2CHRIS: Oh, my God!

[
1
]

(Suddenly, Charley's bedroom door opens on the second landing and KEN GORMAN, about
forty, dressed smartly in a tuxedo but looking flushed and excited, comes out to the rail. THEY
BOTH speak rapidly.)
[
2
]

KEN: Did he call yet?

[
2
]

CHRIS: Wouldn't I have yelled up?

[
2
]

KEN: Call him again.

[
2
]

CHRIS: I called him twice. They're looking for him.

[
2
]

KEN: How is he?

[
2
]

CHRIS: I'm not sure. He's bleeding like crazy.

CHRIS: It's all over the room. I don't know why people decorate in white ... If he doesn't call in
two minutes, call the hospital.
[
2
]

KEN: I'm going to have to have a cigarette,cchris.

[
2
]
CHRIS: after eighteen months, the hell u are

(HE rushes back in, closes the door behind him. SHE returns to pacing.)
[
3
]

CHRIS: I can't believe this is happening. (SHE crosses to the cigarette box. The PHONE rings.)
Oh, God! (SHE calls out.) Ken, the phone is ringing. (But HE's gone. SHE crosses to phone and
picks it up.) Hello? Dr. Dudley? ... Oh, Dr. Dudley, I'm so glad it is you. Your service said you
were at the theatre.
[
4
]

(Charley's bedroom door opens, KEN looks out.)

[
5
]

KEN: Is that the doctor?

[
5
]

CHRIS: (Into phone.) I never would have bothered you, but this is an emergency.
[
5
]

KEN: Is that the doctor?

[
5
]

CHRIS: (Into the phone.) I'm Chris Gorman. My husband Ken and I are good friends of Charley
Brock's.
[
5
]

KEN: Is that the doctor?

[
5
]

CHRIS: (Turns, holds phone, yells at Ken.) It's the doctor! It's the doctor!
[
5
]

KEN: (Angrily.) Why didn't you say so? (HE goes back in, closes the door.)
[
5
]

CHRIS: (Into the phone.) Dr. Dudley, I'm afraid there's been an accident ... I would have called
my own doctor, but my husband is a lawyer and under the circumstances, he thought it better to
have Charley's own physician ... Well, we just arrived here at Charley's house about ten minutes
ago, and as we were getting out of our car, we suddenly heard this enormous -
[
6
]

(KEN suddenly comes out of the bedroom)

[
7
]

KEN: Don't say anything!

[
7
]

CHRIS: (To Ken.) What?

[
7
]

KEN: Don't tell him what happened!

[
7
]

CHRIS: Don't tell him?

[
7
]

KEN: Just do what I say.

[
7
]

CHRIS: What about Charley?

[
7
]

KEN: He's all right. It's just a powder burn. Don't tell him about the gunshot.
[
7
]

CHRIS: But they got the doctor out of the theatre.

[
7
]

KEN: Tell him he tripped down the stairs and banged his head. He's all right.
[
7
]

CHRIS: But what about the blood?

[
7
]

KEN: The bullet went through his ear lobe. It's nothing. I don't want him to know.
[
7
]

CHRIS: But I already said we were getting out of the car and we suddenly heard an enormous -
what? What did we hear?
[
7
]

KEN: (Coming downstairs.) We heard ...

[
7
]

CHRIS: (Into phone.) Just a minute, doctor.

[
7
]

KEN: (Thinks, coming downstairs.) We heard ... we heard ... we heard an enormous - thud!
[
7
]

CHRIS: Thud?
[
7
]

KEN: When he tripped down the stairs.

[
7
]

CHRIS: Good. Good. That's good. (Into phone.) Dr. Dudley? I'm sorry. I was talking to my
husband. Well, we heard this enormous thud! It seemed Charley tripped going up the stairs.
[
7
]

KEN: Down! Down the stairs.

[
7
]

CHRIS: Down the stairs. But he's all right.

[
7
]
CHRIS. If he drowns, you're making that call.
(KEN goes into the bedroom.)
CHRIS. I don't know why we're always the first ones here. (SHE fixes the vodka.) Never came
late once in our lives. Someone else could have dealt with all this. (SHE goes to the cigarette
box once more, the DOORBELL rings. SHE jumps.) Oh, SHIT! Shit shit shit shit!
(The upstairs door opens, KEN comes out.)
KEN. Who's that? Who is that?
CHRIS. Am I near the door? Do you see people in here? You think I'm on roller skates?
KEN. Let me think a minute.
CHRIS. Take your time because I don't answer doors. I only speak to Dr. Dudley.
KEN. All right. It's got to be Lenny or Ernie, one of the others. We've got to open the door.
CHRIS. You've got arms, reach down.
KEN. I've got to dry Charley off and bandage his ear. Don't tell them what happened. I need a
few minutes to figure this out. Can't you stall them?
CHRIS. His best friends are coming to his tenth anniversary, his wife isn't here, he shoots
himself in the ear lobe and I'm supposed to make small talk when they come in?
KEN. Attempted suicide is a criminal offense, not to mention a pretty ugly scandal. Charley's
Deputy Mayor of New York. He's my client and my best friend, I've got to protect him, don't I?
Just play the hostess for a few minutes until I figure out how to handle this.

CHRIS. Play the hostess? There's no food out, there's no ice in the bucket. Where's the help?
Where's the cheese dip? Where's Myra? What am I supposed to do till you get back, play
charades? I'm lucky I can still speak English.
KEN. You're a lawyer yourself, can't you figure out something to say?
CHRIS. Contracts! I draw up legal publishing contracts. If someone walks in the door and wants
to make a deal, I CAN HANDLE THAT!!
KEN. Take it easy. Calm down. I'll be right back.
(The DOORBELL rings again.)
CHRIS. Put some slippers on Charley and tell him to answer it.
KEN. (Yells.) Would you relax? Drink my vodka. CHRIS. Why is a vodka better than two puffs of
a cigarette?
KEN. Because they know you quit and if they see smoke in here, they'll know something is
wrong.
CHRIS. You mean falling at their feet is going to look better?
(The DOORBELL rings impatiently.
KEN runs into the bedroom and closes the door. CHRIS crosses to the front door. SHE opens it.
CLAIRE rushes into the living room. SHE's an attractive woman in an evening gown. SHE holds
a handkerchief to the side of her mouth, a purse in the other hand.)

Scene 2: The Guests Arrive and Rumors Spread

(The DOORBELL rings impatiently. KEN runs into the bedroom and closes the door. CHRIS
crosses to the front door. SHE opens it. CLAIRE rushes into the living room. SHE's an attractive
woman in an evening gown. SHE holds a handkerchief to the side of her mouth, a purse in the
other hand.)
[
8
]

CHRIS: Claire, darling, you look beautiful. Where's Lenny?

[
9
]

CLAIRE: (Coming in.) In the car. We had an accident. Brand new BMW, two days old, the side
door is smashed in. Don't tell Charley and Myra, I don't want to ruin tonight for them. (SHE
crosses to mirror and looks at her face.)
[
9
]

CHRIS: Oh, my God! Are you hurt?

[
9
]

CLAIRE: My lip is swelling up. (Looks in the wall mirror.) Oh, Jesus, I look like a trumpet player.
[
9
]

CHRIS: Where's Lenny?

[
9
]

CLAIRE: He's coming. He's walking slowly, he's got whiplash. His seat belt went right around his
neck, and pulled him straight up. I left him dangling.
[
9
]
Charley! Hi, Myra! We're here, kids.
CHRIS. They're upstairs, Lenny.
LENNY. (To Chris.) Did she tell you what happened? Some stupid bastard shoots out of his
garage like a Polaris rocket. I've got four doors on one side of the car now. CHRIS. How does
your neck feel?
LENNY. Stretched out, over to one side. I look like a Modigliani painting. (HE crosses to the
phone.) CHRIS. Do you want a drink?
18
LENNY. I don't think I could swallow past my shoulders.
CLAIRE. Of all nights to happen.
LENNY. Here's their gift. Steuben glass. (HE shakes box. We hear broken glass RATTLE.) If
someone brings them a bottle of glue, they'll have a nice gift. (HE starts to dial, carefully.)
CLAIRÉ. (Looks at her mouth in a hand mirror.) I could have lost the tip of my tongue. I'd be
speaking Gaelic the rest of my life.
LENNY. (Waiting for his call.) A brand new, spotless car, never touched by human hands. Buffed
and polished by German women in Munich and now it looks like a war memorial. (Into phone.)
Hello? This is Leonard Ganz. Is Dr. Dudley there, please?
CHRIS. Dr. Dudley?

PROCEEDS TO CALL [Link] BC LENNY HAD AN ACCIDENT

CHRIS. I know. Her mother was visiting Japan.

19
LENNY. (Still bracing his neck.) I can only look up. I hope tall people are coming to this party...
Where's Ken? CHRIS. Ken? He went to the bathroom.
LENNY. And where's Charley and Myra? CHRIS. They're still getting dressed.
LENNY. They're not ready? We had a car accident and
we're on time.
CLAIRE. (Looks in hand mirror again.) My lip is getting gigantic. I don't think I have enough
lipstick to
cover it.
LENNY. No nuts or pretzels? I didn't even have lunch today. Three goddam audits with the IRS
on an empty stomach. (HE gets up.) Claire, get me a Diet Coke, please, and something to
munch on. (HE starts for the stairs.)
CHRIS. Where are you going?
LENNY. To the john. I haven't had a chance to do that
either.
CHRIS. There's a guest powder room down here. LENNY. Isn't Ken using that?
CHRIS. No, he's using the one in the guest bedroom upstairs.
LENNY. (Pointing to the powder room.) Why didn't he use this one?
CHRIS. I don't know. He said he had to go badly and he ran upstairs.
LENNY. If he had to go so bad, the one downstairs is closer.
CHRIS. You know how it is when you have to go badly. You don't want to stop running.
LENNY. But this is a shorter run.
CLAIRE. Lenny, it's not an Olympic event. Why don't you just go?
]

Scene 3: The Cover-up Escalates

(The guest room door opens and KEN steps out onto the landing.)
[
11
]

KEN: (Affably.) How you two doing?

[
11
]

LENNY: Hey! Just fine, Ken.

[
11
]

KEN: Had anything to eat yet?

[
11
]

LENNY: Just a plastic bag.

[
11
]

KEN: Great! Be right back.

[

Scene 4: The Police ArriveSCRIPT MIGHT END HERE IF IT DOESNT WE JS ACT OUT
POLICE
(The DOORBELL chimes.)
[
12
]

CHRIS: I'm very serious about this, but I'm not going to be able to hold my bladder.
[
12
]

ERNIE: All right, I've got it. We tell them we never ! card the gunshots.
[
12
]

CLAIRE: You mean lie to them?

[
12
]

LENNY: What happened to "this above all?"

[
12
]

ERNIE: It won't work tonight. Maybe some other time.

[
12
]

CHRIS: If you let me go to the bathroom, I promise I'll come back.

[
12
]

GLENN: (Still on the phone.) Listen, I know you're a good friend. And I thank you for all your
wonderful support.
[
12
]

LENNY: Leave him here. Let's run for our lives and leave that schmuck for the cops.
[
12
]

(The DOORBELL chimes. ALL drop to the floor.)

[
13
]
KEN: We've got to let them in.
[
13
]

LENNY: All right. Claire, open the door.

[
13
]

CLAIRE: I can't. I'm in charge of the music.

[
13
]

GLENN: The music! That's it!

[
13
]

CHRIS: What is?

[
13
]

GLENN: The music was on. We were all dancing. We couldn't hear the gunshots. Claire, put on
the music.
[
13
]

(CLAIRE turns on the stereo. It is a loud rendition of "La Bamba" ... the THREE COUPLES
dance furiously. We hear loud BANGING on the front door, and then it is opened. TWO
POLICEMEN stand there. One, OFFICER WELCH, a strong, vigorous man. The other,
OFFICER PUDNEY, is a woman in her late twenties. THEY stand watching the COUPLES
dance. NO ONE seems to notice the POLICE.)
[
14
]

WELCH: (Yells.) Can you shut that thing off, please!

[
15
]

(NO ONE notices.)

[
15
]

(KEN turns the MUSIC off. THEY ALL look surprised that the Police are in the room.)
[
16
]

ERNIE: (Indignant.) I beg your pardon. May I ask what you're doing here?
[
16
]

WELCH: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bust the door open.

[
16
]

ERNIE: Then why didn't you ring first?

[
16
]

WELCH: I did. Five times.

[
16
]

ERNIE: (Crossing near the Police.) Five times? We didn't hear it.
[
16
]

WELCH: I guess the music was on so loud, you couldn't hear anything.
[
16
]

ERNIE: Of course. The music.

[
16
]

KEN: That's why we didn't hear you.

[
16
]

CLAIRE: No wonder we didn't get any phone calls. We wouldn't hear them.
[
16
]

CHRIS: That's what it was. The music.

[
16
]

COOKIE: It was on ...

[
16
]

ALL: ... so loud.

[
16
]

ERNIE: (Congenial.) Now, what seems to be the trouble, officer?

[
16
]

WELCH: Well, just sort of routine investigation, sir. My name is Officer Welch. This is Officer
Pudney. Is this your house, sir?
[
16
]

ERNIE: My house? No, no. I live elsewhere. Other than here.

[
16
]
KEN: As I do. Live elsewhere. Could you tell us what this is about, officer?
[
16
]

Scene 5: The Grand Narrative

WELCH: All right, all right, take it easy. Calm down. I just want to ask a few questions ... May I
ask who the owner of this house is?
[
17
]

KEN: We'd be delighted to tell, Officer, but I believe it's customary first for you to inform us as to
why these questions are being asked of us.
[
17
]

WELCH: You're a lawyer, aren't you.

[
17
]

KEN: Yes, I am.

[
17
]

WELCH: Well, as a lawyer you understand you're not obligated to answer these questions. I
was hoping someone would be cooperative enough to tell me the owner's name.
[
17
]

(THEY ALL look at each other.)

[
18
]

CLAIRE: Brock. Charley Brock.

[
18
]
WELCH: Could you tell me if Mr. Brock is at home at present?
[
18
]

(THEY ALL look at each other.)

[
18
]

CLAIRE: I'm not sure. Chris, is Charley at home?

[
18
]

CHRIS: Charley? I think he went to walk the dog.

[
18
]

WELCH: Then he'll be back soon?

[
18
]

COOKIE: I don't think so. It's a Dachshund. They take very small steps.
[
18
]

KEN: (Wanting no trouble.) He's home. He came back, Officer.

[
18
]

WELCH: Well, then could I possible see Mr. Brock for a moment?
[
18
]

(Charley's bedroom door opens. LENNY stands there as Charley, wearing a robe, pajamas and
slippers, and a large bandage over his ear. THEY ALL look at him. HE looks at them, furious for
making him do this.)
[
19
]

GLENN: Hello, Charley.

[
19
]

KEN: Hi, Charley.

[
19
]

ERNIE: Feeling all right, Charley?

[
19
]

(LENNY comes slowly down the stairs.)

[
19
]

WELCH: I'm Officer Welch, Mr. Brock. This is Officer Pudney. Please sit down.
[
19
]

(LENNY sits.)
[
19
]

WELCH: Take this down, Connie.

[
20
]

(SHE takes out her notebook.)

[
21
]
WELCH: Now, Mr. Brock, tell us from the beginning exactly what happened in this house
tonight.
[
21
]

COOKIE: Does anyone want lemon tarts?

[
21
]

LENNY: Yes, a tart would be wonderful.

[
21
]

WELCH: Not now, m'am ... Go ahead, Mr. Brock.

[
21
]

LENNY: Okay ... Let's see ... the story ... as it happened ... as I remember it ... as I'm telling it ...
oh, God ... Well, here goes ... At exactly six o'clock tonight I came home from work. My wife,
Myra, was in her dressing room getting dressed for the party. I got a bottle of champagne from
the refrigerator and headed upstairs. Rosita, the Spanish cook, was in the kitchen with Ramona,
her Spanish sister and Romero, her Spanish son. They were preparing an Italian dinner. They
were waiting for Myra to tell her when to start the dinner. As I climbed the stairs, I said to myself,
"It's my tenth wedding anniversary and I can't believe I still love my wife so much." Myra was
putting on the perfume I bought her for Christmas. I purposely buy it because it drives me crazy
... I tapped on her door. Tap tap tap. She opens it. I hand her a glass of champagne. I make a
toast. (Looking at Claire.) "To the most beautiful wife a man ever had for ten years." She says,
"To the best man and the best ten years a beautiful wife ever had" ... We drink. We kiss. We
toast again. "To the loveliest skin on the loveliest body that has never aged a day in ten
wonderful years" ... She toasts, "To the gentlest hands that ever stroked the loveliest skin that
never has aged in ten wonderful years" ... We drink. We kiss. We toast ... We drink. We kiss. We
toast ... By seven o'clock the bottle is finished, my wife is sloshed and I'm completely toasted ...
And then I smell the perfume. The perfume I could never resist ... I loved her in that moment
with as much passion and ardor as the night we were first newlyweds. (Rising. To Welch.) I tell
you this, not with embarrassment, but with pride and joy for a love that grows stronger and more
lasting as each new day passes. We lay there spent, naked in each other's arms, complete in
our happiness. It's now eight o'clock and outside it's grown dark. Suddenly, a gentle knock on
the door. Knock knock knock. The door opens and a strange young man looks down at us with a
knife in his hands. Myra screams. (HE begins to act out the story.) I jump up and run for the gun
in my drawer. Myra grabs a towel and shields herself. I rush back in with the pistol, ready to
save my wife's life. The strange young man says in Spanish, "Yo quito se dablo enchilada por
quesa in quinto minuto." But I don't speak Spanish and I never saw Rosita's son, Romero,
before, and I didn't know the knife was to cut up the salad and he was asking should they heat
up the dinner now? So I aimed my gun at him, Myra screams and pulls my arm. The gun goes
off and shoots me in the ear lobe. Rosita's son, Romero, runs downstairs and tells Rosita and
Ramona, "Mamasetta! Meela que paso el hombre ay baco ay yah. El hombre que loco, que
bang-bang"-the crazy man took a shot at him. So, Rosita, Ramona and Romero leave in a huff.
My ear lobe is bleeding all over Myra's new dress. Suddenly we hear a car pull up. It's the first
guests. Myra grabs a bathrobe and runs downstairs to stop Rosita, Ramona and Romero,
otherwise we'll have no dinner. But they drive off in their Alfa Romeo. I look out the window, but
it's dark and I think someone is stealing my beautiful old Mercedes, so I take another shot at
them. Myra runs down to the basement where we keep the cedar chest. She's looking for the
dress she wore last year for Bonds for Israel. She can't find the light, trips down the stairs,
passes out in the dark. I run downstairs looking for Myra, notice the basement door is open and
afraid the strange-looking kid is coming back, so I lock the door, not knowing that Myra is still
down there. Then I run upstairs to take some aspirin because my ear lobe is killing me from the
hole in it. But the blood on my fingers gets in my eyes and by mistake I take four Valium instead.
I hear the guests downstairs and I want to tell them to look for Myra. But suddenly, I can't talk
from the Valium, and I'm bleeding on the white rug. So I start to write a note explaining what
happened, but the note looks like gibberish. And I'm afraid they'll think it was a suicide note and
they'll call the police and my friend Glenn Cooper was coming it would be very bad for his
campaign to get mixed up with a suicide, so I tore up the note and flushed it down the toilet, just
as they walked into my room. They're yelling at me, "What happened? What happened?" And
before I could tell them what happened, I passed out on the bed. And that's the whole goddam
story, as sure as my name is ... (HE opens his robe to expose the monogram "CB" on the
pajamas.) ... Charley Brock.
[
22
]

[
23
]

[
24
]

WELCH: (Crossing to Lenny.) I buy it. I buy the whole thing. You know why I buy it? I buy it
because I liked it! I didn't believe it, but I liked it! I love my wife, too, and that's why I want to get
home early ... (Crossing to the front door.) ... Sorry to bother you, folks. Take care of that ear, Mr.
Brock, and happy anniversary.
[
25
]

(WELCH and PUDNEY leave. The OTHERS turn and look at Lenny.)
[
26
]

Scene 6: The Truth Revealed

GLENN: Where - where in the whole wide world did you find the guts to tell a story like that?
[
27
]

LENNY: (Beaming.) I made it up.

[
27
]

KEN: Of course you made it up. But when?

[
27
]

LENNY: As I was telling it. Sentence by sentence. Word by word. I didn't know where the hell I
was going, but I just kept going.
[
27
]

(We hear the POLICE CAR drive away.)

[
28
]

CLAIRE: You don't even speak Spanish.

[
28
]

LENNY: I made the Spanish up, too.

[
28
]
CHRIS: You shit, we all could have gone to jail for perjury.
[
28
]

LENNY: (Smiling.) I know. That was the challenge. The ultimate chutzpah. It was the best
goddam time I ever had in my life.
[
28
]

ERNIE: I am impressed. I am sincerely and deeply impressed. You have, without a doubt,
Lenny, one of the weirdest minds I've ever come across.
[
28
]

CLAIRE: (Holding up her glass.) A toast to my husband, Lenny. Just when I was getting bored
with our marriage, I fell in love with him all over again.
[
28
]

EVERYBODY: To Lenny!
[
28
]

CHRIS: I have an interesting question.

[
28
]

COOKIE: What?
[
28
]

CHRIS: What do you think really happened to Charley and Myra?

[
28
]

(The INTERCOM buzzes.)

[
29
]

ERNIE: (Picks it up.) Hello? ... Yes, Charley ... We're all here ... Are you up to having some
visitors? ...
[
29
]

(THEY ALL begin to troop upstairs.)

[
30
]

CHRIS: I hope it's shorter than Lenny's story.

[
30
]

CASSIE: (To Glenn.) Can we go back later and look for my crystal, honey?
[
30
]

GLENN: I'll buy you a thousand crystals, angel.

[
30
]

(THEY are ALL on the stairs. Suddenly, we hear a KNOCK from inside the basement door. ALL
stop and turn.)
[
31
]

MYRA: (From behind the door.) Open the door. Open the door. Let me out!
[
31
]

KEN: Who is it?

[
31
]

MYRA: (From behind the door.) It's Myra!

[
31
]

(THEY ALL look at Lenny is disbelief.)

[
31
]

Simon, Neil. Rumors. Samuel French, 1988.