THINGS TO DO WITH THE AVENGERS 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20.

21. 22. Annoy Clint while he's training. Ask Bruce Banner about his pants. Ask Natasha if her hips lie. Attempt to connect to Bruce Banner on an intellectual level. Be more afraid of Dr. Banner, than his green counterpart. Blow bubbles with Thor. Cockblock Tony Stark as often as possible, because it is your right. Go for a ride on Steve's motorcycle because it is your right. Go swimming with Steve. Have a meeting with the Avengers about how to improve future meetings. Have an argument with Tony Stark. Play Star-Spangled Banner in front of Steve Rogers because it is your right. Poke Bruce Banner. Pretend to be Tony's pregnant girlfriend whenever Tony flirts with someone else. Steal all of Tony's alcohol. Teach Captain America to dance because it is your right regardless if you have the skill to do so. Teach Thor the strange ways of humans. Throw water balloons at Clint. Twist seduction lessons from Natasha. Use cheesy pickup lines about cupid and arrows on Hawkeye. Watch infomercials with Thor. Whenever hacked, always blame Tony Stark.

S.H.I.E.L.D ADDITIONAL RULES

23. Hannah said it was okay is not a good enough reason to defy a director order from command. 24. Hulk SMASH! is not an effective diplomatic policy. 25. Operation Irritate the Fuck Out of Nick Fury is not an official mission, no matter what Tony or
26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. 40. 41. 42. 43. 44. 45. 46. 47. 48. 49. 50. 51. 52. 53. 54. 55.

Natasha say to the contrary. A robot Tony built does not count as a chaperone. Agent Coulsons name isnt Mom. Agent Hill is not the Avengers wicked stepmother. Blasting Dont Worry, Be Happy at top volume into Bruces room on loop overnight is not an effective way to suppress the Hulk. Bruce is not allowed to hack into personnel files to look up blackmail material on Director Fury. Clint is not allowed to continue insisting that is the final step of the interview process to terrified new hires. Clint is not allowed to lurk in the shadowy rafters spying on people, unless specifically instructed to do so for an official S.H.I.E.L.D. sanctioned mission. Clint is not allowed to put the security feed of the Hulks Teddy Bear dance on Youtube. Clint is not allowed to sell Thor any magic beans. Clints super-power is not being super-annoying. Debriefings should not be followed by tequila shots. Debriefings should not be preceded by tequila shots. Director Fury should never again be addressed as Dad Gumby is not the love child of Bruce Banner and Reed Richards. Hawkeye is not sitting in the rafters waiting to pick off people playing Galaga on their computer during work hours. If it makes Natasha crack a smile, its probably illegal. If it makes Tony giggle for more than 30 seconds, it isnt allowed. Iron Man is not making a promotional pin-up calendar. Or a sex tape. It is not funny to dare Bruce to drink three quarts of green food coloring before a urine test. Just because Bruce agreed to work in Tonys lab, does not mean he needs to get a Property of Stark Industries tattoo. MC Hammer did not write Thor a theme song. Natasha and Clint are not allowed to impersonate members of the clergy ever again. Ever. Natasha and Clint are not allowed to try to sell Tony to another planet, even if they are promised really cool new weapons in exchange. Natasha is not allowed to interrogate new S.H.I.E.L.D. employees and dispose of the ones she deems unworthy. Natashas glare is not in fact fatal. Tony is not allowed to continue implying that it is. Nikola Tesla is not a vampire being held in the bowels of S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters. No one is allowed to force-feed Bruce to see if he'll Hulk-out. Pants are not optional at team meetings. Post-mission reports to Director Fury should not start out So let me explain Steve is Captain America not Captain New York and those 49 other, lesser states.

56. Steve is not allowed to address any female S.H.I.E.L.D. agents as little lady, broad, or dame. It only ends in getting slapped. 57. Steve is not to be introduced as Captain Tightpants or The All-American Virgin. 58. The Avengers are not allowed to overthrow any government, without checking in with S.H.I.E.L.D. first. 59. The Avengers are not allowed to overthrow the American government, just because they didnt like the results from the last election. 60. The Avengers are not making a promotional pin-up calendar. Or a sex tape. 61. The Avengers do not charge into battle, naked like the Celts. Except for The Hulk. Sometimes. 62. The Avengers will not be celebrating Steves 92nd birthday. 63. The following words and phrases are never to be uttered over communication devices during an active mission ever again: Exploring sexuality, Necrophilia, Its getting hot in Herr, so take off all your clothes, I hate everyone on this mission and I wish theyd die in a fire, Nick Fury can go suck on a big bag of sausages, references to Bruces giant stash of weed, mention of anyones erection, or Shawarma. 64. The laboratory is not Tony and Bruces Super Secret Genius Clubhouse. They are not allowed to bar entry to employees based on IQ test results. 65. The phrase Trust me, Im a doctor never leads anywhere good. 66. The words Whats the worst that could happen? are never to be uttered on a mission ever again. 67. There are to be no shots of any kind during debriefings. 68. Thor and Hulk will wait to fight until after the battle is over. 69. Thor is not allowed to bring down the wrath of Odinson on the person who ate the last package of pop-tarts. 70. Thor is not allowed to be naked at Headquarters. Ever. 71. Thor is not allowed to join in and make the biggest boom with his hammer. 72. Thor taking Jane to see Asgard does not count as an alien abduction. Clint should stop referring to it as such. 73. Tony and Bruce are not allowed to go searching for him in the name of Science! 74. Tony and Bruce are not allowed to go to any science conferences without a chaperone. 75. Tony and Bruce are not allowed to have a contest to see who can make a bigger boom in the lab. 76. Tony is not allowed to bribe Natasha and Clint to physically, emotionally or psychologically torture General Ross for being a great big douche-bucket and being mean to Brucie-kins. 77. Tony is not allowed to broadcast sing-along songs into the Hulk-cage, no matter amusing he finds teaching Hulk Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around 78. Tony is not allowed to buy the Dodgers and move them back to Brooklyn to apologize for lighting Steves hair on fire. 79. Tony is not allowed to convince Bruce to help him make death ray goggles so that it will be. 80. Tony is not allowed to design a robot to draw said tattoo on Bruce when he falls asleep in the lab. 81. Tony is not allowed to insist that hes already done so and that Furys middle name is Rainbow Sprinkles. Because it isnt. 82. Tony is not allowed to replace the entire contents of the cafeteria with pop-tarts just because Thor has declared it the food of the gods. 83. Tony Stark is not Gods gift to women. 84. Tony Stark is not making a promotional pin-up calendar. Or a sex tape.