Something Rotten!

Side 1: WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

SHAKESPEARE
So! Nigel. What are you and that brother of yours working on? A tragedy? A comedy? A
tragic attempt at comedy? (to the crowd) See what I did there? (THEY don't laugh
enough) SEE WHAT I DID?? (THEY laugh harder.)

NIGEL
Actually, Nick doesn't want me to tell anyone.

SHAKESPEARE
Oh, God, he's so paranoid. Always has been. Even when I was a lowly actor in his sad
little troupe, he was so insecure. Of course, with you as his partner, he has even more
reason to be. I've read your sonnet. (HE puts a hand on Nigel's shoulder, nods like
"yeah, that's right, I read it." NIGEL waits for a comment. SHAKESPEARE finds a bit of
dust on Nigel's coat, flicks it off. Nigel is in agony, waiting.) It's good. Quite good. I'd love
to read more. (feigning surprise) Oh-is that your folio? (HE points to Nigel's leather
notebook).

NIGEL
What, this? Oh, this is just-a collection of random lines and thoughts ...

SHAKESPEARE
Would you like me to give it a looky-loo? What am I saying? Of course you would! l'm
Shakespeare!

CROWD
(singing, raising a glass) SHAKESPEAREl

SHAKESPEARE
(takes Nigel's notebook, reads) Hmnm... "All the world's a stage." Good line, that.
(There's a commotions the door as SHYLOCK and NICK enter. SHAKESPEARE steps
away, flipping through pages.)

DOORMAN
Hey, you're not allowed in here … (DOORMAN tries to stop them.)

SHYLOCK
It's okay he's my plus one ...

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 NICK
Trust me I have no desire to stay… (backing into the room) …I'm just looking for my …
(seeing Nigel) Brother! There you are! Why the hell are ... oh, hello Will.
(SHAKESPEARE hides the notebook behind his back.)

SHAKESPEARE
Hello, Nick. Been a long time.

NICK
Not long enough. Is that. .. my brother's notebook? (takes it from him) Nice try.

NIGEL
He was just offering to look at my ideas.

NICK
Or his ideas as they'd soon be known.

CROWD
Ooohhh.

SHAKESPEARE
Do you bite your thumb at me sir? (CROWD laugh and lightly applaud.)

NICK
Really? Quoting Romeo and Juliet? Pathetic.

SHAKESPEARE
By my troth, the tartness of his face doth sour the ripened grape.

CROWD
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA

NICK
Oh yeah? Well, by my troth your grape ... is stupid. (NICK instantly winces at what he
said, wishing he could take it back.)

SHAKESPEARE
Such a clever retort, and you can't write a hit?

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 CROWD
Oooooooh... (More LAUGHTER at Nick's expense. HE'S fuming.)

SHAKESPEARE
No, no, no, no, no, no ... we should actually thank this man. He was the one who
suggested I take up writing in the first place.

NICK
'Because you're a shit actor.

SHAKESPEARE
Oh no I'm not!

NICK
Oh yes you are!

SHAKESPEARE
Oh no I'm not!

NICK
Oh yes you are!

SHAKESPEARE
Take it back.

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Side 2: PORTIA and NIGEL

(NIGEL steadies himself.)

NIGEL
Yes, you can. Yes, you can. (HE sits, tries to write) Uggggh, no you can't. (HE stands to
leave and is blocked by A WOMAN IN A CLOAK–PORTIA.) Oh. Good day, mistress.

PORTIA
"Good days were those when lit with love, till dusk of death did herald th'eternal night.''

NIGEL
Hey-I wrote that.

(The WOMAN lowers her hood, revealing herself to be PORTIA.)

PORTIA
Yes, I know. (holding up a page) I accidentally took this after our first encounter. Your
sonnet. It's–perfection.

NIGEL
Really? You thought it was...good?

PORTIA
It ... touched me in places I did not know could be touched. (PORTIA suddenly realizes
how that sounded, turns away–embarrassed.) Forgive me. Poetry is forbidden in my
house, especially poems of earthly love. (melodramatically; to the heavens) OH, IS
THERE NO PITY SITTING IN THE CLOUDS THAT SEES INTO THE BOTTOM OF MY
GRIEF?!

NIGEL
Romeo and Juliet, Act 3, Scene 5.

PORTIA
You've seen it?

NIGEL
Six times, and you?

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 PORTIA
Eight! If my father knew, he would disown me.

NIGEL
My brother, too.

PORTIA
I adore Shakespeare.

NIGEL
Me, too! I've got a Comedy of Errors, first edition.

PORTIA
I've got Sonnet number 1. Signed!

NIGEL
Wow!

PORTIA
I know! Heh-heh, heh-heh ...

NIGEL
Heh-heh, heh-heh … (THEY giggle together; nerdy, awkward laughs and snorts.
Then…weakly) That's awesome.

PORTIA
I think you're his equal–if not better.

NIGEL
What??? No way.

PORTIA
Oh yes. Your sonnet has Shakespearean sophistication mixed with the complexity of
Daniel Webster and the sensitivity of Samuel Daniel.

NIGEL
Wow. You really love poetry.

PORTIA
Oh, I do. I really, really do.

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Side 3: NOSTRADAMUS

NOSTRADAMUS
Did I hear a need for future seeing? (The window closes. We hear footsteps on stairs,
then falling, pots and pans, a cat SCREECH, then a door opens, and Nostradamus
steps out.) If seeing is what you need, then I can help you. If help is what you need,
then I can see you. If neither is what you need, then I can foresee you leaving very
shortly. So–am I hired? Actually, I know I will be, I'm just being polite.

NICK
Who are you?

NOSTRADAMUS
I–am Nostradamus.

NICK
THE Nostradamus?

NOSTRADAMUS
No. I'm his nephew. Thomas.

NICK
Thomas Nostradamus?

NOSTRADAMUS
(raising his hand as if giving oath) I promise. But I share the same gifts as my esteemed
uncle. And for half a crown, l'll share those gifts with you. And I predict for you a new
life...with no teeth! That was a freebie.

NICK
Uhhh ... I'll keep looking if you don't mind.

NOSTRADAMUS
Suit yourself. (getting a vision, then eerily) But beware the sign of the black dog.

NICK
Right. Thank you. Good luck in the asylum. (NOSTRADAMUS goes one way, NICK
goes the other. A PUB SIGN shifts and falls, stopping just before hitting Nick on the
head. It says "TflE BLACK DOG." (or-a MAN walks past carrying a sign, nearly hit Nick

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 with it. When the man turns, we can see the sign says "BLACK DOG PUB")) Half a
crown you said?

(NOSTRADAMUS returns as NICK pays him.)

NOSTRADAMUS
Excellent! Now–what is it you would like the future to tell?

NICK
Well, I'm a writer–

NOSTRADAMUS
I knew that.

NICK
... and I want you to look into the future and tell me… (checks to make sure no one's
listening) What will the next big thing in theater be? –what audiences will be lining up to
see.

NOSTRADAMUS
Right. Stand back. Give me some space. (He shakes out and warms up like an athlete
before an event, then more hacking and clearing his sinuses, then squints hard and
puts his fingers to his temples. He squints–then gets the shivers.) Oh. Oh my. Wow.
Ooooh, in the future, the theaters are very niiiice. Cushy red seats. AND A ROOF! And
wait!. .. whoa, what is this?? It's UNBELIEVABLE!

NICK
What? What?!

NOSTRADAMUS
That much?? For a glass of wine?!?!

NICK
How about what's on the stage?

NOSTRADAMUS
Right. Getting to that... (HE squints, then gets a vision that causes him to stumble
backwards. NICK has to catch him.) Whoa! What spectacle! I have seen the future!

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 NICK
What, what is it??!

NOSTRADAMUS
The biggest, most fantastic thing in theater will be… (painting it in the air) MUSICAl.S.

NICK
What?

NOSTRADAMUS
(painting it again) Musicals.

NICK
What the hell are "musicals?"

NOSTRADAMUS
(squinting into the distance) It appears to be a play where the dialogue stops and the
plot is conveyed through song.

NICK
Through song?

NOSTRADAMUS
Yes.

NICK
Wait, wait. So–an actor is saying his lines and then, out of nowhere, he just starts
singing??

NOSTRADAMUS
Yes!

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Side 4: NICK and NIGEL

NICK
You know the big idea we're looking for? Well, I've got it.

NIGEL
You have?

NICK
Yes. Now, I want you to listen with an open mind because it's a bit radical.

NIGEL
Okay. What is it?

NICK
(painting it in the sky) A MUSICAL. (NIGEL looks confused) It's a play with songs - but
the songs advance the plot and develop character as they seamlessly segue froM
dialogue into singing.

(NIGEL thinks about it for a beat.)

NIGEL
That. .. is ... the most. .. amazing idea.

NICK
Yeah?

NIGEL
It's brilliant actually. How better to express the inner longings of the human soul than
with music? And you're always writing songs on your lute.

NICK
I already dusted it off and started banging out a few tunes. And all those poems of
yours?--there's your lyrics!

NIGEL
Wow. It's perfect for us. How did you come up with this?

NICK
(quickly diverting question) That's--not important. 'But this is good, right?

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 NIGEL
Yeah. "A MUSICAL." I love it.

NICK
We just need to figure out what it's about.

NIGEL
I still say we should tell our...

NICK
Please don't say two brothers from Cornwall.

NIGEL
But why not? I think we should just write something emotionally true, something from
the heart.

NICK
No! We need to think bigger. Was the Bible written from the heart?

NIGEL
Well, I would hope so.

NICK
Okay, it probably was but my point is--Matthew, Mark, Luke? Those writers were writing
about an event. Something big, epic, world-changing. (suddenly hit with an idea) I’ve got
it! Yes! Why didn't I think of this before?

NIGEL
What?!

NICK
The most significant historical event in the last thousand years!

(LIGHTS OUT on them and up on the TROUPE who appears on the stage behind
them.)

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Side 5: BROTHER JEREMIAH

BROTHER JEREMIAH
Brethren, I say unto thee...the theaters are a scourge upon our land! Where men dress
as women and kiss other men. I have seen it myself and it did stiffen my...resolve! (HE
furrows his brow, what did l just say?, then moves on) For such sinful role-play is the
gateway to lustful desires and fantasies of the flesh!

NICK
You really want that guy giving a speech at your wedding reception?

BROTHER JEREMIAH
(pointed, towards Nick and Nigel) Let not thy sacred soul be poisoned by the
playwrights and poets whose dark invention diverts simple minds from the one true
book… (as HE is exiting, effetely to his men) C'mon, boys.

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Side 5: BEA and NICK

(NICK enters. NIGEL is at the table eating from a bowl. BEA is at the cast iron kettle
over the fire.)

NICK
Hello, darling. How was your day? (THEY kiss.)

BEA
Interesting. I went to the stocks and watched the mob throw cabbages at the criminals.

NICK
What'd you do that for?? You hate all that!

BEA
I know, it was awful. (handing him a bowl) Boiled cabbage?

NICK
Ah. I see.

NIGEL
I think it's delicious.

BEA
Aw, thanks Nige. There would've been meat, but the landlord came by demanding the
rent–took our last shilling right out of my hand. Then I was gonna surprise you with
some mutton–but sheep are fast.

NICK
Wait, wh-you chased a SHEEP? Alright, that's it. (HE pushes away from the table and
heads f0r a WOODEN LOCKBOX on the mantle.)

BEA
What are you doing?

NICK
I'm just… (HE grabs the money box. SHE quickly takes it away.)

BEA
No! We've been through this, we do not touch the money box! (SHE puts it back.)

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 NICK
Come on, Bea ... we shouldn't have to live like this. You deserve better.

BEA
And so do you--we all do, and that's what we're saving for. A better life. A simple
cottage in the country, for all of us. You, me, a couple of kids … (taking money back,
passing Nigel) ...a room for Nigel and maybe his wife one day ...

NIGEL
(embarrassed) Oh, stop it…

BEA
Now, I know it's been a while since we've put any money in there, and that's why I was
thinking–I should get a job.

NICK
What? No, if you get a job, that will just make me feel like a failure. None of the other
writers' wives have jobs.

BEA
Well, they should. This is the nineties! We've got a woman on the throne and by the
year 1600, women will be completely equal to men. Ooh! I just thought of the perfect job
for me. I could be in your play!

NICK
What?? You can't act. (SHE BURST INTO TEARS, covers her face with her hands.)
Sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

BEA
Gotcha. See I can act.

NICK
You know it's illegal to put women on stage.

NIGEL
And anyway, our plays been cancelled.

BEA
What?

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 NICK
Not canceled, Nige. That's such a negative way to put it. (firing him a look) I mean, yes,
we are no longer doing Richard the Second but only because we've come up with ... a
better idea.

BEA
Oooh, what is it?

NICK
Can't say. Don't want to jinx it.

BEA
So ... there is no idea.

NICK
Well, we've had the idea… (HE motions to Nigel, help me out here…)

NIGEL
... that we need an idea.

(NICK gives Nigel a "what the hell was that" shrug?)

BEA
Then let me help you! I'll go out and earn some money and that'll take the pressure off
you guys.

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