PRINCIPLES OF REPORT WRITING

MODULE 2
EFFECTIVE WRITING
EDITING AND REVISING TECHNIQUES
WEEKS 2-6
UNITS 7-11

UNIT 7
Editing and revising: text level
Paragraph organization
Dividing overly long paragraphs
Using headings
Topic sentences
Week 2 – UNIT 7 - Editing and revising: text level Red
Flag
I EDITING AND REVISING: TEXT LEVEL 93
A PARAGRAPH ORGANIZATION PATTERNS 93
USED IN UNITED NATIONS REPORTS
1 The topic sentence as guide to organization 93
2 Generalizations and organizing sentences 98
3 Development in the paragraph 99
B ORGANIZATION OVER SEVERAL 100
PARAGRAPHS
C HOW TO DIVIDE OVERLY LONG 101 2
PARAGRAPHS
D USING HEADINGS TO GUIDE THE READER 102 1
1 Visual effect of different lay-outs 102
2 What to consider in formulating headings 104
ANSWER KEY 109

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I EDITING AND REVISING: TEXT LEVEL

Editing and revising can take place as you compose or as you look back over rough drafts. It is
useful to go about revisions in a "top-down" rather than a "bottom-up" way in order to save time in
the long run. The top-down approach involves looking first at the overall organization and judging
whether the purpose of the report will be met by this outline. Only when you are sure the plan as a
whole is sound should you move to the text itself, first analyzing the paragraph structure and
headings, then moving on to the sentences themselves. In this chapter a method for analyzing and
improving paragraphs is practised.

A. PARAGRAPH ORGANIZATION PATTERNS USED IN UNITED NATIONS REPORTS

United Nations reports contain examples of many types of paragraph development, but because of
the kinds of subjects and formats, certain rhetorical modes of paragraph development predominate.
For part of this chapter, we will identify and analyze examples of these common types. Well-
organized and well-developed paragraphs are what give the report its structure and its depth.

1. The topic sentence as guide to organization

The topic sentence is the main idea of the paragraph. It usually starts the paragraph. (However,
if the writer feels it may not be a popular or easily accepted idea, s/he may choose to lead up to it
inductively, by presenting the evidence first.) Good topic sentences suggest the pattern of
organization that will be used in the paragraph.

Exercise 1
Look at the following six typical topic sentence patterns. Then read through the examples on
the following two pages. Which pattern does each exemplify? Some may indicate more than one
type.

1. Definition pattern: Topic is defined as X.

2. Analysis pattern: Topic = constituent parts

3. Time or space pattern: Topic as it occurred in time or topic as it existed in space

4. Comparison/contrast pattern: Topic 1 in comparison or contrast (or both) to Topic 2.

5. Cause and/or effect patterns: Topic was caused by ... or topic resulted in one or more effects.

6. Recommendation pattern: Topic + recommendation.

Example 1: Five clusters of major crimes have been identified: organized crime in its multiple
manifestations and, particularly, in the illicit drag trade; terrorism, including State terrorism;
economic crime of transboundary nature; ecological and environmental crimes, whic h trans cend
national frontiers; and illicit international trade in objects belonging to the national heritage of
countries.

Pattern: __________________________________
Example 2: Fatal injuries to drivers involved in head-on collisions at 70 mph occur in a ten-second
sequence.

Pattern: ____________________________

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Example 3: As (population) numbers increase and it becomes harder and harder to coax a good
crop from the depleted land, people migrate to the city to try to find an alternative way of making a
living.

Pattern: _____________________________

Example 4: Five regional preparatory meetings for the Eighth United Nations Congress were
convened to discuss the substantive items before the Congress.

Pattern: _____________________________

Example 5: There is an urgent need to change the attitudes of decision-makers and leaders in
favour of equality of opportunity for women, and for ensuring commitment to this cause at the
highest levels of society.

Pattern: ________________________

Example 6: We hope that the United Nations will be able to provide guidelines and advisory
services to the Member States and concerned organizations for the production of national action
plans to benefit people with disabilities directly.

Pattern: ___________________________

Example 7: In the industrialized countries, most cases of AIDS are the result of homosexual
contact or intravenous drug use; however, in those developing countries reporting relatively high
numbers of cases, these practices are rare.

Pattern: ______________________________

Example 8: There are four main clinical causes of death in childbirth.

Pattern: ______________________________

Example 9: The exploitation of the prostitution of women is prosecuted as a criminal offenc e of

pandering, which is understood to mean any action by which another person is hired, forced or
seduced to engage in prostitution, as well as any action consisting in the exploitation (gaining
material or other benefit) of the prostitution of another person.

Pattern: ___________________________

The necessity of a topic sentence

Read the following examples, first without a topic sentence, then with a topic sentence. Notice
how the topic sentence immediately focuses the reader.

Without topic sentence

It will not put an end to poverty, remedy the gross inequalities between people and countries ,
slow the rate of population growth, rescue the environment, or guarantee peace. But it will make a
critical contribution towards all those ends. It will have an immediate effect on some of the mos t
vulnerable of the world's population. And it will help create the basis for future generations to
make better use of both resources and opportunities.

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With topic sentence

Investing in women is not a panacea. It will not put an end to poverty, remedy the gross
inequalities between people and countries, slow the rate of population growth, rescue the
environment, or guarantee peace. But it will make a critical contribution towards all those ends . It
will have an immediate effect on some of the most vulnerable of the world's population. And it
will help create the basis for future generations to make better use of both resources and
opportunities.

Without topic sentence

Numerous business delegations have visited South Africa in the past 18 months. Many
transnational corporations have been actively engaged in analyzing market potential in southern
Africa. There is a widespread belief in business circles that various factors in the South African
economy point to a rapid expansion in the immediate future in sales of consumer products of all
kinds.

With topic sentence

There are indications of rising interest among many transnational corporations in entering the
South African economy. Numerous business delegations have visited South Africa in the pas t 18
months. Many transnational corporations have been actively engaged in analyzing market potential
in southern Africa. There is a widespread belief in business circles that various factors in the South
African economy point to a rapid expansion in the immediate future in sales of consumer products
of all kinds.

Exercise 2
Add topic sentences to the following paragraphs.

1._____________________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________________

Research in Bangladesh found that under-five-year-old boys were given 16 per cent more food
than girls and that girls were more likely to be malnourished in times of famine. A study in India
found that boys were given far more fatty and milky foods than girls. Not surprisingly, girls w ere
over four times as likely as boys to be suffering from acute malnutrition, but more than 40 times
less likely to be taken to hospital. Another Indian study found that sick boys were more likely than
girls to be taken to the city hospital when they failed to recover from illness.

2._____________________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________________

The suffering, devastation, and unprecedented damage to the civilian population provoked very
strong anti-war and anti-nuclear movements in both Europe and Japan. The core of the w omen' s
peace movement consisted of already established organizations and was essentially eurocentric.
The participation of women and women's organizations from newly independent, developing
countries began to increase only in the 1960s. In the 1970s and 1980s, the peace agenda and
activities of women became global and included such issues as the environment and development,
the struggle against apartheid and violence in all its forms, and education for peace. Women also
continued in their stand against conflicts as diverse as the war in Viet Nam, the Gulf w ar and the
civil war in the former Yugoslavia. In all of these cases, women called for negotiations and
dialogue as an alternative to hostilities.

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3._____________________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________________

In the individual mode, a user independently operates a personal computer since the w orkstation
serves as a stand-alone PC. In decentralized DRPA mode, the network of workstations constitutes
a departmental computing facility. In the centralized mainframe mode, the workstation is linked to
the mainframe computer so that users of the workstations can tap into its resources. Finally, in the
remote mainframe mode, the workstation can access resources of mainframe c omputers outs ide
UNHQ.

PARAGRAPH ORGANIZATION

Exercise 3

Underline the topic sentences in the following paragraphs. (A hint: they are not always
located at the beginning.)

1. At the time of our audit there was an accumulation of approximately 2000 pieces of "return
mail" to be opened and returned to the senders. These items had been returned because the US Postal
Service had classified them as "undeliverable to the addressee" (e.g. unknown, refused, ins ufficient
address, etc.). While it is normally expected that a small percentage of mail will be returned from time
to time, this large amount of undeliverable mail, for the most part due to "incorrect addresses",
indicated to us that the senders need to update their mailing lists. We noted that during 2002 s pecific
departments had been informed about the problem and the costs involved, but it is evident that the
problem still exists.

2. Our review disclosed that the staff member worked for DXY (programme account no. JIA-
12345-ZZZ) from 1 September 2001 to 26 April 2002. Personnel Action form P.5 no. ABC-123
further confirmed our finding indicating allotment account as JIA-12345-678 and post no. JIA- 1234-
A-B-C for the staff member. The payroll advice for the staff member also charged the same allotment
account at DXY. We finally noted that by P.5 no. 456-789 the staff member was returned to DGH
effective 27 April 2002 under allotment account no. UNA-34567-234 and post no. UNA-56789-F-Q.
It is therefore apparent that the staff member did not work under programme account c ode no. JIA-
45678-ZZZ.

3. ABC management informed us that due to a shortage of qualified personnel, it was necessary
to rely on prices shown in vendors' proposals. It should be noted that, in some cases, the same vendors
whose proposed prices were indicated on the RESS were subsequently awarded the contracts. T his
system of awarding contracts to the same vendors who furnished the proposals is inadequate s ince it
impedes the organization from the opportunity to avail itself of competitive prices. We are of the
opinion that preparation of estimates should not be entrusted to outside vendors es pecially in c as es
when it is expected that those vendors may bid for the particular jobs. As far as in -house prepared
estimates are concerned, ABC project personnel disclosed that those estimates prepared were based on
an industry guide for certain types of projects and the computations were done on s heets of papers
discarded after arriving at the total amount.

4. Our review of the project priorities for planning and design disclosed that they were not
adopted in the programming and execution of the projects. As can be seen from Annex A, repair or
replacement of window framing AB Building-East elevation, a sixth priority project, was not
programmed nor executed while seventh priority projects such as emergency lighting - garage levels
and new suction tank - 3B fire pump room were programmed and executed. Moreover, some projec ts
programmed for this biennium had not been initiated as of the cut-off date of the audit.

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5. The Government's regulations regarding the use of vehicles require that a log be maintained
of mileage (official or liberty) and gasoline consumption and a maintenance record be kept for each
vehicle. In our previous audit report, we pointed out that these records were not maintained by the
implementing agency. As a result, we could not determine whether project vehicles were solely us ed
for the purposes of the projects as required by the terms of the agreement between the agency and
UNABC. In addition, we could not ascertain the validity of the charges made to the projects in respect
of gasoline consumption and maintenance costs. This audit revealed that the situation had remained
the same, although XYZ has instructed its provincial authorities to follow the applicable Government
regulations.

Exercise 4

Add a topic sentence to the paragraphs below:

(a) _______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________

The process of assembly of soldiers of the Government and the National Resistance Movement has
been concluded, and the demobilization of these soldiers is almost complete. A number of
decisions have been taken with regard to the formation of the new army. More than three quarters
of the estimated eligible voter population has been registered for elections. Despite the many
challenging tasks that lie ahead, I believe that the major political conditions for holding the
elections as planned on 27 and 28 October 2003 are in place.

(b) _______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________

In addition to helping alleviate the suffering of large numbers of vulnerable and disadvantaged
persons, the impartial and equitable delivery of humanitarian assistance is contributing to the
overall efforts to achieve national reconciliation after many years of civil war. With the
completion of the demobilization of Government and opposition soldiers, the implementation of
various programmes for the reintegration of demobilized soldiers will be able to proceed more
speedily. The progress finally being made in the de-mining programme is overdue but points in
the right direction.

(c) _______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________

In Limba, an international non-governmental organization has reported that the severe malnutrition
rate increased from 4.3 to 6.7 per cent between February and May 2002. Among the factors
related to the increase in malnutrition were the arrival of some 20,000 repatriating refugees and
newly displaced persons from the south-east and Upper Bofa county, as well as deteriorating road
conditions during the rainy season. Bridge repairs are being carried out along the main distribution
routes to ease the delivery problems, and emergency food distributions to the displaced population
have also been accelerated in the past month.

(d) _______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________

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I have therefore instructed my Special Envoy to explore actively with the two Brindish sides and
the observers at the inter-Brindish talks ways of achieving further substantial progress during the
fourth round of the inter-Brindish talks, at which fundamental political and institutional issues are
to be discussed. Those talks are now scheduled to take place in Buenos Aires in early January.
Particular importance is attached in this connection to the elections to the Brindish national
parliament and local legislative bodies, which are at present scheduled to be held before the end of
December 2003.

2 Generalizations and organizing sentences

Try to devise a structure that meshes with the way human beings think through things. For
example, we find it easier to be given the general theory or set of principles before we are given
examples of it. That way we can follow how the principles are being applied in the examples.
Therefore, structure your writing with this is mind: general-to-specific in most cases. And tell the
reader what to expect, for example, "In this section, the theoretical foundations are pres ented and
evaluated. In the following section, four examples are given."

An organizing topic sentence serves as a way of showing the reader how the paragraph will be
divided. This kind of topic sentence is particularly useful with paragraphs of analysis,
classification or process. Sometimes the organizing sentence is used with a generalization, as a
transition from the generalization to the details of the paragraph.

Generalization: UNFDAC should explore and identify new and adequate countermeasures in
order to overcome the arrogance of organized crime. Organizing sentence: To mount an effective
campaign against major criminal enterprises, support to any of the following four areas of
activities could be envisaged within UNFDAC's mandate.

Exercise 5
1. In the above example, what is the function of the generalization?

2. What does the organizing sentence tell the reader about the plan of the paragraph or following
section?

3. At what points in reports might you consider using both a generalization and an organizing
sentence to begin a paragraph/section?

3. Development in the paragraph

Each paragraph in a report should be organized around either one or a planned combination of
development methods. As we have seen, some paragraphs will be developed by definition, some
by cause-effect, some by chronological order, etc. Quite often, paragraphs combine a simpler type
of development - chronological order, reasons, examples or w ays - with a more complex one,
creating paragraphs that compare and contrast and have examples, or paragraphs that s how how
something was done (chronological order) with reasons along the way.

What is important is that you the writer are aware of and in c ontrol of how the paragraphs are
structured. They are your babies: don't let them run wild!

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 Exercise 6

Read through the following paragraphs and note the method(s) of paragraph development
employed.

1. The mining investor is acutely aware that at the point where an economically viable depos it
is identified, the interests of the Government and an investor may diverge. The investor as
holder of a prospecting licence will have already spent large sums on an exploration
programme and may have also spent, or contemplate further spending, very substantial s ums
on feasibility studies. Against this background the investor requires an assurance that if
feasibility studies show a positive out-turn, he or she will have the right to mine under a secure
long-term title. In principle, most Governments would see that requirement as perfectly
reasonable, but very few would draw the conclusion that their legislation should give the
holder of a prospecting licence an unqualified right to mine under a long-term lease or licence.
Most Governments believe that the public interest requires that a grant of mining rights on a
long-term basis should not be awarded unless there are appropriate understandings about the
way the mining operations are going to be carried out.

Method(s) of development:______________________________________

2. In the planning of future work, further emphasis will need to be given to improving the coverage
of services in the statistics of developing countries. Often, the databases are meagre, and strategies
to collect even some basic statistics should be an early goal. The starting point is to identify and to
describe the various kinds of services produced and to use the international standards as a frame of
reference for the classification of services according to product and activity. Eventually, pilot
surveys would have to be undertaken if the developing countries are to establish the capacity to
collect at least basic statistics on the outputs of services.

Method(s) of development: ___________________________________

3. She's 35 years old. When she was born, her mother was malnourished an overworked.
She was very small and low-weight at birth. She grew slowly. During childhood, she had little
good food to eat - even less than her brothers. She could not go to school as her brothers did, but
remained at home with her mother to help with the housework and child minding. By adolescence,
her pelvic bones were misshapen and she was shorter than she should have been. As was the
tradition, she was married and had her first baby when she was only 14, even before she had fully
developed. It was a difficult birth, but she survived it and many more.

Method(s) of development: ___________________________________________

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B. ORGANIZATION OVER SEVERAL PARAGRAPHS

Paragraphs do not have to be isolated units, whole unto themselves. In many reports, paragraphs
are shorter, only two or three sentences, and work together to develop an argument over a page or
so.

Exercise 7
Skim through the next pages, paragraphs 20-27. Then fill in the loosely structured outline of the
argument started for you below.

Paragraph 20 Convention imposes obligations for conservation & management of living resources
   on high seas
Par 21 Coastal state must take cons &
mgmt measures & ensure living
resources will continue. Use "science"
and cooperate with intl. orgs.
Par 22 HOW?
1. Maintain/restore harvested
species
2. ______________________ 

Par 23
3. Determine own allowable
catch
4._______________

Par 24
Other nationals: same rules 

Par 25 (Transitional paragraph)

Par 26
High seas: States must
guard own nationals'
behavior and cooperate with
other states.
Par 27
States must adopt certain
criteria to determine
allowable catch.

2. Conservation and management of living resources

20. The Convention imposes upon States a series of obligations pertaining to conservation and
management of living resources both within their exclusive economic zones and on the high seas.

21. In the exclusive economic zone, the coastal State has the fundamental obligation to take proper
conservation and management measures and to ensure that the maintenance of the living resources
is not endangered by over-exploitation. In doing so, the coastal State is required to take into
account "the best scientific evidence available to it" and to cooperate with competent international
organizations (art. 61(2)).

22. The conservation and management measures of the coastal State must be designed to maintain
and restore populations of harvested species at maximum sustainable yields, as qualified by
relevant environmental and economic factors, including the economic needs of coastal fishing

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countries and the special requirements of developing countries. The coastal state is further required
to take into consideration the effects of such measures on species associated with or dependent on
harvested species, so that the reproduction of such species may not be seriously threatened (art.
61(3) mad (4)).

23. Taking into account all these factors, the coastal State is obliged to determine the total
allowable catch of the living resources in the exclusive economic zone (art. 61(1)), and to promote
the objective of their "optimum utilization" (art. 62(1)). The coastal State is then required to
determine its own capacity to harvest the resources, which may be the same as or below the total
allowable catch.

24. Nationals of other States fishing in the exclusive economic zone must comply with the
measures and the laws mid regulations adopted by the coastal State for the conservation and
management of the living resources (art. 62(4)).

25. In addition to the rules generally applicable to the living resources of the exclusive economic
zone described above, the Convention contains several special provisions with regard to certain
types of stocks, particularly anadromous stocks, stocks straddling the exclusive economic zone and
the high seas or occurring in the exclusive economic zones of two or more States, and highly
migratory species. Several of these provisions relate to the high seas also.

26. With respect to the high seas, the freedom of fishing is subject to the conditions laid dow n for
the conservation and management of the living resources (art. 87). States have the duty to take
such measures for their nationals as may be necessary for the conservation of the living res ourc es
(art. 117) and must cooperate with each other in their conservation and management (art. 118).

27. In determining the allowable catch and establishing other conservation measures for the high
seas fishery, States, as in the case of the exclusive economic zone, are obliged to adopt the
criterion of the maximum sustainable yield, as qualified by relevant environmental and economic
factors and taking into account fishing patterns and the interdependence of stocks. Any generally
recommended international minimum standards are also to be taken into account for the
conservation of the living resources of the high seas (art. 119).

C. HOW TO DIVIDE OVERLY LONG PARAGRAPHS

A report that contains many long paragraphs is less likely to be read than one that has paragraphs
broken into manageable chunks (especially if each “chunk" has its own clear topic sentence). As a
rule of thumb, keep most paragraphs between three and seven sentences. Transition paragraphs
will usually be shorter. Deciding where to divide a paragraph is not always easy, but these rules
may help in a number o£ cases:

1. If the overall structure is chronology, divide into logical time periods (e.g. months, years,
seasons, etc.) and make each division a separate paragraph. Similarly, if it is a process, divide the
process into temporally equivalent sections.

2. If the overall structure is one of analysis (reasons, examples, ways, or some other division of
the pie), make the division at the beginning and then give each "pie section" its own paragraph.

3. If the overall structure is a two-part one (comparison/contrast, cause/effect,

problem/solution, ...), either use a block-by-block organization (all the causes in one paragraph, all
the effects in another, for instance) or sub-divide further into a point-by-point. For example, if you
are comparing and contrasting two cities, you might use the subtopics "transportation, ” "c ultural
opportunities" and "expenses." The first paragraph might then compare Rome and N.Y. on
transportation, the second on cultural opportunities and the third on expenses.

4. If a lot of factual information is being presented you might try the journalistic "w ho, w hat,

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where, why, when and how" questions, answering each one in its own paragraph.

Exercise 8

How might you divide the following lengthy paragraph?

The documentation for the ___ the Congress reflected the acute need for innovative approaches.
Those were a reaction to the-increased complexity and intensity of criminal activities, not only in
their transboundary forms, but also in their traditional dimensions, such as the entire gamut of
urban crime. First, it was evident that the problem of crime prevention could not be dealt with
successfully in a unilateral fashion. It was necessary to develop an integrated and multisectoral
approach, which coordinated the actions from the central level to that of the immediate
neighborhood, including the efforts of the public sector and those of the private sector. Secondly, it
was just as clear that repression alone was insufficient and could be counterproductive. Crime was
stimulated, inter alia, by poverty, ignorance, the lack of opportunities, the unavailability of
affordable standards of living. In developing countries, the resources required for effective crime
prevention were often simply non-existent, and the economic havoc created by foreign
indebtedness aggravated the situation. In that connection, the urgent necessity to expand
international technical cooperation was strongly emphasized by the participants. In that area, as in
many others, the Congress provided a special opportunity for improving the effectiveness of the
United Nations programme of work in crime prevention and criminal justice.

D. USING HEADLINES TO GUIDE THE READER

1. Visual effect of different layouts

Exercise 9
Look at the visual presentation of the following pages from reports. Then read the comments made
by readers in reaction to these pages. Put the letter of the report next to the comment that best
describes it. (Some comments may be appropriate for more than one report.)

Readers' Comments

1. "Everything in this report looks as if it's of equal value - nothing is more important than
anything else." Layout ___

2."Where's the conclusion?" Layout ___

3. "I have a clear idea of where to find the purpose, conclusion and supporting information."
Layout ___

4. "I can find the beginning and the conclusion. The two middle paragraphs must contain the
supporting details.” Layout ___

5. "The argumentation in the middle is going to be difficult to wade through. I had better use a
pencil to underline main points.” Layout ___

6. "A report by Proust or Henry James? I think I'll need to underline or put checks in the margin as
I read to get the message here.” Layout ___

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Layout A
1

2
a

Layout B

Layout C

Layout D

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Layout E

Layout F

2. What to consider in formulating headings

Don't forget to include well-specified Headings to help guide your reader through the pages of the
report.

(a) How headings help the reader

Concerning headings and subheadings, the Editorial Manual (p. 209) states:

-Any paper intended for study or reference gains from the use of topical headings marking
logical, divisions, of the subject.
Topic headings should indicate concisely the subject discussed in the text that follow s . T hey
are usually nouns or phrases built about nouns.

(b) How specified headings should be

General category headings (Introduction, Summary) are often useful in short reports that have
well-established formats and a readership familiar with the report type. However, in longer reports,
or reports with a wider range of readers, more specified headings should be used. Simply dividing
the report into its framework (e.g. Introduction, Body, Discussion, Conclusion) does not give the
reader enough information.

Sometimes we are concerned that our headings are getting too long, so we lop off words to
"tighten" them up. Look, for instance, at the major headings in the following table of contents.

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I. INTRODUCTION

II. PROGRESS IN IMPLEMENTATION OF THE RESOLUTION

III. CONTINUATION OF PREPARATIONS FOR A CONGRESS

IV. TECHNICAL COOPERATION IN CRIME PREVENTION AND CRIMINAL JUSTICE V.

CONCLUSION

What would happen if, in an attempt to make the headings briefer, you took off the first few words
of each? You would be left with:

II. IMPLEMENTATION OF THE RESOLUTION

(Remove "Progress in...")

III. PREPARATIONS FOR A CONGRESS

(Remove "Continuation of...")

IV. CRIME PREVENTION AND CRIMINAL JUSTICE

(Remove "Technical cooperation in...")

In each case, what would we have lost?

While overly lengthy headings defeat their primary purpose, very general headings don't help you
focus in closely.

c) How well headings “fit” with the text

Headings also need to fit tightly with the text that follows.

Exercise 10
Put these headings in the appropriate places in the following text (paragraphs 31-41). You may
have to reorder the headings.

(Context: The title of the report is "Adoption of agreements on environment and development:
Protection and preservation of the marine environment." Part I was the Introduction; Part II is
entitled "The United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea and the protection and
preservation of the marine environment." This section, Part III, is "Related global and regional
instruments.")

Can you suggest a different organization structure than the one here?

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Headings:

Pollution from land-based sources

Pollution from vessels

General environmental protection

Environmental emergencies

Pollution by dumping

Pollution from seabed activities subject to national jurisdiction

III RELATED GLOBAL AND REGIONAL INSTRUMENTS

31. The Secretary-General's (date) report identified 40 multilateral treaties and 41 related protocols
that were adopted in the field of the protection and preservation of the marine environment during
the process of elaborating the provisions of the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea
and thereafter. Since then only a few multilateral treaties have been adopted, though several draft
conventions are nearing completion. On the other hand, in the past few years there has been a
growing number of instruments other than treaties that may contain "soft law" principles, as
compared with binding legal rules. Some of these non-binding instruments are mentioned below.

32. On 4 October – (date)--, the Antarctic Treaty Consultative Parties adopted the Protocol on
Environmental Protection to the Antarctic Treaty with four annexes, and opened it for signature by
contracting parties to the Antarctic Treaty.
The Protocol provides for the comprehensive protection of the Antarctic environment and
dependent and associated ecosystems. The annexes deal, respectively, with environmental impac t
assessment, the conservation of fauna and flora, waste disposal and waste management, and the
prevention of marine pollution. An additional annex to the Protocol w as adopted at the Sixteenth
Consultative Meeting in October – (date) --- on Area Protection and Management in Antarctica.

33. With regard to the Arctic environment, in June –(date)-- the eight Arctic countries adopted a
comprehensive Arctic Environmental Protection Strategy. The Strategy contains an agreement on a
set of principles and action plan dealing, inter alia, with pollution prevention and control, the
protection of the Arctic marine environment, emergency preparedness and response monitoring
and assessment, and the conservation of flora and fauna.

34. In February (---(date)---of the year before), States parties to the Kuwait Regional Convention
for Cooperation on the Protection of the Marine Environment from Pollution adopted a Protocol
for the Protection of the Marine Environment against Pollution from Land-based Sources. Work on
a draft protocol for the wider Caribbean is now well advanced. In December –(date)--, UNEP
convened a meeting of governmental experts to formulate a draft strategy for the reduction of the
degradation of the marine environment from land-based sources of pollution and activities in
coastal areas. The meeting adopted a draft strategy and submitted it to the Preparatory Committee
of the United Nations Conference on Environment and Development.

35. While the Convention of the Law of the Sea calls for global and regional rules (art. 208), no
global rules of a general nature on this subject have been adopted. It should be noted, however,
that the Steering Group on a Long-Term Strategy for the London Dumping Convention has
recently recommended that a globally applicable legal instrument would be required for the
prevention and control of pollution from seabed activities. The –(date)-- Convention on Oil
Pollution Preparedness, Response and Cooperation deals also with certain aspects of oil pollution
emergencies arising from this source (see also para. 40).

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36. At the regional level, no agreement has been adopted since the ---- Protocol to the Kuwait
Convention, though a protocol to the Barcelona Convention has been drafted for the Mediterranean
region.

37. No new agreement has been adopted on ocean dumping since the – (date) - report, although
several important decisions have been made by the parties to the London Dumping Convention
with respect to the phasing out of industrial wastes and incineration at sea. Two sets of guidelines
have been adopted for the removal of offshore installations, whose deliberate disposal at sea is
regarded as dumping under the Convention on the Law of the Sea. One is the Guidelines and
Standards for the Removal of Offshore Installations and Structures on the Continental Shelf and in
the Exclusive Economic Zone, adopted by the IMO Assembly in October – (date)--. T he other is
the Guidelines for the Disposal of Offshore Installations at Sea, adopted in June – (date) -- by the
Oslo Commission for the North Atlantic area.

38. It may be noted that the parties to the London Dumping Convention decided in – (date) -- that
the toppling of installations at sea is considered dumping under that Convention.

39. The International Convention for Prevention of Pollution from Ships (MARPOL – (date) -- and
the Protocol of – (date)--), annex I, was amended on 6 March – (date) -- (with a projected date of
entry into force of 6 July – (date)--) to require the introduction of double-hulled tankers, and, as an
alternative, mid-deck height tankers with double-sided hulls. In the future, other methods of design
and construction that can ensure the same level of protection against pollution in the event of a
collision or stranding will have to be approved by IMO. Given the impact on the tanker market, a
resolution was adopted on the development of ship scrapping capacity to ensure the smooth
implementation of the amendments.

40. In November – (date)--, the International Convention on Oil Pollution Preparedness, Response
and Cooperation (OPPRC) was adopted under the auspices of IMO. The Convention is designed to
facilitate international cooperation in the event of a major pollution threat and is applicable to both
ships and offshore oil structures. Although not in force, the Convention has already been
implemented, on the basis of the decision of the conference that adopted it: in January – (date) --
the Convention was used to help Saudi Arabia and other countries cope with the major oil s pill in
the Gulf.

41. In October – (date)--, France, Morocco, Portugal, Spain and EEC signed an Accord of
Cooperation for the Protection of the Coasts and Waters of the North-east Atlantic against
Pollution due to Hydrocarbons or other Harmful Substances. The agreement is aimed partic ularly
at the provision of rapid response measures in case of accidents to ships and platforms resulting in
such pollution.

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d) How well headings “fit” with each other.

Look over your headings as a list on their own. Think about parallelism of both form and
content: headings at the same level of generality should ideally be parallel. The reader should be
able to read through the headings themselves and get an idea of the text.

These are the chapter headings of the September – (date) -- "Report of the Secretary-General on
the Work of the Organization" (A/48/1). How does the wording help the headings fit together?

I. INTRODUCTION

II. COORDINATING A COMPREHENSIVE STRATEGY

III. DEVELOPING THE GLOBAL COMMUNITY

IV. EXPANDING PREVENTIVE DIPLOMACY, HUMANITARIAN ASSISTANCE AND

CONFLICT RESOLUTION

V. CONCLUSION: STRENGTHENING THE HUMAN FOUNDATION

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Week 2 – Unit 7: Editing and revising: text level
Answer key

Exercise 1
Example 1 Analysis pattern
Example 2 Time or space pattern
Example 3: Cause and effect patterns
Example 4: Time or space or Purpose pattern (not here)
Example 5: Recommendation pattern
Example 6: Recommendation pattern
Example 7: Comparison pattern
Example 8: Cause and effect pattern
Example 9: Definition pattern

Exercise 2
Original topic sentences for other Exercise

1. Greater expectations lead parents with limited resources to invest more in their sons than in their
daughters. This discrimination begins very early in life.

2. Women's activities for peace entered a new era after the Second World War.

3. A workstation is a multi-purpose station for using computer resources in four modes.

Exercise 3
Compare the topic sentences you underlined with these suggestions:

1. At the time of our audit there was an accumulation of approximately 2000 pieces of
"return mail" to be opened and returned to the senders.

2. It is apparent that the staff member did not work under programme account code no.
JIA-45678-ZZZ.

3. We are of the opinion that preparation of estimates should not be entrusted to outside
vendors especially in cases when it is expected that those vendors may bid for the particular
jobs.

4. Our review of the project priorities for planning and design disclosed that they were
not adopted in the programming and execution of the projects.

5. This audit revealed that records regarding the use of vehicles are not kept, although
XYZ has instructed its provincial authorities to follow the applicable Government
regulations.

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 Exercise 4
The topic sentences in the original texts were as follows:

(a) Since my last report to the Council dated 7 July 2002, significant progress
has been achieved in the peace process in Goralia. Several of the difficulties cited in my
earlier reports have now been overcome. (The reader would now expect to read about
what progress has been made and what difficulties have been overcome).

(b) With the generous assistance of donors, considerable progress has been
made in implementing humanitarian programmes in Malaba. (The reader would now
expect to read about what progress has been made).

(c) An increase in malnutrition has been noted in some accessible parts of the
country, such as in Limba. (The reader would now expect to read some details about this
malnutrition).

(d) No time should now be lost in advancing further the process of national
reconciliation in Brindish. (The reader would now expect to read what steps are being
taken).

Exercise 5
1 To identify the recommendations and general context
2 To expect four activities to be described
3 A) Introduction to whole report
b) New section / change of section (could be body or conclusion)
c) New topic / change of topic within a section

Exercise 6
1 Definition, explanation and analysis of the problem. Identification of various
possible outcomes. Identification of most usual outcome with supporting
reasons.
2 Recommendation pattern – to present a theory and back it up with evidence
3 Chronological development – educate and inform

Exercise 7
Paragraph 20
Within their exclusive economic zones

Paragraph 22
2 effects on species associated with or dependent on harvested species

Paragraph 23
4 Promote objective of their ‘optimum utilization’

Paragraph 25
In addition .. the Convention contains several special provisions for certain types of stocks
in exclusive economic zone and high seas or in exclusive economic zones of 2 + States

Several related to high seas too.

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 Exercise 8
The documentation ….

First, ….

Secondly,

Exercise 9
1 =D
2 =E
3 =A
4 =F
5 =B
6 =C

Exercise 10
Part III Related global and regional instruments
General environmental protection - para 32 & 33
Pollution from land-based sources – para 34
Pollution from seabed activities subject to national jurisdiction – para 35 & 36
Pollution by dumping – para 37 & 38
Pollution from vessels – para 39
Environmental emergencies – para 40 & 41

Recommendations for improvement:

Perhaps this section actually consists of two major parts; the general environmental
protection instruments, and instruments governing particular types of pollution. Could the
report be divided thus:

Suggested changes:
The first heading could be more specific and organised according to page 177b on
headings):

Part III Related global and regional instruments

1 General environmental protection instruments (paras 32 & 33)

2 Pollution protection instruments

a) Pollution from land-based sources (para 34)
b) Pollution from seabed activities subject to national jurisdiction (paras 35 & 36)
c) Pollution by dumping (paras 37 & 38)
d) Pollution from vessels (para 39)

3 Environmental emergencies instruments (paras 40 & 41)

Note how the headings above have been reworded to be parallel.

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UNIT 8

Editing and revising for unity and coherence

Transitional expressions (linkers)
Parallelism (consistency) in the sentence
Repetition
Pronouns
Parallelism in lists
Week 3 – UNIT 8 - Editing and revising for unity and coherence
II EDITING AND REVISING FOR UNITY AND 114
COHERENCE
A ACHIEVING UNITY 114
1 In the paragraph 114
2 In the whole report 114
B ACHIEVING COHERENCE 115
1 In the paragraph 115
(a) Transitional expressions 116
(b) Parallelism at the sentence level 117 9
© Pronoun reference 119
2 Achieving coherence in the whole report 120
(a) Repetition of key words 120
(b) Parallelism of equivalent categories 121 9
ANSWER KEY 126

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II EDITING AND REVISING FOR UNITY AND COHERENCE

A. ACHIEVING UNITY
Exercise 1
In your opinion, what makes a group of sentences (from paragraph to document length) unified?

1. In the paragraph

You have seen that a topic sentence can aid the reader by providing an overview of what is to
come. A topic sentence can also unify a group of thoughts and make the relationship among them
focused. However, whether or not the main idea of a paragraph is explicitly stated in one sentence,
one clear idea should emerge from each paragraph. This will be true if the paragraph has unity.
Unity at the paragraph level requires that all the sentences be on the main idea.

Exercise 2

Read through the following paragraph. The topic sentence is underlined. Are all the other
sentences directly on the topic? Should any be eliminated or moved elsewhere?

Plans are being finalized to establish, by –(date)- an independent world foundation on ageing
under the patronage of the United Nations, to be called the Banyan Foundation. Discussions are
under way for the establishment of training institutes on ageing in Argentina, Yugoslavia and
Central America and the Caribbean. The foundation's main goal would be to empower the elderly
in all world regions to maintain maximum independence and the ability to contribute to society in
the context of the International Plan of Action. To that effect, the foundation will serve to secure or
broker funds from corporations, foundations, charitable bodies, individuals, Governments and
intergovernmental and non-governmental organizations and allocate them for specific projects and
programmes. Details now being finalized relate to the foundation’s location, constitution and by-
laws, initial seed capital, Board of Directors, Council of Patrons, staff, national affiliates, and
relationship with the United Nations.

2. In the whole report

The best way to check that the whole report is unified is to go back to your (clearly stated) purpose
statement mad make sure that each section of the report is clearly "part" of that statement. If your
Table of Contents or outline of the report is done well, you should be able to check unity by
comparing the points in the Table of Contents with the purpose statement.

Exercise 3
Check this Table of Contents with its purpose statement. Should any sections be moved to another
report?

Purpose: To present the action programme on ageing for –(date)-- and beyond in hopes that it
will serve as a catalyst for further implementation of the International Plan of Action on
Ageing from the local to the international levels.

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 QUESTION OF AGEING

Report of the Secretary-General

CONTENTS

I. INTRODUCTION

II. AGEING POPULATION (definition)

Ill. GLOBALAGENDA ON AGEING IN THE 2000s

A. Selecting global targets for 2010
B. Global calendar of events on ageing
C. Enabling factors: development cooperation and training

IV. NATIONAL AGENDA ON AGEING IN THE 2000s

A. Selecting national targets for 2010
B. Anniversary programme for 2002

V. COMPARISON OFAGEING PROGRAMME WITH YOUTH PROGRAMME

A. Youth programme targets for the 2000s

B. Ageing programme targets for the 2000s

VI. LOCAL AGENDA ON AGEING IN THE 2000s

A. Neighbourhoods, families and individuals

B. The business sector
C. Schools and colleges
D. The media

B. ACHIEVING COHERENCE

1. In the paragraph

A paragraph is said to be unified if the relationship between all the sentences is clear. Ideally, eac h
sentence in a paragraph should grow out of the previous one. There should be a sense of forward
movement or flow. This flow provides the coherence of a paragraph.

Several textual devices are used in English to give paragraphs coherence, which w e will
consider in turn. They include the following:

* Transitional expressions

* Parallelism at the sentence level

* Consistent pronoun reference

Remember, however, that before you start trying to improve the coherence in the paragraph,
you must first ensure that the paragraph is unified...that all the sentences are on the topic.

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(a) Transitional expressions

Think of them as sign posts for the reader. They indicate a new direction of thought or
emphasize that the writer is going to continue straight on: Below is a list of the most common
transition words and the direction they indicate:
Contrast Example Certainty

however for example indeed

in contrast for instance undoubtedly
certainly
of course

Addition Time / sequence Clarification

furthermore afterwards in fact

in addition before that actually
moreover next
besides then
subsequently Judgment
first
Result second unfortunately
therefore finally fortunately
consequently
for this reason Choice Despite a
situation
thus
as a result otherwise nevertheless
(on the one hand) nonetheless
on the other hand even so

Exercise 4
Choose an appropriate transition word or phrase to join the ideas in these sentenc es and
paragraphs.

1. No matter how sophisticated the computer system given to a user is, if adequate training is not
given, the user will not be able to use the system productively. ______________, staff training is
one of the most important elements for any successful computer system implementation.

2. As a rule, a prostitute must turn in information to the police concerning coercion, violenc e and
the like in order for the case to come to the attention of the police, who can than take action.
____________, many prostitutes are afraid to turn in information, because it would involve
admitting publicly that they are prostitutes or because they do not trust the police and the judic ial
authorities or because their pimp or "employer" will not let them do so.

3. Intra-familial support may include assistance from the young to the old or from the old to the
young. ____________________, it may be between the able-bodied and the infirm.

4. At the 13th meeting, on 22 March, the representatives of Sweden, on behalf of (list of

countries), introduced a draft resolution entitled "Efforts to eradicate violence against women with
the famiIy and society". __________________, the Federal Republic of Germany, (and other
countries) joined in sponsoring the draft resolution.

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5. Several experts commented that although, in their countries, national computer systems of
criminal justice administration had already been developed, there were certain limitations.
_________________, a certain reluctance to use computers had been observed among criminal
justice personnel, indicating the need for computer literacy programmes.

6. There are a number of inherent difficulties in attempting to standardize the structure of the
salary scales of the organizations. These are due to two basic factors. _____________, the
organizations seek to some extent to reflect the job relativities in the local labour market and
national economic and socia1 policies, which have a bearing on the overall structure of outside
salaries.______________, the organizations' internal needs tend to vary somewhat from duty
station to duty station.

(b). Parallelism at the sentence level

Another way to improve paragraph coherence is through the use of parallel construc tions. T hese
are different types of parallelism. One is the repetition of a particular grammatical structure, as in
the examples below.

Exercise 5
What examples of parallel wording can you locate in the following examples?

1. The Commission should now be given the opportunity and resources to proceed with its work
within the framework of reform agreed on in –(date)-- and to implement any further reforms.

Parallel forms: * ____________________ and _____________________

* ____________________ and _____________________

2. The absorption of large numbers of unemployed persons in the labour force, including migrant
workers, the disabled, and women with children, was considered to be a major s oc ial c onc ern m
many societies.

Parallel forms: _________________, ____________________ and _____________________

3. A study of the current practice of EDI, where parties already have to agree on a whole set of
communication issues, shows that this is done sometimes by reference to a manual, which is
mainly intended to deal with technical issues but can also have legal implications, and sometimes
by reference to the UNCID roles.

Parallel forms: * ____________________ and _____________________

Parallelism errors within the sentence occur when the grammatical elements that are being
connected are not o£ the same form:

Examples

- Collecting data is easy, but to write a report is difficult.

(WRONG. NOT PARALLEL.)

+ Collecting data is easy, but writing a report is difficult.

(RIGHT. PARALLEL.)

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- The Senior Systems Programmer asked me to develop a magnetic tape management s ys tem, to
reside permanently on the computer, to give better control and to coordinate the numerous
magnetic tapes. (WRONG. NOT PARALLEL.)
(Example from Huckin & Olsen, p. 433)

+ The Senior Systems Programmer asked me to develop a magnetic tape management system that
will reside permanently on the computer, give better control and coordinate the numerous
magnetic tapes. (RIGHT. PARALLEL.)

Exercise 6

Rewrite the sentences below, correcting the parallelism errors.

1. As I mentioned in my memorandum, your staff will be responsible for obtaining the data needed
to complete the report and for its dissemination to the appropriate departments.

2. The following matters are urgently required to develop the new programme: your immediate
support and send official requests by 1 November to our Director.

3. All of the team members contributed to the operation with dedication, responsible and alert
attitude.

4. The purpose of this memorandum is to convey the results of the evaluation and we would like to
solicit the advice of the Commission.

5. These guidelines encompass legislation, accessibility to physical environment and to documents

and information, improving information to and about disabled persons, and disability statistics.

Exercise 7
Underline the odd man out in each sentence and then make it parallel:

1. Now it has a different name, political system and smaller territory.

2. He does not abuse the supervisees but shows respect, understanding, and deals honestly w ith
them.

3. They will have a sense of responsibility when they become our heads of offices, governments or
heads of state.

4. I would not worry about paying bills, school fees or waking up at night.

5. The city offers activities such as going to concerts, Broadway shows, as well as basketball
games.

6. I saw the exciting nighttime activities to choose from - a drink at the bar, sing a song at a
karaoke place or just walked around the Pat-poong area.

7. The United States, Florida and California are the largest growers of oranges.

8. I want a husband who is intelligent, well educated, a high-flyer with an obscene amount of
income.

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9. They share facial expressions indicating their state of mind: happiness, sadness, pleasure,
mischievous deeds and curiosity.

10. Some characteristics that describe a good teacher are someone who is caring, giving, attentive,
committed, dynamic, good listener, with some human psychology to understand people's body
language, must have facility to communicate and transmit his/her messages clearly, and be patient.

Exercise 8
Underline “the odd one out” in each sentence and then make it parallel:

1. I used to take him to the doctor, to buy clothes, etc.

2. I want a husband who is liberal in thinking and should subscribe to feminist notions.

3. They share more features than just being mammals, walking upright and the use of the
opposable thumb.

4. Suddenly you are facing the street looking at different car models, signs and streets pointing in
so many different directions, where to turn, who to ask, strange looking people.

5. This knowledge could help us not only for research and maintaining a comprehensive data base,
but also generate statistical information.

6. A typical day on the job would be as follows: turn on the computer, check to see if there are any
E-mail messages, check the fax room for any faxes, answer the telephones, colleagues coming and
going inside my office with questions and social chit-chat, not to mention meetings to attend and
reports to write.

7. The response of the manic-depressive to others is always too sensitive, in a bad temper and
suspiciously.

8. People based their decisions on emotions rather than carefully thinking about the substance.

9. Campaigns have focused more on touching people's feelings than content.

10. They show similar body language when threatened: bluffing the opponent in their physical
appearance, males beating their chest to show dominance, aggressive, intimidating stance and
screaming, use of hands and fist to defend or fend off a threat.

11. It is just like going around looking for a bank to open an account, looking for a place to live,
looking for the supermarkets and what to buy, looking for a new job, even how your resume has to
be written.

(c). Pronoun reference

Paragraph coherence is also helped by the careful use of correct pronoun reference. Whenever you
use a pronoun, particularly an it or a they, be sure that its referent in the previous sentence or
earlier in the text is absolutely clear. If there is more than one possible referent, do not use a
pronoun.

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 Exercise 9
In the following texts, what pronoun is repeated? What does this pronoun refer to in each case?
How does this use of the same pronoun help hold the paragraph together as a unit?

1. Ways of highlighting the programme and attracting support have to be imaginatively explored.
An exciting possibility that should be pursued is the holding of a summit, for instance after the
Congress: it would draw attention to the needs and issues, and might provide a platform for the
adoption of the proposed convention. It would be a major political event that-would serve to
strengthen international cooperation in the crime field and the United Nations' role. But since it
would be short, it has to be well prepared.

2. This year's State of World Population Report looks at women as the agents of change. It
examines the interactions between their productive and reproductive roles and demonstrates that
the two are inextricably linked. It looks at the factors underlying c hanges in population and
development and argues that the role and status of women are central to both. …. It will argue that
the most effective route to smaller families is to provide women with the means of social and
economic self-determination. …
3. Amoebae are gray bits of jelly speckled with multitudes of grains and crystals. They have no
particular form, although when they're sleeping off a jag or just floating around passing the time of
day, they assume a sort of star shape, like a splash of ink. Mostly, they pour themselves along like
a lava flow. Every once in a while, they sit down on something, and when they get up, that
something is inside them.

Alfred Bester

2 Achieving coherence in the whole report

Coherence needs to be created across the whole report as well as in individual paragraphs. The
most important aid to coherence in the report is having a well-balanced local structure, which
moves through the argument in the way that a thoughtful reader would predict. You can make the
report seem more interconnected by repeating key words relatively often and by making equivalent
categories parallel.

(a) Repetition of key words

Repetition of key words can take place in a single paragraph or across a whole report. In this
exercise we will consider the repetition of key words in the paragraph. In a whole report, key or
important terms would be repeated in sections and subsections throughout the report.

Exercise 10

In the following paragraphs, underline the key words which help "glue" the paragraph together as a
unit.

(a) A timely and perceptive adjustment to ageing requires global leadership and consultation.
The General Assembly can provide the leadership, and to this end some initiatives are proposed for
its consideration in section II; the United Nations system and its various collaborative networks
can promote the necessary consultations. Global leadership and consultation serve to stimulate and
support regional and national action in keeping with diverse needs, capacities and cultures.

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 (b) The liberal-conservative labels parallel the left-right distinction that grew out of the French
revolution. In France's National Assembly of 1789, the conservatives sat to the right of the speaker
and became known as rightists, and the radicals sat to the left and became known as leftists. From
then on, it was commonly assumed that you could place ideological positions somewhere on a lis t
ranging from the left to the right. This system of classifying political philosophies is attractive
because it seems so tidy. But it is woefully inadequate, since it is one-dimensional, whereas the
world is three-dimensional. The world today is much too complex to hold still for the left-vers us -
right and the liberal-versus-conservative classifications.

Bob Senser
(b) Parallelism of equivalent categories

Grouping items that are to be considered equivalent categories is helpful for the reader; who can
then immediately see the cohesion among the items. However, all such items should be phrased in
parallel.

Exercise 11
What is "parallel" about the form of each list below? (For example, all items are adjectives, or all
items are noun phrases, etc.)

1. The following measures are proposed for the remainder of the Decade:

(a) An inter-agency meeting on the United Nations Decade of Disabled Persons should be
held annually;

(b) Each concerned body or agency should review its disability-related programme w ith a
view to expanding it or making it more effective;

(c) Regional and country offices should promote a better understanding of disability
issues, thereby encouraging Governments to give higher priority to disability-related programmes ;
and

(d) Technical support and assistance to disabled persons should be provided by

international financing institutions, such as the World Bank.

Parallelism of _____________________________

2. To promote further progress during the second half of the Decade, non-governmental
organizations are urged to:

(a) Establish regular and systematic contacts with the United Nations system and other
non-governmental organizations in collecting and disseminating information and research
findings; planning activities; sharing innovative experiences; and maximizing the use of available
resources;

(b) Mobilize their networks and resources to publicize the aims and objectives of the
Decade; and

(c) Provide regular information on their activities and meetings to the Disabled Persons
Unit of the Centre for Social Development and Humanitarian Affairs and to actively support its
activities.

Parallelism of _____________________________

(In #2 above, note the many parallel structures within the list itself.)

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Exercise 12

In the excerpts below, reorganize if necessary and rewrite the lists in parallel form.

1. The present approach to social welfare policies emphasizes the following five key issues:

a. Decentralization and de-institutionalization

b. Clients participating

c. Help for self help

d. Cooperating governments and municipalities

e. There is a strong emphasis on more extensive and intensive cooperation between

the health and the social welfare sectors

2. The following are my comments on the conference:

a. Went into the conference hoping to answer what do other installations do with regard to
problems we encounter here.

b. There are sessions for everyone and anyone.

c. Most beneficial sessions: systems programming area.

d. Attended as many sessions as I could.

e. Continued participation at conferences like this one needed to get the most benefits.

3. The following is a tentative outline of what would be involved in a countrywide approach for a
comprehensive assessment:

(a) The study should cover all of the technical cooperation activities completed over a long
term, such as the past 10 years, and collect all basic project documents relating to them;

(b) An in-depth review of those projects by a consultant who would discuss the projec ts
with the national office, user agencies in the country, the executing agencies and funding agencies;

(c) A report prepared by the consultant would be circulated among the above-named
offices and agencies involved and the comments received from them would be included in the final
report;

(d) The study should include two or three countries at different stages of development,
including the volume and nature of technical cooperation provided in the past.

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Exercise 13
Look at the following letter from the Secretary-General to the President of the Security
Council. The paragraphs have been mixed up. Fill the blanks with the appropriate paragraph letters
so that the 11 paragraphs are in the correct order:

SUMMARY:

problem: 1. __

recommendation: 2. __

DISCUSSION:

situation: 3. __
4. __
5. __
6. __

actions: 7. __
8: __
9. __
10. __
11. __

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 LETTER DATED 26 JULY 2002 FROM THE SECRETARY-GENERAL
ADDRESSED TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE SECURITY COUNCIL

A. Movement of personnel for periods of leave and for rotation of units have been seriously
hampered; for example, at Camp Terry there are currently approximately 600 soldiers who are
proceeding from leave and cannot return to the UNPAs because of the blockades. Other soldiers
in the UNPAs have had their leave cancelled. Perhaps most important is the effect on the morale
of the personnel who are being prevented from carrying out their duties.
B. On 19 July, President Daman informed Mr. Kasaki that, though the Caladian Government
was not officially involved in the blockades, they would only stop when Mr. Kasaki publicly
announced that all humanitarian aid to the UNPAs would be discontinued and that return of
displaced persons to the zone of separation would commence. The first condition is unacceptable
and the second unimplementable but, in a spirit of understanding for the frustrations of the
displaced persons, Mr. Kasaki did release a public statement on 21 July on UNCOCOMs
achievements, the obstacles it has faced, and its intentions, particularly as regards the possibility of
the return of displaced persons.
C. I recommend that the Security Council take appropriate action to call upon the
Government of the Republic of Caladia to fulfil its obligations to UNCOCOM and to end the
blockades.
D. Prime Minister Valentine undertook to seek an amelioration of the situation, and the
Caladian Government made a public call for an end to the blockades on 21 July. On 23 July, my
Special Representative discussed the matter again with President Daman. These steps have not
yielded positive results, other than the passage in Sector North of one leave convoy on 22 July and
a personnel reinforcement convoy on 23 July.
E. The blockades have meant that UNCOCOMs ability to monitor the 29 March 2002 Cease-
fire Agreement has been severely diminished. A direct result of this has been that the number of
confirmed serous violations of the Cease-fire Agreement has increased and tensions are rising
within the zone of separation. In addition, UNCOCOM personnel have been blocked from
performing basic tasks required in the sectors and, as such, they have been unable to conduct
negotiations to resolve outstanding issues.
F. The present situation cannot be allowed to continue. Without the restoration of
UNCOCOMs freedom of movement, the difficult conditions of supply and logistics risk the rapid
diminution of the mission’s capabilities. If the present situation is not rectified, UNCOCOM will
simply be unable to function in pursuance of the mandates entrusted to it by the Security Council.
G. All Caladian Government representatives with whom Mr. Kasaki has spoken have pointed
to the political sensitivities and difficulties in which they find themselves. There is no doubt that
the feelings of the displaced persons in Caladia must be addressed. However, while the
democratic right of citizens to demonstrate cannot be denied, it must be balanced against the
obligations assumed by the Caladian Government to allow UNCOCOM to do its work. While the
Government of Caladia may not be fully in control of the demonstrators, it is undeniably fully
responsible for ensuring that their actions do not prevent UNCOCOM from carrying out its duties.
H. I am writing to inform you of the serious difficulties that have arisen for the operations of
the United Nations _______________ Mission (UNCOCOM) in Caladia owing to the blockades of
all UNCOCOM traffic into the United Nations Protected Areas (UNPAs) be demonstrators.
I. In response to these instructions, my Special Representative, Mr. Kasaki, met last week
with President Dalman, Prime Minister Valentine, and Mr. Sero (President of the State
Commission for Relations with UNCOCOM) to impress upon them the seriousness of the situation
and the responsibility of the Government of Caladia to ensure that UNCOCOMs is not impeded.
He also conveyed to them that UNCOCOM had clear evidence of the active participation of
Caladian police in several of the blockades and that the Caladian Government was in violation of

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the Cease-fire Agreement of 29 March 2002, which explicitly commits the Caladian Government
to opening specific crossing points which are now blocked on the Caladian side.
J. Since 1 July 2002, demonstrators from the Association of Displaced Persons have
deliberately and progressively obstructed all crossing points into the UNPAs. A full list of
hindrances at crossing points is attached.
K. As the majority of UNCOCOM resupply is carried out by road to the sectors, logistic
supply has been virtually halted, leading to the use of circuitous and more expensive routes
through Lamaland and Kronaland in order to provide basic supplied for personnel, especially in
Sector East. Helicopters have also been used to transport commodities into sectors, as most
alternate routes, used from time to time, are now blocked. Furthermore, petrol has been rationed,
further restricting the ability of the sector personnel to carry out their functions. Troop-
contributing countries have expressed serious concern about the welfare of the personnel they have
provided to UNCOCOM.

Exercise 14

Rewrite the summary so that it contains the recommendation, which is the main point:

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Week 3 – Unit 8: Editing and revising for unity
and coherence
ANSWER KEY

Exercise 1

What makes a group of sentences (from paragraph to document length) unified?

In the paragraph, the sentences within it will all be related to the main idea.
The Table of Contents will relate to the purpose statement, and in the document, all the
sections of the document and all the paragraphs will relate to the purpose statement.

1. In the paragraph

Exercise 2
The first sentence after the topic sentence does not belong here. It is more logical to state
the main goal directly after the topic sentence. I would eliminate the sentence as it relates
to establishing training institutions in certain countries, but this paragraph deals with the
Foundation generally.

Exercise 3
Section V does not belong as there is no mention of comparing youth and ageing
programmes and it takes away from the focus on local to national to global, which are all
mentioned in the purpose statement.

Exercise 4
1 Therefore (or other result expression)
2 However (or other contrast clause)
3 In addition (or other addition clause)
4 Subsequently (Time)
5 For example (example)
6 On the one hand … on the other hand (choice / contrast)

Exercise 5
1
the opportunity and resources
the framework of the reform and any further reforms
to proceed and to implement

2
migrant workers, the disabled and women with children

3 sometimes by reference to a manual and sometimes by reference to the UNCID

rules

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 Exercise 6
1 As I mentioned in my memorandum, your staff will be responsible for obtaining
the data needed to complete the report and for disseminating it to the appropriate
departments. (Comments: for + -ing forms – for obtaining …. for disseminating …)
2 The following matters are urgently required to develop the new programme: your
immediate support and official requests to be sent by 1 November to our Director.
(Comment: noun phrases (immediate support … official requests)
3 All of the team members contributed to the operation with dedication,
responsibility and with an alert attitude. (Comment: nouns)
4 The purpose of this memorandum is to convey the results of the evaluation and to
solicit the advice of the Commission. (Comment: to convey … to solicit)
5 These guidelines encompass legislation, accessibility to physical environment and
to documents and information, improved information to and about disabled persons, and
disability statistics. (Comment: ‘ improving’ is not a noun phrase whereas in ‘improved
information’ ‘improved’ describes the noun).

Exercise 7
Underline the odd man out in each sentence and then make it parallel:

1. Now it has a different name, political system and smaller territory.

Now it has a different name, different political system and smaller territory.
OR Now it has both a different name and political system, as well as a smaller territory.

(Comment: In the original, it sounds like you are expecting ‘different’ to refer to ‘smaller
territory’ as well, as they all seem to be parallel, but are not in fact)

2. He does not abuse the supervisees but shows respect, understanding, and deals honestly
with them.

He does not abuse the supervisees but shows respect, understanding, and has honest
dealings with them.

(Comment: shows + nouns ….. has + noun)

3. They will have a sense of responsibility when they become our heads of offices,
governments or heads of state.

They will have a sense of responsibility when they become our heads of offices, of
governments or of state.

OR heads of offices, heads of governments or heads of state.

(Comment: like example 1, what ‘governments’ relates to is ambiguous. It is clearer to

have some repetition of the structure)

4. I would not worry about paying bills, school fees or waking up at night.

I would not worry about paying bills, paying school fees or waking up at night. OR I
would not worry either about paying bills or school fees, or about waking up at night.
(Comment: it is ambiguous what ‘school fees’ refers to)

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5. The city offers activities such as going to concerts, Broadway shows, as well as
basketball games.

The city offers activities such as going to concerts, Broadway shows and basketball
games.
OR
The city offers activities such as concerts, Broadway shows and basketball games (omit
‘going to’)
OR The city offers activities such as concerts, Broadway shows, as well as sports such as
basketball games.

(Comment: ‘basketball games’ is incongruous as it is not parallel with shows and

concerts, both of which are cultural activities. The addition of ‘as well as’ makes one
think that it is intended as a different type of activity. So it is important either to clarify
whether ‘basketball games’ are seen as another cultural activity to go to, or whether in fact
a new element is being introduced in the form of a sports activity).

6. I saw the exciting nighttime activities to choose from - a drink at the bar, sing a song at
a karaoke place or just walked around the Pat-poong area.

I saw the exciting nighttime activities to choose from – having a drink at the bar, singing a
song at a karaoke place or just walking around the Pat-poong area.

(Comment: activities are best described with –ing forms in English, so by adding suitable
–ing form verbs, the activities become parallel)

7. The United States, Florida and California are the largest growers of oranges.

In the United States, Florida and California are the largest growers of oranges.
OR Florida and California are the largest growers of oranges in the United States.

(Comment: the original sentence makes all three sound equal)

8. I want a husband who is intelligent, well educated, a high-flyer with an obscene amount
of income.

I want a husband who is intelligent, well educated, high-flying, and with an obscene
amount of income.
OR I want a husband who is intelligent, well educated, ambitious and extremely well off.

(Comment: the second sentence changes the noun to an adjective and admits a third
relative clause, but is not very parallel still, whereas the third sentence changes somewhat
the original flavour, but is much more parallel. The humour is lost, however.)

9. They share facial expressions indicating their state of mind: happiness, sadness,
pleasure, mischievous deeds and curiosity.

They share facial expressions indicating their state of mind: happiness, sadness, pleasure,
mischievousness and curiosity.

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10. Some characteristics that describe a good teacher are someone who is caring, giving,
attentive, committed, dynamic, good listener, with some human psychology to understand
people's body language, must have facility to communicate and transmit his/her messages
clearly, and be patient.

Some characteristics that describe a good teacher are someone who is caring, giving,
attentive, committed, dynamic, patient, who is a good listener, with some human
psychology to understand people's body language, and with a facility to communicate and
transmit his/her messages clearly.

(Comment: some reordering to get adjectives together, repeated ‘who is ..’ structures, then
relative clauses together ‘with …)

Exercise 8
Underline the odd man out in each sentence and then make it parallel:

1. I used to take him to the doctor, to buy clothes, etc.

I used to take him to the doctor, take him to buy clothes, etc.

(Comment: the alternative is that it sounds like he is going to buy clothes at the doctor’s)

2. I want a husband who is liberal in thinking and should subscribe to feminist notions.
I want a husband who is liberal in thinking and who subscribes to feminist notions.

3. They share more features than just being mammals, walking upright and the use of the
opposable thumb.
They share more features than just being mammals, walking upright and using the
opposable thumb.

4. Suddenly you are facing the street looking at different car models, signs and streets
pointing in so many different directions, where to turn, who to ask, strange looking people.

Suddenly you are facing the street looking at different car models, at signs and streets
pointing in so many different directions, at strange looking people, that you don’t know
where to turn or who to ask.

(Comment: looking at + nouns, then introduction to ‘where … who ..’ structure.

5. This knowledge could help us not only for research and maintaining a comprehensive
data base, but also generate statistical information.

This knowledge could help us not only for research and maintaining a comprehensive
database, but also for generating statistical information.

6. A typical day on the job would be as follows: turn on the computer, check to see if
there are any E-mail messages, check the fax room for any faxes, answer the telephones,
colleagues coming and going inside my office with questions and social chit-chat, not to
mention meetings to attend and reports to write.

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A typical day on the job would be as follows: turning on the computer, checking to see if
there are any E-mail messages, checking the fax room for any faxes, answering the
telephones, answering questions from colleagues coming and going inside my office and
engaging in social chit-chat, not to mention attending meetings and writing reports.

(Comment: the best structure is the –ing one, rather than a mixture of imperative-
sounding ones and then ones beginning with nouns)

7. The response of the manic-depressive to others is always too sensitive, in a bad temper
and suspiciously.

The response of the manic-depressive to others is always too sensitive, bad tempered and
suspicious.
OR The response of the manic-depressive to others is always being too sensitive, being in
a bad temper and acting suspiciously.

(Comment: need to either have adjectives or add an –ing verb)

8. People based their decisions on emotions rather than carefully thinking about the
substance.

People based their decisions on emotions rather than careful thoughts about the substance
OR People based their decisions on reacting emotionally rather than thinking carefully
about the substance.

9. Campaigns have focused more on touching people's feelings than content.

Campaigns have focused more on touching people's feelings than on content.

(Comment: not people’s content)

10. They show similar body language when threatened: bluffing the opponent in their
physical appearance, males beating their chest to show dominance, aggressive,
intimidating stance and screaming, use of hands and fist to defend or fend off a threat.

They show similar body language when threatened: bluffing the opponent in their physical
appearance, males beating their chest to show dominance, taking an aggressive,
intimidating stance and screaming, and using their hands and fist to defend or to fend off a
threat.

(Comment: adding ‘taking’ makes the ‘stance’ phrase more parallel to the other
structures, as well as ‘using’)

11. It is just like going around looking for a bank to open an account, looking for a place
to live, looking for the supermarkets and what to buy, looking for a new job, even how
your resume has to be written.

It is just like going around looking for a bank to open an account, looking for a place to
live, looking for the supermarkets and deciding what to buy, looking for a new job, even
deciding how to write your resume.

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 Exercise 9
1 ‘it’ is to be found in the third, fourth, fifth and sixth lines. In each case it refers to
‘the holding of a summit’ or ‘a summit’, which is referenced in the second line.
As the structure is repeated each time with ‘would’ (being an unreal hypothetical
reference), except for the final reference, which is real, the reference to the original
summit is not lost in the following examples. This holds the paragraph together well.

2 First line: ‘It’ refers to ‘World Population Report’

Second line: ‘their’ refers to ‘women’ from the first line, ‘the two’ refers to women’s
productive and reproductive roles.
Third line: ‘It’ refers to ‘World Population Report’ from the first line.
Fourth line: ‘both’ refers to ‘changes in population and development’
Fifth line: ‘It’ refers to the Report from the first line

3 ‘they’ in every line refers to ‘amoebae’.

Final line: ‘that something’ refers to the something they sit down on mentioned in the
same line.

Exercise 10
a) leadership and consultation
b) liberal / conservative; left-right; left versus right; leftists etc

Exercise 11
1 noun phrase + should
2 infinitive verb forms

Exercise 12
1 The present approach to social welfare policies emphasizes the following five
key issues:

a) Strong emphasis on more extensive and intensive cooperation between the

health and social welfare sectors
b) Government and municipality cooperation (or Cooperation of governments
and municipalities)
c) Decentralization and deinstitutionalization
d) Client participation (or Participation of clients)
e) Help for self help

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 2 The following are my comments on the conference:

a) I went to the conference to find out what other installations do with regard
to problems we encounter here.
b) I found there were a great variety of sessions for many audiences.
c) I attended as many sessions as I could.
d) I found the most beneficial sessions were in the systems programming area.
e) I recommend continued participation at conferences like this one to get the
most benefits.

3 The following is a tentative outline of what would be involved in a country-

wide approach for a comprehensive assessment:

a) The study should cover all of the …

b) The study should include …
c) An in-depth review of those projects should be carried out by …
d) A report should be prepared by the consultant, which would ….

Exercise 13

The correct order is as follows:

SUMMARY:
problem: 1. H
recommendation: 2. C

DISCUSSION:
background: 3. J
4. E
5. K
6. A
argument: 7. I
8. B
9. D
10. G
11. F

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HENCE:
LETTER DATED 26 JULY 2002 FROM THE SECRETARY-GENERAL
ADDRESSED TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE SECURITY COUNCIL
SUMMARY
Problem
H. I am writing to inform you of the serious difficulties that have arisen for the
operations of the United Nations _______________ Mission (UNCOCOM) in Caladia
owing to the blockades of all UNCOCOM traffic into the United Nations Protected Areas
(UNPAs) be demonstrators.
Recommendation
C. I recommend that the Security Council take appropriate action to call upon the
Government of the Republic of Caladia to fulfil its obligations to UNCOCOM and to end
the blockades.
DISCUSSION
Background
J. Since 1 July 2002, demonstrators from the Association of Displaced Persons have
deliberately and progressively obstructed all crossing points into the UNPAs. A full list of
hindrances at crossing points is attached.
E. The blockades have meant that UNCOCOMs ability to monitor the 29 March 2002
Cease-fire Agreement has been severely diminished. A direct result of this has been that
the number of confirmed serous violations of the Cease-fire Agreement has increased and
tensions are rising within the zone of separation. In addition, UNCOCOM personnel have
been blocked from performing basic tasks required in the sectors and, as such, they have
been unable to conduct negotiations to resolve outstanding issues.
K. As the majority of UNCOCOM resupply is carried out by road to the sectors,
logistic supply has been virtually halted, leading to the use of circuitous and more
expensive routes through Lamaland and Kronaland in order to provide basic supplied for
personnel, especially in Sector East. Helicopters have also been used to transport
commodities into sectors, as most alternate routes, used from time to time, are now
blocked. Furthermore, petrol has been rationed, further restricting the ability of the sector
personnel to carry out their functions. Troop-contributing countries have expressed
serious concern about the welfare of the personnel they have provided to UNCOCOM.
A. Movement of personnel for periods of leave and for rotation of units have been
seriously hampered; for example, at Camp Terry there are currently approximately 600
soldiers who are proceeding from leave and cannot return to the UNPAs because of the
blockades. Other soldiers in the UNPAs have had their leave cancelled. Perhaps most
important is the effect on the morale of the personnel who are being prevented from
carrying out their duties.
I. In response to these instructions, my Special Representative, Mr. Kasaki, met last
week with President Dalman, Prime Minister Valentine, and Mr. Sero (President of the
State Commission for Relations with UNCOCOM) to impress upon them the seriousness
of the situation and the responsibility of the Government of Caladia to ensure that
UNCOCOMs is not impeded. He also conveyed to them that UNCOCOM had clear
evidence of the active participation of Caladian police in several of the blockades and that
the Caladian Government was in violation of the Cease-fire Agreement of 29 March 2002,

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which explicitly commits the Caladian Government to opening specific crossing points
which are now blocked on the Caladian side.
B. On 19 July, President Daman informed Mr. Kasaki that, though the Caladian
Government was not officially involved in the blockades, they would only stop when Mr.
Kasaki publicly announced that all humanitarian aid to the UNPAs would be discontinued
and that return of displaced persons to the zone of separation would commence. The first
condition is unacceptable and the second unimplementable but, in a spirit of understanding
for the frustrations of the displaced persons, Mr. Kasaki did release a public statement on
21 July on UNCOCOMs achievements, the obstacles it has faced, and its intentions,
particularly as regards the possibility of the return of displaced persons.
D. Prime Minister Valentine undertook to seek an amelioration of the situation, and
the Caladian Government made a public call for an end to the blockades on 21 July. On
23 July, my Special Representative discussed the matter again with President Daman.
These steps have not yielded positive results, other than the passage in Sector North of one
leave convoy on 22 July and a personnel reinforcement convoy on 23 July.
G. All Caladian Government representatives with whom Mr. Kasaki has spoken have
pointed to the political sensitivities and difficulties in which they find themselves. There
is no doubt that the feelings of the displaced persons in Caladia must be addressed.
However, while the democratic right of citizens to demonstrate cannot be denied, it must
be balanced against the obligations assumed by the Caladian Government to allow
UNCOCOM to do its work. While the Government of Caladia may not be fully in control
of the demonstrators, it is undeniably fully responsible for ensuring that their actions do
not prevent UNCOCOM from carrying out its duties.
F. The present situation cannot be allowed to continue. Without the restoration of
UNCOCOMs freedom of movement, the difficult conditions of supply and logistics risk
the rapid diminution of the mission’s capabilities. If the present situation is not rectified,
UNCOCOM will simply be unable to function in pursuance of the mandates entrusted to it
by the Security Council.

Exercise 14
In the original letter the recommendation is actually in the last paragraph. In other words,
in the original C is the last paragraph.

To get the recommendation, paragraph C, which is the main point, at the

beginning, move it to the end of the first paragraph and slightly reword it:

I am writing to inform you of the serious difficulties that have arisen for the
operations of the United Nations ________________ Mission (UNCOCOM) owing to the
blockades of all UNCOCOM traffic into the United Nations Protected areas (UNPAs) by
demonstrators. As UNCOCOM will not be able to carry out its work in these conditions,
I recommend that the Security Council call upon the Government of the Republic of
Caladia to fulfil its obligations and to end the blockades.

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UNIT 9
Editing and revising:
Sentence-level concision
Week 4 – UNIT 9 - Editing and revising: sentence-level concision Red
Flag
III EDITING AND REVISING: SENTENCE- 137
LEVEL CONCISION; SUMMARIZING
A MAKING SENTENCES CONCISE 137 3
1 Avoid repetition 138
2 Divide long, convoluted sentences 139 3
3 Use the FOG index 141 3
4 Focus your sentences 143
(a) Favour active over passive voice 143 6
(b) Avoid “there + BE” eg there is, there was 144 4
5 Substitute long, heavy phrases with single words 145 5
6 Avoid using adjectival and adverbial phrases 147 5
7 Vary sentence length 150 3
ANSWER KEY 153

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A. MAKING SENTENCES CONCISE

Paragraphs are made up of sentences, which are combinations of words. If the paragraphs are to be
effective, the sentences must be constructed with care and the words chosen thoughtfully.
Wordiness in sentences is the single most frequently mentioned problem of sentence style in
United Nations reports.

Some guidelines for streamlining sentences and eliminating "gobbledygook" and “Eurobabble”:
[Link]
[Link]
[Link]

Go to these sites for an explanation of gobbledygook and plain English.

Wherever possible, change:

 nouns into verbs

The elimination of this process .. By eliminating this process

 passive into active

The cost was paid by the department ...... The department paid the cost

 heavy phrases into light phrases (or single words)

.............................................In view of the fact that Since

 vague descriptions into specific information

We will communicate with you in due course ....

You will receive our response by 15 July

 "unbalanced" phrases into parallel structures:

He was told to collect the data and that he should also analyse it---- He was told to collect the data
and to analyse it

Exercise 1
Cut a few words in the following sentences without sacrificing the intention of the writer:

1. To many observers, this continuation of strong productivity growth provides additional

evidence in support of the view that there has been a shift in the trend of productivity growth and
that this is largely related to cumulative ICT innovation.

2. To the extent that there has been such a positive shift, the pace of expansion at which
demand and supply matches without exacerbating the pace of inflation, has been lifted to about 3.5
- 4 per cent, or at least one percentage point over the trend observed during the last two decades.

3. Furthermore, information technology (IT) should be regarded as an additional or new

factor of production, taking its place with other such factors, such as physical or human capital.

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The following are some suggestions and techniques that can help you improve your writing s tyle
by cutting down on the number of words.

1. Avoid repetition

Unnecessary repetition and wordiness is the major stylistic fault in most reports. It is sometimes
hard to get rid of, especially in one's own writing. However, we can be more concise by avoiding
circumlocutions:

roundabout expressions,
unnecessary repetition,
unnecessary words.

For instance, are the underlined words and phrases necessary in this text?

It may be recalled that in connection with the ---(date) -- round of censuses , c ensus training
workshops/seminars were organized at the regional levels for training nationals of developing
countries in each region. Most of them did not have much or any prior experience in census
taking. Therefore, the topics covered in those workshops were very general in nature. They
included basic areas such as, inter alia, the organization of the census office, fundamental
concepts and definitions, census topics and questionnaire design, field organization,
enumerator training, and supervisory controls etc. They also covered elementary aspects of
census cartography, use of sampling in censuses, data processing etc., which are considered as
somewhat specialized fields.

Probably none of the underlined words is necessary. As in life in general, it's easy to add fat.
It's hard to relinquish it.

Exercise 2

Cross out any words in the following sentences that repeat ideas or wording.

1. Reporting to inter-governmental bodies should be done biennially instead of annually in view of

the fact that changes in this field occur slowly rather than rapidly and therefore would be better
reflected through a two-year reporting cycle.

2. Heavy demands have been placed on the Section in recent years as a result of a constantly
growing workload, which seems to increase steadily. The growth in the workload has resulted
primarily from quantitative factors to do with numbers. With regard to the quantitative aspect, it
may be recalled that about three years ago only three of the five treaty bodies now being s ervic ed
by the Section were in existence.

3. During the –(date)-- census decade, technical cooperation activities were carried out in the
following four major areas: the provision of technical advisory services through country, regional
or interregional advisers; the provision of training through workshops, fellowships and study tours;
the provision of funds for the purchase of equipment; and the provision of funds for selected loc al
costs.

4. It is anticipated that the preliminary results of the study could be available to report to the
Commission at its twenty-fourth session.

5. Some services were provided for the planning of the project concerned, and other services w ere
provided for the implementation of the project. In addition, some advisory services were
concerned with the follow-up activities related to the completed projects.

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 2. Divide long, convoluted sentences

The following sentence is wordy:

The major problem in the field of household food security, to which we urge special attention
should be given, is the distribution of seeds and fertilizers to individual households which is
primarily a problem in the northern areas of the country particularly where the road and
transportation system is of significantly poor quality, being especially vulnerable during the
rainy season from June through September.

Total # of words: 64. The sentence contains 5 ideas:

Main idea: The major problem in the field of household food security is the distribution of
seeds and fertilizers to individual households
Other ideas: -to which we urge special attention
-which is primarily a problem in the northern areas of the country
-particularly where the road and transportation system is of significantly poor quality
-being especially vulnerable during the rainy season from June through September
The sentence could be divided into three: one stating the major problem, the next telling where
and the third telling when. Having extracted the individual ideas from the long sentence, we can
then rearrange them into several sentences, which will be easier to process:

The major problem in the field of household food security, to which we urge special attention
be given, is the distribution of seeds and fertilizers to individual households. This is primarily
a problem in the northern areas of the country where the road and transportation system is
poor. The most vulnerable period is the rainy season from June to September.

Total number of words: Sent. 1:28

Sent. 2:20
Sent. 3:12
________
60

In this instance, we haven't lost many words, but we have made the text easier to proc es s by
shortening the sentences and making the first one into a topic sentence. Breaking a long s entenc e
into two or three shorter ones creates a paragraph that is much easier for the reader.

Short words, short sentences and short paragraphs are to be preferred to long words, long
sentences and long paragraphs ... When we attempt to cram too many facts or ideas, even related
facts or ideas, into one sentence or one paragraph, the result is at worst to make our writing
unintelligible, at best to slow down our readers.

Sentence length is preferably maximum 25 words.

Exercise 3

Divide these long sentences into shorter ones:

1. The letter contains a request by the Government of the Republic of Inlandia to be

permitted to draw from its assets which are frozen in United States banks under the mandatory
sanctions decreed by the Security Council sufficient funds to pay part of its assessed contributions
to the regular budget of the United Nations.

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2. I have the honour to transmit to you the text (in English and French) of a statement by the
Heads of State or Government of Aralia, Borland, Davistan, Jabilan, Koravia, Mindiland,
Talandia, Travibi, Vorania, and Zabistan, which participated in the Second Summit Meeting of the
Economic Cooperation Organization, which was held in Memphis, on 6-7 July 2002.

3. Unfortunately the Department has at present more staff members than there are posts to
accommodate them, which means that we cannot recommend recruitment of external candidates,
even when they are well qualified.

4. They do not make the choice according to the availability of domestic materials and the state
of the domestic markets, both of which are very small, but according to their own particular
background and experience, the possibility of acquiring technical know -how from abroad, the
availability of labour and its potential for training to the level of skill required, the source and cost
of such imported material and spare parts as cannot be made domestically, and the availability of a
combined domestic and export market.

5. Even apart from the measures designed to bring about an improvement in the management of
farms, the considerable increases in the supply of fertilizers envisaged for the forthcoming years
seem certain to result in a substantial increase in output, and in view of the prevailing very low
yields per hectare associated with extremely inadequate applications of fertilizers to grain
production, the steep rise in the supply of fertilizers may enable the country to expand its
agricultural production at significantly higher rates than might be achieved by a more highly
developed agriculture.

6. By its resolution RS/QT (2001) of 22 March 2001, the Security Council extended UNXYZ's
mandate until 30 June 2001 and requested me to report to the Council at such time when
conditions existed in Doralia for the deployment of UNXYZ for purposes consistent with
paragraph 5 of the President's Peninsula Agreement (see S/BBBB), and, taking into account
circumstances at the time of the report, to make specific recommendations on the composition of
UNXYZ and the scope of its activities within the overall personnel levels established in Security
Council resolution YYY (2000) of 23 September 2000.

Exercise 4

This mammoth sentence from a United Nations report has about 120 words. Try to break it up:

The members of the Security Council will recall that by its resolution MTO (2003) of 29 January
2003, the Security Council decided to extend the mandate of UNAVOX II for a period of three
months until 30 April 2003, with the proviso that, as a provisional measure based on security
considerations, the Secretary-General was authorized to concentrate UNAVOX II deployment in
Boanda, and at his discretion in other provincial locations, with the levels of equipment and
personnel he deemed appropriate to be retained in order to allow the subsequent expeditious
redeployment of UNAVOX II as soon as that became feasible with a view to the resumption of its
functions in accordance with the "Peace Accords" and previous resolutions on this matter.

Exercise 5

Break the following wordy sentence into two or three shorter ones. Try not to lose any of the
important information or the cohesiveness, but feel free to delete unnecessary wordiness.

In spite of the fact that complete and efficient programming is dependent upon the total
amount and accuracy of data available through governmental, non-governmental and other sources
as well as systematic observation, this report will take as a given piece of knowledge the
understanding that some of the information contained herein cannot consistently be empirically
substantiated regardless of the credibility of the various sources.

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 3. Use the FOG Index

The FOG Index, devised by Robert Gunning, indicates the effort it takes to read mad make s ens e
of any written text. The lower the FOG Index (FI), the clearer the text. (Less "foggy:') The
numbers correspond to the levels of education using United States grade levels. A FOG Index of
10 means that the text is approximately at 10th grade reading level. One of 16 means that the text
will be understood by a 4th year (12 + 4) college student, one about to graduate.

For United Nations report writing, an appropriate FI would be from 12-18. For example, a
sample page from the 1989 State of the World's Children Report had an FI of 12. Fog Indexes in
the 20's (or higher) indicate fog at the pea-soup level.

Typical FI's of some well-known publications are:

-TIME and Newsweek 12-14

-New York Times 14-16

-Reader's Digest 8

-Most popular novels 8-10

Calculation

If you want to calculate how "foggy" your sentences are, pick a typical half page from one of
your reports. Then follow this method of calculation:

(Total number Number of "hard")

( of words words X 100 )
F.I. = ( + ,) x 0.4
( )
(Total number Total number )
(of sentences of words )

For the FI, "hard" words are any words with three or more syllables, with three exceptions:

- proper names (Ethiopia, Vianello-Chiodo)

- compounds of short words (six-year-old, up-to-date)
- words in which the third syllable ends in -es or -ed (e.g. sentences, protected)

(Total number Number of "hard")

( of words: -- words ( ) X 100)
F.I. = ( + .) X 0.4

(Total number Total number )

(of sentences: of words: )

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Sample sentence A:
The attitude of each, that he was not required to inform himself of, and his lack of interes t in, the
measures taken by the other to carry out the responsibility assigned to such other under the
provision of plans then in effect, demonstrated on the part of each lack of appreciation of the
responsibilities vested in them, and inherent in their positions.

FOG INDEX CALCULATIONS FOR SENTENCE A

(63 words 9 X 100)

_________ + _______ X 0.4 =
(1 sentence 63 )

63 + 14.3 X 0.4 =
76.3 X 0.4 = 30.9 !

Sentence B: A clear version of the same sentence:

Neither took any interest in the other’s plans, nor even found out what they were. This shows that
they did not appreciate the responsibilities of their positions.

FOG INDEX CALCULATIONS FOR SENTENCE B

(27 words 4 X 100)

_________ + _______ X 0.4 =
(2 sentences 27 )

13.5 + 14.8 X 0.4 =

28.3 X 0.4 = 11.3

Exercise 6

Try the FOG Index method on the following sentences.

1. The Secretary-General was requested by the General Assembly to take all necessary meas ures
and do everything possible to ensure that an equitable balance was achieved, in the interests of fair
dealing, between men and women personnel in the staff, especially in these senior decision-
making positions the incumbents of which are by their functions participants in the formulation of
policy within the particular spheres of their responsibilities.

Can you rewrite this text to make it more readable?

2. The large development programme which is still continuing, the likely demands for progressive
improvement of facilities, coupled with the very high interest rates now ruling, and the
comprehensive reconstruction of manning structures, wages and terms of employment, confront
the ports with a situation in which, giving all due weight to the benefits to be expected from
increased management and operating efficiency, disposal of out-of-date assets and other measures
within the control of management, it appears dear to the Council that it will be difficult to ac hieve
a satisfactory and continuing net surplus.

(Hint: There are 93 words in this sentence! And it is all one sentence.)

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 4. Focus your sentences

(a) Favour active over passive voice

* Focusing sentences by choosing the active voice whenever possible

Example: PASSIVE: Data have been requested (by us).

ACTIVE: We have requested data
ACTIVE: We request funds.
PASSIVE: Funds are requested (by us).

If you want to obscure the agent (the person or thing doing the action), perhaps because the agent
is not important, you might choose to use the passive voice.

But most of the writers who wish to be clear and direct prefer the active voice.

If you wish to obscure the agent, the person or thing doing the action, for whatever purpose, or if
the agent is not that important, you may choose to use the passive voice:

Examples:

* The lecture has been cancelled. (Who cancelled it is not important.)

* The missing computer file has been located. (Perhaps we don't wish to say who found it.)
* The report will be sent to you. (By whom may be irrelevant.)
But most of the time, writers who wish to be clear and direct prefer the active voice.

Exercise 7

Change the following sentences to the active voice.

1. In conclusion, it is noted that the job can be done adequately by either individual.

2. Our serious consideration ought to be given to her proposal.

3. Since a visit to the Centre can only be included by the guide if the total stop takes no longer than
half an hour, quick access has to be guaranteed by Security.

4. This conference, as was also true of the last one, was made possible through the outstanding
organizing abilities of one person.

5. A skewed sex ratio is also observed in countries where death toll on the population from war or
persecution is particularly high among men.

6. The same study of DHS (Demographic and Health Surveys) data also found that a larger family
was thought to be ideal by more rural-to-urban migrant women than native urban residents.

7. In only a few countries surveyed by DHS are flush toilets common, and in some countries,
especially in rural areas, they are virtually unknown.

8. One that is called by philosophers the ethical egoism and that emphasizes the Maximization of
one's own good.

9. Regional training using the manual is planned for later in 2000 at ECLAC in Santiago, Chile.

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 Exercise 8

Where is the passive voice used in the following paragraph? Try to eliminate the use of the
passive and then make the sentences more direct in the process.

Both the USA and Canada are estimated to register a very strong growth of international
trade. However, in spite of a rebound in exports, the large trade deficit has continued to grow in
the United States, as imports remain strong, supported by a strong dollar and increased foreign
capital inflows. The deficit is forecast to stay around 4 per cent of GDP in the next few years,
posing certain potential risks for an abrupt adjustment that could lead to significant negative
shocks to the world economy.

(b) Avoid “there is / are / was / were” type constructions

Exercise 9
Read through the following excerpts from reports. The use of "there is/was/were", etc . takes the
focus away from the real subjects of the sentences. Delete the 'there + BE' and re-focus each
sentence. When is 'there + BE "appropriate?

1. There was a wide spectrum of needs that had to be met. The current crime picture underlined the
urgency of corrective action. The time for piecemeal remedies had passed. There was agreement
that something drastic had to be done to change the situation so as to give the United Nations
crime programme its due and permit it to better fulfil its potential in the service of Governments
and the international community. There were some differences of opinion as to how that could best
be achieved.

2. It was pointed out that while the convention was a long-term goal, there were certain immediate
steps that had to be taken. It was also agreed that there was no dichotomy of convention versus
programme, since the convention would be an element of the programme and a possible
framework for it. There was some discussion on the type of convention to be formulated and how
that process could be carried forward.

3. Although the problem of crime was complex, there was a sense that it was a danger and a threat.
But more had to be known about it, its extent or how it was being addressed. No doubt there were
serious problems, such as drugs, terrorism, international fraud, environmental offenc es , abus e of
power and systematic use of repression. Without over-dramatizing the issue, which c ould lead to
over-reacting to it, there was an obligation to take crime seriously.

4. There were four main areas on which the United Nations had focused its activities: the
improvement of international co-operation by model instruments; the exchange of information,
especially in the areas of victims and crime prevention; the promotion of technical co-operation;
and the maintenance of standards of human rights and integrity. To cover them properly w ith the
required high quality of work was difficult without adequate resources and the necessary politic al
will.

Exercise 10

Read the sentences below. The use of “there is/are/was/were" takes the focus away from the real
subjects of the sentences.

Delete the "there + BE" and re-focus each sentence.

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1. In the past, there has been the very real problem of tightening leading to further appreciation of
the pound and then the greater inflationary impulses in the future when Sterling begins to fall.

2. Among the developing countries, there was a dramatic increase in unemployment in the crisis
countries in 2001 and 2002, with correspondingly smaller consequences in countries less
affected.

3. There are two kinds of output defined in economics and both of them are believed to be related
to investment through different ways.

4. To meet this demand (for gender statistics) there is a need for a review of the organization and
programme of work to include compilation and dissemination of statistics, which can be used
to monitor resulting programmes.

5. In spite of continuous decline in the relative weight of the younger segments of the population,
there are still many parts of the world where children represent a large share of the population.
When considering individual countries, there are still 66 of them where more than 40 per c ent
of the population consists of children and in several of these, almost half of the population, is
under 15.
5. Substitute long, heavy phrases with single words

Exercise 11
(Examples from Style, by Joseph M. Williams.)

There are no general rules to tell you when you can compress several words into a word or
two. I can only point out that you often can, and that you should be on the alert for opportunities to
do so- which is to say, try. You may need to reword the sentence.

1 What word or words can replace these heavy phrases? ___________________

the reason for
for the reason that
due to the fact that
owing to the fact that
in light of the fact that
considering the fact that
on the grounds that
this is why

It is difficult to explain the reason for the delay in the completion of the investigation.

It is difficult to explain why the investigation was delayed.

In light of the fact that no profits were reported from 1967 through 1974, the stock values
remained largely unchanged.
_______________ no profits were reported...

2 What word or words can replace these heavy phrases? ___________________

despite the fact that
regardless of the fact that
notwithstanding the fact that

Despite the fact that the results were checked several times, serious errors crept into the findings.
________________ the results...

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3 What word or words can replace these heavy phrases? ___________________

in the event that

if it should transpire/happen that
under circumstances in which

In the event that the materials arrive after the scheduled date, contact the shipping
department immediately.

______________ the materials arrive...

4 What word or words can replace these heavy phrases? ___________________

on the occasion of
in a situation in which
under circumstances in which

In a situation in which a class is overenrolled, you may request that the instructor reopen the class.

_______________ a class is overenrolled...

5 What word or words can replace these heavy phrases? ___________________

as regards
in reference to
with regard to
concerning the matter of
where _______ is concerned

I should now like to make a few observations concerning the matter of contingency funds.

I should now like to make a few observations ____________ contingency funds.

6 What word or words can replace these heavy phrases? ___________________

it is crucial that
it is necessary that
there is a need/necessity for
it is important that
it is incumbent upon
cannot be avoided

There is a need for more careful inspection of all welds.

You __________ inspect all welds more carefully

It is important that the proposed North-South Thruway not displace significant numbers o£
residents.
The proposed North-South Thruway ____________ not displace significant numbers of residents.

7 What word or words can replace these heavy phrases? ___________________

is able to
is in a position to
has the opportunity to
has the capacity for
has the ability to

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We are in a position to make you a firm offer for your house.
We ____________ make you a firm offer for your house.

8 What word or words can replace these heavy phrases? ___________________

it is possible that
there is a chance that
it could happen that
the possibility exists for

It is possible that nothing will come of these preparations.

Nothing ________ come of these preparations.

6. Avoid using adjectival or adverbial phrases

Exercise 12

 Examining the use and abuse of adjectives and wording that can confuse…

Please note the underlined words in the sections of text that follow. What other
words can convey the same meaning – only more clearly and, in some cases, more
sensitively?

1. As mentioned earlier, the common feature of strong ICT-related investment along

with the ongoing economic restructuring in many of these economies, is likely to sustain
a fairly robust pace of further economic expansion.

2. Whereas a pace of economic growth above 3 per cent is expected to continue for
France and Spain, the economy of Italy is seen as remaining relatively laggard. This stems
in part from the considerable fiscal consolidation pursued in the run-up to the inception of
the Economic and Monetary Union in 1999.

3. Japan remains the laggard among the developed economies. But a cyclical
recovery has been in progress.

4. Inflation: rising but basically under control

5. Global economic growth for most of 2000 continued to accelerate along the path
initiated in early 1999…By year-end, however, increasing signs of a slowing down in the
pace of expansion were coming to the fore…Whether this slowing down signals a “soft
landing” in major countries or a harbinger of a much more abrupt decline in economic
buoyancy in major countries is at this stage difficult to ascertain. On present evidence, the
chances for an orderly unwinding of prevailing imbalances with a moderation in the
sustainable pace of growth are better than the other outcome.

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6. Growth of private consumption demand continues to be relatively less robust,
as the large number of layoffs from the SOEs and other uncertainties related to reforms in
the areas of housing and social welfare has adversely lead to lower income propensity to
consume.

7. …which integrates together independently developed national econometric models

for a large number of countries and composite regions…

8. With foreign reserves mounting to about $160 billion, the Chinese Yuan has
remained stable vis-à-vis the US dollar, and no devaluation is foreseen in the outlook, in
spite of the ongoing debate on whether the current tightly managed floating rate should be
relaxed somewhat.

9. …and the associated tendency to reduce the size of their trade surpluses somewhat.

10. In the first instance, the expected slowdown in some rapidly growing economies to
a more trend-like pace should prompt a parallel reduction in rates of increase in imports.
The extraordinary import demand of the United States, for example, which has expanded
at rates in excess of 10 per cent a year since 1997, is forecast to decelerate to an increase
of 4.5 per cent in 2001 as the pace of growth of the American economy moderates
significantly.

11. …to understand the determinants of investment is very essential for stipulation and
evaluation of macroeconomic stabilization policies and long-run development policies.

12. In the long run, both the quantity and quality of investment are very crucial for
determining the long-run growth path of an economy.

13. A panoply of factors has contributed to the current recovery in many crisis-affected
economies.

14. If inflation rates in some of these economies could be further reduced, nominal
interest rates could be brought down. The leeway for, on the whole, a more
accommodative monetary stance deserves to be especially carefully considered in
developing countries that have recently moved from a fixed exchange-rate regime to a
floating system.

15. The corporate reform has been delayed and the implementation has faced many
problems. Foot-dragging, leeway seeking and backtracking appear to have been prevalent.
Corporate bad debts often turned out to be much larger than earlier estimates. The
unresolved corporate bad debt in Indonesia was recently estimated at about $100 billion.

16. Monetary policies remained prudent in 2000 but more relaxed when compared to
1999.

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 Exercise 13

Look at the following sentences and cross out any unnecessary adjectives or adverbs:

1. Whenever I have met with you, I have expressed my earnest hope that a satisfactory
settlement of this case could be reached

2. For its part, the United Nations will continue to lend Atlantis all the assistance it can
through its various programmes and agencies

3. As you are aware, I am paying close, personal attention to the implementation of

General Assembly Resolution AB/XY

4. We must continue to urge the Utopian parties to demonstrate the requisite political
will to ensure the full and timely implementation of the Declaration

5. I am most grateful to His Excellency the Head of State for the warm greetings
conveyed in your letter. I am very much looking forward to meeting him again in the
capital early next month.

6. I am enclosing herewith the agenda for the meeting, along with some practical
information and a factual background paper prepared by the United Nations

7. These two documents were very largely the product of earlier negotiations in Geneva
and New York

8. The Council underlined the great importance of substantive progress towards a

comprehensive political settlement during the next round of negotiations so that the
Council might adequately consider the possible establishment of a considerable
peace-keeping force in Panland

Now that the authorities are in possession of this information, it is my strong conviction that
efforts to investigate and eradicate illegal armed groups should continue as a necessary
prerequisite for the firm consolidation of peace and democracy to Utopia

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 7. Vary sentence length

Paragraphs of sentences that are of uniform length become monotonous. A skilful writer varies the
length of the sentences, making important or summarizing points in the short sentences (under ten
words), expanding with details in longer sentences.

Look, for instance, at the following examples of short sentences between longer ones.

(a) Since the Congress was going to discuss matters of crucial importance to every country and the
world as a whole, she expressed her earnest hope that all States would be represented at the highest
level, at what was essentially a professional and technical gathering. Crime mocked frontiers. The
Congress had to transcend them, as well as national differences, in order to agree on, and even
more importantly, carry out, a common strategy to ensure effective international action against the
scourge of crime.

(b) .The legislation concerning money laundering was, in many cases, inadequate and required
considerable elaboration. In many countries, it was totally non-existent. With respect to the seizure
and forfeiture of the profits of drug trafficking, the view w as expressed that such funds should be
shared between the countries concerned.

Exercise 14

Following is the Conclusion to the Report of the Secretary-General on the Work of the
Organization, September 1993 (A/48/1). It contains 301 words, 14 sentences and 57 "hard" words,
and it has a Fog Index of 16.2.

1 Underline the short sentences (under ten words).

2 Also take note of several examples of short clauses: independent clauses divided by
semicolons rather than full stops.
3 What kind of sentence ends the report? Can you label the stylistic elements in this
sentence?

V. CONCLUSION: STRENGTHENING THE HUMAN FOUNDATION

510. This report has addressed an immense array of practical and urgent programmes and
measures designed to carry forward the purposes and principles of the Charter. Underlying thes e
practical efforts are broader endeavours, which warrant our commitment over the long term so that
we may construct a more enduringly just, and advancing global society.

511. A year ago, I stated that a new opportunity had presented itself, that fulfilment of the
Charter’s original promise was once again achievable. That opportunity has been grasped.
Responsibilities have been heaped upon the United Nations. The new activism has made it dear,
however, that new levels of political will and intellectual creativity must be attained if wider
engagement is to produce enduring achievement.

512. The events of the past 12 months should impress upon us the need for a new realism. The
United Nations, by undertaking a range of problems as wide as the globe itself, must be expec ted
to achieve successes but also to experience failure. The failures cannot be put to one side; they
require continuing commitment. And successes cannot be regarded as permanent; every pos itive
outcome is likely to be a starting-point for further effort. In a spirit of realism and new possibility,
a synthesis of heretofore opposing concepts is conceivable: the United Nations as the instrument of
the body of Member States, and the United Nations as more than the sum of its parts.

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513. Only international action that emerges from the crucible of debate and decision in the General
Assembly, the Security Council and the other organs of the United Nations carries with it the full
authority of the world community. The United Nations is now understood to be humanity’s best
hope in the pursuit of peace, development and human rights.

514. Dedicated to the integrity and development of each individual, drawing legitimacy from all
peoples, expressing the consensus of States, the United Nations Organization calls forth, through
its versatility and dedication to life's basic tasks, a greater potential than humanity has ever before
conceived possible.

Exercise 15
1. Reduce the following paragraph to its essentials. Make your sentences concise by avoiding
repetition, dividing long sentences and substituting long phrases with single words.

We are cognizant of the fact that one of our fundamental requirements for the determination of
programmes is to have the absolute agreement of the manifold ministries within Government. Once the
heretofore-mentioned agreement has been obtained, discussions can be held and optimum selection
criteria can be developed for the implementation of the programmes. Nevertheless, all due consideration
must be taken with respect to the implications on the respective workloads of the Government, our
Commission and other indigenous organizations and institutions. After a comprehensive and
coordinated evaluation of the various programme alternatives and possibilities, a written agreement in
the form of a Plan of Operations must be part and parcel of the decision-making process prior to actual
programme implementation.

Exercise 16
2. Rewrite the following sentences clearly.
I. It is noteworthy that most countries have processed and published the survey results without
much time lag.

2. A reduction of resources available to the environmental programme has caused delays in the
implementation of the work programme.

3. The programme has as its goal the development of a system of different but interrelated
classifications of economic activities and goods and services, forming together an integrated
system of classifications of activities and products.

4. It is the view of the Secretariat, therefore, that although there are many problems involved in the
ICP work, the number that can be attributed to deficiencies in the methodology itself is relatively
small.

5. There is, however, a danger inherent in excessive committee activity in that it can be time-
consuming and unproductive. Therefore, it has to be emphasized that, while formal discussions
have a necessary role, normal working contacts cannot be replaced by such discussions.

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 Week 4 – Unit 9: Editing and revising:
sentence-level concision
Answer key
Exercise 1
Some suggestions for revisions

1. To many observers, this continuation of strong productivity growth provides

additional evidence that there has been a shift in the trend of productivity growth
and that it is largely related to cumulative ICT.

To many observers, this continuation of strong productivity growth provides

additional evidence of a shift in productivity growth and that this is largely related
to cumulative ICT.

2. If there has been such a positive shift, the pace of expansion, at which demand and
supply match without exacerbating the pace of inflation, has been lifted to about
3.5 – 4 per cent, or at least one percentage point above the last two decades.

3. Furthermore, information technology (IT) should be regarded as a new factor of

production and added to other factors such as physical or human capital.

Exercise 2
Cross out any words in the following sentences that repeat ideas or wording.
1 Reporting to inter-governmental bodies should be done biennially instead of
annually because changes in this field occur slowly and therefore would be better
reflected through a two-year reporting cycle.
2 Heavy demands have been placed on the Section in recent years as a result of a
constantly growing workload, which has resulted primarily from quantitative
factors. In this regard, about three years ago only three of the five treaty bodies
now being serviced by the Section existed.
3 During the 1980 census decade, the provision of technical cooperation activities
were carried out in the following four main areas:
- technical advisory services through country, regional or interregional advisers;
- training through workshops, fellowships and study tours;
- funding for the purchase of equipment; and
- funding for selected local costs.
4 It is anticipated that the preliminary results of the study could be available to the
Commission at its twenty-fourth session.
5 Some services were provided for the planning of the project concerned, and others
for its implementation. In addition, some advisory services were concerned with
the follow-up activities of the completed projects.

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 Exercise 3
The rewritten paragraphs are divided into two or more sentences:
1. The letter contains a request by the Government of the Republic of Inlandia for
permission to draw from its assets sufficient funds to pay part of its assessed contributions
to the regular budget of the United Nations. These assets are frozen in United States banks
under the mandatory sanctions decreed by the Security Council.

2. I have the honour to transmit to you the text (in English and French) of a statement
by the Heads of State or Government of Aralia, Borland, Davistan, Jabilan, Koravia,
Mindiland, Talandia, Travibi, Vorania, and Zabistan. Representatives of these countries
participated in the Second Summit Meeting of the Economic Cooperation Organization,
which was held in Memphis, on 6-7 July 2002.

3. Unfortunately the Department has at present more staff members than posts to
accommodate them. This means that we cannot recommend recruitment of external
candidates, even when they are well qualified.

4. They do not make the choice according to the availability of domestic materials
and the state of the domestic markets, both of which are very small. Instead they choose,
according to their own particular background and experience:
- the possibility of acquiring technical know-how from abroad;
- the availability of labour and its potential for training to the level of skill
required;
- the source and cost of such imported material and spare parts as cannot be
made domestically; and
- the availability of a combined domestic and export market.

5. Even apart from the measures designed to bring about an improvement in the
management of farms, the considerable increases in the supply of fertilizers envisaged for
the forthcoming years seem certain to result in a substantial increase in output. In view of
the prevailing very low yields per hectare associated with extremely inadequate
applications of fertilizers to grain production, the steep rise in the supply of fertilizers may
enable the country to expand its agricultural production at significantly higher rates than
might be achieved by a more highly developed agriculture.

6. By its resolution XXX (2001) of 22 March 2001, the Security Council

extended UNXYZ's mandate until 30 June 2001. It has also requested me:
- to report to the Council at such time when conditions existed in Doralia for
the deployment of UNXYZ for purposes consistent with paragraph 5 of the
President's Peninsula Agreement (see S/BBBB);
- to make specific recommendations, taking into account circumstances at
the time of the report, on the composition of UNXYZ and the scope of its
activities within the overall personnel levels established in Security Council
resolution YYY (2000) of 23 September 2000.

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 Exercise 4

Suggested rewrite:
The members of the Security Council will recall that by its resolution MTO (2003) of
29 January 2003, the Security Council decided to extend the mandate of UNAVOX II for a
period of three months until 30 April 2003. However, it contained the proviso that, as a
provisional measure based on security considerations, the Secretary-General was authorized
to concentrate UNAVOX II deployment in Boanda, and at his discretion in other provincial
locations. Furthermore, he could retain the levels of equipment and personnel he deemed
appropriate in order to allow the subsequent expeditious redeployment of UNAVOX II as
soon as that became feasible. The UNAVOX II redeployment was with a view to the
resumption of its functions in accordance with the "Peace Accords" and previous resolutions
on this matter.

Exercise 5
Complete and efficient programming is dependent upon the amount and accuracy of data
available through governmental, non-governmental and other sources as well as observation.
Nevertheless, this report will take as given the understanding that some of the information
contained herein cannot be substantiated however credible the sources.

Exercise 6
FOG index of around 34!!

1 The Secretary-General was requested by the General Assembly to take all necessary
measures to ensure that an equitable balance was achieved between men and women
personnel in the staff. He was especially concerned to ensure equity in these senior decision-
making positions, whose incumbents are required to participate in formulating policy.

2 The ports are confronted with a situation in which the Council envisages that it will
be difficult to achieve a continuing net surplus. This prediction takes into account the
expected benefits from increased management and operating efficiency, disposal of out-of-
date assets and other measures. The difficult situation is as a result of:
-the ongoing development programme;
-the demands for improvement of facilities, coupled with the current high interest rates; and
-the reconstruction of manning structures, wages and terms of employment.

Exercise 7
1 In conclusion, either individual can do the job adequately.
2 We should seriously consider her proposal.
3 Since only a guide can include a visit to the Centre if the total stop takes no longer
than half an hour, Security has to guarantee quick access.
4 One person’s outstanding organizing abilities made this conference possible, as
was also true of the last one.

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 5 One can also observe a skewed sex ratio in countries where death toll on the
population from war or persecution is particularly high among men.
6 The same study of DHS data also found that more rural-to-urban migrant
women thought a larger family was ideal than native urban residents.
7 Flush toilets are common in only a few countries DHS surveyed, and in some
countries, especially in rural areas, they are virtually unknown.
8 One that philosophers call the ethical egoism and that emphasizes the
Maximization of one’s own good.
9 We plan to have regional training using the manual for later in 2000 at ECLAC
in Santiago, Chile.

Exercise 8
Both the USA and Canada register a very strong growth of international trade. However,
in spite of a rebound in exports, the large trade deficit has continued to grow in the United
States, as imports remain strong, supported by a strong dollar and increased foreign capital
inflows. The deficit will stay around 4 per cent of GDP in the next few years, posing
certain potential risks for an abrupt adjustment that could lead to significant negative
shocks to the world economy.

Exercise 9
AVOID “there + BE”, e.g. “there is” or “there was”
1 A wide spectrum of needs had to be met. The current crime picture underlined
the urgency of corrective action. The time for piecemeal remedies had passed.
Something drastic had to be done to change the situation so as to give the
United Nations crime programme its due and permit it to better fulfil its
potential in the service of Governments and the international community.
Different opinions existed as to how that could best be achieved.
2 It was pointed out that while the convention was a long-term goal, certain
immediate steps had to be taken. No dichotomy of convention versus
programme was thought to exist, since the convention would be an element of
the programme and a possible framework for it. Some discussion took place
on the type of convention to be formulated and how that process could be
carried forward.
3 Although the problem of crime was complex, it was deemed to be a danger and
a threat. But more had to be known about it, its extent or how it was being
addressed. No doubt drugs, terrorism, international fraud, environmental
offences, abuse of power and systematic use of repression were serious
problems. Without over-dramatizing the issue, which could lead to over-
reacting to it, an obligation to take crime seriously had to be recognized.
4 The United Nations had focused on four main areas of activity: the
improvement of international …….

Read the sentences below. The use of “there is/are/was/were” takes the focus away from
the real subjects of the sentences.

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 Exercise 10
Delete the “there + BE” and re-focus each sentence.

1. In the past, when Sterling begins to fall, tightening leading to further appreciation of
the pound and then the greater inflationary impulses in the future is a very real
problem.
2. Among the developing countries, unemployment in the crisis countries in 2001 and
2002 increased dramatically, with correspondingly smaller consequences in countries
less affected.
3. Two kinds of output are defined in economics and both of them are believed to be
related to investment through different ways.
4. To meet this demand (for gender statistics) a review of the organization and
programme of work is needed to include compilation and dissemination of statistics
which can be used to monitor resulting programmes.
5. In spite of continuous decline in the relative weight of the younger segments of the
population, children represent a large share of the population still in many parts of the
world. When considering individual countries, more than 40 per cent of the population
consists of children still in 66 of them, and in several of these, almost half of the
population, is under 15.

Exercise 11
1 why / as / since - In the example ‘As / Since no profits were reported …’
2 although - ‘Although the results ….’
3 if
4 when
5 about
6 must
7 can
8 may / might

Exercise 12

1 … is likely to undergo further robust economic expansion.

2 …. the economy of Italy is seen as remaining behind / remaining slow, due in
part from …
3 While Japan continues downwards / remains slow among the developed
countries, a cyclical recovery has been in progress.
4 rising but under control
5 are the most likely outcome.
6 weaker …..lower consumption / less money for consumption
7 combines
8 against … and no devaluation has been forecast ….relaxed.
9 … of their trade surpluses.
10 more even / more stable pace …….. moderates
11 essential …. long-term

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 12 crucial
13 range …..
14 The margin / latitude ……..carefully
15 Reticence to advance appears to have been prevalent / Slowness appears …
Corporate debts …corporate debt … at 100,000
16 less severe / loose

Exercise 13

Identify ones to be crossed out

9. Whenever I have met with you, I have expressed my earnest hope that a satisfactory
settlement of this case could be reached

10. For its part, the United Nations will continue to lend Atlantis all the assistance it can
through its various programmes and agencies

11. As you are aware, I am paying close, personal attention to the implementation of
General Assembly Resolution AB/XY

12. We must continue to urge the Utopian parties to demonstrate the requisite political
will to ensure the full and timely implementation of the Declaration

13. I am most grateful to His Excellency the Head of State for the warm greetings
conveyed in your letter. I am very much looking forward to meeting him again in the
capital early next month.

14. I am enclosing herewith the agenda for the meeting, along with some practical
information and a factual background paper prepared by the United Nations

15. These two documents were very largely the product of earlier negotiations in Geneva
and New York

16. The Council underlined the great importance of substantive progress towards a
comprehensive political settlement during the next round of negotiations so that the
Council might adequately consider the possible establishment of a considerable
peace-keeping force in Panland

17. Now that the authorities are in possession of this information, it is my strong
conviction that efforts to investigate and eradicate illegal armed groups should
continue as a necessary prerequisite for the firm consolidation of peace and
democracy to Utopia

Exercise 14
3. End of report:
Dedicated to ….., drawing legitimacy from … (participle clauses)
through its universality …. (prepositional clause)
the United Nations Organization calls forth …. a greater potential than … (main clause)

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 Exercise 15

2. Reduce the following paragraph to its essentials. Make your sentences concise by avoiding
repetition, dividing long sentences and substituting long phrases with single words.

One of our requirements for determining programmes is the agreement of ministries within
Government. Once the agreement has been obtained, discussions can be held and optimum
selection criteria developed for implementing the programmes. Nevertheless, consideration
must be taken with the workloads of the Government, our Commission and other indigenous
organizations and institutions. After an evaluation of the programme’s potential, a Plan of
Operations must be signed before the programme implementation. (199 words unedited)

One of our requirements for determining programmes is the agreement of ministries within
Government. Once the agreement has been obtained, discussions can be held and optimum
selection criteria developed for implementing the programmes. Nevertheless, consideration
must be taken with the workloads of the Government, our Commission and other indigenous
organizations and institutions. After an evaluation of the programme’s potential, a Plan of
Operations must be signed before implementing the programme. (71 words)

Exercise 16

2. Rewrite the following sentences clearly.

1. Most countries have published the survey results promptly

2. Reduced resources for the environmental programme have caused delays in implementing the
programme.

3. The programme's aim is to develop an integrated system to classify economic activities, services
and products.

4. The Secretariat therefore believes that few deficiencies in the ICP work are attributable to
methodology.

5. Excessive committee activity can be time-consuming and unproductive. Therefore, normal

working contacts cannot be replaced by formal discussions.

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UNIT 10
Editing for sentence-level errors
Week 5 – UNIT 10 - Editing for sentence-level errors Red
Flag
IV EDITING FOR SENTENCE-LEVEL ERRORS 162
A ERRORS TO AVOID 162
1 In sentence structure 162
(a) Dangling modifiers 162 8
(b) Incorrect word order 163
© Confusion between ‘that’ and ‘which’ 164
2 In word choice 165
(a) Overuse of gobbledygook, including jargon 165
Cliches and jargon 167
(b) Tone 168
(b) Mixed metaphors 171
3 In grammatical reference or agreement 172
(a) Unclear pronoun or other reference 172
(b) Agreement of number or subject/verb 173
B ERROR ANALYSIS QUIZ 174
A BUREAUCRAT’S GUIDE TO CHOCOLATE 176
CHIP COOKIES
ANSWER KEY 177

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A. ERRORS TO AVOID

Some sentence problems to avoid are also discussed in other units of this course. These are, among
others:

*faulty parallelism,
*overuse of there is/are,
*overuse of the passive voice,
*redundancy, and
*overuse of long phrases or difficult words.

In this unit we will practice correcting some common errors found in the more complex
sentences used in most reports. The errors illustrated here are errors in sentence structure, in w ord
choice and in grammatical reference and agreement. In all cases, United Nations editors have
recommended them for inclusion in this course.

1. In sentence structure

(a) Dangling modifiers

Dangling modifiers are usually -ing phrases at the

beginnings of sentences that do not have as their subject
the subject of the sentence.

Example: Working on the project for the past two years, the completion date is nearing.
What is the problem with this sentence?

The problem is that after starting with ‘working ..’ we expect a personal subject (e.g. I /
we), but instead we have a new topic of the completion date.

Can you correct it in two different ways without changing the meaning?

Correction
1 The completion date is nearing for the project we have been working on
2 Working on the project for two years, we realized the completion date is
nearing.

The initial modifier is less frequently an infinitive (to + verb) or a past participle.

3. To evaluate the programme, a statistical package will help us

Should be: To evaluate the programme, we need a statistical package.

4. Finished with the interim report, the final review was turned to by the expert.
Should be: Finished with the interim report, the expert turned to the final review.

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 Exercise 1

Correct the dangling modifiers in the following sentences, all taken from United Nations
documents.

1. In examining his argument closely, the point at which he went wrong can be seen.

2. In order to explain the point clearly, a great many examples and illustrations were used.

3. Having finished the research, it was up to them to draw a flow chart and write the logic in the
appropriate computer language.

4. The number of staff required for Cable billing could be reduced by 10 to 20 per cent by
installing personal computers with links to the IBM mainframe and by using existing commercial
software.

5. When distributing the documents, the same documents are sent to the same delegations over and
over again.

6. As explained in my Communication No. 11, dated 12 September 1993, there is a movement to

reduce expenses throughout the Organization.

7. After studying the curriculum vitae and having interviewed the candidates, my recommendation
is to hire the former for the following reasons:

8. After investigating and evaluating the products available in the market, the choices of systems
that will meet the requirements of Department ABG have been narrowed down to Systems A and
B.

b) Incorrect word order

The most common word order mistake is putting a modifier of some sort, often an adverbial,
between the VERB and its OBJECT:

Example: The report writer finished QUICKLY the report. (Incorrect)

The report writer finished the report quickly. (Correct)

Sometimes the ordering of adverbials after the main SVO (subject-verb-object) of the sentence
is incorrect. Common orderings are the following (though some others are also allowable):

SVO Place-Manner-Frequency-Time
SVO Manner-Place-Frequency-Time
Time, SVO Place-Manner-Frequency
Time, SVO Manner-Place-Frequency
S Frequency (if only one word) VO Place-Manner-Time

Examples of each adverbial:

Place: at home, on the freeway, in Nairobi, over there, next to the school...
Manner: with a companion, happily, voluntarily, under pressure...
Frequency: seldom, often, never, hardly ever, frequently, always...
Time: tomorrow, last year, in the next biennium, four months prior...

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 Exercise 2
Label P, M, F or T and correct any incorrect order.

1. Yesterday morning suddenly Headquarters requested from ECLAC a report on the budget.

2. The programme director started preparing immediately with the help of her assistant the report.

3. The programme director before noon finished writing her report in Santiago.

4. She right away to Headquarters faxed it.

5. The report arrived on the secretary’s desk at 2 p.m. somewhat smudged yesterday.

(c) Confusion between 'that' and 'which'

The question of whether to use "that" or "which" in a relative clause can be thought of in
several ways. Choose whichever one makes the most sense to you!

"THE GRAMMATICAL RULE WAY"

Use "which" to introduce a non-restrictive clause; use "that" to introduce a restrictive c laus e.
How do you tell if a clause is restrictive or not? A restrictive clause "restricts" or defines the noun
it comes after:

Examples: The report that I am writing now must be finished by Monday.

(this report and not any other.)

The person that you need to see is unavailable at this time.

(THIS person and not another one.)

A restrictive relative clause has NO COMMAS and begins with THAT whether it describes a thing
or a person.

On the other hand, a non-restrictive clause does not restrict or define the noun it follows -it
merely adds more descriptive information. The noun has already been defined:

*by being a proper noun;

*by having been defined earlier in the text; or

*by other modifiers that precede and thereby define it.

A non-restrictive clause has TWO COMMAS, one each side of the clause, and begins with
WHICH if it describes a thing, or WHO or WHOM if it describes a person.
Examples:

- "The Report of the Work of the Seventeenth Session;” which I am writing now , must be
finished by Monday.

- The Commission was requested to establish a pilot project to conduct simulation tests...
The pilot project, which has been delayed for several reasons, will begin in 2006.

- Luxury items like silk blouses, video cameras and croissants, which the representative
from CICISUA would like to include in the formulation of specifications, have not yet
been put on the list.

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THE "HOW IT SOUNDS" WAY

This works about 90 per cent of the time, especially if you are musically inclined. Say the
sentence to yourself with that and then with which. If you find that you want to pause, even for a
millisecond before the that/which, you probably need which. To double-check, put which and be
sure to put commas on each side. Now say the sentence, pausing clearly at each comma. If it
sounds right, it probably is. If it sounds a bit peculiar, replace with that and take out the c ommas .
When you read it, be sure NOT to pause. (This is not a very scientific method.)

The most common problem with WHICH and THAT is that WHICH is often used when it should
be THAT.

Exercise 3

In the following sentences decide on which or that and attendant punctuation.

1. The Advisory Committee on Post Adjustment Questions (ACPAQ) ___________ held its first
special session in October 1990_______ identified a number of questions to be studied further.

2. Items ____________ have not yet been included on the list ___ include fur coats, Volvos and
laptop computers.

3. Fruits and vegetables ________________are difficult to obtain in a duty station ____ should not
be considered standard items of consumption.

4. Cars _____________ are made for American and European markets ___cannot be compared
easily.

5. With regard to durable good, the representative of CCAQ, proposed that items
____________were easily identifiable in terms of make ______ should be priced.

6. The Commission decided that full place-to-place surveys ___________are now carried out once
every eight years _____ need to take place more frequently.

7. Staff participation in these surveys ________________has not been well coordinated of late
____ will improve if there are fruitful discussions between the secretariat, the administrations and
the staff

2 In word choice

(a) Overuse of gobbledygook, including jargon

Gobbledygook is language that confuses rather than clarifies. It can include jargon, which is
particularly prevalent in the reports of computer experts and some lawyers, but it can also inc lude
stuffy, pompous language. Which of the two following sentences do you prefer?

a. It is now incumbent on the United Nations to prioritize its tasks within the parameters of its
goal expectations.

b. The United Nations must turn to top-priority tasks to reach its goals.

Sadly, some managers thwart attempts at clear writing by their report writers by turning
straightforward sentences back into bureaucratese. Below is one example (from a memo propos ing
changes to the Annual Report of an Executive Director at the United Nations). (The manager
called himself 'we" in recommending the changes.)

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 Para 119 - We suggest that the sentence "It compared death rates among boys and girls in a
number of countries and examined the cultural, social and economic reasons w hy more girls
die in childhood than boys" be replaced with "Nationwide comparisons of sex differentials in
child mortality were prepared and cultural and socio-economic determinants of excess female
child mortality were reviewed".

Exercise 4
Big, pompous words often conceal familiar things. What, for instance, are these?

1. The edifice providing accommodation and service, both principal and ancillary, requisite for the
conduct and the overall administration and supervision of the operational activities of the United
Nations.

2. The conveyance providing vertical transportation to, from and within the maximal altitude
levels of the edifice above-mentioned.

3. A complex in which impulses generated by a magnetically preimprinted membrane are

delivered through an appropriate selection mechanism to positions at which they provide the audio
backstopping input within the framework of the linguistic improvement methodology of the
Training and Examinations Service.

4. The institutionalized arrangements for the acquisition by purchase, and consumption in situ, of
alimentary commodities.

Exercise 5
Streamline the following sentences by omitting or changing unnecessary words or phrases,
eliminating gobbledygook, using active voice and/or dividing sentences.

1. This report is just a summary of my major findings to let you know and be sure that we both
understand what will be the criteria we are going to use in setting up the upcoming study of needs
for Department X.

2. In the unusual event that we might want to make an adjustment to the totals for any reason on
the following day; the needed adjustment can be made by manually altering the figures.

3. During the course of the week, every available source has been utilized to locate the materials.

4. If the stock arrives without any identification as to whom it belongs to, it can involve quite a bit
of time in tracking it down.

Jargon is language that has special meaning within a particular discipline or to a c ertain group
of people who define the terms in the same way. In some cases, common w ords take on s pec ial
meanings, e.g., "The computer is down." "He threw a curve ball." In other cases, new terms or
combined from common words; some of these are made even harder for the layperson to
comprehend when they are turned into acronyms. For instance, the acronym CAFE c omes from
Corporate Average Fuel Economy, a jargon phrase meaningful to auto executives.

What are the dangers of using jargon? Jargon can be exclusionary and put the reader who is
not part of the inner circle on the defensive. She may feel intimidated by a text filled with jargon,
or she may feel antagonistic toward the writer and/or the topic, by extension. If you are writing to
an audience of mixed professionals, try to avoid jargon as much as possible, and provide a glossary
defining those words that are essential to the understanding of your text. One way to detect jargon
in your writing is to ask a fellow professional in another field to appraise your work hones tly and
to underline any words or terms he or she does not understand.

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CLICHES AND JARGON

Exercise 6
Change the following sentences in order to eliminate the underlined clichés and jargon:

1. As you know, the freezing of assets of the Federal Republic of Translavia was decreed by
the Security Council

2. Too often, development issues are viewed from the standpoint of an environment assumed
to be peaceful.

3. I stated my belief that the world's major economic powers could help Africa turn the
corner toward progress

4. The United Nations, for its part, will spare no effort in providing the necessary assistance

5. We fully appreciate, and share, your concern about the continued detention of these
elected representatives. You may rest assured that, in the dialogue which the Secretariat
has just initiated with the Government of Myanmar, we will do our utmost to persuade the
SLORC to respond to the repeated calls by the international community for their release

6. As the subject matter of the above communications falls within the exclusive domain of
the Security Council, the Secretary-General transmitted to the President of the Counc il on
29 April 2002, the text of your Minister's letter.

7. It goes without saying that our peacemaking efforts will have a better chance of succeeding if
supported by a comprehensive and well-balanced development

8. With a view to leaving no stone unturned before reporting to the Security Council at the end of
October, I wrote to both leaders on 10 October 2002, informing them that I had reques ted my
Deputy Special Representative to invite them to join him for a number of informal
consultations at his residence with a view to exploring in a concrete manner ways in which
progress might be made both in respect of the implementation of the confidence-building
measures and in the long-contemplated overall settlement of the Trojan problem

Exercise 7
Change the underlined verb/noun combinations to simple verbs and change the underlined clichés:

1. Beyond the immediate issue of unclear inspections, it is my strong view that the two sides
should be encouraged to continue on the path of dialogue.

2. The Secretary-General has weighed the possibility of using his good offices with a view to
contributing to a solution to the crisis. However, after consultations on this matter, he
came to the conclusion that such an effort would not be the most effective course to pursue
at this stage.

3. The Secretary-General attaches great importance to the establishment of serious

discussions between the Government and the various ethnic groups as well as with the
democratic opposition in Gotaland.

4. From 27 May to 29 May 2002 1 made a visit to Kalakstan in connection with the preparations
for the second round of Inter-Kalak talks on national reconciliation to be held in Teheran later
this month.

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5. It is my intention, subject to the approval of the Security Council, to appoint Lieutenant
General Bakam of Maladia to succeed General Bar as Force Commander.

6. In the light of the failure of the Salatian military authorities to fulfil their obligations under the
Tropic Island Agreement and to comply with relevant Security Council resolutions, the
Security Council adopted resolution LJY (2002) on 6 May 2002 imposing additional sanctions
against Salafia.

(b) Tone

The following is a list of polite expressions:

REQUESTS

I would be grateful if you could ...

I would appreciate it if you could...
I would appreciate your -ing ...
It would be appreciated if you could ...
Would you please ...
Would you be so kind as to ...
You are kindly requested to ...
Please...

SUGGESTIONS (for an alternative course of action)

Perhaps you could...

You might...
You could...
One possibility might be to ...
It might be a good idea to...
I would possibly suggest that...
I might suggest that ...

(Contrast these expressions, which have a peremptory tone:

You should... You have to ...

You must... You are required to...

It is necessary for you to ... "Imperatives")

ENCLOSURES

Please find attached ...

Enclosed, please find, ...
We are pleased to enclose ...

DRAWING ATTENTION

Please note that ...

Please be advised that ...
I would like to point out that ...
May I point out that...
We would like to inform you that ...
We wish to advise you that ...
We are pleased to inform you that...

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ENDINGS

Your assistance in this matter would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you once again for your assistance.
We hope that you will find this information useful.
Thank you in advance for your attention to this matter.
We look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.
Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

Exercise 8
In these sentences reword the phrases underlined so that they sound less direct and thus
more tactful:

1. Before I report to the Secretary-General, I wish to receive your views on the implementation and
an estimate of savings.

2. We want you to designate an official in the Recruitment and Placement Division who could
function as a focal point between our two departments.

3. It is necessary for you to obtain ESCAP's concurrence to the extension of assignment.

4. I would like you to authorize the transfer of the balance to UNQXK Assessed Contributions
Account No. 345-6789.

5. You are required to forward, at your early convenience, the list of personnel that will constitute
the engineering service. As a necessary reference provide the name of the person who is in charge
of the service and his telephone number.

6. Send us your advice on availability and confirmation of your lowest possible prices on the
items listed.

Exercise 9
In these sentences reword the phrases underlined so that they sound less direct and thus
more tactful:

1. Balodi's request for family visit travel cannot be approved at this stage.

2. Inform the staff member that he has now been regularized on headquarters’ payroll.

3. We want UNABC's assistance in recruiting Sanders for one year.

4. We need your advice so we may effect necessary personnel action.

5. UNOG's cooperation and assistance are required.

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 Exercise 10

Here are some quotes from a senior official to the Ambassador of Batavia
responding to some requests from the Ambassador's government. Rewrite the
phrases underlined so that they do not sound so blunt.

1. We agree to reimbursement of your military personnel at "UN standard rates".

2. Although you mentioned a maximum daily strength of 700 for the purpose of reimbursement,
the average daily strength of the Batavian contingent must not exceed the UN authorized limit of
600 personnel.

3. Resupply flights are not reimbursable. Therefore, we do not agree to specific reimbursement for
"a maximum of 12" C130 resupply flights.

4. Batavia refers to "an additional LOA to cover vehicle painting, vehicle spares, container hire
and miscellaneous spares". Vehicle painting and container hire are a national responsibility.
Vehicle and miscellaneous spares are covered by the provisions of the guidelines and are provided
for under an LOA.

Exercise 11
The language of notes verbales and formal letters tends to be rather indirect. Change the
phrases underlined to a more indirect style:

1. The Secretariat wants you to ask the Malavian Government to make available, at no cost to the
United Nations, a team of up to twelve specialists with a background in contracts administration.
The Secretariat further requires that the officers be provided for a minimum period of six months.

2. The Secretariat of the United Nations sends its greetings to the Republic of Boralia and wants
to request the provision of a military officer to assist the Field Administration and Logistics
Division of the Department of Peace-keeping Operations in the area of claim settlement.

3. The Secretary-General of the United Nations sends his best regards to the Kingdom of
Morania. With reference to resolution AB/CD ...

4. The Secretary-General of the United Nations would like to receive the views of your
Government on this matter.

5. The Secretary-General would like you to tell him the names of the members of the delegation
of your Government who will attend the meetings.

6. The Secretary-General would like to thank your government again for its support of
peacekeeping.

7. Please note in particular paragraphs 1, 2 and 3 of resolution XYZ (2000).

8. This information should be sent no later than 15 July 2003.

9. Would your Government like to attend the Seminar?

10. Would the Uralian government re-purchase $6 million worth of military spares, which were
recently shipped out of Somalia? If not, then would they sell the spares to a third party?

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 Exercise 12

Rewrite the following sentences in language appropriate to the type of correspondence

indicated:

1. Tell me what you think about it. (colloquial)

email:

memorandum:

letter/report:

note verbale:

2. Send it immediately. (colloquial)

memorandum:

letter/report:

note verbale:

3. Thanks for your help with peace-keeping. (colloquial)

email: memorandum:

letter/report:

note verbale:

(c) Mixed metaphors

Language is permeated with metaphors, many of which make abstract concepts vivid and
alive. Metaphors used in reports usually replace an abstract idea with a particular picture, helping
the reader visualize the abstraction. It is important, however, not to mix metaphors or to use
conflicting metaphors.

Example:

The welfare state has been working as a safety net for those who have fallen through other
institutions. Some people have slipped through even this safety net. Others have got stuck in
the net. It has not worked as a trampoline equipping people with resources to enable them to
climb back to society.

What are the metaphors?

Welfare state as ‘a safety net’
Welfare state (not) as ‘a trampoline’

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 Exercise 13
Can you locate the mixed or just misused metaphors in these sentences by...

1. An economist: Sections of the population are being squeezed flat by inflation.

2. An academic: The field of American sociology has the distinction of always having immersed
itself in concrete solutions.

3. An enthusiastic scientist: A virgin field has been discovered, one that is pregnant with
possibilities.

4. A commander in the field: Thanks to a windfall of heavy tankers...

5. A budget analyst: Flexibility is one of the corner stones of programme budgeting.

6. A civil engineer: The road from X to Y has not yet got off the ground.

7. An administrator: The pool of staff can also be used as a cushion.

8. The military commander again: We now have 137 pairs of combat boots on our hands.
(Examples from The Complete Plain Words, by Sir Ernest Gower.)

3. In grammatical reference or agreement

(a) Unclear pronoun or other reference

In report writing, the use of the pronouns it and they to refer back is, of course, common. One
must simply be careful that there is always a clear referent for the pronoun. Sometimes it helps to
streamline a sentence to eliminate the pronoun altogether. Other times, adjusting the paragraph to
be sure there is only one possible referent, e.g., only one plural noun to which they could refer,
makes everything clear. When in doubt, repeat the noun rather than using the pronoun.

The same problem can occur with the demonstratives this and that, particularly the former. Be
absolutely sure that you know what the word this refers to. One way of solving the problem is
never to use this alone but always to use it in conjunction with a noun.

Example: For many reasons, the programme is undergoing a review at the present time and
we should all be aware that there may have to be a budget cut. This could cause a problem.

(Which could cause a problem? The review? The potential budget cut? The whole situation?)

Possible revision: This budget cut could cause a problem.

Exercise 14
The sentences in this exercise come from a short report about improving the writing quality of
reports in one of the United Nations organizations. Unfortunately, the report itself has many
grammatical errors, particularly in unclear reference and subject-verb agreement! Can you loc ate
and correct the reference problems below?

1. In some cases, the reports had serious substantive shortcomings or general poor writing quality.
Rectification consumed considerable time for both the Programme Officer and the Editor. In some
instances, this has led to misunderstandings as extensive re-writing or writing of new sections/text
involve research and...

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2. Since the latest figures (and percentages) on the interregional programme obtained from the
Finance Branch will be utilised, we did not verify the figures/percentages, which vary from those
indicated in our original draft. We therefore assume that these are the correct figures.

(b) Agreement of number or subject/verb

In sentences in which the main verb is some form of the verb TO BE (is, are, was , w ere, has
been, etc.) be sure that the SUBJECT and the SUBJECT COMPLEMENT are both plural or both
singular. Avoid having a plural = a singular.

Example Can you correct this sentence? First locate the subject, verb and subject complement.

Together with the United Nations New Agenda for the Development of Africa (UN-
NADAF), policies for achieving regional and sub-regional economic cooperation is
and will be one of the dominant themes for the near future.

Example
Subject: policies for achieving regional and sub-regional economic cooperation
Verb: is and will be
SC: one of the dominant themes for the near future
Change to:
Verb: are and will be

Exercise 15
Correct the subject-verb errors in these sentences, which are also taken from the report mentioned
in the previous exercise.

1. Experience shows that due to the travel duties and the heavy workload of the programme
officers, the turnaround time in these instances tend to be prolonged.

2. For the instances when the editor require assistance from the Geographical Division or a team
leader, a quicker response time will help greatly.

3. The review process needs to be adapted to this new situation.

4. Except for the remaining English language reports for which the Editorial Board is still
convened, the review of the French language reports are invariably through the designated reader
route.

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 Exercise 16
B. ERROR ANALYSIS QUIZ

This "quiz" contains examples of many kinds of sentence errors, most of which have been
practiced in this course. See if you can both correct the sentence and, if possible, name or describe
the kind of mistake made. All examples have been taken from United Nations reports or
assignments written by participants in this course.

Find and correct the following kinds of mistakes in these sentences:

word order dangling modifier

count/ noncount nouns verb tense
singular subject = plural object or v.v. fragment or run-on sentence
wordiness or redundancy mixed metaphor
overly formal language faulty parallelism
incorrect which or that unclear reference

1. The system of Apartheid played for many years a crucial role in the economic
development of South Africa.

2. After delineating the various tasks covered by the three subprogrammes of the programme
of work, and highlighting the most important results achieved, including the development of
criminal justice data bases and the United Nations crime and justice information network. The
importance of technical cooperation activities was stressed.

3. In setting up the help desk, limits must be set in respect of the type of service to be provided.

4. One possible source of objective information is the literature and journals on new software
systems and their management.

5. In ---(date) ---, the Unit of Home Education of the Ministry of Agriculture and Lives toc k
through its rural extension programme, initiated, with UNFPA assistance the project "Women's
Role in Rural Development.”

6. UNICEF should support efforts to encourage parents to care for their children thems elves
at least until age three by helping them to advocate for this issue. This could be done by providing
them with the appropriate information about the benefits of raising children at home.

7. These systems are considered old in terms of their age and technology and hence our office has
made it a policy to replace these equipments with personal computers.

8. I found the evaluation report objective, good quality and well written.

9. The Disbursement Section made 64 credits. There are errors not only because the advance
recovery was not recorded but also in the incorrect amount of the advances recovered.

10. More than before, population issues have become in most African countries a legitimate con-
cern expressed in national policies and in all relevant international fora.

11. To make the addressing scheme completely transparent to the Wordperfect users, all remote
users' names must appear in the directory.

12. For your perusal, I'm submitting herewith my report regarding my attendance at the recent
GUIDE conference.

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13. Awareness of up-to-date computer techniques, available software resources and training
opportunities continues to be a problem in developing countries. Too often the intention to keep
abreast of these issues falls victim to the pressures of work and the scarcity of funds.

14. The project in Uganda has begun over ten years ago and is ongoing.

15. The government proposal which is endorsed by the director of the programme today, is the one
concerning new population policies being implemented in the next biennium.

16. The fact that one expansion slot is taken up by the installation can be taken as a negative if
there is a need for many add on cards. In general, however, this is not the case.

A BUREAUCRAT'S GUIDE TO CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES

This cookie recipe of food writer Susan Russ originally ran in the Washington Post.

Total lead time: 35 minutes

Inputs:
1 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup shortening
2 eggs
1 1/2 teaspoon vanilla
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
12-ounce package semisweet chocolate pieces
1 cup chopped walnuts or pecans

After procurement actions, de-containerise inputs. Perform measurement tasks on a c as e-by-

case basis. In a mixing-type bowl, impact heavily on brown sugar, granulated sugar, softened
butter and shortening. Coordinate the interface of eggs and vanilla, avoiding an overrun scenario to
the best of your skills.

At this point in time, leverage flour, baking soda and salt into a bowl and aggregate. Equalize
with prior mixture and develop intense and continuous liaison among inputs until well coordinated.
Associate key chocolate and nut subsystems and execute stirring operations.

Within this time frame, take action to prepare the heating environment for throughput by
manually setting the oven-baking unit to a temperature of 375 degrees Fahrenheit (190 degrees
Celsius). Drop mixture in an ongoing fashion from a teaspoon implement onto an ungreased
cookie sheet at intervals sufficient enough apart to permit total and permanent separation of
throughputs to a maximum extent practicable.

Position cookie sheet in a bake situation and surveil for eight to ten minutes or until cookie
action terminates. Initiate coordination of outputs within the cooking rack function. Containerize,
wrap in red tape and disseminate to authorized staff personnel on a timely and expeditious basis.

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 Week 5 – Unit 10: Editing for sentence-level
errors
Answer key
Exercise 1

Dangling modifiers
1 In examining his argument closely, we can see at which point he went wrong.
2 A great many examples and illustrations were used in order to explain the point
clearly.
3 Having finished the research, they then had to draw up a flow chart and write
the logic in the appropriate computer language.
4 The number of staff required for Cable billing could be reduced by 10 to 20 per
cent if personal computers with existing commercial software were installed
with links to the IBM mainframe.
5 The same documents are distributed to the same delegations over and over
again.
6 As I explained in my Communication No 11, dated 12 September 1993, there is
a movement to reduce expenses throughout the Organization.
7 Having studied the curriculum vitae and having interviewed the candidates, I
would recommend hiring the former for the following reasons:
8 After investigating and evaluating products available in the market, we have
narrowed down the choices of systems that will meet the requirements of
Department ABC to Systems A and B.

Exercise 2
1 Headquarters requested from ECLAC a report on the budget (SVO) suddenly (M)
yesterday morning (T) = (SVO, M, T)
2 The programme manager started preparing the report (SVO) with the help of her
assistant (M) immediately (T). = (SVO, M, T)
3 The programme director finished writing her report (SVO) in Santiago (P) before
noon (T). = (SVO, P, T)
4 She faxed it (SVO) to Headquarters (P) right away (T).
5 The report arrived (SV) somewhat smudged (M) on the secretary’s desk (P)
yesterday (T).

Exercise 3
1 The Advisory Committee on Post Adjustment Questions (ACPAQ), which
held its first special session in October 1990, identified a number of
questions to be studied further.
2 Items that have not yet been included on the list include fur coats, Volvos
and laptop computers.

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 3 Fruits and vegetables that are difficult to obtain in a duty station should not
be considered standard items of consumption.
4 Cars that are made for American and European markets cannot be
compared easily.
5 With regard to durable goods, the representative proposed that items that
were easily identifiable in terms of make should be priced.
6 The Commission decided that full place-to-place surveys, which are now
carried out once every eight years, need to take place more frequently.
7 Staff participation in these surveys, which has not been well coordinated of
late, will improve if there are fruitful discussions between the secretariat,
the administrations and the staff.

Exercise 4
1 The Palais (the edifice = building, requisite = is necessary)
2 Lift / elevator
3 Cassette recorder / language laboratory
4 Cafeteria

Exercise 5
1 This report is a summary of my major findings concerning the criteria we are
going to use for the upcoming study of needs for Department X.
2 We can manually alter the totals on the following day, should the need arise.
3 We have tried to find the materials all week.
4 Unidentified stock takes time to track down OR It takes time to track down the
owner of unidentified stock.

Exercise 6
1. The freezing of assets of the Federal Republic of Translavia was decreed by the
Security Council
2. Too often, development issues are viewed from an environment assumed to be
peaceful
3. The world's major economic powers could help Africa progress
4. The United Nations, for its part, will provide the necessary assistance
5. The Secretariat has just initiated dialogue with the Government of Myanmar about
the continued detention of these elected representatives, to persuade the SLORC to
respond to the repeated calls by the international community for their release
6. As the above communications concern the Security Council, the Secretary-General
transmitted to the President of the Council on 29 April 2002, the text of your
Minister's letter
7. Our peacemaking efforts will have a better chance of succeeding if supported by a
comprehensive and well-balanced development
8. Before reporting to the Security Council at the end of October, I wrote to both leaders
on 10 October 2002, informing them that I had requested my Deputy Special
Representative to invite them to join him for a number of informal consultations at his
residence to explore ways in which progress might be made both in the
implementation of the confidence-building measures and in the long-contemplated
overall settlement of the Trojan problem

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 Exercise 7
1. Beyond the immediate issue of nuclear inspections, I believe that the two sides should
be encouraged to continue on the path of dialogue.
2. The Secretary-General has considered using his good offices to contribute to a
solution to the crisis. However, after consultations on this matter, he decided /
concluded that such an effort would not be the most effective course to pursue at this
stage.
3. The Secretary-General believes it is very important to establish serious discussions
between the Government and the various ethnic groups as well as with the democratic
opposition in Gotaland.
4. From 27 May to 29 May 2002 I visited Kalakstan for the preparations for the second
round of Inter-Kalak talks on national reconciliation to be held in Teheran later this
month.
5. Subject to the approval of the Security Council, I intend to appoint Lieutenant
General Bakam of Maladia to succeed General Bar as Force Commander.
6. Because the Salatian military authorities failed to fulfil their obligations under the
Tropic Island Agreement and to comply with relevant Security Council resolutions,
the Security Council adopted resolution LJY (2002) on 6 May 2002 imposing
additional sanctions against Salatia.

Exercise 8
1. Before I report to the Secretary-General, I should be grateful to receive your views
on the implementation and an estimate of savings.
2. We would appreciate your designating an official in the Recruitment and
Placement Division who could function as a focal point between our two departments.
3. It would be appreciated if you could obtain ESCAP's concurrence to the extension
of assignment.
4. I would greatly appreciate it if you could authorize the transfer of the balance to
UNQXR Assessed Contributions Account No. 345-6789.
5. You are kindly requested to forward, at your early convenience, the list of
personnel that will constitute the engineering service. As a necessary reference please
provide the name of the person in charge of the service and his telephone number.
6. We would appreciate receiving your advice on availability and confirmation of
your lowest possible prices on the items listed

Exercise 9
Suggested rewrites with a softer tone are as follows:
1. We regret that Balodi's request for family visit travel cannot be approved at this
stage.
2. We would appreciate your informing the staff member that he has now been
regularized on headquarters payroll.
3. I would greatly appreciate UNOG's assistance in recruiting Ms. Sanders for one
year.
4. I would be grateful for your advice so we may effect necessary personnel action.
5. UNOG's cooperation and assistance would be very much appreciated

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 Exercise 10
Suggested rewrites with a softer tone are as follows (N.B. abbreviations have been
rewritten in full):
1. We are pleased to inform you that we agree to reimbursement of your military
personnel at "United Nations standard rates".
2. Although you mentioned a maximum daily strength of 700 for the purpose of
reimbursement, I regret to inform you that the average daily strength of the Batavian
contingent should not exceed the United Nations authorized limit of 600 personnel.
3. Unfortunately, resupply flights are not reimbursable. Therefore, I regret that we
cannot agree to specific reimbursement for "a maximum of 12" C130 resupply flights.
4. Batavia refers to "an additional LOA to cover vehicle painting, vehicle spares,
container hire and miscellaneous spares". Please be advised that vehicle painting and
container hire are a national responsibility, while vehicle and miscellaneous spares are
covered by the provisions of the guidelines and are provided for under a LOA?

Exercise 11
The phrases written in a more indirect style would read:
1. The Secretariat seeks your assistance in enquiring of the Malavian Government's
willingness to make available, at no cost to the United Nations, a team of up to twelve
specialists with a background in contracts administration. The Secretariat further requests
that the officers be provided for a minimum period of six months.
2. The Secretariat of the United Nations presents its compliments to the Permanent
Mission of the Republic of Boralia to the United Nations and has the honour to request the
provision of a military officer to assist the Field Administration and Logistics Division of
the Department of Peace-keeping Operations in the area of claim settlement.
3. The Secretary-General of the United Nations presents his compliments to the
Permanent Representative of the Kingdom of Morania to the United Nations and has the
honour to refer to resolution AB/CD ...
4. The Secretary-General of the United Nations would appreciate it if he could
receive the views of His Excellency's Government on this matter.
5. The Secretary-General would be grateful if the Permanent Representative would
inform him of the names of the members of the delegation of Her Excellency's
Government who will attend the meetings.
6. The Secretary-General takes this opportunity to express once again his
appreciation to Her Excellency's Government for the cooperation and support it has given
to the Secretariat in its recent initiatives in peacekeeping operations.
7. The Secretary-General has the honour to draw the particular attention of His
Excellency's Government to paragraphs 1, 2 and 3 of resolution XYZ (2000).
8. It would be appreciated if this information could be submitted no later than 15 July
2003.
9. The Secretary-General has the honour to invite Her Excellency's Government to
participate in the Seminar.
10. It would be greatly appreciated if the Uralian government could give due
consideration to re-purchasing $6 million worth of military spares which were recently
shipped out of Somalia. Should a purchase not be possible, then possibly the Uralian
government would be pre-disposed to a sale of the spares to a third party.

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 Exercise 12
Suggested rewrites with varying tones are as follows:

1. Tell me what you think about it. (colloquial)

Email:
What do you think about this?

memorandum:
Would you please inform me of your views on this subject?

Letter/report:
I would appreciate it if you could inform me of your views on the matter.

note verbale:
The Secretary-General would be grateful if His Excellency could communicate to
him the views of his Government on the matter.

2. Send it immediately. (colloquial)

Email:
Please send the information asap

memorandum
Would you please send the information as soon as possible?

letter/report:
I would appreciate receiving the information as soon as possible.

formal letter:
I should be most grateful if you could forward the information as soon as possible.

note verbale:
The Secretary-General would be most grateful if His Excellency's Government
could forward the information as soon as possible.

3. Thanks for your help with peacekeeping. (colloquial)

Email:
Thanks for your help with peacekeeping

memorandum:
We would like to thank you for your assistance in the peacekeeping operations.

letter/report:
We wish to thank you for your Government's participation in the peacekeeping
operations of the United Nations.

formal letter:
In closing, allow me to express once again our sincere appreciation of your
Government's continued support for the peacekeeping operations of the United Nations.

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note verbale:
The Secretary-General would like to express once again his sincere appreciation of
Her Excellency's Government's continued support for the peacekeeping operations of the
United Nations.

Exercise 13
1 ‘squeezed flat’
2 ‘concrete solutions’
3 ‘virgin field’ ‘pregnant with’
4 ‘windfall’
5 ‘one of the corner-stones’
6 ‘got off the ground’
7 ‘pool of staff’ ‘as a cushion’
8 ‘on our hands’

Exercise 14
1 In some cases, the reports had serious substantive shortcomings or general poor
writing quality. Rectification consumed considerable time for both the
Programme Officer and the Editor. In some instances, this rectification
process has led to misunderstandings as extensive re-writing or writing of new
sections/text involve research and ….
2 Since the latest figures (and percentages) on the interregional programme
obtained from the Finance Branch will be utilised, we did not verify the
figures/percentages, which vary from those indicated in our original draft. We
therefore assume that these latest figures are the correct ones.

Exercise 15
1 the turnaround time in these instances tends to be prolonged.
2 …. when the editor requires assistance ….
3 The review process needs to be adapted to take account of this new situation.
4 …. the review of the French language reports is invariably …..

Exercise 16
ERROR ANALYSIS QUIZ

1 For many years, the system of Apartheid played a crucial role in the economic
development of South Africa. (word order, wordiness)
2 After delineating the various tasks covered by the three subprogrammes of the
programme of work, and highlighting the most important results achieved,
including the development of criminal justice data bases and the United
Nations crime and justice information network,. the programme leader stressed
tThe importance of technical cooperation activities was stressed. (activities is
plural) dangling modifiers, redundancies, sentence fragment, active / passive

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 3 In setting up the help desk, limits must be set in respect of the type of service to
be provided. (redundancy, overly formal,) Help desks must set limits in the
type of service provided.
4 One possible source of objective information are is the literature and journals
on new software systems and their management. (redundancy, agreement)
5 In 1986, the Unit of Home Education of the Ministry of Agriculture and
Livestock through its rural extension programme, initiated, with UNFPA
assistance, the project ‘Women’s Role in Rural Development’ through its rural
extension programme. (word order)
6 UNICEF should support efforts to encourage parents to care for their children
themselves at least until age three by helping them to advocate for this
issuesupport (what issue?). This support could be done by providing them with
the appropriate information about the benefits of raising children at home.
(unclear reference)
7 These systems are considered old in terms of their age and technology and
hence our office has made it a policy to replace these equipments with personal
computers. (overformal – active / passive) Our office has made it a policy to
replace old out-of-date equipment with personal computers.
8 I found the evaluation report objective, of good quality and well
written.(parallelism)
9 The Disbursement Section made 64 credits. There are errors not only because
the advance recovery was not recorded but also because the advance recovery
amounts were incorrect. in the incorrect amount of the advances
recovered.(Parallelism)
10 More than before, population issues in most African countries have become in
most African countries a legitimate concern expressed in national policies and
in all relevant international for a. (redundancy, word order)
11 To make the addressing scheme completely transparent to the Wordperfect
users, all Rremote users’ names must appear in the directory to make the
addressing scheme clear to the Wordperfect users,. (formal language, modifier)
12 For your perusal, I’m submitting herewith my report regarding my attendance
at the recent GUIDE conference for your perusal. OR Please find attached (or
herewith) my report regarding my attendance at the recent GUIDE conference.
(very formal language, wrong word order).
13 Awareness of up-to-date computer techniques, available software resources and
training opportunities continues to be a problem in developing countries. Too
often the intention to keep abreast of these issues falls victim to the pressures
of work and the scarcity of funds. (metaphor and unclear subject in sentence 2.
In sentence 1, ‘continues’ is OK because ‘awareness of’ is singular, but
sentence 1 is not very clear either. Active / passive) One problem in
developing countries is people being aware of up-to-date computer techniques,
available software resources and training opportunities. Too often, these
people are unable to keep abreast of these issues because of pressures of work
and the scarcity of funds.
14 The project in Uganda has begun over ten years ago and is ongoing. (wrong
tense and redundancies) The project in Uganda has been in progress for over
ten years.
15 The government proposal, which is endorsed by the director of the programme
today, is the one concerningconcerns new population policies being
implemented in the next biennium.(seems overly wordy)

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 16 The fact that one expansion slot is taken up by the installation can be taken as a
negative if there is a need for many add on cards. In general, however, this is
not the case. (unclear reference - Use of passive) If there is a need for many
add on cards when the installation takes up one expansion slot, this can be
taken as a negative. However, in general, there is no need for many add on
cards. (if this is what is meant!)

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UNIT 11
Revising; editing and proofreading; format
rules

Week 6 – UNIT 11 - Revising; editing and proofreading; format rules

V THE CHECKLIST 186
A REVISING 186
1 Readers 186
2 Purpose 187
3 Organization 187
(a) Overall organization 187
(b) Paragraph organization 187
4 Format 187
5 Logic 188
B EDITING AND PROOFREADING 188
1 Editing your own text 188
(a) Word choice/terminology 189
(b) Sentence style 189
2 Proofreading techniques 189
Punctuation 190
3 A United Nation’s editor’s comments 192
(a) Grammatical problems 192
(b) Word choice problems 193
© Other word-level problems 193
(d) Errors in references to resolutions; footnotes; 194
references
(e) Format rules revisited 194
C FORMAT RULES 196
1 Headings in Reports of the Secretary-General 196
2 Identification of paragraphs and subparagraphs 197
ANSWER KEY 199

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V. REVISING AND EDITING: THE CHECKLIST

A. REVISING

When checking over the draft of a report that you or a colleague has prepared, keep in mind
questions regarding reader, purpose, organization, format, and logic of arguments. Revising is a
recurring process. One should not wait until the report is almost prepared to begin this process, but
rather keep up a regular stream of drafts, each a refinement on the one before. The questions in this
checklist are a preliminary set of broad questions to which you should add your own.

1. Reader (s)

-Is there more than one reader? How will this affect the report?

-What kinds of knowledge do the readers have that will help or hinder them in understanding the
message?

-Is the tone appropriate for the intended reader(s)?

-Will the reader(s) understand all the acronyms and jargon?

-Do all the readers know the background to the report? How much should be spelled out in this
report, and how much alluded to or referenced?

Some report writing tasks...

Generating ideas through questions

Questioning works well to generate ideas and to narrow the focus of a topic. The questions should
push the writer more and more into a topic. This inward movement can be achieved by building
questions on previous answers. The questions should be phrased either to probe or to seek
clarification.

Discovering and controlling focus

 Read the first sentence and decide what it leads the reader to expect. A good topic sentence not
only tells the reader what the paragraph is going to be about but also suggests the kind of
support that will follow.
• If the first sentence does not offer that information, continue reading until you can identify the
topic sentence. Remember...the topic sentence (in most cases) should be stated as early and as
directly as possible.
• Read the whole paragraph and answer the following two questions.
(1) Does the rest of the paragraph fulfill the expectation set up in the topic sentence?
(2) Is every sentence closely and directly related to the main idea?
• If the topic is buried or never stated, write a new topic sentence.
• If there is more than one topic introduced, determine if one should be left out.
• If there are sentences that are not related to the topic, remove them from the paragraph and
decide if they could be used in other paragraphs.

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• Use subordination to show the reader how ideas are connected.
• Choose a paragraph from a report that you are working on or have written. Highlight all of the
jargon in the paragraph. Then rewrite the paragraph using language that a non-specialist would
understand instead of the j argon.
 Check if you have succeeded in eliminating the jargon and improving the readability of the
passage by giving it to a classmate to read.

3. Purpose

-Is the real communicative purpose of the report stated in the summary or the introduction?

-Do the divisions of the report make sense in light of the stated purpose?

-Does the writer stick to the stated purpose throughout the report?

-Will this report succeed in achieving the purpose?

3. Organization
(a) Overall organization

-Does the outline show a clear and rational division of the whole report?
-Are the items under each heading and subheading of the outline both semantically and
syntactically parallel?
-Is there evidence of the movement of an argument rather
than merely a listing of items?
- Have lengthy historical background sections been
deleted?
-If there is a mandate, is it correctly stated and then adhered to throughout the report?
-Is there sufficient evidence within the report to justify the conclusions/recommendations?

(b) Paragraph organization

-Does each paragraph read smoothly and intelligibly?

-Are there any very long paragraphs that should be divided?

-Conversely, should several one-sentence paragraphs be combined under one topic sentence?

-Would transition words (e.g. however, therefore, also, indeed, etc.) help the reader move from
one paragraph to the next?

-Could a section of a paragraph be put into a parallel list that would make reading easier?

-Does each paragraph follow a clear organizational pattern (e.g. comparison/contrast, def-
matron, cause/effect, etc.) or combination of patterns?

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 4. Format

-Does the report have headings, and if so, are they appropriately narrowed to help the reader focus
on the specifics?

-Have standard formats (e.g. for ECOSOC or for General Assembly reports) been followed?

-Are footnotes placed correctly in the text?

-Do the notes at the end contain all the information required for each kind of document?

Rating the report

Check your report for the following:

1) Does the introduction contain all the required information outlined below:
Is the purpose of the report clear to the reader?
Is the mandate for writing the report indicated?
Do we know whether or not the report is part of a series?
Are the paragraphs numbered?
Do the title and subtitle have appropriate centering and capitalization?
Is the content appropriate to the introduction of a report?

2) Given the purpose and theme of this report, is it appropriate to provide a 'background' section?

3) How is the writing style of the report? Do the sentences flow clearly and logically from one
another? Are there any sentences or word phrasings that you particularly like or dislike?

4) Do you spot any technical problems (grammar, spelling, word choice, 'UN writing convention'
errors)?

5) Are all paragraphs and subparagraphs appropriately numbered/or lettered with appropriate
spacing and indentation?

5. Logic

- Are the arguments clear and reasonable?

-Is there enough valid evidence to back up conclusions and recommendations?

-Have facts been checked by an unbiased person?

-Is the text internally consistent (despite, perhaps, multiple authors)?

-Are there any fallacies in reasoning?

-Have counter-arguments been dealt with reasonably?

B. EDITING AND PROOFREADING

1. Editing your own text

Editing involves careful reading of the text to be sure the sentences are coherent and the text its elf
cohesive. It is at this stage that typical errors can be located and corrected, sentences can be joined
or separated as needed, and the text as a whole can be tightened up. Do not send your report on to

Principles of Report Writing: Module 2 Editing and revising 24/04/2021 183

the United Nations editor expecting him or her to do major editorial revisions. Make the text as
well written as you can before you send it off. These questions should help alert you to problems
in the writing.

(a) Word choice/terminology

-Has the writer used too many nominalizations (nouns and norm combinations, such as 'serve
to make reductions' or 'give an indication of') instead of verbs (reduce, indicate)?

-Has the writer made his/her sentences too fatty with wordy expressions (such as 'it is the
opinion of the director' for 'the director believes', or 'due to the fact that' for because')?

-Are there too many needless modifiers (e.g. 'extremely', 'substantially ’ 'clearly', 'essentially')?

-If the reader is not familiar with specialized terms, will she be able to understand the acronyms
and jargon sufficiently to get what she needs from the report?

-Is there any gobbledygook or jargon to be cleaned up?

(b) Sentence style

-Do the sentences average about 20 words or less?

-Are the sentences in active voice?

-Are they free from grammatical errors in the following:

-parallelism

-modification (misplaced or dangling)

-pronoun or demonstrative (this/that) reference

-subject-verb agreement

-word order

-count/non-count nouns (e.g. putting an 's' on information) -punctuation or spelling errors

2 Proofreading techniques

For reader, purpose, organization and overall tone:

*Two-reader technique: Have a colleague read your report to you out loud.

-Pretend you are the person receiving the report and listen to how it sounds.

-Have your colleague stop after the second paragraph, and ask him/her to tell you the
communicative purpose of your report.

-At the end of the report, or at the end of each section, ask your colleague to recap.

(You can also ask your colleague to read the report to him/herself and summarize to you every
page as s/he goes along.)

Principles of Report Writing: Module 2 Editing and revising 24/04/2021 184

For sentence style or for errors in grammar, punctuation or spelling:

*Reading "backwards": If the report has short paragraphs, begin with the last one and read it
fast, checking for errors. Then go to the next-to-last and continue on, paragraph by paragraph,
from the end to the beginning. If the paragraphs themselves are quite long, follow the same
procedure going sentence by sentence from the end. This technique frees you from getting
involved in the text itself and makes it easier for you to see small errors.

*Reading for only one kind of mistake: What are your most common mistakes? Parallelis m
errors? Spelling? Wordiness? Chances are you only have a few types. So do a separate read -
through for each type of error. You might combine this with the reading "backwards"
technique.

PUNCTUATION

Exercise 1
In the following examples the commas have been omitted. Put in the commas s o that the
rules are dearly illustrated.

(a) Use commas to set off:

Direct speech

The Secretary-General said "The United Nations will do its utmost to assist
Doralia in achieving a just and lasting peace."

Question tags

You wish to receive the reimbursement in traveller's cheques don't you?

Interjections

Yes that is correct.

Vocatives

Accept Excellency the assurances of my highest consideration.

Transition words

On the other hand if the Ruritanians were interested in maintaining a presence in

the Middle East, the aircraft could replace our present AN-24.

We wish however to emphasize the following points.

Opinion phrases

In our view the two sides should meet as soon as possible.

Phrases in apposition

Mr. Medili Director of the Field Administration and Logistics Division will be our
representative on the group.

Principles of Report Writing: Module 2 Editing and revising 24/04/2021 185

Non-restrictive adjective clauses

We feel this will allow us to implement an integrated staffing system which can be
streamlined and automated.

The UNXYZ Administration has informed us that Ms. Gift Tuludun who is
scheduled to complete her assignment on 5 July 2004 has requested annual leave.

(N.B. In contrast - restrictive adjective clauses

We would like to thank you for your support in pursuing a process that will
strengthen DPKO's ability to support the civilian personnel requirements of its field
missions.)

The refugees who fled the area last month are the ones most in need of assistance.

Non-restrictive participle phrases

After receiving the data we requested we will be able to finish the report.

Once completed the report will be submitted without delay.

Adverbial clauses and phrases

As you can see Doralia proposes to maintain a reduced OGE.

To enable prompt settlement please indicate the requisition and Letter of Assist
number.

Since UNGAMIP's budget has already been completed we will look into ways to
provide the most urgent requirements.

Generalizing expressions (e.g. in brief, in fact, in general, above all, on the whole)

In general we can say the mission has been successful.

Introductory words and phrases

Unfortunately we cannot reimburse you for the amounts you requested.

Further to your memorandum of 18 April 2002 on third party insurance it is

requested that our certification be revised.

Between a series of like words

We welcome the opportunity to assume responsibility for new functions in the

area of recruitment selection grading and appointment.

We need to create a stable secure and peaceful environment.

We have achieved peace harmony security and stability.

Before the conjunctions "and", "but", "for" and "or"

As you are aware, the delegation did not take effect at that time and so we did not

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 pursue the matter with you further.

The military part of the operation has generally been successful but there have
been some difficulties.

Exercise 2
Put commas where necessary in the following formal letter:

Madam
On behalf of the Secretary-General I have the honour to thank your government for its
assistance in facilitating a safe and timely withdrawal of UNABCD personnel and equipment from
Grandland.
In order to assist the United Nations further it would be greatly appreciated if the Uralian
government could give due consideration to repurchasing $6 million worth of military spares
which were recently shipped out of Grandland. These items were used to service AH-1S attack
helicopters OH-58 reconnaissance helicopters and M60 tanks in UNABCD II. This equipment has
now been returned to your government and consequently the spares are of no further use to the
United Nations. Should a purchase not be possible then possibly the Uralian government would be
pre-disposed to a sale of the spares to a third party and then the funds received could be used to
offset payment for other services provided to the United Nations.
If Uralia is not in a position to re-purchase or sell these items the United Nations will be
left with two alternatives. Firstly an attempt could be made to sell the spares to a third party
leaving the United Nations open to criticism as having entered into a sale of military equipment or
the Organization could destroy the items with the commensurate financial implications and then
leave both Uralia and the United Nations open to criticism for sustaining such a loss.

Accept Madam the assurances of my highest consideration.

3. A United Nations editor's comments

Editors at the United Nations have a very difficult job to do. As well as having more pages to edit
each year, they have to deal with the problem of incomprehensible texts. In setting up this cours e,
we have had the help and advice of a number of editors in different parts of the United Nations
system. You are well advised to check with the editors of your documents for advic e about how
you or members of your department can improve your writing. To give you an example, the
following are the common problems in reports noted by a former UNOV senior editor, who s pent
nearly thirty years working in text revision.

(a) Grammatical problems

1. Long strings of nouns These are often very difficult for readers, particularly translators, to
untangle.

2. Misuse of prepositions.

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3. No distinction made between defining and non-defining relative clauses. Some writers seem to
think that "which" sounds more profound than "that". Also, one of the commas in non-defining
clauses is often omitted. Example: "The organization, which has been the most helpful, is UNIDO"
should be "The organization that has been the most helpful is UNIDO”'

4. Omission of definite article before a noun followed by 'of': University of Delaware, Board of
Regents.

5. Misuse of articles in general (a/an/the)

6. Mixing up the gerund and the infinitive forms of the verb

7. Problems with reported speech See the section in the Editorial Manual, pp. 394-396.
Remember that any report or collection of replies to questionnaires should be written in the past
tense, even when there is no direct indication that reporting is involved (e.g. The FRG reported
that a new Act had been incorporated into the legislation ... in ---(date)---. In Japan, legislation on
the subject had already been introduced...(even though the words "reported, noted, indic ated" are
not used in the second.

(b). Word choice problems She cites the following, with her comments:

Youth Probably has a technical use in academic circles, but often "young people" would be more
appropriate.

Field Cannot always be avoided, but can often be dropped (e.g. 'data in the juvenile justice field'
can become 'data on juvenile justice').

Appropriate Over-used (to take inappropriate steps is an unlikely intention, even if they do turn
out that way).

Indicate Often used instead of 'said', 'reported', etc.

Initiate "Work had been initiated" instead of "Work had begun:'

Concerned We often find "the concerned organizations" instead of "the organizations concerned",
which is probably what is meant.

Perform "They will perform an evaluation" instead of "make an evaluation" or simply "evaluate".

Process "They have begun the process of developing" instead of "They have begun to develop."

This It is often not clear what “this" refers to (e.g. "Mistakes have been made but efforts are
underway to rectify them. This is an area in which..". N.B. "This ” in our texts can often be better
rendered by "such", e.g. "Students are granted access to the files. This is contingent upon..:” -
"Such access is contingent upon..:” would be better.

Occurred "Implementation has occurred" instead of " X has been implemented."

Response Very often used when reply is meant.

(c) Other word-level problems

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1. Redundancies "A penalty did not have to be imposed unless it was absolutely necessary."
[Link] It has its place in professional publications, but not in our reports.
3. Euphemisms Don't use "resource constraints" for lack of funds.

(d) Errors in references to resolutions; footnotes; references

1. Incomplete information re: resolutions In one example she mentions, the writer states, The
General Assembly, in its resolution --, requested a compendium of..:'. Then, several paragraphs
later, we read, "In accordance with ECOSOC resolution..., a draft compendium will be
submitted...". The ECOSOC resolution had not been mentioned previously. She went back and
inserted this sentence: “In ECOSOC resolution..., the Secretary-General was requested to submit a
draft of the compendium referred to in General Assembly resolution... The present doc ument has
been drafted in response to that request:'

2. Paraphrasing of General Assembly resolutions Avoid doing this! Abbreviate a bit perhaps, but
don't completely rewrite, and don't misquote the resolution.

3. Incorrect wording when referring to G.A. resolutions A resolution does not "say.” Use "The
General Assembly, in its Resolution , declared/urged/recommended/..:”

4. References to sources that are not easily available These should be avoided for the sake of those
reading the translation. On the other hand, anything connected with the United Nations system
must be referenced.

5. Incomplete references Please provide the entire reference, following the format in the Editorial
Manual. Don't forget the place of publication.

6. Too many or too few references Don't put a reference in every sentence. Facts that are general
knowledge do not need a reference. On the other hand, all facts and statistics that are not known to
the average educated person must be referenced. In particular, facts that are in dispute or that c an
be seen as politically charged need very careful referencing, perhaps with several reputable
sources.

7. Writer translation of a document or book title If it was not translated into English, put the
reference in the language in which it originally appeared. Don’t do your own translation.
Particularly be careful about this problem when quoting from an ECLAC document.

8. Staff members mentioned by name Against the rules. Use his/her title or say "a representative
of X department".

9. Attribution of authorship incorrect Even in non-official documents be sure to follow the most
recent editorial directives.

10. 'op. cit.’ error Remember when using op. cit. to include the author's name. See T he E ditorial
Manual for rules.

11. Unattached background material Provide all material that will be needed by the editors, e.g.
background material on resolutions and previous reports, etc.

12. Single-spaced submission Please submit all reports for editing double-spaced.

(e) Format rules revisited

Organizing a report to fit the purpose using appropriate headings and subheadings

• Revisiting headings and subheadings

Principles of Report Writing: Module 2 Editing and revising 24/04/2021 189

 Any paper intended for study or reference gains from the use of topical headings marking
logical divisions of the subject. In English, the heading should not be treated as part of the text.
The text should be complete in itself and the headings should serve only as an editorial device to
indicate the structure of the text...

Topical headings should indicate concisely the subject discussed in the text that follows.
They are usually nouns or phrases built about nouns. Headings and subheadings should be
balanced in structure; for example, interrogative headings should not be interspersed among noun
phrases. Moreover, a subheading should not repeat the wording of a heading.

(The United Nations Editorial Manual, Article E2.)

Headings and subheadings guide the reader through the pages of a report. In shorter
reports that have well-established formats and readers familiar with those report types, general
category headings can work well. In long reports, more specified headings should be used.

How long should a heading be? There is no rule. Sometimes writers are overly concerned
about the length of their headings and lop off words to "tighten" them up. In the attempt to make
the headings briefer, important words are often lost.

Headings should not only "fit" tightly with the texts that follow, they should also "fit" with
each other. Think about parallelism of both form and content: headings at the same level of
generality should ideally be parallel.

For your quick reference, the system of identification of headings and subheadings from
The United Nations Editorial Manual is outlined below.

Part One

TITLE OF PART CENTERED

I. CHAPTER HEADING CENTERED

A. First-degree subheading, centered and underlined

1. Second-degree subheading, centered and underlined

(a) Third-degree subheading, at margin and underlined

(i) Fourth-degree subheading, indented five spaces and underlined

a. Fifth-degree subheading, indented ten spaces and underlined

i. Sixth-degree subheading, indented fifteen spaces and underlined

(The United Nations Editorial Manual, Article E2.)

Exercise 3
Read through the headings and subheadings of a report in progress. Do headings and
subheadings that are similarly identified have equal weight? Are they expressed in parallel
structures? Does there seem to be an internal logic connecting the subheadings?
If not, can you recommend some changes by rewording some headings or subheadings?

Principles of Report Writing: Module 2 Editing and revising 24/04/2021 190

Topic and purpose: Economic transition in the Democratic People's Republic of Bula Bula and its
prospect: Is Bula Bula finally coming out of its hermit state?

1. Introduction

2. Economic crisis and policy responses in the past decade

A. Output contraction and severe structural imbalances

B. Main causes

C. The shift in external policy and the limited domestic reform

3. Gaining momentum in economic exchange and cooperation with the Republic of Bula Bula: a
way out of its current economic impasse and a road to unification

A. The historical summit agreement between the two Bula Bulas

B. Implications of their economic integration

i) Inter-Bula Bulan trade

ii) Special economic zone (SEZ) as a main instrument for economic

cooperation

C. Obstacles to economic cooperation (or conditions for success)

4. New strategies of the President of Bula Bula: Will he touch on the fundamental reform?

5. Conclusion and prospect

C. FORMAT RULES

1. Headings in Reports of the Secretary-General

Chapter headings should normally be capitalized and identified by roman numerals; section
headings should be underlined and identified by capital letters; subsections should be underlined
and identified by Arabic numerals. It is usually unnecessary to have farther subheadings, but if the
nature of the text is such that they would serve a useful purpose, they may be identified by the
series (a), (b), (c) etc.; (i), (ii), (iii) etc., and they are underlined.

Exercise 4
Correction of format errors

1. Here is an example from the fourth chapter of a report. Can you correct it for format? Consider:

* Capitalization and/or underling

* Centred or left-margin
* Capitalization of first letter within the heading
* Roman numeral, letter, number...?
* Format changes at different levels of generality

Principles of Report Writing: Module 2 Editing and revising 24/04/2021 191

 IV. Detailed Findings and Recommendations

1. Administrative and Financial matters

A. Cash Management

(i) Shortcomings in Reconciliation of Bank Accounts

2. Now correct the errors in these headings from the second chapter of another report:

II. REVIEW OF THE RECURILENT PUBLICATIONS OF THE

XYZ OFFICE OF THE UNITED NATIONS

a. Production practices in relation to recurrent office publications

1. General compendia

(a) Monthly Bulletin of Statistics

Important considerations in designing a questionnaire

2. Identification of paragraphs and subparagraphs

According to the Correspondence Manual, concerning indention, the first line of all paragraphs,
whether numbered or not, should be indented five spaces in typescript. The use of hyphens or
bullets to mark subparagraphs should be avoided. Items in a simple list do not need any
punctuation.

Subparagraphs should be identified in the following way:

First degree: (a), (b), (c) etc ....

Second degree: (i), (ii), (iii) etc ....

Third degree: a., b., c. etc ....

Fourth degree: i., ii., iii. etc.

When a subparagraph depends on an introductory phrase, all but the last paragraph s hould be
followed by a semicolon, even if there is a full stop in the middle of the subparagraph. The final
subparagraph should be followed by a full stop.

Example:

1) …………………….;
a) …………………………….;
b) ……………………………….;
i)……………………….;
ii)………………………….;

a…………………………………;
b. …………………………………..

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 Exercise 5

Rewrite the following paragraph with subparagraphs using correct United Nations format for
numbering, indention, punctuation and capitalization.

According to the project document the project had to provide technical assistance to the
Government to achieve

- a Central Planning Agency organizationally linked with both regional planning

institutions and planning units of sectoral ministries

- a technical and managerial capability at the Central planning Agency to

- prepare timely annual plans as instruments for implementing in the Five-year

Development Plan

- prepare annual Public Sector Investment Programmes (PSIP).

Principles of Report Writing: Module 2 Editing and revising 24/04/2021 193

 WEEK 6 – Unit 11 – Revising; editing and
proofreading; format rules
Answer key

Exercise 1
Commas, shown in parentheses, should be placed as follows:

(a) Use commas to set off:

Direct speech

The Secretary-General said(,) "The United Nations will do its utmost to assist
Doralia in achieving a just and lasting peace."

Question tags

You wish to receive the reimbursement in traveller's cheques(,) don't you?

Interjections

Yes(,) that is correct.

Vocatives

Accept(,) Excellency(,) the assurances of my highest consideration.

Transition words

On the other hand(,) if the Ruritanians were interested in maintaining a presence in

the Middle East, the aircraft could replace our present AN-24.

We wish(,) however(,) to emphasize the following points.

Opinion phrases

In our view(,) the two sides should meet as soon as possible.

Phrases in apposition

Mr. Medili(,) Director of the Field Administration and Logistics Division(,) will be
our representative on the group.

Non-restrictive adjective clauses

Principles of Report Writing: Module 2 Editing and revising 24/04/2021 194

 We feel this will allow us to implement an integrated staffing system(,) which can
be streamlined and automated.

The UNPROFOR Administration has informed us that Ms. Giri Tuludun(,) who is
scheduled to complete her assignment on 5 July 2004(,) has requested annual
leave.

(N.B. In contrast - restrictive adjective clauses with no commas

We would like to thank you for your support in pursuing a process that will
strengthen DPKO's ability to support the civilian personnel requirements of its
field missions.)

The refugees who fled the area last month are the ones most in need of assistance.

Non-restrictive participle phrases

After receiving the data we requested(,) we will be able to finish the report.

Once completed(,) the report will be submitted without delay.

Adverbial clauses and phrases

As you can see(,) Doralia proposes to maintain a reduced OGE.

To enable prompt settlement(,) please indicate the requisition and Letter of Assist
number.

Since UNGAMIP's budget has already been completed(,) we will look into ways to
provide the most urgent requirements.

Generalizing expressions (e.g. in brief, in fact, in general, above all, on the whole)

In general(,) we can say the mission has been successful.

Introductory words and phrases

Unfortunately(,) we cannot reimburse you for the amounts you requested.

Further to your memorandum of 18 April 2002 on third party insurance(,) it is
requested that our certification be revised.

(b) And use commas:

Between a series of like words

Principles of Report Writing: Module 2 Editing and revising 24/04/2021 195

 We welcome the opportunity to assume responsibility for new functions in the area
of recruitment(,) selection(,) grading and appointment.

We need to create a stable(,) secure and peaceful environment.

We have achieved peace(,) harmony(,) security and stability.

Before the conjunctions "and", "but", "for" and "or"

As you are aware, the delegation did not take effect at that time(,) and so we did
not pursue the matter with you further.

The military part of the operation has generally been successful(,) but there have
been some difficulties.

Exercise 2

Commas, shown in parentheses, should be placed as follows:

Madam (,)
On behalf of the Secretary-General (,) I have the honour to thank your government
for its assistance in facilitating a safe and timely withdrawal of UNABCD personnel and
equipment from Grandland.
In order to assist the United Nations further (,) it would be greatly appreciated if
the Uralian government could give due consideration to repurchasing $6 million worth of
military spares which were recently shipped out of Grandland. These items were used to
service AH-1S attack helicopters (,) OH-58 reconnaissance helicopters and M60 tanks in
UNABCD II. This equipment has now been returned to your government (,) and
consequently (,) the spares are of no further use to the United Nations. Should a purchase
not be possible (,) then possibly the Uralian government would be pre-disposed to a sale of
the spares to a third party (,) and then the funds received could be used to offset payment
for other services provided to the United Nations.
If Uralia is not in a position to re-purchase or sell these items (,) the United Nations
will be left with two alternatives. Firstly (,) an attempt could be made to sell the spares to
a third party (,) leaving the United Nations open to criticism as having entered into a sale
of military equipment (,) or the Organization could destroy the items (,) with the
commensurate financial implications (,) and then leave both Uralia and the United Nations
open to criticism for sustaining such a loss.
Accept (,) Madam (,) the assurances of my highest consideration.

Principles of Report Writing: Module 2 Editing and revising 24/04/2021 196

 Exercise 3

1. The following is the correct format for a fourth chapter heading with subheadings:

IV. DETAILED FINDINGS AND RECOMMENDATIONS

A. Administrative and financial matters

1. Cash management

(a) Shortcomings in reconciliation of bank accounts

2. Similarly, the correct format for a second chapter heading with subheadings is as follows:

II. REVIEW OF THE RECURRENT PUBLICATIONS OF THE

XYZ OFFICE OF THE UNITED NATIONS

2 A. Production practices in relation to recurrent office publications

1. General compendia

(a) Monthly Bulletin of Statistics

Exercise 4

ECONOMIC TRANSITION IN THE DEMOCRATIC PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF BULA

BULA AND ITS PROSPECT: IS BULA BULA FINALLY COMING OUT OF ITS
HERMIT STATE?

I. INTRODUCTION

II. ECONOMIC CRISIS AND POLICY RESPONSES IN THE PAST DECADE

A. Output contraction and severe structural imbalances

B. Main causes

C. Shift in external policy and limited domestic reform

III. GAIN IN MOMENTUM IN ECONOMIC EXCHANGE AND COOPERATION

WITH THE REPUBLIC OF BULA BULA: A WAY OUT OF ITS CURRENT
ECONOMIC IMPASSE AND A ROAD TO UNIFICATION

A. Historical summit agreement between the two Bula Bulas

B. Implications of their economic integration

Principles of Report Writing: Module 2 Editing and revising 24/04/2021 197

 1 Inter-Bula Bulan trade

2 Special economic zone (SEZ) as a main instrument for economic

cooperation

C. Obstacles to economic cooperation (or conditions for success)

IV. NEW STRATEGIES OF THE PRESIDENT OF BULA BULA: WILL HE

TOUCH ON THE FUNDAMENTAL
REFORM?

V. CONCLUSION AND PROSPECT

Exercise 5

The correct United Nations format for indention, punctuation, capitalization and identific ation
of paragraphs is:

3. According to the Project document, the project had to provide technical assistance to the
Government to achieve:

(a) A Central Planning Agency organizationally linked with both regional planning
institutions and planning units of sectoral ministries;

(b) A technical and managerial capability at the Central Planning Agency to:

(i) Prepare timely annual plans as instruments for implementing in the Five Year
Development Plan;

(ii) Prepare annual Public Sector Investment Programmes (PSIP).

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