ALL OUT

A comedy by JOHN RESTER ZODROW

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There are three TV cameras fully manned by two

CAMERA Me and one CAMERAWOMAN on
stage. There is a STAGE MANAGER, complete
 with headphones, below stage level. We are in a
full-fledged TV studio. Any props, such as TV
monitors, applause signs, microphones, etc.
should be used to further convince the audience

The house lights dim. The curtain does not rise. A single
spot lights up and Lloyd Wright, the
ANNOUNCER, steps out onto the stage. His
manner is breezy and fast, as is the entire play.
Theme music up - something American like
Sousa.
SOUND #1 - MUSIC
ANNOUNCER.. Hiya, hiya, game fans! As you might
have guessed, I’m Lloyd Wright, the familiar
voice behind your screen every night. Now, don’t
worry because Jonny Mitchell, the star of our
show, will be out shortly. I’m here to do what’s
called a warm-up, get everybody greased. And
since we can’t pass out the booze in this TV
studio, the next best thing is to get you to laugh a
bit while I tell you the rules and regulations of
ALL OUT and what we need you to do. Yes, we
need you, adies and gentlemen. For without you,
this show will be a flop. Hey, I got a good one for
you. You know why Christians were made?
Well, somebody had to buy retail!
SOUND #2 - LAUGH TRACK
(He laughs at his own joke so hard that the AUDIENCE
thinks his laughter is funny) Okay, good, you’re a
good group! Now, we’re on the air shortly. Now,
an applause sign will shoot out whenever Johnny
or somebody makes a joke or whenever the

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 producers feel it’s right to applaud. Now, you
don’t have to. But, like I said, without you, we
haven’t got a chance. So, please. What do you
say? (He applauds. AUDIENCE joins in) Good!
Good! Louder! That’s terrific! (He instructs the
audience to stop) You’re terrific.
OFFSTAGE VOICE. Fifteen!
ANNOUNCEER. Remember, we’re the only live show
on television in America today. And it’s up to
you to make it a success. Applaud when you feel
like it and make it strong! For the first time, the
audience is as important to the success of a show
as the contestants. You wanna good night of
entertainment, roll up your sleeves and jump in!
OFFSTAGE VOICE. Five, four, three…
ANNOUNCER. You’ve shivered at the $64,000
Questions, wept for the winners of Queen For a
Day, rooted for Let’s Make a Deal! Now prepare
yourselves for the game show of all game shows!
The ultimate, the fantastic, death-defying, the
only fame show that will ever make the Guinness
book, the unbelievable one hundred thousand
dollar show of shows… ALL OUT! And now,
ladies and gentlemen, here’s your host of hosts,
the one, the only… Johnny Mitchell!
JOHNNY. Thank you, thank you. Welcome, ladies and
gentlemen, to ALL OUT, the game of all game
shows. The grandaddy of the ancestors… the
freak of all freaks… the big ferris wheel in the
sky… the only show, even when in syndication,
that beat out Yellowstone in the ratings! We are
pleased to be with you. And if it wasn’t for our

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 loyal TV audience, none of this would be
possible! Give yourselves a hand.
(Applause sign)
Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, each show
we select four contestants from the studio
audience. Are you ready our there for your lives
to change forever? Are you ready, audience?
AUDIENCE/ANNOUNCER: Ready!
JOHNNY. That’s good, because, Mary Rosenberg, I
want you… to come on down!
MARY enters from the audience.
JOHNNY. Hello, Mary Rosenberg! It is miss, isn’t it?
MARY. Ms., I’m a feminist. A soft one. Oh, Johnny, I’m
so excited. I have to win tonight to prove to Sid
I’m worthy of him. He’s the man I love!
JOHNNY. And just who is this lucky guy, Mary?
MARY. Sid is my boyfriend. We’ve been dating for six
years. We were childhood sweethearts, went to
school together, even attended the same
synagogue. Hewants to get married, but he hasn’t
asked me yet.
JOHNNY. Well! He wants to get married, but he hasn’t
asked you yet?
MARY. That’s it, Johnny.
JOHNNY. Well, if he hasn’t asked you yet, Mary, how
do you know he will? Or that he even wants to?
MARY. He’s said he wants kids, and I know that he
loves me.
JOHNNY. And tonight you plan to prove that you’re as
good as Sid, and that will convince him to marry
you?

4
MARY. It’s a little more complicated than that. But, yes,
that’s what I hope happens tonight.
JOHNNY. (to audience) Scarlett O’Hara has nothing on
this woman. A modern Romeo and Juliet right
here on our TV stage, ladies and gentlemen. (to
MARY) Welcome aboard, Mary Rosenberg.
(applause) Now for our next contestant,
journeying all the way from Los Angeles… Julia
Colby! Come on down, Julia!
JULIA. Accchhhh! I don’t believe it!
JOHNNY. Hellllllooooo, Julia! You’ve just been picked
to try to win one hundred thousand dollars. What
do you think of that?
JULIA. I’m real tough, Johnny. I’m gonna give it my
best!
JOHNNY. And how about it? Who are you, Julia?
JULIA. I’m poor, but I’ve never been on welfare a day
of my life! And if I win tonight, I’m gonna use
that money to move my whole family uptown!
I’m so happy, I’m beside myself!
JOHNNY. A laudable dream, Julia Colby.
JULIA. I’ve worked hard, Johnny. I’ve kept my head
above water, God knows. I do industrials, And
they’re killers!
JOHNNY. Industrials?
JULIA> You know, heavy-duty cleaning. At night.
Mostly from seven to seven. I clean up grease
spills, mop off machinery, and I do locker rooms
too. You should smell the insides of them and the
toilets sometimes! (pause) So, I guess you might
say this is my big chance!

5
JOHNNY. And I hear this is your last chance, is that
right, Julia?
JULIA. I hate to think of it that way, Johnny. But it’s
true. If I don’t win tonight, I don’t know how
much longer I can keep my head above water.
JOHNNY. Julia, we are glad your name was picked
tonight. You are the kind of contestant we like to
have with us! (to AUDIENCE) Does she stay,
studio audience? (applause) Wonderful!
Wonderful! Our next contestant is… Mr. Charles
Ritter!
CHARLEY. My friends call me Charley! I’m gonna
win!
JOHNNY. Did you hear that, ladies and gentlemen?
Here a man who’s sure of himself. (applause,
laughter) What makes you so sure of yourself,
Charley?
CHARLEY. Because, Johnny, I’m gonna go all out!
There is nothing that can stop me! I’ll do
anything to win!
JOHNNY. Anything, Charley?
CHARLEY. Anything!
JOHNNY. That’s the spirit! Tell us a few incidentals
about yourself, Charley.
CHARLEY. Well, we’re out here on vacation right now.
My wife and me. Hello, Elaine! Do you believe
this? We make our home, Johnny, in Colby,
Kansas. Nice town. Got a little land too.
JOHNNY. Compared to our first two contestants,
Charley Ritter, you don’t seem as desperate.
CHARLEY. You’re looking at a sour man, Johnny. I get
boils. On my neck, stomach. Happens every time

6
 I get depressed. And I've been depressed for two
years now. I read somewhere, too, that if you
don’t like yourself, you grow cancers, make
yourself sick in a hundred different ways! And
that’s what’s gonna happen to me, Johnny! I can
feel it coming!
JOHNNY. Is that right?
CHARLEY. God’s truth.
JOHNNY. (to AUDIENCE) Ladies and gentlemen!
Charley Ritter stays? (applause) One more! Who
will it be? (poignant pause) Corporal George
Reeeeeedy!
JOHNNY. A Member of our armed forces! Corporal
George Reedy, ladies and gentlemen.
GEORGE. Hi. Hello.
JOHNNY. I used the term “armed” George. Sorry about
that. Can I ask how you lost your limb?
GEORGE. Claymore mine. I stepped on one of our own.
JOHNNY. And where did this happen, George?
GEORGE. Near An Loc, sir. But I don’t miss it! I mean,
my arm.
JOHNNY. What a wonderfully tough spirit! Now, who
are you, George Reedy?
GEORGE. I served two hitches in hitchese in Nam, sir. I
mean, Johnny. The first was uneventful. I was
decorated a couple of times. The second hitch…
well… I saved my buddy's life, kinda.
JOHNNY. So why do you want to win ALL OUT? Tell
our audience!
GEORGE. Well, I want a new arm.
JOHNNY. You want a prosthetic device?

7
GEORGE. Yes, Johnny, but one without a hook.
(laughs) I mean, I’m desk-boundnow. My
fighting days are over, but I’d like to have two
hands again.
JOHNNY. Ladies and gentlemen, George Reedy!
(applause) Now on with the show! Lloyd Wright,
what’s our first prize?
ANNOUNCER. For our first game, Johnny, we
have a year’s supply of Contract Suds, and for
each of our players who succeed… one thousand
dollars!
JOHNNY. To win ALL OUT and our final prize,
you must play to the finish. There are four
rounds. If you drop out at any time, you forfeit all
of your prizes and money. Is that clear? And
now, for our first game, we would like to test
your pain threshold. Now we warrant there is no
serious possibility of being hurt in this game.
But, this original round will show us how serious
you are in going all out! ANyone ready to quit?
(contestants do not answer) Okay, then. (reveal
of a small machine with a handle on it. ‘Oooh’
sign?)
GEORGE. It’s a XB-7 torture unit. Electric.
Devised by the CIA. Jumbles the nervous system.
JOHNNY. Right you are, George. But we
warrant it will not hurt you seriously.
GEORGE. (under breath) If it’s not on too long.

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JOHNNY. Now the object of this first round is to
take hold of this handle. Lloyd here will throw
the switch on the side. You must last five
seconds. Who’s first?
GEORGE. I’ll go. I think I know how these
things work.
He steps up to the machine. GEORGE is
immediately straightened by the current. His
face, however, remains immobile, hiding any
suffering.
JOHNNY. Four, five! Wonderful! Audience, can
you give him a big hand! All right, who’s next?
JULIA. I am. Here! (She steps up to the machine.
ANNOUNCER starts up the machine.)
AHHHHHHH!
JOHNNY. Five! Are you alright, Julia Colby?
JULIA. I’m okay, okay.
CHARLEY. Okay, let’s get it over!
JOHNNY. Are you afraid, Charley? A little bit?
CHARLEY. I’m not afraid of anything!
(ANNOUNCER throws the switch. CHARLEY’S
hands tighten, legs buckle, his face turns red, his
eyes roll back in his head.
JOHNNY. Five!
CHARLEY. (out of breath) Is that all? That…
that it?

9
JOHNNY. (guiding him) Over here, Charley.
And last, but not least, Mary Rosenberg. Will
you do it?
MARY. I used to be… epileptic, Johnny, I …
ANNOUNCER. (to MARY) No one heard that.
Keep going.
MARY. I suppose it’s okay… (She steps up to
the machine, hands shaking. She grabs the
handle of the machine hard. ANNOUNCER
throws the switch.) AHHHHHH! (Her body
begins to convulse. JOHNNY looks to
ANNOUNCER worried)
JOHNNY. Mary, let go. Let go! (she doesn’t)
Lloyd, kill the juice, kill it!
The studio goes silent. Then in a moment,
ANNOUNCER rushes out, lifts MARY from the
floor, and carries her offstage.
A beat.
JOHNNY. While we wait to hear back from
Mary, what’s the next game, Lloyd!
ANNOUNCER. The next portion of our show is
called “Greet Your Loved Ones”.
JOHNNY. Thank you, Lloyd! Now, contestants,
each of you has brought a loved one with you
tonight? (CONTESTANTS ad lib affirmative)
Mary enters disheveled
JOHNNY. Mary, welcome back. You took quite
the jolt. Now let’s meet those loved ones!

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LOVED ONES enter
JOHNNY. Each of you know these people.
Would you identify your loved ones by leading
them down and then standing in front of them?
Now, for the sum of two thousand, five hundred
dollars, you must strike your loved one in the
face. The audience will be the judge of whether
you have won the prize money. Do I hear any
quitters? Very well. Julia, prooooooocceeeeed!
JULIA hesitates, then softly cuffs WILLY.
ANNOUNCER. Booooooo!
JOHNNY. The ladies and gentlemen in our
studio audience do not agree that you deserve the
twenty-five hundred.
JULIA. Oh, no! Willy!
WIlly. Go ahead, ma. I been hit before. We gotta
have that money.
JULIA swings full and knocks WILLY down.
Applause
JOHNNY. She’s done it! Julia is our first winner!
Charley Ritter!
CHARLEY. (to wife) We agreed, remember?
ELAINE. I’m scared. Don’t hurt me, Charley.
CHARLEY. I got to, honey. We’re gonna win!
(ELAINE closes her eyes. CHARLEY backhands
her hard. Very hard. She stumbles)
ELAINE. Oh, Charley…(applause)

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 JOHNNY. You’ve won, Charley Ritter! You’re a
winner! Two winners, ladies and gentlemen. And
now, Mary Rosenberg, how do you feel
tonight… like a winner?
MARY faces SID but stops halfway
SID. Go ahead, baby.
MARY. I… can’t hit you, Sid.
SID. Think of my mother. It’ll help.
MARY. Sid, I… I can’t! (She drops her hand.
ANNOUNCER moans in disbelief.)
SID. You want to win, don’t you? You remember
the time we stayed up in Big Bear?
MARY. Ssh, Sid! We’re on national television!
SID. And my mother broke in. She was so shocked she
never wanted to see me again, remember?
MARY. Sid, for chrissakes!
SID. And remember she got sick afterwards until I came
back and apologised to her. well , I never told you the
real reason she got sick, Mary. The real reason was
because I let my body touch a non-Jew…
MARY wacks him in the face. SID hugs her,
happy at her success for both of them.
MARY. I’ll never hit you again.
JOHNNY. Unbelievable! George Reedy, will
you go all out?
GEORGE studies his MOTHER. The
AUDIENCE quiets. His MOTHER is looking up
into his stare.

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GEORGE. I’ve used this hand to kill before.
Strangled with it. Once shot a guerilla close up,
felt the bone chips hit it. I can’t… I won’t.
MOTHER. That’s right, George. It will sting me
for a while. But it will wound you forever,
wound you deeper than you already are. You’ve
always done what you said you could, George.
When you said you’d be a Marine, you worked
hard and became one of the best and I was proud
of you for that. You served your country well,
George, even if it was an unwanted and draining
war, you held your head high and tried to be a
good soldier. I sometimes wonder if you
punished yourself for that war, George. I don’t
know. But I know you were decent and finally
honest with yourself and now you shouldn’t
disgrace what you are or have become by
standing up here and slapping your mother. It’s
beneath you, beneath all of us.
GEORGE. I don’t want the money that bad,
mother. You mean more to me, you’re all I've
got!
MOTHER. Me and the US Marines, you mean!
But I’m glad you said that, George. Maybe now
you can really start to heal the big wounds. Those
inside. (She looks at the other CONTESTANTS.
GEORGE smiles and leads MOTHER offstage.
Silence)

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JOHNNY. Well, goodbye, GEORGE RITTER!
That really surprised me, didn’t it you, studio
audience? I mean, you can never tell. Thank you,
loved ones, you’ve been great sports. Now we
will escort you back to your seats in the audience.
Let’s give them a hand, huh, folks. They do
deserve it, don’t they?
JOHNNY escorts LOVED ONES offstage
ANNOUNCER. Our next game is “Tell a Little
Lie About Yourself”. Because this part of the
show is personal, we want you, contestant - one
by one- to come right out here by Johnny, right
here on the apron of the stage, and talk to the
audience. Now, Julia, Charley, Mary - who’s
first?
JULIA. Me, I want to get it over with!
JOHNNY. Do you hear that, ladies and
gentlemen? She wants to get it over with! All
right. Step out here with me, Julia. Right out
here, that’s right. Now, Julia, you must tell the
audience something about yourself. A dark secret
no one knows but yourself. A secret so terrible it
will damage your reputation. We all have those
dirty little secrets, don’t we, Julia?
JULIA. I… I guess so.
JOHNNY. That’s right. And remember, this is
ALL OUT. There is no going back once you’ve

14
started, and you have started, Julia. Quit now,
and it’s all over.
JULIA. How much is this for, Johnny?
JOHNNY. This third segment of our game is
for… fifty thousand dollars!
JULIA. Fifty… and all I gotta do is tell
something terrible about myself.
ANNOUNCER. Give ‘em drama, but not too
much.
JULIA. Don’t worry. This Okie’s gonna blow
your mind! I only got a sixth-grade education.
You might call me dumb! (no applause) I got
seven kids, all poor, and they got… four different
fathers! (no applause)
JOHNNY. Better give ‘em more than that, Julia.
JULIA. Well… I've been on the streets some…
You might as well know, I walked some… You
know what a walker is? I got… I got
something… you know… some sickness…I ain’t
never told anybody this.. People’d stay away
from me. (anguished) There ain’t no more cure
‘cause I let it go too long without medicine. Oh,
it wasn’t nothing more’n a rash when it first
showed up. Then it went away, and I forgot all
about it. You know how easy that is to do, don’t
you? But now, I got maybe… the doctors figure
maybe I got a year… maybe a year before.. And I
can’t leave ‘em all, I just can’t! Praise God, I got

15
to come on this show! I got my chance, I got my
chance… I got my chance (she succumbs to her
sobbing)
JOHNNY. Ladies and gentlemen? (he starts the
applause) That was touching, Julia. Very, very
touching. (A beat) Congratulations! You have
won fifty thousand dollars! And now, who’s
next, contestants? Who can top, Julia Colby?
Mary Rosenberg? Come up here and tell a little
story about yourself. (He takes MARY by the arm
and leads her DS, then leaves her alone. We can
see JOHNNY hovering)
MARY. Now what kind of bad things can you
say about someone like me? Would you believe
I’m really a secret agent who assassinates
people… No? Well. (Pause) Hello, out there,
Sid. You wanna plug your ears up? I mean, there
are some things that should be secret between us.
Sid loves to argue. He says it’s a sign that a
relationship’s alive! We argue from morning to
night. A constant seven-day war! Yep. And are
we happy? Let me tell you! Sometimes, when
he’ll win an argument in the daytime, I’ll wait
until the middle of the night. I’ll set the alarm,
then wake up and call him! He isn’t much good
at night, so I always win! That’s why I’m here
tonight. To prove to Sid I am a winner! (Silence)
Well, after Sid and I got together, he wanted to

16
have a kid. Wanted one real bad! I mean, that
was all he talked about. You know, the whole
shot. Natural childbirth, being there when it was
born, playing mother to it when I was away.
Anyway… I was off the pill and in a couple of
months - to my surprise - I got pregnant. I mean,
I’d heard if you’d been on the pill for a long time,
it’d take a year for your body to just get normal,
and here I was! And it was in its third month
before I found out. I never told Sid I was
pregnant. I never told anyone. I just went and …
(stops dead. MARY breaks down)
JOHNNY. Well, studio audience? (applause)
Yes, yes, no doubt.
CHARLEY. I’d like to go next, Johnny!
JOHNNY. You’re on to go all out, Charley
Ritter! Do your thing!
CHARLEY. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m a man
who knows what it’s like to work all his life and
wind up with (raspberry) -nothing. Zilch! I got a
good wife. Elaine and I’ve had five kids - one
died at birth. That was tough. (no audience
response) Well, I don’t really have anything bad
to tell about myself. Not like those two anyway.
JOHNNY. I don’t think you’re getting close to
winning fifty thousand big ones, Charley.
CHARLEY. But that’s the truth!
JOHNNY. We don’t want the truth, Charley.

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CHARLEY. Yeah, yeah, I know. Okay, okay!
I… get drunk every once in a while - nothing
serious, you know, but I get ripped every now
and then … I mean… I… I … love my wife…
but I’ve played around. I mean, I’m on the road a
lot, and there are always women who like to have
a drink with you. I mean, not a lot of women.
Well, not very many at all. But a few. You know,
who are lonely as you. You ever been in the Fort
Worth-Dallas Airport at four in the morning? It’s
the loneliest place in the world. And you meet
somebody and you talk, that’s how it is. Don’t be
angry, Elaine. I had this affair… affairs really…
they weren’t much… (no audience response)
Well, what the hell do you want from me? I told
you as much as that broad did!
JOHNNY. Not enough, Charley. Fifty thousand
dollars buys a lot more than that.
CHARLEY. Okay. Okay. I had a brother once.
He was older than me. A real whizz. Better at
most anything, you know. God, how mom and
dad loved him. And how I… envied him. We
were up at Lake Concourse, and Joe and I
thought we’d climb the SADDLE BACK. It was
my idea. It was ordinary but… I knew he was
afraid to climb the mountain (pause). When he
fell… we were just going up this little chimney,
just hand climbing.. I turned around and saw him

18
hanging there, maybe fifteen, maybe twenty feet
below me, and he wasn’t in any real danger - just,
you know, hanging there on a slant. I turned
around and pulled myself up another five feet
and, boy, did it feel good! God, it felt good!
“Charley,” he cried, “help me, I’m getting tired!”
I never even turned around. Never stopped
climbing. (haunted) I never even turned around.
Nobody was going to take that away from me. I
was the winner for once. You can understand
that! I kept on.. Going… kept on and on and….
(he is in a trance. The AUDIENCE breaks into
applause. For a moment, CHARLEY doesn’t
hear, then he looks up and realizes. His
expression, however, does not change. Even
through his smile, he looks drained)
JOHNNY. A wonderful story, Charley!
Congratulations. You’ve won fifty thousand
dollars!
CHARLEY. (brightening) Yeah, sure. I’m a
winner.
JOHNNY. Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll return
shortly. Stay tuned! The big banana is next! One
hundred thousand dollars and ALL OUT!
JOHNNY. (to ANNOUNCER) You got the
contracts?
ANNOUNCER. Right here.
OFFSTAGE VOICE. Sixty seconds!

19
JOHNNY. I don’t know if I can keep doing this
stuff. You know I’m not sleeping too well at
nights.
ANNOUNCER. Pays well, doesn’t it?
JOHNNY. Yeah… I don’t know what’s matter
with me tonight… You hear anything about the
final game yet?
ANNOUNCER. No. Heard it’s scary.
JOHNNY. Scary? How scary?
ANNOUNCER. Couldn’t be anything that bad.

JOHNNY goes to hair and makeup people

onstage

ANNOUNCER. (to MARY/CHARLEY) Sign

these.
CHARLEY. What is it?
ANNOUNCER. Legal. It releases the show from
any responsibility. You know, lawsuits and all
that.
JULIA. What’s goin’ on?
ANNOUNCER. Next round. You gotta sign to
play. That’s what our lawyers say. Hurry, c’mon,
make up your minds. (He thrusts the pen at
them)
CHARLEY. Hell, I’ll sign.

20
 MARY. You should read it first! (CHARLEY
scribbles his name). You ain’t gonna really hurt
us, are you?
ANNOUNCER. I guarantee if you win, you’ll be
able to walk off this stage.
OFFSTAGE VOICE. We’re on in five!
ANNOUNCER. Julia, are you in or out?
MARY. I need to read…
ANNOUNCER. IN OR OUT! (JULIA signs)

JOHNNY. Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome back

to ALL OUT! We yet have two contestants!
Charley Ritter and Julia Colby have ascended to
the peak. The question is now, do they have it to
go ALL OUT? Will they try our last game? (to
offstage stage hand) Can we see our loved ones?

As the LOVED ONES enter, the CONTESTANTS

rise from their seats. Standing there are ELAINE
and WILLY. Each stands expectantly.

CHARLEY. (fearful) What is this? I thought we

were finished with all this?
JULIA. Well, it can’t be any worse than before,
can it?
JOHNNY. Ladies and gents, here is the final
game for tonight. The fame that could catapult

21
any of these remaining three courageous
contestants into one hundred thousand dollars,
now director from the producers’ devious
minds… (he pulls out an envelope and rips it
open. He reads, trying to appear unaffected) A-
ha! Oh, my. Oh, my! I… uh… I …uh… I hope
we haven’t gone too far tonight!
CHARLEY. What is this? They can’t do
something horrible, can they?
JULIA. They can do anything they want. You
oughta know that by now.
JOHNNY. Okay. I understand. Boy! May we
have the instruments, please?

ANNOUNCER walks out with a satin pillow. On

it are two brutal-looking thirty-eight specials.
There is a gasp from the AUDIENCE and a buzz
of conversation.

JOHNNY. Now, then, the object of the game is

simple. Have any of you ever heard of Russian
Roulette?
JULIA. You can’t do this! This is only a game
show!
ANNOUNCER. The papers you signed,
remember. ALL OUT only suggests. You do the
rest. Now, have you ever heard of Russian
Roulette?

22
CHARLEY. I know what it is. I've seen it in the
movies, but…
JOHNNY. Well, that’s not what this is.
JULIA. Whew! You really had me scared there
for a while!
JOHNNY. Charley?
CHARLEY. Yeah, I was a little scared. But, I
just knew all along you couldn’t do a thing like
that!
JOHNNY. And you were absolutely right,
Charley Ritter! This game is not Russian
Roulette. It is called Russian Roulette Once
Removed! (he spins and introduces WLAINE and
WILLY) A big hand for your new partners in
ALL OUT! (AUDIENCE applause)
CHARLEY. You mean she… hey, why, wait a
minute! Wait just a little minute. I’m willing to
put my own life on the line, but you can’t ask my
wife to do that!
JOHNNY. Now, don’t rush the game, Charley.
Let me explain first. We give you one bullet
apiece. You will insert it in each of your guns.
But before, you can talk it over. You discuss it
between yourselves and when you have your
decisions, you will turn to the audience and tell
us whether you have selected to go ALL OUT!
JULIA. But, I can’t force my boy to take this
chance. This is unfair!

23
JOHNNY. Convince him, Julia. Think what you
can do with one hundred thousand dollars. Of
course, the decision is all your own. We are not
coercing you in any way. It is your decision
totally.
CHARLEY. Just a minute. I got a question. What
happens if… if the gun goes off?
ANNOUNCER. You didn’t read what you
signed, Charley. Funeral arrangements are your
responsibility. You have three minutes.
JOHNNY. And now we pause for a few quick
messages. So, don’t turn that dial. You are about
to see the whopping finish of ALL OUT! (to
ANNOUNCER furiously) Get me on the headset
now.
ANNOUNCER. Something wrong?
JOHNNY. I’m going to stop this right now!
ANNOUNCER. You can’t do that! We’re live!
JOHNNY. (on headset) Bill, you up there? Bill?
Listen, Bill, is this for real? I mean, those bullets
we’re giving these people are they… (listens to
the other end) Then we’ve got to stop this right
now! The audience out here will kill us. I can’t
talk up. I’ve got hundreds of eyes on me right
now. Listen, Bill, tell the producers… tell Stella
and Frank that this is wrong! They’ve gone too
far, Bill! (listen) For Chrissakes, hurry!

24
JOHNNY exits offstage with headset. JULIA and
WILLY are already in conversation.

WILLY. You said it yourself, Mama. Seven kids.

This one’s not gonna be missed that bad.
JULIA. You think because a mother has seven
of’em, that they aren’t each one precious? I ain’t
ever told you this, but you’re the oldest… and
you’ve always been my favorite.
WILLY. Ma, ain’t nothing gonna happen.
Believe me. I spin it around, take my click, and
we collect the loot. We’ll be rich. We could buy
ourselves a house on a block that has green
lawns! Somewhere like Westchester! Somewhere
close to the ocean! You’ll see, we’ll be laughing
and hugging each other cause we’ll have that
hundred thousand in our pockets.
JULIA. Oh, Willy, I do want that money! I feel
God wanted us on this show!
Willy. You’re right. God doesn’t want us poor!
Think of three meals a day with meat. Think of
no more crime. No more hassles with the pigs.
And all for one little click. (JULIA nods,
listening. Tears well into her eyes)
ELAINE. Charley, let’s just go home. I forgive
you for what you did. I know how it is to be
lonely and away from home so much. A person

25
gets weak, turns around, forgetful of those who
love him.
CHARLEY. I can’t go home now, Elaine. Don’t
you see?
ELAINE. Charley, something I always wanted to
tell you. I know you’ve got an awful drive to
make money…
CHARLEY. Not make money! To be somebody.
And you are somebody if you got money. People
pay attention. They respect you!
ELAINE. Okay, you always wanted to be
someone special. And I’ve seen you drive
yourself all the time. And I figured that’s what a
man is all about. He’s gotta make a success out
of himself. Because failure is bad stuff. And I
knew you wanted to succeed, Charley. But I want
to tell you, you always did in my eyes.
CHARLEY. That isn’t enough. C’mon, Eolaine,
it’ll be easy!
ELAINE. Just a minute, Charley. I never pushed
you, I never interfered with your drive, did I?
CHARLEY. You were always the good wife,
Elaine. Be a honey now, and we can get on with
it.
ELAINE. You know I love you. I love our
children, too, but you’re my man, and I love you
more. I’d gladly die for you, Charley, if it was

26
something I thought was really necessary.
Something that would make you happier.
CHARLEY. It’s the most important thing in our
whole lives. Don’t you see that, Elaine? We
talked about this before we came here.
ELAINE. I know. And I agreed to come along
because it seemed right for you to try really hard
for this money. But now, Charley, you’re asking
too much! Am I only worth one hundred
thousand dollars to you? Is that it, Charley?!
After all these years? Is that it?!
CHARLEY. Don’t yell! Of course you’re worth
more!
ELAINE. Am I, Charley?
CHARLEY. My god, Elaine, we’ve come so far,
don’t let me down now!
ELAINE. Alright, Charley. If you ask me to do
this thing, I will. (pause) But I will not love you
anymore.
CHARLEY. Sure, you will. You love me now,
don’t you?
ELAINE. I have. I think if we left right now, I
could go on loving you.
CHARLEY. Elaine, honey! We’ll still be the
same. Things like that don’t change.
ELAINE. If won’t if you don’t ask me. Let’s go
home right now, Charley. We can just walk off
right now and forget this whole thing.

27
MARY. I’ll make it up to you, Side.
SID. Not if I’m dead. What are you gonna do,
bring orchids to my grave?
MARY. Then we’re finished.
SID. Up to you, baby.
MARY. I mean it. After today, we’re quits. Don’t
come around and beg my forgiveness like the
time you ran off with that art major to Las Vegas.
I won’t be there! I’ll find someone new!
SID. You wouldn’t! You couldn’t do that to me!
MARY. It’s my life!
SID. Lower your voice! There are people out
there! Look, what are you trying to prove here?
That you’re as good as me? Mary, you’re better
than I am. What more do you want?
MARY. I want you to marry me.
SID. I… can’t…

ANNOUNCER. You can’t do that! You’ve

flipped, you’ve finally flipped! ALL OUT is an
American institution! People have a right to
watch what they want - enjoy themselves! This is
a free country, by God!
JOHNNY. It’s over, Lloyd! (to headset) Stop the
show!
ANNOUNCER. You can’t stop ALL OUT ,
Johnny. Nothing’s going to happen.

28
JOHNNY. And if it does?
ANNOUNCER. It won’t!
JOHNNY and ANNOUNCER glare at each other.
JOHNNY. How long can we go on being lucky?
(ANNOUNCER exits. To headset) You hear that,
Bill? Frank?
ANNOUNCER. On in five!
JOHNNY. You will be hearing from my lawyers.
Hello, ALL OUT fans, and welcome back to the
big one hundred thousand dollar portion of our
show. I know millions of you out there are
watching and waiting for the big answer. Will
our contestant go on and go all out? Let’s find
out right now! Julia Colby.
WILLY. She says she’s going on!
JOHNNY. I’m sorry, Willy. She must decide for
herself. What will it be, Julia?
WILLY. Look, we already decided–
JULIA. –NO! We’re not gonna do it! We’re not
gonna give… (at AUDIENCE) you out there a
spectacle of us! We could use that money,
probably more than anybody up here. But I don’t
want it. It costs too much! (at WILLY) C’mon,
let’s go home.

JULIA WILLY exit

29
JOHNNY. Julia Colby, ladies and gentlemen! A
Big hand for the lady! But she goes home with…
nothing! (audience applause) Mary Rosenberg,
have you talked it over? Have you made a
decision?
SID. I’ll do it, Mary. I see now that I should.
We… we could use the money, too, and… I…
Mary I … I love you.
MARY. I know that now, Sid. But it’s not
enough…
SID. Give me the gun!
JOHNNY. Up to her, Sid. Rules of our game.
MARY. Sid, you’re not what I want.
SID. But I volunteered to put a gun to my head! I
mean, I could’ve died right here! I’m scared so
bad I can hardly talk. But I’d take a click for you,
Mary. That’s how much I love you. Doesn’t that
do anything for you? Doesn’t that prove that I
love you? What more can I do, Mary?
MARY. I thought I could change something
between us, make it better. Somehow… but I was
a fool. It’ll never work.
MARY exits. SID stands stunned.
JOHNNY. There go our star-crossed lovers,
ladies and gentlemen! A big hand for Mary and
Sid! (SID is led offstage by ANNOUNCER) And
now, game show fans and fanatics, we have our

30
final and only contestant, Charley Ritter! Have
you talked it over, Charley?
CHARLEY. Yes, we did.
JOHNNY. And do you have a decision for us?
CHARLEY. Yeah. (pause) We want to do it! (He
does not look at ELAINE. The AUDIENCE goes
wild with applause.
JOHNNY. Ladies, gentlemen, we have a man
who wants to go ahead. And so, Lloyd, can we
have it, please?

ANNOUNCER enters again with the pillow.

There is only one thirty-eight special on its satin
surface. JOHNNY takes the gun and hands it to
CHARLEY.

JOHNNY. You load it, Charley. Rules of the

game. Only one.

(He hands it to CHARLEY, who immediately

takes it, then hesitates, but finally pops it in the
revolving chamber. He snaps it closed, pulls
back the hammer, and spins it around.
JOHNNY. Ladies and gentlemen. We are set!
The moment we have all been waiting for has
arrived! Hand Elaine the gun, Charley. Now,
Elaine. On One… and the audience will count
down with me. Okay Ten - Nine - (add

31
ANNOUNCER) Eight - Seven - Six - (Elaine
cocks the hammer. She never takes her eyes away
from CHARLEY.) Five - Four - Three (Elaine’s
hand is shaking badly) Two - One! (silence)
ELAINE. I hate you!

She pulls the trigger. Click. And before anyone

knows what’s happening, she pulls the trigger
again. Click. And again. Click. JOHNNY realises
what she’s doing, rushes to her, and yanks the
gun away.
JOHNNY. Elaine. Oh, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I
never… I’m a coward. The most I could do was
walk away, disapprove by my silence. If I said
what I want to say now… I guess we leave our
morals at home every time we want to win too
badly. We’ll do anything for money… fame…
power. Anything to make the front page of Time
or People… or our local newspapers. But
tonight… tonight I saw something happen,
something that if I don’t do something about, I
will feel rotten for the rest of my life. Tonight,
the winners took nothing! That’s right! You felt
it! You saw it! So did I. Going all out was a s–
ANNOUNCER. (stealing the microphone)–I
always knew you didn’t have it in you. Ladies
and gentlemen of America, Charley and Elaine
Ritter have won! They now have one hundred

32
thousand dollars! Isn’t that great? (silence. No
applause) Let’s show the audience what Charley
and Elaine have won tonight! (A suitcase of
money is brought onstage. Surrounded by
guards) And here you are, Charley Ritter? How
does it feel to have so much money?
CHARLEY. Wonderful, wonderful. I can’t
talk… (He is still looking at ELAINE)
ANNOUNCER. And his wonderful, loyal wife.
How do you feel, Elaine?
ELAINE. (monotone) We’re rich.
ANNOUNCER. Well, how about that? That’s all
for tonight, ladies and gentlemen! You’ve been a
witness to ALL OUT! And what a thrilling show
it was tonight! Until next week…(pass off to
JOHNNY)
JOHNNY. (visibly disturbed, shaken, going
through the motions) This is your host of hosts,
Johnny Mitchell, saying goodbye and asking
you… Do you have it to go all out?

33