Module 4: The Science

Of Self Confidence!
Introduction
How To Be Your True Self

• Getting to the CORE of

communication and
being good in
conversations.
 The Biggest Obstacle
• Biggest obstacle is feeling like you aren't a likeable person.
Causes you to hide yourself to avoid exposure and
disapproval.!

• We’ve all had experiences in our past that have

conditioned us to believe deep down that “I’m not good
enough” for some reason or “I’m unworthy of love.”!

• Avoiding meeting people and friendships altogether is what

most very socially anxious people do.!

• And even if you do get out to social situations, you “mess

up” because of performance behaviors.
 Performance Behaviors

• Being uncomfortable with silences.!

• People want company, not entertainment. Don't

try to make every comment be too funny or
"different". Should be able to be boring with
friends. Leads to acquaintances, not friends. They
must contribute, too.
 Performance Behaviors
• Trying to think of a perfect thing to say before hand
or rehearsing conversations in your mind.!

• When you try to rehearse, you will never be your true

self because you’re not expressing how you are
actually feeling in the moment. You only rehearse for a
performance.!

• Any pre-planning takes you out of the present moment

and you become disconnected from how the other
person is responding to you. Can never predict other
person’s response in advance.
 Performance Behaviors
• Unnecessary qualifying. Often subtle. !

• Saying things to make yourself look better or

cooler to get acceptance. Name dropping.
Rushing to mention impressive qualities, events
or possessions. !

• Bad job justification. People are intuitive, get a

bad feeling when someone is doing this -- reveals
belief of inferiority.
 Performance Behaviors

• Learning specific lines and techniques is an

appearance. !

• "I just don't have interesting things to talk about!"

YET there are some people who you probably
can talk to fine. Dating coach example. People
you're not intimidated of.
 Performance Behaviors

• Secretly obsessing about conversations after

they happened. !

• The fact that you do this is what reveals a

performance! Not that you messed up that one
time, but that you obsess in general about how
you could have been different to make people like
you.
 Performance Behaviors

• Acting very different around different people.

Pretending to like/dislike things just to fit in.!

• The chameleon strategy where you try to morph

yourself into whatever you think the other person
will like best. Stresses you out because you have to
keep track of so much and risk being "caught" at
any moment.
 Salespeople Perform,
Buyers Don’t
• Are you always trying to sell yourself to other
people? Are you trying harder than they are in the
conversation? !

• What if you were the buyer instead -- and every

time you met someone you were measuring
them up to your standards and seeing if they
could fit into your life... instead of automatically
chasing their approval?
 What Are The Rules?
What “Should” You Do/Say?

• Don't do what you think you should, but do what

you FEEL like. !

• YOU are the most important person in the

relationship -> How would you act if this was true?
Why isn’t it true? (The secret: If you act like you’re
the most important, then you are.)
 Handling Bad Reactions
Or Awkwardness
• Best way to handle a "mistake" is to pretend it didn't
happen. If you treat it as no big deal, other people will
instantly forget about it, too. !

• Keep your emotional state even. Maintain composure

and remain relaxed. YOU can control the interpretation of
a mistake.!

• Big mistake shy people make is crumbling at any

mistake, not realizing they can still shape people’s
perception of what happened after the fact. Public
speaker example.
 Handling Bad Reactions
Or Awkwardness
• If someone pokes fun at you... You can almost always
interpret the situation in different ways.
Ex: "Bill you never talk."!

• If you interpret the comment as a personal attack and get

insecure, then it BECOMES a personal insult.
Ex: "Well, I do sometimes... uh..." insecure "Maybe you talk
too much" defensive revealing insecurity.!

• If you laugh along and treat it as a joke, then it becomes a

joke. YOU control the interpretation.
Ex: Shrug and say "Oops, i guess not.” Other people will
laugh and you look comfortable with yourself.
 Accepting Compliments

• Accept serious ones sincerely "Thanks."

Casual ones can be accepted as more of a joke. !

• Trying too much to downplay it can make the other

person feel awkward and unheard. (Often what
people with low self esteem do.)
Rejection
 Why Rejection Hurts
• Hurts because it feels like a personal judgement.
Reliving traumatic childhood experience that caused the
shame/insecurity to begin with.!

• Remember we look for validation of current beliefs. If you

believe you're unlikeable, then you'll interpret the world in a
way that adds more "evidence" to your belief. !

• Ex: Person insecure about weight has someone look

down at their stomach. You make a speech and pay
more attention to the people who have neutral facial
expressions and the one or two that look bored instead
of the majority who are listening enthusiastically.
 How To Overcome
Fear Of Rejection
• Elements of randomness no matter how good you
are at talking.!

• Learning experience: Failure is what sharpens and

defines future behavior.!

• Stop creating a story around it and just feel the

rejection or embarrassment for what it is: a physical
sensation in your body. Don't add layers of meaning
around it.
 How To Overcome
Fear Of Rejection
• "I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is
trying to please everybody”!

• Vulnerability implies equal status and attracts

compatible people. If you reveal your true opinion, value
or preference and someone doesn't like it... then why
would you want a friend who doesn't like the real you? !

• Liberal hippy vs. conservative church goer: not

SUPPOSED to be friends usually, can still be tolerant.
 How To Overcome
Fear Of Rejection
• Rejection is a filter for compatibility. People who
don't like your real personality shouldn't be your
friends anyway. Stop performing. Value genuine
friendships over any-and-all friendships!

• What if nobody is compatible with you? Look in the

right places for friends. My interests won't resonate
with the majority of people. Most guys watch sports
TV.
 How To Overcome
Fear Of Rejection

• What if everything you said to people was

unconditional -- you would say it no matter how they
responded to you? !

• Toughness is being able to look almost anyone right

in the eye and tell them the truth.
Stories and Humor
 How To Get Stories

• Better life choices - go out and do stuff!!

• Keep track of possible story ideas - doesn't have to

be super impressive, just something a little unusual
that happened or you saw.
 How Over What
• How over what - How much you enjoy speaking
about it matters more than the content itself. Can
make anything interesting if you yourself are
fascinated by it.!

• Talk about the experience and how you felt going

through it. Gives people a "window" into your world.
Roller coaster example.!

• Stories suck people into your reality. Visualize it

happening as you're saying the story.
 Feelings and Details

• Sensory info - provide details to let people vividly

imagine.!

• Paint a picture with emotions and imagery. How did

you feel in the situation?!

• Background information vs present action - switch

inbetween.
 Feelings and Details
• Lead with a hook - a statement that grabs their
attention. Can relate to current topic or something
that made you remember it.!

• Prioritize certain points that are important. Skim

over unimportant details to keep attention.!

• End on a strong note. When wrapping it up,

remember: What was funny about it? Why was it
important to you? Did you learn a lesson? How did
it affect you?
 Humor Crash Course

• Exaggeration - take what they said and push it to

the ridiculous.!

• Unpredictable opposite - unexpected observation.!

• Imitation - Can be used to tease someone.

 Conclusion

• Thanks for taking the Conversation Hacking

Program.!

• Most books and programs do not get finished to the

end… congratulations for sticking with it! Shows
you’ll have the willpower to get success in many
other areas of life.