BETHANY

by
Laura Marks

Jessica Amato
GERSH
41 Madison Avenue, 33rd Floor
New York, NY 10010
(212) 997-1818
Jamato@[Link]

Laura Marks
(646) 373-2620
LRuth22@[Link]
BETHANY

Characters (in order of appearance):

CHARLIE (early 50's)

CRYSTAL (late 20's - mid 30's)
GARY (late 20's - mid 30's)
SHANNON (30's)
TONI (40's)
PATRICIA (early 50's)

Time:
Early 2009.

Place:
The exurbs of a small city in America.

"Do you know the definition of charisma? Believing in your

own bullshit!" - Lukas Foss
 2.

PROLOGUE.

(A middle-aged man in a bathrobe stands facing

out, practicing a speech in his bathroom
mirror. His style is presentational, yet
intimate and folksy - think Rick Warren at
Saddleback. He uses a Q-tip to clean out his
ears.)

CHARLIE
There's a reason you're here today.
You might not believe that, but I do.
You see, there's a higher power that guides our destiny.
I don't care if you call it God or Yahweh or Uncle Fred,
doesn't matter.
And I'll tell you one thing about this higher power:
He wants you to be rich.
Rich beyond your wildest dreams.
He doesn't want you to lie awake all night, wondering how
you're gonna make that mortgage payment when your kid's
college tuition is due, and your credit cards are already
maxed to the limit.
You know, last year, in the town where I live, over thirty-
five thousand people lost their homes to foreclosure. Thirty-
five thousand!
There are some neighborhoods where you can go for a walk and
you won't hardly see anyone.
And do you know what's the saddest part about all that?
Those people could have saved their homes... if they'd known
the secrets that I'm about to share with you today.
These secrets are as old as the hills, and as powerful as a
thunderstorm.
They're the reason that I live in a beautiful five-bedroom
home with a hot tub, and a flat-screen TV, and everything
else a man could ever want.
If you've been living a life based on hard work, and anxiety,
or even fear,
your life is about to change forever.
So if you haven't already, open up your notebooks;
and while you're at it, open up your minds.

(He thinks for a moment.)

CHARLIE
(to himself)
That's when I should do that thing with the kazoos.
 3.

SCENE ONE.

(Night. The empty, eat-in kitchen of a small

house in the suburbs. Built-in cabinets but
no furniture. The counters are bare except
for a pile of mail. After some lengthy
fumbling with the sliding-glass door, a woman
enters from outside. She has a small wheeled
suitcase, purse and garment bag. She's
conservatively dressed, in a suit jacket,
skirt and heels, and attractive.

She puts down her things. She's cautious,

listening. Turns on the small light over the
stove. Quickly looks through the pile of
mail. She opens the refrigerator and realizes
it's not running. As she kneels down to check
the plug, she suddenly stops.)

CRYSTAL
Hello?

(No answer. She plugs in the fridge. There's

an audible hum as it starts to run. She opens
the refrigerator again, and this time the
light comes on. It takes a few seconds for
her to notice the man who has silently entered
the room.)

CRYSTAL GARY
Oh my God-- It's okay--

CRYSTAL GARY
Oh, I'm so sorry-- Shh. It's okay, I'm going--

CRYSTAL
You know? I think- I, I, I must have just wandered into the
wrong house by mistake, I'm so terribly sorry, I'll just be
on my--

(A long moment while they stare at each

other.)

CRYSTAL
(Grabbing something from her purse.)
I have pepper spray.

GARY
I won't hurt you.

CRYSTAL
I'll just get my things here--
 4.

GARY
You don't have to go. I'm leaving right now.

CRYSTAL
What are you saying?

GARY
It's okay. You don't have to call the police.

CRYSTAL
I'm sorry, what's the deal? Do you live here?

GARY
No. Do you?

CRYSTAL
...Yes. I mean--
Not exactly, but my friend. It belongs to my friend.

GARY
What's his name?

CRYSTAL
Joe. Parker.

(Pause. He laughs.)

CRYSTAL
What?

GARY
You got that from looking at the mail.

CRYSTAL
It's true. Joe is my boyfriend.

GARY
Joe is eighty.

(Pause.)

CRYSTAL
What are you doing here?

GARY
I just need a place to lay my head.
I won't bother you.
You won't need your "pepper spray".

(Pause.)

CRYSTAL
It's really just breath spray.
 5.

(She sprays some in her mouth.)

CRYSTAL
Fresh breath is important in my line of work.

GARY
What do you do?

CRYSTAL
Sales. You?

(He laughs. From the looks of him, he hasn't

held a job in quite a while. She laughs too,
nervously.)

GARY
What?

(She shuts the refrigerator door.)

CRYSTAL
It's good that the electric still works. He's only been gone
a few days, right?

GARY
More like a week.

CRYSTAL
That makes sense. Who wants to wait around for the marshals?

GARY
Do you know how much he owed?

CRYSTAL
No.

GARY
Two hundred and fifty-four thousand.

CRYSTAL
Unbelievable. Did he have a line of credit?

GARY
How can people be so dumb?

CRYSTAL
He might have been sick.

GARY
He might have been stupid.

CRYSTAL
Well, why don't you go buy a house someday and show us all
how it works.
 6.

(Pause. She backs away slightly.)

GARY
Do I smell bad?

CRYSTAL
No-- not really, I can't really tell--

GARY
I haven't been showering.

CRYSTAL
Is the water shut off already?

GARY
No. Sometimes I just forget.

(A pause while she looks at him, weighing her

options.)

CRYSTAL
Where are you sleeping?

GARY
Upstairs. So I guess you could have the downstairs if you
want. The living room carpet is pretty soft.

CRYSTAL
How long do you think-- I mean--

GARY
Water should stay on until the end of the month. Electric,
who knows. Eventually the bank'll put it up for auction, but
at this point it might not be worth the trouble.

(She's silent, considering.)

CRYSTAL
What's your name?

GARY
Gary.

CRYSTAL
Hi Gary. I'm Crystal.

(She initiates a handshake. Pause. She

reaches into her purse, gets out a packet of
nuts and opens it.)

CRYSTAL
Are you hungry? Come here:
 7.

(She hands him the packet. He pours some into

his hand and wolfs them down.)

GARY
Thanks.

(He offers the packet back to her.)

CRYSTAL
Go ahead, have the rest. I already had Quizno's.

(Pause.)

CRYSTAL
Oh Christ. I can't do this. Fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck.

(She starts frantically gathering her things.

A contradictory impulse stops her. She leans
on the counter, trying to think.)

GARY
You don't have to go. I'm pretty harmless.
But if you have another option, by all means...
There's always the park, but people can come and fuck with
you in the park.
I mean, literally.
If I were you, I'd go with the devil you know, so to speak.
(Pause.)
Think it over. I'm going upstairs.

CRYSTAL
Are you going to sleep?

GARY
No, probably just a little meditation.
Maybe jerk off if I need to. But I don't think I do.
(Pause.)
If I do, I'll shut the door.

CRYSTAL
Okay.

GARY
Good night.

(He leaves. After a moment she slides her

purse off her shoulder and sets it down. She
digs in the purse and gets out a photograph:
it's wallet-sized, like a school picture. She
looks at it as the lights dim.)
 8.

SCENE TWO.

(The next day. Crystal stands on the sales

floor of a Saturn dealership. Light
background music. Charlie stands next to her,
holding a couple of glossy spec sheets. )

CRYSTAL
...The five-door XE has a hundred and thirty-eight horsepower
engine, five-speed manual transmission, cruise control; it's
virtually the same as the XR except that it doesn't have the
sixteen-inch alloy wheels or the advanced audio system, or
the sport bucket seats with driver-side lumbar, which I'm
thinking you might actually need since you say you do a lot
of driving. If you want to save fifteen hundred dollars,
hey, in this economic climate, I completely understand. But
I see that iPod in your pocket so I know you're a man who
likes his music, and I gotta say, having all those audio
controls right on the steering wheel is an amazing feeling:
it's like, you're heading down the highway and you've got the
whole world right there...

CHARLIE
How did you learn so much about cars? Did your boyfriend
teach you?

CRYSTAL
I don't have a boyfriend.

CHARLIE
I was here about a month ago, but I didn't see you then. Are
you new?

(Her smile abruptly vanishes.)

CRYSTAL
Did you work with a salesperson the last time you were here?

CHARLIE
A girl named Tammy.

CRYSTAL
Oh no. I should... I should probably get Tammy for you then.

CHARLIE
You trying to get rid of me?

CRYSTAL
Oh, God no! It's just that we're really not allowed to take
each other's customers. It's really complicated, but
basically, you see, we work on straight commission--

CHARLIE
How about we just pretend I never told you?
 9.

(She looks around.)

CHARLIE
I don't want to work with her anyway. I'd rather work with
you.

(Pause.)

CHARLIE
Come on. "The customer is always right."

CRYSTAL
I know, but--

CHARLIE
Shhh, I love this song:

(A new song surges forward on the dealership

soundtrack: "Sea of Love,"or something
equally lush and romantic. They listen to it
together for a while.)

CHARLIE
I swear I've seen you somewhere before.

CRYSTAL
I used to work at the Ford dealership.

CHARLIE
No, that's not it.

CRYSTAL
Well, I just have one of those faces; people always think
they went to high school with me.

CHARLIE
You were in diapers when I was in high school.

(Pause.)

CHARLIE
Anyway, I filled out the form.
(He hands her a thin Lucite clipboard.)
And here's my card.

(She looks at it.)

CRYSTAL
..."Transformative Motivational Speaker"-- wait a minute. I
know you. I went to that talk you gave at the Holiday Inn.

CHARLIE
See, there you go.
 10.

CRYSTAL
I still have my notebook. And I remember when I got home, I
made a list of all my bills and put it out to the universe,
just like you said.

CHARLIE
And look at you now. You're doing great.

CRYSTAL
Well...
You know, that same week, I did have a couple of parking
tickets and when I went to pay them, they couldn't find one
in the computer, so it was free.

CHARLIE
We call that "synchronicity". The more you use the tools,
the more it starts to happen.

CRYSTAL
I don't know. I probably wasn't doing it right.

CHARLIE
That lecture was just the tip of the iceberg. You should
have signed up for my boot camp. That's where we really get
into challenging your assumptions.

CRYSTAL
You know, I just didn't have the money--

CHARLIE
People always say that. It's an investment. But it ends up
paying for itself, a hundred times over.

(Pause.)

CHARLIE
Well, speaking of investments...
Aren't you gonna offer me a test drive?

CRYSTAL
Would you like to go for a test drive?

(She has the keys. He offers her his arm with

mock formality. She takes it, and they start
off.)
 11.

SCENE THREE.

(Evening of the same day. Crystal comes into

the kitchen again through the sliding glass
door. This time it's apparent that she's
using a thin, plastic ID card to jimmy the
lock. She does it more easily now. She has
her luggage as before, along with a couple of
stuffed, no-label shopping bags and a greasy
bag of takeout.)

CRYSTAL
Gary?
Are you still here?

(He pops up from behind the counter. He's

holding a two-by-four.)

CRYSTAL
--Oh Jesus--

GARY
Sorry.

CRYSTAL
What the hell is that for?

GARY
Just... protection.

CRYSTAL
Protection from what?

(He thinks for a moment. He gently lays the

two-by-four on the counter.)

CRYSTAL
I brought hamburgers. Are you hungry?

(She starts unpacking the bag.)

GARY
I was just going to fix some C-rations.

CRYSTAL
What are those?

(He shows her a small cardboard box.)

GARY
From the Army-Navy store.
They keep forever.
 12.

CRYSTAL
Well, great, keep it for another night. I'm buying.

GARY
Do you always wear a suit?

CRYSTAL
It's... you know. I have to.
But I can't afford to get anything dry cleaned. Pretty soon
I'm gonna smell like a...

(Embarrassed silence.)

GARY
I took a shower.

CRYSTAL
That's great!

(They start eating picnic-style on the floor.)

CRYSTAL
So tell me about your day. Did you go anywhere?

(Gary shakes his head.)

CRYSTAL
It was really nice out.

GARY
I didn't have anywhere to go.

CRYSTAL
Well, I hear you, but you could go hang out at the library,
or... I don't know...

GARY
I mean I didn't need to go anywhere.

CRYSTAL
So you don't go anywhere unless you need to?

GARY
Pretty much.

CRYSTAL
Do you have... like, a phobia, or something?
(No answer.)
...I'm sorry, I'm usually not this rude...

(Pause.)
 13.

GARY
I don't like crowds. Crowding is unnatural; it causes stress
and aggression. They've proved it with animals.

CRYSTAL
Okay.

(Pause.)

CRYSTAL
Anyway, I had a good day at work. I think, maybe, I've
finally met someone who wants to buy a goddamned car.

GARY
Hooray for fossil fuels.

CRYSTAL
Hooray for seven percent commission.

GARY
Is it new, or used?

CRYSTAL
Do I look like the used car type?
This guy is strictly top-of-the-line. He's looking at a Sky
RedLine, fully loaded.

GARY
I only know cars from the seventies and eighties. Nowadays
they make them out of plastic.

CRYSTAL
It's polymer.

GARY
That's because the government is saving the metal. They're
hoarding it.

CRYSTAL
What for?

GARY
Think about it. Metal is going to be one of the key
substances in the new barter economy. As long as your fire
is hot enough, you can make metal do whatever you want.
Plastic just melts and turns into poison.

CRYSTAL
Okay.

GARY
You should take your seven percent commission and invest in a
scrap-metal yard.
 14.

(She laughs.)

CRYSTAL
You know... investing is not really my top priority right
now.

(She starts unpacking the shopping bags,

stocking the kitchen with various things:
paper towels, china plates and cutlery from
Goodwill.)

GARY
Don't tell me you're gonna go rent some apartment. That's
just throwing money away.

CRYSTAL
So how does it work: you just stay someplace until the water
gets turned off, and then you go and try to find some other
house?

GARY
There's always another house; the hard part is finding one
with lights and water. Take a look outside. You see any
lights in those houses? It's a ghost town.

(She looks out the glass door for a long

while, realizing how alone they are.)

CRYSTAL
That street light's not on.

(Pause.)

CRYSTAL
Well, at least it's quiet.
You can see the stars.
Did you ever do any camping?
I mean... voluntarily?
I went once. I couldn't believe the sky. Like it was just
dusted with white.

GARY
Plenty more where that came from. The days of trying to get
"back to nature" - that's all over. Nature's coming back to
us.

CRYSTAL
What do you mean?

GARY
These cheap-ass houses-- they're just scrap now. We're
sitting in a drywall junkyard.
 15.

GARY (CONT'D)
Pretty soon you're gonna see squirrels nesting in these
cabinets. Vines crawling over the floor.

CRYSTAL
That's insane.

GARY
You'll see people start to change too. Fighting to survive.
It doesn't bring out the best in a person.

(Pause.)

CRYSTAL
Listen:
I need to ask a couple of favors of you.

GARY
This oughta be good.

CRYSTAL
Will you be home during the day tomorrow?

(He nods.)

CRYSTAL
Okay, good. I'm having some stuff delivered. Just a table
and chair set, from Goodwill.
I just need someone here to open the door.
And the other thing is even easier.
The day after tomorrow, I have this appointment. This person
needs to come over and see where I live. So I was wondering
if you could maybe just....not be here.

GARY
That's a problem.

CRYSTAL
Just for a couple of hours. You could go for a walk, or run
some errands...It's not like you'd run into crowds or
anything.

GARY
What time?

CRYSTAL
Afternoon.

GARY
No way.

CRYSTAL
Come on. You must go out all the time to get your C-rations
or whatever.
 16.

GARY
Only when I need to.

CRYSTAL
Please, Gary, I can't-- I can't even begin to tell you how
important this is.

GARY
Do you seriously expect me to go out and wander around the
neighborhood for two hours?

CRYSTAL
So go to the library.

GARY
You and that fucking library!
No. No way. I see your M. O.
You buy me a hamburger like I'm your buddy, and now you want
to kick me out and change the locks on me.
I was here first, lady.

CRYSTAL
I'm really hurt that you would think that, Gary.
I've never been anything but nice to you.
And you've been so kind to me, letting me stay here.
I don't know if I could do this if I didn't have you here to
help me.
I appreciate it so much.

(Pause.)

GARY
What if I just stay upstairs?

CRYSTAL
They need to see the whole house.

GARY
Who does?

CRYSTAL
It's complicated.

GARY
Why can't you just say, "This is my friend, Gary?" I'll take
a shower.

CRYSTAL
Because they'll assume that I'm involved with you.

GARY
And that would be deeply embarrassing to you; I get it.
Because I'm such a disgusting specimen--
 17.

CRYSTAL
No, I swear, you could be Brad Pitt-- I mean, you're
perfectly attractive, as far as I can tell, but I absolutely
cannot look like I'm involved with anyone or living with
anyone. At all.

GARY
Okay.
So, I got it.
I'll be the plumber.

CRYSTAL
What?

GARY
Like they say in the porno films:
"I'm just here to fix the sink."

CRYSTAL
... Do you... do you have any tools, or anything?

GARY
One or two. I can improvise.

CRYSTAL
I don't know.

GARY
It's a good cover. And you know, if you're having the place
worked on, it helps it look like you really live here.
Because a table and chair set isn't gonna cut it.

CRYSTAL
I bought other things too, like toilet paper and some sheets
to put on the bed, I mean, your bed.
I'll say that I just moved in.

GARY
That's true enough.

CRYSTAL
Gary: don't take this the wrong way, but I need to know that
you're not gonna screw this up. If we do this, you have to
be completely quiet. Let me do all the talking.

GARY
I know what I'm doing.
I've been living under the radar for a long time.

CRYSTAL
Okay! We're a team, right?

(Gary starts sliding his pants down.)

 18.

CRYSTAL
What the hell are you doing?

GARY
Just... that's how the plumbers wear their jeans...
'Cause when they bend over--

CRYSTAL
Okay, that's too far.

GARY
Just trying to look realistic...

CRYSTAL
You should go to bed now.

GARY
You're not the boss of me.

CRYSTAL
Oh God, I'm sorry, that just slipped out. I guess it's a mom
thing.

GARY
A mom thing?

(Crystal looks stricken. She gathers up her

things and starts heading toward the living
room.)

GARY
Hey.
It's all fine.
I'm not gonna screw anything up.
I don't want you to worry.

(She tries to smile.)

CRYSTAL
Good night.

GARY
Good night.

(She exits.)
 19.

SCENE FOUR.

(Charlie stands alone at his bathroom mirror,

in his undershirt this time. He practices a
speech while he tweezes his ear hair.)

CHARLIE
What do you want?

(He points to an imaginary person, as if

calling on someone, and holds for their
response, which he repeats.)

CHARLIE
Okay. "More money."
Anyone have a more specific answer?
(The same thing with more "people.")
"More sales." "More commissions."
Ah. "I want to be rich." Okay, let's hold for a minute.
This is my favorite answer: "I Want To Be Rich."
Come here a minute:
(To himself)
I have to make sure I have a nickel.
Here's a nickel.
Now you're richer than when you came in.
Seriously, though:
Why do you want to be rich? Why?
(Calling on people, as before.)
"So you don't have to worry anymore. "
More answers, come on:
"So you won't lose your house. "
"Medical expenses."
"So your wife will respect you."
"So you can buy things."
Okay, stop.
Let me ask you this:
What things?
--uh uh, don't tell me:
Close your eyes.
Now visualize the first thing that comes to mind.
How big is it? What color is it?
Is the light hitting it in a special way?
Now stretch out your hand-- can you see your hand?
--and run your fingers over it.
How does it feel?
Now come right up next to it, and see if you can press your
face against it,
What does it smell like?
What does she smell like? Ha, just kidding.
Now: I want you to say something to yourself.
Don't say, "I want this."
Say: "This Is Mine."
 20.

SCENE FIVE.

(Sounds of rain and thunder. Lights rise on

SHANNON, a woman in her thirties, who stands
on the sales floor of the dealership reviewing
a checklist on a clipboard. Crystal rushes
in. She's soaked.)

CRYSTAL
Sorry I'm late, I took the--

SHANNON
Did you punch in?

CRYSTAL
No, I'll go do it right now.

SHANNON
Do it later. You have a customer.

CRYSTAL
No way.

SHANNON
He's in the men's room. Are you...?

(Flushing sounds from offstage.)

CRYSTAL
What?

SHANNON
Is something up?

CRYSTAL
I'm fine. Do I look all right?

SHANNON
We need to talk when you have a second.

CRYSTAL
Sure.

(Shannon moves away as Charlie walks in with a

newspaper.)

CHARLIE
... There's my girl.

CRYSTAL
Wow, you're a real early bird.

CHARLIE
Do I need to buy you an umbrella?
 21.

CRYSTAL
It's weird, I can never manage to keep one.

(He takes off his raincoat and puts it around

her shoulders.)

CHARLIE
Here you go.

CRYSTAL
Thank you.

CHARLIE
I was getting cold just looking at you.

(Pause.)

CRYSTAL
So... what can I help you with today?

CHARLIE
I was thinking I'd like to see how that car handles in the
rain.

CRYSTAL
You're a smart shopper. I like that.

CHARLIE
Well, it's a big investment.

CRYSTAL
Absolutely. A car is like your second skin.
Well, I'll get you the keys and you can go spend the whole
day out there if you want.

CHARLIE
You free to ride shotgun?

CRYSTAL
Oh gee, I'd love to, but I, uh, I have this meeting with my
supervisor.

CHARLIE
I don't mind waiting. You all have free coffee in the
lounge.

CRYSTAL
...Okay then. Great. I'll come find you.

(He exits.)

SHANNON
What's his deal?
 22.

CRYSTAL
He's pre-qualified.

SHANNON
A twelve-year-old can get pre-qualified.

CRYSTAL
What did you want to talk about?

SHANNON
We're closing.

CRYSTAL
Closing early?

SHANNON
No, closing forever. The service center's hanging on for a
little while, but the sales floor is toast.

CRYSTAL
Oh my God.

SHANNON
So if you're working on any deals you need to close 'em by
the end of the week.

CRYSTAL
Why didn't you tell me before?

SHANNON
Crystal: get a grip, okay? We've been operating in the red
for two straight quarters; half the associates are gone; what
did you think was gonna happen?

CRYSTAL
But that's not what you do in a change cycle; you have to--
you have to hang in there, you know? Because times like
these are all about thinning the herd, and that's good for
us, but we have to ride it out, we have to; it's all just--
it's just part of the cycle.

SHANNON
You sound like my 401K guy.

CRYSTAL
Did you talk to headquarters? Because all they have to do is
find someone else to buy out the franchise, this is crazy--

SHANNON
H.Q. doesn't give two shits about it. They're busy trying to
sell the whole company.

CRYSTAL
What? Who could they sell it to?
 23.

SHANNON
I don't know. Japanese.

(Pause.)

CRYSTAL
Shannon: I just want to say...
If we get any more walk-ins... I know today, with the rain--
but tomorrow morning, I'm here, or Thursday or Friday...
Shannon, please: I was salesperson of the month twice in a
row when I was at Ford.
If anyone else walks through that door, you give that person
to me and I will close them.
You know I will.
I will absolutely close them, and I will give you,
personally, twenty-five percent of my commission.

(Pause.)

SHANNON
Did you steal a customer from Tammy?

CRYSTAL
No, I--

SHANNON
Because she told me you did.

CRYSTAL
It's not... no, it wasn't like that, this guy just--

SHANNON
Whatever, I don't wanna hear excuses, but you know what?
Tammy's husband is on disability. And she may not be as
pretty as you, but she's been here a heck of a lot longer and
worked her butt off.
So if we get any walk-ins, which at this point is about as
likely as Pluto crash-landing into the parking lot, I think
I'm gonna give them to Tammy.
Because you know what?
There's a special place in hell for women who don't help
other women.

(Shannon exits. After a moment, Crystal slips

the borrowed coat off her shoulders and looks
at it. It's an expensive raincoat. She reads
the designer label in the collar, folds the
coat over her arm, and exits to go find
Charlie.)
 24.

SCENE SIX.

(The next day. The kitchen. The table and

chair set has arrived. Gary kneels in front
of the open sink cabinet, wrench in hand. He
starts futzing convincingly with the pipes
when he hears Crystal coming down from
upstairs along with TONI, an alert, fortyish
woman in a muted pants set.)

TONI
(making notes in a folder)
...So the living room, we saw.

CRYSTAL
I wanted to get a couch, but they said it takes eight weeks.

TONI
Not a problem. I'd rather see you wait eight weeks than go
to one of those rental places. I had a client get bedbugs.

CRYSTAL
Oh my God.

TONI
You mind if I look in your fridge?

(Crystal nods, and she does.)

TONI
All right, I'd like to see more fresh vegetables in here, but
I know you just moved in. Cleaning products?

CRYSTAL
Oh sure, I have... let's see... Joy, and 409...

TONI
Where do you store your cleaning products?

CRYSTAL
I, uh...

TONI
Under the sink?

CRYSTAL
No.

TONI
Never under the sink. Not even if you have one of those
little door latches.

CRYSTAL
Absolutely--
 25.

TONI
Because kids are smart, they figure out how to open those
things up in about two minutes.

CRYSTAL
I keep everything up high.

(Toni goes to the sliding glass door and looks

closely at the handle. She sits down at the
table.)

TONI
(writing)
Let me just catch up on my notes.

CRYSTAL
Take your time.

(Crystal sits and waits.)

TONI
Okay.
Here's what I still need to see:

(Crystal's face falls.)

TONI
Don't get upset on me. You're getting there. You have a
pen?

CRYSTAL
(not moving)
Sure.

(Toni hands her a pen and paper.)

TONI
Number one: window guards. On every second floor window.
Write that down.
You get them at the hardware store, about twenty bucks a pop.
Your handyman here probably knows how to put them in.
Number two: another bed.

CRYSTAL
I thought she could just share with me for a while.

TONI
You know, she could, but we discourage it. You just don't
want to know the stories I've heard. Mostly having to do
with the fathers, but still.
 26.

CRYSTAL
So, I'm sorry, I don't get it. She's not supposed to be old
enough to know not to drink Drano or climb out a second floor
window, but she's too old to sleep in her mommy's bed?

TONI
I don't write the standards, I'm just trying to tell you, I
know what my supervisor is going to say--

CRYSTAL
All right--

TONI
If you were in a motel that would be one thing, but you have
plenty of room so I don't see what the problem--

CRYSTAL
Fine, I'll get a bed.

TONI
Let's say you have a gentleman who wants to spend the night--

CRYSTAL
That's not going to happen.
Let's move on.

TONI
That's about it.
I'll just need a copy of your lease, for the file.

CRYSTAL
...Great.

TONI
Or if you just have the original, I can just take it with me
and run it off at the office.

CRYSTAL
You know, the landlord still has my copy, so I can just make
a copy at work and mail it to you, would that work?

TONI
Are you still at the Saturn dealership?

CRYSTAL
Yep, it's a great team over there.

(Toni looks over at Gary, who by now has run

out of things to do to the pipes. He's just
sitting there.)

TONI
I'd like to ask you about something a little more sensitive.
 27.

CRYSTAL
Gary, while you're here, could you also take a look at the
upstairs bathroom? The faucet is a little drippy.

GARY
Sure.

(He exits.)

TONI
I should get his number from you. Is he reasonable?

CRYSTAL
You know, the landlord is paying so I'm not really sure.

TONI
Crystal, I just need to ask you:
Do you have any other issues that we should know about?
Any addiction problems?

CRYSTAL
No.

TONI
Drugs? Gambling? QVC?

CRYSTAL
No.

TONI
Mental health issues?

CRYSTAL
I went over all this with the other guy--

TONI
I don't care if you did. I'm asking you now.

CRYSTAL
There's nothing wrong with me.

TONI
But you see, when I go back to my supervisor and say "She's a
nice-looking, clean woman who finished school and has a job,"
he's going to say, "So what exactly is her problem?"

CRYSTAL
My only problem is I lost my house. And when I applied for
the shelter, you people said, "Sorry, the shelter's full, but
why don't we take that little girl off your hands?"
 28.

TONI
You wouldn't want to be in that shelter anyway.
And you can't have a child sleep in a car. It's just not
right.

CRYSTAL
Can you at least tell me when I can see her? I stopped by on
Sunday just like you said, but the neighbor said they'd all
gone to church, so I sat there for three hours--

TONI
I'll talk to them--

CRYSTAL
And when I showed up at school they wouldn't let me see her
either--

TONI
Unscheduled visits are against our policy; it can get
upsetting for the children--

CRYSTAL
Can you at least give her this letter? And make sure those
people read it to her?

TONI
(taking the letter)
I'll see what I can do.

CRYSTAL
Is she okay, or does she seem like...

TONI
She acts out a little at school, but at home they say she's
fine.

CRYSTAL
Oh shit, I forgot the stickers.

(She gets a sheet of Hello Kitty stickers out

of her purse, takes the letter back and starts
feverishly decorating the envelope.)

TONI
Just bear in mind that we're going to need to open that
letter.

CRYSTAL
Why?
 29.

TONI
It's just policy, like everything else. And just one piece
of advice: I know you'd never say anything intentionally to
hurt her, believe me; but we try to discourage parents from
making promises they can't keep.

(Crystal clutches the letter, looking for a

moment like she might rip it up, but she gives
it back to Toni.)

CRYSTAL
I'm just telling her I've found us a house. And I'm coming to
get her soon.

TONI
All right. I'll stop by again next week, same time. If
everything looks good, then I'll make a recommendation to my
supervisor.

CRYSTAL
Great. That's great. Thank you.

(Toni gets up.)

CRYSTAL
I'll walk you out.

TONI
Don't bother, my car is out this way.
(She heads for the sliding glass door.)
But when you get a chance...you need to get a better lock
over here.
Anybody can bust this thing open with a credit card.

(Toni exits. We hear her car starting as Gary

comes downstairs.)

GARY
You're in some deep shit.

CRYSTAL
No I'm not-- what are you talking about? All I have to do is
forge a lease; that's the easiest thing in the world.

(Pause.)

CRYSTAL
You were perfect. Thank you.

GARY
I told you you didn't have to worry about me.
See, I'm the kind of guy you want in your foxhole.
... Um, that's a war reference.
 30.

(Pause.)

GARY
You have a kid.

CRYSTAL
I do.

GARY
Interesting.

CRYSTAL
Why?

GARY
I don't know. I guess I didn't think you'd ever done
anything worthwhile with your life.

CRYSTAL
Are you serious?

GARY
How old is she?

CRYSTAL
Five. She's in kindergarten.

GARY
Is she moving in?

CRYSTAL
I don't know.

GARY
For a long time I thought having kids was a bad idea, because
of overpopulation; but now I think the people who know what's
going on should have as many kids as they can, because the
revolution won't be over in one person's lifetime.

CRYSTAL
What revolution?

GARY
But you have to choose the right genes. You're a good
specimen; I can see why someone wanted to mate with you. You
have to be a pretty tough animal to keep your genetic
material alive. There's so much that can happen, like you
were saying, drinking Drano or--

CRYSTAL
That lady is unbelievable. My kid is five; she knows not to
drink the goddamned Drano.
 31.

CRYSTAL (CONT'D)
And where the hell am I supposed to find two hundred bucks
for window guards? And a bed? (Pause.)
Where did you find that bed you have?

GARY
You don't want to know.

CRYSTAL
I just have to make this sale. I have to.

(She gets out the wallet-sized photograph from

before and looks at it. Gary comes and looks
over her shoulder.)

GARY
What's her name?

CRYSTAL
Bethany.

(He takes the picture for a closer look.)

GARY
What are they teaching her in school?

CRYSTAL
...Um, the usual stuff. Two plus two.

GARY
That's what you think.

CRYSTAL
What are you talking about?

GARY
They're socializing her.
They're teaching her not to hit other kids, and to keep her
skirt down, and raise her hand when she has to go to the
bathroom.
Every single thing her body wants to do is getting smashed
down by the military-industrial complex, and the worst part
is that it happens all day, every day, to everyone, and
everyone just lets it happen.
Look at you: you go around all day with that big, fake smile
pasted across your face, selling people a bunch of crap they
don't need so you can go buy crap you don't need. "I just
have to make this sale."
You completely bought the government messages:
But what happens now? Are you gonna just curl up and die?
Or are you gonna fight back?
Because when you have to struggle for food and shelter, just
like we did millions of years ago, boom! You start getting
your mind back.
 32.

GARY (CONT'D)
And we have to take advantage of this time and fight the
system until we obliterate it.
You and me, we'll never recover a hundred percent; but your
daughter's young; she might still have a chance...
You see, it won't be a collective society anymore where
technology controls the masses. It'll just be individuals
and small groups.
And when the centers of technology and finance go down, we
need to be ready to survive.
Small, nomadic groups have the best shot at it. I know how
to trap food and I know all the edible plants.

CRYSTAL
That's great.

GARY
You said, "I don't know." How come?

CRYSTAL
I didn't say that.

GARY
No, before when I said, "Is your daughter moving in," you
said, "I don't know." How come?

CRYSTAL
I-- I haven't decided what to do yet.

GARY
I'll tell you what you should do.
You pick her up from school.
You say, "Don't worry, honey, we're never going back there
again."
Then the three of us get in your car and we start driving.
We drive until we hit wilderness. Someplace without all this
EMF radiation.
We build a shelter. Or find one.
And we've got the seeds of a new society.
XX, XX, XY.

CRYSTAL
That's really sweet, Gary.

GARY
I'm not being sweet.

CRYSTAL
I have to think about it.

GARY
Yeah, see, that's not a good answer because your mind is full
of all that system bullshit. But I'm thinking about your
daughter;
 33.

GARY (CONT'D)
and if you were thinking about what's best for her long-term
survival you'd be down on your knees thanking me right now.

CRYSTAL
I'm very grateful, I promise, I just--
Could I have that picture back?

GARY
God, women always act like there's something wrong with me.
But every time I go into a public bathroom, some guy tries to
blow me. Why is that?

CRYSTAL
Gary, right now we need to focus on getting her back.

GARY
Right.

CRYSTAL
I need your help. I really need it.
You were so great today.
We just have to stay here for one more week.

(Gary stiffens and stares out the window at

the street light, which has started to sputter
on uncertainly.)

CRYSTAL
What is it? Is someone out there?

GARY
It's happening.

CRYSTAL
What is?

GARY
They know.

CRYSTAL
Who does?

GARY
The government.

CRYSTAL
...It's just the street light. I think it's broken.

GARY
Don't say that! I know what I'm talking about! Do you want
to end up dead?

CRYSTAL
I'm sorry.
 34.

(He turns off the light over the stove.)

GARY
No lights tonight.

CRYSTAL
I won't. I promise.

GARY
I'll go upstairs and keep a lookout.
Think about what I said.

(He grabs her hand and holds it between his

hands for a minute like it's a precious
object, then lets go and runs upstairs.
Lights fade.)
 35.

SCENE SEVEN.

(Charlie's alone at his mirror again. He's

carefully tying his tie.)

CHARLIE
Are you busy after work? Because...
(He revises his approach.)
Do you like Mexican? Because...
You look like you could use a good meal.
I'll drive.
No, don't bother. Save your gas...
This car's been good to me, but it's time to trade up, you
know?
... No, I didn't even bring my checkbook today. This is just
a social visit.
(Revising.)
No, I forgot my checkbook. But I'll be sure and bring it
tomorrow.
I just felt like saying hello.
(Revising again.)
Oh, hell, I forgot it. I'll have to come back tomorrow.

(He undoes the knot and starts tying his tie

all over again.)

CHARLIE
Did you get enough to eat?
Another margarita?
...In that case, why don't I just take you home?
(Revising.)
You know, instead of going to get your car, why don't I just
drive you straight home?
A lot of bored cops on the road these days, waiting to pull
someone over.
...I don't know. Let's do a little drunk test. Close your
eyes.
Now hold out your arms like this.
Now see if you can touch your nose.
...That does it. I'm driving you home.

(Blackout.)
 36.

SCENE EIGHT.

(Outside the house. Night. Charlie walks up

to the sliding glass door with Crystal,
holding her elbow as if he's helping an old
lady across the street.)

CRYSTAL
Okay, I'm good now. Thanks.

CHARLIE
It's so dark out here.

CRYSTAL
That stupid bulb must have burned out.

CHARLIE
Nice house.

CRYSTAL
Thanks. I really like it here.

(Pause. She holds out her hand for a

handshake.)

CRYSTAL
Well... thanks again for dinner. It's been a pleasure
working with you.

(He laughs at this and she joins in, lightly.)

CHARLIE
Would you mind if I just came in and used your restroom?

CRYSTAL
...Oh. Sure.

CHARLIE
I'll be careful not to wake up your daughter.

CRYSTAL
Oh, she's not here... she's at a sleepover.

(She starts automatically to reach for her ID

card, but stops herself. At a loss, she
feigns digging through her purse for an
imaginary key.)

CRYSTAL
Oh shit. I don't have my house key.

CHARLIE
That's a setback.
 37.

CRYSTAL
I must have left it in my car.

CHARLIE
Do you need me to break in?

CRYSTAL
No, I... , you know what? My roommate's probably here, he
can let me in.
(She starts knocking.)
Gary! ... Gary!

CHARLIE
(to himself)
Roommate.

(Gary comes down from upstairs looking worse

than ever, disheveled and confused. He's
holding the two-by-four.)

CRYSTAL
Gary, it's me! Open the door!

(Gary comes through the kitchen, stares at

Charlie, and after an eternity, opens the
door. Charlie offers Gary his hand.)

CHARLIE
Sorry to wake you. Crystal forgot her key.

CRYSTAL
Gary, this is Charlie. He's a client from work.

(Gary doesn't take Charlie's hand.)

CHARLIE
So. Bathroom?

CRYSTAL
Straight ahead on your left.

(Charlie exits.)

CRYSTAL
Gary, I need you to be my helper again, okay? You're my
roommate, and you're a nice guy, not hostile; and-- you know
what? Just go back to bed. Go.

GARY
What's he doing here?
 38.

CRYSTAL
He gave me a ride. It's complicated. It's really good that
he knows you're here, but now I need you to clear out, let me
handle him.

GARY
Which of his parts do you plan to "handle"?

CRYSTAL
That's disgusting, please, just go--

GARY
I'll be listening.

CRYSTAL
Gary--

(He goes upstairs and Crystal composes herself

as Charlie returns. Charlie takes the scenic
route, peering into the living room and
looking around.)

CRYSTAL
I just moved in.

CHARLIE
That guy a friend of yours?

CRYSTAL
You know... he's more of a family friend.
He's new in town. So I agreed to let him stay with us for a
little while.

CHARLIE
He's a little strange.

CRYSTAL
Oh, he's only like that when you wake him up.

CHARLIE
I don't know if you really want him around your daughter, you
know what I mean?

CRYSTAL
(softly)
I know.

(Pause.)

CHARLIE
You mind if I sit down for a minute? I have a long ride
home.
 39.

CRYSTAL
I'm sorry you went out of your way.

CHARLIE
No trouble. My back just locks up if I drive too much.

CRYSTAL
That's why you need that adjustable lumbar seat.

CHARLIE
I don't know. I might have blown my car budget tonight on
all those margaritas.

(Pause.)

CRYSTAL
Can I get you a glass of water or anything?

CHARLIE
Sure.

CRYSTAL
I hope you don't have an early day tomorrow.

CHARLIE
No, just prep work for that keynote address I have on Monday.

CRYSTAL
Who is it for again?

CHARLIE
United Federation of Soybean Suppliers. It's a tri-state
organization.

CRYSTAL
Wow.

CHARLIE
It's their quarterly meeting, and the theme is "Keeping
Optimistic in Hard Times."

CRYSTAL
And you're the keynote speaker. That's amazing.

CHARLIE
It's a nice gig. I'm hoping they'll have me back sometime,
because I also do a speech on relating sports trivia to your
life.

CRYSTAL
What's your speech about? Is it like the Holiday Inn one?

CHARLIE
Kind of. It's called "Getting the Wealth of Your Dreams."
 40.

CRYSTAL
Can you do some of it for me?

CHARLIE
Sure, if you want to pay my speaker's fee-

CRYSTAL
(laughing)
Oh, great--

CHARLIE
I'm serious. I do private sessions.
See, the secret laws that allow you to create prosperity are
simple to use.
Anyone can do it; you just have to be ready to receive the
transmission.
But one of the laws is the "Law of Compensation."
So in other words, I can't just give it away.
You have to commit-- emotionally, mentally, spiritually and
financially-- or the laws won't work.
You should think about doing some sessions with me, though.
I could triple your commissions, overnight.

CRYSTAL
I'll think about it.

CHARLIE
I have powerful intuition about people, and I keep having
this feeling like I was meant to meet you... like there's
something I have to teach you... or maybe something you have
to teach me.

CRYSTAL
Well, I don't have much of a budget for extras right now.

CHARLIE
Maybe we should work out a trade. Say, a dozen sessions for
a new car?

CRYSTAL
If it was my car, instead of the dealer's, I'd be all over
that.

CHARLIE
All over it, huh?

(Pause.)

CRYSTAL
More water?
 41.

CHARLIE
Sure. Unless you have something stronger.
Your buddy upstairs looks like he might know where to score
some weed.

CRYSTAL
You have a long ride home, so that's probably a bad idea.

CHARLIE
I actually drive better with a little something on board, you
know what I mean?

CRYSTAL
Well, driving your new Sky RedLine is gonna be the best high
you've ever had.

CHARLIE
This is starting to seem like kind of a hard sell, you know?
I'm sick of hearing about the goddamned car.

CRYSTAL
Okay.

CHARLIE
Let me ask you this:
If I had come in today and said, "Look, I've decided to go
with a Honda instead," would you have still gone out to
dinner with me?

(Pause.)

CRYSTAL
But it's so important right now to buy American.

CHARLIE
Is that your answer?

CRYSTAL
What's the question?

CHARLIE
I get it.

(Pause.)

CHARLIE
The thing about the Honda dealership is, they're willing to
negotiate.

CRYSTAL
What our customers have found is that the places that say
they negotiate are really just jacking up the price to begin
with, so that's the great thing about Saturn: total price
transparency. We put it all right there on a sheet of paper.
 42.

CHARLIE
So in other words, you're not willing to negotiate.

CRYSTAL
...I might be able to throw in some free Saturn merchandise.

CHARLIE
Like what? A travel mug?

CRYSTAL
But if buying American is something that doesn't matter to
you then I don't know what else I can say. If you want to
buy something that came from a factory in Oki-saka-whatever,
then go right ahead. But when you buy a Saturn you're buying
American ingenuity and American jobs; from the person who
hands you the keys all the way back to the guys on the line
in Spring Hill, Tennessee; it's like a family. And when you
buy a Saturn, you can feel yourself becoming a part of that
family; we even do a little sort of 'thing' when you buy a
car, everyone on the floor stands around and does this...

CHARLIE
What?

CRYSTAL
Well, it's supposed to be a surprise.

CHARLIE
Tell me.

CRYSTAL
We just sing a little song.

CHARLIE
How does it go?

CRYSTAL
You need a lot of people to do it, and I'm a bad singer.

CHARLIE
Do you want me to buy this car?

CRYSTAL
...Yes.

CHARLIE
Then sing me a song.

(Hesitantly, she stands in front of him and

sings the following, to the tune of "La
Cucaracha." There's some humiliating
choreography involving hand-clapping.)
 43.

CRYSTAL
You bought a Saturn, you bought a Saturn,
Put our service to the test.
You bought a Saturn, you bought a Saturn,
Saturn owners are the best!
Go-o-o-o-o, Saturn!
Yay!

(Pause.)

CHARLIE
Not bad.
Can you do that last part again?

CRYSTAL
Charlie, I don't think you're really undecided.
I think you know exactly what you want to do.
I've told you about the features of this car until I'm blue
in the face--

CHARLIE
Stop right there.
You see, I'm not really interested in the features. I'm
interested in the benefits.

CRYSTAL
So you want to know how this car is going to change your
life.

CHARLIE
Exactly.

CRYSTAL
Oh, Charlie.
You've hit on the exact reason why I love selling cars.
Because other than a house, I think a car is the single most
life-enhancing purchase a person can make.
Your car is like a second skin. You're in it every day.
You live in it, you escape in it, you can even sleep in it...
I've done that.
It's one of the most important decisions you'll ever make.
If you have a family, it can change your relationship with
your kids.
If you're a single guy, it can be the thing that gets you
laid.
It's the face you show the world. It's you.

CHARLIE
Can you be more specific?
How exactly is this car going to get me laid?

CRYSTAL
It's a really hot car. Women are going to love it.
 44.

CHARLIE
Like you, for example.

CRYSTAL
Obviously I think it's a great car.

CHARLIE
So if I buy this car, you'll be all over me like a cheap
suit.

CRYSTAL
...I'm not really in the market these days for any kind of...
romantic entanglements...

CHARLIE
Why? Because of that guy upstairs?

CRYSTAL
Oh, God no.

CHARLIE
So what's the problem?
I took you out for a nice dinner and drove you home, but no,
that's not enough for you.
You want me to buy a car first.

CRYSTAL
It's not like that, I was just trying to help you make your
decision--

CHARLIE
Just as a charity thing, out of the goodness of your heart.
Because it's not like this sale is going to make your month
or anything, oh no... I mean that dealership is just teeming
with customers...

CRYSTAL
Of course I want to make the sale, but I like you, Charlie,
I'm just not--

CHARLIE
How much do you like me? Because I like you about thirty-two
thousand, five hundred and ninety four dollars plus tax.
Do you want me to sign?

CRYSTAL
Yes I do.

CHARLIE
So where do we go?
My place is no good.
(indicating the living room)
In there?
 45.

(She doesn't move. Gary comes in with his two-

by-four.)

GARY
(to Charlie)
Get out.

CHARLIE
Easy there.

GARY
Get out before I hurt you.

CRYSTAL
Gary, don't be stupid; put that thing down-

CHARLIE
(to Crystal)
Let's go.

CRYSTAL
Gary, I wasn't-- it wasn't what you think-

GARY
(to Crystal)
I heard what you said.

CRYSTAL
What am I supposed to do?

CHARLIE
I'm out of here.
Are you coming?

(She looks bewildered.)

CHARLIE
Last call.

GARY
Get the fuck out of here!

(Gary lifts up the two-by-four, but Crystal

grabs his arm. She holds him for a moment in
a sort of restraining embrace, looking into
his face, keeping his arms at his sides.)

CRYSTAL
Shhh. It's all going to be okay. I promise.

(She lets go of him, grabs her purse, and

leaves with Charlie. The sliding glass door
closes. Gary flings the two-by-four after
them.
 46.

The glass cracks into a suspended bullseye.

He starts opening the cabinets and flinging
the contents around the room, creating as much
destruction as he can. Blackout.)
 47.

SCENE NINE.

(The dealership. The next morning. Shannon's

on the sales floor. Crystal enters, looking
haggard.)

SHANNON
Long night?

CRYSTAL
Kind of, why?

SHANNON
I just wondered, since you're wearing the exact same outfit
you had on yesterday.

(Crystal looks at her with unveiled

hostility.)

CRYSTAL
Has anyone come by to drop off a check?

SHANNON
Today? No.
But someone's here to see you.

CRYSTAL
Thank God.

(Shannon points out a middle-aged woman who's

been standing some distance away, watching
them and listening.)

SHANNON
She was asking about you.

(Crystal approaches the woman with her hand

out.)

CRYSTAL
Hi, I'm Crystal. Is there a specific model you'd like to
hear more about?

PATRICIA
Are you a friend of Charlie's?

(Pause.)

CRYSTAL
Shannon, could you give us a moment please?

SHANNON
...O...kay.
 48.

(She exits.)

CRYSTAL
What's this about?
Did he send you here?

PATRICIA
No.

CRYSTAL
Are you--

PATRICIA
I'm his wife.

(Crystal finds a chair and sits down.)

PATRICIA
I checked his GPS. I know he's been spending all this time
here but when I ask him about his day he just tells me he's
been at the library or the Y.
He likes to have his secrets. I go easy on him.
He got laid off eighteen months ago, and that's so hard on a
man's ego.
Now he wants to go around giving these "speeches," but
honestly, no one will even give him the time of day;
companies don't have money for that kind of silliness right
now.
We're okay, thank God; my investment advisor is a genius; but
I know it hurts when he has to ask me for money just so he
can pick up the dry cleaning.
Please don't tell him I came here. I just... got nervous, I
guess.
He didn't come home until two o'clock last night, He said he
had a few drinks with an old friend and then his friend's car
got towed... but I just had this feeling that his friend was
not a man. I think he tells little lies sometimes, just so I
won't get jealous.
And I couldn't help hearing that you're wearing the same
clothes you had on yesterday, so I think maybe you're the
friend he was helping, is that right?

(Crystal doesn't answer.)

PATRICIA
I had my car towed once, so I know what a pain it is, you
have to get someone to drive you all the way across town...
But he's that kind of guy. He makes friends wherever he
goes.
And I think for a man his age to spend time talking with
pretty young women, maybe even flirting a little bit... if it
makes him feel better about himself, there's nothing wrong
with it.
But now...
 49.

PATRICIA (CONT'D)
I know you'll think this is really out of line, but I looked
up his GPS addresses from last night and one of them is a
motel. So I'm thinking it all makes sense, because maybe you
couldn't get home for some reason because of the car
situation, and he's a gentleman, he wouldn't go home until he
was sure that you at least had a safe place to spend the
night.
The only thing that doesn't make sense is why he's been
coming here in the first place, because he's certainly not in
the market for a new car; I'm the one who needs an upgrade;
but my birthday is coming up next month, so it occurred to me
that maybe he's planning some kind of surprise-- and if that
is true, you have to tell me so I can put a stop to it,
because we do not have that kind of money right now.
But that's how he is, even after twenty-two years of
marriage.
So I suppose what I'm saying is: if there's anything I should
know, you can tell me.

(Pause.)

CRYSTAL
How much do you want to know?

PATRICIA
... I don't think I want to know anything...

CRYSTAL
Well, you came here, so I think you do--

PATRICIA
No, I don't, thanks for your time, but I'll just-- I'll just
go now--

(She starts to leave.)

CRYSTAL
Look, I'm sorry, but I don't have much time. I'll tell you
the truth if you want, but this is a one-time offer. Now or
never.

(Patricia looks at Crystal. A long pause.)

CRYSTAL
I love him. With all my heart. And he loves me. We've, uh--
We've been planning to run away together.

PATRICIA
Oh no...

CRYSTAL
We've been planning it for months now.
 50.

PATRICIA
...Oh no, oh no...

CRYSTAL
I'm so sorry.

(Patricia is overcome. She sinks into a

chair.)

CRYSTAL
I didn't know he was married, at least-- not at first.
We met at one of his speeches.
He said he-- he had this feeling like he was-- supposed to
meet me.
Like there was something we were supposed to teach each
other.
You know how he is...
We both tried to resist it for so long...
And he said-- he said he couldn't bring himself to tell you.
He was just going to leave a note.
But I have to tell you... what's your name?

PATRICIA
...Patricia.

CRYSTAL
Patricia, I have to tell you that until today, I would have
thought that nothing in the world could keep us apart.
It's just... so powerful.
Only now that you're here, and I've seen you,
I just don't know.
(Pause.)
I can see how much you love him.
And it makes me angry that he would turn his back on that.

PATRICIA
... It's not his fault; I think I just... love him too much
sometimes. I've been working on that.

CRYSTAL
No, you're right, it's not his fault. It's my fault.
Because men-- we know how they are, right?
They're like children.
And it's up to us to keep them on track, isn't it?

PATRICIA
I guess so.

CRYSTAL
So what are we going to do?
(Pause.)
Oh Patricia, you're going to think this is crazy, and it's
the hardest thing I've ever done,
but I have to do it. I see that now...
 51.

CRYSTAL (CONT'D)
I need to leave town. Just disappear and never see him
again.
If I stay, eventually we'll run into each other and the whole
thing will start all over again.

PATRICIA
Where would you go?

CRYSTAL
Well, you see, that's the problem. I don't know.
You see... I'm sorry, bear with me--
I'm just thinking out loud here...
We've been planning to leave town together...
So I sold my house at a huge loss, and I've given my notice
here at work;
I don't have any savings at all; but he said not to worry,
he'd take care of everything.

PATRICIA
How did he think he was going to do that?

CRYSTAL
I don't know, but the point is: because of him, I have
nothing.

(Pause.)

PATRICIA
Do you need me to buy you a bus ticket or...

CRYSTAL
Patricia, how would you manage if you took a bus to someplace
where you didn't know anyone, and then got out and stood
there with no money?
No, it's not going to work. I'll just have to stay here and
try my best to break it off with him. Promise me you won't
worry, Patricia, because I hate to think of you sitting at
home and worrying every time he's fifteen minutes late,
worrying that he's with me. I would hate to think that I'm
haunting you like that, maybe for years, maybe even for the
rest of your life.

PATRICIA
How much do you need?

CRYSTAL
Oh Patricia, I can't take money from you.

PATRICIA
Tell me.
 52.

CRYSTAL
Well, let's see... first month's rent, food... and the job
market is so terrible; I'm sure I'll be out of work for a
long time...

PATRICIA
Five thousand?

CRYSTAL
That would be gone in a heartbeat. Plus there's childcare; I
have a daughter.

PATRICIA
Just say a number.

CRYSTAL
I don't see how I can do it for less than ten.

(Patricia shakes her head.)

CRYSTAL
You see? It's impossible. Excuse me. I'd better go beg for
my job back.

PATRICIA
Assuming I could get it-- and I have no idea if that's true--
how soon would you be gone?

CRYSTAL
A few weeks.

(Patricia makes a move to leave.)

CRYSTAL (CONT'D)
But if I had the money, let's say... tomorrow, I could do it
a lot faster.

PATRICIA
I have to think.

CRYSTAL
Don't think too much about it, Patricia, or you'll start to
hate me.
I can tell you're a smart woman.
If you really listen to yourself, I know you'll make the
right choice.

(Patricia exits.)
 53.

SCENE TEN.

(Evening of the same day. CRYSTAL comes home.

She sees the bullseye of broken glass in the
sliding glass door. She pushes the door open.
The kitchen is trashed. The word "WHORE" has
been written in huge letters on the cabinets,
daubed in some dark substance. She comes
closer, trying to figure out what the
substance is, and then quickly recoils. She's
shaking. She finds paper towels and spray
cleaner and starts cleaning off the cabinets.
GARY comes in and watches her.)

CRYSTAL
Why did you do this?

GARY
I don't know.
I thought about a few other words but they had too many
letters.

(She keeps cleaning. He watches.)

CRYSTAL
I thought I could trust you.

GARY
Yeah...
Welcome home.
Tough day at work?

(She flings everything she can reach at him--

the spray bottle and paper towels-- missing
him by a mile. For a moment, no one moves.
She goes and picks up the things again, and
goes on cleaning.)

GARY
You're lucky. I could have done so much more.

CRYSTAL
I've never been anything but kind to you.

GARY
(mimicking Charlie and Crystal)
"I don't know if he's the kind of guy you want around your
daughter." "I know!"

CRYSTAL
I was just saying what he wanted to hear.
 54.

GARY
He was never gonna buy that car.

CRYSTAL
I didn't know that.

GARY
You're a terrible prostitute.
Here's a tip: get the money up front next time.

CRYSTAL
Look: we've all done things we're not proud of.
You need to get over it, or get out of this house.

GARY
No. You get out.

(Pause.)

CRYSTAL
Gary: let's both take a minute and count to ten.
I don't want this to ruin our friendship.

GARY
Friendship. You crack me up.

CRYSTAL
It's true. Nothing's changed; I made a mistake, that's all.

GARY
Helen of Troy, Tokyo Rose.
Fucking women. It's always the same thing:
If I had a kid with you, I'd never know if it was mine.

CRYSTAL
Gary, please, I can't think about the future; I just need to
focus on right now.
We just have five more days until that lady comes back.
You were so great before; can you please just help me a
little while longer, and then I'll do anything you want, I
promise--

GARY
Why are you always calling me Gary? That's not my name.

CRYSTAL
It's not?

GARY
That's just what it says in my underwear.

CRYSTAL
What's your real name?
 55.

GARY
I don't know.

(Pause.)

CRYSTAL
I think you need to eat something.
Can I fix you some dinner?-

(She opens the refrigerator door, and a big

mess of something flops and oozes out onto the
floor.)

GARY
Surprise.

(She slams the door. She doesn't speak for a

moment.)

CRYSTAL
Why don't we go out and I'll buy you something to eat?

GARY
Negative.

CRYSTAL
Come on. I'll drive you. You won't even have to get out of
the car.

GARY
You think I'm so stupid.
You had me going for a while there.
You're sick, you make me sick, you're a sickness.
She needs a piece of the teacher, the greens are too much,
But she can't eat, can't eat, she can't help it,
She's gonna turn out just like you...
Someone needs to help that little girl...

CRYSTAL
She needs your help, Gary, so why don't we go help her. We
can go right now.

GARY
No way, no, no way, Mata Hari.
Why do you want her so badly?
What are you gonna do to her?

CRYSTAL
She needs me.

GARY
Nobody needs anyone, least of all you, fucking white-bread
government whore.
 56.

CRYSTAL
That's not true.

GARY
We're done. Get out of my house.

(She doesn't move.)

GARY
Get out.

CRYSTAL
Please, Gary-

(He suddenly runs at her, trying to push her

out by force. She resists and pushes him off.
He stares at her for a moment, shocked. He
lunges at her again, trying to choke her.
They grapple and struggle for a while,
slipping on the detritus that still litters
the floor. She manages to push him backward
and he falls, hitting the back of his neck
against the edge of the counter. He falls to
the ground. She grabs Gary's two-by-four off
the counter and watches him. He doesn't move.

Outside, the street light flicks on. She

stares at it for a moment, then keeps watching
Gary.

He twitches. She goes over to him, lifts the

two-by-four, and swings it down as hard as she
can, bludgeoning him over and over.

The street light blinks off, then on again.

She staggers away and begins to clean up the
kitchen.)

CRYSTAL
Oh God.

(She goes on cleaning. She looks back at

Gary. She goes to him and looks at him
closely.)

CRYSTAL
Oh God oh god oh god-

(She goes back to cleaning. The street light

blinks off/on again. She stares at it. She
goes on cleaning. Elsewhere lights also rise
on CHARLIE, alone at his mirror.)
 57.

CHARLIE
Let me tell you something:
The hardest part of making your dreams come true is simply
believing that you deserve it.
The first time someone offered me these secrets, I was
resistant.
I didn't accept what they had to offer, because I couldn't
accept my own personal potential.
Now, that was stupid, wasn't it?
When a gift is offered to you, you should accept it.

(Crystal stops, goes back to Gary, hooks her

arms under his armpits and drags his dead
body, with difficulty, out of the kitchen.
Throughout all this the street light keeps
blinking on and off, seemingly at random.)

CHARLIE
And you tell yourself: this is the Universe taking care of
me, giving me everything I deserve.
 58.

SCENE ELEVEN.

(Lights change. The Saturn dealership.

Shannon is alone, wearing a party hat and
holding a drink. She sings the Saturn song to
herself, making up her own choreography, which
is slightly more lascivious than Crystal's.
While she sings, Crystal enters.)

SHANNON
You bought a Saturn, you bought a Saturn,
Put our service to the test,
You bought a Saturn...

(She sees Crystal.)

SHANNON
Hey, Crystal.
Happy Last Day.
Drinks are in the lounge.

(Crystal gives her a dazed stare and keeps

going, back toward the offices.)

SHANNON
Oh! Check your box.
Some lady dropped off an envelope for you.

(Pause.)

CRYSTAL
Thanks.

(Crystal exits.)

SHANNON
Anytime.
 59.

SCENE TWELVE.

(The kitchen. Early evening, just before

dusk. Toni and Crystal sit at the kitchen
table. Toni makes notes in a folder. Crystal
tries to sneak a glance at what she's writing,
but Toni is casually positioned to prevent
this. Finally she stops writing and closes
the folder.)

TONI
Your file looks good.
And this is your lease?

(Crystal nods and slides some papers across

the table to her.)

TONI
"Joe Parker." Huh.
I used to know a fellow by that name.

(She shrugs and tucks the lease into the file.

They look at each other for a moment.)

CRYSTAL
So what's next?

TONI
We're done.

CRYSTAL
Done?

TONI
I'll tell my supervisor you've remediated all the problems we
discussed.
And I'll recommend reinstatement of custody.

CRYSTAL
So I can go get her?

TONI
We'll need to schedule a time. It'll probably take a day or
two.
(Pause.)
Crystal?
Are you all right?
I know it's hard, dealing with all this.
It probably seems like it's been going on forever.

(Crystal can't speak. Toni pats her on the

hand.)
 60.

TONI
Look at everything you've done. You've turned your whole
life around.

CRYSTAL
I'd do anything for her.

TONI
I know you would.

(Pause.)

TONI
Well. I'd better get on the road. Three more stops on my
way home. Goddamned budget cuts.

(They get up and move to the sliding glass

door. Toni sees the splintered bullseye in
the glass.)

CRYSTAL
Oh... I forgot to tell you...
I'm getting this fixed. They're coming tomorrow.

TONI
Bird?

CRYSTAL
Pardon?

TONI
Did a bird fly into it?

CRYSTAL
Yes.
It was so sad.

(Toni steps outside.)

TONI
Take care now.

(Crystal manages a polite half-smile but

doesn't answer. She stands framed in the
doorway, watching Toni leave. She waves as
Toni drives away. It's darker out now. For a
long moment, Crystal seems frozen, almost
catatonic, rooted in the doorway. The street
light blinks on. She stares at it. She
slides the door closed and locks it.
Blackout.)

END OF PLAY.