Sample question
Question
Write the opening part of a story about a place during a storm.
Attempt one
It was windy and wet and the road was full of big puddles. Walking along whistling he was making
his way home from school in a bit of a dream. He’d got out early because of the bad weather. Which
is why he’s whistling. He doesn’t much like wind or rain but he likes being let out of school early.
That’s when it happens this car comes out of nowhere and just drove right through the biggest
puddle you’d ever seen. It splashed up him as he stands there drenched not knowing what had hit
him, he just knew he’d be in for it when he got home because his new parka was filthy and his mum
would be furious.
Feedback - basic
Shows an awareness of the purpose of the task and begins to write an entertaining story.
Uses some figurative language, eg alliteration ‘windy and wet’.
Uses some variety of sentence structure, eg starts with verb ‘Walking along’.
Some variety of vocabulary.
The ideas are linked well and the structure of the paragraph is good.
To improve
More control of the narrative voice is needed. Verb tenses vary from present to past and
should use one or the other.
More sentence variety would make this a livelier piece.
More attention to punctuation needed – some confusion between commas and full stops.
Vocabulary choices could be more ambitious.
Attempt two
The wind howled and the rain battered down. The roads were more like a lake than a city centre –
full of puddles. Walking along whistling, a schoolboy was making his way home from school. He was
in a bit of a dream. He’d been let out early because of the bad weather. He didn’t much like the wind
or the rain but he was thrilled at being let out early. That was why he was whistling. You would think
it was a summer’s day! That was when it happened. The car came out of nowhere and just drove
right through what was more like a miniature lake than a puddle. The water just flew up from the
road and showered over the boy who stood there drenched. He didn’t know what to do but he knew
he’d be told off when he got home. He was wearing his brand new parka which his mum and dad
bought him for his birthday at the weekend.
Feedback - improving
Communicates in a clear and effective way and matches the purpose of entertaining with
the story form and the intended audience.
Images and ideas link to create a well-structured narrative.
Sentences are more varied in length creating a lively voice and helping the story to flow.
Vocabulary choices and imagery are increasing in variety and begin to be ambitious (eg
‘howled’, ‘like a miniature lake’).
To improve
More variety in sentence types and structure is needed – many of the sentences in the first
paragraph begin with ‘he’.
Paragraphs could be used to build tension.
The writer should try to include the senses and aim to use more figurative language.
Attempt three
The wind howled like a banshee turning the rain into a salvo of bullets. Was this a November day in
Oxford? It was more like the monsoon season in Delhi! The roads were covered in puddles the size of
small lakes. Walking along and seemingly unaware of it all was a schoolboy. Whistling as he strolled
along, hands in his pockets, he was casually making his way home from school. To say he was in a bit
of a dream was an understatement. He’d been let out early because of the bad weather and,
although he didn’t much like either wind or rain he was in his new parka and, best of all, he was
thrilled to the core at being let out of school early. That was why he was whistling. To him it was a
summer’s day!
That was when it happened.
A car came out of nowhere and drove right through a puddle that was doing a very good impression
of a miniature lake. The water leapt up from the road with a life of its own and drenched the day-
dreaming boy. He was jolted out of his reverie and stood there dazed and drenched. He didn’t know
what to do, but he knew he’d be in for it when he got home. His brand new parka had turned from
green to a kind of dirty khaki-brown. This wasn’t going to be fun. The parka had been a very
expensive present from mum and dad.
Feedback - even better
The story is absorbing and convincing.
It maintains a consistent viewpoint.
The tone, style and voice all match purpose, form and audience to create an engaging
narrative.
The sentences are varied in length and type to create a lively style.
Punctuation is accurate throughout and sophisticated in places.
Spelling is accurate and vocabulary choices are ambitious (eg ‘banshee’, ‘understatement’,
‘reverie’ and ‘khaki-brown’).
The description is impressive with some good uses of figurative language eg ‘like a banshee’,
‘thrilled to the core’, ‘leapt up’ and ‘dazed and drenched’).