Unassertive thinking

As mentioned in Module 1, one of the factors that can make it difficult for us to be
assertive is our thinking. We all hold beliefs about ourselves, other people and
how the world works. Usually, these beliefs came from our experience in the world
and made sense to us at the time. However, even though we have moved on
from these experiences we may not have updated our thinking. For example, as
a child we may have been taught by our family not to express sadness because if
we did, we would be ridiculed. In that situation it would have made sense for us to
have the belief: “expressing sadness is bad and if I do people will make fun of
me”. As an adult however we may still have this belief even though we are no
longer in the same situation. We continue to assume that the belief is true without
checking it out. As a result, we may never express our sadness which may
result in us being stressed, depressed and not connected with ourselves and the
world. Or alternatively our sadness may be expressed as anger towards
ourselves or other people.

Below are listed a number of typical unassertive thoughts. See if any of them apply
to you.

 I shouldn’t say how I’m really feeling or thinking because I don’t want
to burden others with my problems.
 If I assert myself I will upset the other person and ruin our relationship
 It will be terribly embarrassing if I say what I think
 If someone says “no” to my request it is because they don’t like or love
me
 I shouldn’t have to say what I need or how I feel: people close to
me should already know
 It is uncaring, rude and selfish to say what you want
 I have no right to change my mind; neither has anyone else
 It will all work out in the end, and anyway it’s not my fault
 People should keep their feelings to themselves
 If I express that I am feeling anxious people will think I am weak and
ridicule me or take advantage of me.
 If I accept compliments from someone it will mean I am big headed.
 Take a minute and see if you can identify any more unassertive beliefs that you
have. Modules 6, 7, 8, and 9 deal with and identify unassertive thoughts
associated with saying “no”, coping with criticism, dealing with disappointment and
giving and receiving criticism, so you may get some ideas from those modules.

Our Assertive Rights

Many of the ideas now associated with assertiveness training were first proposed in
Manuel
J. Smith’s book “When I say No I feel Guilty” published in 1975. This book
outlined a ten-point “bill of assertive rights”. Assertive rights are the rights that
we all have as human beings. Some of these rights are:

 You have the right to judge your own behaviour, thoughts, and
emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and
consequences upon yourself.
 You have the right to say “no”.
 You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your
behaviour.
 You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions
to other people's problems.
 You have the right to change your mind.
 You have the right to disagree with someone’s opinion.
 You have the right to make mistakes - and be responsible for them.
 You have the right to say, 'I don't know'.
 You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.
 You have the right to say, 'I don't understand'.
 You have the right to say, 'I don't care'.
 An important part of these rights is that they come linked with
responsibilities. You will notice the first point says that you have the right to
your own thoughts, behaviour and emotions, but that you must then take
responsibility for the consequences of these thoughts and behaviours. Often people
think they are behaving assertively, but they are ignoring the consequences of their
actions and the rights of others. This would be more typical of an aggressive style
of communication.

See if you can think of any other rights, particularly ones that balance out any
unhelpful beliefs you identified in the last section.

How to change your beliefs

Identifying your unhelpful beliefs is the first step towards changing them. In fact,
for some people just realising that they have been thinking this way can be
enough to help them change, especially when they realise they have the right
to change and think in a different way.
However, for most people just realising they have been thinking in an unhelpful
way isn’t enough to change the thinking. In Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT)
one way of addressing unhelpful thoughts is to challenge them head on. This is
also called disputation. Challenging or disputation works on the principle that most
of our thoughts and beliefs are learned opinions rather than facts. This means that
they can be questioned rather than just accepted blindly, particularly if they are
causing us distress.
To challenge or dispute your thoughts means that you examine the evidence for
and against the thoughts. You evaluate them as if you were a detective or a
lawyer. You are trying to get to the bottom of the truth of the thought.
 There are two major strategies that can be used to help you challenge your
thoughts. One is to use a Thought Diary. The other is to set up a Behavioural
Experiment. We will take a look at each of these in turn.

Thought Diaries

It can be difficult to challenge your thoughts in your head as it is hard to remember

all the information and it can get messy and confusing. The best way is to write it
all down. To help you through this process we have a Thought Diary for
Unassertive Thoughts. We have worked through an example to show you the
questions that you will need to ask yourself in order to come up with a more
balanced thought. Then we provide a blank one for you to work through with
an example of your own.

The thought diary will ask you to identify the unassertive thought that you are
having. In order to do this you first need to identify the situation you are
in. In the following example the situation could be described as: “I asked my
friend to go shopping and she said “no”. In describing the situation think about
what you would have seen if you had been filming the scene. It is important that
you just stick to the facts and don’t start making interpretations about what this
may mean at this stage. For example, you wouldn’t say “my friend was rude to
me” as this is an assumption and an interpretation that we don’t have any
evidence for yet.

Next you need to identify your emotions in the situation, that is, how you are
feeling. Ask yourself:
What emotion(s) am I feeling?
How intense are they? (rate the intensity from 0-100).

In the following example the person feels hurt and annoyed. The ratings are done
individually for each emotion; they don’t need to add up to 100.
You then identify your behaviour and any physical symptoms that you felt. Ask
yourself: What did I do?
What did I feel in my body?
In the following example the person ignored a phone call from her friend and felt
tense and sick whenever she thought about the situation.

Next you need to identify your thoughts in the situation. These thoughts
can take the forms of assumptions, interpretations, beliefs, values and so on.
Sometimes they could even take the form of images or pictures rather than
words. Ask yourself:
What was I thinking?
What was running through my head?

In the example the person’s thoughts were:

I said ‘yes’ to go shopping with her when I didn’t
want to. So she should have said ‘yes’ to me
Saying ‘No’ is rude, uncaring and selfish.
Maybe she doesn’t like me any
more.

You then need to rate the strength of your beliefs in these thoughts at
the time. A rating of 0 means you didn’t believe them at all and a rating of 100
means you believed them 100%. Once you have completed this first part of
the Thought Diary you move onto the disputation. The questions you ask
yourself in the disputation are:
Am I thinking in a passive, assertive or
aggressive way? Did I respond in a passive,
assertive or aggressive way? What is the
evidence for this thought?
What is the evidence against this thought?
Am I ignoring my rights or the rights of my
friends? How else could I view the situation?
Are there any other interpretations of what happened?

The idea behind asking yourself these questions is to come up with a

more balanced and assertive way of thinking and behaving. You
ask yourself:
What would be a more assertive way of thinking and responding?

The final step is to re-rate the intensity of the original emotion and
strength of the belief. If you have worked through the entire thought diary it is
likely that you will
experience a decrease in the intensity of the emotion and a decrease in the
degree to which you believe your initial unhelpful thought. If you continue to
practice this way of thinking you can find that you begin thinking and behaving in
a more assertive manner.

Thought Diary: Part 1 Understanding your reaction.

Situation: I asked a friend to go shopping with me and she said
“no”.
What emotions was I feeling? Hurt 70
How Angry 80
strong were these? Rate (0-100)
What physical response did I Tense, tight chest, clenched jaw. Felt sick when I thought
notice in my body? about her.
What did I do? Cried, then ignored the next phone call I had from her.

Was this a passive, assertive or Passive-aggressive

aggressive way of behaving?
What thoughts were running I said ‘yes’ to go shopping with her when I didn’t want
through my head? to.
So she should have said ‘yes’ to
me She is selfish to say “no”.
Maybe she doesn’t like me anymore.
Which is the strongest thought? She is selfish for saying “No”.
How much do I believe this 80
thought?
Are these passive, assertive or Passive because I thought I should do something I didn’t
aggressive thoughts? want
to do.
Aggressive that I think she should do what I want her
to.

Part 2: Disputing or challenging your unassertive thoughts

Is there any evidence that my None
thought is true?
Is there any evidence that my She has done lots of things with me and for me over the course
thought is not true? of our
friendship.
Am I ignoring my rights or the Yes, I ignored my rights by saying “yes” when I didn’t want to go
rights of the other person? If so, shopping.
what am I ignoring? And I am ignoring her rights by acting as if she has to do what I
want. The right I am ignoring is “everyone has the right to
say “no”.”
Are there any other ways of She may be tired
interpreting the situation? She may not want to go
shopping She may have
something else on
I’m mind-reading what she is thinking.
I’ve said no to her sometimes and that didn’t mean that I didn’t like
her.
What would be a more She has a right to say no and that doesn’t mean she is selfish. Nor
assertive does it
way to think about this? say anything about what she may or may not think about me.
What would be a more I will suggest catching up another time doing something that we
assertive both
way to behave? like.
Rerate my original emotion: Hurt 20
Rerate my belief in the original Angry 10
thought:
Belief: 10
Try using a Thought Diary for Unassertive Behaviour next time you notice that
you are feeling hurt, angry or upset after an interaction with someone. It may be
that you have thought and /or reacted in an unassertive manner. Continue to use
a Thought Diary for these situations until it becomes second nature to you. You
will then find that you can catch your unassertive thoughts before you act on
them and dispute them in your head. This can take some time to happen, so for
now continue to practice disputation in a Thought Diary.

Now try a Thought Diary of your own. There is a blank one on the next page:
Thought Diary: Part 1 Understanding your reaction.

Situation:

What emotions was I

feeling?
How strong were these?
Rate (0-100)
What physical response
did I
notice in my body?
What did I do?

Was this a passive,

assertive
or aggressive way of
behaving?
What thoughts were
running
through my head?
Which is the strongest
thought?
How much do I believe
this
thought?
Are these passive,
assertive
or aggressive thoughts?

Part 2: Disputing or challenging your unassertive thoughts

Is there any evidence that
my
thought is true?
Is there any evidence that
my
thought is not true?
Am I ignoring my rights or
the rights of the other
person? If so, what am I
ignoring?
Are there any other ways
of
interpreting the situation?
What would be a more
assertive way to think
about this?
What would be a more
assertive way to behave?
Rerate my original
emotion:
Rerate my belief in the
original thought:
Behavioural Experiments

Doing a Thought Diary can help us change our beliefs about a situation. This is
especially true when we write then down and practise our new thoughts
over and over again.
Sometimes however it is hard for us to shift our beliefs when all we are doing is
writing down our thoughts. We might see that it makes sense logically but feel
inside that nothing has really changed. Thought Diaries may also be difficult to
use when there is no real evidence for or against a particular situation. For
example, we may have the belief that if we don’t always do what someone else
wants us to do then they won’t like us anymore. We are unlikely to put
ourselves in this situation to test this out so doing a Thought Diary on its own is
unlikely to really convince us simply because we have no real evidence either
way.

What may be more useful in this situation is to do a Behavioural Experiment.

We are still trying to change our beliefs but whereas a Thought Diary helps us
change beliefs by thinking differently about the belief, a Behavioural Experiment
helps us change beliefs by actually giving us some evidence to support a new
belief.

For example, someone may have the belief: “If I assert myself then I will upset the
other person and ruin our relationship”. This belief has meant that the person has
always gone along with what others suggest even though it may be the complete
opposite of what they really want to do. They believe it so much they have never
considered trying to assert themselves. They have completed some Thought
Diaries and realised that they don’t really have any evidence to support their
belief. However, neither do they have any evidence against it so they feel a bit
stuck.

They decide that one way they can find out is to do an experiment where they
actually test their prediction that the other person will be upset and the
relationship will be ruined. This will be a challenge and can be quite anxiety
provoking. When deciding to do an experiment it is important that you plan it
carefully so that the results will be clear. Also you may need to start with an
easier experiment and then build up to more difficult situations.

The following example is an experiment to test the belief: “If I assert myself then I
will upset the other person and ruin our relationship”.
The first step is to identify the prediction that you have about the situation and
how you will know if it has happened. This is an important step, as if you don’t
make it clear how you will know it has happened then you can easily shift the goal
posts after the experiment.

You also need to identify any unassertive or unhelpful behaviours that you would
normally do so that you can make sure that you don’t do these during the
experiment.

Then you need to make some more helpful predictions about what may happen.
These can come from having done a Thought Diary beforehand or you may be
able to identify them without having done a Thought Diary.

You then set up the experiment. This involves being very clear about the steps you
will take. Make it clear when, where and how you will do the experiment. This
includes identifying some more helpful behaviours that you will do during the
experiment.

You then do the experiment and evaluate the results. Ask

yourself: What happened?
Were your original predictions
supported? What did you learn from the
experiment?
 Example Behavioural experiment
Step 1. Identify the prediction.
The situation Telling my friend I don’t want to go shopping with her.
My prediction She will be upset and angry and not want to be my friend anymore
How much do I believe 70%
it
will happen? (0-100%)
How will I know it has She will hang up on me and not return my calls or ring me.
happened?
Step 2: Identify my unhelpful behaviours
What unhelpful Make up excuses, pretend to be sick, avoid her until it is too late.
behaviours would I
normally engage in to
cope (e.g. avoidance,
escape, safety
behaviours)

Step 3: Identify a more realistic prediction

Remind myself of the She has said no to me before and that was fine. She may be disappointed
more realistic but if
prediction I have made she is a good friend she won’t be angry and our friendship will be fine.
(can be from a
Thought Diary)

Step 4:Identify my helpful behaviours and set up my experiment

What will I do Instead of avoiding her I will ring her today first thing and explain that I
differently have a
to test out the two meeting I need to prepare for so don’t want to go shopping. I will
predictions? organise another time to catch up with her.

Step 5: carry out the experiment. Step 6: Evaluate the results

What actually She said it was fine and in fact suited her too. We made a time for a
happened? coffee next
week.
How much did my 0%
original
prediction come true?
(0-100%)
Which prediction was The more realistic one.
supported?
What was it like to Scary, difficult at first, got easier.
behave differently?
What did you learn from I tend to expect the worst and this has kept me behaving in a passive
the experiment? way. It felt
good to be honest and direct. Being assertive doesn’t mean that people
will be upset with you and if they are then that is their problem to
work on.

Overleaf is a blank experiment sheet for you to work through with one of your
unassertive predictions.
 My Behavioural experiment

Step 1. Identify the prediction.

The situation
My prediction
How much do I
believe it will
happen? (0-100%)
How will I know it
has happened?

Step 2: Identify my unhelpful behaviours

What unhelpful
behaviours would
I normally engage in
to cope (e.g.
avoidance, escape,
safety behaviours)

Step 3: Identify a more realistic prediction

Remind myself of
the
more realistic
prediction I have
made (can be from
a Thought Diary)

Step 4: Identify my helpful behaviours and set up my experiment

What will I do
differently to test
out the two
predictions?

Step 5: Carry out the experiment. Step 6: Evaluate the results

What actually
happened?
How much did my
original prediction
come true? (0-
100%)
Which prediction
was
supported?
What was it like to
behave differently?
What did you learn
from the
experiment?