CHAPTER ONE — PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS IN ORDER
WARNING: This document has been assembled incorrectly.
WARNING 2: Page numbers are decorative.
WARNING 3: At least one sentence in this chapter belongs to a
different book.
WARNING 4: If you find Chapter Seven, please return it to reception.
The document was discovered on a Tuesday.
This is suspicious because Tuesday had been officially canceled
three days earlier.
Nobody remembered canceling it.
Everyone agreed that this was probably for the best.
PAGE 1 — THE FIRST PROBLEM
At 8:14 in the morning, Mr. Blenkinsop opened his bedroom window.
The window handed him a receipt.
“Excuse me?”
The window remained silent.
The receipt was for twelve sandwiches, one canoe, and a
replacement moon.
Mr. Blenkinsop checked the window again.
It was now a door.
He checked the door.
It was a cupboard.
He checked the cupboard.
There was a potato inside.
The potato was wearing a tiny hat.
“Good morning,” said the potato.
Mr. Blenkinsop closed the cupboard.
He opened it again.
The potato was gone.
In its place was a note:
DO NOT LOOK FOR THE POTATO.
Underneath this was another note:
SERIOUSLY.
Underneath that:
PAGE 47.
There were only ten pages.
Mr. Blenkinsop found this deeply inconvenient.
Meanwhile, in a room approximately north-west of the refrigerator,
an emergency committee was meeting to discuss a spoon.
The spoon had filed a complaint.
Nobody knew what the complaint was about.
The chairman stood.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” he said, “we have run out of minutes.”
A clock on the wall immediately shouted:
“THAT'S MY LINE.”
Everyone applauded.
The meeting was adjourned until yesterday.
PAGE 2 — SOMETHING HAS GONE WRONG
At precisely 11:62 AM, the village alarm began making soup noises.
BLUB BLUB BLUB.
Nobody reacted.
This happened every Thursday.
Unfortunately, it was Wednesday.
A blue suitcase appeared in the middle of the road.
It was empty.
Then it wasn't.
Then it contained a railway station.
Then the railway station contained a smaller blue suitcase.
Then the suitcase contained a railway station.
Then the railway station contained another suitcase.
A local man watched this for several minutes.
“Should we stop it?”
The mayor shook his head.
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I don't want to get involved.”
“Fair.”
The mayor was carrying seventeen umbrellas.
It was completely sunny.
“What are those for?” someone asked.
“Emotional weather.”
Nobody understood.
The mayor repeated himself.
“Emotional weather.”
Everyone understood less.
Across the street, a newspaper from 1994 had just been elected
mayor of the neighboring town.
Its first law was:
ALL TUESDAYS MUST BE FOLDED BEFORE USE.
The population voted unanimously.
There were four voters.
One was asleep.
One was a mailbox.
Two were the same person.
The mailbox won.
PAGE 3 — THE DOOR
There was a castle.
Possibly.
It had the general appearance of a supermarket that had become
extremely ambitious.
Inside was a long hallway.
The hallway ended at a wall.
On the wall was a painting of a horse.
The horse was holding a painting of a wall.
The wall contained a painting of a horse.
The horse contained a smaller painting of the original horse.
This continued for several minutes.
Someone eventually covered the entire thing with a blanket.
The blanket immediately became a horse.
A door opened.
A voice asked:
“Who goes there?”
“Me.”
“Who is me?”
“Greg.”
“Who is Greg?”
Greg thought about this.
“I honestly don't know.”
“Fair enough.”
The door closed.
Greg walked away.
Three seconds later, he returned.
The door was gone.
In its place stood a vending machine.
Greg approached it.
The machine displayed:
PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTIONS — 40¢
Greg inserted a coin.
The machine printed:
IF A TREE FALLS IN A FOREST AND NOBODY HEARS IT, DOES THE
TREE STILL OWE RENT?
Greg stared at it.
“I want my money back.”
The machine printed:
NO.
Then it printed another 600 feet of paper.
At the bottom was a drawing of a duck.
The duck was labeled:
IMPORTANT.
It was not important.
Probably.
PAGE 4 — THE TRAIN
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Sorry.
That was not supposed to happen.
Continuing.
The train arrived at Platform 6½.
The station only had six platforms.
A conductor inspected his clipboard.
The clipboard inspected him back.
“Ticket.”
“I have a receipt.”
“For what?”
“An elephant.”
“Where is the elephant?”
“On the receipt.”
The conductor stared at him.
“That's not a ticket.”
“Then why does it say ELEPHANT?”
The conductor had no answer.
He decided to change careers.
The train doors opened.
Inside was a library.
Inside the library was a swimming pool.
Inside the swimming pool was a telephone.
The telephone rang.
Nobody answered.
It rang again.
A fish picked it up.
“Hello?”
Silence.
The fish listened carefully.
Then it frowned.
“Wrong number.”
It hung up.
The entire incident lasted nine seconds.
The official report was fourteen pages long.
Nobody has seen the report since.
The conductor later became a dentist.
He was terrible at it.
PAGE 5 — NOTES FOUND UNDER A TABLE
Buy milk.
Do not buy milk.
Milk is watching.
Call Kevin.
Kevin has never existed.
Check the cupboard.
There is a dragon in the cupboard.
Do not acknowledge the dragon.
The dragon knows about Tuesday.
Tuesday refuses to comment.
Find the missing page.
There is no missing page.
There is definitely a missing page.
Why is the font moving?
Stop the font.
The font has hired a lawyer.
The lawyer is a duck.
The duck has no legal qualifications.
Nobody cares.
This is becoming a government matter.
The government has been replaced by three ducks.
The ducks declined to comment.
One of them was Kevin.
At this point, the author appears to have stopped writing normally.
The next sentence reads:
the green thing went through the door and the door became a
sandwich because nobody stopped it
Then there are 48 blank lines.
Then:
NO.
Twenty-two blank lines.
Then:
The moon was square.
Nobody noticed.
This may explain several things.
It probably doesn't.
PAGE 6 — THE ORANGE BUTTON
There was an orange button.
It said:
DO NOT PRESS.
Someone pressed it.
Nothing happened.
Everyone waited.
Still nothing.
Someone pressed it again.
The ceiling apologized.
“I’m sorry,” said the ceiling.
Everyone looked up.
“For what?” asked the mayor.
“I don't know.”
A lawyer was called.
The lawyer arrived riding a bicycle made entirely of dictionaries.
He looked at the button.
He looked at the ceiling.
He looked at the bicycle.
“I cannot represent you.”
“Why?”
“I am a dictionary lawyer.”
“What does that mean?”
“I only handle cases involving definitions.”
“That's ridiculous.”
The lawyer opened a dictionary.
“Ridiculous: requiring a bicycle.”
He left.
Five minutes later, the button turned purple.
Then green.
Then yellow.
Then Tuesday.
Nobody touched it.
The button had apparently developed opinions.
It eventually became a photograph of itself.
The photograph became a photograph of the photograph.
Then another.
Then another.
Then someone shouted:
“STOP PHOTOGRAPHING THE BUTTON.”
Nobody had been photographing it.
The investigation was abandoned after lunch.
Lunch was Tuesday.
PAGE 7 — A BRIEF HISTORY OF SOMETHING
In the year 14, the people of Somewhere invented the spoon.
Unfortunately, they had already invented the fork.
A national argument followed.
The fork claimed superiority because it had points.
The spoon claimed superiority because it could hold soup.
The knife refused to participate.
The plate attempted mediation.
The bowl left the country.
Eventually, everyone agreed that both utensils were useful.
The spoon remained offended for approximately six hundred years.
Modern historians disagree about whether any of this happened.
Some believe the civilization existed.
Others believe the entire country was invented by a bored
accountant.
The accountant denies this.
He also denies being an accountant.
This has made research extremely difficult.
UNRELATED INFORMATION
The blue bicycle has no connection to the previous paragraph.
The blue bicycle would like this formally recorded.
It has submitted a complaint.
The complaint is 93 pages long.
Page 1 is missing.
Pages 2–91 are the word potato.
Page 92 is a drawing of a door.
Page 93 says:
I KNOW WHAT YOU DID.
Nobody knows what the bicycle means.
The bicycle refuses to elaborate.
PAGE 8 — THE SOUP INCIDENT
I was going to explain something here.
Wait.
What was it?
Oh.
Right.
The thing.
The extremely important thing.
Which was actually—
No.
Never mind.
A bird flew through the window carrying a newspaper.
The headline read:
LOCAL MAN LOSES ARGUMENT WITH HIS OWN SHOE
The article contained no information.
At the bottom was a recipe.
SOUP
Ingredients:
1. One Tuesday.
2. Two pencils.
3. Half a bicycle.
4. Seventeen clouds.
5. Salt, if available.
6. Absolutely no soup.
Instructions:
First, place the Tuesday on a table.
Stop.
Do not place Tuesday on the table.
Tuesday may become angry.
Instead, place the table inside Tuesday.
This is difficult.
If successful, congratulations.
If unsuccessful, make toast.
The bird read the recipe.
The bird looked at the author.
The author looked at the bird.
The bird ate the newspaper.
“That's fair,” said the author.
Nobody knew why.
PAGE 9 — THE PAGE THAT WAS MISSING
This page was supposed to contain an important development.
It does not.
The development has been misplaced.
Please check behind the sofa.
Nothing?
Check under the sofa.
Still nothing?
Ask the sofa.
The sofa knows.
The sofa refuses to speak.
Fine.
We continue.
At midnight, a mysterious man appeared carrying a briefcase.
“What is inside?”
“Documents.”
“What kind?”
“Important ones.”
“Can I see them?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because they are extremely boring.”
He opened the briefcase.
Inside were:
fourteen rubber ducks
a calculator
a cucumber receipt
a map of a place that does not exist
a second briefcase
another map
one furious raisin
The raisin stood up.
“PUT ME BACK.”
Everyone froze.
The mysterious man slowly closed the briefcase.
Nobody mentioned the raisin again.
Outside, it began raining sideways.
A newspaper reported:
RAIN CONTINUES NORMALLY.
The newspaper was immediately fired.
PAGE 10 — THIS SHOULD BE THE END
If you have reached this page, congratulations.
There is no prize.
The prize was accidentally mailed to a lighthouse.
The lighthouse returned it.
The postal service then misplaced the lighthouse.
Nobody has discussed this since.
So, naturally, here is the conclusion:
Everything is fine.
Nothing is fine.
The chair is still talking.
The blue suitcase has been promoted.
Tuesday has apologized.
The orange button has disappeared.
The dragon from the cupboard is now a dentist.
Greg has found the door.
The fish changed its phone number.
The mayor has resigned.
The seventeen umbrellas now work for the government.
The newspaper has become a bicycle.
The bicycle has become a question.
The question is:
WHY?
Nobody knows.
Honestly, after ten pages, nobody particularly cares.
END
Wait.
No.
There is one more thing.
The potato has been located.
It was under the table the entire time.
It has something to say.
The potato is labeled:
PAGE 47 IS STILL MISSING.
There are only ten pages.
This is unacceptable.
The potato has requested a meeting.
The meeting is scheduled for Tuesday.
Tuesday has declined.
The chair has accepted.
The dragon will be taking minutes.
Greg will not be attending because he has forgotten who he is.
The orange button has been invited.
Nobody knows why.
The blue suitcase has already arrived.
It is carrying a second document.
The second document begins:
CHAPTER ONE — THE DOCUMENT THAT SHOULD NOT BE HERE
Oh no.
We've started again.
END OF DOCUMENT
END OF DOCUMENT
END OF DOCUMENT
END
WAIT
[FILE CORRUPTED]
[PAGE 47 FOUND]
[PAGE 47 IMMEDIATELY LOST]
[SOMETHING ABOUT TUESDAY]
[POTATO HAS DECLINED TO COMMENT]
[THE END]