due acknowledgement to SNEHA. Material collated and developed by Jaya Nuty Cover photograph: Neela Kapadia

Introduction to Non Violent Communication

"Out beyond the ideas of I will meet you there. Rumi

w r o n g d o i n g a n d r i g h t d o i n g, t h e r e i s a f i e l d .

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Non Violent Communication says that as human beings, more often than not, intentionally or otherwise we tend to speak the language of the jackal, one of judgment, blame and disconnect. It's not me, it's him/her that has to change is what we proclaim. NVC is a language with a difference. It's about learning to communicate with compassion towards self and others. It's about relating with oneself and others through empathy leading to trust and nurture. It follows a 4 step process based on Observation, Feeling, Need and Request. The current module is a 2 hour module designed for the staff of Municipal Corporation of Greater Mumbai Maternity Homes.

A Training Module on Non Violent Communication

NON VIOLENT COMMUNICATION

Exercise 2 Exercise on Observation

Time: 20 mins

Objectives
At the end of the session the participants would be able to: Develop an understanding of 'judgemental communication' and ways to minimise it; Understand their own feelings and needs

Ask the participants to take a look at the room where they are sitting and write down 5 observations. 2-3 participants to read aloud. The participants are then asked to write their observations about a person sitting in the room. 1 or 2 to share what they have written. Variation: It is seen that the all the participants do not come at the same time for the training. To involve those who make it on or before time we could involve them to draw on a chart and this could be used for the observation exercise. Debrief:

Introduction Time: 5 mins

The facilitators to introduce themselves and the purpose of the workshop

Observation seems to come easy when it comes to inanimate objects. But when it comes to something living judgments seem to be the norm. Judgments make our communication 'violent'. But, it's not possible not to make judgments! So, the best thing to be done in such a case is to own [Link] to me. This is how I perceive youetc Can we reduce passing judgments on our colleagues, seniors, juniors, patients and near & dear ones?

Icebreaker Time: 10 mins Any game to warm up the participants for the workshop

Exercise 1 What is violence (hinsa)?

Time: 10 mins The participants are asked 'what is violence'? Their views are written on a chart by the facilitator. Generally violence through communication comes up as a valid point in the discussion.

A Training Module on Non Violent Communication

Exercise 4: Feelings
Time: 20 mins The facilitator could keep with him/her a set of 'feelings' cards. The cards could be kept in the centre and the participants could be asked to pick up a card based on what they are feeling. Then keep a set of 'needs' cards. Ask the participants to identify the need that was met/unmet based on their feelings.

Debrief:
"I feel angry because you... ", "I feel angry because I want... " We know that the cause of our feelings is not another person, but rather our own thoughts, wants, and wishes. We become angry because of the thoughts we are having, not because of anything another person has done to us. In fact, violence, whether verbal or physical, is the result of assuming that our feelings are caused not by what is going on inside us but rather by what is going on "out there." In response, we say things designed to hurt, punish, or blame the person whom we imagine has hurt our feelings. Aware of this tendency, a person practicing non-violent communication would conclude, "I'm angry because my expectations have not been met."

A Training Module on Non Violent Communication

Exercise 5: Role Play

Time: 20 mins

judgmental mode is usually not the best way to motivate an employee. If used frequently and indiscriminately, this type of interaction and style can lead not only to poor relationships among staff, but also to grievances and complaints.

Scene A
Ask two volunteers to come up. Describe the following situation: You have just entered the room and the other person sitting in a chair starts to shout, You always do it. You are never on time. Whenever we need you, you are not there. And, we can't even trace you. You don't even pick up calls. When you see the hospital number you switch your phone off. I'm very disappointed. If this persists I'm going to complain to the higher ups. You know I don't want to listen to your useless excuses. Now, just leave the room. Ask them to enact the scene. Ask for participants' feelings.

Scene B
Ask the two volunteers to enact the same situation but the conversation would go as follows: You have just entered the room and the other person sitting in a chair welcomes you with a smile. I have observed that for the last one week you have been coming half an hour after your shift starts. I feel agitated when you don't come on time. You know we have just three staff on this shift and the ward is full. I need your cooperation. Would you be willing to discuss this with me? Oh, [Link] we meet 15 minutes from now? I've something urgent to attend to Fine. We'll meet here in 15 minutes. I'm sorry my coming late for the last week has upset you Ask for participants' feelings.

Debrief:
This type of communication is critical, negative and evaluative. The communicator often appears to be speaking from a superior position and talking down at the listener. This can leave the recipient feeling offended and upset, and with no information about how to proceed. It is not constructive because the speaker did not say what was wrong and offered no advice to help improve. The main problem with using this mode continually is that there is no follow-up, nothing to restore the relationship to a place where there can be reconciliation, and nothing to build on. Also, using the

A Training Module on Non Violent Communication

Exercise 6:
Time: 20 mins

Step 5
Take a minute....Close your eyes and relax. After some time, look at the list again.

Step 1
Take a blank side of paper and at the top, write down something somebody said to you that you didn't like hearing.

Step 6
Draw a second "T" shape on the bottom half of the paper with an "F" on the left side and an "N" on the right, just like before.

Hints:
1) People who choose a less than traumatic, yet "stimulating" situation seem to have greater success early on. 2) Think of the exact quote. No storyline or background is needed for this exercise, just the quote.

Step 7
On the left side, under the "F" column, write down what you imagine the other person was feeling when you heard what they said. If you really can't think of what they were feeling, you can try going back to Step 5 and double checking your own list. (Most people have difficulty doing "Step 7" until their own list is really complete ("Step 5")

Step 2
Now draw a "T" shape on the top half of the paper and write an "F" on the left side and an "N" on the right, just like in the picture.

Step 3
Step 8 On the left side, under the "F" column, write down what you were feeling when your quote was said to you. On the right side, under the "N" column, write down what you imagine the other person needed and not getting in the moment you heard their words. Just like "Step 7" if you really can't think of what they needed, you can try going back to Step 5 and double checking your own list. (Most people have difficulty doing "Step 8" until their own list is really complete ("Step 5").

Step 4
On the right side, under the "N" column, write down what you were needing and not getting in the moment you heard the words.

A Training Module on Non Violent Communication

Step 9
Take a minute. Close your eyes and relax. Look at the list again. If you feel comfortable this list represents what they were experiencing then proceed. If you feel like something's missing, go back and look at the lists again until you are sure you are complete. Only then proceed.

STATING A REQUEST CLEARLY

Stating a request in NVC is a four-part process rooted in honesty: * Describe your observation * Identify your feeling * Explain the reason for your feeling in terms of your needs * State your request

Step 10 RESPONDING TO A "NO"

Check with yourself and see if you notice a shift in how you feel about what was said to you or how you feel toward the person that said it. Check if you think you may have a way of thinking about this that wasn't there before.... or if you just feel less upset than when you started. If you do, then you've had an NVC experience! You've consciously moved yourself toward compassion. If you feel the same or worse you may want to try again with the same quote or one on a subject that's not as "hot" for you. Please note: About 20% of people that do the exercise DO NOT shift on the first time through. 2nd TO LAST HINT: People who practice this over and over report more success in "shifting". It's like developing a muscle. Responding to a refusal is a four-part process rooted in empathy: * Describe the situation * Guess the other person's feeling * Guess the reason for the feeling, together with the unmet need; then let the person verify whether you have correctly understood * Clarify the unmet need

Please keep in your mind that this is a "taste" of NVC and there is a larger body of work and practice of NVC that is far more powerful when we increase our skills through learning and practice.

Closure
Time: 15 mins: Ask the participants for their feedback. Thank them for their participation.

A Training Module on Non Violent Communication

Step 9
Take a minute. Close your eyes and relax. Look at the list again. If you feel comfortable this list represents what they were experiencing then proceed. If you feel like something's missing, go back and look at the lists again until you are sure you are complete. Only then proceed.

STATING A REQUEST CLEARLY

Stating a request in NVC is a four-part process rooted in honesty: * Describe your observation * Identify your feeling * Explain the reason for your feeling in terms of your needs * State your request

Step 10 RESPONDING TO A "NO"

Check with yourself and see if you notice a shift in how you feel about what was said to you or how you feel toward the person that said it. Check if you think you may have a way of thinking about this that wasn't there before.... or if you just feel less upset than when you started. If you do, then you've had an NVC experience! You've consciously moved yourself toward compassion. If you feel the same or worse you may want to try again with the same quote or one on a subject that's not as "hot" for you. Please note: About 20% of people that do the exercise DO NOT shift on the first time through. 2nd TO LAST HINT: People who practice this over and over report more success in "shifting". It's like developing a muscle. Responding to a refusal is a four-part process rooted in empathy: * Describe the situation * Guess the other person's feeling * Guess the reason for the feeling, together with the unmet need; then let the person verify whether you have correctly understood * Clarify the unmet need

Please keep in your mind that this is a "taste" of NVC and there is a larger body of work and practice of NVC that is far more powerful when we increase our skills through learning and practice.

Closure
Time: 15 mins: Ask the participants for their feedback. Thank them for their participation.

A Training Module on Non Violent Communication

APPENDIX 1
Feelings when our needs ARE met

AFFECTIONATE compassionate friendly fond loving openhearted sympathetic tender warm CONFIDENT empowered open proud safe secure INSPIRED amazed awed wonder

ENGAGED absorbed alert curious engrossed enchanted entranced fascinated interested intrigued involved spellbound stimulated REFRESHED enlivened rejuvenated renewed rested restored revived

GRATEFUL appreciative moved thankful touched EXCITED amazed animated ardent aroused dazzled eager energetic enthusiastic giddy invigorated lively passionate surprised vibrant

JOYFUL amused delighted glad happy jubilant pleased tickled overjoyed EXHILARATED blissful ecstatic elated enthralled exuberant radiant rapturous thrilled electrified euphoric overjoyed

PEACEFUL calm clearheaded comfortable centered content equanimity fulfilled mellow quiet relaxed relieved satisfied serene still tranquil trusting HOPEFUL expectant encouraged optimistic inspired

A Training Module on Non Violent Communication

Feelings when our needs ARE NOT met

AFRAID dread fearful foreboding frightened mistrustful panicked petrified scared suspicious terrified wary worried ANNOYED aggravated dismayed disgruntled displeased exasperated frustrated impatient irritated irked ANGER angry enraged furious

CONFUSED baffled bewildered dazed hesitant lost mystified perplexed puzzled torn DISQUIET agitated alarmed discombobulated disconcerted disturbed perturbed rattled restless shocked startled surprised troubled turbulent turmoil uncomfortable uneasy unnerved

EMBARRASSED ashamed chagrined flustered guilty mortified self-conscious FATIGUE beat burnt out depleted exhausted lethargic listless sleepy tired weary worn out AVERSION animosity appalled contempt disgusted dislike hate horrified hostile

TENSE anxious cranky distressed distraught edgy fidgety frazzled irritable jittery nervous overwhelmed restless stressed out VULNERABLE fragile guarded helpless insecure leery reserved sensitive shaky PAIN agony anguished bereaved devastated

SAD depressed dejected despair despondent disappointed discouraged disheartened forlorn gloomy heavy hearted hopeless melancholy unhappy wretched DISCONNECTED alienated aloof apathetic bored cold detached distant distracted indifferent numb removed withdrawn

apprehensive ambivalent

A Training Module on Non Violent Communication

APPENDIX 2

Needs List
HINT: Needs are more than the things we can't live without. They represent our values, wants, desires and preferences for a happier and/or more meaningful experience as a human. Although we have different needs in differing amounts at different times, they are universal in all of us. When they are unmet, we experience feelings... when they are met, we experience feelings.

CONNECTION Acceptance Affection Appreciation Belonging Cooperation Communication Closeness Community Companionship Compassion Consideration Consistency Empathy Inclusion Intimacy Love Mutuality Nurturing Respect/Selfrespect Safety Security Shared Reality Stability

Support To know and be known To understand and be understood Trust Warmth HONESTY Authenticity Integrity Presence PEACE Beauty Communion Ease Equality Harmony Inspiration Order

PHYSICAL WELLBEING Air Movement/exercise Rest/sleep Sexual expression Safety Shelter Touch Water PLAY Joy Humor AUTONOMY Choice Freedom Independence Space Spontaneity

MEANING Awareness Celebration of life Challenge Clarity Competence Consciousness Contribution Creativity Discovery Efficacy Effectiveness Growth Hope Learning Mourning Participation Purpose Self-expression Stimulation To matter Understanding

To see and be seen Food

A Training Module on Non Violent Communication

APPENDIX 3

Our NEEDS....
By using NVC we create a forum for all parties needs to be fully seen and heard. And thereafter choicefully and powerfully met OR unmet What Does That Mean?

Conflict Zone FEELINGS

Judgement

Strategy

inform us about our needs

NEEDS
Common Ground

Opinion

Evaluation

Blame

For one thing... Needs are universal to all of us. In fact, everything we do, we do to fulfill our needs.... everything. From scratching our heads... to eating meals to getting married to hitting someone. We have this in common with every other human being on the earth. In NVC, the reason that needs are so important is that as long as we choose to think about needs (and NOT focus our attention on our positions or opinions or blame or other judgments) we have common ground. When we think this way, we can continue to have a dialogue with ANY other human being, regardless of their age, ethnicity, language, social status, political position, as long as the subject of the dialogue is our own and each others Feelings and Needs. Also... When the needs (not the strategies or stories) of people are deeply understood, new strategies almost always appear. In times when new strategies don't appear, parties are much more inclined to choicefully have certain needs seen and NOT MET. In short, the process brings out the compassion in us resulting in more harmony.

A Training Module on Non Violent Communication

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TM

Society for Nutrition Education and Health Action