Retold by Ann ATAMAS, Group 33-E

A man makes contact with God and says: “Oh Lord, do you
mind if I ask you a few questions?”
God replies: “No, son, ask me whatever you like. “
So the man says: “God, you’ve been around for an eternity,
so, for you, how long is a thousand
years?”
“For me, a thousand years is only five
minutes,” answers God.
The man then says: “How interesting,
Your Almighty! And how much is a million dollars for you? “
God replies: “For me, a million dollars is only five cents”.
The man says “Really? Well, then, Lord, could you lend me five
cents please?”
God looks at the man, smiles, and says: “Of course, my son, just wait five minutes”.

Angels’ Company
Made by Alex MELNYCHENKO,
Group 33-E
Sometime in the late 1890s, a new priest arrives in a Finnish village and decides to
get acquainted with parishioners, personally visiting every home. So he knocks on
peasant Jussi’s door. From behind the window comes the voice of Jussi’s wife:
“Is that you, my angel?”
The priest hesitates for a moment and replies:
Skydiving
Retold by Sasha BARCHUK, Group 32-E
Yesterday, Bill went up in an airplane for the first
time. Unfortunately, he fell out. Fortunately, he
had a parachute. Unfortunately, it didn't open.
Fortunately, there was a haystack below.
Unfortunately, there was a pitchfork in the
haystack. Fortunately, Bill missed the
pitchfork. Unfortunately, he also missed the
haystack.

__________________________________________________

“You said I should spend more time with our children, so I turned their faces
into icons.”
Vlad KUZMENKO, Group 32-E
Blonde’s Mail
Retold by Ann MOROZ, Group 32-E
A man is mowing his lawn. His neighbor, a blonde, goes out of
the next-door house, opens the mail box, peeps in there, slams
it shut and rushes back home. Minutes later, the neighbor runs
out again, peeps in the mail box and returns home. When same
thing happens for the third time, the man can keep it for no
more:
“What’s the matter? Has anything happened?”
“Exactly, something’s happened. My stupid computer reports all
the time: YOU GOT MAIL!”
From Vlad BUDCHENKO’S collection (Group 33-E)
 Cyclist’s Shopping List (left)
Well, I’m working in a sports store…
Two months ago I sold a bike to a
man. Few days later that man came
back with scratched hands, and
bought gloves for cycling. A week
later, guess what? Yes, he came back
again with scratched elbows and
bought some elbow protection.
Another week passed and that man
came back again and bought shin
protection….. Since that time, I
haven’t seen him…. And I still got an
unsold helmet…. I’ve started to
worry for that man.

ELEVATor?
(below)
Imagine an elevator on the top floor. There are four people in it, and a sign “no more than four
persons” Suddenly another man enters it. One of the guys in the elevator starts screaming that the
limit is four persons. And then a woman next to him says “Don’t worry, we go down anyway.”
 Job Opportunity
Retold by Yuri ISCHENKO, Group 33-E
There is a little firm, which has just
retired its guard. The firm boss’s
friend advises him to place an ad in
the newspaper with the following
text: “Small firm needs a guard for a
permanent Job”. The Boss follows his advice. Next day the
boss meets his friend and the friend asks him if there are any
results.
“Actually yes,” replies the boss, “This night our firm was
burgled and robbed.”

Dog Property Rules

Presented by Oleksandr SIKORSKYI, Group 33-E
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it’s in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it
automatically becomes mine.
10. If it’s broken, it's yours.
Retold by Katia BOIKO, Group 33-E

№1 Philosophy Exam
(True story)

A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first

examination.

On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is
this a question?" - Discuss.

After a short time he wrote: "If that is a

question, then this is an answer."

The student received an "A" on the exam.

№2 Geography Class

Teacher: What is the axis of the earth?

Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which

passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth
revolves.

Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that

line?

Student: Yes, Sir.

Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?

Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.

Anecdotes retold by
Yaroslava MARTSENYUK, Group 32-E

War Hero

A grandchild is asking a grandfather:

- Grandfather, your hand was torn off in a war,
wasn't it?
- Yes, it was, grandchild.
- How did it happen?
- When I was being pulled into recruiting station.

Voice From Out There

(Cartoon unrelated)

- Miss Brown, how is my grandchild doing at

school?
- Not bad, but yesterday he asked permission to
attend your funeral.

Scary Movie

- Who was watching the horror film

yesterday?
- I was.
- Go and clean after yourself!

NASA Technology

Presented by Vladyslav SMIRINSKYI,

Group 33-E

When NASA first started sending up

astronauts, they quickly discovered that
ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent
a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that
writes in zero gravity, upside down,
underwater, on almost any surface including
glass and at temperatures ranging from below
freezing to 300C.
The Russians used a pencil.

Medical cartoons contributed by Kate SEMIRYAZHKO, Group 32-E

Medical cartoons contributed by Kate SEMIRYAZHKO, Group 32-E
ON THE ROAD

A woman behind a steering wheel is like a

star in the sky. You see her, but she does not
see you.

A policeman stops a speeding car with a blonde

behind the steering wheel.
- Can I see your driver’s license, madam?
- What do I have to give you?
- Your driver’s license, madam.
- And how does it look like?
- That is a little flat thing with your image.
- Aaa, (She rummages in her bag, and produces a mirror.) Here you are,
officer.
He looks in the mirror and says:
- Well, why did not you say that you are a policeman?
_____________________________________________________________________________

A blonde crashes her car into the back of

another car. The driver gets out and asks:
- Have you ever passed a driver’s test?
- Of course! And also I can tell you more!!! I
have passed it a lot of times.

Tkachenko Ulyana, Group 32-E

MORE CARTOONS ON FEMALE DRIVERS
Contributed by Viktor SKRYNNIKOV, Group 32-E
Extremes meet
Retold and illustrated by Sasha
TRETEVYCH, Group 33-E

A little girl at a wedding

asked:”Mommy, why do brides always
wear white??”
“Because they are happy”, the mom
replied.
Halfway through the wedding, the girl
whispered: “Mommy, if brides wear
white because they are happy, then
why do grooms wear black?”

For Idea’s Sake

Retold and illustrated by Oles RYABCHUK, Group 32-E

Moscow, 1961. At a local CPSU ‘partkom’.

-Good afternoon, comrade Petrovski! So, you apply for joining the Communist Party,
don’t you?
-Yes,comrade Ivanov, I want to join the Communist Party. And I want to be
useful for our country!
-Very well. But first you have to answer some questions, comrade Petrovski!
-Yes, of course. I am listening to you very attentively.
-Question number one: are you ready to abandon your family for the Party?
-Yes, I can.
-Very good. Question
number two: do you
drink vodka?
-Yes, of course!
-Fine, but can you
quit drinking, for the
Party?
-Yes.
-Question number
three: do you smoke?
-Yes, I do.
-I see, but can you
quit smoking for the
Party?
-Yes. I can.
-And, my favorite:
Can you give your life for
the Party?
-Yes. Yes! Who needs
such a life?!