10 PRINCIPLES FOR

DOING EFFECTIVE
COUPLES THERAPY

BY JULIE SCHWARTZ GOTTMAN

AND JOHN M. GOTTMAN
 Contents

Figure 1.1 3
Worksheet: The Fourth Principle 4
Worksheet: The Sixth Principle 6
Worksheet: The Tenth Principle 12
 The Sound
Relationship
House

COMMITMENT

FIGURE 1.1 The Sound Relationship House. Copyright ©

2000–2015 by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gott-
man. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.

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CLINICIAN’S CHECKLIST FOR RELATIONSHIP ASSESSMENT

This checklist provides a way to organize and summarize your assessment of a

couple’s relationship. Keep in mind the Sound Relationship House as you consider
these questions.

CHAOS?

ARE THERE FUNDAMENTAL MISMATCHES?

BETRAYALS?

OVERALL, WHERE ARE THEY EACH IN THE RELATIONSHIP?

IS COUPLES THERAPY CONTRAINDICATED?

THE COUPLE FRIENDSHIP

— The Fondness and Admiration system

— Love Maps
— Signs of emotional disengagement
— Stresses
— Fun
— Loneliness
— Parallel lives

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SENTIMENT OVERRIDES

— How humor and anger get responded to

— Ability to self-soothe
— Ability to soothe partner
REGULATING CONFLICT

— Stonewalling or other disengagement

— Softened or Harsh Startup
— Compromise
— Dialogue about perpetual problems
GENDER ISSUES

MESHING LIFE DREAMS AND CREATING SHARED SYMBOLIC MEANING

PSYCHOPATHOLOGY

PAST TRAUMA

POTENTIAL RESISTANCES

OVERALL PROGRESS TOWARDS BEING ABLE TO CREATE OR MAINTAIN

SHARED MEANING SYSTEM

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AFTERMATH OF A FIGHT OR REGRETTABLE INCIDENT

Five steps to reclaiming goodwill with your partner

This form is for “processing” past fights, regrettable incidents, or past
emotional injuries.
“Processing” means that you can talk about the incident without get-
ting back into it again. It needs to be a conversation—as if you were both
sitting in the balcony of a theater looking down on the stage where the
action had occurred. This requires calm and some emotional distance
from the incident.

Before you begin

Keep in mind the goal is greater understanding–addressing the pro-
cess and how the issue was talked about, without getting back into the
fight. So wait until you’re both calm.
We assume that each of your realities has validity. Perception is every-
thing. Don’t focus on “the facts.”
Pay attention to the common barriers to communication and their
antidotes as you move through the process. The Four Horsemen refer-
ence can help.
Work through the following five steps together.

THE FIVE STEPS

1. Feelings: Share how you felt. Do not say why you felt that way. Avoid
commenting on your partner’s feelings.
2. Realities: Describe your reality. Take turns. Summarize and validate
at least a part of your partner’s reality.
3. Triggers: Share what experiences or memories you’ve had that
might have escalated the interaction, and the stories of why these
are triggers for each of you.
4. Responsibility: Acknowledge your own role in contributing to the
fight or regrettable incident.
5. Constructive Plans: Plan together one way that each of you can make
it better next time.

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Step 1: Feelings

Share how you felt, but not why yet.

(Read aloud the items that were true for you during the fight. Do not com-
ment on your partner’s feelings.)
I felt:
1. defensive
2. not listened to
3. feelings got hurt
4. totally flooded
5. angry
6. sad
7. unloved
8. misunderstood
9. criticized
10. took a complaint personally
11. like you didn’t even like me
12. not cared about
13. worried
14. afraid
15. unsafe
16. tense
17. I was right and you were wrong
18. both of us were partly right
19. out of control
20. frustrated
21. righteously indignant
22. morally justified
23. unfairly picked on
24. unappreciated
25. disliked
26. unattractive
27. stupid
28. morally outraged

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29. taken for granted

30. like leaving
31. like staying and talking this through
32. I was overwhelmed with emotion
33. not calm
34. stubborn
35. powerless
36. I had no influence
37. I wanted to win this one
38. my opinions didn’t even matter
39. there was a lot of give and take
40. I had no feelings at all
41. I had no idea what I was feeling
42. lonely
43. alienated
44. ashamed
45. guilty
46. culpable
47. abandoned
48. disloyal
49. exhausted
50. foolish
51. overwhelmed
52. remorseful
53. shocked
54. tired

Step 2: Realities

Subjective Reality and Validation

1. Take turns describing your perceptions, your own reality of what

happened during the regrettable incident. Describe yourself and
your perception. Don’t describe your partner. Avoid attack and
blame. Talk about what you might have needed from your part-

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ner. Describe your perceptions like a reporter, giving an objective

­blow-by-blow description. Say “I heard you saying,” rather than
“You said.”
2. Summarize and then validate your partner’s reality by saying
something like, “It makes sense to me how you saw this and what
your perceptions and needs were. I get it.” Use empathy by saying
something like, “I can see why this upset you.” Validation doesn’t
mean you agree, but that you can understand even a part of your
partner’s experience of the incident.
3. Do both partners feel understood? If yes, move on. If no, ask, “What
do I need to know to understand your perspective better?” After
summarizing and validating, ask your partner, “Did I get it?” and “Is
there anything else?”

Step 3: Triggers

– Share what escalated the interaction for you. What events in the
interaction triggered a big reaction in you?

– As you rewind the video tape of your memory, stop at a point where
you had a similar set of feelings triggered in the past. Now tell the
story of that past moment to your partner, so your partner can
understand why that is a trigger for you.

– Share your stories. It will help your partner understand you. As you
think about your early history or childhood, is there a story you
remember that relates to what got triggered in you, your “enduring
vulnerabilities”? Your partner needs to know you, so that your part-
ner can be more sensitive to you.

Examples of triggers:
1. I felt judged. I’m very sensitive to that.
2. I felt excluded. I’m very sensitive to that.
3. I felt criticized. I’m very sensitive to that.
4. I felt flooded.
5. I felt ashamed.

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6. I felt lonely.
7. I felt belittled
8. I felt disrespected.
9. I felt powerless.
10. I felt out of control.
11. Other:

Validation

Does any part of your partner’s triggers and story make sense to you?

Step 4: Take Responsibility

Under ideal conditions, you might have done better at talking about this
issue.

1. What set me up for the miscommunication

Share how you set yourself up to get into this conflict. Read aloud the
items that were true for you on this list:

What set me up:

1. I’ve been very stressed and irritable lately.
2. I’ve not expressed much appreciation towards you lately.
3. I’ve taken you for granted.
4. I’ve been overly sensitive lately.
5. I’ve been overly critical lately.
6. I’ve not shared very much of my inner world.
7. I’ve not been emotionally available.
8. I’ve been turning away more.
9. I’ve been getting easily upset.
10. I’ve been depressed lately.
11. I’ve had a chip on my shoulder lately.
12. I’ve not been very affectionate.
13. I’ve not made time for good things between us.
14. I’ve not been a very good listener lately.
15. I’ve not asked for what I needed.

10

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16. I’ve been feeling a bit like a martyr.

17. I’ve needed to be alone.
18. I’ve not wanted to take care of anybody.
19. I have been very preoccupied.
20. I haven’t felt very much confidence in myself.
21. I’ve been running on empty.

2. Specifically what do you regret, and specifically what was your con-
tribution to this regrettable incident or fight?

3. What do you wish to apologize for?

(Read aloud)
I’m sorry that:

– I overreacted.

– I was really grumpy.

– I was defensive.

– I was so negative.

– I attacked you.

– I didn’t listen to you.

– I wasn’t respectful.

– I was unreasonable.

– Other:

4. If you accept your partner’s apology, say so. If not, say what you
still need.

Step 5: Constructive Plans

Share one thing your partner can do to make a discussion of this issue
better next time. (It’s important to remain calm as you do this.)
Then, while it’s still your turn, share one thing you can do to make it
better next time.
What do you need to be able to put this behind you and move on? Be as
agreeable as possible to the plans suggested by your partner.

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SAMPLE QUESTIONS FOR THE DREAM CATCHER

(THE LISTENER)

1. Do you have any core beliefs, ethics, or values that are part of your
position on this issue?
2. Is there a story behind this for you, or does this relate to your back-
ground or childhood history in some way?
3. Tell me why this is so important to you.
4. What feelings do you have about this issue?
5. What would be your ideal dream here?
6. Is there a deeper purpose or goal in this for you?
7. What do you wish for?
8. What do you need?
9. Is there a fear or disaster scenario in not having this dream
honored?

SAMPLE DREAMS FOR THE DREAM SPEAKER

1. A sense of freedom
2. The experience of peace
3. Unity with nature
4. Exploring who I am
5. Adventure
6. A spiritual journey
7. Justice
8. Honor
9. Unity with my past
10. Healing
11. Knowing my family
12. Becoming all I can be
13. Having a sense of power
14. Dealing with my aging
15. Exploring a creative side of myself
16. Becoming more powerful
17. Getting over past hurts

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18. Becoming more competent

19. Asking God for forgiveness
20. Exploring an old part of myself I have lost
21. Getting over a personal hang-up
22. Having a sense of order
23. Being able to be productive
24. A place and a time to just “be”
25. Being able to truly relax
26. Reflecting on my life
27. Getting my priorities in order
28. Finishing something important
29. Exploring the physical side of myself
30. Being able to compete and win
31. Travel
32. Quietness
33. Atonement
34. Building something important
35. Ending a chapter of my life
36. Saying goodbye to something
37. Love

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