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MODULE EIGHT : TOPIC 1

BEYOND NETWORKING

Transcript

Developing
Your Inner
Circle

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Developing Your Inner Circle

For the last few months, I’ve been working hard on a new talk I’ll be giving at
conferences about networking.

As I wrote and rehearsed the speech, I constantly sought out the social capital
to make it a reality: the people I trusted to give me feedback, the recommendations
I wanted to offer, the emotional stance I wanted to convey, the relationship I
wanted to create with the audience, and so on.

In the process, I found myself turning to a handful of close relationships time

and again for insight, guidance and introductions. Those people include my
business partners, my girlfriend, my performance coach, my two best friends,
and a handful of entrepreneurs, artists and speakers I really trust and admire.

Those five to 10 people make up my inner circle: a trusted cohort of people

who share my values, interests, and love for social capital.

That inner circle is the core of my network, and my first step in turning the
world into people, as we discussed in Module 4. Before I cast a wide net seeking
out the resources I needed to give a great talk, I looked to the handful of
dominant relationships I know I can rely on to deliver the most immediate,
valuable social capital available. Those people add to my life, just as I add to
theirs, and help me understand what social capital I still need to meet my goals.
That’s when I can turn to my broad network, and seek it out.

As we’ve studied the best networkers, we’ve consistently found that they each
have an insanely powerful inner circle, in addition to a vibrant larger network
of relationships. Without fail, they mentioned that inner circle as one of their
greatest competitive advantages.

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So what is it about having an inner circle that’s so valuable?

There’s a great quote that says: “Be careful who you call your friends. I'd
rather have four quarters than 100 pennies.”

That saying sums up the value of an inner circle.

When it comes to your relationships, depth will always be more important

than breadth. Ten solid relationships driven by deep, authentic social capital
will pay way more dividends than a couple hundred acquaintances, even for
the best networkers.

At a certain point in your networking, you’ll naturally start to concentrate

the majority of your resources in a smaller circle of people -- people who
reciprocate your social capital, who share your goals and values, and who
mirror your personal style. For the same reason that we tend to bond closely
with a handful of friends or settle down with one serious partner at a time,
you’ll naturally invest most of your social capital in a smaller group of people.
Ultimately, that will deliver more value and meaning than spreading your
value indiscriminately across your broad network.

That inner circle then becomes a huge asset. You start walking through life
with an army of social capitalists ready to mobilize in your interest at any
moment. As you and your inner circle continue to invest in your individual
networks, you’ll tend to get most of your introductions, knowledge and emotional
support through this core group. Imagine knowing 5-10 superconnectors who
all have your back and are invested in your success, and you can imagine why
having a strong inner circle is so powerful.

That, in turn, helps elevate our personal and emotional lives. As we know,
building relationships with people who truly believe in us creates optimism,
confidence and accountability, which are essential ingredients for success. Your
inner circle becomes like a personal board of advisors following you from one
opportunity to another, just as you do for them.

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The world will also value you for your inner circle. Just as you see the world
as people, the world sees you as people too. The best networkers find ways to
bring their inner circle into their professional and personal lives, and make
them part of their value proposition wherever they go. Imagine walking into
a job interview knowing you bring the full power of your inner circle to the
role -- a source of clients, feedback, and introductions. The candidate with
that direct line to social capital has a major advantage over the average networker.

But before we delve into how to develop your inner circle, let’s
answer a question you probably have right about now.

On the one hand, we’ve been saying that you should meet as many people as
possible, because you have to constantly refresh your social capital with new
relationships. On the other hand, we’re saying that you should focus your
social capital on a handful of people. So which is it?

The answer is both.

Having an inner circle doesn’t mean you stop meeting new people. It simply
means that you prioritize your social capital and invest most heavily in the
relationships that mean the most to you.

While you maintain your inner circle, you will still want to grow and maintain
your broad network. Those relationships are still key, and will create tons of
social capital outside of your inner circle.

Your inner circle will also change over time. Relationships evolve. You evolve.
As your personal and professional interests change, the people you include
in your inner circle will change too. Refreshing your inner circle requires you
to be meeting new people all the time.

Also keep in mind that there isn’t a clear line between you r inner circle and

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your broad network. You will have tons of great relationships that fall somewhere
between the two. So don’t get too hung up on labels here; you don’t need to
categorize everyone you know like your MySpace Top 8. Instead, think of
your inner circle as a loose framework to understand who in your network
deserves your social capital the most.

Now let’s talk about how to develop an inner circle.

Like a personal brand, your inner circle will develop whether you consciously
cultivate it or not.

As you share your social capital, your network will naturally organize itself
into a more intimate circle of friends and a broader circle of contacts. For
one thing, you’ll naturally connect with certain people, and certain people
will naturally connect with you. Once you cross a certain threshold of social
capital in those relationships, you’ll feel the relationship take on a deeper
significance. You’ll no longer be doing the networking dance, like asking for
permission to make an introduction or booking time to pick someone’s brain.
Your entire relationship will be an ongoing value exchange where the usual
give and take breaks down, and you will un-self-consciously be sharing social
capital in both directions. That’s the sign that someone has entered your inner
circle.

As that tribe develops, it’ll become more close-knit, and reinforce itself. When
you invest social capital in people, and they respond and reciprocate, your
inner circle will grow clearer and deeper.

But there’s also some deliberate cultivation involved here, since you can
decide, to some degree, whom you want to include in your inner circle. You
might look around at some of the people in your network and think: I’d like
to make these people trusted friends and partners. You can then focus your
social capital on them to proactively deepen those relationships. If the social
capital is mutual, then that person will start to move into your inner circle,

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and you will move into theirs.

Bringing someone into your inner circle doesn’t necessarily require a conversation,
although it certainly can. It’s usually an implicit understanding, like the way
you became best friends with someone in elementary school. But if there’s an
organic opportunity to discuss your relationship, it can be meaningful to tell
someone that you take them seriously. Telling someone that you’re on their
team -- if you really mean it, of course -- can massively amplify your social
capital. Why? Because it’s a promise of people and knowledge, wrapped in an
expression of emotional support. Afterward, it’s on you to live up to that
promise.

So the question isn’t whether you have dominant relationships, but how
meaningful those dominant relationships become. If we’re going to have an
inner circle either way, we might as well strive to make those connections as
valuable as they can be.

And the moment your inner circle starts to form, you’ll notice that it requires
a slightly different kind of maintenance.

The reason we want to think strategically about your inner circle is

that this group requires a higher degree of social capital than the
rest of your tribe.
The maintenance habits from Module 5 will help you maintain these rela-
tionships, but for an inner circle to deepen and flourish, you’ll want to
commit to them even harder in your closest relationships.

So let’s revisit those key habits, and see how they apply uniquely to inner
circle relationships.

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Starting with the habit of making regular introductions.

Introductions for your inner circle are similar to a typical introduction, but
will involve more consistency, care and specificity.

For starters, making an introduction for someone in your inner circle will
almost always be guaranteed. We aren’t obligated to make introductions for
our broad network, but we will generally want to make them for people in our
inner circle. That means proactively making introductions you think your
inner circle needs, and fulfilling their requests for introductions in a timely
manner. It also means that you won’t have to do the double opt-in introduction,
because people in your inner circle will have already opted in to your social
capital. (Of course, you might still want to get an opt-in from the other party,
if that person isn’t in your inner circle.)

An inner circle introduction will also be more tailored to the needs of both
parties. Whether they’re proactive or responsive, these introductions will clearly
articulate why you’re connecting these two people, and how you imagine the
introduction will serve that need. An introduction to your broad network
should also do this whenever possible, but broad network introductions don’t
need to have the same degree of intimacy and specificity.

For example, here is an introduction I recently received from one of my closest

friends, who knew I was looking to enhance our storytelling curriculum at The
Art of Charm. Recognizing that need and organically connecting the dots, he
wrote the following email to me and a storytelling teacher he recently met.
The note read:

Guys!

Thrilled to introduce you two stellar people.

David is the crazy talented storyteller, writer and teacher whose

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class I just finished and who has a new one man show that is just
terrific.

Jordan is the cofounder of The Art of Charm and host of the The
Art of Charm Podcast, a remarkable self-development program
for men and women around the world.

So far, a pretty standard introduction. But here’s where the introduction took
on an inner circle significance. He continued to write:

A big part of the AOC curriculum is storytelling -- the craft, the

science, the role it can play in dating, pitching, and life. As Jordan
and his partners build out the story component of their live program,
I wanted to connect you two.

I'm sure you guys would have a great conversation in general, but
I imagine there's a great podcast episode here -- something like a
storytelling 101 workshop for Jordan's listeners, with a discussion
of what makes a great story, why story is so powerful, how people
can begin thinking in story, etc. Along the way, David can share
his philosophy of storytelling and promote his upcoming show.

Excited for you guys to chat. Connect when you can! Hugs to you
both.

That note is just one of hundreds that I send and receive, but it’s a perfect
example of an inner circle introduction.

Beyond the mechanics of introducing two people, it really gets to the heart of
the need -- why I wanted to meet a good storyteller. Along the way, it delivers
social capital left and right. In addition to introducing two people, it’s sharing
knowledge (in the form of David’s storytelling expertise), demonstrating
mutual value (by mentioning that David can promote his upcoming show),
and creating a strong emotional connection (by writing the note with such

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enthusiasm and obvious care).

As a result, my friend deepened our relationship while kicking off a new one.
By taking his time with this intro, he also communicated to David that I’m
someone he cares about and trusts -- which means that I should be high on
David’s list of priorities as well. The fact that it was so easy and exciting to
respond to that note tells me that it was an especially meaningful introduction.

Introductions for your inner circle will also range from the personal
to the professional.
For example, if an inner circle friend wants to publish a book, I’m definitely
going to introduce her to an editor I know. But if she’s traveling to Costa Rica,
I’ll just as quickly introduce her to the awesome surf instructor I met down
there, so she can meet a local who can help make her trip that much better.
Why? Because my inner circle’s personal life is as important to me as their
professional life. I’m looking out for my inner circle from all angles, like they
are for me.

Now, you might do all of this for someone in your broad network as well, and
that can be a fantastic way to build social capital. But realistically, you probably
can’t get as involved in the personal lives of everyone you know. You have to
prioritize. An inner circle helps you distribute your social capital where it’s
most needed.

Now let’s turn to the habit of committing to your platform in the

context of your inner circle.

As you’ll recall from Module 5, maintaining your platform is a habit that

combines the advantages of systematic and opportunistic maintenance. The

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platform becomes your system: a reliable tool to stay in touch. The social
capital you share on that platform -- whether it’s a discussion around the
dinner table about modern dating, or a podcast episode about how to close
customers -- is an organic exchange of value.

As you develop your inner circle, you’ll want to open up your platforms to
those people. Your platforms become theirs, and their platforms become
yours. That means making a conscious effort to share your tools with them
to amplify social capital all around.

If your platform is a monthly dinner party, then your inner circle probably
has a regular seat at the table, or at least an open invitation. If your platform
is a podcast, then your inner circle will probably make appearances as guests,
or at least get highlighted on the show when the opportunity arises.

One of the reasons we develop platforms is to broaden our networks beyond

the people we already know, and we shouldn’t lose sight of that. But part of
the way we broaden our networks is by giving voice to our inner circle, and
giving them priority, because so much of the value we share on our platforms
comes through them.

So continue to maintain your platform: that’s essential. As you do, constantly

ask yourself how your inner circle would benefit from it.

Next, let’s return to the idea of becoming an active consumer of

information.
As we’ve said, the best social capitalists actively consume blog posts, social
updates, articles, books, and other types of information. That means taking
an extra moment to really process that knowledge -- and then immediately
applying that information somewhere else.

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Your inner circle will be your first stop in putting that information to good
use. Whenever I read something, I always take a moment to think who among
my five to 10 closest people would benefit from that information. Then I send
it along in the most consumable way, often with some personal thoughts of
my own. I also frequently send that information to people in my broad network,
but my first thought is always my inner circle.

In your inner circle, knowledge becomes even more important, because that
information has the potential to help your group thrive.

Just like introductions, your knowledge will also be more specific and meaningful
to what your inner circle is doing. That means:

- Sharing knowledge more openly and more often to fulfill the needs of
your inner circle
- Sharing and seeking “insider” knowledge, like new job opportunities,
breaking news, industry insights, exclusive insights, and so on
- Creating more knowledge as a group by sparking conversation and
building on information as a team

You can combine this habit of active consumption with your introductions to
deliver jam-packed value to your inner circle. For example, sending someone
in your inner circle a consumer-electronics industry report, along with an
introduction to a great digital vendor you recently met, brings additional value
to both parties and compounds the social capital it creates. You can see how
these are the exact same habits from Module 5, but we’re committing to them
even harder, with even more personalization and care, than we would for a
general acquaintance.

Which brings us to the next key habit: Offering your help to the
people you know.

When it comes to your broad network, you’ve already gotten used to taking a

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moment and asking: “Is there anything I can do to help you right now?” That
is a smart shortcut to finding out where your social capital is needed, and
creating value wherever you go.

For our inner circle, we’re not just offering help as a gesture of social capital.
We’re there, on speed-dial, to offer help as a matter of course. You’re implicitly
available to offer help at any moment -- both proactively, and when your
inner circle asks for it. As we’ve said, that expectation is implicit in an inner
circle relationship. Still, it doesn’t help to get in the habit of asking that question
in all of your interactions.

The same goes for the habit of following up.

Circling back on social capital, like checking in with both parties a few days
after making an introduction, is an important habit in your relationships. For
your inner circle, it’s essential.

As we’ve said, you want to be sure that the social capital you’re providing is
actually valuable in general. For your inner circle, it must be, since you’re
invested in these people beyond any single exchange.

If you make a valuable introduction for someone in your inner circle, for
example, that might open up a new opportunity and a new question. Follow-
ing up afterward will then help you navigate that opportunity together, and
hopefully provide some knowledge to answer the question.

With someone in our broad network, we might be satisfied that a single

introduction or conversation was valuable, and not worry as much about the
bigger picture. With our inner circle, we share that bigger picture, and our
follow-up should reflect that.

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Which brings us to our final habit: Asking for advice.

Advice is the one type of social capital that will get shared the most in your
inner circle.

In your broad network, you might limit your advice-asking and -giving, so you
don’t become or create a burden with someone you’re not exceptionally close
with. But in your inner circle, asking for advice is acceptable and encouraged.
Remember, your inner circle functions as your personal board of advisors.
It’s in the nature of your inner circle relationships to weigh in on one another’s
decisions. That deepens the relationship and makes the most of the other
social capital you share.

Advice from your inner circle can also range from the mundane to the important.
You might ask your closests friends for feedback on a new logo or an email,
then turn around and discuss a professional crisis over dinner.

Both of these types of advice are generally invited within an inner circle --
giving and receiving.

You will also provide emotional support more readily to your

inner circle.

As we talked about in M1, emotional support is one of the most powerful

forms of social capital. It’s also the hardest to share, because it involves more
time and energy than people or knowledge.

Realistically, you can’t be equally supportive of every person you know. You
might be able to make as many as three introductions a day across your network,
but if you spent 45 minutes on the phone with everyone you knew, you’d
have no time for the most important people in your life -- or for yourself. As
we said, you have to prioritize.

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Your inner circle gets the majority of your emotional support. Investing
emotionally in your inner circle pays massive dividends. It’s also incredibly
rewarding and fun.

How do you emotionally invest in your closest relationships? By:

- Making yourself available to discuss major decisions and life events

- Becoming especially curious and invested in your inner circle’s
wants/needs/interests/and success
- Offering your own perspectives, opinions and life experience more
openly and generously
- Being willing to spend the time/energy to really delve into your inner
circle’s issues, especially over the long term

Can you do all of this with people in your broad network? Definitely. But it
will always require tradeoffs. If someone in your broad network responds well
to your emotional capital, and reciprocates, then that person might join your
inner circle. If someone doesn’t seem to emotionally reciprocate, then it’s
probably not worth investing that capital.

Now let’s turn to the ‘how’ of inner circle relationships. What are
the best tools, systems and processes for managing your closest
relationships?

First, you’ll want to make sure that you connect with your inner circle in
the real world. Unlike relationships in your broad network, your inner circle
deserves more face-time with you, because real-world interactions multiply
social capital in a way that digital-only relationships do not.

So regular in-person hang-outs are a must. These can include meals, dinner
parties, workouts, and co-working sessions. This is both a platform and a
chance to connect in the real world.

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Now let’s talk about digital tools.

More than any one solution, we recommend finding a set of tools that
reflects the relationships you want to have. For example, if your inner circle
gravitates to Gchat or Slack, then those are the right tools for you. If your
inner circle gravitates to Facebook, then embrace that platform.

Here at AOC we’ve found that Facebook and Slack have been ideal tools to
maintain our inner circles.

On Facebook, a few features can help you capitalize on your closest relationships.

- First, create a list of your inner circle in your friends preferences.

That will allow you to filter your newsfeed to only see content from
your inner circle. That will allow you to keep tabs, like and comment,
and share -- allowing you to become an active consumer of your
inner circle’s updates, as we discussed earlier. Remember the principles
from Module 5 here: looking for what your people want and need at
any given moment, and filling them with value. Twitter has a similar
list feature that helps make sense of the noise.

- Next, create a private group for your inner circle. Assuming that the
people in your inner circle are interested in knowing one another --
which isn’t always the case, but is very common -- then creating a
private group for only your closest people is a great tool. That will
allow you to share social capital in private, which will create more
meaningful conversations and connections. You can also create private
groups around specific topics, like an upcoming trip, a common
business problem or an ongoing conversation.

All social networks can be customized to serve your inner circle. Slack, for
example, has multiple accounts and separate channels to encourage more
specific, targeted conversations. Snapchat has an element of intimacy that many
people find useful for sharing within close relationships. Again, the tool you

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choose should match your preferences and and your inner circle’s needs.

Then, use your online and offline interactions to maintain those

relationships.
In-person conversations will spill over into Slack discussions, which will tee
up new opportunities to connect in the real world. Phone calls and texting
will help bridge the two. Again, the specific tools are less important than the
principle of staying in close touch.

And that’s how you maintain your inner circle, one of the greatest
benefits of networking.
Having a strong inner circle is a gift of social capital, and one of the ways that
it creates concrete benefits in the real world.

The idea, of course, isn’t to think of your network in an exclusionary or elitist

way. We’re not saying, These people belong in my inner circle, and those people don’t.
On the contrary: We invite the people who reciprocate our social capital and
share our values into our inner circle, and organically deepen those relationships.
Over time, your inner circle will evolve, constantly refreshing and compounding
social capital.

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