THE ULTIMATE SCRIPT
{Scene: Coffee Shop, Tickleson Von Stankleton is sitting at a desk with his laptop out
contemplating his play.}
TICKLESON VON STANKLETON: What should the starting lines of my masterpiece be, what to
do, what to do? It’s not coming to my mind. My massive supercomputer mind must compute, I
stare into the endless white void of this document, a canvas for my genius. I must squirt my
mind onto this digitized paper, but I’m all out of squirt juice. The world is my squirt juice bottle,
ah yes, I must observe. (Tickleson Von Stankleton give an intense look at two customers
entering the shop)
SON: Daddy I want a cake pop!
FATHER: What’s the price, (yells shocked) ten dollars, son were leaving these people are
robbers, monsters, degenerates beyond belief.
SON: Aw, I wanted one
FATHER: We are leaving this establishment of the devil immediately, (To the direction where
the counter is implied to be) SCREW YOU!
TICKLESON VON STANKETON: Ah yes, ancient bond father and son. What to name my
beautiful creations. Duckie, and Jared.
{Scene: Jared’s living room, Jared and Duckie are in a living room}
JARED: Son there's something I need to tell you
DUCKIE : Yeah, dad?
JARED: You know how you’ve always been a little different than your brothers?
DUCKIE : Of course I know that, just a little different, it isn’t so bad!
JARED: You look stressed
DUCKIE : I am, it's my first day of highschool
JARED: Listen; I’ll tell you later it’s not important
DUCKIE: Okay!
{Scene: Coffee Shop, Tickleson Von Stankleton is sitting at a desk with his laptop out
contemplating his play.}
TICKLESON VON STANKLETON: This dialogue is, it’s dry. It’s dry. Why is it dry? I am a
genius. I can write better, I shall write better, and moisten it. The dialogue can not be dry, it will
not be dry! What was it like with my father?
{Scene: Jared’s living room, Jared and Duckie are in a living room}
DUCKIE: Father?(pause)Father, where are you? Hmmmmm? Oh wait I know, he’s in prison!
{Scene, Tickleson Von Stankleton is thinking about his play}
TICKLESON VON STANKLETON: No, no no! That will absolutely not work, what would the
father I just saw say to his son? I must use my imagination, my massive Giga 1800 pro
processor of a mind. Hrrrrnnnng! Shoot nothing. Think, think. This has to be perfect, it must.
Shoot, I know!
{Scene:Jared and Duckie are in the living room}
JARED: Oi son, I got to tell you a secret.
DUCKIE: Oh boy a secret, what secret?
JARED: Ah, I probably shouldn’t tell you, it’s your first day of highschool.
DUCKIE: Aw, really c’mon tell me!
JARED: Tell you what, you get through your first highschool day, and I’ll tell you, sound like a
deal?
DUCKIE: I guess. Welp Off to Highschool
{Scene:Duckie and Ron are on the bus}
DUCKIE: Can I sit here
RON: No, you annoy me.
DUCKIE: Aw
RON: Get away from me you stupid dumb dumb.
DUCKIE: Sigh (Duckie literally says the word sigh out loud) Whatever.
{Scene:Coffee shop}
TICKLESON VON STANKLETON:Ron isn’t cruel enough. What would he even say, what’s too
far. Hmm, it needs to be realistic, realistic. What would be realistic? Oh, I know, just write what
my highschool bullies said to me!
{Scene:Duckie and Ron are on the bus}
DUCKIE: Can I sit here
RON: No, you annoy me.
DUCKIE: Aw
RON: Get away from me, uh, what’s your name anyways nerd?
DUCKIE: Duckie.
RON: Ok, well get away from me Mr. I Have A Dead Grandma.
DUCKIE: Hey man.
{At school}
DUCKIE: Oh no, I need to find my classroom, but I’m completely lost. (To Jake)Hey, do you
know where room 102 is?
JAKE: Just down the hallway to your right!
DUCKIE: Oh wowie! Thank you very much! Say, what might your name be?
JAKE: Uhm, I have somewhere to be, sorry.
DUCKIE: But I need to thank you, for telling me where my class is!
JAKE: Dude, you can just say thank you, it’s not that hard is it.
DUCKIE: My tongue doesn’t like ‘th’ sounds, so please give me your name!
JAKE: Dude! Fine, it's Jake! You’re so annoying!
DUCKIE: Well Jake, thank you!
JAKE: Weirdo!
{Scene: Coffee Shop Tickleson Von Stankleton}
TICKLESON VON STANNKLETON: Hmm, my coffee is all out, unfortunate. I need more but I
refuse to pay an extra 30.00$ for another one like a peasant. That’s how I will become a
homeless starving artist on the street. Begging on the streets, ahh. (Tickleson Von Stankleton
daydreams for about 5 seconds before snapping back to reality).
TICKLESON VON STANKLETON: Ah, shoot. Wait, I’ve got it, a lightning bolt of genius struck
again in my thunderstorm of a mind! What if I show the waitress my script and give her one
percent royalties on it when it gets published. This script will win awards, it’ll get nominated for a
Granny, and when I get up their everyone will clap. And she’ll become a thousandaire while I
become a millionaire! Yes, she’ll realize its greatness, and be thankful for the opportunity. (To
the direction of where the counter will be) Hey waitress!
WAITRESS: (Sighs) What?
TICKLESON VON STANKETON: Come over here, I want to show you something that could
change your life.
WAITRESS: What is it?
TICKLESON VON STANKLETON: A script that will change the way you see reality, do you want
to read what I have so far?
WAITRESS: Sure, I guess. (She takes a second to read the script) The dialogue is somewhat
charming but the hook and premise struggle to hook me in, the premise could be executed more
interestingly, seems a little boring.
TICKLESON VON STANKETON: Boring? BORING? How on earth is this masterpiece boring?
WAITRESS: Just seems a little bland, but keep working on it, or don’t if you don’t want to sir.
Not my place to say.
TICKLETON VON STANKLETON: Let me tell you I am one of the greatest artists, I just need
time to work, this will be one of the greatest scripts of all time, the *ultimate* script. Say, if you
just had one percent royalties on this masterpiece your life could change forever. All it costs to
make this deal of a lifetime is giving me a free coffee. That’s it, let it be on the house, pay for it
yourself even! You don’t want to miss out!
WAiTRESS: No, I don’t think I want to, sorry.
TICKLETON VON STANKLETON: (Visibly upset) Grr, Nrg, fine, whatever, good day!
{Scene: In classroom Duckie and Ron and professor Fillups are in the same classroom.}
PROFESSOR FILLUPS: Good morning class, today we’re introducing a new student!
DUCKIE: Good morning!
RON: You don’t say good morning back, itiot.
PROFESSOR FILLUPS: Be Nice Ron, Duckie is new. Why don’t you tell us a bit about yourself
for the class?
DUCKIE: Well, my name is Duckie Marian Jr., named after my dad! I haven’t been to a school
ever in my life! My dad said this was a good opportunity to try!
RON : Loooooossssssseeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrr! (Ron and Duckie stare at each other with wide
eyes awkwardly for 10 seconds)
{Coffee Shop, Tickleson Von Stankleton begins to tweak out}
TICKLESON VON STANKLETON: What do I write, it has to be engaging, riveting, amazing, this
is dull. This is dull, I know I can write the ultimate script but the vibes are off, the premise is
flawed, this coffee shop is awful and I’m tired without coffee. I can not write my genius script, I
can’t, I can't, I can't. Curse this awful world, I am battling reality itself for I can not do anything,
yet I must I must write this script to be perfect, yet it’s stupid. I hate my stupid script!
{Scene: In classroom Duckie and Ron and professor Fillups are in the same classroom.}
PROFESSOR FILLUPS: Good morning class, today we’re introducing a new student!
DUCKIE: Good morning!
RON: You don’t say good morning back, idiot.
PROFESSOR FILLUPS: Be Nice Ron, Duckie is new. Why don’t you tell us a bit about yourself
for the class?
DUCKIE: I’m the ugly duckling yeah? I’m the goat, you all hate me because I’m adopted yeah?
Well guess what, I’m LeBron’s long lost son. I’m going to grow up to be a six foot nine baller and
the head of a fortune 100 company, you stupid idiot. You’re going to be living in your mother’s
basement without a job at the big age of thirty years old, Wallace P. Jackson! I see you! Who
has the dead grandma now huh?
RON: Haha, poopie.
DUCKIE: I am going to be infinitely more successful than you, in fact I eat LeBron’s butt hair like
a cow eats grass yeah, I am training to become the new goat. How much of LeBron’s pubic hair
have you eaten you pathetic idiot poop baby? I collect daily samples in his locker room. Don’t
believe me when I say I’m LeBron’s son. Well LeBron can crap on command, and so can I.
(Duckie blows a raspberry) Yeah, stupid idiot. I escaped the orphan grinder.
RON: Haha, poopie.
{Scene: Tickleson Von Stankleton is crashing out}
TICKLESON VON STANKLETON: AAAH! (yelling) I hate this stupid idiotic, why. I am a genius. I
should write perfection but I can’t, because the vibes are wrong at this coffee shop. Why can’t I-
(Tickleson Von Stankleton picks up his computer and throws it to the ground)
WAITRESS: (groans) Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to calm down.
TICKLESON VON STANKLETON: I AM A RESPONSIBLE ADULT! DON:T YOU DARE ASK
ME TO LEAVE!
WAITRESS: Sir-
TICKLESON VON STANKLETON: Don’t.
WAITRESS: I’m going to-
TICKLESON VON STANKLETON: I swear to god-
WAITRESS: (quickly) I’m going to have to ask you to leave
TICKLESON VON STANKLETON: DAMN YOU! WHAT CAN YOU DO YOU”RE A TWIG
WAITRESS: (pulls out phone) Security.
TICKLESON VON STANKETON: I’ll chew their nose off so they can’t have the blessing of
smelling me.
(2 buff security officers arrive at the scene)
TICKLESON VON STANKLETON:(looks at the security guards, whimpers) I’ll leave (runs
offstage screaming)