485 B

In this paper, I will reflect upon and analyze the experiences on diversity that I discussed
in 485 A. I will give detailed, in-depth conclusions as to how these issues affected my
development in late adolescence and adulthood, and their effects on my development.
1. Theories from HD 484 A: In late adolescence, I learned that for some people, lying in
order to make money is more important than the safety of others. I learned that racial prejudice
casts a terrible element of hate amongst those who practice it. I learned that when people believe
that members of one race are less valuable than those of a different race, they dehumanize each
other. Such indifference can escalate to a level that one may not care whether the dissimilar
person may live or die. I learned that in a life-threatening situation, disassociating and letting
another horrible crime occur in order to survive the entire situation, may increase chances of
survival. I learned that some people are brave and empathetic enough to come to a victim's aid
and report crime to the police. I learned that the raging anger which results from a rape, can
transform to courage. I learned that a woman who is raped finds redemption and power in
reporting the rape and sending the criminal to prison. I learned that when a woman participates in
the incarceration of a rapist, she feels comfort in knowing that no other women will endure the
same experience. I learned that law enforcement really is there to protect people, and solve
criminal cases.
In adulthood, I learned that a person who discloses mental illness to others-even
to medical professionals-can experience insensitive, questions regarding their disability. I learned
that a person who is on disability will feel pressured to defend themselves against hostile
attitudes and attacks on their character, as perceived by others' mistrust and doubt. I learned that
being doubted for having an invisible disability will make a person feel deficient, judged,
1

exasperated, disrespected, and condescended to.

I learned that a physician who seems proficient and respectful can change behavior based
on discovery of illnesses in a patient, such as bipolar disorder and alcoholism. I learned that
persons to whom reproductive sterilization is suggested due to such disorders will feel insulted,
disgusted, shocked, gutted and perplexed.
I learned that a person will feel satisfied and confident to distance themselves
from judgmental, unethical doctors. I learned that judgment and distorted perceptions do not
define others, and one's self worth is most important.
2. Key issues: The key issues that my diversity theory addresses in late
adolescence are: the extreme harm that racial prejudice can cause, and the fallout and ultimate
evolution of emotions which resulted from it. In adulthood, the key issues are: that the disclosure
of stigmatized illnesses, even to a doctor, can result in judgment, distrust, and frustration.
3. Examples of patterns of behavior formed by these issues: In late
adolescence, the patterns of behavior from this experience manifested in the form of emotional
disturbances. The rape was demonstrative of how hate and prejudice transformed into violence
and was carried out for the sole purpose of causing harm and gaining control.
Immediately after the attack my behaviors changed. I began to
experience Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I was ill at ease and never felt safe. I could not stand to be alone,
and could rarely leave my home. I felt panicky and terrified when I had to go to public places. A
person walking too closely or accidently bumping into me on the street would cause a
humiliating emotional melt-down.
Being approached from behind would throw me into

absolute hysteria. For many years following the attack, if an unknowing friend would
lightheartedly sneak up behind me to tap my shoulder saying, Boo! I would leap and let out an
involuntary, blood-curdling scream. This in particular would jump-start my frazzled brain
circuitry, reawakening the neuro-pathways of trauma and starting the cycle of memories,
nightmares and anxiety all over again.

Randomly occurring, horrific

hallucinations sprung up in my mind's eye. In places where no danger actually existed, fear and
dread would paralyze me. I was unable to open closed doors or even look behind the shower
curtain in my own home. I anticipated an intruder, or a scene of violent, gory carnage. I felt
certain that something gruesome awaited me on the other side.

For many years after

the rape, I wanted to end my life. I turned my rage inward, loathing myself and my life. Deep
shame and secrecy resulted in a lengthy, severe depression.

I drank alcohol in exorbitant

quantities to kill emotional pain. Bouts of drinking and depression were occasional before the
attack, but they were intensified and swiftly increased afterwards. I rapidly spiraled into darkness
and isolation.

In adulthood, the behavioral patterns which

formed were anger and defensiveness. The negative responses that came from biased medical
professionals made the need to disclose my mental illness and alcoholism tiresome and angst
provoking.

Routine healthcare questions became a battleground

for mistrust and a bizarre form of character assassination. I became accustomed-almost

expectant-to the inappropriate questions, accompanied by instant judgment and sideward,
suspicious looks.

Frustrated and exasperated, I sometimes chose not

to mention alcoholism and bipolar disorder in my medical history. When the need would
inevitably arise later, I was met with magnified cynicism, distrust and resentment for not
disclosing it sooner.

If I sensed a doctors discomfort, it was implied that

something was "wrong" with me, or that I was paranoid. That made me question myself,
wondering if I was imagining things. I knew that a patient without a psychiatric diagnosis could
voice concern or disagreement with impunity, without having their character or sanity
questioned.

Simmering silently in anger, I

knew that any questions or opposition would be chalked up to "instability" due to my

problems. I resented being dismissed as insane and possessing no sense or credibility, but I
would rarely verbalize my feelings. It was made clear from my attitude, which was bitter,
defensive, and defiant.

4. Examples

of changing negative patterns: After years of struggling unsuccessfully on my own, the

untreated effects of trauma became unbearable. My emotional pain, disturbances and selfdestructive behaviors finally became a catalyst for healing.

Working with a

trauma specialist, I identified my issues and dealt with my emotions through cognitive behavioral
therapy. I stayed open-minded and was willing to try any measures which could possibly help me
psychologically process and heal. I agreed to the option my therapist offered to utilize EMDR:
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, and it helped.
I listened when my therapist
commended my courage in confronting the rapist and sending him to prison. She helped me
credit myself for my strength, and that my survival instincts allowed me to live through such a
brutal attack. I understood when she explained that, had I handled it any differently at all, I
indubitably would have been murdered.

The repercussions of another

persons racial bias influenced him to commit criminal acts. Rape is a violent act of control, and I
believe that I was targeted to confirm-without any doubt- that I did not belong there, because I
was not part of the same race or socio-economic culture.

Despite the race of the

attacker, I did not feel hatred toward African-American men, or African-Americans in general.
Had I chosen to engage in racist thinking, I would have been, in essence, practicing a different
form of the same prejudice and sickness as the rapist himself. I gained a new level of clarity on
how hate can motivate people in unspeakable ways, but I would absolutely not hold an entire
race of people responsible for the act of one disturbed individual.

I released shame and

self-loathing, because it did not serve me. I ultimately understood that I was not to blame for the
rape, and it did not have to control my life. I regained my emotional freedom, by changing my
perceptions and re-establishing my self-worth.

In terms of changing the

negative patterns concerning the bias and oppressive conduct of inappropriate doctors, I varied
my approach and my thinking.

I acknowledged that some

doctors will have an inflated sense of self-importance or authority. I stopped letting their
temperament undermine me, or imply that I am an inferior, defective simpleton who cannot
make sound decisions for herself. My consistent efforts at improving and maintaining my mental
health garnered self-respect; which is far more valuable to me than approval from anyone elsephysician or not. I stopped investing in their opinions.

By completely accepting my

health issues, I found the courage to stand up for myself. I stopped being uneasy or ashamed. I
owned my choice to maintain and exercise my dignity instead of seething and becoming
embittered. When a doctor was an unsuitable match, it did not have to be a personal matter. I
simply sought one out who was not biased or closed-minded.

5. Building upon positive

behaviors: I have been able to build upon positive behaviors by standing firm to my own
boundaries and self-respect. I gained confidence and self-acceptance through continued therapy.
This was built up and combined with other practical solutions that I learned to implement and
practice when I made the decision to get sober and change my life entirely. I found a sense of

responsibility to myself for my own well-being and treatment from trauma, bipolar disorder, and
from alcoholism.

I finally understood

that I deserve to be treated with respect. I stopped tolerating inappropriate behavior, regardless of
its source. I learned to exercise restraint, and to do so with dignity. Curbing my impulses to be
volatile and reactive gave me peace of mind which was reinforced by not compromising my own
beliefs and standards. I abandoned my self-imposed, false sense of obligation or subordination
by recognizing my own value, intellect and self-worth.

Most supportive to my ability

to deal with the societal biases and oppression has been my participation in therapy and other
support groups. They have provided me with mentorship and given me the opportunity to act as a
mentor to others. As a result, I have become more open and trusting to appropriate people under
the right circumstances.

One of the most powerful and

useful practices I have utilized has been learning to share my most painful and difficult
experiences openly with others, when it may be beneficial to them.

I have discovered that

rape and other trauma is heartbreakingly common. Receiving the help that I needed to survive,
made it possible for me to create a meaningful, satisfying life for myself. Offering support to
others, as I was offered, promotes healing and personal growth for both parties. It comforts
others in knowing that they are not alone or unworthy of happiness and healing. It gives purpose
and positive use to experiences which otherwise could have easily destroyed me. Focusing on
being helpful to others removes a sense of shame and self-pity, and frees me from a self-centered
perspective as a helpless victim.

6. Does my theory

speak for others? Are there hidden assumptions? My theory is only reflective on my personal
experiences. Parts of it may or may not speak for others. Common symptoms may result from
rape and Post-Traumatic-Stress Disorder, but each individual acts upon a different emotional and

experiential constitution. This is applicable in cases of trauma, and discrimination or oppression.

How others perceive or
manage their own issues of mental illness is completely unknown. I cannot presume to know
how they interact with others, who stigmatize or oppress them, or what their responses may be.
Hidden assumptions exist, because I
can only theorize based on the scope of my own experiences. It is possible that similar
experiences would render a totally different outcome for others, based on specifics of the crime
and the offender, their age when the trauma occurred, a lack of alcoholism or bipolar disorder,
and a lack of seeking treatment or psychological assistance. Whether or not they had the
opportunity to incarcerate the offender may significantly change the outcome and emotional
resolution. The possibilities are endless.

7.) & 8.) Given this

diversity theory, what is not addressed; what is left out? & How could what was omitted be
included? Any

number of variables which remain unaddressed here exist, and depend on

evaluating and comparing the experiences of others. I am qualified to give my perspectives based
solely on my own experiences; in this case, as a female who is alcoholic and bipolar who has
experienced rape, robbery, and bias due to a particular psychiatric diagnosis.

The

experiences of men who suffered trauma or violent crimes would likely vary, as would those of
others of any gender who are not alcoholic or bipolar. Elements of diversity, such as race, sexual
orientation, age, and socio-economic status also come into play, and would render completely
different outcomes and viewpoints.

The

only way to include what may have been omitted would be to survey or study any subcategories
of my theory. This merely scratches the surface of a much broader realm of the experiences and
functionality of others.

I have chosen

to utilize all of my experiences to strive for a positive outcome, lest they be a pity and a waste. It
has served to reinstate the power of my spirit as a survivor and a person who seeks a sense of
continual growth and evolution toward positivity. All of these elements have given me a sense of
accountability for my own emotional freedom, and it is tremendously rewarding.
The results and
affects on others depend on their styles of coping and an ability to move forward. Additionally,
the shame and stigma of issues of this nature would likely cause a hindrance in attempting to
gather information.