CHAPTER ONE — THE DOCUMENT THAT SHOULD NOT BE HERE

WARNING: this is probably not a chapter.

WARNING 2: nobody knows what page this is.
WARNING 3: why are you still reading.

The following document was written at approximately 30% zoom, which is

important because the author could not see anything. Some sentences may
therefore be facing the wrong direction. Several paragraphs have apparently
escaped. Page numbers are theoretical.

PAGE 1

It began on Tuesday, although Tuesday had not been invented yet.

Mr. Blenkinsop opened the window and discovered that the window was
actually a receipt for twelve sandwiches.

“That's unusual,” he said.

“No it isn't,” replied the chair.

The chair had been saying strange things since 1987.

On the desk there was a letter.

On the letter there was another letter.

Inside the second letter was a smaller desk.

Inside the desk was a potato.

The potato was labeled:

DO NOT OPEN UNTIL PAGE 47

There were only ten pages.

This created an administrative problem.

Meanwhile, somewhere approximately north of the refrigerator, a mysterious

committee was holding a meeting about spoons.

Nobody knew why.

Nobody had invited the spoons.

The chairman stood up.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” he announced, “we have run out of minutes.”

Someone checked the clock.

The clock disagreed.

The clock said banana.

This was considered acceptable.

A man wearing a green hat entered the room backwards.

“Sorry I'm late.”

“You are three days early.”

“Excellent.”

He left.

Nobody asked his name.

This was probably the correct decision.

IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE

The previous paragraph may be entirely unrelated to the next paragraph.

It probably is.

PAGE 2

THE SECOND CHAPTER WHICH IS STILL CHAPTER ONE

At approximately 11:62 in the morning, the village alarm began making soup
noises.

Nobody panicked because this happened every Thursday.

Unfortunately, it was Wednesday.

A blue suitcase sat in the middle of the road.

The suitcase was empty.

Then it wasn't.

Then it contained a small railway station.

Then the railway station contained another suitcase.

This process continued until somebody shouted:

STOP DOING THAT

So it stopped.

Probably.

The mayor arrived carrying seventeen umbrellas.

It was not raining.

He explained that the umbrellas were for emotional weather.

Nobody understood.

He explained again.

Nobody understood more efficiently.

Meanwhile, a newspaper from 1994 had somehow become mayor of the

neighboring town.

Its first law was:

All Tuesdays must be folded before use.

The population voted unanimously.

There were only four people.

Three of them were asleep.

The fourth was a mailbox.

This is why democracy is complicated.

PAGE 3

The following section has been deliberately misplaced.

SECTION B

There was a castle.

Or possibly a supermarket.

The architecture suggested both.

A long hallway stretched into darkness, except it did not stretch very far
because somebody had put a wall there.

On the wall was a painting of a horse.

The horse was holding a smaller painting of a wall.

The smaller painting showed a horse holding a smaller painting of a wall.

This became irritating.

A door opened.

A voice said:

“Who goes there?”

“Me.”

“Who is me?”

“I don't know.”

“Fair enough.”

The door closed.

Three seconds later it opened again.

“Actually, what is your name?”

“Greg.”

“Thank you, Greg.”

“You're welcome.”

Greg walked away.

He immediately forgot why he was there.

He returned.

The door was gone.

In its place was a vending machine selling philosophical questions for 40

cents.

Greg inserted a coin.

The machine displayed:

IF A TREE FALLS IN A FOREST AND NOBODY HEARS IT, DOES IT STILL
OWE RENT?

Greg requested a refund.

The machine declined.

The machine then printed seventeen meters of paper.

Nobody read it.

This was probably important.

PAGE 4

A COMPLETELY NORMAL INTERRUPTION

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Sorry.

The document briefly malfunctioned.

Continuing.

The train arrived at platform 6½, which was strange because the station only
had six platforms.

A conductor checked his clipboard.

The clipboard checked him back.

“Ticket?”

“I have a receipt.”

“For what?”

“An elephant.”

“Where is the elephant?”

“On the receipt.”

The conductor sighed.

“That's not how tickets work.”

The passenger looked offended.

“Then why did the receipt say elephant?”

There was no answer.

The train doors opened.

Inside was a library.

Inside the library was a swimming pool.

Inside the swimming pool was a telephone.

The telephone rang.

Nobody answered.

It rang again.

A fish answered.

“Hello?”

There was silence.

The fish listened carefully.

Then it said:

“Wrong number.”

And hung up.

This entire event took approximately nine seconds.

It occupied fourteen pages in the official report.

The official report has since disappeared.

Probably for the best.

PAGE 5

NOTES FOUND UNDER A TABLE

 buy milk

 don't buy milk

 milk has become suspicious

 call Kevin
  Kevin doesn't exist

 check the cupboard

 there is a dragon in the cupboard

 ignore dragon

 dragon probably knows what happened

 ask dragon about Tuesday

 Tuesday refuses to comment

 page 5 was supposed to contain something meaningful

 it does not

 WHY IS THE FONT DOING THAT

 remember to fix spelling

 don't fix spelling

 spelling is now a government issue

 government has been replaced by three ducks

 ducks have no comment

At this point the author apparently stopped writing normally.

The next sentence was:

the green thing went over there and then the door became a
sandwich because reasons.

This was followed by 48 blank lines.

Then:

NO.

Then another 22 blank lines.

Then:

The moon was square.

Nobody noticed.
PAGE 6

THE GREAT INCIDENT OF THE ORANGE BUTTON

There was an orange button.

It was labeled:

DO NOT PRESS

Naturally, someone pressed it.

Nothing happened.

Everyone waited.

Still nothing.

Someone pressed it again.

The ceiling apologized.

A third person asked whether the ceiling had always been capable of
apologizing.

The ceiling said no.

This raised several legal questions.

A lawyer was summoned.

The lawyer arrived riding a bicycle made entirely of dictionaries.

He dismounted.

“Where is the button?”

“Over there.”

He looked at it.

“Oh.”

“What?”

“I can't represent you.”

“Why?”

“I am a dictionary lawyer.”

“What does that mean?”

“I only handle cases involving definitions.”

He left.

The button remained.

Five minutes later it turned purple.

Nobody pressed it.

It turned purple again.

Then green.

Then Tuesday.

Then it became a photograph of itself.

This was described by one witness as:

“Very weird.”

Another witness described it as:

“Honestly, kind of Tuesday.”

The investigation was abandoned after lunch.

PAGE 7

SOME HISTORY THAT MAY NOT BE HISTORICAL

In the year 14, the people of Somewhere invented the spoon.

Unfortunately, they had already invented the fork.

This resulted in a prolonged national argument.

The fork claimed superiority because it had several points.

The spoon claimed superiority because it could hold soup.

The knife refused to participate.

The plate attempted mediation.

The bowl left the country.

Eventually, everyone agreed that the fork was useful.

The spoon remained offended for approximately 600 years.

Modern historians disagree about whether this actually happened.

Some historians claim it did.

Other historians claim the entire civilization was invented by a bored

accountant.

The accountant denies this.

However, the accountant also denies being an accountant.

This has made research difficult.

RANDOM FACT

A completely unrelated sentence now appears:

The blue bicycle has no connection to the previous paragraph

whatsoever.

The blue bicycle would like that to be recorded.

It has submitted a formal complaint.

The complaint is 93 pages long.

Page 92 is just the word potato.

Page 93 is a drawing of a door.

Nobody knows where page 1 went.

PAGE 8

THE TEXT STARTS GOING WRONG AGAIN

I was going to explain something here but

wait

what was it

oh yes

the thing

the extremely important thing

which was
actually

not important

forget it.

A bird flew into the room.

It was carrying a newspaper.

The headline said:

LOCAL MAN LOSES ARGUMENT WITH HIS OWN SHOE

The article was mostly blank.

At the bottom was a recipe for soup.

The soup recipe contained no soup.

Ingredients:

1. one Tuesday

2. two pencils

3. half a bicycle

4. seventeen clouds

5. salt, if available

6. absolutely no soup

Instructions:

First, place the Tuesday on a table.

Wait.

Do not put the Tuesday on the table.

The Tuesday may become angry.

Instead, place the table inside the Tuesday.

This is difficult.

If successful, congratulations.

If unsuccessful, make toast.

The bird read the recipe.

The bird shook its head.

Then it ate the newspaper.

The author has decided that this is enough explanation.

It isn't.

But it will have to be.

PAGE 9

MISSING PAGE

This page was originally supposed to contain an important development.

Unfortunately, the development has been misplaced.

We apologize.

Please check behind the sofa.

Nothing?

Check under the sofa.

Still nothing?

Ask the sofa.

The sofa knows.

The sofa refuses to speak.

Fine.

We continue without it.

A mysterious man appeared at midnight carrying a briefcase.

“What is inside?”

“Documents.”

“What kind?”

“Important ones.”

“Can I see them?”

“No.”
“Why?”

“Because they are extremely boring.”

He opened the briefcase.

Inside were:

 14 rubber ducks

 a calculator

 a receipt for one cucumber

 a map of a place that does not exist

 a second briefcase

 another map

 one extremely angry raisin

The raisin shouted:

PUT ME BACK.

Everyone froze.

The mysterious man closed the briefcase.

Nobody mentioned the raisin again.

Outside, it began raining sideways.

A newspaper reported that the rain was normal.

The newspaper was immediately fired.

PAGE 10

FINAL PAGE, PROBABLY

If you have reached this page, congratulations.

There is no reward.

There was supposed to be a reward, but the reward was accidentally mailed
to a lighthouse.

The lighthouse returned it.

The postal service then misplaced the lighthouse.

This is why the document has no conclusion.

Actually, here is the conclusion:

Everything is fine.

Nothing is fine.

The chair is still talking.

The blue suitcase has been promoted.

Tuesday has apologized.

The orange button has disappeared.

The dragon from the cupboard has become a dentist.

Greg has found the door.

The fish changed its phone number.

The mayor has resigned.

The seventeen umbrellas are now employed by the government.

Nobody understands why.

The newspaper has become a bicycle.

The bicycle has become a question.

The question has become:

WHY?

Nobody knows.

And honestly, after ten pages, nobody particularly cares.

END

WAIT

This isn't the end.

There is one more thing.

The potato from page one has been located.

It was under the table the entire time.

It says:

PAGE 47 IS STILL MISSING.

There are only ten pages.

This is unacceptable.

END OF DOCUMENT

END OF DOCUMENT

END OF DOCUMENT

(probably)

[file corrupted]

[text missing]

[something about Tuesday]

[THE END]