SESSION 7 — Nurturing Relationships & Working Through Defences

🎯 Theme: “How do I stay connected without protecting myself in ways that push people
away?”

🧠 CLINICAL PURPOSE OF THIS SESSION

This session helps participants understand:

 why relationships often feel intense, unstable, or exhausting

 how emotional defences develop
 how attachment fears shape behaviour
 why people move between closeness and distance
 how black-and-white thinking affects relationships
 how to strengthen the Healthy Adult during emotional activation

This session is deeply relational and integrative.

It connects:

 schema modes,
 attachment,
 interpersonal effectiveness,
 emotional regulation,
 and self-awareness.

🌿 CORE SHIFT OF SESSION 7

From:
❌ “People either fully care or don’t care at all.”
❌ “I protect myself by withdrawing, attacking, pleasing, or cutting off.”
❌ “Relationships feel unsafe and unpredictable.”

To:
✔ “Relationships can hold complexity.”
✔ “Defences once protected me, but may now create distance.”
✔ “I can stay emotionally present without reacting automatically.”

SESSION FLOW

Time Segment

0–10 min Check-in + Relational Reflection

 Time Segment

10–20 min Healthy Relationships & Realistic Expectations

20–35 min Unhealthy Cycles & Attachment Patterns

35–50 min Emotional Defences

50–60 min Black-and-White Thinking

60–70 min Experiential Reflection

70–75 min Integration + Closing

🔷 0–10 min | Check-in + Relational Reflection

🧠 What this segment is doing

This helps participants:

 emotionally enter the relational theme

 notice recurring interpersonal experiences
 observe emotional patterns without immediate shame

FACILITATOR SCRIPT

“Today we are focusing on relationships—not just with others, but also how your emotional
system responds inside relationships.”

“Many people who experience emotional intensity deeply want connection, but also deeply
fear hurt, rejection, abandonment, or vulnerability.”

“So relationships can begin to feel emotionally exhausting or confusing.”

“There may be a strong desire for:

 closeness,
 reassurance,
 emotional safety,
 and connection…”

“…while also fearing:

 rejection,
 abandonment,
 criticism,
  dependence,
 or emotional hurt.”

“So many relationship patterns are not random behaviours—they are emotional protection
strategies.”

🔍 Example

“For example, someone may become emotionally distant after feeling hurt—not because they
suddenly stopped caring, but because vulnerability started feeling unsafe.”

“Another person may repeatedly seek reassurance—not because they are manipulative, but
because their nervous system is trying to feel emotionally secure.”

🔑 Core Reframe

“Many relational patterns begin as attempts to protect ourselves emotionally.”

Prompt

👉 “What is one relationship pattern you notice repeating in your life?”

🔍 EXAMPLES PARTICIPANTS MAY GIVE

 “I pull away when I feel hurt.”

 “I overthink small changes.”
 “I panic when someone becomes distant.”
 “I become emotionally reactive and later regret it.”
 “I people-please to avoid rejection.”

🧠 FACILITATOR RESPONSES

 “That sounds like a protective pattern.”

 “That makes sense emotionally.”
 “Many people develop similar responses when relationships feel unsafe.”

🔷 10–20 min | Healthy Relationships & Realistic Expectations

FACILITATOR SCRIPT
“Healthy relationships are not relationships without conflict.”

“One important thing to understand is that healthy relationships are not relationships without
discomfort, conflict, or misunderstandings.”

“They are relationships where:

 repair is possible,
 communication exists,
 boundaries are respected,
 emotional safety grows over time.”
 and both people remain emotionally human.”

🔑 Important Reframe

“Intensity is not always intimacy.”

“Sometimes emotional intensity can feel very powerful—but not necessarily emotionally
safe.”

Unrealistic Relationship Expectations

“Sometimes emotional pain leads the mind toward unrealistic expectations in relationships.”

Example 1

👉 ‘If someone truly loves me, they should automatically know what I need.’

“But in reality, even caring people cannot always read emotions accurately.”

Example 2

👉 ‘If someone needs space, it means they are leaving me.’

“But needing space and abandoning a relationship are not always the same thing.”

Example 3

👉 ‘If conflict happens, the relationship must be broken.’

“But healthy relationships include conflict, misunderstanding, and repair.”

🔍 Examples

Unrealistic Expectation

👉 “If they truly care, they should always know what I need.”

Healthier Expectation

👉 “People care deeply and can still misunderstand sometimes.”

Unrealistic Expectation

👉 “If someone needs space, it means rejection.”

Healthier Expectation

👉 “People can need space without abandoning the relationship.”

Unrealistic Expectation

👉 “If conflict happens, the relationship is ruined.”

Healthier Expectation

👉 “Conflict and repair can coexist.”

🔑 Core Teaching Line

“Healthy relationships are not built through emotional perfection.”

“They are built through consistency, repair, honesty, and emotional flexibility.”
🔷 20–35 min | Unhealthy Cycles & Attachment Patterns

FACILITATOR SCRIPT

“When relationships feel emotionally unsafe, the nervous system often develops patterns to
try to prevent pain.”

“These patterns usually begin as protection.”

Understanding Attachment Patterns — Why Relationships Feel So Intense

“Our early emotional experiences often shape how safe or unsafe relationships feel later in
life.”

“When relationships feel uncertain, the nervous system may quickly move into fear, panic,
withdrawal, or emotional urgency.”

🌿 Common Attachment Patterns

🔹 Fear of Abandonment

Examples:

 panic when someone becomes distant

 repeated reassurance seeking
 over-monitoring/ overthinking communication
 or emotional spiralling after small changes.”

🔍 Example

“A partner replies later than usual.”

The emotional system immediately says:

👉 ‘Something is wrong.’
👉 ‘They’re upset with me.’
👉 ‘They’re pulling away.’

“And the behaviour may become:

 repeated texting,
 panic,
 emotional flooding,
 or over-monitoring.”
🔹 Fear of Rejection

“This may look like:

 hiding emotions,
 suppressing needs,
 people-pleasing,
 or becoming whoever feels most acceptable.”

🔍 Example

“A person may say yes to things they genuinely don’t want because saying no feels
emotionally dangerous.”

“The deeper fear underneath may be:

👉 ‘If I disappoint someone, they may stop caring about me.’”

🔹 Fear of Dependence

Sometimes emotional vulnerability itself feels unsafe.”

“So a person may become:

 hyper-independent,
 emotionally distant/ withdrawn,
 controlling,
 or uncomfortable receiving care.”
 pushing people away before vulnerability grows

🔍 Example Using Previous Money Pattern

“When emotional hurt appears, one protection strategy may become:

👉 ‘I need to regain control immediately.’”

“So the person:

 overpays,
 refuses help,
 sends money immediately,
 restores independence emotionally.”
🔍 Example (Money Pattern)

“For example, someone may insist on paying for everything or immediately send money back
after emotional discomfort—not because money is the real issue, but because emotional
dependence feels unsafe.”

“The emotional meaning underneath may sound like:

👉 ‘If I don’t need anyone, I can’t be hurt by them.’”

🔑 Important Insight

“The behaviour is often not random.”

“It is the nervous system trying to avoid emotional pain.”

“The nervous system often chooses protection over connection when relationships feel
emotionally risky.”

🔷 35–50 min | Emotional Defences — How Protection Creates Distance

FACILITATOR SCRIPT

“When emotions feel overwhelming/ unsafe, people naturally develop emotional defences.”

“These defences often begin as survival strategies.”

“They helped someone cope emotionally at one point in life.”

“But sometimes the same strategies later create emotional distance in relationships.”

🌿 Common Defences

🔹 Withdrawal

“One common defence is withdrawal.”

“Pulling away emotionally or physically.”

“This may look like:

 shutting down,
  disappearing emotionally,
 isolating,
 avoiding conversations,
 or disconnecting after feeling hurt.”

Example

 ignoring messages
 emotionally shutting down
 isolating after conflict

“A person may stop replying after conflict—not because they stopped caring, but because
shame, hurt, or fear became overwhelming.”

Underneath Often Is:

👉 shame
👉 fear of vulnerability

👉 emotional overwhelm
👉 fear of rejection

🔹 Anger

“Anger can sometimes protect softer emotions underneath.”

“Sometimes anger is not the primary emotion—it is the protective emotion.”

“Underneath anger, there is often:

 hurt,
 fear,
 sadness,
 or longing for connection.”

🔍 Example

Instead of saying:
👉 ‘I felt hurt when you cancelled our plans.’

The emotional system moves to:

👉 ‘You clearly don’t care about me.’
Underneath Often Is:

👉 hurt
👉 fear
👉 longing for connection

🔑 Important Insight

“Anger often feels safer than vulnerability.”

🔹 People-Pleasing

“Another defence is people-pleasing.”

“Trying to maintain safety by keeping others happy.”

“This happens when emotional safety becomes linked to keeping other people comfortable.”

Example

 over-apologising
 suppressing needs
 difficulty saying no
 excessive caretaking

Underneath Often Is:

👉 fear of abandonment

👉 fear of conflict

👉 fear of disappointing others

🔹 Splitting (Black-and-White Relating)

“Seeing people as all good or all bad depending on emotional state.”

“When emotions become very intense, the mind often moves toward extremes.”
“This is the nervous system trying to create certainty and emotional safety.”

Example

Before hurt:
👉 ‘They’re perfect.’

After hurt:
👉 ‘They never cared about me.’

Or:

👉 ‘This relationship is everything.’

→ becomes
👉 ‘This relationship is completely toxic.’

🔑 Core Reframe

“These defences once helped you survive emotionally.”

“But some of them may now create distance from the connection you want.”

“A person can hurt you and still care about you.”

“Relationships can contain both:

 love and frustration,

 connection and conflict,
 closeness and imperfection.”

🔷 50–60 min | Working Through Black-and-White Thinking

FACILITATOR SCRIPT

“One important DBT concept is dialectical thinking.”

“This means learning that two things can be true at the same time.”
🔍 Examples

✔ ‘I feel hurt, and the relationship can still matter.’

✔ ‘Someone can love me and still make mistakes.’
✔ ‘I can need reassurance and still be independent.’
✔ ‘Conflict does not automatically mean abandonment.’

🔑 Teaching Line

“Healthy relationships require emotional flexibility—not emotional certainty.”

🌿 Introduce Dialectical Thinking

“Two things can be true at once.”

Examples:

✔ “Someone can love you and still make mistakes.”

✔ “You can feel hurt and still remain connected.”
✔ “You can need reassurance and still be independent.”
✔ “Conflict can happen without abandonment.”

🔑 Teaching Line

“Healthy relationships require emotional flexibility—not emotional certainty.”

🌿 Dialectical Thinking — Detailed Explanation for Session 7

🧠 What Is Dialectical Thinking?

Dialectical thinking is one of the core foundations of DBT.

At its simplest, it means:

“Two things can be true at the same time.”

It helps people move away from:

 rigid thinking,
 extremes,
 emotional certainty,
 black-and-white interpretations,
and toward:

 flexibility,
 balance,
 nuance,
 and emotional regulation.

🔷 Why This Is Important in BPD

When emotions become intense, the brain naturally looks for:

 certainty,
 clarity,
 emotional protection.

So the mind often moves into:

 “always / never”
 “good / bad”
 “safe / unsafe”
 “love / hate”
 “all in / all out”

This is not because the person is irrational.

It is because the nervous system is trying to reduce emotional uncertainty quickly.

🌿 Facilitator Script — Introducing Dialectics

“One thing we often notice during emotional overwhelm is that the mind moves toward
extremes.”

“It may feel like:

 someone completely cares,

or
 they completely don’t care.”

“It may feel like:

 the relationship is perfect,

or
 the relationship is ruined.”

“This is called black-and-white thinking.”

“And while it often comes from emotional pain or fear, it can make relationships feel
unstable and emotionally exhausting.”

🔷 What Dialectical Thinking Does

Dialectical thinking helps create emotional space.

Instead of:
❌ “Either I’m right or you’re right.”

It becomes:
✔ “Both people may be experiencing this differently.”

Instead of:
❌ “If someone hurt me, they must not care.”

It becomes:
✔ “Someone can care about me and still hurt me.”

🌿 Important Reframe

Dialectical thinking is NOT:

 invalidating pain
 forcing positivity
 pretending everything is okay

It is:

making room for complexity.

🔷 Core DBT Dialectic

One of the most important DBT ideas is:

“I am doing the best I can

AND
I also need to learn new skills.”

Both are true.

🔷 Why People Resist Dialectical Thinking Initially

Because when emotions are intense, certainty feels emotionally safer than ambiguity.

For example:

If someone does not reply,

the brain may quickly decide:
👉 “They don’t care.”

Why?

Because uncertainty feels intolerable.

The nervous system would rather:

 decide quickly,
 even painfully,
than remain emotionally uncertain.

🌿 Example 1 — Relationship Conflict

❌ Black-and-White Thinking

“We fought. The relationship is ruined.”

✔ Dialectical Thinking

“We had conflict, and we may still care about each other.”

🌿 Example 2 — Emotional Neediness

❌ Black-and-White Thinking
“If I need reassurance, I’m weak.”

✔ Dialectical Thinking
“I can need reassurance and still be emotionally capable.”
🌿 Example 3 — Independence

❌ Black-and-White Thinking
“Either I’m fully independent or I’m vulnerable and powerless.”

✔ Dialectical Thinking
“I can be independent and still allow emotional closeness.”

🌿 Example 4 — Partner Disappointment

❌ Black-and-White Thinking
“They upset me, so they clearly don’t care.”

✔ Dialectical Thinking
“I feel hurt, and they may still care about me.”

🌿 Example 5 — Self-Image

❌ Black-and-White Thinking
“I reacted emotionally, so I’m unstable.”

✔ Dialectical Thinking
“I became emotionally overwhelmed, and I am still learning regulation.”

🔷 Emotional Rigidity vs Emotional Flexibility

Black-and-white thinking creates:

 emotional intensity
 impulsive reactions
 relationship instability
 splitting
 idealisation/devaluation

Dialectical thinking creates:

 pause
 reflection
 regulation
 emotional flexibility
 reduced impulsivity
🌿 Facilitator Script — Emotional Flexibility

“The goal is not to stop having emotions.”

“The goal is increasing your ability to hold more than one emotional reality at once.”

🔷 Dialectics in Relationships

Healthy relationships require tolerating:

 ambiguity,
 imperfection,
 misunderstanding,
 emotional complexity.

Without dialectical thinking:

 one disagreement may feel catastrophic,

 one disappointment may feel like rejection,
 one mistake may erase all safety.

🌿 Example — Birthday Trigger Case

❌ Emotional Interpretation

“I cried intensely. I scared them. I ruined everything.”

✔ Dialectical Thinking

“I became emotionally overwhelmed, and my partner still stayed with me.”

🌿 Example — Financial Control Pattern

❌ Black-and-White Thinking

“If I depend on someone emotionally, I lose control.”

✔ Dialectical Thinking

“I can maintain independence and still allow mutual care.”

🔷 Dialectical Thinking Does NOT Remove Pain

This is important.

It does not mean:

 emotions disappear,
 hurt disappears,
 fear disappears.

It means:

emotions become less absolute.

🌿 The Word “AND” Is Extremely Important

In DBT, the word:

“AND”

is emotionally regulating.

Examples

“I feel hurt AND I want to stay connected.”

“I need space AND I still care.”

“I made a mistake AND I’m not a terrible person.”

“I feel abandoned AND I may not have the full picture yet.”

🔷 Practical Exercise for Group

Ask participants to complete:

❌ Extreme Thought

“If they are upset with me, they’ll leave.”

✔ Dialectical Reframe

“If someone is upset, it does not automatically mean abandonment.”

Another:

“If I need reassurance, I’m too much.”

“I can need reassurance and still deserve connection.”

🌿 Why Dialectical Thinking Is So Hard

Because emotionally, extremes often feel:

 clearer,
 safer,
 more protective.

Dialectical thinking requires:

✔ slowing down
✔ tolerating uncertainty
✔ staying emotionally present longer

🔷 Healthy Adult and Dialectics

The Healthy Adult voice is usually dialectical.

It sounds like:

 “This is painful AND survivable.”

 “I feel insecure AND I can pause before reacting.”
 “I feel hurt AND I don’t need to attack or disappear.”
🔷 Strengthening the Healthy Adult in Relationships

“The Healthy Adult is the part that helps slow emotional reactions and create balance.”

“It does not invalidate emotions.”

“It helps respond instead of react.”

🔍 Example

Instead of:
👉 repeated texting after panic,

the Healthy Adult may say:

👉 ‘I’m feeling anxious right now. Let me pause before reacting.’

Instead of:
👉 ‘They hate me.’

the Healthy Adult may say:

👉 ‘I’m feeling insecure right now, but I don’t yet know the full situation.’

Instead of:
👉 withdrawing completely,

the Healthy Adult may say:

👉 ‘I need some time to regulate, but I don’t want to disconnect completely.’

🔑 Important Reframe

“The goal is not becoming emotionless.”

“The goal is increasing emotional steadiness.”

🌿 Final Facilitator Integration

“Dialectical thinking is not about forcing yourself to be calm or positive.”

“It is about creating enough emotional space to hold complexity.”

“And often, emotional regulation begins the moment the mind moves from:
❌ certainty and extremes
→ toward
✔ flexibility and possibility.”

🔑 One-Line Summary for Participants

“Dialectical thinking helps us move from emotional extremes to emotional flexibility.”

🔷 60–70 min | Experiential Reflection

FACILITATOR SCRIPT

“Take a moment to reflect gently on your own relationship patterns.”

Reflection Prompt

👉 “What relationship pattern do I want to change in my relationships?”

Additional Prompts

 “What defence do I use most often?”

 What do I usually do when I feel emotionally hurt?
 “What am I usually protecting myself from?”
 “What would a healthier response look like?”

🔍 EXAMPLES

Pattern

👉 “I withdraw when hurt.”

Protection
👉 “I don’t want to feel rejected.”

Healthier Response

👉 “Communicating that I need reassurance instead of disappearing.”

Pattern

👉 “When I feel emotionally unsafe, I become controlling.”

Protection

👉 “I fear vulnerability and emotional dependence.”

Healthier Response

👉 “Pausing before reacting and naming the feeling.”

🔷 70–75 min | Integration + Closing

FACILITATOR SCRIPT

“Today was not about blaming yourself for your patterns.”

“It is about understanding:

 how your emotional system learned to protect you,

 what those protections cost emotionally,
 and what healthier responses may slowly become possible.”

🔑 Important Closing Line

“Awareness comes before change.”

“You do not need to remove every defence immediately.”

“You are learning to notice them with more compassion and more choice.”

🔑 Actionable Takeaway

“This week, notice one relationship pattern when it appears.”

“And instead of reacting automatically, try adding:

👉 one pause,
👉 one breath,
👉 or one healthier response.”

FINAL REFLECTION

👉 “What is one thing you want to remember from today?”

GROUNDING CLOSE

“Take a slow breath in… and out…”

“Notice the chair beneath you, your body, and the room around you.”

“You are learning new ways of relating—and that takes time.”