Haasil

Ladki badnaam thi... Lekin biradari ke liye kaha ki chalo hum nibhayenge...
Lekin aapke ghar se ho gai gaddari aur ladki furrr ho gai....arey kaisa khandaan hai aap
logo ka.. Ghar ke damad ke saath aisa saluk..humne kapda wapda silwa liya subeh se
pehan ke baithe hain ghar wale barati ban ke baithe hain ab kya kahen unse ke humari
dulhan bhaag gai...
Hume shaq hai inpar...khair hum aapke naazon se pali banno ko tho dhund lenge lekin
uski utni ijaat nahi kar paayenge ab use hum khilona bana kar rakhenge....aur ye jada josh
na dikhaiye nahi toh aapko mandap me ghuma denge aur kasam se humko koi rok nahi
paayega is josh ko bacha ke rakhiye aur ladki ko dhundne me lagaiye warna kal toh hum
aa hi rahe hain aur kisi na kisi ko le kar jaayenge.. Bata rahe hain

Saare Jahaan Se Mehenga:

Babuji kya kar rahe ho? Kya kar rahe ho aap? Kisi ke bhi pair pakad le raho ho aap. Kya
kiya hai hamne aisa? Haan bhai kya kiya hai hamne aisa? Jo hamare parivar ki aisi
beizzati ho rahi hai.
Arre hai farzi. Nahin bechte ham kisi ko kuch. Lekin phir bhi ye dukaan hai. Mere bhai ki
dukaan hai, Gopal ki dukaan. Jo sirf mujhe samaan bechti hai. Isme kisi ko kya pareshani
hai? Mujhe sirf ek aisi dukaan chahiye jahaan raaton raat kimat na badhti ho. Main apne
parivaar ka pate bhar sakun. Bechna hi hai na! Ye Lo! Ye lo! Ye maine kharida Gud, ye
rahe paise. Ye Raha Taraju. Ab iska faisla bhi aap hi karoge ke kisko bechna hai? Haan!
Bhaisahab! Mehenga hone par bechna nahin chahte sahab ham. Mehenga hone par sasta
hi khareedna chahte hain. Isme aapko aur aapki sarkar ko kya pareshani hai?
Idhar aa! Khada rehta hai. Pakad ise. Loan diya hai na ise? Rozgaar ke liye, taaki ye apne
parivar ka pate bhar sake. Wahi to kar raha hai ye. Cheezon ke daam badhte jayenge to
kahaan se parivaar ka pate bhar sakega, to isse achcha rozgaar kya hua ke 3 saal tak aap
usi keemat par bhar pate kha sako!
Ye to aapki sarkar bhi nahin kar paa rahi.
Arre jab akhbaar mein khabar chapti hai ke raat 12 baje se petrol ke daam badhne wale
hain, to petrol pump jaate ho ke nahin tanki full karane? Wo jamaakhori hai? Na. Wo
petrol aap bechte nahin ho. Balki apne hi kuch paise bachate ho. Taaki kal ko aapke zaruri
kharcho mein koi kami na ho. Bas. Isi chinta mein zindagi kharch ho rahi hai. Kharchon
ke dar ne to zaruratein kam kar di hamari. Mehengai ki wajah se kitni zaruri cheezein
ham se kab chin gayi pata bhi nahin chala. Mehengi sirf cheezein nahin hoti balki uske
saath sab kuch mehenga ho jata hai, rishta bhi nata bhi pyar bhi hansi bhi.
Babuji! Jis din inke man ka khana banta hai na! 2 din khush rehte hain mujhse. Pyaar se
baat karte hain mujhse Babuji. 1 baar sirf 1 baar saal mein maan ka shraadh aataa hai, us
mein bhi kharcha bachane ki sochta hoon mein. Mehengai ki chidchidahat ne sab khatam
kar diya hai, rishte naate sab kuch. Kharche ke darr se kahin jaane ki himmat hi nahin
hoti. Darr lagta hai ke bhagwan koi mehmaan na aa jaye kabhi. 2 saal se apni biwi ko
picture tak dikhane nahin le gaya hoon. Bike petrol ki jagah khoon choosti hai khoon!
Kayi saalon tak mujhe bhagwan se shikayat thi, ke usne mujhe aulaad nahin di. Lekin aaj
sochta hoon ke aulad hoti to pata nahin use dhang se khila pata ke nahin!
Bauji ham sadak par aa chuke hain bauji.

D-day
ASHWINI
Welcome back...
Goldman starts to laugh. Slowly at first. Then raucously.
Ashwini, Zoya and Rudra look at him.
Welcome back... Yehi kehney ke liye kiya itna sab? Pachaas logon ke oopar zaaya ho
gaye... Aapke is welcome back ke chakkar mein... Lee aaye naa yahan...? Khush? Ab
photo voto khinchvaalo... Jaise shikari khinchvaate hain marey sher ke saath? Bhai
INDIA'S MOST WANTED ko pakad laaye ho tum...hain... Kyon ki ek saal baad tumhe
pata chalega ke Tihar, Arthur Road ya Yerwada jail se main vohi kar raha hoon jo Dubai,
Jeddah ya Karachi mein kar raha tha...
Mumbai meri mashhoqa... Wapas toh main khud aana chahta tha... Baat bhi ki thi...
(ponting to Ashwini) Sahab ko sab maloom hai... Confirm karlo, fauji... Aur yeh bhi pata
kar lo ke kyon nahi aaya... Yahan ki sarkar chahti bhi hai ke main wapas aaoon? Maine
tere Wali Khan se kaha tha naa ke sab bikte hain... Bas daam pata hona chahiye... Yeh
sabak kahin bahar nahi... Yahin India mein... At Goldman. jahaan se achha Hindostan
humara mein... (To Rudra) Kuch nahi hoga fauji... Kuch nahi hoga... Thokkney ka chance
tha tere paas... Nahi thoka toone...Kyonki desh ki tarah tera bhi problem hai... Chance do
sabko...Chahey woh neta ho... police ho...Main hoon ya... Voh chootiya jo camera ke
aagey khadey hokey logon ko Churchgate station pe udaa raha tha... Kya kiya tum logon
ne? Chaar saal khaatirdaari ki uski aur phir khush ho gaye ke phaansi chadha di... Arre
chootiyon... Woh toh marne ke liye aaya tha... Use maarke kya khush ho rahe ho?
(To Ashwini) Mere saath bhi wohi circus hogi...Arrest karoge... Channel pe panel
bulaoge... Train mein baaten hongi... Breaking news pe sabun tel bikega... Barkha bolegi,
Rajdeep bolega... Arnab Goswami chillayega... Phir sab thak jayenge aur main Big Boss
chala jaunga...Jeet bhi jaunga... Aakhir Bhai hoon... Pata hai inaam ki rakam se kya
karunga? Ek shaheed smarak banaoonga... Desh ke liye apni aur biwi bachon ki jaan dene
waley chutiyon ke naam... Sabse upar naam hoga tere us Wali Khan ka...Do linein aur bhi
likh doonga...`Saarey jahan se achcha...

D-Day 2
DIRECTOR
Ashwini...Mera court martial ho
sakta hai...
ASHWINI
(smiles)
Isi liye toh yahan aaya hoon... Desh ke liye apna court martial sirf tum jaisa paagal kar
sakta hai...Sarabjeet, saalon se bolte aa rahe hain...Bureaucracy, Red Tape, Rules,
corruption, politics...Bahut bol chuke ab... Yehi ek mauka hai kuch karne ka...Yeh tumour
hai, Sarabjeet...Donon deshon ke liye...Aur tumour ko nikalne ke liye gehra ghaav karna
padta hai... Zakhm baad mein bhar lenge hum...Let's just do this now...
DIRECTOR
Lekin yeh tum aur main nahi decide
kar sakte...
ASHWINI
Kyon nahi kar sakte? Gandhiji ka naam leke government doosra gaal aage karti hai par
thappad toh hum jaise log khaate hain...Zaveri Bazar, German bakery, Parliament house,
Bangalore bus depot, Hyderabad...It just doesn't end...Sarabjeet...Main kuch naya nahi
keh raha hoon...Tum bhi jaante ho ke sab ko sab pata hai...Bas koi kuch nahi kar raha...Ek
operation...Sirf ek aisa operation ho jaye toh himmat nahi hogi kisiki...Asli dushman woh
nahi jo bombs chhod jaate hain...Haath toh unka kaatna chahiye jo unhe yeh bombs aur
guns dete hain...And he's the guy....
DIRECTOR
Kya chahtey ho mujhse?
ASHWINI
Kuch bhi nahi...Just look the
other way...

D-day 3
Tum bhi itna mat socho...
(Wali Khan says nothing. Just continues eating.)
Kyon begaani shaadi mein deewane ho rahe ho? Udhar Indian Government gaa rahi hai
hum aapke hain Kaun... Tum saale ga rahey ho kar chaley hum fida jaan-o-tan saathiyo?
Chalo, tumhey shahadat ka shauq hai... Par bete ka kya kasoor?
Main jaanta hoon ke bete ka pyar kya hota hai...Mera beta bachpan mein ek minute door
nahi reh sakta tha mujhse...Par kuch hi saalon mein paper padhne laga... Phir kya?
Pata pad gaya kya karte hain Abbu... Uske baad hamesha uski aankhon mein sawal dikhta
hai mujhe... Kyon? Tumhe bhi wohi nazar aayega... Tumpe bhi wohi thappa lagega...
Hum donon mein bhale hi aasman zameen ka farq ho... Bachchon mein ratti bhar farq
nahi rahega...
Wali Khan looks at the phone. Then picks up the phone and
hands it to Zoya.
WALI KHAN
(Pointing the gun)
Number hai phone pe... Baat karo...
Bolo do ghantey hain unke paas...
Kabir se baat karvaye...
Goldman laughs.
GOLDMAN
Der aaye durust aaye...

Udaan
The Inspector watches Rohan, gets up and comes to the
cell door.
INSPECTOR
Gaadi kaahe todey?
Rohan doesn't reply. The Inspector waits for a while.
ROHAN
Woh mera upanyaas phaadey, hum gaadi tod
diye...
INSPECTOR
Dus rupaye ka milta hai upanyas, railway
station pe... gaadi pata hai kitne ki aati
hai?
ROHAN
Mera upanyaas. Jo hum khud likhe the...
INSPECTOR
Upanyas likhtey ho tum...Kaahe zindagi barbaad kar rahey ho?
Rohan doesn't reply. The inspector looks at him.
ROHAN
Meri school ki pahli chutti thi... humko
abhi bhi yaad hai, bahut thandi pad rahi
thi... hum hostel ke baahar sardi mein
thithurte, apna saman ke saath khadey
they...
Rohan sits with the inspector at his desk.
ROHAN
Naha dho ke taitar... sab bachche apne apne
ghar jaa rahe they... koi bus mein, koi ke
maa baap lene aaye they. Boarding mein
bachchon ki shakal dekhne layak hoti hai
jab wo apne papa mummy ki shakal dekhte
hain... hum bhi soch rahe they ki agar meri
mummy zinda hoteen to... humko dekh kar
kaise ro padteen... hansti... lekin mummy
nahin thi... sirf papa they. Phir bhi hum

taras rahe they unko dekhne ko, humko ghar

jaana tha... dheery dheerey mere saarey
dost chale gaye... hum akeley khade they...
akele thandi jyaada lagti hai... phir hum
dekhe ki principal aur housemaster meri
taraf aa rahe hain... hum darr gaye... papa
ko bhi to kuch nahi ho gaya... woh humko
andar le ke gaye aur boley beta, tumhare
papa ka koi kaam aa pada hai aur woh nahi
aa payenge toh yeh chutti mein tumko school
mein hi rahna padega... agle din Shimla
mein baraf padi... sab paani ka pipe jam
gaya... khidki me se khoon jama dene waali
hawa andar aane lagi... mere paas kitaabein
padhney ke bajaaye aur kuchh nahi tha karne ko... uske
alaawa ek PT incharge the jo saara samay
bidi phoonkte the... aur ek rasoiya... bas... Woh pahli chutti thi...
chauthi chutti
mein hum apna novel likhna shuru kiye...
pichle saal khatam kiya aur pichhle hafte..."Sir" ne use jala diya...

Udaan 2
APU
Mere aur hamaare baap ke beech mein kya
hua pata hai? Original Muqaddar ka Sikandar tha mera
baap. Saara din nashe mein dhut. Subah
uthte hi moonh mein sharab. Kulla sharab
se, khaata sharab, peeta sharab aur mootta
bhi sharab tha. Ma ka mangalsutra bhi
bech daala sharab ke liye... Aur jab ma mana karti bhi peene se to
pahle gaali deta tha, phir maarta tha... hum aur
meri bahan bas khade dekhte the... ek din
hum ghar laute to mera baap ma ki dhulai
kar raha tha. Ab Ma kapda ka gatthhar to
hai nahin, to humko gussa aaya... hum usko
uski kameez se pakde aur ban gaye Amjad
Khan..."Bahut hua tumhaara drama", jor se bola
hum. Phir ghar se baahar dhakela, bola
"dobaara idhar moonh karne ki zaroorat
nahin" aur kivaad style mein band kiya.
Palte ma ki taraf, soche vah humko galle
lagayegi... lekin milla humko dhadak se ek
thappad. Phir vah Rakhi Gulzar uth ke
baahar gayee, aur utha layee us Muqaddar
ke sikandar ko andar... boli jo bhi hai
vah hamaara Amitabh hai aur tum uske
Abhishek.. Hum ussi din najaayaj ho gaye... lawaaris...
ghar chhod diya...Lekin Jamshedpur nahin chhoda... meri sabsi
badi galti...
Yaar ye devdas-giri humko maar daale usse
pahle...Humko ladaai chahiye...

No Smoking
GURUJI
Abbas ne jab paheli baar tumko cigarette di...Dekhne ke liye... machisiya
tumne apni jeb se nikali thi...Uska daam tab tha pachhas paise...Panwadi
ki dukaan tak jane ka tumhara indhan ka kharcha...Maa bauji se chhupane
ki liye jo tum mukhwaas...Mint kharidte the... Cigarette pite pite phir
tumne bumbhole shuru kiya...Aur ek baar milawat wala Gaanja pine se
tumhara bumbhole ho gaya...Aspatal le jaana pada us baar to bus aspatal
ka bill tha...Tumhara pet saaf karne ka dedh laakh...har astray...machis,
lighter,bidi aur phir mota wala bida, cigar, har khansi jo tumhe cigarrete
se hui...Har glycodine, phensydyl,Korex,har strepsil, Erithromycin,
Augmentin...har bimari jo tumhen is cigarrete se huwi...jitni baar tumhen
tumhare client ne...Tumhen dhumrapaan karne se mana kiya aur tum
meeting isthagit karke chale gaye... Usmein tumhara nuksaan, tumhari
patni ki bimari...Tumhare bhai ke asthama mein tees pratishat tumhare
hisse ka hai...Ek baar chaalis hazar ki cheeni silk ki tie jalayee ...Char baar
apne gadde jalaye... Is cigarette ki wajah se ... Tumhari dhande ka karodon
ka nuksaan alag kar ke...Tumhara kharcha huwa hai...Taintees laakh
chhiyalis hazar aath sau chhabbis rupye aur pachhhattar paise... Aur ab
bhi nahin roka to itna aur dhan tum vyarth karoge...agle Saat saalon
mein...toh...
Puts the TV off...
GURUJI
Tumhen isse nijaat dilane ka... Pachchis laakh ziyada nahin hai beta..
K just looks at Guruji mesmerized...Guruji at him...
GURUJI
Dastakhat kar do...
K keeps looking...
CUT TO :
K signs the cheque...gives it to him...He give it to Chaurasiya...
K
Ab kya karna hoga ...
GURUJI
Khade ho...
K stands up...Guruji walks upto him...Starts checking his pocket...Take out
a cigarette packet...Gives it to the woman who takes it...
GURUJI

Kutch nahin...Bus aaj ke baad... (looks at him) NO ISMOKING ....

Dhoomrapaan nished...
K
Matlab...
GURUJI
Matlab ki...Aaj ke baad tum kabhi cigarette nahin peeyoge...Chhup ke bhi
nahin...
He walks to the TV...Takes other tape that Chaurasiya gets with him...puts
it in VCR...
GURUJI
Stool yahan kheench lo...
K comes to the TV sits down...Guruji plays it...Smacks the TV.
GURUJI
Aur agar tumne cigarrete pi to ... Peheli cigarette jo tum jalaoge ...
Visual on screen...An old woman in a glass chamber ...
GURUJI
Tumhare bhai ko haspatal se yahan laa kar...Yeh pata hai kya hai ...
K
Kya hai...
GURUJI
Dwitiya vishwa yudh ke samay Hitler naam ka ek aadmi tha... chhoti
chhoti moonchein thi...
K
Pata hai...
GURUJI
Guru maanta hoon main unko... Unhone ijaad kiya tha yeh...Gas
Chamber...
He sees the pipe releases smoke...Woman suffocating.
GURUJI
Yeh tumhare doctor ki amma hain... Aur yeh jo dhoonva hai...Cigarette ka
dhoonva hai...Aaj tak jitni hazaar cigarette tumne pee hai... Uska sab
dhoonva mila ke paanch minat tak tumhare bhai ko ismein saans leni
padegi...Achche achchoon ke phephde phat pade hain ismein ...Aur
tumhaare bhai ka to suna ek hi bacha hai...

GURUJI
Aur phir bhi mann mazboot nahin huwa aur tumhare bekaabu haath ne
doosri cigarette jalai to...
CUT TO:
Visual changes...Abbas on TV screen...
GURUJI
Pehchhana...tumhara lekhak dost
Abbas...Batao jis ungli se kalam pakadta hai...Usi se cigarrete bhi pita tha...Galat baat hai...
He puts the TV off...
GURUJI
Abhi ek ungli se type karta hai...
K looks at him...
GURUJI
Aur teesri pi to...Beta Peene se pahele apni dharam patni ko achchi tarah
se mann mein basa lena kyon ki...Woh phir aankho se ojhal ho jayegi...Aur
phir bhi mann nahin mana aur chauthi sulga-li to gas chamber se tumhara
bhai bacha to woh aur nahin bacha to tumhari amma...achchi tarah seene
se laga lena sulgane se pahele...Aur phir bhi tum laaton ke bhoot nikle to
beta...Bachchon ki zidd ke saamne to akbar bhi shahenshah nahin
rahe...Hai ki nahin...
GURUJI
Paanchvi tum peena ji bhar ke... Koi nahin rokega...Kyon ke phir uske baad
to beta aatma hai to sharir Ishwar...Aatma nahin to sharir nashwar...
K
Aap mazaak kar rahe hain...
GURUJI
Chutkulon ki umar ab rahi nahin hamari...
K
You can't do this...This is illegal ...Gairkanooni hai...
GURUJI
Shauk se thane jaa sakte ho, contract mein aisa kutch nahin hai jo tumhein bahar kutch karne
se rokta hai...Police ke paas jaa sakte ho...Hum ko jaan se maar sakte ho...Jo chhahe kar sakte
ho ...Lekin cheque bounce nahin kar sakte ho...Aur No Ismoking...

No Smoking 2
GAJJU
Yeh achchi musibat paida ho gayee hai...cigarette peena hai to bahar jao...
Aap ziyada baat nahin karte ho...Main to bilkul bhi baat nahin karta
hoon...baat woh log karte hain jo sochte nahin hain...Aap bahut sochte
ho...sochna achchi cheez hoti hai...pata hai main bhi abhi soch raha
tha...aapke aane se pahle,ki log itna bolte kyon hain ...arre mera mann
nahin hai tumse baat karne ka phir bhi log baat karne lag jaate
hain...bahut gussa aata hai mujhe, aapko nahin aata...For example...main
yahan khada hoon ...aap aaye aur mujhse baat karne lag gaye jabki main
chupchaap cigarette peena chahta hoon...jaan na pehchhaan main tera
mehmaan...to mujhe gussa aayega ki nahin...
No Smoking 3
PSYCHIATRIST
Aadmi Everest par jaata hai...to sab taali bajate hain...woh pahli baar
chhadh raha hai...Rassi toot sakti hai...barf mein dub kar mar sakta
hai...har koi jaanta hai ki woh mar sakta hai...phir bhi front page par
chhapte hain,Accident se roz kitne log marte hain phir bhi gaadi chalate
hain...gaadi chalana ban karo...saala petrol ban karo ...sirf cigarette hi
kyon ban karte hain...kyonki bechari chhoti si hai, bol nahin sakti isliye...