17 Focusing on the Young Person’s Relationships with Peers Positive relationships within a young person’s family can provide them with security and support. This can enable them to seek a level of individuation, and to work on establishing their personal identity, while experimenting with and learning from rela~ tionships in the wider environment. During adolescence young people are certain to encounter new relationship experiences with their peers. Negative experiences can be very damaging for their self-esteem. However, a supportive family can help a young person discover their strengths and promote resilience so that they can learn how to deal with relationship difficulties and disappointments. Unfortunately, some young peo- ple do not have families that can provide the necessary support during this turbulent period of their life. Parents typically struggle with a young person’s desire to individu- ate, and where relationships are compromised within the family a young person may feel isolated unless they have a supportive peer network. Generally, peer support systems themselves are vulnerable to change and, conse- quently, may be unreliable with regard to providing support as each member of a peer group seeks to eventually find an individual personal identity. This is particularly true for younger adolescents (Geldard, 2006). A young person's process of socialization is based on the balance between individuation with the formation of personal identity, on the one hand, and integration with society on the other (Adams and Marshall, 1996), Unless this balance is achieved, there are likely to be personal crises for the young per- son as they get older. For example, older adolescents focus on identity formation which relies on integrating personal constructs with self-identity and their views about who they would like to become in the future (Geldard, 2006). [fa young person seeks a very high degree of individuation, the consequence may be that relationships with peers are compromised. This may result in the young person becoming marginalized. In this sit~ uation, young people sometimes seek the company of other marginalized peers. Even so, there are likely to be consequences as the young person's sense of being valued by others may be reduced (Schlosberg, 1989).RELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING FOR YOUNG PEOPLE 19 (Ghaarginaization inevitably leads to ConsequenctyY® If, as counsellors, we are to help young people successfully manage their peer rela- tionships, we need to have an understanding of the challenges which these relationships inevitably present. These challenges include: © building and maintaining relationships the influence of peer pressure © dealing with sexuality issues. Building and Maintaining Relationships ‘Asa young person matures it is inevitable that they will from time to time be confronted by the need to build new relationships and changing relationships. Within the family, relationships with parents, siblings and other relatives will undergo change. The young person is no longer a child and will strive to be treated differently. During this process it is likely that relationships will at times be conflictual, particularly with their parents. As the young person's relationships within the family changes there will be a natural tendency for them to want to join with peers. For some young people this process is relatively easy as they have personality traits which make them attractive to other young people, and they are able to develop the necessary social skills. For example, Pizzamiglio (2003) suggests that popularity acts as a buffer between the young person being socially ‘competent and anxiety. However, for many young people this process is a difficult one, in which they may feel rejection as a result of changing relationships. Because of the individuation process young people are continually experimenting with their relation ships and many tend to be fickle and changeable with regard to their friendships Consequently, many young people will face rejection from time to time and this can negatively affect their self-esteem. If they are to succeed socially, they need to join with their peers and, as a consequence, are susceptible to the influence of peer pressure. ‘The Influence of Peer Pressure ‘Young people in peer groups are generally subjected to strong social pressures to o1 form to group behaviours. This is particularly true of younger adolescents who navigate the individuation process by first establishing their social identity in the peer group. ‘Younger adolescents are more likely to respond to events and interactions for reasons of200 RELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING social desirability among their peers (Geldard, 2006). Unfortunately, where these behav- iours are self-destructive or anti-social they are likely to be negative consequences for the young person. However, we do need to acknowledge that it is inevitable that young people will exert pressure on each other. This is often most noticeable in the way in Which they present themselves with regard to their appearance. Often this can be dis- concerting for parents, who become anxious when their adolescent offspring make changes to their personal appearance in ways which are not easily acceptable to them, For example, they may have tattoos and piercings. However, what is seen by an adult as, mutilative or destructive may, from a young person's point of view, be decorative (Martin, 1997). The way young people present themselves is subject to fashion and group membership. It is important to recognize that such changes in personal appear ance, although due to the influence of peer pressure and the need for acceptance by peers, are also consistent with the young person's search for individuation and social identity. For many adults, it seems paradoxical that this behaviour is directed towards the achievement of both individuation and peer group afiiiation, GCRoune people can strive for individuality by joining a peer rout) Risk-taking behaviour Adolescence is a time of experimentation and trying out new behaviours in response to new situations. This is risky. Unfortunately, young people are inherently susceptible to engaging in excessive and unchecked risk-taking because they often have the egocentric belief that they almost indestructible (Elkind, 1967). This tendency to take risks is often exacerbated by the influence of peers, who may encourage such behaviour by demon- strating their own ability to take risks, or through a desire to obtain vicarious pleasure from observing another young person's risk-taking behaviour. Additionally, young people in groups tend to compete for status and attention. Consequently, there is likely to be strong pressure to participate in life-threatening and risk-taking behaviours. Dealing with Sexuality Issues Young people are at a stage in life where there are likely to be romantic attachments involving sexual attraction, most generally in opposite-sex relationships and sometimes with same-sex relationships. These relationships may well be temporary, unstable and vulnerable to change. As most adolescents experience powerful feelings of romantic love they may suffer in self-esteem when rejected by the person they love. Alternatively, they may feel confused if their feelings change and they become attracted to someone else. However, the often transitional nature of adolescent relationships is consistent with theRELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING FOR YOUNG PEOPLE 201 adolescent development stage of exploration and experimentation, and consequently presents a challenges for most young people. In addition, there are those young people who, because of personality or poorly developed social skills, are unable to experience a relationship with someone they find attractive. This can have a negative effect on their self-esteem and may lead to depression (Carr, 2009). Sexual issues ‘There are wide differences between cultures with regard to what are considered to be acceptable sexual behaviours of young people (Dusek, 1996). At one extreme, there are cultures where young people are expected to refrain from engaging in sexual activity until marriage and adulthood. At the other end of the continuum, there are societies where sexual behaviour develops more gradually and may be allowed or even encour- aged in young people with few restrictions. In contemporary Western society, there are clearly wide individual differences in attitudes and behaviours, both culturally and because of belief systems. Young people may therefore be faced with difficult choices. Decisions need to be made on the basis of information from a variety of sources, which offer differing opinions about what is appropriate. Consequently, when helping. young people address such issues, as counsellors we need to be aware of the way in which young people are continually reviewing their constructs. We need to recognize that young peo pple may change their point of view frequently. What is important is that we facilitate their exploration of the issues in a way which allows them freedom to make decisions that will have the best outcomes for them and enable them to express themselves openly. This, involves helping them to explore the consequences of their behaviour in response to their thoughts and beliefs with regard to their relationships with other young people. Couns people are continually revising their constructs) It has been suggested that young people who have sexually active friends, or believe their friends are sexually active, are more likely to be sexually active themselves. These factors are stronger for older rather than younger adolescents and also for females rather than males (Philliber et al, 2002). Clearly, sexual issues, beliefs, attitudes, and behaviours have an important impact on peer relationships. Individual Counselling During individual counselling of a young person who has relationship problems with their peers, a counsellor can use a range of strategies, including symbolic, creative, cog nitive behavioural and psycho-educational strategies. These strategies can be used in202 RELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING similar ways to those described in Chapter 16 for working with a young person indi~ vidually with regard to family relationships. However, when addressing relationship problems with peers, the differences between family relationships and peer relationships ‘must be recognized. In most families there is an assumption by the young person and other family members that, regardless of what transpires within the family, the young person will remain a member of the family. This is clearly not the case in peer rela tionships. Relationships among young people are commonly temporary, fickle, and lacking in long-term commitment because in adolescence young people are navigating through a process of identity formation which necessitates frequent changes with regard to social relationships. One of the most useful strategies for helping a young person with peer relationships is the use of role-playing, together with ideas from cognitive behavioural therapy. These strategies are described in Chapter 16, Additionally, it can sometimes be helpful to use the ‘circle concept” (Champagne and Walker-Hirsch, 1982) to help young people ree ognize how they can adjust their relationships with others with regard to closeness and distance. The circle concept is a useful strategy as it invites the young person to con- sider using behaviours which will hopefully enable them to meet their own personal needs while remaining a member of their peer group. Pfrotepiaying and cognitive behavioural therapy can help young people achieve more eatistactory retationshigyay The circle concept ‘Managing and maintaining friendships, and also allowing friendships to change, requires considerable skill, and much of this skill is learnt during adolescence. Often, young people have problems in discriminating between what they perceive as and what may actually be rejection by others, Rejection by others, or the perception of rejection, is a consequence of others setting boundaries that are important for those people. If an adolescent is able to understand the nature of boundaries, then they will be better able to set their own boundaries and accept rejection when it occurs, as it inevitably will. To help adolescents to understand the concept of boundaries, a modified version of the circle concept suggested by Champagne and Walker-Hirsch (1982) can be used. We will call this the circle model. Figure 17.1 shows the circle model, which can be drawn on a large sheet of paper using felt pens, or on a white board. The circles, in onder of size, represent the following: The central circle. This circle is described as the young person's own personal space, which does not have to be shared with anyone else unless they decide to invite someoneRELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING FOR YOUNG PEOPLE 203 to do so. The young person can be invited to write their name in this circle. If another person is allowed into this circle, intimate behaviour will occur. This might involve the sharing of very private and personal information and/or touching. Sexual behaviour, which might include sexual intercourse, may also occur if that is what is mutually desired, The touching circle. This circle is one in which the adolescent might engage in some non-sexual physical contact, such as hugging, Special friends may be invited into this circle The good friends circle. This circle is for people with whom there are, warm, posi- tive and mutual feelings. Personal and intimate information might be shared with them. However, for many young people, there will be litle or no touching or hugging. The OK people circle. This circle includes people who are in the young person's social system. Relationships with these people are comfortable, but they are not close friends. The young person may not particularly either like or dislike them. These people are part of the group to which they belong. For a person to move from this “OK people circle’ to the ‘good friends circle’ they would need to spend more time with the young person, share more about themselves and participate more fally in ‘common interests. The other people circle. This circle includes all of those people whom the young person might meet but who don’t belong within the smaller circles. Thus, the people in this circle are familiar faces, such as shop keepers and bus drivers, and other people who are recognized but with whom there are not generally conversations. Outside the outer circle is the space occupied by strangers. ‘When using the circle model, the young person is invited to describe the kinds of people who might be invited into each circle, and to write their descriptions or names within the correct circle. In addition, using a different coloured marker pen, behaviours which are appropriate for each circle are discussed and written in the relevant circle. ‘Thus, the circle model is used to teach behaviours that are connected with the devel- ‘opment of appropriate boundaries and relationships with others. In particular, the young person may learn the following: 1. It is appropriate for young people to have boundaries, which they set themselves, which set limits to the closeness of relationships with other people. On the circle model, no cone has the right to move into a circle closer to the centre without mutual agreement. Other people have their own boundaries, which can similarly be represented by sets of circles, and have the right to decide who may enter a particular circle. Consequently, young people will not be able to control where someone else will place them. Just as they control how close they will allow others to be, so other people will similarly set limits204 RELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING ‘Strangers Touching circle PERSONAL ‘SPACE FIGURE 17.1 The circle model Relationships are not fixed: they are dynamic. If the young person wishes, they can, on their circle model, allow other people to move fiom one circle to another. They have the right to be in control of whether oF not they allow a person to move from a larger cir- le to a smaller one. When inviting someone to move into a smaller circle, they need to respect the other person's wishes. Also, it may be that the other person will not wish to move in closer. 4. While young people have control over allowing others to move from one circle to another in their own model, they will not have control over whether they themselves are allowed to move from one citcle to a smaller one in somebody else's set of circles 5. There are different kinds of behaviours that are appropriate for relationships within each. of the circles. Ifthe young person wishes someone to move from a larger circle to a smaller circle, then they will need to display behaviours that are inviting and create a climate which encourages the other person to want to move. Equally, if the adolescent «wishes to move fiom an outer circle to an inner circle, or from an inner circle to an outer circle in somebody else's model, they will need to develop behaviours that are appro- priate for achieving this, subject to the other person's cooperation 6. Behaviours must be developed which will give other people clear messages about where they belong, so that consistent relationships will be developed without unnecessaryRELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING FOR YOUNG PEOPLE 205 misunderstanding occurring, These behaviours will involve social skills such as friend- ship-formation skill, assertive skill negotiation skills and conflict-resolution skills The ability to have some level of flexibility is also useful, provided that boundaries are not inappropriately transgressed 7. Boundaries need to be respected and violations addressed. The young person needs to respect other people’s rights to set their boundaries. Additionally, the adolescent needs to Jearn assertive behaviours to let other people know when their own boundaries are being infringed. For example, if someone who is not in the touching circle touches them, they need to be able to say clearly that this is not okay. In this regard, the coun- sellor may need to role-play situations so that the young person can learn appropriate responses Group Counselling It can sometimes be usefil to help young people who have relationship problems with their peers by including them in a group with other young people who have similar prob- lems. Group work with young people has a number of advantages over individual work. It enables them to learn from one another and to establish friendships and connections within the group (Sharry, 2004). A counsellor facilitating such a group can help the par- ticipants to learn experientially from the group process as they relate to each other. Counsellors running groups for young people who have relationship problems are sensible if they obtain group consensus about the rules that should apply within the ‘group, and the consequences for infringement of these rules. It is advantageous to have clear limits to behaviour in the group, incorporating rules relating to abuse of any kind, including emotional and verbal abuse. It is to be expected that, because of the adoles- cent developmental stage, some group members will test the limits of the rules as they attempt to assert their own individuality. What is desirable is to respond to such testing in ways which will promote positive learning about relationships. For example, when. unhelpful behaviours occur which might compromise relationships within the group, the counsellor can use circular questions to explore the effect of the behaviour on those involved and ako on other group members. The group can be encouraged to suggest alternative, more helpful behaviours so that group membership becomes a learning experience for the participants Group work provides an opportunity for a young person to gain information not only about relationships but also about other issues that influence relationships, such as, sexual activity, drugs, alcohol, and other risk-taking behaviours. GCGectitentiatty 6.2 major Issue when working with young people In grouf@RELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING Confidentiality is an important issue when running groups for young people because they are likely to be extremely sensitive to the possibility that information they have shared within the group might be disclosed to others outside group. Clearly, in the early stages of a group, agreement needs to be reached between group members with regard to confidentiality. If young people are to be actively engaged in a group, the group programme needs to be varied so that group members are interested in what they are doing and enjoy participating. Thus, a group might spend times in discussion, times when educational information is being shared, when they are playing a game, when they are involved in physical activity, and when they are involved in a creative activity of some sort. A creative activity might involve members of the group role-playing a scenario which cone of them has experienced where a relationship problem developed. Alternative behaviours to those used when the relationship problem developed can be role-played to check whether these might have led to different outcomes. KEY POINTS ‘+ Relationship counselling for a young person needs to include building and main- taining relationships, the influence of peer pressure, and sexuality issues. ‘+ Young people are simultaneously searching for individuation, personal identity, and acceptance by peers. ‘+ Risk-taking behaviour is often exacerbated by the influence of peers. ‘+ There are wide differences about what is considered to be acceptable sexual behaviour for young people. ‘+ Individual counselling for a young person having relationship problems with peers can include strategies from symbolic, creative, cognitive behavioural, and psycho-educational strategies. ‘+ The circle model can be useful in helping young people understand the nature of relationships. '* Group counselling of young people for relationship problems enables them to eam experiential from, and through conversation with, each other. QUESTIONS FOR GROUP DISCUSSION OR STUDENT ASSIGNMENTS 4. Identify and discuss the most difficult issues that arose for you in your rela- tionships with peers during adolescence. Explain how, as @ counsellor, you would attempt to address similar issues expressed by young people.RELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING FOR YOUNG PEOPLE 2. Discuss the challenges young people confront with regard to relationships with peers and sexuality. Include in your discussion the influence of cultural and spiritual issues. Explain how you would help a young person to explore their constructs regarding relationships and sexuality while being congruent and also careful not to impose your own views. Addressing a Young Person’s Relationships with Teachers, Employers and Other Adults ‘A major challenge for young people as they move through adolescence is their need to find their place in society and to gain a sense of how best to relate to adults, including those in positions of authority. This is a process of socialization involving integration with adult society. The socialization process and the search for personal identity in ado- lescence are strongly interrelated and interdependent (Geldard, 2006). Socialization enhances the sense of personal identity, and the development of personal identity helps the young person to deal with society’s expectations. ‘Adult society, and in particular teachers and employers, have expectations regarding, young people. These expectations are based on the assumption that a young person is now becoming capable of behaving more responsibly, and this assumption is certainly not one that can be relied upon. As explained in Chapters is 15, 16, and 17, during ado- lescence the young person is experimenting with and learning new behaviours, so it is unrealistic to expect that they will behave responsibly at all times. For a young person, this expectation will clearly be pressuring at times, However, society's expectations are of value in helping young people to progress along the path to adulthood. Interestingly,208 RELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING it has been shown that in communities where adults express consistent values and expectations, young people tend to develop a positive sense of self (Lanni, 1989) Quning adotescence a young person ‘operant wit on locne now hehe yD It is self-evident that a young person can only construct a personal identity in the context of relationships with others. Having comfortable relationships with others unquestionably involves respecting and responding appropriately to their expectations. Adults in general have expectations about how adolescents should behave and these will often conflict with a young person's expectations. A young person's need to achieve individuation provides a conflictual challenge as they explore new ways of fitting into society. As a consequence, there is likely to be marked ambivalence in many young people with regard to expressing their attitudinal and behavioural changes while main- taining social relationships (Archer, 1997). Expectations of Teachers and Employers Generally, as a result of training and experience, teachers tend to be fairly realistic regarding their expectations of adolescent students. However, because teachers have the task of educating young people, they will inevitably have an expectation that at some level their students will be motivated to learn and to be conscientious in carrying out the tasks assigned to them. In addition, by recognizing that they inevitably fulfil a role as models for their students, they will try to promote responsible behaviour through demonstrating such behaviour and encouraging it. It is certain that at times most teachers’ expectations will not be fulfilled because of the characteristics of the developmental stage of adolescence, and this may lead to relationship problems between them and the young people they teach. ‘Many young people leave schoo! to go into full-time employment, while others continue to attend school, and go on to college or university, Many of those who continue to study will engage in part-time employment. In employment environments, adult behav- iours are generally expected. Consequently, adjusting to life in the workplace is likely to impact on a young person's developmental processes In the workplace, young people learn to take responsibility for the completion of tasks assigned by supervisors and often experience some level of autonomy. They also have to deal with conformity issues regarding workplace expectations and are subjected toa variety of relationship issues (Safyer et a., 1995). In the workplace, they are gener- ally in relationships with peers who work alongside them, with adults, and with those in authority, and they are in an environment which has structure and expectations,RELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING FOR YOUNG PEOPLE 20 ‘Clearly, such a situation presents a range of relationship issues which will challenge the young person. Gaost young people have dificulty reconciling the need for sutomomy with conformigya ‘As young people grow older, they start to look and behave in more adult ways and are able to communicate with some level of maturity and more effectively than they did as children. As a consequence, many adults expect that their behaviour will reflect the norms of adult behaviour. However, the expectation that young people will be responsible and work conscientiously, and proactively set out to meet the developmen- tal tasks challenging them, is not necessarily realistic. The young person is in a process of growth and is dealing with new and previously unmet challenges, so is unlikely to stay focused on particular tasks and is sure to make mistakes. It is therefore inevitable that at times employers and other adults in supervisory positions will become frustrated by the behaviours, attitudes and performance of their young employees, resulting in conflict. Counselling a young person to enable them to satisfactorily respond to rela tionship challenges from adults in authority positions can therefore be useful. It can help them to develop a positive personal identity and to use behaviours that will support them in the future. Counselling Strategies Individual counselling for a young person can be helpful in enabling them to address relationship issues with teachers, employers, and other adults. Counselling skills and strategies described in previous chapters in this part of this book can be helpful. In addi- tion, there are some particular approaches that are especially useful in helping young people to address issues arising in such relationships. These include: * transactional analysis + cognitive behaviour therapy + psychodrama, Transactional Analysis ‘Transactional analysis was originated by Berne (1964) and developed by Harris (1973). Ideas from transactional analysis are particularly useful for helping young people improve their relationships as it enables them to understand the principles of effective210 RELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING The crtcal parent powertl, dominating, gi, controling, coercive and restrictive Mca The nurturing parent: caring, permissive, protective and witha high level of Parent responsibilty for self and others. The adult able to choose responses, self-directed, reality-based and logical. feet Respectful of others, seoks information before making decisions, ua independent ard se-sufcent. Flexible and able to change in response to new information. “| The chit dependent, chiaike, helpless, submissive or rebelious. Responds Inner without thought to emotional feelings. Easiy takes the victim role, om ‘experiences high levels of emotion and is prone to tantrum. FIGURE 18.1 The transactional analysis model of personality and respectful communication. Transactional analysis concepts appeal to many young people because they provide easy-to-follow explanations of relationship behaviours. Transactional analysis communication processes can be represented by pictorial drawings on a whiteboard or poster paper. These drawings provide an anchor for the ideas which are being presented and allow the young person to participate by modify- ing the drawings to suit their own situation, In the transactional analysis model proposed by Berne (1964), there are three inner components identified within each individual. These are: 1. Inner parent: The inner parent can be either a critical parent or a nurturing parent. The critical parent is powerful, dominating, rigid and controlling, whereas the nurturing par cent is warm, protective and caring, The parental role has a high level of responsibility, including responsibility not only for self, but also for others. Inner adult: The inner adult is: — reality-based and logical ~ is respectful of others rather than secking to control others, ~ seeks information before making decisions, rather than being governed by emotional responses — is not submissive but independent and self-sufficient ~ is flexible and able to change in response to new information, 3. Inner child: The inner child is childlike and helpless. It may be submissive or rebellious. It is dependent, responds reactively and without thought to emotional feelings, easily takes the victim role, may experience high levels of emotion and is prone to tantrum, In using this model of personality with a young person, a diagram such as that shown in Figure 18.1 can be used. As this diagram is being drawn, it can be useful to invite theRELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING FOR YOUNG PEOPLE zat young person to suggest the characteristics they believe apply to an inner critical parent, an inner nurturing parent, an inner adult and an inner child. By doing this, they will inevitably become involved in an exploration of parts of themself. The adolescent can then be invited to explore the ways in which relationships are influenced by communications which come from differing parts of the inner self and which are directed to various parts of the inner self of the other person, as shown in Figures 18.2 and 18.3. These figures include examples of communication patterns, some of which are unhelpful and unsatisfactory because the communication lines cross each other. Many patterns such as these are described by Harris (1973). Parallel communica tions, as shown in Figures 18.2(d) and 18.3(b), (c) and (4), tend to be more satisfactory than crossed communications, although they may still cause problems. For example, the ‘communication pattern between a person who is behaving like an angry critical parent and another person responding as a dissatisfied child is certain to be uncomfortable (Figure 18.3(b)), Generally, people are more satisfied if the communication lines are both parallel and horizontal, as shown in Figures 18.2(d) and 18.3(c) and (d). Parent-to-parent and child- to-child communications can be quite enjoyable and satisfying at times. However, there may sometimes be disastrous consequences from these communications because both parties might collude to engage in undesirable behaviour. The communication pattern shown in Figure 18.3(4) has this potential. The optimum mode of communication is that between inner adult and inner adult, as shown in Figure 18.3(c) (Cait to adut communication is generally the most effecti@ya Clearly, every person has choice about which inner part of themselves they use in ‘communicating with others. This choice is certain to influence the outcome of com munication and also to impact on the relationship. By teaching young people the trans- actional analysis model, they can be assisted to understand more about the ways in which they communicate with other people and may become more aware of the likely consequences of their style of communication on relationships with adults, particularly those in positions of power. Readers who wish to learn more about transactional analy- sis may wish to read Berne, Steines and Dusay (1996). cet Albert Ells, the originator of rational emotive behaviour therapy (REBT), suggested that counsellors need to challenge what he described as client's irrational belief. Although we support Ellis’ ideas, we prefer to use the term self-destructive beliefRELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING Inner Inner Inner Inner Parent parent parent Parent Inner Inner Inner Inner adult ‘adult adult "4 ‘adult Inner Inner Inner Inner child child child child Young Teacher: Young Teacher: person: ‘it you had person: ‘ust ‘Tmhaving (a) listened you "Your (b)._—_ remember cificutty would have wating on you area understanaing understood’ the ‘student this concept" whiteboard ‘and! am is the itegioie® teacher’ Inner Inner Inner parent parent parent Inner Inner |——>| Inner adult adult ‘adult Inner Inner Inner child child child Young Teacher: Young Teacher: person: ‘Tmsony ‘Tknow ‘Heel (©) tohear @ my really sick that you having writing is dticut Iwon'tbe fl sick aiticuty to,ead. able to Do you reading Would it finish my think what is help it homework” vyou' wil wetten on readout be able to the what | finish whiteboard’ woite?” your homework later?” FIGURE 18.2 Communication between a young person and a teacher The solid arrows represent the first message and the broken arrows the response.RELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING FOR YOUNG PEOPLE 2a Inner Inner Inner Inner parent parent parent parent Inner Inner Inner Inner adult adult ‘adult adult Inner Inner Inner Inner child chile child child Young Employer: Young Employer: person: ‘Stop what person: ‘tyou ‘you @ Youre ‘snot — (bo) don't work want it doing and fir harder you done now do this job Brondan will get ‘you can owr’ gets away fred” doit with yourself doing halt what | at Inner Inner Inner Inner parent parent parent parent Inner Inner Inner Inner adult ‘adult ‘adult adult Inner Inner Inner Inner child chile hil child Employer: Young Employer: ‘know that person: “You are © this witbe Yes, they (8) much more be possible inconvenient are lazy responsible to make a for you but and don't than the ‘compromise wourd you recognize others’ here?” like to what a consider good boss i” you are! FIGURE 18.3 Commuication between a young person and an employer ‘The solid arrows represent the first message and the broken arrows the response.214 RELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING rather than the irrational belief because some beliefs that are self-destructive may not be irrational. Readers who would like to make significant use of rational emotive behaviour therapy may wish to read Dryden and Neenan (2004), REBT is particularly useful when working with young people who have relation- ship difficulties because they commonly hold beliefs which lead them to behave, or think, in ways that are unhelpful to their relationships. Table 18.1 compares alist of self destructive beliefs, which are likely to impact negatively on a young person's relation- ships, with more helpful beliefs. Self-destructive beliefs which are likely to affect a young person’ relationships generally fit into one or more of the following categories: should, must, ought-to and have-to beliefs catastrophizing belie ‘always’ and ‘never’ belief& blaming beliefs negative self-perception belief. Challenging seltdestructive beliefs ‘When challenging a young person's self-destructive beliefs it is advantageous if coun sellors recognize that adolescents are different from adults. They are in a process of mov- ing out of childhood, where they have naturally and inevitably absorbed beliefs that may now need to be changed. As a consequence, counsellors need to be carefill not to alien ate a young person when disputing their self-destructive beliefs, as some of those beliefs may have been held throughout childhood. We therefore recommend that when coun- selling young people, challenging self-destructive beliefs should involve two stages: 1. In the first stage, the young person can be complemented for the existing belie. These can be validated as having been useful in the past, particularly during childhood. 2. In the second stage, self-destructive belief can be challenged as needing to change as a consequence of the young person’: movement from childhood into adulthood, The young person no longer needs to be constrained by self-destructive beliefs, but can reject them, GQratienging is best done using an adolescent debating style of conversatiany® ‘The challenging needs to be done by debating the issues in a way which parallels the way in which young people debate with each other, and may involve a level of self- disclosure. For example, the counsellor might say, ‘Ihave some difficulty when people tell meRELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING FOR YOUNG PEOPLE as TABLE 18.4 ‘Solf Destructive Beliefs ‘Should, must, oughtto and have-to beliefs ‘Adults should live up to my expectations of them. [At school and work | must conform to my peers. | ought [Link] whatever the boss asks at all times. | must win CCatastrophizing beliefs | messed up at work so it would be too ‘embarrassing for me to go back there. Nobody will ever respect me at schoo! again. It's all too much. | just can't cope any more. | might as well stop work on this college project altogether because its 2 total feilure. ‘Always and never beliefs | never succeed in anything | do at work. Everybody always erticizes me. '’m not going to ask my teacher because she always says ‘no’. | should never make mistakes. Blaming boliots I Bob stopped annoying me I wouldn't get Into trouble with the boss. Selfdestructive beliefs compared with more helpful beliefs More Hel Adults may not lve up to my expectations, end ‘that isthe way itis. [ean be an individual and do my own thing. ‘When necessary Iwill be politely assertive ‘bout my own needs so that | feel okay. ‘According to the law of averages, most people only win 50 per cent ofthe time. | don't need to win to feel okay. Everybody makes mistakes at times, so I'm ermal and proud to be me. I'm going back! | don't need other people's respect to fee! good about myself. | am okay. |ean cope. | always have in the past, and | will "ve done really wel to take on such a hard project. t's nota total fallure. | can still get Some positives out of it. ‘Sometimes | succeed and sometimes | fal. 'm human and I'm okay. People sometimes criticize me, but that's okay because it's impossible to please everybody al the time. | am going to ask my mother because she might say ‘yes Everybody makes mistakes. The only way to ‘void making mistakes is to do nothing, and that's not me. | can choose other ways to deal with Bob's annoying behaviour so that | don't get into ‘rouble, (Continued)26 RELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING TABLE 18.1 “Tram always late back at work because | will tke responsibility for being late because ‘they are so slow in the canteen, | don't go straight to the canteen at the start of ‘my break and know that the canteen gets cronded and the staff are slow. Negative sett perception beliefs rm a vitim, rm powerful. rm a loser. V'm a winner. rm no good. 1m okay. ’m worthless. I'm worthwhile 'm helpless. 1'm resourceful rm a bad person, 1'm a good person Fm incapable. I'm capable. rm stupid rm smart. unlovabie. I'm lovable. that I should do things. I prefer to do things 1 choose to do rather than necessarily doing things other people believe I should da. By making a statement such as this, the counsellor dis- closes their own need for individuation, and their desire to take responsibility for their own decisions without being excessively influenced by other people's expectations. The counsellor’ goal is not to replace the young person's beliefs immediately with a new set of beliefs. Rather, itis to leave the young person feeling freer to think about alternative belief and with an openness and readiness to explore and change those belief which are self-destructive. In helping a young person improve their relationships with adults in their life, the counsellor can usefully explore those self-destructive beliefs which may be acting neg- atively on the young person’s relationships Psychodrama Psychodrama originated in the work of Moreno in the 1940s (Vondracek and Corneal, 1995). An approach taken from psychodrama using cushions can be very helpful in enabling a young person to express their feelings regarding relationships with an adult, to resolve these, and to discover new ways of thinking and behaving. This creative expe- riential approach is described in Chapter 16 in the example where a young person called Rob is having trouble with his sister Maureen. As when working with a sibling, in this approach, the young person is invited to choose from a pile of assorted cushionsRELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING FOR YOUNG PEOPLE 21 of various colours and styles. They are invited to choose a cushion to represent them- selves and another cushion to represent the adult with whom they are having a rela- tionship issue. The cushions are placed apart on the floor and, as described in Chapter 16, the young person is invited to alternate between standing by the cushion which rep- resents themselves and saying what they would like to say to their adult proponent, and standing by the proponent’s cushion and responding. Thus dialogue is created between themselves and the role played adult. tre aiter ego process is useful in helping to bing out the footing In the process described, the alter ego approach can be used (see Chapter 16) to help the young person to be kept fully in touch with their feelings and to express them. Once the dialoguing has reached a natural conclusion, the counsellor can invite the young person to talk about what the process was like for them, and to share anything that they may have learned from the process that might be useful. For example, it may be that as a result of a role-play the young person will recognize the difficulties confronting an employer and their problems in managing the work situation. KEY POINTS * Acchallenge for young people is to discover their place in society and how to relate to adults in positions of authority. '* Adult expectations of a young person will often conflict with the young person's expectations. Young people have to deal with new and previously unmet challenges so are certain to make mistakes at times. * Counselling strategies suitable for helping a young person deal with relation- ship problems with an adult include transactional analysis, cognitive behav- joural therapy, and psychodrama. * Transactional analysis highlights the way in which communication can come from, and be directed to, the inner parent, adult, or child. © Self-destructive beliefs often interfere with a young person's ability to have satisfactory relationships with adults. Consequently, challenging these beliefs 2 in cognitive behavioural therapy can be helpful. + Psychodramatic dialoguing using cushions can enable a young person to get in touch with and release their feelings and gain a fuller understanding of the relationship issue.