AEC743

[Link]

Leading Difcult Conversations Series #4:

Communication Styles under Stress1
Christy C. Chiarelli2

Introduction nonverbal signals in social interactions denoting who he or

she is or wants to appear to be, how he or she tends to relate
Tis publication series is geared toward leaders who face
to people with whom he or she interacts, and in what way
having difcult conversations in their professional roles. For
his or her messages should usually be interpreted” (DeVries
the purposes of this Leading Difcult Conversations series,
et al., 2009, p. 179).
difcult conversations are described as conversations where
two or more individuals have opposing opinions, strong Efective communication and leadership abilities are
emotions are present, and the stakes related to the outcome critical in today’s workforce, and the study of one’s personal
are high (Patterson et al., 2012). Earlier in this publication leadership communication styles is important to grow
series, the following principles of preparing for difcult professionally (Rogers, 2012). One way for leaders to better
conversations were established: (1) defning the issue, (2) comprehend their communication style is to understand
determining your motive for the conversation, and (3) how their style is infuenced by stress. By understanding
creating a safe conversation environment. how communication styles are infuenced by stress, a leader
can become a “vigilant self-monitor” (Patterson et al., 2012,
Tis publication focuses on helping leaders better under-
p. 63). Self-monitoring is important because it increases
stand their communication style when under stress. Even
the leader’s ability to manage their own emotions to ensure
with adequate preparation, difcult conversations can still
professionalism and politeness remain throughout the
be stressful. By understanding their communication style
conversation” (Farrell, 2015).
under stress, leaders can better regulate their personal
responses to ensure a productive conversation.
Silence and Violence Spectrum
Understanding Communication Ofen difcult conversations cause stress levels to increase.
When stress is introduced into the conversation, individuals
Styles tend to fall within a reaction spectrum of silence to violence
Efective interpersonal communication is a core component (Patterson et al., 2012). Silence is described as intentionally
of leadership (Kuria, 2019). Just as personality styles difer withholding information through various methods such
among individuals, everyone has a unique communica- as masking, avoiding, and withdrawing, while violence
tion style as well. Communication style is defned as the is described as forcefully trying to make others agree.
“characteristic way a person sends verbal, paraverbal, and Violence tactics include controlling the conversation,

1. This publication is AEC743, one of a series of the Department of Agricultural Education and Communication, UF/IFAS Extension. Original publication
date December 2021. Visit the EDIS website at [Link] for the currently supported version of this publication.

2. Christy C. Chiarelli, assistant Extension scientist & director, Wedgeworth Leadership Institute, Department of Agricultural Education and
Communication; UF/IFAS Extension Gainesville, FL, 32611.

The Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences (IFAS) is an Equal Opportunity Institution authorized to provide research, educational information and other services
only to individuals and institutions that function with non-discrimination with respect to race, creed, color, religion, age, disability, sex, sexual orientation, marital status,
national origin, political opinions or afliations. For more information on obtaining other UF/IFAS Extension publications, contact your county’s UF/IFAS Extension ofce.
U.S. Department of Agriculture, UF/IFAS Extension Service, University of Florida, IFAS, Florida A & M University Cooperative Extension Program, and Boards of County
Commissioners Cooperating. Andra Johnson, dean for UF/IFAS Extension.

Reviewed: 05/2025
labeling others, and attacking others (Patterson et al., 2012). Managing Your Communication
Regardless of the tactic used, all these reactions move the
conversation further away from dialogue. Style under Stress
Te results from the Communication Styles under Stress
Assessment can be used to assist leaders in recognizing
which end of the silence/violence spectrum they tend to
move toward during stressful situations. Once a leader
recognizes their style under stress, they can develop
Additional descriptions of each communication style under strategies to ensure their communication style continues
stress include: to promote dialogue even in times of stress. Te following
strategies can be used to promote productive dialogue:
Silence Reactions
• Masking is seen when individuals employ sarcasm or • Stay Present
sugarcoating within a conversation. Masking refers to During a conversation, when you notice your body
selectively sharing one’s true feelings about the issue at beginning to give you emotional or physical cues pushing
hand. you toward silence or violence, internally commit to
• Avoiding refers to refusing to engage in a difcult staying present during the conversation. One tangible
conversation. Individuals may still engage with others, way to stay present is to utilize self-talk or a visual cue.
but they will not discuss certain topics that could create When you feel emotional or physical signals indicating
challenging conversations. stress happening, concentrate on someone or something
that brings peace to you. Hamilton (2015) explains that
• Withdrawing occurs when an individual physically leaves when she is in a tough conversation, she reminds herself
the space or abruptly leaves the conversation and topic. of her son and the funny way he tells her to calm down
Violence Reactions when she gets frustrated. Tis reminder helps her to stay
• Controlling is domineering the conversation. Common present in the conversation.
tactics include overstating facts, speaking in absolutes,
• Manage Your Emotions
and changing the subject to force others to agree.
We cannot control what others say or do. We can only
• Labeling is an attempt to stereotype another person to
control how we respond. Emotions occur when we add
undervalue their opinion or perspective. Individuals who
meaning to the words we heard or the actions we ob-
label are attempting to discount who the person is as a
served. Sometimes we add meaning to words or actions
tactic to undermine what the person is saying.
that the speaker never intended. Leaders can manage
• Attacking is seen when an individual’s conversation their emotions by determining if there are facts to
tactics move to threatening or belittling the other speaker support the emotion they are feeling. Facts are “specifc,
(Patterson et al., 2012). objective and verifable” (Patterson et al., 2012, p. 115).
While these styles under stress are not fattering behaviors,
understanding one’s tendencies can serve as a productive For example, during a difcult conversation, you notice
leadership tool. Te organization Crucial Learning has an your direct report keeps looking down at his phone
excellent resource to assist leaders in determining their during the conversation. At frst, you want to get angry
communication style under stress. Te survey below is a because this action must mean he is not taking the
tool to assist in determining a leader’s communication style conversation seriously. However, instead of becoming
under stress. frustrated by his action, you decide to ask him about this
specifc behavior. He shares with you that his mother
Directions: Click on this link to take a short assessment to is having surgery today and he is anxiously waiting for
determine your typical communication style under stress: an update. Addressing the facts in a situation may lead
Style under Stress Assessment to uncovering new information that could impact the
conversation.

Leading Difcult Conversations Series #4: Communication Styles under Stress 2

• Stay Focused on What You Really Want Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R., & Switzler, A.
When emotions run high, it can be tempting for leaders (2012). Crucial conversations: Tools for talking when the
to focus on the emotion they are feeling instead of the stakes are high. McGraw-Hill.
outcome they desire. When emotion and stress enter the
Rogers, R. (2012). Leadership communication styles: A
conversation, leaders must remind themselves to con-
descriptive analysis of health care professionals. Journal of
tinue to pursue the “elusive and,” which refers to defning
Healthcare Leadership, 4(1), 47–57. [Link]
the outcome they want and the outcome they do not want
JHL.S30795
(Patterson et al., 2012, p. 46). For example, a leader who
must address a performance issue with a direct report
may want to address poor performance but does not
want the employee to feel disrespected. In this case, if the
conversation becomes emotional, it could be helpful for
the leader to remember their intended goal: “My goal is
to have an honest conversation with Mary about her poor
work performance and treat her with respect.” Staying
focused on the desired outcome is an important method
to avoid potentially being distracted by emotions.

Summary
Leaders are not immune from feeling stress during difcult
conversations. By understanding default tendencies under
stress, leaders can begin to employ strategies to mitigate
behaviors not conducive to dialogue. Committing to staying
present, managing emotions and remaining focused on the
intended outcome are strategies to use to overcome being
controlled by silence or violence communication styles in a
stressful conversation.

References
Crucial Learning. (2021, August 30). Style under
stress 12 assessment. Crucial Learning. Retrieved
September 17, 2021, from [Link]
style-under-stress-12-assessment/

De Vries, R. E., Bakker-Pieper, A., Robert, A. S., Kim, V.

G., & Martijn, V. (2009). Te content and dimensionality
of communication styles. Communication Research, 36(2),
178-206. [Link]

Farrell, M. (Column Editor). (2015). Difcult conversations.

Journal of Library Administration, 55(4), 302–311. https://
[Link]/10.1080/01930826.2015.1038931

Hamilton, D. M. (2015). Calming your brain during

confict. Harvard Business Review. [Link]
calming-your-brain-during-confict

Kuria, G. N. (2019). Literature review: Leader communica-

tion styles and work outcomes. International Journal of
Scientifc & Engineering Research, 10(1), 1956–1965.

Leading Difcult Conversations Series #4: Communication Styles under Stress 3