I am going to do it. I have made up my mind.

These are the first few words of

the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known
Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world
record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I
might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might
get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!!
no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules
and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average
human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;).
Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can
make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s
house, so you text this: [ see you soon ] seems normal, right? But what is
you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way
around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that
coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon ]THAT IS JUST SO
CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every
move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you
thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you
are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some
random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you
can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he
finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word
from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I
can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on
the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed
to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2
scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals
(you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult)
he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some
French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never
seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes
and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2)
And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble}
“Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to
eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert
gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it
to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the
extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat
cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or
something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which
because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what
a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a
broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story
that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe
(an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football
with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all
those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a
banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I
always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says:
“one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and
we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is
salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty
much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him
that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the
counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end,
not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number /
email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally
takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now?
i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i
don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate
choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i
get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know
that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i
will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please
…
badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadab
adboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just
playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was
talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make
my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of
flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and
instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the
total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life
easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will
take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow
fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals
(thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is
his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible
by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting
sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time
and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar!
whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised
that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you
didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i
first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down ) what if one
day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you
just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go.
Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used
the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it
is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the
way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i
scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready
… arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday,
i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto.
its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing?
right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i
think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he
keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader!
if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty
chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this
was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat
bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all
those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures
with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks
great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone
could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you
imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking…
HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t.
that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if
wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i
will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to
her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked
meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially
going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge
and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep
handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is
allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking
reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy
someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because
i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to
make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE
DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR
DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so
green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not
even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny
considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t
eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were
casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious
compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na
(england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m
just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie
and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up
a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab
the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected.
luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into
the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken
embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick
and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep
handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads
while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king
of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false
piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i
tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i
think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have
great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to
tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower
taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for
people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a
new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever,
being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the
people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now
PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will
make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place
grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE
that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told
me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat
nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to
lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building
fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the
non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale
at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls
maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and
joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was
(partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo.
bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to
christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey.
its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back
(even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal
reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you
are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole
thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those
homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a
conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and
enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only
the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the
new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone
related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE
also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped.
someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was
doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it
is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness –
Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time)
heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be
utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does
Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to
Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that
be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey
hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.)
ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an
old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):)
OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&[Link] [i
annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder}
heyyyyyyy (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man
continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET
AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR
HAVANT AYE? (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU
CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED
TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha!
MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} kills ->
—The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be
DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be
chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered
as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who
was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i
was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta
beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W
W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to
da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it
actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang.
somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie ->
@,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%.
|-|£||[], /\/\¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @
$£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @ |-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|).
That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going
to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i
had to much sugar gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new
conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is
why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home.
everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world.
when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you
don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then
decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out
on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through
Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he
makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the
Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts
(you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some
math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels
with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t
understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes,
just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by
lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere!
Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste
bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they
always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write
WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no
time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t
have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun.
and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum.
what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t
know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play
with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i
still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I
wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games
wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer
the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff
like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers
(not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t
know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am
talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be
an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text
adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long
and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was
typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole
naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum
named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the
top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of
whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might
wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s
getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new
one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference).
iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with
bee mc wasp.
*clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecaus
ehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbee
slashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister
Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend
14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area!
Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto
corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY
MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is
then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly
feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real
breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like
twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the
all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is
building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It
is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its
the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian
music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm
music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA!
You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost
and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c
-4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit
na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…]
{kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are
up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually
a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small
ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer
sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only
€1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch
your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not
responsible for deep regret after purchases***
(clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to
AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency
-emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running
away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly
familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! I knew it! It’s my fri
end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical
blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta
go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our
mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And
poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man}
hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug,
the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese,
another random surprise DESTINED FOR
GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2
CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I
know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars
slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017
heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE
ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be
affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like
cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that
person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out)
he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in
hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems
more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if
you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here!
(Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that
attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid
auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who
were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY
ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey
gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam
sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN
DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH
FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not
to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of
slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of
great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM…
WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink:
Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces
banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger)
Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m
gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange
banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a
chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig
(figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot
sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes)
Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe)
Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a
currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more
sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not
from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche
(pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak
(put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick
tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish)
Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar
(eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye
says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny)
Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly
made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’
to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo?
Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three
rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are
unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from
everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries!
Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessa
ndratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais!
French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s
so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness
on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE
BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall
not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness.
That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step
tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the
comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click
the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to
the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone
will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost
There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U
HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do
that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m
hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I
type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good
thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall.
Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out
of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time
you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a
long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes:
in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the
rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the
way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of
greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if
you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and
forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who
share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma
eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still
the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not
want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that
the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is
represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is
merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is
pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you
think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of
is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you
would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random
audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the
sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know
how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt?
Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh
pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a
COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things
are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer
has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you
have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what
did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time
that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier!
In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s
so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is
associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males,
obviously! (I’m sorry *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry,
but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re
being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists!
Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with
hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the
time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now
your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to
rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other
equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway,