UNDERSTANDING

DATING
Dating isn’t always easy...

and that’s okay

If you are finding yourself stuck in the dating cycle of one bad
relationship ending and going right into the next. This guide is for
you.
As you read on, you will find tips for what’s been going wrong and
how to start choosing something better.

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BAD MINDSETS
THAT WILL LEAD YOUR DATING LIFE IN THE

WRONG DIRECTION
If you recognize any of the following mindsets in yourself, it’s time to let
them go. Healthy, strong, and thriving relationships are possible. Don’t
lose hope. It could just be that these mindsets are getting in the way.

“I’m afraid of being single”

Being alone can feel really scary. So scary that you
might start losing yourself just to hold on to someone.
You convince yourself that a bad relationship is better
than no relationship at all, and before you know it,
you’re overlooking red flags and unhealthy behavior
just to keep things from falling apart.

“I need this relationship to

heal all the hurt in my life”
Sometimes we try to fill a deep ache or emptiness by
looking for love in someone else. We all want to be
loved. It’s how we’re wired. But when life has made you
feel unworthy of love, that desire can start to take over.
You begin to believe the next relationship will finally fix
everything, that this person will meet every need. But
that’s a lot to put on someone—and it’s just not
something they can carry.
 “I fall in love really fast”
The “high” of a new relationship can make you rush in
before you’ve really gotten to know someone. You feel
swept up, totally infatuated. And infatuation has a way
of taking over. It’s intense, emotional, sometimes
anxious, and often driven by passion and attraction.
You can become so focused on the other person that
everything else fades into the background.

But that kind of intensity isn’t always a reliable sign of

real love. The high eventually fades. It always does. And
if there hasn’t been time to build trust, respect, and
genuine, selfless love, what’s left can feel confusing and
disappointing.

Sometimes we even convince ourselves a relationship is

better than it really is, just to hold on to that exciting,
feel-good rush, the kind that makes everything else in
life seem dull by comparison.

“I can change them”

It’s easy to step into a relationship thinking your love will
change someone—that if you just care enough, they’ll
become who you need them to be. But the truth is, real
change only happens when a person chooses it for
themselves.

A disrespectful person will likely remain disrespectful. An

addict may continue in their addiction. A cheater often
keeps cheating until they decide to do the hard work of
changing.

You can encourage someone, support them, and pray

for them, but it’s a mistake to believe your love alone will
transform them. When you begin to understand this, it
becomes easier to stop excusing unhealthy behavior
and stop waiting for a change that may never come.
“I hate myself.”
There are a lot of reasons you might struggle with self-
esteem, and one of them could be an absent parent. If
you weren’t nurtured and valued for who you are
growing up, it can be hard to truly like or accept
yourself.

As you get older, that can turn into low self-worth—and

with it, a deep pull to look for your value in a
relationship, hoping a partner will give you the worth
you’ve been missing.

“I was abandoned”
Sometimes, if you’ve experienced deep
abandonment as a child, your mind finds ways
to cope. You might have imagined being rescued
by someone who truly loves you—a kind of hero
who sees you, cares for you, and makes you feel
valued and alive.

As you grow up, that longing can stay with you.

You may find yourself searching for that “hero” in
real life, hoping someone will finally make you
feel whole and fulfilled.

“I feel like I need sex”

Sex can be powerful. It feels good, and it can even become addictive. But it’s also
deeply vulnerable, which means it’s meant to be experienced in a relationship built
on real trust and commitment. Without that foundation, it’s easy to get pulled into a
relationship that’s driven mostly by physical connection, and still end up feeling
empty or unseen for who you really are. There are also real consequences to
consider, like pregnancy. That’s why many people choose to wait until marriage—it
places sex in a context where trust, commitment, and care are meant to be secure.
 LOVE vs LUST
When you think about lust in the context of relationships, it really comes down
to this: are you valuing someone’s body more than their soul? Lust shows up
when physical attraction takes center stage and who that person actually is
starts to matter less.

Lust is an intense desire, but it’s rooted in self-gratification. It’s about what you
want, what you feel, and what you can get—not about truly caring for the other
person. And if you’re honest, you’ve probably seen how easy it is to step into a
relationship because of that pull. Maybe you’ve even believed someone loved
you, when in reality they were just driven by desire.

The problem is, lust is self-focused. It doesn’t stick around when things get hard
or when it stops getting what it wants. It takes, but it doesn’t truly give.

And yet, it’s easy to convince yourself that this kind of connection will lead
somewhere meaningful that it might turn into something lasting. But it doesn’t.

So it’s worth asking yourself: are you really in love, or are you just caught up in
something that feels good right now but won’t last?
HOW TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE

LOVE vs LUST
is deep, steady affection is intense sexual craving

is patient and willing to wait is impatient and demanding

chooses commitment avoids lasting commitment

seeks the other’s good seeks personal gain

is unconditional is conditional

wants what’s best for the other wants personal satisfaction

builds trust breeds jealousy and suspicion

gives freedom controls and manipulates

protects and builds up tears down and destroys

is honest and genuine deceives and hides

HEALTHY STEPS
FOR STARTING YOUR RELATIONSHIP

THE RIGHT WAY

Take Care of Yourself
Develop a HEALTHY View of Love

Love isn’t about finding someone to meet all your needs. It’s
about serving, giving, honoring, and putting the other person
before yourself. It means genuinely wanting what’s best for
them and them wanting the same for you. At its core, love is
about giving, not taking.

Know your VALUE

Know that you are valuable just as you are, and be secure in
that truth. Learn to stand on your own and accept yourself
without needing a boyfriend or girlfriend to define your
worth. You have value as a friend, a family member, and as a
child of God.

When we expect a relationship to fill the empty places in our

hearts, we put an impossible burden on the other person. No
one is perfect, and that kind of pressure will only lead to
disappointment. Instead, grow in confidence in who you are,
because secure people build secure relationships. When
you’re secure, you’re not constantly questioning every move
your partner makes or tying your worth to their actions.
 Have STANDARDS and Stick to Them

Too many people go into dating without any real

standards. If someone is attractive or gives them
attention, that’s enough—and they jump in
without really knowing who that person is. It’s like
rolling the dice and hoping for the best, but more
often than not, that doesn’t end well.

It doesn’t have to be that way. You’re allowed to

have boundaries, and you should. Decide ahead
of time what actually matters to you—the kind of
character, values, and behavior you’re looking
for—and don’t ignore those just because
someone is appealing in the moment. And if
those boundaries get crossed, be willing to walk
away. The right person won’t try to push past
them—they’ll respect them.

Being intentional like this isn’t being overly picky;

it’s being wise. Having clear standards protects
you from wasting time on the wrong
relationships and helps you recognize the right
one when it comes along.

Be Willing to WAIT for the Right Person

It’s okay if you’re not dating right now. You’re not missing out
on something essential, and you’re definitely not going to fall
apart without a boyfriend or girlfriend. There’s no rush, and
there’s nothing wrong with taking your time.

What really matters is who you choose to let into your life. The
wrong relationship can hurt you in ways that stick. Being
treated poorly, disrespected, or emotionally wounded can
leave scars that take time to heal. And honestly, that kind of
pain is a lot heavier than just being alone for a season.

So don’t settle just to have someone. It’s far better to wait

than to end up with someone who isn’t good for you.
Take It Slow...
Real trust, respect, and genuine love don’t happen overnight. Those things
take time to grow. They’re built through patience, commitment, and a solid
foundation—usually starting with a friendship that’s been tested and proven
over time. Take It Slow...
But we live in a culture that pushes instant gratification. We’re used to getting
what we want right away, so it’s easy to expect relationships to work the same
way. The problem is, healthy relationships don’t grow that way. They require
time, effort, and a willingness to put someone else ahead of yourself.

That’s why it’s so important to slow down and really get to know someone
before jumping into dating. As you take that time, you might realize this isn’t a
relationship worth pursuing, and that’s actually a good thing. It’s much better
to recognize that early than to get emotionally invested and find out too late.

DANGERS of Moving too Quickly

You say things you don’t really mean.

You make promises you can’t keep.

You make decisions you wouldn’t normally make.

You get into situations that are hard to get out of.

You create expectations you’re not ready to meet.

You rely on your feelings instead of what’s actually true.

You don’t give the relationship time to grow in a healthy way.

You complicate things by adding physical intimacy too soon.

You start chasing emotional highs, and normal begins to feel boring.

You spend too much time together and slowly push friends out of your life.

You buy into the myth of “love at first sight”—when it’s really just chemistry, not love.
Mutual Respect
Mutual respect is the foundation of any strong,
lasting relationship. No one wants to be with
someone who constantly puts themselves above
their partner or makes them feel small. Feeling
valued and honored matters. If you’re in a
relationship, it’s important to both give respect
and expect it in return. It should go both ways.

WAYS TO SHOW RESPECT

1. SUPPORT THEM
Encourage and support your boyfriend or girlfriend.
Build them up, remind them you believe in them, and
point out their strengths and gifts.

2. RESPECT THEIR FAMILY

Even if things aren’t perfect, their family is a big part of
who they are, and honoring that shows you value
them.

3. STAY LOYAL
don’t flirt with other people. It might seem obvious,
but it matters.

4. ESTABLISH TRUST
Be trustworthy, and choose to trust them too. Keep
your word, follow through on what you say, and don’t
constantly question or doubt them.

5. TREAT THEM WELL IN PUBLIC

Include them in conversations, speak highly of them,
and show that you’re proud to be with them. Stand up
for them when it counts.
 Note for Girls
Don’t put him down—especially in front of other people.
Even if he brushes it off, it still hurts. When you choose to encourage him
instead, you’re building him up in a way that really matters.

Ask for his opinion and actually listen.

A lot of guys want to feel valued and respected for what they
think, so take time to hear him out.

Don’t use your body to manipulate him.

You have influence, and it’s important to use it in a way that’s
honest and respectful—not by leading him on or playing games.

Be patient when he struggles to express himself.

Opening up doesn’t always come easily for guys, so give him
space to find his words instead of speaking for him.

Remember, you don’t own him.

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean controlling his time or
expecting him to be available 24/7. Healthy space is part of a
healthy relationship.
 Note for Guys
Speak to her with kindness
Keep your language clean. Avoid crude jokes, swearing, or
anything inappropriate. Be mindful of your words. Don’t
joke about her body or make comments that are hurtful.

Honor her boundaries

Never try to pressure or take advantage of her in any way,
especially sexually.

Pay attention to her

Be present. Give her your time and attention, listen carefully,
and make space for her thoughts and feelings.

Learn to read the moment

Know when it’s time to joke and when it’s time to be serious—
don’t treat her the same way you would your guy friends.

Respect her emotions

Don’t try to control or manipulate how she feels; that only
shows a lack of genuine care and respect.
 DATING TEST
When you’re trying to figure out if someone
would be a good boyfriend or girlfriend,
here are 6 key questions to ask.

1
Can I trust them?
Can you trust them to look out for you and not take
advantage of you? Do you feel confident they’ll speak
well of you, tell you the truth, and make good choices
even when you’re not around, like at a party? Can you
open up to them and know they’ll handle it with care?
If the answer is no, it’s probably better to save
yourself the hurt and not step into that relationship.

2
Do I know what they’re really like?
Do they keep things surface-level, or are they
actually willing to let you see who they really are? Are
they open to talking about more than just interests
like their faith, values, and goals for their life? If they
stay closed off, it might be a sign to step back.

3
How do they react under pressure?
How someone reacts under pressure can tell you a lot
about who they really are. Stress has a way of
bringing out a person’s true character, whether that’s
patience, anger, honesty, or self-control. Pay
attention to how they handle difficult moments,
disagreements, or unexpected challenges. Do they
stay steady and respectful, or do they shut down or
lash out? Those responses can give you a clearer
picture of what being in a relationship with them
would actually look like.
4
Do they have a good reputation?
Talk to people who know them well. Everyone has a
reputation, and it’s usually there for a reason. Most of
the time, it gives you a pretty accurate picture of who
someone is. Just make sure you’re involving trusted
friends and looking for honest insight, not getting
pulled into gossip, as you try to understand their true
character.

5
Do you share the same values?
Long-term compatibility is hard to build if you don’t
share the same core beliefs and values. What you
believe on a deeper, spiritual level shapes how you
see the world and the decisions you make. If you’re
not aligned there, it can create tension over time, and
a lot of relationships struggle to last because of it.

6
Do they treat you with respect?
A lack of respect can tear down a relationship faster
than almost anything else. You know your worth, so
don’t settle for someone who treats you like you
matter any less. A healthy relationship means they
respect you fully—your body, your boundaries, and
your beliefs. And when someone truly respects you,
they won’t try to push those boundaries—they’ll honor
them and see them as worth protecting.
 How to BE THERE FOR YOUR FRIEND
facing relationship challenges.
Here are some things you can do to help a friend who may be making poor
relationship choices or is stuck in an unhealthy relationship:

Be a source of
ENCOURAGEMENT.
Since low self-worth is often one of the
main reasons people enter and stay in
unhealthy relationships, it’s important
to build your friend up. Remind them
that many people besides the person
they’re dating love and care about
them. Let your friend know that you will
be there for them if the relationship
ends, and reassure them that they do
not need to be afraid of being alone.

Help them EVALUATE if they

are being loved well.
Use the materials in this guide to help
them evaluate their relationship. You
could also use this Bible verse as a
reference for what true love looks like.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not
envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It
does not dishonor others, it is not self-
seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps
no record of wrongs. Love does not
delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always
hopes, always perseveres.”
(1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
Look for warning signs of
LOVE ADDICTION
Is your friend obsessed with the person
they are dating? Have they changed
who they are to keep the relationship
going? Do they move quickly from one
relationship to another?
If so, they may be struggling with love
addiction and using a boyfriend or
girlfriend to numb hurt in their life. In
that case, you can gently, and without
judgment, point out that they are
placing impossible expectations on
another person to meet all their needs.
You can also ask thoughtful questions
or encourage them to seek counseling
to help uncover any deeper pain they
may be trying to cover up with the
feeling of being loved.

Share this GUIDE with them

Share this Guide with any friend or loved one who is struggling with relationship
issues. There may be something in it that really resonates with them. You can also
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A Spiritual Perspective
Love is one of the deepest forces that In a very real sense, you are never totally
moves the world. We are all wired to love alone if you have a relationship with God.
and to be loved. But in our broken, sinful He is willing to fill the emptiness in your
world, love is often distorted and corrupted. soul and guide you toward the right
True, pure love can only come from God. person, at the right time.

No matter what you think about church or God loves us far more deeply than we
organized religion, the truth is we were could ever love ourselves. His love is so
created for a meaningful relationship with great that He sent His Son for us. As the
God. He is the only One who can give us Bible says: “For God so loved the world that
real peace and confidence—whether he gave his one and only Son, that whoever
you’re in a relationship or feel completely believes in him shall not perish but have
alone. eternal life.”
—John 3:16
Take time to seek and know God. He alone
has the power to transform your heart, your
life, and your understanding of love.

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