ASSIGNMENT ON

PASTORAL CARE AND COUNSELING

Submitted to:
Mrs. Vanlaldiki Chawngthu
Assistant Professor
In partial fulfillment of
BMC02: Marriage and Family Counseling

Submitted by:
CR. Lalfakzuala, BD-III

Date: 31/08/2023

Serampore College, Faculty of Theology

Marriage, whether love marriage or arranged marriage, is a bond between two different
people who are of different desires and thoughts. Their difference can cause arguments and
conflicts between them, creating problems of different types. Therefore, as a counselor, a
church worker has several tasks to help those couples who came up with different problems.
In this paper, we will be dealing exclusively on the problems that arise in the sexual life of
the couples and the ways and means through which these problems can be solved. As a
matter of fact, the counselor is not capable of solving each and every problem that the
counselee faced. But the task of the counselor is to help in solving those problems by giving
advice or by following certain steps that could help in overcoming those problems. We will
be dealing with what sexual problems can arise and the ways to find solutions for them.

1. Defining the terms ‘sexual problems’ and ‘marriage’:

The Oxford English dictionary defines sex as „sexual activity, including specifically
sexual intercourse.‟ So, sex is an intercourse between two people. In the perspective of
Christian marriage, it can be defined as the intercourse between a married couple which is
meant for procreation and satisfaction of each other‟s desires. Therefore, sexual problems can
be anything that creates conflict between married couple which effects their sexual life or
misunderstanding in sexual life which creates problems in their marriage life.

The Oxford English dictionary again defines marriage as „the legally or formally
recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship.‟ Historically, it is also
defined as a union between a man and a woman. So, marriage is a union between two people
in order that they depend on each other and form a new family by producing children. It is an
intimate relationship where the people in union came to know about each other in different
spheres which other people never knew about.

Therefore, sex is an important element of marriage and anything that can disturb the
sexual life of two people who are married came to be known as „sexual problems.‟ Hence, it
is very important to unite the two terms together so that the marriage life of the couple can be
strengthened and last longer.

2. Sexual problems between married couples:

The Sage encyclopedia said that sexual problems often arise from different expectations
about sex, including sex frequency and preferred sexual activities1. Usually these preferences
differs from person to person where the couples need to find out their agreement point and act
according to that. Sexologist John Money termed this as „lovemap2.‟ This difference in
lovemap is a natural thing which happens between any two different individuals. But this
problem needs to be solved between the couples.

1
John Carlson and Shannon B. Dermer, eds, “Sex Rersearch and Marriage, Couples, and Family
Counseling,” The SAGE Encyclopedia of Marriage, Family, and Couples Counseling, vol. 4 (New Delhi: SAGE
Publications, Inc., 2017): 1507.
2
Carlson and Dermer, “Sex Research and Marriage,” 4: 1507.

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 There can also be other problems which involve communicating preferences, low libido,
compromised sexual functioning, and a partner‟s history of sexual abuse or assault 3. These
are very importations reasons where the couples need to have an appropriate communication,
concern for each other‟s desires and sexual functioning and the partner‟s sexual history.
When couples failed to consider such things for each other, then sexual problems began to
arise.

Gerald A Juhnke and W. Bryce Hagedorn also said that addiction can be another problem
in couple‟s sexual life. People came to love and trust an object and that love pushes anyone or
anything that interfere in the bond between them and the object4. When one of the couples is
addicted to something, he/she will have more feeling for the addicted object than the partner
and that will create problems between them sexually and also in other ways.

Stan E. DeKoven said that marriage is a relationship between man and woman intended
by God to be a monogamous joining, intended to be a permanent bond in which many needs
are satisfied – the need to love and be loved, the need for deep friendship, for sharing, for
companionship, for sexual satisfaction, for children, the need to escape loneliness 5.
According to him, marriage includes satisfying each other sexually so that there will be no
one included in their sexual life. If a couple satisfies each other sexually, then that can create
even a stronger bond between them. Pratibha Masand had his research on marriage and
divorce, which found out that around 20-30% marriages in India are breaking due to lack of
satisfaction in sexual life6. While marriage, according to DeKoven, is supposed to be
permanent and last for life time, Masand said that the marriage vow is often broken due to
dissatisfaction in sexual desire. So, sex in important in marriage life more than expected.

3. Effects of sexual problems in marriage:

Sexual problems can further lead to several other problems between the couple. Whatever
the problem is, any problem that arises between a married couples makes the marriage life
worse and can cause uneasiness and uncomfortable feeling to both the people. So, it is very
important to study the various problems that arise between them and figure out solutions for
each.

The most effect that sexual problem can cause is insecurity, leading to another problem.
When people are in legal sexual relationship, they felt secure and complete. They have the
feeling of belonging and togetherness. As a song says, two is better than one. And that
togetherness, to a great extent, is brought about by sexual relationship. But if that relationship
fails, then the sense of belonging fades and the couple felt insecure and lonely. Out of that
loneliness, either of them could get themselves involved in immoral sexual relation with other
people to satisfy their sexual needs and that could create more problems between them. This

3
Carlson and Dermer, “Sex Research and Marriage,” 4: 1058.
4
Gerald A Juhnke and W. Bryce Hagedorn, Counseling Addicted Families (New York: Routledge,
2020), 3.
5
Stan E. DeKoven, Marriage and Family Counseling – A Christian Perspective (NP: NP, NY), 6.
6
Pratibha Masand, “Sexual Impotence Emerges as Major Cause of Divorce: Survey,” Times of India
(Mumbai), 15 March, 2023.

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is a common way how divorce is initiated. The unsatisfied partner have to seek for his/her
satisfaction. If that satisfaction could not be provided by the legal partner, then there
definitely will be someone interfering to help them and that third person became the problem,
leading to conflict, and eventually leading to divorce.

Sexual problem can also affect the children. If the parents are not satisfied to their sexual
needs and desires, there will be a conflict between them. That conflict cannot be just between
them, it will definitely affect the family life in different ways. The parents will communicate
lesser, leading to decline in cooperation and this could affect their care for the children as
well. Children feel insecure and this could lead them to find resort in some other things.

Society is also very much effected by family life. Sexual problems, effecting family life
could cause the whole society and the cooperation among them could vary according to the
family conditions. The cooperation of human society starts from the smallest unit or group. If
couples are happy, then the family will be in a good condition. This will boost up the
cooperation among the social community and the church community and goes further.

4. Response and remedy as a counselor:

Sage encyclopedia again says that effective counselor stay apprised of current issues,
cultural and social influences, developmental changes, and gender in working with their
clients7. This could be summarized as the counselor‟s importance in learning about the issues,
its relevance, its affects, and then action upon it. As mentioned earlier, the counselors are not
the ones who can solve the problems. They are not actually involved in the problems. They
simply get information about the problems and they are expected to give guidance in solving
them. Therefore, the counselor needs to be very careful while seeking for remedy in order
that both the parties in conflict are provided with adequate treatment for their problems.

The counselor, according to Daniel Burnabas, has to perform the work of healing,
sustaining, guiding, reconciling, liberating and empowerment 8. Therefore, the counselor must
try to identify the point where the problem arises and then take the necessary steps to solve
them. It is not only to solve the problem, but also to heal the couple in whatever damages
they had done to each other, sustain their relationship and guiding them to move forward
towards better relationship, reconciling them from the problems and liberating them through
a well-planned structure of remedies, and then empowering them to encounter any challenges
that could come in times to come. This is the point where a counselor is in support and the
actual work has to be done by the people involved.

Traditional method mentioned by Harold Taylor is also of great use9. When couples are in
conflict, they used to approach the parents or other senior relatives who has experience on
such things and concerned to do justice on both sides. This is a very practical and reliable
approach, both in rural and urban areas. Many people might prefer this method rather than

7
Carlson and Dermer, “Sex Research and Marriage,” 4: 1508.
8
Daniel Burnabas, A Textbook on Pastoral Care & Counselling (Delhi: Christian World Imprints,
2021), 33-42.
9
Harold Taylor, Tend My Sheep (Delhi: ISPCK, 1983), 193.

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sharing their problems to someone (counselor) whom they had never known. In fact, it is a
reliable process where the consulted people could look to the situation with love and care.

5. Church response:

The church is a very important deciding factor in times of conflicts and crisis. The church
holds that sexual relationship should be confined to married couples, and that marriage
should be monogamous and for life time10. The church is one of the most influential
institutions. What the church decides is what the community in general agreed to. Therefore,
the church‟s influence is very important in various problems within and outside the family.

The church needs to spread awareness regarding marriage and the ways to live a married
life. Also, there should be teachings about the problems that could occur within the family
and the ways to solve such problems. The church also has to be approachable, particularly the
leaders and the clergies need to be trustworthy enough so that the members could tell them
their problems and seek for help. Of all the help that we could receive, spiritual help provided
by the church is one of the most important help that we could receive. Physical, mental and
spiritual empowerment provided by the church is the best help that a couple can receive in
times of crisis. Full fledge reconciliation is one of the most essential help that a couple could
receive while they walk through difficult times.

Conclusion:

The problems that arise between married couple are more or less serious in their own
way. Out of those, intimate conflict that disturbs their marriage life is one of the most serious
problems that they can face. Therefore, it is very important to see the problems, study them
and solve then according to the circumstances. Since marriage is a union between two
persons, problems will arise several times. But it is always important to seek solutions from
another people or within themselves to have a healthy married life and a happy family.

Bibliography:

Burnabas, Daniel. ed. A Textbook on Pastoral Care & Counselling. Delhi: Christian World
Imprints, 2021.

Capuzzi, David, and Mark D. Stauffer, eds. Foundations of Couples, Marriage, and Family
Counseling. USA: John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 2021.

Carlson, Jon, and Shannon B. Dermer. “Sex Research and Marriage, Couples, and Family
Counseling.” The SAGE Encyclopedia of Marriage, Family, and Couples Counseling.
Vol. 4 (2017): 1507 – 1508.

DeKoven, Stan E. Marriage and Family Counseling – A Christian Perspective. NP: NP, NY.

Juhnke, Gerald A., and W. Bryce Hagedorn. Counseling Addicted Families: A Sequential
Assessment and Treatment Model. New York: Routledge, 2020.

10
Ezamo Murry, An Introduction to Pastoral Care and Counseling (Delhi: ISPCK, 2006), 242.

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Kellemen, Robert W. Gospel – Centered Family Counseling. Michigan: Baker Books, 2020.

Murry, Ezamo. An Introduction to Pastoral Care and Counseling. Delhi: ISPCK, 2006.

Onedera, Jill Duba. ed. The Role of Religion in Marriage and Family Counseling. New York:
Routledge, 2008.

Taylor, Harold, Tend My Sheep. Delhi: ISPCK, 1983.

Times of India (Mumbai), 15 March, 2023.